Hello Everybody!
I'm Georgia, from Melbourne Australia. I turned 33 in March this year. I've only dipped a toe in the trans-pool so far, and even though I know I have a long journey ahead of me, finally accepting and taking steps towards manifesting my truth has been a profound and liberating experience.
I have spent the greatest part of my life pretending, more like performing a role. In a black and white world I was a gay man. Deep down that never felt right to me, although I'd never deny my physical attraction to men. I was feminine from infancy all the way through to my teens, and as I approached adulthood, with an understanding of homosexuality, I assumed that my feminine traits were part of the package. It was when I begun to experience rejection from inside the community I was desperately trying to establish myself in that I started having my gender conflict. So I did what anyone hell bent on acceptance and outside validation does. I changed. I shaved my head, obtained steroids and tried to add mass. Bought a needlessly butch car and wardrobe to fit my new personality. I had been a hairdresser and became a carpentry apprentice. I intentionally lowered my speaking voice and adopted an unenthusiastic monotone speech pattern. My mannerisms and posture were constantly kept in check and adjusted. I had become so entrenched with my self monitoring and censorship that I didn't even feel human anymore. I felt nothing but fear, no happiness, although my "character" could exhibit it, no sadness, all my emotions were under lock and key with my femininity. Reading post after post here I'm relieved to know I'm not the only person who's lived meticulously programmed, almost like a hologram. Now that I've tapped back into my emotions it does sadden me that myself or anyone for that matter feels or has felt compelled to go to such lengths to feel some sense of value. It's crushing when you come to the realization that all that acceptance you've worked towards achieving is derived from a facade, and consequently is false as a result.
About 5 years ago I worked briefly in a gay bar. I was aware of the transgender community but my exposure was limited to drag shows, which were for all intents and purposes just as fantastical as the person I was portraying. Entertaining? Yes, well, some of the time. But hardly an example of the real transgender experience, some of us potentially consider it a mocking example of it. She-male porn with sequins and feathers jammed in where the sex used to be if you will. I enjoyed it though for it's creative merits. Anyway, being that I was striving to achieve the all masculine "I thought you were a straight guy" patch, transgender people weren't amongst any circle I gravitated towards. However, during my time working at this bar I had the opportunity to meet the performers on a different level. And a few of them left quite an impact on me. Performers who I had the chance to meet without all the glitz and makeup, who once their stage selfs were packed in their rolling travelling cases were living and breathing transwomen. No makeup, no vulgarity, no pomposity. They were "normal". I admired and envied them all at once. And with that slightest glimpse, the quiet female prisoner inside me started a riot.
I started dressing at home, there was still fear there, but all my other emotions finally surfaced. I felt alive for the first time since adolescence. It wasn't a sexual endeavor for me, I wasn't aroused as such, but I was left questioning every sexual experience I had ever had. Every human experience I had ever had. What would they have been like if my emotions were accessible at the same time? In essence, isn't that what qualifies an experience?
I started to explore the possibilities. All the while carrying out my day to day life from inside my shell. I made two errors that set me back. One was regarding a misinterpretation of the real life experience. And the other was opening up to a friend about the yearning I had. She was a studying social worker so I assumed she was qualified or at least objective enough to have such a discussion. Little did I know that she, a) grew up with a transvestite Step-Father, b) had some residual ill feelings about it, and finally c) couldn't separate her feelings from mine during the discussion.
Disheartened, I locked my truth away once more. Reverted to my old behavior and pressed on. Life had become even less satisfying for me though. My awareness had shifted since that event. It's something in me I couldn't shake. I had an honest conversation with myself. I asked myself why I choose to deny who I fundamentally am? The person I am naturally, effortlessly? Why have I persisted with this role playing all this time, when it leaves me feeling so empty, unhappy and soul-less? No answer I came up with was in alignment with what I feel.
Thank you Susan for this incredible resource, and everyone here who's made a contribution. I am much more informed than I ever dreamt I could be. I've taken some very positive steps toward a future of self acceptance, happiness and hope. I have an appointment with a prominent gender dysphoria specialist here in Melbourne coming up and have begun telling my truth to the people I care about. They have been much more accepting than I gave them credit for and that's a blessing. I am still terrified, but at the same time I finally feel at ease and un-burdened by my own self imposed limitations, a credit to all those here who have shared their truth as well.
I AM Georgia,
thank you for reading.
Hi Georgia , I used to be like you, used to think that i was gay until the age of 18-19 , i couldnt take it anymore & started transitioning ..
I'm 35 now and couldn't be happier with who I am .. I hope you will find the right path to go through & be who you really want to be ..
good luck & cheers from Adelaide !
Thanks Diana for the encouragement. I'm trying to adopt a "no regrets" attitude but can't help but wonder how things may have turned out for me if I had your self-assurance at 18. Focusing on the future and reminding myself I've still benefited from the lessons I've learned in life so it's not been a complete waste!
I have fond memories of beer and seafood in Glenelg and a day at the Barossa (actually I don't recall all that much from that day :P ). Lovely spot Adelaide.
A big warm welcome to the family Georgia! We have a huge rather awesome group of Aussie's here. It will not take you any time at all to fit in here and know you are now one of us, so don't be shy at all and dig right in. Feel free to rant, vent, share good news, learn or just have some distracting fun. Here is a BIG HUG :icon_hug: to welcome you and make you feel right at home! :)
Please review
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
Hey Georgia another one of the Aussies here wishing you hello. A no regrets attitude is a good attitude to have, we may of wished that we had the confidence to start when we where younger but how do we know we could of survived. What if is a sometimes fun but dangerous game to play. All that matters is your here now and your starting on the path to find who you truly are .
So come on in pull up a chair join the fun don't be shy, hope to be seeing more of you in the forums soon.
Gypsy
nice to see another bar worker here as an ex-bartender I would love to trade horror stories with you one day
Hi Georgia and welcome to Susan's.
Wow!
So nice of you for the warm welcomes! Day one as a member here and already feeling a sense of community and belonging.
Thanks especially to you Jessica for the hug! Feeling the love! I'll certainly check those links out.
And Gypsy, I'm sure we'd enjoy horrifying one another with some tales. Pull up a chair? More like a bar stool!
Quote from: GeorgiaD on May 04, 2014, 11:23:44 PM
I have fond memories of beer and seafood in Glenelg and a day at the Barossa (actually I don't recall all that much from that day :P ). Lovely spot Adelaide.
yes Glenelg is a lovely spot to hang out ! Me & my partner just spent a night at Nuriootpa in Barossa last weekend , lovely place !
I love Melbourne, used to live in Broadmeadows for a while many years ago :) .. we had a road trip from Adelaide to Melbourne last year, lots of fun !
Hi Honey,
Cindy from a cold wet horrible Adelaide, lots of Aussie girls here, and we are all friends.
Welcome Hon
Hi Georgia, welcome to the forum! I'm from the Sydney crew!
Quote from: GeorgiaD on May 05, 2014, 04:40:39 AM
And Gypsy, I'm sure we'd enjoy horrifying one another with some tales. Pull up a chair? More like a bar stool!
I'll drink to that (pun intended). While we may not of seen it all. From horror, to amusing to what the I'm sure we will have some tales to trade.
Hi Georgia and welcome to Susan's.
:)