So today I was going to class in all girl clothes. I've never done this before. I did my makeup, colored my toenails, styled my hair and I felt really good. My partner said she was very proud of me. Then as we had everything at the door, ready to go after a half hour of preparation, I glanced in the mirror and had a total mind shift. I looked in the mirror, and saw a man staring back at me wearing girls clothing. This scared the ->-bleeped-<- out of me- "I just saw a man in the mirror", "I can't do this" I started to cry and ran to change my clothes. I put on a girls shirt I just bought and some baggy hemp pants and went out the door no problem.
Now this is what I don't understand- my mind thinks that if I have at least 1 article of male clothing on, then somehow people will not look at me and think I'm a guy crossdressing. Somehow my mind thinks it's more socially acceptable to be perceived as a male wearing feminine clothing rather then a male wearing all womens clothing. I didn't even take off my makeup and I was fine for some reason. On top of that, the hemp pants are gender neutral, not even male clothing. Seriously, I don't understand myself at all. I was so ready to say screw what other people think, but then once my self image changed I suddenly was not okay anymore. I feel ugly.
Why does my perception of my body affect me so much? My partner says she sees me as a female all the time- but as soon as I get a glance of my huge hands or feel my facial hair- I get major dysphoria. Seeing my male body makes me freeze up and not feel comfortable expressing my female self. I know who I am, no matter what other people think- but for some reason I cling on to my male fascade to protect the vulnverable female inside.
ah man tell me about it. i tried transitioning but it failed as soon as that gross piece of flesh decided to wake up. messed up my whole girl mode and nearly sent me into cardiac arrest becuz my dysphoria hit god like status. a huge eye opener for me.
Probably your sense of self-preservation. Of your ego if nothing else. While we are our own worst critics. If you couldn't even pass your own mirror check, you probably would have broken down in public.
Extending yourself/ female identity into a place where you have to socially interact, and ever worse are required to on a regular basis like class or work is probably not a good idea. If it goes badly, then what? You have to go back the next day.
Small circles grasshoppa'.
Yeah, there is a threshold where a male can go from being "quirky", "eclectic", or "avant gard" to "creepy", "disturbed", or "queer". While internally it doesn't matter. I bet you are perfectly fine around the house in F dress. But you have to interact with the external environment and view yourself from that frame. Its kind of the rules of the game. Strive for a binary M or F, or find a comfortable, accepted, non-binary point somewhere in the middle. But they are ill defined. And the game is finding one that suits you and your life. That is the painful part of the transition process.
Stream o' consciousness opinion post is done. time for bed...
I do/did the same damned thing...
Where it comes from is just basically a mental defense mechanism that lets you deal with potential bad things that happen better. Because if you're wearing at least something that's more unisex, you can claim that you're still dressing in a way that's not completely out of left field for your birth sex, so therefore it allows a mental cushion to deal with what would happen if people question you. Also if you're not wearing completely female clothes, and people gender you male anyway, it lets you use the mental excuse of "well, I wasn't in completely female clothes, so it's okay if they misgender me."
It just takes time. There are one of two ways that you can deal with this. Either you can wait until you've built up your confidence in your passability, and thus you slowly start allowing yourself to get the confidence to wear these things while believing that you're passable, or you just learn that you have a right to be yourself and do what you want, and that even if people think you're weird, it's not your problem, it's theirs. Those are the two coping methods that I've seen.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on May 08, 2014, 10:12:07 PM
I do/did the same damned thing...
Where it comes from is just basically a mental defense mechanism that lets you deal with potential bad things that happen better. Because if you're wearing at least something that's more unisex, you can claim that you're still dressing in a way that's not completely out of left field for your birth sex, so therefore it allows a mental cushion to deal with what would happen if people question you. Also if you're not wearing completely female clothes, and people gender you male anyway, it lets you use the mental excuse of "well, I wasn't in completely female clothes, so it's okay if they misgender me."
It just takes time. There are one of two ways that you can deal with this. Either you can wait until you've built up your confidence in your passability, and thus you slowly start allowing yourself to get the confidence to wear these things while believing that you're passable, or you just learn that you have a right to be yourself and do what you want, and that even if people think you're weird, it's not your problem, it's theirs. Those are the two coping methods that I've seen.
Wow. I couldn't have worded it any better. Those describe my feelings exactly! so how do we get over it???
Quote from: JamesG on May 08, 2014, 10:07:47 PM
Probably your sense of self-preservation. Of your ego if nothing else. While we are our own worst critics. If you couldn't even pass your own mirror check, you probably would have broken down in public.
Extending yourself/ female identity into a place where you have to socially interact, and ever worse are required to on a regular basis like class or work is probably not a good idea. If it goes badly, then what? You have to go back the next day.
Small circles grasshoppa'.
Yeah, there is a threshold where a male can go from being "quirky", "eclectic", or "avant gard" to "creepy", "disturbed", or "queer". While internally it doesn't matter. I bet you are perfectly fine around the house in F dress. But you have to interact with the external environment and view yourself from that frame. Its kind of the rules of the game. Strive for a binary M or F, or find a comfortable, accepted, non-binary point somewhere in the middle. But they are ill defined. And the game is finding one that suits you and your life. That is the painful part of the transition process.
Stream o' consciousness opinion post is done. time for bed...
so you think that when I get more comfortable with my own image in the mirror, that my anxiety around others will reduce?
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 08, 2014, 10:05:32 PM
ah man tell me about it. i tried transitioning but it failed as soon as that gross piece of flesh decided to wake up. messed up my whole girl mode and nearly sent me into cardiac arrest becuz my dysphoria hit god like status. a huge eye opener for me.
Girl you better watch where you say 'ah man'!
haha jk :P I think I've also had similar moments and just had panic attacks...
Quote from: Debussy on May 09, 2014, 12:15:19 AM
Wow. I couldn't have worded it any better. Those describe my feelings exactly! so how do we get over it???
so you think that when I get more comfortable with my own image in the mirror, that my anxiety around others will reduce?
Girl you better watch where you say 'ah man'!
haha jk :P I think I've also had similar moments and just had panic attacks...
i wish i had panic attacks cuz that would mean i'm ok. that was like the first time i felt i was going into cardiac arrest xD and shush, whats wrong with ah man xDxD
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 12:24:20 AM
i wish i had panic attacks cuz that would mean i'm ok. that was like the first time i felt i was going into cardiac arrest xD and shush, whats wrong with ah man xDxD
That is very intense- I can't imagine how you wouldn't have your letter yet after having to go through that.
Aah nothin :D
oh and hey, my mom just referred to me as she for the first time, today!
i'll tell my therapist when i see him cuz he's almost convinced enough that if i dont get on the pill, i'd end up having a heart attack. i mean i rather work through it but this is just to much
Quote from: Debussy on May 09, 2014, 12:46:30 AM
That is very intense- I can't imagine how you wouldn't have your letter yet after having to go through that.
Aah nothin :D
oh and hey, my mom just referred to me as she for the first time, today!
me either. he is convinced but he doesnt want me to jump in head first though i'm afraid i might have a heart attack before i get my letter o.o
I feel you dear ,
of course same thing has happened to me...
its pretty sad to be honest,unfortunately this process requires a lot of time
(hormones,surgeries etc) in order to not see a man in the mirror...
at least for most of us...
dont push yourself , you dont "need" to go for an all female presentation if you dont feel as if a woman is staring back at you in the mirror, its ok to give it time...
Quote from: FalseHybridPrincess on May 09, 2014, 12:56:53 AM
I feel you dear ,
of course same thing has happened to me...
its pretty sad to be honest,unfortunately this process requires a lot of time
(hormones,surgeries etc) in order to not see a man in the mirror...
at least for most of us...
dont push yourself , you dont "need" to go for an all female presentation if you dont feel as if a woman is staring back at you in the mirror, its ok to give it time...
yea, after my next heart attack xD (already had 2 so far and counting)
Taking that first step out the door is one leap of faith. getting passed the garden gate is another. passing another pedestrian is another. interacting with someone is another. we all take steps. leaping takes longer to learn.
scholl might not be the best place for first time girl mode venture. for me it was to my doctors.
then my sisters.
then to my freinds in a taxi.
into city center with said freind
into town a drink with sister n bf.
then to my lacol store.
point is so far iv only gone on my own to places wear people aceppt me. partly because if anything bad happens i got a shouder to cry on and a face to chear me up.
and into vastly populated areas with a freind for support.
and after i get comfatable with that il start working on solo outings to populated places.
oh yeah my doctor visits. i find that somtime on my way home ill decide to go somplace els. and felt much more comfatable shopping for clothes in girl mode. probably cause i know even if im clocked as guy theill know its to buy clothes and not to perv.
passing to yourself is a big helper too. try to remember your going to know about things others might not notice. and to you your shadow may as well be a beard like santas. if santa didnt have beard they wouldnt draw a shadow.
and i know what crumbling is like. i creid my dad to his wits end because i couldnt get out the door to go three doors down to a none judgemenlt postbox. less then 30 seconds of exsposure to daylight and couldnt do it. the worst part is ive beeb further before. but i guage myself on stubble visibility. its my bigest barriar atm.
I am pre everything and have only gone out five times all girl. Brief forays into the world as me. Pale skin and dark hair, I have to wear full makeup for my own sanity. Except for the broad shoulders and bulky upper body, I generally come off as a masculine girl. Now that it is getting warmer I can't hide the gross muscle bulk, so I don't go out.
I thought it would be better to do it like I learned to swim, jump in the deep end and hope I don't drown. Didn't turn out that way at all. Every time is just like the first. When I talk to someone, it comes out as a squeaky whisper and my face turns crimson. I have to force myself to push my shoulders back, lift up my head and speak like a human being. Then I break every traffic law known to man to get home.
I will try wearing one piece of gender neutral clothing next time. I like that idea :)
All well and good to dare the world to make an issue out of it, but it would be nice if I were not quivering inside when I do it. :)
I am so tired of not fitting in. I can't accept the world as a man and the world can't accept me as a woman. Sigh... it's a long road.
Mikaela
i just find dysphoria to be a pain and it throws you off to much lol
Twice in my twenties I experimented with transitioning. Twice in my twenties I put a stop to it.
One of the Top-Ten reasons why was not being to shake that "Some guy in a dress" feeling I got when trying to be out and about in the real world during the day.
Looking back, the main reasons why I couldn't were 1) Lack of self-esteem. 2) Lack of confidence. 3) Shame, 4) Guilt. It took a lot of hard work to fix these. Shame is still a biggie but keeps getting smaller. These days when I look in the mirror I think Not bad for an old bat
This has been my problem. No matter what, I can't escape from seeing a guy or a noticeable transwoman in the mirror. It's prevented me everytime I did consider saying "f@#$ it" and walking out. This has taught me two things. I need to work on my appearance a lot more before putting myself in this situation and I need to work on my self esteem. I got to stop caring about other people and be able to say "f@#$ you" to people without an issue.
In any case, I'm sorry that I have no solutions, but I can at least empathize. The one thing I'll say is that everyone tells me it takes time for us to get adjusted to see ourselves as women physically. So maybe it's just an issue of time and adjustment rather than your actual appearance?
I think you just gotta take it one step at a time. I felt the same way the moment i even wore a feminine looking shirt lol. The thing is that you've been staring at male you for (x) amount of years so NOT seeing male you is pretty hard. Being that I'm only about 3 months in, I still see the guy in the mirror, but the more I told myself that the guy in the mirror is only there because my mind wants to see him, i began to see the girl there. Its funny because physically i still see the male, but emotionally; mentally, I see the girl and whether or not people see a guy in women's clothes or a cross-dresser or whatever, the rest of me screams female.
Only a month ago, I couldn't stop people from Sir-ing me and people gawked as if i had escaped from the zoo. I asked my wife "did I get prettier? or did everyone in Miami suddenly develop manners?" and seeing as only one could possibly be logical, I imagined that with the increase in my self-confidence came the increase in proper response.
People are gonna stare no matter what. Even when i fully transition and look unmistakebly female... im gonna get stared at for ONE reason or another, whether its because I have big hands or because im freakishly tall for a woman. Something that really helped me with confidence and not caring is telling myself, "What i'm doing is not easy, and it takes major guts to do what I'm doing.. most cismen wouldnt even admit to liking a female artist and most ciswomen would never admit to having a lot of sex... I'm living my life and slamming through taboos. I'm stronger than these people who stare at me because they envy my ability to be free and not care."
The more i told myself this, the more I realized that just by being confident and happy in who I am, literally opened the flood-gates of positive energy. Sure I still get stares or looked at ~ but people SEE and FEEL my joyous energy and can't help but respond with the same. Someone even told me "omg my daughter is just as tall as you! I wish I was as tall as you girls!" And I KNOW I haven't changed drastically between now and a month ago :P
Just be you and be proud of you for being you, because most people are afraid to be themselves. For all you know, you might be a beacon of strength for others.
You and others might see or think you are a guy in a dress, but the more confident you are, the more they will think "that girl is butch looking" instead of "that guy is in a dress". Its not an easy thing to master, but when you do master it, there is no feeling like being proud with yourself and having others react positively to it.
p.s. sorry for the essay... I really need to work on summarizing :embarrassed:
progressive baby steps
Quote from: LittleEmily24 on May 09, 2014, 11:04:16 AM
I think you just gotta take it one step at a time. I felt the same way the moment i even wore a feminine looking shirt lol. The thing is that you've been staring at male you for (x) amount of years so NOT seeing male you is pretty hard. Being that I'm only about 3 months in, I still see the guy in the mirror, but the more I told myself that the guy in the mirror is only there because my mind wants to see him, i began to see the girl there. Its funny because physically i still see the male, but emotionally; mentally, I see the girl and whether or not people see a guy in women's clothes or a cross-dresser or whatever, the rest of me screams female.
Only a month ago, I couldn't stop people from Sir-ing me and people gawked as if i had escaped from the zoo. I asked my wife "did I get prettier? or did everyone in Miami suddenly develop manners?" and seeing as only one could possibly be logical, I imagined that with the increase in my self-confidence came the increase in proper response.
People are gonna stare no matter what. Even when i fully transition and look unmistakebly female... im gonna get stared at for ONE reason or another, whether its because I have big hands or because im freakishly tall for a woman. Something that really helped me with confidence and not caring is telling myself, "What i'm doing is not easy, and it takes major guts to do what I'm doing.. most cismen wouldnt even admit to liking a female artist and most ciswomen would never admit to having a lot of sex... I'm living my life and slamming through taboos. I'm stronger than these people who stare at me because they envy my ability to be free and not care."
The more i told myself this, the more I realized that just by being confident and happy in who I am, literally opened the flood-gates of positive energy. Sure I still get stares or looked at ~ but people SEE and FEEL my joyous energy and can't help but respond with the same. Someone even told me "omg my daughter is just as tall as you! I wish I was as tall as you girls!" And I KNOW I haven't changed drastically between now and a month ago :P
Just be you and be proud of you for being you, because most people are afraid to be themselves. For all you know, you might be a beacon of strength for others.
You and others might see or think you are a guy in a dress, but the more confident you are, the more they will think "that girl is butch looking" instead of "that guy is in a dress". Its not an easy thing to master, but when you do master it, there is no feeling like being proud with yourself and having others react positively to it.
p.s. sorry for the essay... I really need to work on summarizing :embarrassed:
Thank you so much for the essay! It's so weird because I am SO used to people staring at me, even before transition. I had long hair and went to class in full medieval garb just last semester. But this kind of staring hits me harder, I feel so much more vulnerable.. I've gotten over "what people might be thinking" many times before, like when I learned to sing in public. It happened when I really appreciated my own voice, and would sing walking everywhere and not give a damn what other people thought. But this is very different, and the process to get to that 'not caring' attitude is VERY different than what it took to wear exotic clothing and sing in public.
But honestly, even being on HRT I'm not really a bundle of joy. My inner voice is a cruel one, and I am crushed under it every day. I think my kind inner voice just ran and hid when the dysphoria monster voice took over. I think I had some sense of self confidence yesterday when I was about to go out, I was feeling good about myself. But that last look in the mirror brought up all the fear, and all the positivity I had built up couldn't beat it.
Be proud of myself... the concept feels so alien.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 09, 2014, 08:57:35 AM
This has been my problem. No matter what, I can't escape from seeing a guy or a noticeable transwoman in the mirror. It's prevented me everytime I did consider saying "f@#$ it" and walking out. This has taught me two things. I need to work on my appearance a lot more before putting myself in this situation and I need to work on my self esteem. I got to stop caring about other people and be able to say "f@#$ you" to people without an issue.
In any case, I'm sorry that I have no solutions, but I can at least empathize. The one thing I'll say is that everyone tells me it takes time for us to get adjusted to see ourselves as women physically. So maybe it's just an issue of time and adjustment rather than your actual appearance?
how long on HRT do you think it usually takes people to see the girl in the mirror? I've seen it only several times, but it always goes away. I've only had one session of laser, so I'm not even done with that... but still!
Quote from: JoanneB on May 09, 2014, 07:59:23 AM
Twice in my twenties I experimented with transitioning. Twice in my twenties I put a stop to it.
One of the Top-Ten reasons why was not being to shake that "Some guy in a dress" feeling I got when trying to be out and about in the real world during the day.
Looking back, the main reasons why I couldn't were 1) Lack of self-esteem. 2) Lack of confidence. 3) Shame, 4) Guilt. It took a lot of hard work to fix these. Shame is still a biggie but keeps getting smaller. These days when I look in the mirror I think Not bad for an old bat
I don't know why we're so scared of people thinking we're 'guys in dresses'. BUT GIRLS CAN WEAR PANTS NOW!?
Quote from: Mikaela on May 09, 2014, 01:18:13 AM
I am so tired of not fitting in. I can't accept the world as a man and the world can't accept me as a woman. Sigh... it's a long road.
Mikaela
Wow. it's a really heartbreaking place to be in. It's like purgatory.
Quote from: Debussy on May 09, 2014, 03:32:46 PM
how long on HRT do you think it usually takes people to see the girl in the mirror? I've seen it only several times, but it always goes away. I've only had one session of laser, so I'm not even done with that... but still!
It depends on the person more than it depends on the hormones (IMO) if you refuse to see the girl and only concentrate on seeing the guy, you will never see the girl. The key is to train yourself to stop concentrating on what makes you physically male and concentrate more on what makes you female... There are masculine looking girls out there too, just look at Brooke Shields or Naomi Campbell; both beautiful and both have masculine facial features, sometimes having a bit of masculinity in your features isn't always a bad thing.
That's the difference between a pre or early transition person seeing the girl in the mirror with no problem and a fully transitioned person never seeing it.
But again, this is just my opinion.
Your first few trips out in girl mode should be brief and into controlled environments. with supportive people (if at all possible), and with an escape/retreat plan in case things go pear shaped. Even if it's just getting out the door that's a start. As I went out in girl mode I progressively pushed the envelope to make it more and more challenging - there were a couple of times I baulked and almost ran away but didn't, and then ended up having a great time. If I had bailed I would have spent the rest of the week beating myself up over it, so for that reason alone I'm glad I stared down my fears. The confidence will come in time, just don't push yourself too far past your comfort zone and avoid setting yourself up to fail - a day at school was a little overly enthusiastic perhaps.
Secondly, don't trust yourself to be a fair and accurate judge of your appearance. We are way too critical of ourselves and there is a resistant aspect to our psyche that is way to willing to spoil the fun and point out the "deception"...that part is called self-doubt. Sometimes self-doubt is useful but if you give it free reign you'll never accomplish your goals. Humans are rarely good judges of our own appearance. It amazes me, even six weeks after going full time, that I actually pass day after day. Some mornings I get dressed for work and then completely change because, for example, I'm not sure I'd be passable in pants (apparently I am). You said your wife was supportive, if you don't feel you're looking right ask her to feed back to you what you could do to "improve" your presentation...women can be brutally honest and that's what you may need. If she tells you that you look great then you look great. If she tells you that you need less make up then you need less make up. She and other people will be much more honest and reliable judges than your self-doubt.
Thirdly, passing isn't just about how you look. It's about confidence and presentation. And no, presentation isn't simply how you look, it's about how you own your space, your posture, your walk, your demeanour, all the parts that when put together say unambiguously "I am a woman!"
Go easy on yourself. This isn't an easy process. Congratulations on wanting to give girl mode a go in the first place. All the best for the next time! :)
Quote from: Debussy on May 09, 2014, 12:15:19 AM
so you think that when I get more comfortable with my own image in the mirror, that my anxiety around others will reduce?
It will all come together. You will get better at "acting" F, your body will look more F, and your confidence as an F will increase correspondingly. But as others mentioned it takes a lot of time and effort and you have to be careful to pick where you try things out.
Discretion is the better part of valor.
Hi there. I definitely feel your disappointment, and I can only echo what others have said.
The first time I went out was 6 months ago, pre everything and just for a walk at night for 20 minutes or so. It felt like my heart would explode.
Next a dinner in a private room...next time adding coffee somewhere after that as a next step...first trip out in daylight...
You take baby steps and make mistakes and regroup and rethink and get better at it and your confidence slowly grows. You watch how women stand and how they take things in their hand and like a young girl you copy those around you and slowly you get socialised as a female through approbation and disapproval, and you slowly become more natural.
It's a slow and at times painful process but you get more confident and then the women kind of pours forth :)
I'm still taking two steps forward and one step back. Don't beat yourself up about it (and I know so much that you want to because I do the same), but if you take baby steps then it will get slowly easier :)
I think it's because when you dress more casually even if it's girls clothes you just feel safer. It's a safety net, if someone clocks you it's ok because you weren't trying 100%.
Just wear what you are comfortable wearing and go a bit further each time if thats what you want to wear, if you feel out of place you will look out of place, I've clocked my fellow trans sisters just because they are wearing clothes no cis girl would ever wear. I remember being at a hospital and everyones sick or sad and wearing casuals and in walks a girl looking like she's going to the horse races. That's not entirely her fault though as we are often under pressure to dress that way.
I think the first time I went all out was at comic con and after I'd walked past 5000 people to the back of the line in my heels and hotpants I was cured (cosplaying, which is fun)
Agree with what others have sad and take short trips until you feel comfortable. You feeling comfortable is the most important thing. What you see in the mirror is a personal thing, some always see the past, some see the now and some see the future.
Reading over all this thread is really helpful. In the last month I've devalued myself horribly. I lost all confidence. I can never imagine even trying to go out female at all. Reading the responses here has been uplifting. It gives me hope that in everything in life, hope is always present. I just have to realize I have alot of physical and mental work to do! A song I constantly listen to gives a good mindset in this i think. Icona POP - I love it... I'm trying to get the attitude of the line: I don't care I love it!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk%2Fi%2Fkeep-calm-you-can-do-it-18.png&hash=55c14638042ddaedd3a33fa0a21358c443e37373)
Thank you everyone for your responses- it definitely motivated me!!
I put on that same outfit today that I took off 2 days ago and went down to the grocery store and walked around town a little bit. I think the trick was that I didn't check the mirror that last time before I left- I just ran out the door.
I spent 2 hours out and about- I was so surprised that people didn't stare at me!
And what surprised me more, is that I used the womens restroom for the first time- TWICE! (although, I just ran in and ran out, didn't even wash my hands :( ew) When I got out my heart was RACING!
Also, this creepy guy who seemed really drunk said "You have really pretty hair."
I didn't even turn to look at him, I just said thank you and tried to pretend to be shopping.. Then he asked me "do you accept compliments on your hair?" I said "sometimes" and walked to the next isle over...
Anyways, just wanted to share my new experiences today that I couldn't have done with out you all!
Feeling good today :)
Awesome news! Congrats :)
Hi, Debussy! (I'm actually a Chopin fan myself, but who would quarrel with "Golliwog's Cakewalk", right?)
I've been keeping an eye on this forum for some time, though I hadn't signed up because I'm not really into forums much. But your post here interested me greatly, and I thought perhaps my own experience might be of interest to you. If not, if you feel I have nothing relevant to say to you, then feel free to ignore my post and kindly accept my apologies in advance.
Here's my situation: I've been out full-time for a year and a half. It was the day that Obama was re-elected that I shuffled off my dreaded masculine coil for good, and I've never looked back.
I've often said that I have to be the luckiest transperson in the history of ->-bleeped-<-. I live in a very small town in Ireland, and I've never had the least bit of hassle. With the exception of some of the schoolboys, but you have to expect that, and I simply have to try to avoid them.
But there' s not an adult in this town who's ever given me the least problem. They've always been perfectly accepting of me—so much so that sometimes I feel a bit guilty looking at how hard so many of my brothers and sisters are struggling while I'm pretty much sailing through life now. Sometimes I almost want to say to people, "Did you not get the memo? Do you not know how awful you're supposed to be to me? Would you please start treating me as badly as everybody else gets treated?"
I don't know what it is about this town. I wish I did. I'd bottle it and distribute it world-wide.
In a way I think I could be a very useful person to the international trans community. I see myself as something of a laboratory rat, the subject of a grand experiment. I'm demonstrating what life could be for transpeople if our enemies would just back off and leave us in peace. We could be very happy if they'd simply allow us to be.
But to get to the point: you were talking about your face in the mirror. One reason that things are easier on me is that make-up does wonders for me. Without it, my face is much like anybody else's. A bit of paint and it's a total transformation. So obviously I never go anywhere without make-up. It makes life a lot easier for me.
But you see, that didn't change the way I saw my face in the mirror without make-up. I still saw what I had always seen throughout my life. You get so used to seeing something, to interpreting what you're seeing, that it's hard to see it any other way.
My son still saw my old face. He, too, was so used to seeing it one way, he still saw it that way no matter how much make-up I had on.
Yet consider this: one day, in a café, I ran into a woman that I knew. We'd done a two-year computer course together and had become good friends, and so she knew me well. But she walked right by me without recognizing me. I hesitated over whether to go over and introduce myself. It's risky coming out to somebody in public because you don't know how they'll react.
But I finally decided to do it. I went over and sat down opposite her and said, "Hi! How are things these days?" It was quite clear from her reaction that she hadn't a clue who I was. So I was teasing her a bit: "You don't recognize me, do you?"
And when she admitted she didn't, I told her who I was. She was thunderstruck. Then she started studying me very closely, and all of a sudden there was a light in her eyes. "Yeah!"
You see, when people know what to look for and when they know to look for it, then they can see it—which is why my friend could see it, my son could see it, I could see it. But when they don't know to look for it, then they don't see it.
But here's another thing I wanted to tell you: I think the day may come when you no longer see it yourself. You see, over the last few weeks, I've begun to get a bit confused. I look in the mirror now and I'm not quite sure what I'm seeing. It's still the same old face. The only thing obviously feminine about it is my plucked eyebrows. That's all that's changed. And yet I look at it now and I kind of glimpse the possibility that it might be a feminine face.
I'm especially confused when I put my wig on, even without make-up. (My own hair is a disaster. As much as I'd like to let it grow, that's simply out of the question.) I look, and I'm not at all sure what I'm seeing. I've been asking myself, "Is it possible I could get out and get by without any make-up?" It would make life easier. Then I tell myself, "Watch yourself now, girl! Maybe getting a bit cocky, are we? You could be running into disaster."
So what's changed? This is what I can say from my experience, and I think a lot of people might agree with me on this. Once you get out full-time, everything changes. Your feelings, your perceptions undergo a total revolution. You're being yourself. You're not changing, you're allowing yourself to be yourself and that changes your world for you.
You know the saying, "Grab 'em by the ****, and their hearts and minds will follow." In this instance it's more a case of, "Grab yourself by the heart and mind, and your eyes and mirror and lots of other things will follow."
When you're out, when you're living as you should be living, your feelings evolve. When you live for so long in the male world, you develop a male image of yourself. Let that male life go, and all sorts of things become different. When I'm out in the world now, not consciously thinking about myself, I'm not entirely sure what I feel, but it certainly isn't masculine. Which is why what I see in the mirror these days isn't entirely masculine.
Now you sound to me like you're suffering an extreme crisis of confidence. If so, this I understand well. In the months leading up to my coming-out, I was terrified. I was telling myself, "You're crazy if you think people will let you get away with this!" But I was desperate. I was about to burst. I finally had no choice. So I did it.
But perhaps you shouldn't try to do too much too soon. You could possibly get yourself in trouble if you did that. Take it slowly. Take it at your own pace. Dip your toe in the water until you feel comfortable with it.
It was easy for me. I dipped my toe in the water twice and I said, "The water's fine!" So I splashed right in and I've never looked back. But some people don't have some of my advantages (e.g., I'm 5'3"), and it's harder for them. So just dip your toe for a while. Then maybe you can get in up to your knees, your waist, etc. Don't worry about it. Don't feel guilty about it. Do it as your own personal needs require.
You might note that I have yet to do laser/electrolysis or HRT, and as for SRS, I wonder if I'll ever get to that. Whatever you do about your body, being out in the world, living as yourself, will work profound changes in your heart. You'll no longer recognize yourself within or in your mirror. And, Debussy, it is a beautiful feeling. It will make you want to weep with joy.
Debussy, this is how I look at things: we all talk about being on a journey, and some people have set goals and a destination in sight. For me, the journey itself is the destination. No matter how far you've gone on your road, just being on the road is what makes all the difference. Because once you're on the road, you're being yourself. Because of my age, I may well not go as far as a lot of people, but just getting up the courage to get out on the road has given me peace.
Don't panic. Don't worry. Do things when you feel the time is right. Do things when you're comfortable with them. The tiniest step you take is a huge one, and it will make you love yourself.
Best wishes, my sister,
Foxglove
Hey foxglove! I guess I'm the girl with the flaxen hair :)
Thank you for the well thought out, first-post of yours!
It's very good to hear your experience- I haven't really gotten into any bad public situations yet except for someone calling me a ->-bleeped-<-got. I usually get stares, but I didn't get any the last time I went out. I think I'm just afraid of what might happen, as I haven't had very much experience with this.
People aren't recognizing me who just saw me 5 months ago, and when I used the male restroom last month people who look very shocked and close the door on me, only to reopen the door when they relooked at the sign on the door. I honestly don't know why I'm so afraid, because I'm pretty sure I pass when people don't take the time to examine me and find my facial hair.
Actually I do know why I'm afraid- it's because I have a HORRIBLE self image- maybe I got that from my mom who has been bolemic her entire life.
I'm moving next month, to a whole new state and I will be around a whole new community of people I've never met before. I'm going to try my best to get as close to a female presentation as possible- so hopefully going full time won't be such a huge jump...
Grab yourself by the heart and mind, and your eyes and mirror will follow! love it!
thank you
Quote from: Debussy on May 12, 2014, 01:36:08 AM
I honestly don't know why I'm so afraid, because I'm pretty sure I pass when people don't take the time to examine me and find my facial hair.
Actually I do know why I'm afraid- it's because I have a HORRIBLE self image- maybe I got that from my mom who has been bolemic her entire life.
I think it would be a fairly rare transperson who doesn't have a horrible self-image. Being trans in a cisworld will do that to you. And it's for sure we all need to do some work on our self-image. But I don't really like to suggest that that's the sole cause of our fear. That's blaming the victim in a way.
It's very natural for us to feel fear. When you're out and about, you're just one little person in a very big world that is quite often hostile to you. I think you'd be a bit nuts not to feel some fear.
And it doesn't have just a whole lot to do with how well you pass. Some people pass quite well, some don't. Whatever, everybody feels a lot of fear at the beginning.
One of the first things I learned was from a T-girl who wasn't particularly passable. Not passable, I say, but she passed as well as anybody I've ever seen. She was a veteran of many wars, and she told me that the way to get by in this world is to walk through it with confidence, to walk through it as if you own it. She then proceeded to demonstrate. She gave me a lesson I've never forgotten.
One thing I've learned is the little mind game you have to play with yourself. "I'm quaking with fear, I'm not the least bit afraid." No matter how afraid you are, you pretend you're not and you walk through the world with confidence. That's got me through many a little crisis.
It's a question of experience. I still feel that fear often enough. It's just that I've got better at dealing with it.
Don't blame yourself for being afraid. It's perfectly normal, and like everybody else you'll learn to deal with it. Not saying you shouldn't work on your self-image. There isn't a soul on earth, trans or cis, who doesn't need to do that. Just saying that it's not your fault if you're afraid.
Omg foxglove your posts are very helpful, you shouldn't be staying away. I have so much fear, confidence, selfesteem, and now body image issues, that i think that I could never do anything let alone even to try and pass in front of just my friends that know( I got a lot of work any way...beard must die :( But even if you think you got it easy, help of any kind is usually wanted!
Quote from: JamesG on May 08, 2014, 10:07:47 PM
Probably your sense of self-preservation. Of your ego if nothing else. While we are our own worst critics. If you couldn't even pass your own mirror check, you probably would have broken down in public.
Extending yourself/ female identity into a place where you have to socially interact, and ever worse are required to on a regular basis like class or work is probably not a good idea. If it goes badly, then what?
Exactly. Are you on HRT? If you don't want to go there day in and day out, don't do it. Once you're going to dress as female in public, really, it's best to keep on doing it and not look back. Or not. Do you pass well? Because I hear people whisper. I can't really comment on not passing, nobody has ever said anything to my face. Though, I'm sure, I've been clocked before, though not so much anymore after 15 mnths of HRT.
Hi, Lost!
There are different situations. With your friends, you're not going to pass, as such, since they know who you are. If they accept you, they accept you, which is what you want.
The test comes with people who don't know you--but that test is far easier than you think. You have to remember: when you're walking down the street, nobody's going to be paying any attention to you. People aren't constantly looking around, "Is that one trans? Is that one trans?"
They've got their minds on their own business. Which is where confidence comes in. If you're walking along with confidence, nobody will pay any attention to you. It's when you call attention to yourself, by acting nervously, e.g., that you might give yourself away.
As my friend and mentor said, "Passing is 20% appearance and 80% confidence." And I think she was right about that.
One little incident I had: I was at a play one time. At the intermission I had to pee so I dashed back to the ladies, and I was the first one in. But by the time I came out of the stall, the place was packed, and I almost flew into a panic. But I just reminded myself, "Be cool! Be cool!"
And I was OK. Even in the ladies, nobody's looking around to see if they have any T-girls among them. So you just keep cool, go about your business like you own the place, and you'll be OK. That's what I did, and I lived to tell the tale.
I'm always playing this little mind game. Telling myself I'm not scared no matter how scared I am. That's how I've got by. And it does get easier with experience. I'm hardly the most experienced at this point. But I've learned from the veterans I've met.
A lot of beginners think they can't do it. But they can. If a little, pink-nosed bunny like me can do it, anybody can.
Great advice foxglove!
I remember transition as the time when you are living the last of your double life, and it is hard being stuck between something you've never fully been and a lifetime of experience that you are transitioning from. There are no rule books or magic pills to get us through it, so we have to believe in ourselves and keep our eyes on the goal.
I feel that you will never be able to pass consistently if you doubt yourself as a woman. It can be called confidence, but really it is self acceptance at the most basic level, and accepting your womanhood + your appearance will open the door for confidently passing as YOU, instead of as your fantasy self. When you are you, everyone will only see you, even if they know where you came from.
Who could expect more without being reincarnated in the right gender and body?
Quote from: Ducks on May 12, 2014, 01:27:05 PM
I remember transition as the time when you are living the last of your double life, and it is hard being stuck between something you've never fully been and a lifetime of experience that you are transitioning from. There are no rule books or magic pills to get us through it, so we have to believe in ourselves and keep our eyes on the goal. . .
Hi, Ducks! I'd agree with everything you've said here. I think it's important for each individual to try to assess her own situation, especially when she's new. Different situations, places, etc., can be very different. E.g., a drink in the pub might be relatively easy, shopping might be harder, and some kind of outing where you can anticipate a number of face-to-face encounters can be even harder.
It's important to know where you are and what you're ready for. Take things at your own pace. If you try to do too much and run into trouble, it won't help your confidence. It can be a real setback.
As I said, things are relatively easy for me, and I'm fairly experienced now. Even so, there are times and places I try to avoid. E.g., if it's a time when there's likely to be some young lads out and about with some drink in them, then I avoid that situation.
You do need to be smart. But it can be done. I remember the days when I thought it would be impossible. But it's not. Sometimes it's the little things that show you how far you've come. Just the other day, e.g., my doorbell rang and I knew it would be the man from the supermarket delivering my groceries. Without even thinking about what I was doing, I went down to open the door, still wearing the dress I'd worn into town that morning.
It was only later I realized what I'd done. Such a simple thing. No big deal for me, no big deal for him. He's seen me often enough. And yet two years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed that such a small thing could even be a possibility. You will amaze yourself.
By all means, stay safe! That said, I found it hard to avoid uncomfortable situations during RLE, especially when I was concerned about what other people will think. If I did things for my own benefit, I could see success whenever I got what I wanted from the experience, regardless of how others may have perceived me. I try to learn from what I'm directly told, but totally ignore anything that my mind comes up with to explain someone's reaction or manner. Eventually I learned that usually I was dead wrong about someone's motivations anyway, so no need making up stories in my head to make myself feel worse!
At first I was scared, more before I came out to my family than after, and for RLE, I cut all ties, moved hundreds of miles away, and started a whole new existence with no ties to my old name, family or life. RLE was awesome, even when there was only time to think 'swim', after all, the alternative was 'sink'.
Quote from: Ducks on May 12, 2014, 02:56:04 PM
I try to learn from what I'm directly told, but totally ignore anything that my mind comes up with to explain someone's reaction or manner. Eventually I learned that usually I was dead wrong about someone's motivations anyway, so no need making up stories in my head to make myself feel worse!
This I can understand, too. So many times I've wished I could read somebody's mind to know what they were thinking. But you can't do it. I had a little encounter a few days ago, and I came away from it really wishing I could know what was going on in the guy's mind. But there's no point wasting brain cells on it.
Lots of times you'll misinterpret little things. One time I was on the train and was going down the aisle towards the loo, when a man looked up at me. Immediately my heart started pounding. "Why is he looking at me?" Then I realized he was only glancing up at me the way he would have glanced at anybody going down the aisle. So I relaxed.
You can drive yourself crazy if you try to read too much into people's actions/reactions.
Quote from: Foxglove on May 12, 2014, 10:57:16 AM
Hi, Lost!
There are different situations. With your friends, you're not going to pass, as such, since they know who you are. If they accept you, they accept you, which is what you want.
The test comes with people who don't know you--but that test is far easier than you think. You have to remember: when you're walking down the street, nobody's going to be paying any attention to you. People aren't constantly looking around, "Is that one trans? Is that one trans?"
They've got their minds on their own business. Which is where confidence comes in. If you're walking along with confidence, nobody will pay any attention to you. It's when you call attention to yourself, by acting nervously, e.g., that you might give yourself away.
As my friend and mentor said, "Passing is 20% appearance and 80% confidence." And I think she was right about that.
One little incident I had: I was at a play one time. At the intermission I had to pee so I dashed back to the ladies, and I was the first one in. But by the time I came out of the stall, the place was packed, and I almost flew into a panic. But I just reminded myself, "Be cool! Be cool!"
And I was OK. Even in the ladies, nobody's looking around to see if they have any T-girls among them. So you just keep cool, go about your business like you own the place, and you'll be OK. That's what I did, and I lived to tell the tale.
I'm always playing this little mind game. Telling myself I'm not scared no matter how scared I am. That's how I've got by. And it does get easier with experience. I'm hardly the most experienced at this point. But I've learned from the veterans I've met.
A lot of beginners think they can't do it. But they can. If a little, pink-nosed bunny like me can do it, anybody can.
This is the absolutely the best advice I've read for any new person to transition, RLE, or just going full time. Thanks Foxglove, you saved me a lot of typing, lol!!!
Best wishes :icon_bunch:
Ally :icon_flower:
Thanks foxglove, I got a lot of work ahead of me in the future. I'll definetly keep all that in mind. Think that I think will be the biggest fear is if I do it at work, where everyone knows me... I'm a nice helpful character to everyone. I just have to focus on getting the confidence first and that makes sense. I've never cared what people thought of me in the past, but that fear of job loss hurts that future too. Oh well I got a 100% to work on. :) I want to also try and use that mentality on other things in my life! Thanks again!
Quote from: Allyda on May 13, 2014, 11:12:15 AM
This is the absolutely the best advice I've read for any new person to transition, RLE, or just going full time. Thanks Foxglove, you saved me a lot of typing, lol!!!
Best wishes :icon_bunch:
Ally :icon_flower:
Thanks! This is the advice that those in the know gave me when I was a beginner. I put it into practice and it's always stood me in good stead. Hopefully, it will help others.
Quote from: Lost in L on May 13, 2014, 11:34:46 AM
Thanks foxglove, I got a lot of work ahead of me in the future. I'll definetly keep all that in mind. Think that I think will be the biggest fear is if I do it at work, where everyone knows me...
Transitioning at work is a totally different question. You won't "pass" there since all of your colleagues already know you. The question there is what kind of boss you have, supportive or the contrary. It would depend on other things as well, such as your legal status wherever you are. This is a question that you need to look into carefully before you go ahead. People do lose their jobs, and that's obviously hugely unfair. But if you need to transition, then you may not have an option. I certainly hope you'll be OK at your job.
It would be awhile off before I do anything... Hopefully.. unless things get real bad. But I've pretty much felt I would get auto fired if it even slipped out alittle. Kinda made everything crumble apart and and put me in an even worse place.
This happened to me when I started transitioning too. I would look at my body and only be able to see a man without seeing any feminine qualities about me. As I came out to more people whom were supportive, they would give me nice compliments like "you have a nice neck" or "i love your hair" and I would focus on those positive aspects that people complimented me on and the image in my head of looking at an ugly male started to shift to seeing more of a girl in the mirror. Hormones and laser hair removal have also been a huge help too.