First off i wanted to say a big thank you to everyone here who has expressed concern for my well being recently. While it is very unlikely that I would ever meet any of you in person, I am deeply touched that so many people I have never met care. I would like to give some updates to some of the issues I have been posting about. Sorry of it seems excessively long.
Relationship:My relationship is still pretty rocky. There are so many pressures coming from many different directions at the moment that it is hard to focus on any one thing. We are having huge financial issues. We strongly disagree about polyamory. We are dealing with hormone fluctuations; I am ramping up my HRT my partner who is FTM has had to stop taking T for medical reasons.
Medication:I was taking an anti depressant in combination with two different anti-anexitey meds. This combination made me an angry, paranoid, spiteful person. I have weaned myself off of both anti-anxiety meds and am starting to even out. I'm tempted to try and get off the antidepressant as well, but past experience has told me that it is not a good idea.
Financial:I am having huge financial issues. I have been out of work for over six months and have exhausted my unemployment benefits. I just completed my 4th week without any income whatsoever. This is the longest I have gone without an income since I was 10 years old and earned 50 cents a week taking out the trash. I have applied to nearly three hundred jobs and have only interviewed with three companies. One of those companies I have interviewed with three times thus far and still have not received an offer.
Because of money being so tight things have had to be sacrificed. My cell phone was shut off. I was not able to make my monthly car payments and my car was repossessed by the finance company early last week. Six and a half years of payments and over $26,000 just gone in an instant.
My partner works part time in a fast food restaurant for minimum wage and receives a small amount of government assistance monthly. Currently we have three people living on a total of $1300 a month. Eight months ago I earned that in a week. In spite of all the difficulties we have managed to figure out how to keep a roof over out heads and the utilities on for this month. The financial difficulties have obviously put a great amount of strain on our relationship. My partner has pointed out that he can manage to support himself and his child, but not me too. He has asked me to find other housing options. I understand that he has to look out for his child above all else and see his point. I am not sure how much longer staying with him is a viable option.
Because things have gotten so bad I had to do something I had never even considered in my life. I applied for public assistance. I was given emergency food stamps yesterday and have a hearing later this month regarding cash aid. While I am a great believer in social programs to help the needy, I never imagined that I would ever be in a position where I would need to use them myself. I started working full time at 16. I have a college degree. I'm 45 years old and have had four jobs in my entire life. The shortest time I have spent in any one job was just shy of four years. The fact I have had to apply for welfare and food stamps is one of the most depressing things I have ever done.
Mental HealthI've had my ups and downs, but am doing better all things considered. The suicidal ideation has eased. Three weeks ago I was writing letters for my final arrangements and researching the most effective and clean methods. Now I try and find a reason to carry on every day. As bleak as things are at the moment, I know I just need one thing to break my way to get back on the right path.
A restoration of my faith in humanityI have had a couple of things happen recently that have made me realize that there are still good people in this world...
- The kind words and encouragement that I have received from people here at Susan's.
- Help from an unexpected source. I had written a post on Facebook about my struggles in far more detail that I have here. I heard from a friend that lives on the opposite coast and I haven't seen in over 20 years. She is a professional photographer and connected me with a colleague in my area. We got into a three way chat, trying to figure out some options. The two of them figured that one of the most important things I needed was a phone so I could be reachable in my job search. They got together and purchased a pre-paid cell phone for me. I was stunned, someone who I hadn't seen in more than two decades and someone I had never met helped me out in a meaningful way.
- An act of kindness from a stranger. Yesterday I spent nearly two hours on busses and on foot to get to the pharmacy at my HMO to pick up a prescription refill for my estrogen patches. I got there and discovered that I had an unexpected $5 co-pay and did not have the money to pay for it. I begged and pleaded with them to bill me, but they would not. Despondent I sat in the hallway outside the pharmacy and started crying uncontrollably. A woman approached me and asked what was wrong. Through my tears I explained my situation. She reached into her purse and handed me $10. She would not let me give her the change, and would not even tell me her name.
Just keep swimming...I am going through the roughest patch in my life, but I am moving moving forward ever so slowly. Every day I look for some good in the world and try to figure out how to make my life better. The kindness of old friends and strangers has reminded me that there is still good in the world. Through HRT I am finally getting the mental and emotional clarity along with the body I have always wanted. Despite the issues we are having at the moment, I have a wonderful partner and he has a beautiful child that I love more than anything.
I will get through this. I will be a better person. I will survive and be stronger in the end.
-Allison
wish you well. There's nothing wrong with public aid, you paid into it all your working life.