I've been researching TS related things since I was 15. I knew in the back of my head I was transgender since I was 16-17 but never could accept myself then. Now I feel like I should've stopped making excuses and just accepted myself then. I'm pissed at myself for wasting time and now just starting instead of 3 or 4 years ago. Everything would've went much smoother back then. However now i feel like I'm in a rush to get back on track in life. Does anyone else feel this too? :-\ :icon_anger:
It definitely is a terrible sense of loss.
My list of regrets are legion.
In a word, yes. However, you don't know what you don't and everyone does what they think is best at the time. You just have to move on from where you are and grow to make more "honest" desisions.
It's tough not to look back and hate yourself for making a bad choice but it's even harder to forgive yourself, be at peace and move forward.
All you can do is try hard and reach out for support when you need it. That's what I try to do at least.
I definitely do.
A BIG YES!
But, I can't change it so I live with it.
I came within an anxiety attack of coming out at 12. Now I'm 33. I regret the delay, but not the family I'd have otherwise missed.
End of the day, I'm with Leibniz. :-\
I definitely regret it, but my life would have been so different if I had done... Who knows if it would have been for the better.
I am much more assured in myself as a person now.
I don't think I was ready earlier.
We all come out when we're ready, and some of us are ready at different times. :)
Not any more. Playing the "what if" game never ends well.
I really didn't want to be trans and I fought it tooth and nail until it almost killed me. I thought I could die with my deepest, darkest secret intact, but eventually the GD consumed almost every waking moment and I had to do something about it because I almost really died with my deepest, darkest secret intact.
The good thing about holding out as long as I did was that I am now in a position to transition without hardship.
Quote from: PrincessPatience on April 28, 2014, 06:36:34 PM
I've been researching TS related things since I was 15. I knew in the back of my head I was transgender since I was 16-17 but never could accept myself then. Now I feel like I should've stopped making excuses and just accepted myself then. I'm pissed at myself for wasting time and now just starting instead of 3 or 4 years ago. Everything would've went much smoother back then. However now i feel like I'm in a rush to get back on track in life. Does anyone else feel this too? :-\ :icon_anger:
Well, I know now and I knew back then at age 10,it would have been a mistake. (Despite what my mom says now, it would NOT have went well at all.) I would have went for it if my mom had not reacted the way that she did. I still remember the day that I was sitting in my bedroom and I heard her crying in the living room and she said to herself: "I can't have kids right". Then I began to think to myself: "Well, maybe things would be better if I just removed myself from the picture." That's when the suicidal thoughts kicked in. I also know that my dad would have never went for it. Hell, he couldn't even handle it when I began to gain weight at age 14, 15 (A direct result of two years of doing nothing but staying in my room, watching TV, listening to the stereo and binging on junk food since I was sick of going out to ride my bike or go for a walk because I always had to fight the neighborhood brats since they all thought that I was a "->-bleeped-<-".) Then on top of that, I had to put up with my drunk dad saying that "It's your fault that you get picked on because you don't make any sense". Between that and his "I'm not having any fat kids" remark, it did wonders for my already low self esteem. Even when I wanted to work out with my mom in the mornings so that I wouldn't gain more weight, he shot that down since he saw that as being effeminate somehow. Yeah, he's not too bright.
So, I ended up postponing my transition until I was 29, hating myself, turning to pot and booze to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. I was hating myself for screwing everything up and not transitioning at age 19 like I wanted to. But, after a while I just let it go because you can't repeat the past so, the hell with it. I just got on with my life and try the best I can to embrace the present, look forward to the future and just think about the (very few) parts of my past that didn't completely suck.
Not a day goes by when I don't regret not speaking up in my teens but back then our scenerio was pretty much unheard of.
I am very envious and extremely proud of our younger sisters here that have made the decision to become their true selves :)
I tried ever so badly to be a "normal" person (or at lease my mom's definition of normal) and be a masculine alpha male "bro" dude and all that other bull->-bleeped-<-. When I realized it was making me miserable and time was running out was when I acted. I always think of how many good years I could have had if I had transitioned earlier.
Yes, always yes. I wish I would have done it when I was 16 the oldest or maybe earlier, things would be so much easier now
Yes and no.
I started my transition when I was 45, but had been thinking about and wishing for it since I was 12.
Part of me regrets waiting so long, saddened that I missed out on being the real me for far too long. The other part of me knows I couldn't have transitioned any earlier than I did. The world is a far more tolerant place for transfolks than it was thirty years ago. It would have been extremely difficult if not impossible to find the help I am receiving now back then.
Yes, but I'm afraid I have to plead ignorance on this one. I always knew I was a little different. From the time I first started school to time I was I teenager, I never fit in very well and always ended up getting bullied or picked on for reasons that I didn't understand. But I never saw myself as being transgender, and even when I got older and the dysphoria really started to kick in, I just didn't know enough about being transgender to figure things out. I never knew anyone who was transgender (or even gay) while I was growing up, so all my assumptions about what being transgender meant came from popular culture and other less than reputable sources. I wanted to be a girl, not a man wearing a dress, so the image of being transgender that I had in my mind never fit with my reality. I also didn't understand that it was even possible to be transgender without being attracted to men. So I never looked into being transgender that deeply, and it wasn't until I was in my mid-twenties that I actually learned about hormone replacement therapy and things like that. If I had ever gotten a chance to learn more about what being transgender meant when I was younger, I would have been demanding anti-androgens the very next day. But sadly that never happened, and I ended up spending ten years depressed and miserable as testosterone rotted away at my mind and body. I've said this before, but I'll say it again, they should be required to teach kids about gender identity disorder in sexual education class. I know that it would probably be very controversial at first, and many parents wouldn't tolerate it. But if even one person could be saved from going through what I went through just because they didn't have the right information, I think it would be more than worth it.
When I was 13 I ran away from home, travelled 300 miles to my grandparents summer house and lived as a girl for a week until I got discovered, arrested and spent a night in jail before being sent home escorted by police officers. Now I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't lived on an island, if I had lived on the continent I might have just kept going. But it was a different world and I had no money or skills to fall back on and life could easily have turned out ugly.
I do have some regrets but now I'm surrounded by people I love and are supportive, I have a good careerer in which I can transition without difficulty and the financial means to pay for the whole thing. I also wonder if I could ever have transitioned in the small community I grew up in, where everyone on the island would have known and recognized me, would have been very difficult back then while I now live in Toronto which is very liberal and laid back about these things.
In an ideal world I would have transitioned back then but the world is far from ideal so I don't think it's fair for me to expect an ideal life from myself.
Having tried or experimented twice in my 20's with transitioning and now very well into my 50's I can say I do not regret not transitioning back then. It would have been a disaster, I would be dead right now. No way was I equipped enough to succeed.
After drug addiction, rehab, psych wards, suicide attempts, Self mutilation, bullemic tendencies, and high school failing.. Yeah kinda wish i was like, "hey mom and dad im kinda a girl."
That feeling of regret comes and goes with me. But then I think about my son and how much I love him. And then I think about how my dad would have reacted and what state my family would have been in as a teenager with this. It wouldn't be good, my parents probably would have divorced. I would probably be caught in the middle and allowed to live as a girl with my mom but forced to live as a boy with my dad. Time split between them and under even heavier economic and emotional abuse than what I was as just a boy who didn't like to hunt or do yard work.
Yeah the only regret that I have is how I came out to my wife. I still feel rotten about it but it needed to be done. She couldn't live a lie any more than I can. And really it was over between us long before now.
I just hope that I have enough girl left in me to pull this off.
Quote from: PrincessPatience on April 28, 2014, 06:36:34 PM
I've been researching TS related things since I was 15. I knew in the back of my head I was transgender since I was 16-17 but never could accept myself then. Now I feel like I should've stopped making excuses and just accepted myself then. I'm pissed at myself for wasting time and now just starting instead of 3 or 4 years ago. Everything would've went much smoother back then. However now i feel like I'm in a rush to get back on track in life. Does anyone else feel this too? :-\ :icon_anger:
Sometimes I get pissed at myself waiting until I was in my early 30's but then I remember all those years helped me build a personality unlike any other.
Sure, it might have cost me "passability" points (I pass well enough even pre-hormones) but at the end of the day I like who and what I am, and if I could go back, I wouldn't change a thing.
I am who I am, finally I love who I am, and I wouldn't change a thing other than the vessel who carries me. If I had transitioned earlier, I may very well have been an entirely different person on the inside. I don't like that.
-AM
Hiya
I guess it really has a lot to do with the quality of the life you've lived up to the moment of taking the Big Decision. Yeah, at 25 I was totally freaked when I came to the clear understanding of who I was, and put it in box for another 20 years. But those years weren't bad...not 100% good (whose are??), but they gave me great and rich life experiences, and turned me into a reasonable approximation of a human being. Gender is important, but personality is fundamental :D
I tried to sum it up in my subtitle... Make the best of what you've got and remember that YOU WILL GET THERE! (She says, impatient as hell to get there sooner!)
xxx
J
I don't get as mad as I used to,I grew up in 60s / 70s Britain and it wouldn't have gone well had I come out at 13.I went through the school failure,self harm,eating disorder,booze, dope,fights trying to prove I was a badass and had I transitioned at 21 instead of 33 it wouldn't have gone well as I wasn't ready and discrimination was rife.
Yes and no. I wish I had transitioned when I was a kid, but, at the time, I didn't even know you could even do it. Remember, I'm old enough that I didn't have the internet. But I have no doubts that if I had come out to my parents and they saw just how miserable I was as a boy, they would have tried to do something to help. On the other hand, I would not have had the amazing little boy that I have today. He reminds me so much of myself, only without the dysphoria. So in a way, I am getting to see how I might have turned out if I wasn't trans.
Every effing day! Also, I get doubly frustrated with myself because as I got older I started telling myself it was too late to bother..... aged 19-21...
Oh well, it's never too late to try and be happy so I'ma gonna go for it now :)
I regret not transitioning earlier so much, that I am not only mad, but fall into despair... If I was not that scared little p*ussy and I started, when I was 18, I would never have these hairloss problems, weight gain, stretch marks everywhere, health issues, alcohol, smoking and drugs abuse and so on...
But, yeah, I was so afraid, that my so-called "father" will beat me and throw me out in the streets, so I waited another 15 years to start my transition... Sometimes I even want to kill myself for being such an coward idiot...
Re: Do ever get mad at yourself for not transitioning/accepting yourself earlier?
No. I'm furious with myself for everything else though.
Nope. Considering I came so unbelievably close to transitioning and could have, had that all worked out splendidly, been living as a woman for the last 23 years (almost half my life) I'm not at all angry at myself. I can't change it, past me did what past me did, end of story. I'm happy enough with my current life - transition, job, everything - and sincerely believe I would have imploded long ago had I elected to keep going all those years ago. I'm too focused on and excited by what lies ahead to be berating myself over past actions.
No. I learned that looking backwards is a sure fire recipe for a collision. I own my decisions and my life. I have consciously sought to learn and to grow. I am where I should be and I will be where I wish to be. My challenge is to be more mindful and to live more fully in the moment and therefore not looking back with regret or forward with concern.
Aisla
I would have to say no because the past is best left in the past. I would much rather concentrate on my future than worry about what I could have did differently in my past.
No. It's hard to blame someone, myself included, for not pursuing a solution to a problem when they're under the impression there is no solution.
I'm just glad now to know better and have access to treatment.
I had all resources and money possible when I was 14 and looked naturally EFFORTLESSLY female but unfortunately internet did not exist at that time and ->-bleeped-<- was a taboo and officially ILLEGAL in my country that time.
Unfortunately as I had no means no matter what to inform about which hormones to take/buy I ruined myself the consecutive year in puberty.
I started crying for losing my female face and those ugly acnes on my face started growing duh...I got ruined.
Now I need like 18,000$ to recuperate my lost female face during adolescence.
I so regret not having known about hormones before.
I have many regrets in my life, yet I can't say things would have been different. I wanted to transition at 19 rather than start at 24; however, I was a very emotionally fragile person that maybe needed more life experience. It's a big decision and to see this through requires a lot of inner strength. I don't have that now, but then my life has showed me that this is my fate no matter what. Could things have been different? Maybe, but I don't know and never will. Maybe I needed to live a bit more and crash and burn. Maybe I need to crash and burn now. I don't know. Again, I have a lot of regrets, but there is no certainty things would have been different or I would do things a different way if I was handed the opportunity. I'm upset with myself for a lot of what I've done and don't like myself all that much; however, is it possible for me to have been different or is this the person I'm destined to be? Who knows. I don't. All I can do is take life day by day and hope I will find what I'm looking for and sucessfully get through this. No anger, just reluctance and confusion as to where I'm heading. In any case, it's too short of a life for me to worry about the past too much. It's done and I'm already the person that it shaped. That can't be undone and time will tell what's left.
No regrets here and I'm 64 years old. Somehow my early dysphoria decreased by age 16 and I spent the next 40 years acting the part of a fairly normal male.
I got an education, my dream job, two marriages - the second of which has lasted 32 years. I have a beautiful, talented, highly educated 27 year old daughter. She is everything I would have liked to have been myself.
I have to congratulate the "fake man" that worked hard and took care of me for so many years. It wasn't easy to keep suppressing the internal woman, but I somehow managed to keep her down.
I'm retired now with a more than adequate income for the rest of my life.
Around eight years ago the dysphoria began to creep back into my life. Now I have the freedom to let the woman out of the cage.
Yes, no regrets. I was granted a reprieve of several decades. I'm thankful for that.
There are very few people who would willingly choose to be transsexual. For nearly all, there is no choice. I was blessed with the ability to hold off the transformation that has proved to be inevitable.
Randi
Not really.
I was aware of my GID when I was about 6-7 years old. I understood that something could be done when I was 14, this was pre internet.
Didn't do anything at the time, conservative family, and the stereotype for mtfs in the 80s was showgirls and prostitution, not a shining future for someone already feeling like the family pariah.
My original thoughts were transition by age 28 or never, had therapy, life went on, marriage, kids, and now I feel I'm in too deep to do anything more other than low dose HRT. Other than the GID, my life has been pretty good.
If I had transitioned at age 28, I would be without my children, who are the light of my life. They have more than made up for the partly resolved GID.
When I see pictures of me as a teen where I am androgynous and could easily pass then look in the mirror and see wrinkles and stubble I regret it greatly. At lot has changed in with me and the world in the past 25 years.
not mad , but i wish i would have known earlier so i could start taking hormone pills since i was 14-15 :)
Coulda shoulda woulda. Uh yeah, all the time. I wanted to when I was 23. Put it off because I wanted to be closer to my brother. What a mistake. Now I am female and my brother still loves me as his sister instead. I'm such an idiot :(
But, nothing I can do. I count my blessings every day...
I did initially, because I knew at 14 but ended up waiting until I was 33.
But now days I don't think about it.
I had a lot of regret when I first came out.
The awesome part is I kinda didn't really grow up very male.
Definitely regret it. I had the opportunity to tell my mother at age 15, but was scared to death and kept it under wraps. Now here I am at 24, 700 miles away from my family and friends. I have a good paying job and am in a 5 year relationship. Needless to say, the stakes are a lot higher now, as is the dysphoria. I'm just hoping I can garner the courage to do what needs to be done soon.
It seems all to common, that the main reason we ended up waiting was fear. It's sad that in our "progressive society", being a transsexual, or being transgendered is still such a taboo. Thankfully more people are willing to learn and accept us, but sadly we have a long way to go still. It is my hope that one day schools will teach students that we are just people like everyone else, just trying to make it through life, who where born just a little different. I love how people say, "Well if we teach this stuff to children, they will question their gender/sex.". Based off of what? Your closed mindedness? I think a lot of people would have had happier, and fuller lives had they been taught "it's okay to be yourself.", and have all the tools necessary to succeed.
To everyone, in whatever stage your at, be strong and be yourself. Remember you will always have a family who will love you no matter what your going though.
I know the journey is a long, and painful one, as I'm just starting mine, but I know in the end the pain is worth it to be happy and and to be myself.
I feel sadness for the girl who never was, and for the people who I hurt trying to be what I am not, but my life has been pretty well lived (outside of alcoholism, and drug addiction lol) I am not the woman I would have been, but I am at peace with the woman I am. I have done things that I am proud of, been places that were magical to me, loved extraordinary people, and found loving friends. It is what it is, and I have forgiven myself for years of cowardice and avoidance. It is up to me to make the next chapters of my life the best they can be.
Julie
I knew I was a girl at age 5. My biological Mom who was all I had at the time, didn't force me to "be a boy," She just wanted a happy kid and let me be me. She was truly unique. Had I not lost her in a car accident a year and a half later, I've no doubt things with me would have been different and She'd had done everything within her means to help me transition before puberty hit me with the ugly T stick.
Regrets? Oh yes I have them in spades. Being adopted off the reservation at 7 and a half for one into a family that made transitioning impossible. I don't want to repeat my other posts, but after being suicidal more times than I care to remember though only actually attempting it twice, I'm sure my story is a lot like many others here. I look at myself as a survivor after living in misery and torment for many years, surviving quite miraculously my two suicide attempts, a horrible aircraft accident that really tore up and burned the left side of my body, and surviving my adopted family's abuse to get to where I am now.
Since I began living full time before hrt at 44 when I bought this home I live in now you could say I've been in transition for 5 years now. It just took me a ridiculously long time to find Doctors who would help me to get started on my hrt. I actually started hrt DIY 2 months before finding my current Endo the morning of December 27th, 2013. At this point, it was either finally after years and years waisted start my hrt or die (3rd time might be a charm), that I chose life, to live as who I am, and bring my physical body in line with my heart, mind and soul as the woman I know I've always been.
So yes, I have many regrets for not transitioning sooner. Regret so massive it was consuming me until I found you lovely ladies here on this website. Those of you who read my early posts and replied to some of them showed me I wasn't too old at 49 for full transition, and how to put those regrets behind me as I've done with the not so good memories of my childhood and past. I've come a long way in the last 5 months or so I've been a member here. And most of my regrets, I've laid in the past where they belong. I'm living again, I'm happy, and I can look forward to my future.
Regret/s can consume you. I remember a cryptic quote that sticks in my mind: "Those Who Live In The Past, Are Condemned To Repeat It." While I may not have the words exactly correct it's message is clear to me anyway. Live for your future, and leave the past where it belongs -in the past.
Ally :icon_flower:
i'm highly upset i spoke up but didnt act when i turned 14. i guess 21 is still young but since i'm highly impatient and all hell breaks lose around me now, it makes my transition plans even harder to focus on :(
Yeah I completely agree. There are days where I wish I would of did something when I was 13 and keeping my thoughts to myself. But on the other hand I am glad I started now instead of even later. :)
Quote from: Kyra553 on April 30, 2014, 05:46:43 PM
Yeah I completely agree. There are days where I wish I would of did something when I was 13 and keeping my thoughts to myself. But on the other hand I am glad I started now instead of even later. :)
it was now or never for me. good thing though is i kept my baby face, i have the ability to change my voice octave at will, my shoulders arent broad, still have thin, toned legs, and i still have small hips xD once i get my extensions in, i can pass but still, i'm upset i waited this long