Sorry for this stupid thread, but I'm in a bit of a bad place. To be honest, I'm not doing all that well and my depression seems to be getting the best of me. I spoke to my therapist about where I am and disclosed the level of depression/social phobia/suicidal thoughts and she told me that meds are the only way for me to go. I hate the idea of going on meds. I don't want to be a zombie. Plus I've tried it in the past and all I got was a dependency on a med that does nothing other than give me withdrawls when I stop. But she told me this is the only way since I can't push through my social phobia and allow myself to make the changes I need to be happy. So I guess I need to be drugged up for the short term in order to allow them to happen. I don't know. She gave me a number to see a physchiatrist and I guess I have to do it because she is going to check up on me.
Sorry for this weird ranting, but did anyone else get medicinal help during their transition? Did it do anything for you? Good or bad? Did it make everything more bearable? And did it anyway help make your transition easier? I'm very lost at the moment and feel scared and pressured all at once. Anything that could help or simply just sharing your experience with these sort of meds would be very appreciated. Thank you.
Went to see my psychiatrist after waiting 3 months for the appointment to hopefully get started on transitioning. That didn't work out so well as she hadn't studied up on kaiser's policies on transitioning. However I was put on anti-depressants so...
Quote from: Colleen♡Callie on May 10, 2014, 12:40:12 PM
Went to see my psychiatrist after waiting 3 months for the appointment to hopefully get started on transitioning. That didn't work out so well as she hadn't studied up on kaiser's policies on transitioning. However I was put on anti-depressants so...
If you don't mind me asking, which medication? And has it been helping you cope? I'm in a bad place where I feel like I have no future and really want to quit life, so I'm really considering my options. I'm transitioning and all, but I have severe social phobia and other issues making it hard for me to get passed my internal drama. Thanks.
I'm on quetiapine and alprazolam. It has nothing to do with anything that is related to my transition. A couple of years ago, I was suffering from these really insane panic attacks and all kinds of (what turned out to be) phantom pains. It was really screwed up. After a TON of visits to doctors and tons of tests (where they never found anything wrong ever). I was referred to a neurologist and she suggested the quetiapine. I was already taking the alprazolam. I was hesitant at first, but I thought: "screw it. I've got nothing to lose anymore", since I was very close to killing myself because my life had fallen apart due to this crazy medical crap. So, I gave it a shot and the combo of those two medications helped me get my life back on track and there hasn't been any adverse effects, so it's cool.
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on May 10, 2014, 01:00:07 PM
I'm on quetiapine and alprazolam. It has nothing to do with anything that is related to my transition. A couple of years ago, I was suffering from these really insane panic attacks and all kinds of (what turned out to be) phantom pains. It was really screwed up. After a TON of visits to doctors and tons of tests (where they never found anything wrong ever). I was referred to a neurologist and she suggested the quetiapine. I was already taking the alprazolam. I was hesitant at first, but I thought: "screw it. I've got nothing to lose anymore", since I was very close to killing myself because my life had fallen apart due to this crazy medical crap. So, I gave it a shot and the combo of those two medications helped me get my life back on track and there hasn't been any adverse effects, so it's cool.
Yeah, I used to take xanax in the past when I was having panic attacks. It helped a lot.
Right now, I'm looking for any sort of relief for my depression and social phobia. It's not exactly transition related, more than "I'm feeling miserable and don't want to feel like this anymore". My therapist just thinks a lot of that misery and bad feelings stem from lifestyle choices that need to be changed. And because I'm paralyzed by social phobia and just really bad depression, I can't make many of those changes that I need.. She thinks I'm going to need medicine to get passed these things and my past damage. I don't know.
Yep on every flavor available.
Stopped then when I went full time and lived for myself over others.
Izzy
Quote from: mind is quiet now on May 10, 2014, 01:44:36 PM
Yep on every flavor available.
Stopped then when I went full time and lived for myself over others.
Izzy
Did it actually do any good at the time?
Quote from: learningtolive on May 10, 2014, 01:46:53 PM
Did it actually do any good at the time?
Made life numb. Who wishes to live life in a numb feeling just to make everyone happy is the question.
Changed my name, went full time and never looked back.
No longer numb.
Isabell
Quote from: mind is quiet now on May 10, 2014, 02:09:06 PM
Made life numb. Who wishes to live life in a numb feeling just to make everyone happy is the question.
Changed my name, went full time and never looked back.
No longer numb.
Isabell
I agree with that. It's just that I'm miserable, depressed and feeling like ending it. My therapist doesn't really know what else to suggest other than lifestyle changes that I'm having a difficult time making. She thinks this will help numb me to make the changes that I need. I really don't know what else to do or whether this is the right thing. I'm seriously losing and no longer know what to do. I've done some things, but the next things feel impossible. I guess I should just go to the physch and see what he gives me.
I do not. Hrt seemed to clear up my depression, pretty much completely. I might actually benefit from anti-anxiety pills idk, but i know mine isn't as crippling as it is for many peeps here, so I do feel fortunate.
You do seem to have a lot of anxieties L2L. Idk it might be worth looking into. If anxiety is impeding your transition, and you took that roadblock down, maybe that in itself would help u with your depression?
Its hard for sure. Life as society sees it is also hard. Transition adds a few hurtles but it is still the same.
Life happiness.
You can stay on one side with everyone who wants you to not change. Stay on drugs, be unhappy and feel depressed so they can be happy.
Or you can live today and tomorrow as the person you are. Everyone who love you will be glad YOU are happy and see a person blossom into a drug free happy female.
Easy to say poor me. Easy to just give up. Easy to give in.
How many of the ones that you are trying to please will reach out and give that same respect back?
What do you want in life? Where do you want to be tomorrow?
Wish you the best
Hugs
Isabell
Quote from: Jen on May 10, 2014, 02:26:09 PM
I do not. Hrt seemed to clear up my depression, pretty much completely. I might actually benefit from anti-anxiety pills idk, but i know mine isn't as crippling as it is for many peeps here, so I do feel fortunate.
You do seem to have a lot of anxieties L2L. Idk it might be worth looking into. If anxiety is impeding your transition, and you took that roadblock down, maybe that in itself would help u with your depression?
Yeah, I feel like much of my depression is situational, but the anxiety is just how I was formed to be around people. I don't talk about things often for privacy reasons and because I love my family with everything I have, but I didn't have the easiest childhood and it's impacted how I am around other people. I'm finally trying to take the steps to heal and get past this stuf, yet it doesn't seem to work. I think medication may help and I appreciate my therapist for trying to think of something, but sometimes I feel I'm so damaged that there isn't an option to repair. And to be fair, I'm struggling getting over something that I just quit doing that was a unhealthy coping technique that has left me feeling even more depressed. Just a temp thing that i need to overcome. But honestly, sometimes I really don't know if I am going to make it and that scares me, but I guess that's what meds are for and I'll find some way past it. I just feel I keep telling myself that and it's doing nothing for me.
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on May 10, 2014, 02:29:02 PM
Ltl, have You tried some crazy mind-numbing workouts? I know You dont want to gain muscle mass, but maybe some extreme cardio? To dull things down to the point when they dont bother You anymore? I am looking into this option at the moment.
I hear a lot about exercising being a tool to overcome depression. I do a lot of walking on a treadmill, but nothing like extreme cardio. Maybe I should look into it. Anything to feel somewhat better.
Quote from: mind is quiet now on May 10, 2014, 02:37:25 PM
Its hard for sure. Life as society sees it is also hard. Transition adds a few hurtles but it is still the same.
Life happiness.
You can stay on one side with everyone who wants you to not change. Stay on drugs, be unhappy and feel depressed so they can be happy.
Or you can live today and tomorrow as the person you are. Everyone who love you will be glad YOU are happy and see a person blossom into a drug free happy female.
Easy to say poor me. Easy to just give up. Easy to give in.
How many of the ones that you are trying to please will reach out and give that same respect back?
What do you want in life? Where do you want to be tomorrow?
Wish you the best
Hugs
Isabell
It's really not about trying to please so many people. I mean sure that's part of it and I learned I had to do it, but really I'm just scared of everyone. Scared they will hurt me in some way emotionally and physically. If I didn't have so much social phobia and fear of other people, it would be so much easier for me to make the changes. It's just that I don't know how to get passed this in any way. I'm terrified of everything around me. And that scares me to make further changes. that's why my therapist is thinking I need to numb myself to get through this and then things will take it's course. I'm just so uncertain there is a change of course.
hey ltl,
i really wish i could help you but you know im walking through dark clouds, too. sometimes it helps if i go for a longer walk or do other activities. i have a dog and i have to take care for him and he give me much for that. it is proven that stroking a pet release happiness hormones and help with depression. it is their wonder weapon that you bring them food like a good girl have to. it is a responsible(and demanding) task for 10-20 years. maybe this is something for you to think about if you like dogs and cats.
greetings
Yes, Escitalopram (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escitalopram) - my doc put me on it in February last year when I had my meltdown. I was against the idea because of an experience with antidepressants when I was 19 that turned me into a zombie. But Escitalopram did help, and didn't turn me into a zombie, it certainly acted as a circuit breaker and got me feeling better. Mind you, my issues were a bit different than what you have described you're going through. Side effects included decreased sexual interest and libido, which was awesome for me! Also, I'm pretty sure it helped me lose weight. Didn't get any of the other common side effects.
Quote from: Ishtar on May 10, 2014, 02:58:35 PM
hey ltl,
i really wish i could help you but you know im walking through dark clouds, too. sometimes it helps if i go for a longer walk or do other activities. i have a dog and i have to take care for him and he give me much for that. it is proven that stroking a pet release happiness hormones and help with depression. it is their wonder weapon that you bring them food like a good girl have to. it is a responsible(and demanding) task for 10-20 years. maybe this is something for you to think about if you like dogs and cats.
greetings
It's funny you mention that because I got a new puppy about a week ago. While I love taking care of something and feeling useful to another life, it can get tiring. He's been quite sick and we've been nursing him to health. Still I'd rather have a dog than not and it's sort of helping. Thanks for the suggestion.
Quote from: Ms Grace on May 10, 2014, 04:08:46 PM
Yes, Escitalopram (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escitalopram) - my doc put me on it in February last year when I had my meltdown. I was against the idea because of an experience with antidepressants when I was 19 that turned me into a zombie. But Escitalopram did help, and didn't turn me into a zombie, it certainly acted as a circuit breaker and got me feeling better. Mind you, my issues were a bit different than what you have described you're going through. Side effects included decreased sexual interest and libido, which was awesome for me! Also, I'm pretty sure it helped me lose weight. Didn't get any of the other common side effects.
I actually took lexapro a few years ago. It wasn't therapeutic to me, so I got off it; however, I know many other people it worked for. I think it's time for me to stop shying away from meds and get the hep I need. Otherwise, I'm just going to crush under all the depression and anxiety. While I'm afraid to get off the cymbalta and switch to something else, it's literally doing nothing for me. I've got to get something that will get me to push through my feelings and make the lifestyle changes that I need to make. Hopefully, I'll get there. Thanks.
Unfortunately we tend to view mental health issues as just needing "right attitude" or "fortitude of mind" to push through it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. Just like physical health, where pushing through an illness like a cold can end up in pneumonia, sometimes we do need medical help and intervention to get us feeling better. The trick is getting the right treatment.
Yes I was on antidepressants for 5 months,,,they helped a bit
Quote from: Ms Grace on May 10, 2014, 07:03:36 PM
Unfortunately we tend to view mental health issues as just needing "right attitude" or "fortitude of mind" to push through it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. Just like physical health, where pushing through an illness like a cold can end up in pneumonia, sometimes we do need medical help and intervention to get us feeling better. The trick is getting the right treatment.
I guess you're right. To be honest, my first foray into medical help was through a GP. They don't really have the proper training to help someone like me that probably requires a psychiatrist. I'll do what my therapist ordered and speak with their recommended doctor. What's the worst that could happen?
Quote from: FalseHybridPrincess on May 10, 2014, 07:12:28 PM
Yes I was on antidepressants for 5 months,,,they helped a bit
Thanks for sharing. It's nice to know they helped some people and can work. MY experience so far with them has been lackluster, but I haven't tried close to everything, so no point in giving up. I guess I just have to give in.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 10, 2014, 12:49:50 PM
If you don't mind me asking, which medication? And has it been helping you cope? I'm in a bad place where I feel like I have no future and really want to quit life, so I'm really considering my options. I'm transitioning and all, but I have severe social phobia and other issues making it hard for me to get passed my internal drama. Thanks.
I refused anti-depressants at first, she got me on a loophole. My ADD meds alone haven't really been enough to overcome the executive dysfunction, so when I brought that up at the end of the session, she prescribed Wellbutrin which is an anti-depressant that is also used at times to treat ADD. So yeah.
It takes about 2 weeks to take effect though, and I've only been taking for 1 week so far.
I always had Anxiety but it became Acute Anxiety when I started to transition which made everything Extremely difficult and has taken me a long time to beat. Went on xanax daily, then quit that and went on anti depressants Escitalopram 5mg which did Help me get my independence back, I stopped worrying if those schoolgirls 5 aisles away in the supermarket were laughing at me or not. If those guys smoking near the front door would stab me on the way out. They really helped me to learn no one really cares as much as I think they did. I was on them for a good few years and they did help but they do have side effects.
I had some weight gain, fatigue, couldnt code programs anymore. My eyes were focusing slower which made driving harder. I have to drive 5-6 hours to get to gender services and was unable to do it alone due to fatigue. So I went off them (the withdrawels are not too bad, especially after kicking xanax) and now I just take Xanax now if I get an acute anxiety attack. (Xanax is near impossible to get a perscription for in Australia now, doctors are no longer allowed to perscribe)
My doc insists that they should not have caused weight gain or fatigue, I have far more energy and less appetite since going off them though.
tl;dr Yes they probably will help but you will have side effects.
Actually, today I woke up feeling okay and sort of up beat. Like I said, I was adding a depressant into the mix for the past few weeks to cope with life and stopping it may have made things harder to cope with. I'm doing okay as of today, so that's nice. All in all, I'm not really sure I want to take these sort of medications. Maybe the occassional xanax or klonopine but I'm not a fan of taking SSRIs if it can be avoided. I'm going to avoid calling the pyschiatrist for now and will speak to my therapist about my situation again. Maybe just going on anxiety drugs will be enough as I'm not feeling like jumping off a bridge today, lol.
Quote from: Colleen♡Callie on May 10, 2014, 07:45:01 PM
I refused anti-depressants at first, she got me on a loophole. My ADD meds alone haven't really been enough to overcome the executive dysfunction, so when I brought that up at the end of the session, she prescribed Wellbutrin which is an anti-depressant that is also used at times to treat ADD. So yeah.
It takes about 2 weeks to take effect though, and I've only been taking for 1 week so far.
I considered taking wellbutrin in the past. In a way, it sounds like it would be great for my depression, but on the otherhand it can cause anxiety issues. Not good for someone like me.
Yeah, they can take a few weeks before you really notice any substantial relief. I hope it'll work out for you.
Quote from: Serenation on May 10, 2014, 08:16:06 PM
I always had Anxiety but it became Acute Anxiety when I started to transition which made everything Extremely difficult and has taken me a long time to beat. Went on xanax daily, then quit that and went on anti depressants Escitalopram 5mg which did Help me get my independence back, I stopped worrying if those schoolgirls 5 aisles away in the supermarket were laughing at me or not. If those guys smoking near the front door would stab me on the way out. They really helped me to learn no one really cares as much as I think they did. I was on them for a good few years and they did help but they do have side effects.
I had some weight gain, fatigue, couldnt code programs anymore. My eyes were focusing slower which made driving harder. I have to drive 5-6 hours to get to gender services and was unable to do it alone due to fatigue. So I went off them (the withdrawels are not too bad, especially after kicking xanax) and now I just take Xanax now if I get an acute anxiety attack. (Xanax is near impossible to get a perscription for in Australia now, doctors are no longer allowed to perscribe)
My doc insists that they should not have caused weight gain or fatigue, I have far more energy and less appetite since going off them though.
tl;dr Yes they probably will help but you will have side effects.
Yeah, those sort of side effects freak me out. And it seems a lot of doctors write off the real side effects that people experience from SSRIs. However, any sort of relief sounds good. It's bs that they are making it so hard to get xanax. While it can be abused, it is almost life saving to people with severe anxiety. Just prescribe it responsibly and give it to patient's that aren't seekers. Believe me, you can tell which ones are just by talking to them.
I took wellbutrin for a few years, including during the most significant parts of my transition, and it was really helpful. Like, maybe it saved my life, I dunno. It got me back to eating when I was so apathetic I was starving myself, and it got me ambitious enough that I felt like I could make the changes I needed in order to be a normal person. I am very prone to anxiety, and stopped taking wellbutrin when my old smoking habit was under control and the depression wasn't.
I currently take mirtazapine and occasionally alprazolam. I tend not to tell people in person about either one, because they judge. When I have to deal with other health problems, my medication is on my chart, and I'm frequently asked about things like suicide or homicide when in medical settings, but they let it go when I tell them my [primary diagnosis] is adequately treated and stable.
If you have real problems you can't solve, I would definitely advise medication. There were times in my life where I did everything in my power to be a better person, ate healthy food, exercised regularly, went in public and took what felt like social risks regularly enough to not be a hermit, worked on every skill I thought was important, really did everything I could, and either felt bad or had no feelings until taking drugs for the problem. Don't take meds if you don't need them, but if you do it's not necessarily a big deal and doesn't mean you have to take them forever.
Anti-depressants probably saved my life. I started taking citalopram a bit less than two years ago, and added Welbutrin a few months later. They did work for me, and got me to the point where I could do the work with a good therapist to put myself back together. I don't feel numbed out, and my life is better than it's been in years. Not sayin' it's easy -- I have financial worries, and this transition stuff isn't a walk in the park -- but I'm connected to the world again, and also to myself, to the person I'm supposed to be.
A side benefit of the Welbutrin, for me, is that I've lost a lot of weight without its being very difficult. I've added a change in diet and a decent exercise routine to the mix, and I think I can keep this up until I'm the size I'm supposed to be.
Anti-depressants aren't a cure-all, but they're a lot better than they used to be -- and so, by the way, is therapy, if you find a therapist who's trained in modern, evidence-based techniques. It's the combination that does the job; it's not easy, but it's a whole lot better than the alternative.
I took wellbutrin... it was pretty cool, I didn't even trick myself into thinking I wanted to get out of bed ever again, I was a happy zombie.
Funny that wellbutrin helped motivate peeps, it did the opposite for me, it was awesome, I spnt like 3 months just staring at the ceiling. I didn't even want to shop. I didn't even want to talk to people, or amything, just chill, 24/7
But it made my shaking worse. So I need something else instead.
I'm sorry you didn't have a better experience with it. It seems to be activating for most people, but it just goes to show that there's a lot of individual variation in how people respond to these drugs. It can take a while to find the right one, or the right combo, and when you add the fact that they mostly take a while to kick in, it can be a really discouraging process.
I don't think it helps that so many people these days seem to get their Rx from their primary care doc, who has neither the time, nor the training, nor the experience to figure out what might work best for each person.
I get my psych rx thru my endo funny enough, though i could ask my gp too. The thing is, I don't want to see a pdoc cuz I know I'll get way too attached. Already on that rollercoaster with therapy. And is it just me or are a lot of psychiatrists fatherly old men? lol
But yesh, definitely want to keep trying. blah. I probably need antipsychotics.
QuoteAnd is it just me or are a lot of psychiatrists fatherly old men? lol
Nah. Mine's a nice-looking woman, a few years younger than me. And as for getting too attached -- you don't see them that much. They're in the business of prescribing, these days, and they're pretty focused on that. I see mine about once every three months, now. I mean, I like her and all, but it's not remotely the same dynamic you get with a therapist.
I was on Zoloft which didn't make me numb. It made me feel better but the more I didn't face talking with my wife the more depressed I became and the higher my dose became. After every increase I would feel better then the depression would catchup from not facing things. I just can't face things. Medication does help if it leads you to facing things but if you don't depression comes back. I need to face things but it's so hard. I wish life would end everyday.
Quote from: Tysilio on May 13, 2014, 05:59:24 AM
Nah. Mine's a nice-looking woman, a few years younger than me. And as for getting too attached -- you don't see them that much. They're in the business of prescribing, these days, and they're pretty focused on that. I see mine about once every three months, now. I mean, I like her and all, but it's not remotely the same dynamic you get with a therapist.
Hah yeah, I only have experience with my mom, who saw her psych every week for a long time. Though i met her and she was really pretty and young, so you are right, it's not all fatherly old men.
Quote from: Melanie CT on May 13, 2014, 06:23:05 AM
I was on Zoloft which didn't make me numb. It made me feel better but the more I didn't face talking with my wife the more depressed I became and the higher my dose became. After every increase I would feel better then the depression would catchup from not facing things. I just can't face things. Medication does help if it leads you to facing things but if you don't depression comes back. I need to face things but it's so hard. I wish life would end everyday.
hugs :(
Thanks everyone for your suggestions. They are very appreciated. I'm probably doing the wrong thing, but I'm holding off on contacting the psychiatrist. Yes, that will disappoint my therapist and probably hurt me in the end, but I feel like I'm on the road to nowhere to begin with. I don't know. At the end of the day, I don't think there are any real answers for my problems or ways to get passed my issues. As much as I would love a magic pill, I'm doubtful it will work nor will reality change. I just don't think I'm ever going to get over things and one day have a magical life. I don't know.
I'll talk to my therapist at our next session and do something I guess. I'll see what she says and look up more on these pills. Thank you for the suggestions. It does make me feel better to know they have helped some people and that it worked really well for a few. I'm just hesitant to go through a pill popping experiement again, but I am getting desperate at this point. I just feel.... I don't know how to explain it. Just nervous and scared about it, though I really could use relief. I'll probably end up doing it. I just feel afraid of going through this again and giving up cymbalta even though it doesn't seem to help.
I hear a lot about wellbutrin, but I think it's the wrong drug for me. While it may help me with my depression and suicidal thoughts, it will likely only increase my anxiety. And god knows I need less of that given my severe social phobia and anxiety.
Quote from: Melanie CT on May 13, 2014, 06:23:05 AM
I was on Zoloft which didn't make me numb. It made me feel better but the more I didn't face talking with my wife the more depressed I became and the higher my dose became. After every increase I would feel better then the depression would catchup from not facing things. I just can't face things. Medication does help if it leads you to facing things but if you don't depression comes back. I need to face things but it's so hard. I wish life would end everyday.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Most of my life could be better if things in it would change (both past and present). But how do you do that? Especially when you already feel crippled. I don't know. I'm really sorry you feel this way, but I understand. My favorite moment everyday is when I take my sleep meds and go to bed. Sucks. But hey, we all got to hit rock bottom before it can get better, right? For me, I find faith in hope and sometimes that's enough to keep me around and going even when I don't want to. Try to believe in yourself even when you don't. It's hard, but it helps when you can mentally get there. In any case, please hang in there and I hope all goes well.
The right antidepressants will keep you off rock bottom so you can sort things out- but the wrong one... holy hell hole batman!
I am on a mild one at the moment- my doctor cycled me through several until we found a good match- however- years ago I was misdiagnosed with social anxiety disorder and given a nasty (now banned) one. The side effects where hellish.
I am sorry that I went on about myself. What I meant to say is that the meds do work if you get the right one. And not make you feel numb but just better. Then don't do what I'm doing and face coming out once you feel better from the meds. I should listen to myself. My therapist told me the meds help level you out in order to phase your challenge but I couldn't face it each time and wound up on a higher dose. Please don't do what I'm doing! I'm sorry if I went on about myself.
LTL sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. I can say from past experience with both myself and more than 20 years of nursing that if someone is at rock bottom they need a hand up. If therapy is not enough I am begging you to try the medications. See the psychiatrist and at least listen to the rationale for the medications. If you had an infection you would take an antibiotic. Depression is a medical illness that is centered in the mind. If you can find the right medication you can have amazing results. Give it a try and if you feel numb let the doctor know and have it changed. There are so many new options out there that you owe it to yourself to try. Huge hugs from me and I hope things work out.
Quote from: Melanie CT on May 14, 2014, 04:10:08 PM
I am sorry that I went on about myself. What I meant to say is that the meds do work if you get the right one. And not make you feel numb but just better. Then don't do what I'm doing and face coming out once you feel better from the meds. I should listen to myself. My therapist told me the meds help level you out in order to phase your challenge but I couldn't face it each time and wound up on a higher dose. Please don't do what I'm doing! I'm sorry if I went on about myself.
Melanine, don't worry. This is an interactive forum. You and anyone else is just as welcome to share your story here. And for what it's worth, I totally understand where you are coming from. I've come out to a lot of people and am transitioning (been on hrt for a few months) but the next step has been too hard. I'm just not mentally prepared to go fulltime, but dying on the inside to make the changes to my life that I need to make. So, I can relate. Don't beat yourself up. You can make it through just like anyone else can that puts there mind to it. It's just..... well, really hard and scary, especially when you have severe anxiety and depression on top of it. But hey, you and I can see this through at some point. A little faith helps us get through the bad times.
Quote from: Christinetobe on May 14, 2014, 05:06:07 PM
LTL sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. I can say from past experience with both myself and more than 20 years of nursing that if someone is at rock bottom they need a hand up. If therapy is not enough I am begging you to try the medications. See the psychiatrist and at least listen to the rationale for the medications. If you had an infection you would take an antibiotic. Depression is a medical illness that is centered in the mind. If you can find the right medication you can have amazing results. Give it a try and if you feel numb let the doctor know and have it changed. There are so many new options out there that you owe it to yourself to try. Huge hugs from me and I hope things work out.
It's good to hear that it can have amazing results. I'm really considering doing it, but still on the fence. My depression is having it's ups and downs but it's going down. I think I'm just emotionally readjusting to some things. I want to see how I continue to do in the next week or so. But if it doesn't improve despite my attempts to get it under control, I will call the psychiatrist and go through with it.
Quote from: Emmaline on May 14, 2014, 09:18:59 AM
The right antidepressants will keep you off rock bottom so you can sort things out- but the wrong one... holy hell hole batman!
I am on a mild one at the moment- my doctor cycled me through several until we found a good match- however- years ago I was misdiagnosed with social anxiety disorder and given a nasty (now banned) one. The side effects where hellish.
I'm sorry you went through that. I can relate though. In total, I took lexapro, paxil and then cymbalta (except for maybe the last, none did much to help me). Paxil was my hellish one. For whatever reason, it increased my anxiety in a bad way. That's why I'm so skepitical about these meds and cautious about going through the process again. Xanax was the only thing that helped, and I'm not interested in being dependent on a benzo. Don't need any potential addiction and dependency issues in my life.
I've been on and of meds for MDD and anxiety since I was 16. How many and which ones, I don't even remember now. I was on at least 10-15 different ones since last year. Currently, I'm not anything, but I'm not going to be surprised if that changes once I start my transition.
Hi thanks for your kind words. It really helps! I have my ups and downs and sometimes more downs but I'll get through this at some point like you said
Quote from: Melanie CT on May 14, 2014, 07:51:30 PM
Hi thanks for your kind words. It really helps! I have my ups and downs and sometimes more downs but I'll get through this at some point like you said
I'm glad you are feeling better. Remember, you are always welcome to share your thoughts on here. As you can see from my post count, lol, this site has been an invaluable support system for me. I may be stuck in a rut at times, but it helps me cope while I prepare to make more progress. So, please feel free to share both the good and bad.
Quote from: Daydreamer on May 14, 2014, 07:50:37 PM
I've been on and of meds for MDD and anxiety since I was 16. How many and which ones, I don't even remember now. I was on at least 10-15 different ones since last year. Currently, I'm not anything, but I'm not going to be surprised if that changes once I start my transition.
Thank you for sharing and I hope your transition will go smoothly enough that it won't require meds.
This thread has actually helped me feel less social stigma about my depression and anxiety. I often keep that stuff to myself, but it's nice to know that I'm not really alone in these feeling and comforting to see that other's have found a way to get better. That alone makes me feel a bit better and less isolated. Thanks everyone.
Before I got even a low dose of E, I was a complete disaster and borderline suicidal. The psych I was referred to could see me weeks before the endo so I got Lexapro and Klonopin, then Buspar to counteract some of the side effects of Lexapro, then Valium because I thought Klonopin was making me into too much of a zombie. Those things kept me going for sure until I got the E. After I got my full HRT dosage, I felt I no longer needed those other things, so I tapered off. First I halved my dose of Lexapro for 10 days, then halved it again for another week. The next week without it was a little hairy, but the sh*tstorm in my head subsided to where it was tolerable thereafter. I waited another week and did the same thing with the Buspar. I was no longer abnormally anxious or depressed, and the E was doing its thing all by itself.
I am not taking anything right now other than HRT and a multivitamin.
Quote from: Jill F on May 15, 2014, 12:44:05 AM
Before I got even a low dose of E, I was a complete disaster and borderline suicidal. The psych I was referred to could see me weeks before the endo so I got Lexapro and Klonopin, then Buspar to counteract some of the side effects of Lexapro, then Valium because I thought Klonopin was making me into too much of a zombie. Those things kept me going for sure until I got the E. After I got my full HRT dosage, I felt I no longer needed those other things, so I tapered off. First I halved my dose of Lexapro for 10 days, then halved it again for another week. The next week without it was a little hairy, but the sh*tstorm in my head subsided to where it was tolerable thereafter. I waited another week and did the same thing with the Buspar. I was no longer abnormally anxious or depressed, and the E was doing its thing all by itself.
I am not taking anything right now other than HRT and a multivitamin.
That's great to hear. It seems like hormones alone helps many of us get through depression and anxiety issues. And it's never a good feeling to be on too many meds. For me, hormones didn't really have mental effects, so I probably will require something else should I decide to go down this route. I wish hrt did a little more mentally (for anxiety and depression) than it did in the end.
Prior to HRT, I should probably have been medicated for depression, but due to some issues in than past, refused. For the most part, the issue was no relief from depression, just a bunch of side effects. Within a few weeks of starting hormones, I found my depression had faded away - which is why I 'joke' that hormones are the best anti-depressing I've ever used.
Ok I'm glad I saw this post. Learningtolive I share a lot of the same things you have said except the suicidal thoughts, I dealt with that when i was younger for other issues but I found out i love this world too much to leave. The good and the bad create a fantastically difficult story, idk what it is but I saw things in a new light. I also hate the concept of drugs A LOT but today here I am talking to my friends saying screw it time for drugs. Then I see this topic and it reaffirms I don't want to take that route I want to fight. Im so far away from the concept of transition right now. My friends that don't know are closing in on me but cant possible know what I'm going through and it hurts me not be able to tell them the full story. They all say take meds.
I've realized the biggest thing that would help in this, and its someone going through pretty much the exact same thing right next to you. My friends are awesome but cant begin to understand or try/do the things i would want to do.
A note on fitness too, its actually besides working the only thing I can do. 2 hours a day to lose wright it clears my mind. It is also full female mode I guess for me, I really like my pink workout shoes too! But when I have a bad day I force my self to work out(cardiovascular and abs) and for the most part it goes away but only during it and alittle afterwards. Can't workout 24/7 :(
Stay strong! Hope this helps cause all the other replies helped me right now. And gave info on if at some point it is too bad and meds are required.
Look at a rainstorm; after its departure everything grows!- Bruce lee
Quote from: Lost in L on May 16, 2014, 02:22:45 PM
Ok I'm glad I saw this post. Learningtolive I share a lot of the same things you have said except the suicidal thoughts, I dealt with that when i was younger for other issues but I found out i love this world too much to leave. The good and the bad create a fantastically difficult story, idk what it is but I saw things in a new light. I also hate the concept of drugs A LOT but today here I am talking to my friends saying screw it time for drugs. Then I see this topic and it reaffirms I don't want to take that route I want to fight. Im so far away from the concept of transition right now. My friends that don't know are closing in on me but cant possible know what I'm going through and it hurts me not be able to tell them the full story. They all say take meds.
I've realized the biggest thing that would help in this, and its someone going through pretty much the exact same thing right next to you. My friends are awesome but cant begin to understand or try/do the things i would want to do.
A note on fitness too, its actually besides working the only thing I can do. 2 hours a day to lose wright it clears my mind. It is also full female mode I guess for me, I really like my pink workout shoes too! But when I have a bad day I force my self to work out(cardiovascular and abs) and for the most part it goes away but only during it and alittle afterwards. Can't workout 24/7 :(
Stay strong! Hope this helps cause all the other replies helped me right now. And gave info on if at some point it is too bad and meds are required.
Look at a rainstorm; after its departure everything grows!- Bruce lee
Hey Lost in L,
I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch as well. And I can understand what you mean by feeing isolated among the people in your life. It's hard for people that aren't trans to understand what we are going through and what it feels like. However, having a support system always helps. Have you thought about telling some of your friends? Come out when you are ready, but the support some of my friends have shown me has been nothing but amazing. Also, this site was a great help and remains that way for me. In any event, I hope you start to feel better and get through this.
As for me, I'm a little better. I finally got a permanent job so that's really exciting news that I was in need of. Things may be a mess and hard as hell, but at least the challenge of life just lessened a bit and my transition has more potential to start progressing again.. I'm trying to focus on the good that I have and be hopeful rather than seeing everything in terms of doom and gloom; although, I do really feel that way most of the time. And I agree with how you feel about the drugs. I'm still mixed and not wanting to do it, but I have to see my therapist in a few minutes, so I will see what she says to me. Stil leaning towards no.
Quote from: kelly_aus on May 15, 2014, 04:21:44 PM
Prior to HRT, I should probably have been medicated for depression, but due to some issues in than past, refused. For the most part, the issue was no relief from depression, just a bunch of side effects. Within a few weeks of starting hormones, I found my depression had faded away - which is why I 'joke' that hormones are the best anti-depressing I've ever used.
Yeah, like I said before, I can't relate with that, but I think it's awesome that hormones did that for other people. Oddly enough, I feel even more dysphoric about my body with the hormones and my anxiety has been increasing lately. I guess it's all just the pressure of having to soon face my biggest fears by facing the world which I'm not ready for at this time. It's weird but going full time and finalizing my transition is something I desperately want and yet it scares the living hell out of me at the same time to deal with it.
I've been taking seroquel for over a year, for insomnia and depression/anxiety. It puts me to sleep but it also makes me a bit of a zombie during the day which I absolutely hate. I've been trying to get off of it but doctors are like "every drug that treats insomnia is also a sedative antidepressant!"
I was taking topamax for night terrors but I stopped that. and I was taking wellbutrin which helped me to form speech better, it improved my language ability, but I also stopped that.
I've tried maybe like 10 other antidepressants none of which lasted very long either because of nausea side effects or because of lack of affect. I would really love to be totally off these drugs, but unfortunately that hasn't been very practical.
Learningtolive, grats on the joband feeling better! Progress is progress. I have gotten a little better I've been on a constant diet of positive thinking literature and mental forcing of myself to not go to dark places. I have also gone to listening to a lot of inspiring music. So far its been better. But I have still moments of gender issues and now I have started to really hate my body though. I have a severe anxiety right now over doing anything out of my comfort zone( which is very small) I couldnt make a call to set up an appointment for hair removal. I freak out to much.
One thing I had really bad starting out was looking into the future and spinning tales of failure. I forced myself to just stop, and look at the now. It is still hard. I still don't know if I will ever have to take any meds but I have such a Passion not to that I'm hoping that can surpass the need for meds.i But idk we will see. I know that it is needed by others. My mom I know takes some. If you have to do it then do what you need to do.
when I grew up as a tiny boy lead to be a girl there are a lot of coping skills I didn't learn that boys (and girls) usually learn. How could I not be depressed and anxious?
Meds have really helped me. The first time I took an ssri I felt something for the first time in years. They flood your brain with seratonin and you feel a narrow range of kinda happy. That feeling has to be better than what you normally feel. If its not than you may feel numb.
Now I take celexa, Xanax, propranolol and adderall. They work. They make me feel much less emotion. But that lets me function in a way I couldn't before.
I will probably decrease the celexa in the next few years, but I will take phych meds for as long as they help.
Psych meds are loaded with opinions but you never know if they will help until you try.
When i went on them i was very nervous and wary. But in the end i can see It was good for me to put trust in my psychiatrist. It was good for me to have hope while I waited to find the right drug/dosage/combination, etc.
I felt so excited the first time I got on an elevator and waited for the fear to rise and it didn't. That was the drug s.
Now I get in an elevated and smile cause I know I will be okay.
I just want to say this: I have seen many instances of people saying they feel "numb" while on these types of meds. In my case, this never happened. The only time I have felt this "numbness" was when I was originally getting ready to come out as trans. I also want to point out that I am not mentioning this as a way to be a "cheerleader" for the use of these drugs. I am as skeptical as they come. I even fought against the idea of using any drugs of these types in the beginning. But once I found the right drugs (and it took no time to do that), I got my life back. I don't live in fear like I did for the previous year and a half as I did before. I don't go two and three days without sleep anymore. I can finally have consistent sleep patterns again. I am not in anyway "mentally numb". Things got back to normal.
I took some things in the past because I was depressed and them convinced a psych that I was bipolar, but once I admitted the truth to myself almost all of the tension went away. Now I don't take anything, and feel about as content and stable as I've ever been by far.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 10, 2014, 12:31:46 PMI don't want to be a zombie. Plus I've tried it in the past and all I got was a dependency on a med that does nothing other than give me withdrawls when I stop.
Try not to think of it as being a zombie. :P It's a common misconception that anti-psychotics will change someone's personality. That's usually because people act a certain way when they're experiencing difficulties with anxeity, functioning, etc., but upon successful treatment with medication they might act a little different because they're able to function and be happy for once.
I have to take an anti-histamine in the spring for allergies. I don't think taking a medication for depression or anxiety is any different. My nose is too sensitive and get stuffy when it shouldn't for whatever reason, and maybe your brain tells you to be too nervous when you shouldn't be for whatever reason.
Also there are many, many medications out there. One may be pretty bad for you and another might work great.
Quote from: teeg on May 30, 2014, 12:10:22 PM
Try not to think of it as being a zombie. :P It's a common misconception that anti-psychotics will change someone's personality. That's usually because people act a certain way when they're experiencing difficulties with anxeity, functioning, etc., but upon successful treatment with medication they might act a little different because they're able to function and be happy for once.
I have to take an anti-histamine in the spring for allergies. I don't think taking a medication for depression or anxiety is any different. My nose is too sensitive and get stuffy when it shouldn't for whatever reason, and maybe your brain tells you to be too nervous when you shouldn't be for whatever reason.
Also there are many, many medications out there. One may be pretty bad for you and another might work great.
It's true there are many meds, but I tried lexapro, paxil and cymbalta. It just kind of disillusioned me on the whole process. In all honesty, I probably should be on something though. I got a feeling that it's going to get pushed on me by my therapist soon enough.
It's really hard to predict which medications are going to help which people. It feels bad to be pressured about it by mental health professionals. I try to approach them either with a drug or class of drugs in mind, or if I think reading about it ahead of time is too unhealthy for me I go in with a symptom or two that I find most troubling and want to prioritize. I try to be optimistic and patient with any prescriptions, but some of them are just awful.
Whether you take drugs or not you probably need a focus or a good narrative if you are going to get anywhere. Having a new job and talking here are good things. When I have a hard time I have to pay attention to really small stuff, moment to moment to moment. Drugs work best for me when I'm trying to make sense of all the discrete details as they come along. Like when big existential fears and bills and where will I be next year and who do I talk to etc is looming, I have to notice right here and now how the trees look and what the traffic sounds like and what color my shirt is and so on and it makes a scaffold for believably deciding over and over that right now isn't that bad. Or if it is bad, it is a passing moment. Or an abstraction. Or whatever helps.
Quote from: Felix on May 31, 2014, 03:29:46 AM
It's really hard to predict which medications are going to help which people. It feels bad to be pressured about it by mental health professionals.
Well, in my case, it wasn't really "pressure". They were merely suggesting this. But, being the stubborn person that I am, I would just shoot them down right away. I had this attitude of "all anti depressants are bad and I am NOT touching that stuff." So, I was looking for other ways to deal with my problems (chronic panic attacks and phantom pains), by any other means possible. I tried every OTC med I could find to help me sleep and nothing was working. I reluctantly tried Trazadone twice. It sucked both times and only worked on one night out of the month I was on it. It was a broken up month, though, and not a consistent 4 weeks. But the side effects from that drug made me stop taking it. (manic spells, swelling of my feet that was so bad one night that I had to struggle to get my shoes and socks off). But once I found the right drug to replace that, I was fine.