It is for me. I fought tooth and nail not to be trans for about 50 years. Thats because I was taught, brutally, that it was very bad to be sensitive, non stereotypical male, and heavens forbid anything transgender.
Now I have to accept that I am a TS with the andro/fluid social factor, which I actually think is terrific to have, and I have to embrace that which I was taught to hate about myself.
I'm trying very hard. The consequences of not accepting are very bad. It made me actually melt down mentally 4 days ago, and all of you picked me up and got me through the crisis. Again.
Love to all. Anyone else fighting or have tips on how to make acceptance easier? Accepting the whole deal... what it does to us, others, our missions and life dreams... my goodness its a big one to swallow.
Wait that part could actually be interesting...
LOL. Fun thought though, its another sacrifice for the wife I have to choose to accept.
Oh how life would be different if we grew up now and if trans was esteemed beautiful by the cis people.
Quote from: Satinjoy on May 01, 2014, 06:13:44 AM
It is for me. I fought tooth and nail not to be trans for about 50 years. Thats because I was taught, brutally, that it was very bad to be sensitive, non stereotypical male, and heavens forbid anything transgender.
Now I have to accept that I am a TS with the andro/fluid social factor, which I actually think is terrific to have, and I have to embrace that which I was taught to hate about myself.
I'm trying very hard. The consequences of not accepting are very bad. It made me actually melt down mentally 4 days ago, and all of you picked me up and got me through the crisis. Again.
Love to all. Anyone else fighting or have tips on how to make acceptance easier? Accepting the whole deal... what it does to us, others, our missions and life dreams... my goodness its a big one to swallow.
Wait that part could actually be interesting...
LOL. Fun thought though, its another sacrifice for the wife I have to choose to accept.
Oh how life would be different if we grew up now and if trans was esteemed beautiful by the cis people.
You cannot accept two people. I'm sorry. I really am.
Hmmm. I choose to be faithful in marriage, which basically means I take care of the physical needs alone using what I need to there for outside equipment so to speak, and get the emotional needs and the intimacy from her.
She has come light years since I came out to her, and we are still very close. The love is very deep, she calls me Pagal, the Indian name that means crazy in love. Was joking lovingly about my clear nail polish when I was putting it on yesterday before work.
I hope someday she can accept the fully transitioned me with neither of us sacrificing anything. I think she has her own acceptance process to go through too.
Nice to hear from you again Cindy...:)
I have also come light years. This has been the first year, post HRT, that I can say I love you into the mirror, and I truly mean it. It is a huge thing for me.
I've had a tough time with self acceptance, nearly destroyed myself in this process, though it has gotten easier. Honestly, recognizing that it's inevitable and that no amount of shame or hatred will change the core of who I am is what helps. I may be ashamed at times, but the fact is that won't change that I'm trans. Either I accept it or hate myself. That is sometimes a battle for me and it continues this day, but I make a lot of strides to overcome these things and have improved to some degree. Another thing that I imagine will help you heal is time. Allowing this all to become background noise and not part of your everday thoughts. I envy people that have gotten to that point and look forward to the day that this will be the same for me.
Good luck with your struggles. I hope things will get easier with time.
For almost 50 years I also fought the battle. Well, it actually was more of a Cold War. There were hundreds of expectations I needed to live up. Most societal, some I believe were actually my own. Perhaps by brainwashing, or plain wishful thinking. Many of these I categorize as part of my 3D's coping mechanism; Distractions, Diversions, and Denial.
For almost 6 years now I am fighting a new battle. A Hot War of acceptance. Not one of stuffing. One of breaking down the barriers between the two very core aspects of myself, my whole self, in search of happiness. I spent many decades teaching myself not to accept myself for who and what I am. It is deeply ingrained and hard to shake. But its foundations are crumbling to the point that the heavily fortified walls and army behind them are straw men. Easily knocked over. Only if I dare to push
Change is not easy
OMG there is good stuff in this thread for me
Daring to present andro at work today girls. Huge breakthrough this week.
I always seem to have to be pushed right to the edge before I accept just about anything. Now I want to throw in the towel, breath, and just have the guts to be me out there.
This is going to drive the homophobes I work with nuts....
I've been extremely fortunate. I haven't lost anybody that would've been difficult to lose in the process. I've gained a lot. It's difficult but it was definitely worth it.
I've been a little hesitant to start writing on this thread. Virtually every existential crisis in my life has been because I could not accept persons, places, things, even Ideas, as real and relevant to my life. From AA I got the notion that until I could accept that I was an alcoholic, I could not overcome my drinking. From the women here, therapy, and a lot of reading I have come to believe that unless I can accept myself as I am and without filtering the picture, my chances for happiness are nil. For decades I could not resolve the dichotomy of feeling female, and presenting male. The resolution seemed to be either madness or death.
For me, surrender to the objective fact that I am a woman and am not only powerless to change that, but wouldn't even if I could, has led me down the rabbit hole of transition and into wonderland. Once I accepted the reality of myself and surrendered to the inevitable, I could begin to grow and even to celebrate my blossoming femininity. Only once I accepted that the cost of transition need not be fatal to myself or the people I care about, could I make decisions to mitigate the harm to those I love, while becoming an authentic me. I talk a lot about being a human becoming, and my belief that transition, read change if you will, is both inevitable, and nothing to be terrified of.
To paraphrase John Donne; No one is an island, entire of itself. We are all a piece of the continent, a part of the main... anyone's death diminishes me because I am involved in mankind. I am involved with the lives of women who inspire and teach me on this site. I am involved in the community of clean and sober living. I am involved int the community of people who care passionately about social justice. In all of these venues I can only be effective if I recognize my truth and express it authentically and without fear. That authenticity, and freedom from paralysis, is only possible if I accept life as it is and myself as I am. For that I give thanks.
Whew, now you know why I hesitated.
Shalom,
Julie
I am so glad you did not though.
There is a difference within you and I. My soul does not feel female. It does not feel male either. But it surely feels very real. My body, however, is entirely female (preop). So if I am tenderly honest with myself, it need to accept that I am neither male nor female, that I am indeed a transwoman physically, and that I cannot predict if that will last as a constant or change somewhere else. If my inner soul became truly female, then FTE and all the rest. But if it remains as it has for the last 55 years, a blending or a not fitting either binary state mentally/psychically... then I can comfortable present either stealth or more likely based on how I feel, an andro look, a combination actually of male and female, which was todays comfortable and real presentation.
Julie you have helped so much. Shalom is right... Accepting without the screen of self deception is for me the crucial element. I can people please myself into all kinds of messes and misperceptions of self.
I remember 3 monts into sobriety looking into the mirror and saying who the heck is that. I do it now, and I say "I see you... its in your eyes, and you are loved." Not bad... not bad at all. Actually I see a lot more than that, I see the physical woman under the presentation all the time. And totally if I am ready to shower, and that always makes me smile. Big, real, smile.
There seems to be a difference in me for gender presentaiton and social perception, physical gender reality, and mental gender self perception. Presentation can be anythign that comes from a true center socially psychologically. Physical is just plain girl. transwoman. Mental self perception is this not male not female not bigender place, totally a neutral position of just me. Sober. Happy, joyous and free and trying to accept even that.... I may sound nuts here but hey, it seems to be real right now and it hasn't changed since starting therapy. I shouldn't have pushed the dysphoria by going too male though on presentaiton, I wont do that one again.
I value your comments and your commitment and your contributions. I was hoping you would weigh in on this.
You made a difference my dear, especially during that meltdown earlier this week. But now I don't have to hide in any of the meetings either and can stop obsessing about that.
Anyone reading, we are both sober for a very long time each. AA is wonderful and it works.
Julie and SJ
I love reading your posts. You capture and share the experiences, dilemmas and emotions so very powerfully. I sense that your insight has not been easily acquired but I really appreciate it and wish you both very well on your respective journeys.
Aisla
SJ if I may abbreviate, It doesn't matter a jot or a tittle what your soul identifies with in terms of gender. What matters is that you embrace and celebrate the person who does the identification. In the short time I've known you, I have seen passion, faith, and beauty. You are a special person my sister, and I celebrate and love you.
Aisla, You are my teacher here as are so many others. Without your insights I am diminished. I love reading your work, and appreciate your journey too.
Blessings,
Julie
Both of you very beautiful people are becoming very, very important to me.
I can be real around you.
Yes, I love that Satinjoy was able to escape her/my cage. There is so much power in the compassion, the love, the wisdom gleaned from others, the restoration, the pure joy, the transparancy.... This is what I truly value. It is evil that it was squashed in youth, it was gently brought forth in AA through desperation.. I would so love to see Miss Julie in an AA meeting, and I get REALLY fired up in there...we would have a blast
My self esteem is finally shifting towards what really matters and not what people think. I'll protect via genderfluid adaptations, but reality is that I no longer give validity to the transphobic, gender bound, blinded, misguided and innocent people that cannot see past a presentation and into the soul and the heart of God living in us.
I confuse gender identity with the physical/perceptive/center, the three components of me. If the dysphoria takes the physical and presentation to the typical end game, that is whre deep fear lives. Threatens sex relations-self esteem-physical needs-emotional love needs.... like looking down the barrel of a cannon wondering if it will go off or stay just fully loaded and dormant because the emotional push to fire it is missing and we don't know if she will show up and light a match.
I have absolutely no desire to interact and go out cross dressed. I have every need to go out internally female or more accurately internally transwoman and reading as andro, and be comfortable with my own God given body, just like any other girl that wears pants to work. My attractions are to male, female, and me actually to be brutally honest since I am gorgeous, my emotional attractions are always to women. Though male emotional love attractionss would be shut down due to marriage vows, I believe strongly in that being necessary for a happy bisexual orientation to work in a bound relationship.
My acceptance struggle which both of you have helped already is this: Accepting my wife has specific boundaries it is unwise to cross (or I would be presenting female with her fully instead of partially, but i am ok with that)(when your wife snaps your garter belt under your satin sleepshirt while cuddling its erotic to say the least, I am SOOO lucky), accepting that there are a.....oles in the world and I cannot change them but I need to understand they cannot harm me -lie:( they can. But I need not empower the bas...rds. And accepting that I have no control over whether my gender dysphoria progresses or not, and now with the meltdown, accepting that to force myself past dysphoria comfort zones is excedingly unwise.
Joanne can you explain the three D's for us?
Learningtolive you also are really helpful. I am following both of your posts too and draw strength from you.
Love to all my girls here, you special, beautiful and blessed people.
The persona of Satinjoy is very real and honest. I protect it outside though, through personality morphing. I think extreme abuse really did some heavy duty stuff to my mind. May also be why I was a broadway level actor and good at it (obviously) as a character actor. Those are my sober yets, my return to the stage, in a binding t shirt doing male roles.
OH we have something so special here at Susans. Look at the wonderful lives we get to reach out and gently touch.
Love you girls.
Miss Satinjoy
I'm hoping to pack up and take an extended road trip next year. If it happens you are one of the stops I hope to make. I would love to go to a meeting or a camp out (I am really partial to those) with you and your bride.
Peace,
Julie
Oh yeah, If you get to Seattle and don't call me to pick you up for a meeting, you will not be quickly forgiven. ;)
j
That would be amazing. I would enjoy that very much, and it would frankly rock my little normie wife's world a bit.
She is still adjusting, obviously, we would need to be so gentle, but she's learning...
God Bless. Feeling quite free at work today, presenting slightly andro, was natural in the business meeting at work, not putting any mask or defenses up. No repercussions, at least for them. Freedom for me. Hair down nails out and sitting like I normally do full transition, no posturing.
Acceptance-- this thread was your idea and seed plant... :)
Gentle and positive spirit, your spirit, very nice indeed.
I am sitting at my desk shaking like a piece of Jello. I so thank you all for being here for me, I am so vulnerable right now and just hanging on moment by moment.
Julie it is just massive the support you are giving. Thank you sweet one.
I am ok, just very delicate right now, letting the feelings flow through. Having finally talked, Satinjoy is flooding my body with feelings and she is OUT right now and will not be denied.
Oh how wonderful and how frightening to be free.
So many thanks girls, so much gratitude. How could I have made it so far... and I know I can walk this walk with you.
Love to all
I struggle with this too, in some ways more now than when I did when I was a man. When I was a man I was just a nerdy gay guy, who was attractive enough but you know, not mainstream attractive. As a woman I'm more attractive by conventional standards, and it's really hard to let go of that privilege and allow my inner identity to show, which is really much more genderqueer than my female presentation communicates.
Thankfully the guy I'm with seems to be attracted to me regardless of how I present so I have room to experiment. I'm about to cut my hair in a couple of weeks, shaving the sides and back and leaving a top knot. It'll mark me more as overtly queer. I'm kind of sick of the heterosexist stuff. I'll post a pic when it's done! :)
def struggled with this for awhile, fought myself saying no i'm not transgender, played the girl part for awhile, but eventually had to surrender and be happy you know, and now that I do accept it somewhat (still some days when I'm like whattt lol), i'm a lot happier, can't wait to keep moving on with my transition and I feel alive for once, It takes a lot to accept yourself and I think its a process that everyone struggles with
OK first OMG what a great bunch of wonderful people that have already responded to your post. Love them all..
Satinjoy
Wow, I can relate..hang in there. Being free is wonderful but it comes with the realization that a new journey has started.
I finally accepted that I am female totally not even close to male inside for sure.. and for me that was so difficult.. to the point as you know I fought myself.
Now, with others accepting it.. for me if they do thats great if not thats ok too..
For me, others are not me.. they can not possibly know how I suffered as a child and as an adult..
Those who accept me I truly have great deal of respect for and realize how much love they can have for others.
Those who can not accept me either are ignorant about the issues or they have their own issues which is ok.
Back to the point of accepting your self... I still struggle with it.. heck I was a pretty studly dude...and now I walk differently express myself as I am.. I am becoming really fem in so many ways slowly changing over time.
We are so lucky in some ways to get to do the grow up deal again..
Once we accept ourselves totally and grow with it over time it also helps others accept us for who we are on the inside.
We have dealt with this forever.. others just find out and they certainly need time to figure it out..
Love
Carrie
One of my favorite threads ever.. makes me feel so good.. you are all so awesome..
Loving you all
Carrie
Quote from: Satinjoy on May 01, 2014, 06:13:44 AMThats because I was taught, brutally, that it was very bad to be sensitive, non stereotypical male, and heavens forbid anything transgender.
I'm always confused why people consider themselves as, "being transgender."
You're either a man or a woman.
Transitioning isn't something that defines anyone, in my opinion it's just a chore to match your body with your mind.
Quote from: teeg on May 02, 2014, 03:07:41 PM
I'm always confused why people consider themselves as, "being transgender."
You're either a man or a woman.
Transitioning isn't something that defines anyone, in my opinion it's just a chore to match your body with your mind.
teeg
Many folk think in terms of binaries. Sexuality, genitalia, presentation, affectation, personality, leadership style etc can often be captured by using the binary male/female, masculine/feminine etc. However while this approach is often convenient and a good approximate it is likely to be clumsy and not capable of capturing nuance in any of the above areas never mind in the most important area of all ie core identity, gender identity, self identification etc.
It is a fact that for many of us we feel differently and respond differently according to interaction, situation, circumstance, socio economic relationship, mood, history et al. We respond intuitively with nuance - from change in non verbal cues like body language/gestures/affectation; clothing/hair/style/look; verbal language; verbal pitch/style/intonation/inflexion; deliberate physical or permanent changes by surgery etc; physical change from a different hormone regimen (binary opposite to their natal chemistry or indeed all points in between) etc. The net effect is for an individual to express themselves as a composite of many signals/features etc - as a composite which presents a perspective to another ... now this could be an attempt to fully and to authentically communicate their identity or it may just be a chimera, just a flash of one side of their identity which may may flow or change deliberately or instinctively. For some this is an entirely honest and authentic response, for others it may be a carefully controlled performance. Both could apply to a binary identifying person and both could apply to a gender fluid, gender queer, transgendered person.
Now many forum members have been been better able to capture and express the essence of a non binary experience than Ativan. Ativan is better able than I to articulate the reality of a non binary paradigm than I am currently equipped to express. But in spite of my limitations I hope that you now sense that a binary view on most anything is often limiting, perhaps unintentionally disrespectful and should like most language only be consciously and respectfully applied.
Of course when you start to consider that gender is in fact mere bunkum, a societal artifice and perhaps now an artefact used to reinforce biological and social difference and advantage, then you may be more open to a more nuanced, less binarised and potentially less clumsy view of the world. For me this is a core part of my journey. Seeking truth and authenticity in myself and in others requires that I challenge and question what at first seems self evident and apparently 'obvious'.
In this context transitioning is in fact changing. It may well be, as you say, a deliberate journey from one binary identity to another, but for an increasing number of others it is far more than this. The journey or indeed the dance may in fact be far, far more important than the original destination.
Safe travels
Aisla
I just don't see the big deal. I'm a transgender. so what.
Quote from: stephaniec on May 02, 2014, 05:00:40 PM
I just don't see the big deal. I'm a transgender. so what.
Stephanie
Completely agree but my post was in response to Teeg who I undertstood to be questioning the validity of, or need for the term transgender as she categorises folk as a binary ie "as either a man or a woman" which excludes/ does not validate other experiences captured under the broad descriptor of transgender.
Aisla
As usual Aisla you give me a lot to think about, and I feel quite validated and protected by you...
Its a huge big deal for me, if it is not for others, that is a gift to you. :) I am glad for it. For me, with so much at stake and with the vulnerablility that I feel, and the past abuse scenario, it is a life and death struggle to stay sane and to become authentic.
Which I was able to be today, my core has shifted towards the transwoman as a result of this thread and as a result of an awesome and unexpected panic call to Miss Julie by me. I am so isolated that Miss Julie is the only trans person I have ever spoken to about trans. During the chat with Julie, Satinjoy, (real me), took control and she stayed in control right through the work hours. Powerfully.
Before, It was not ok for me to be me. Now it is paramount for me to be me, because fighting it brought me to a nervous breakdown earlier this week, and I thought prior to that that I was doing ok. Not so. But actually given all the odds, I think I am doing great, even with all this pain and emotional craziness. Didn't expect to hit the wall a second time though.
The support systems or rather the people here at Susan's are enormous. Some may may be tougher, but I need them and I need them big time.
So I have been out today again, andro presentation, nails out and clear polished, and doing everything I can to breath, feel, and be in the free core I am learning is far from the shameful person I was told I was, and am instead a vibrant, caring and beutiful internal woman and human being, useful to this world and needing to dare to be real, presentation not mattering but repression finally being cast aside.
It felt really good. And my wife reinforced today that she does not want a divorce, does not want to live alone, loves me unconditionally and is called by her Christ to embrace and carry me though, she does not want to see be break or suicide out, she just wants to love and to be loved. She doesn't like it when I am sitting trans and exposed physically in a slip and tee shirt, but she gets past it quick, her love overpowers it. I am very lucky. I pray it remain sustainable.
Oh and with Satinjoy freed up still (sorry about 3rd person its obviously not a split here), I got really passionate and sensual with her in bed today. I cannot begin to say how incredible that is, to be real there too. Somehow, she is responsive to this, even though she is not lesbian and is actually quite homophobic. Paradox.
So I share the victory here with you. Working the acceptance here, and trying as hard as I can to be transparent, authentic, and genuine. There is no "act" with me about trans in any way. It is all coming from the inside and just flows, the trick for me is breathing, not tensing up, and letting it flow, and trusting it will all be ok.
The old saying is some are sicker than others. I was very sick. Now I am very trusting and open, at least in here in the reletive safety and protection of the forum.
I wonder just how far my Satinjoy is going to fly... I can't seem to predict anything anymore. Still planning on not crossing boundaries though, I accept that my wife simply cannot handle seeing my body. Such a small thing. No biggie. The full transition issue is tougher but i think it'll be ok since I have the genderfluid thing.
Thanks so much Girls and Boy for all of your great compassion and support. You need to feel good about what you have done here.
Satinjoy
Your post has given me such a boost I cannot wipe the smile from my face and the joy from my heart. Your journey; your raw and honest engagement with yourself, with your wife and with us is such a gift; I sit in awe.
Long and happy may your travels be.
Love
Aisla