During my brief SRS aftercare crisis, several f caring, well-meaning friends suggested calling off surgery, currently 5½ weeks way, and change surgeons. I know these words came from a place of love and concern, but I need to express my strong opinion that suggesting someone go with a different surgeon is not something to do lightly.
If you know a fact about the surgeon they've chosen, by all means, share it.
But before you tell a woman to consider choosing a different surgeon, please consider:
* You will sow seeds of doubt. Influencing people is astonishingly easy. She will hear your suggestion in the back of her mind from this point forward. When she's being wheeled in the operating room, when she's lying post-op in angry pain, when she has a complication or needs a revision, she will remember your words and second-guess herself.
* Her criteria may not be the same as yours. For example, I chose my surgeon on the basis of proximity. I didn't want anyone I couldn't reach by car. If there was a problem, I wanted to know I could, at moment's notice, get into a car and be there quickly. Unlike many others here, the idea of going through this alone was (is) terrifying, and I thought it unlikely that any of my friends or family would accompany me on a trip to a distant place.
* She put thought into her choice. Suggesting that she might not have put in enough thought is a put-down of sorts. As someone who was generally an outcast throughout my childhood, I developed an unpleasant belief that everyone knew stuff that I didn't. Having people question my choice, implying they know something I don't is triggering.
Interesting yes I agree im non scene I didnt really discuss my choice of surgeon that much in the scene with my t friends however cis people round me questioned my choice a bit like are you sure can you not get cheaper what's his experience so I spent quite a bit of time discussing things with them at the end of the day I owned that and really ignored wha5 they said as its my body and my outcome may be different to others
julie
Good advice. And that's why I've been reluctant to say much to anyone.
I totally agree with all of this, and I'd also say that 5 weeks beforehand is a bad time to make this suggestion anyway, since it's effectively too late to switch without major hassle and probably expense. (I admit I'm worried about you going there alone and IF you were in the initial selection stage I'd have suggested choosing a surgeon with more 24-hour aftercare, but that's based mostly on your own concerns and I'd never have thought to say you should switch now.)
The only time I ever gently suggested someone consider a different surgeon was when she was thinking of going to some guy who does GRS as an OUTPATIENT procedure. It just didn't sound safe. But that was still during her "initial selection phase."
Aww honey, I'm afraid I'm one of the culprits. But my thoughts were out of ignorance - I'm ftm and the only trans surgery I had was a lot simpler (top surgery).
I never meant to make you doubt yourself. Just that I'm really upset for you at this latest development and worried. It really upsets me thinking of you going through this alone - I just want to cry. And I'm also kind of mad that nobody in your family can just step up and support you during this crucial experience. I mean, wtf!
So please understand my suggestions were made out of ignorance and helplessness to know what to say or suggest. And not any comment on your choice of surgeon or anything. Just not knowing what to do or say. And wishing for a solution to this.