so today(mother's day) was by far the straw the killed the camel(not just breaking its back). i was in new york all day yesterday and it was fine(not as bad as i thought it would be) today i went home and hung out with my sister all day(again, this was going well. was starting to forgot today and could of lived) but than on the way home, i felt as if my heart was being torn out of my chest. the pain was enough it caused me to black out for a minute, than after, i felt so empty, cold, dead like numb. anyone else felt this way before and how can i regain control? honestly, my cardiac shocks where like a pluck on my skin compared to this. i'm even surprised i'm still conscious. i feel like that spot in the atlantic ocean
Black out how? Like are you falling unconscious or is it like your brain shuts down?
Quote from: Edge on May 11, 2014, 05:16:00 PM
Black out how? Like are you falling unconscious or is it like your brain shuts down?
a complete system shut down. brain and body. think of it as a computer that just dies instantly and without warning
Sorry for being blonde, but is it a medical issue or Dysphoria Sis?
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 11, 2014, 05:36:04 PM
Sorry for being blonde, but is it a medical issue or Dysphoria Sis?
haha, i can see why. i wasnt specifying what the issue was. its a dysphoria issue. my dysphoria has left me with this feeling of coldness, deadness and extreme numbness. its like my whole being, my very existence is gone.
It may not make you feel any better, but most of us have been there. You need desperately to find a distraction until you can begin transition. Otherwise it will eat you up whole. Please understand I DO know the feeling and it is terrible. I also know it is not easy to distract yourself as well, but you have to somehow. :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 11, 2014, 06:13:19 PM
It may not make you feel any better, but most of us have been there. You need desperately to find a distraction until you can begin transition. Otherwise it will eat you up whole. Please understand I DO know the feeling and it is terrible. I also know it is not easy to distract yourself as well, but you have to somehow. :)
Imma bout to go biking as soon as i get my tires full of air. Just seems like both wednesday and friday are so far away.
Are those Therapy or HRT days?
Heya! So..... Apart from the passing out thing, spot on I used to get that day after day after day, after day, after day, after day. For years! 0-o
Numb is most likely the best way to explain the feeling, I would use dead and numb to explain it when I had to. But I feel like at a certain point in my life I was forced to face it. I wanted to move on with my life soooo badly, get my business up and running, start my life, do this and that. And the dysphoria was a separate massive issue that I wanted to tackle as well but couldn't because of how depressed I was. The dysphoria absolutely contributes to depression but for me at least it was not the only cause.
I tried for months a lot of different ways to get up and power through with life but I couldn't, it felt like the numbness was a brick wall. It made EVERYTHING ten times harder. Take me an hour to get a ten minute job done. And in mornings I wouldn't get up for hours, not because I was tired, but because I felt dead, I'd just lie there and do nothing.....
I honestly could deal with the numb feeling, felt it for AGES! Like i've been "non depressed" I guess for a couple of months now and I still feel weird as hell! Cause I'm used to feeling numb! It's amazing! But anyway, the main problem for me was the brick wall that I felt it was, so eventually I went to the doctor seeking help and he was just like yep I know what it is we can help you with that.
There were a couple of things I tried, what worked for me was anti-depressants. Some people swear to god they do nothing.
But for me in my case they were amazing, they didn't just "change me" like people are worried they do for no reason at all.
It was as if I was trying SOOO hard to break that wall down with my bare hands. And the anti-depressants was a hammer. It was still had, all the work that needed to be done for me to get to a better stage in my life still had to be done by me! The anti-depressants made a small change but i was I guess a tool and once I had this minor small change, this minor tool. I just felt like I was finally in control.
I don't know what you've done if you've sought help yet or what the right path for you may be. But if you've not already I strongly suggest you see a doctor and tell him exactly how you feel. Use the numb and dead words you used to describe it here because again it was a small change the drugs, but every little helps and even though the change was small it allowed me to make all the larger changes I was begging to make but felt like I was out of control.
Drugs may not be the path for you and they may not even suggest it, but this is a problem that a doctor can help with (They explained the science to me a bit, and what my brain was doing and that made a lot of sense too) and if they don't help, at least you done something, at least you tried.
And if you decide to go through your transition, it's gonna be hard as ->-bleeped-<- to do so feeling like that.
Oh! Just wanted to add another thing about "paths". Therapy works for a lot of people, but for me that wouldn't work for me. I personally can't imagine how it would help anyone. But thats an example how if you find a good doctor they'll help find the path that WILL work for you. For me talking to some stranger about my problems that I already knew I had and thats about it -_-...... Almost like talking to a wall actually, talk to a wall and it can't do nothing so whats the point? Thats how I felt.
But the anti-depressants some people hate them, for me that was the path that helped me a ->-bleeped-<- ton.
A good Therapist doesn't just listen. Mine has helped tremendously with other issue's related to transition such as legal and other things I had never considered about my future. Some just sit there, but a good one is key to transition, at least in my case. :)
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 11, 2014, 05:17:25 PM
a complete system shut down. brain and body. think of it as a computer that just dies instantly and without warning
Ah. If it was just your brain shutting down, I'd say it was dissociation which is fairly easy to deal with when one understands it. However, since you are literally passing out, you need to see a doctor because that is most likely a medical issue.
Are you on Spiro by any chance?
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 11, 2014, 06:58:12 PM
A good Therapist doesn't just listen. Mine has helped tremendously with other issue's related to transition such as legal and other things I had never considered about my future. Some just sit there, but a good one is key to transition, at least in my case. :)
Meh maybe, I've had many in the past but they were forced down my throat by schools so I didn't expect them to be of a high quality. But indeed they did just listen. If there are good ones out there who do more than be a brick wall and just absorb information and give nothing out then fantastic!
Quote from: Blue Rabbit on May 11, 2014, 07:13:42 PM
Meh maybe, I've had many in the past but they were forced down my throat by schools so I didn't expect them to be of a high quality. But indeed they did just listen. If there are good ones out there who do more than be a brick wall and just absorb information and give nothing out then fantastic!
When I was in school, I was forced on anti-depressants. They made me unable to function, suicidal, and made my life a worse hell than I can describe. A decent person would not wish that on their worst enemy, but no one listened to me and no one helped me. I'd take useless therapists over that poison any day, but maybe that's just me.
Instead, I'd recommend behaviour therapy. Those teach skills for emotion regulation and other things that actually help.
Quote from: Edge on May 11, 2014, 07:26:56 PM
When I was in school, I was forced on anti-depressants. They made me unable to function, suicidal, and made my life a worse hell than I can describe. A decent person would not wish that on their worst enemy, but no one listened to me and no one helped me. I'd take useless therapists over that poison any day, but maybe that's just me.
Instead, I'd recommend behaviour therapy. Those teach skills for emotion regulation and other things that actually help.
Like I said in my first post. Therapy is not necessarily wrong or right and nor is anti-depressants. Therapy didn't work for me and anti-depressants didn't work for you.
I would kinda say they're absolutely not poison XD Cause I understand the science behind them and what they do.
However I think this proves that each path is unique to the walker. What works for me didn't work for you and vice versa. But that is the doctors job! To help you find what will help YOU! And like Jessica said about therapists. Yea some are bad but others are good! Same goes with doctors!
I had to find a good doctor like Jessica had to find a good therapist, but when I did they helped me a lot. A good doctor won't shove pills down ya throat to get you to F-off. They will help you and therapy is one of the things they have connections in. Along with other stuff to help fight depression, but accept that it helps some people because everyone is different.
I know that feel
you need to be strong and indeed find something to keep yourself occupied
because as jessica said , if you re left alone with dysphoria it will devastate you...
no i'm not on hrt, i've been in therapy for a month now, my therapist knows and most likely will question me friday, and the passing out is from my high anxiety. imma try and see if i can start my transition in at the end of this month becuz i was trying to start hrt before i do my transition. i blame the fact is i'm more self aware of myself and becuz of that, my emotional standing is a lot higher than usual so instead of the normal jealous and pain, i'm getting cardiac shock type of episodes. this was the first time i ever went completely numb. but after that bike ride, my head is clear. at least i got some fun out of it and didnt have to worry at that moment
Cardiac type shock episodes could mean a aberration in your cardiac rhythm. If it is literally knocking you down you need to get checked immediately. Please tell your parents as soon as possible. A simple cardiac strip could point to a number of dysrhythmias. There are three that I can think of right away. Please tell your parents.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 11, 2014, 08:10:16 PM
Cardiac type shock episodes could mean a aberration in your cardiac rhythm. If it is literally knocking you down you need to get checked immediately. Please tell your parents as soon as possible. A simple cardiac strip could point to a number of dysrhythmias. There are three that I can think of right away. Please tell your parents.
dont worry sis. its probably due to a weak heart. idk why but my echos are always clean but yet my heart isnt as strong as other peoples. probably do to serious stress and my dysphoria has been hiding but doing its damage over the years. i'm highly confused to the point i got rid of all my mirrors ad even showed fully clothed one time. i tell you its a pain and though my therapist is awesome and understand, it just seems like its taken longer and my words and feelings are falling on death ears. i have to see what my endo says after my tests are done
Don't tell ya parents...... -_- Or well you can but they can't do nothing about it can they....... Bring it up with a therapist or endo-thingy or doctor as soon as ya can. Medical people cause it's better safe than sorry if ya passing out 'n stuff.
i guess i better becuz no amount of convincing will get jessie from telling me to go see a doctor just in case lol
Some of the symptoms you are experiencing could be due to panic attacks, blood pressure problems, nutritional deficiencies... a whole range of things which you'd do we'll to get checked out ASAP. The depression and emotional pique is unfortunately caught up in everything else. I don't meant to sound glib - there's no simple solution, I've been there myself and know the abject pain/numbness it brings with it - but the key is learning how to get a handle on your emotions... you need to be in charge of them, not the other way around, don't let them overwhelm you and sweep you away. That requires some coping mechanisms, hopefully your therapist can help you with that. Hugs. :)
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 11, 2014, 08:22:06 PM
i guess i better becuz no amount of convincing will get jessie from telling me to go see a doctor just in case lol
Sorry baby, it is just the Paramedic in me. I have run a lot of calls in 28 years and have seen a lot. I worry about everyone here because I consider you all family. I won't say anything else about it, just trying to help. Have a great night! :)
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 11, 2014, 08:22:06 PM
i guess i better becuz no amount of convincing will get jessie from telling me to go see a doctor just in case lol
XD Haha good.
first of all, Umiko Liliana (should I just call you Umiko? Liliana?) I am so sorry you are struggling so much. Distraction is a good plan and listen to Jessica. She's a wise lady.
Quote from: Blue Rabbit on May 11, 2014, 07:13:42 PM
Meh maybe, I've had many in the past but they were forced down my throat by schools so I didn't expect them to be of a high quality. But indeed they did just listen. If there are good ones out there who do more than be a brick wall and just absorb information and give nothing out then fantastic!
last week I was having a bit of a meltdown because to change my name I need my birth certificate and I don't have it and thought it would be hard to get. So my therapist helped me figure out how to get it. Like actually sat down with me, looked on the computer and helped me fill out the form. She's never just sat there. Good ones don't.
Quote from: christopher on May 11, 2014, 10:41:39 PM
first of all, Umiko Liliana (should I just call you Umiko? Liliana?) I am so sorry you are struggling so much. Distraction is a good plan and listen to Jessica. She's a wise lady.
last week I was having a bit of a meltdown because to change my name I need my birth certificate and I don't have it and thought it would be hard to get. So my therapist helped me figure out how to get it. Like actually sat down with me, looked on the computer and helped me fill out the form. She's never just sat there. Good ones don't.
you can call me umi, koko,liana is my middle name so lily or lilana if you want to call me by my middle name lol. my therapist doesnt sit either. he called me to schedule our next appointment i just bursted into tears. he just said calm down(warning, never tell a girl to calm down for we will only get more riled up) and said do something to distract yourself which worked except the calming down thing.
i just feel like, no matter what i do, i end up causing more trouble and i try everything my therapist is suggesting but at the end of the day, all i do is cry myself to sleep. i really feel like i should just stop now not only becuz i feel like i might go blind becuz i'm crying so much and my mother doesnt really care or think its a phase which makes my dysphoria anything but bearable. i just dont know what to do anymore
Acute Anxiety will definitely shut you down. Not instantly and without warning though in my experience, Maybe 5 or 10 seconds of thoughts racing, vision and audio fading out, and that's it you wake up again. Not something you want to happen while driving a vehicle. The adrenaline overdose from can make your body hurt and ache for weeks, I used to get pains around the kidneys and stomach so bad it felt like being stabbed.
Anyway like everyone else said see a doctor. Whatever it is your going have to find a way to make it not happen again.
Hug you are not alone.
i hope you are getting better asap Sis :) , please take care of yourself & dont get too stressed !
i just feel so selfish. i just want a straight answer thus i always ask "when you look at me, what do you see?" seems like no one can answer my question. i'm sry for sounding like a broken record. :'(
i really think i should just let go. i dont know how much more of this i can take. my therapist isnt a gatekeeper but no matter what i say, it just seems like his response is experiment experiment experiment. it seems like he is purposely putting me in situations where my dysphoria is guaranteed to destroy me
Quite the opposite sweetie. He is testing your resolve and ability to cope under pressure to make sure transition is for you and you can complete it successfully. :)
everyone knows you shouldnt test a girl unless you want trouble, but still. i guess i'm just getting selfish. i deserve to be selfish, dont i? but i guess when i do get into the situations, i find a sense of centering....calmness. i guess its becuz i still have reservations, its causing more trouble for me than what i see it as. maybe i'm still having acceptance issues
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 01:21:19 PM
maybe i'm still having acceptance issues
It could be that or just looking at how long and hard the road to transition really is. :)
jessie, i swear you can take anyone out of there sulking hole xD thnx sis but i see how long it is, its just i'm worn out becuz of my past and what my situations are in the present
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 01:58:20 PM
jessie, i swear you can take anyone out of there sulking hole xD thnx sis but i see how long it is, its just i'm worn out becuz of my past and what my situations are in the present
I think I understand now. Trust me Sis, I was almost the same way before starting on the road to transition. I was tied down with more baggage than United Airlines. What changed for me was looking forward to being reborn. I am now like a baby growing every day until my real birth. It should be an exciting time for you and not a reason for misery, guilt or self doubt. You will always have memories of your past life, but don't let your new future get bogged down by it. Embrace every single change your mind and body are about to go through and realize just how lucky you are to have Dysphoria now in 2014. I had to bury my feelings because the attitudes, treatments and surgeries were almost non existent in 1970. You deserve to be who you need to be and do not have to explain why to no one. Let it go Sis and soar high! You will value the new you because you earned it the hard way and will respect yourself more. :)
i know. its just basically being rejected by my family though they cant stop me so its forcing them to accept me, stepping into this while having to deal with civil legal stuff(no i didnt do anything wrong), its a lot on me. i just worry if i made the wrong decision coming out now rather than later.
It may seen like a lot right now, but I lived with Dysphoria for 40 years and it literally almost killed me. Transition now and there will be no regrets later if transition is what you want. There is never going to be a perfect time. Something will always come up. :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 12, 2014, 02:26:16 PM
It may seen like a lot right now, but I lived with Dysphoria for 40 years and it literally almost killed me. Transition now and there will be no regrets later if transition is what you want. There is never going to be a perfect time. Something will always come up. :)
well i already did my calculations and deep thinking and i know transitioning is the only way for me to survive. its just i'm scared, not of what society would think of me becuz i literally say screw what society thinks, its just i'm scared i'd have to dig deeper than before and not know what i'd find
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 12, 2014, 02:26:16 PM
It may seen like a lot right now, but I lived with Dysphoria for 40 years and it literally almost killed me. Transition now and there will be no regrets later if transition is what you want. There is never going to be a perfect time. Something will always come up. :)
My God Jessica. Can you read my mind? Do I really need to start wearing a tin foil hat 'cause you described my crazy messed up life to a T.
Umiko, definately listen to her. She is freaky scary right.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 12, 2014, 02:32:32 PM
My God Jessica. Can you read my mind? Do I really need to start wearing a tin foil hat 'cause you described my crazy messed up life to a T.
Umiko, definately listen to her. She is freaky scary right.
i know, thats why she's my big sister :) but i'm just ranting and letting everything out so i apologize if i sound like a broken record
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 02:35:11 PM
i know, thats why she's my big sister :) but i'm just ranting and letting everything out so i apologize if i sound like a broken record
Don't worry about it hon, broken records are cool if they skip at just the right moment. No apologies needed we need to let things out sometimes and this place is better than clinical therapy because there is way more experience here with what we go through than 12 years of med school or a degree in psychology. ;)
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 02:35:11 PM
i know, thats why she's my big sister :) but i'm just ranting and letting everything out so i apologize if i sound like a broken record
That's what we are here for sis! I had more trouble in my life by keeping things locked inside me. Emotions, feelings and thoughts. For gosh sake quit apologizing already! As a Moderator I am making a new rule here, no more apologies from Umiko! You keep telling us what is bothering you and we will do what we can to help, OK? :)
Jess-What makes you think I CAN"T read your mind? :icon_yikes: Acting blonde may be my best weapon! ;D
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 12, 2014, 02:42:48 PM
That's what we are here for sis! I had more trouble in my life by keeping things locked inside me. Emotions, feelings and thoughts. For gosh sake quit apologizing already! As a Moderator I am making a new rule here, no more apologies from Umiko! You keep telling us what is bothering you and we will do what we can to help, OK? :)
Jess-What makes you think I CAN"T read your mind? :icon_yikes: Acting blonde may be my best weapon! ;D
Oh crap I'm going for the tinfoil right now. ;) Contrary to popular beliefs, blondes ain't dumb. The reason the one got fired from the M and M factory because she threw all the M and Ms away that had Ws on them is 'cause she got rich selling them in trailmix. 8) I love being blonde even though it is a dirty blonde on more than one level. >:-)
Quote from: Jess42 on May 12, 2014, 02:54:27 PM
Oh crap I'm going for the tinfoil right now.
I knew that! ;D
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 12, 2014, 02:56:10 PM
I knew that! ;D
That's it, I am heading for the underground bunker. I's scared of moderators, especially on a global level. ;)
Quote from: Jess42 on May 12, 2014, 03:05:44 PM
That's it, I am heading for the underground bunker.
I know where it is! >:-) By the way, you are short on toilet paper! ;D
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 12, 2014, 03:13:31 PM
I know where it is! >:-) By the way, you are short on toilet paper! ;D
I am too much of a lady to poop, although very dirty minded but only privately though, but I fart roses hon. ;) That is why the old bathroom debate doesn't bother me, I don't need 'em. ;D I just advocate for the ones that want to use the proper restroom. God I am so ten foot tall and bulletproof sometimes but I guess to quote the great Cyndi Lauper, "Girls Just Wanna' Have Fun". ;)
Sorry for hijacking your thread Umiko. :'(
Quote from: Jess42 on May 12, 2014, 03:42:05 PM
Sorry for hijacking your thread Umiko. :'(
Same here Sis! I do hope we helped you today. Contact me anytime you need to sweetie! :)
booo, your being a mean jessie-oniichan xD. i guess i shouldnt becuz be so scared. i was out this week and i felt a sense of enjoyment and security :o not something i felt before and yesterday i went to the mall with my sister, i wasnt bored at all but i was enjoying myself before my phone died (i nearly cried) and the good part was i was in girl mode and my sister didnt either noticed or didnt really mind which made me feel even better and no problem. i'm happy thats all that matters
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 03:44:43 PM
i'm happy thats all that matters
That is great news Sister! :)
but i'm still considered :-\
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 03:47:14 PM
but i'm still considered :-\
That is OK Sis. Just come to us with anything bothering you in the future. :)
than tell me why i started spotting ???
Sent you a PM instead of the public forum. :)
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 03:44:43 PM
booo, your being a mean jessie-oniichan xD. i guess i shouldnt becuz be so scared. i was out this week and i felt a sense of enjoyment and security :o not something i felt before and yesterday i went to the mall with my sister, i wasnt bored at all but i was enjoying myself before my phone died (i nearly cried) and the good part was i was in girl mode and my sister didnt either noticed or didnt really mind which made me feel even better and no problem. i'm happy thats all that matters
That is definately a good thing. Enjoyment and security being out. It is nice, huh?
Why cry when your phone died? You know how many times I have wanted to throw mine against the wall and then stomp it into tiny little pieces. But I am from a different era though.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 12, 2014, 04:00:25 PM
That is definately a good thing. Enjoyment and security being out. It is nice, huh?
Why cry when your phone died? You know how many times I have wanted to throw mine against the wall and then stomp it into tiny little pieces. But I am from a different era though.
haha! we girls in this era cant live without our phones. my phone is on me 24/7 and if i have it in my hand, i start getting highly anxious and irritable until i realize its in my pocket xD and yes, it was nice. better than being stealth
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 04:41:28 PM
haha! we girls in this era cant live without our phones. my phone is on me 24/7 and if i have it in my hand, i start getting highly anxious and irritable until i realize its in my pocket xD and yes, it was nice. better than being stealth
Did you get a lot of offers to help with make up. and shopping?
And people saying no wonder your like this and like that. And apologies for acusations of being gay and stuff?
I Did. Never been so happy to be me at that point.
oh i always did something correct becuz when i was at old navy, i must of set off this gay sale's associate gaydar becuz he can straddling over to me and my sister and i swore he tried flirting a bit. i maintained girl mode though and just shifted off with i could swore was a tilt in my walk. i was fun and i even got to try on jewelry! i was completely floored xD
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 04:41:28 PM
haha! we girls in this era cant live without our phones. my phone is on me 24/7 and if i have it in my hand, i start getting highly anxious and irritable until i realize its in my pocket xD and yes, it was nice. better than being stealth
You want my phone? Cause you can have the GD'ed thing. If you do find any compromising pictures of me or anyone else please delete them though and please SHHHHHHH. :D
God Umiko You make me feel so old. Now I am mad atcha. ;)
Quote from: Jess42 on May 12, 2014, 05:14:38 PM
You want my phone? Cause you can have the GD'ed thing. If you do find any compromising pictures of me or anyone else please delete them though and please SHHHHHHH. :D
God Umiko You make me feel so old. Now I am mad atcha. ;)
your not old jess-oniichan. your just experienced xD and depends on the type of phone xD
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 05:21:19 PM
your not old jess-oniichan. your just experienced xD and depends on the type of phone xD
OK, so I ain't old HUH? WTH does oniichan mean? ??? Yes I guess you could call it experience when you are young but when you are older it is called ridden hard and put up wet. No pun intended and keep your mind out of the gutter, it is an acceptable expression, I think. ;D
BTW it is a smart phone but I think it's pretty stupid. It doesn't talk to me and tell me what I should or shouldn't do. ;)
Quote from: Jess42 on May 12, 2014, 05:49:41 PM
OK, so I ain't old HUH? WTH does oniichan mean? ??? Yes I guess you could call it experience when you are young but when you are older it is called ridden hard and put up wet. No pun intended. ;D
BTW it is a smart phone but I think it's pretty stupid. It doesn't talk to me and tell me what I should or shouldn't do. ;)
oniichan is big sister in japanese lol
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 05:50:24 PM
oniichan is big sister in japanese lol
I knew she was going to say that Jess! :o
Isn't that right Моя Сестра? ;D
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 05:50:24 PM
oniichan is big sister in japanese lol
OK I posted or actually modified my post at the same time you posted. Thank you, Umiko. I am not that familiar with Japanese but was in Korea for two years but for the life of me can't remember the Korean word for sister but am honored so I'll revert to the american tem lil' sis'. ;)
Boy this is a fast thread so I am lost in where this modification will end up. ;D
So let me modify it again Jessica, thank you.
xD i got them mixed, its oneechan for big sis xD was watching my anime so i didnt mixed them and i did but the actually word is ane but the faster term is oneechan, not oniichan lol
Umiko, I hope the lightness helps you a little bit to get over the coldness and numbness and what you wrote in your original post. In other words I hope your day is a little brighter and filled with more happiness.
Gahhh. I missed it again Umiko, you posted before I could. I am way too slow to post this fast. :)
haha, i am feeling better. though my heart is still wary, i am happy :laugh:
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 06:03:37 PM
haha, i am feeling better. though my heart is still wary, i am happy :laugh:
Oh well hon, a wary heart is good to have sometimes ( remember the "experience" you talked about and I ain't really sure whehther I should be offended or not because experience equals age especially with you young uns ;)) but as long as you are happy, that is all that counts. Keep your heart wary and guarded to an extent because it may save you a heartbreak down the road. Now that is
EXPERIENCE, lil' sister.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 12, 2014, 06:17:58 PM
Oh well hon, a wary heart is good to have sometimes ( remember the "experience" you talked about and I ain't really sure whehther I should be offended or not because experience equals age especially with you young uns ;)) but as long as you are happy, that is all that counts. Keep your heart wary and guarded to an extent because it may save you a heartbreak down the road. Now that is EXPERIENCE, lil' sister.
experience is a good thing. even young people can have more experience than older people. its all based on the knowledge you have and share so its not offense but quite the opposite, oneechan :D and that is true. but it can cause me to stress more than i need to
so i guess it cant be helped anymore. i might as well take my mother and sister's advice and just move on. this would be the third time this happened to me. i've already been out since high school than i went stealth which was ok at the time since i didnt know anything else. but as it stands, its impossible becuz of my current standings. i guess i deserve this for trying to come out completely. i'm sorry (yes i know jessica-oneechan banned me from saying it) but i dont wanna go back to cutting just to get through my day but the idea seems to be creeping up into my heart more and more. i know i was told that this is a long road but for god sake, why do i feel so left out in the cold to dry
well it looks like i cant do therapy unless i pay out of pocket. the type of insurance i have would cover but that's if the therapist is in my net work -.-
That is a very familiar situation. Some insurances will pay for a part of out of network people, ask them. Some work on a sliding scale, again, asking never hurts.
well the good news is that i hopefully found a therapist who accepts my plan of my insurance, only issue i have is that she is about 3 towns over (about an hour away)
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 13, 2014, 03:24:59 PM
well the good news is that i hopefully found a therapist who accepts my plan of my insurance, only issue i have is that she is about 3 towns over (about an hour away)
I am sorry you are having such a hard time Umiko, I read your earlier post and replied that as long as you give consent your old therapist can share all his records with the new one which will save all the coming out and clean with another therapist they can review your records before the first apoinment.
Some things you may want to consider. Traffic to and from the new therapist and the cost of travel and how often you see them. Compare that to what your old therapist would charge you out of pocket. It may actually be cheaper to pay your old one out of pocket. Plus if I am not mistaken medical care that you pay for out of pocket can be written off on taxes. I can write mine off but it is that you just have to pay for it for a year before you get it back. Maybe you can work out a plan with your old therapist to pay what you can afford until you get the money back on taxes. Just some things to consider and look into.
my old therapist doesnt do sliding scale but this well also give me a chance to see if i actually need a female therapist on this. i can always take the bus so no worry on traveling
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 13, 2014, 05:42:09 PM
my old therapist doesnt do sliding scale but this well also give me a chance to see if i actually need a female therapist on this. i can always take the bus so no worry on traveling
That is a good thing. I kind of have mixed feelings about male and female therapist. I had a female therapist that was useless and have had a male that I truly felt comfortable with and I have had a female therapist that I was truly comfortable with. I guess its like anything else, therapists are people to and sometimes you get the brain and other times you get the butthole. :D
Quote from: Jess42 on May 13, 2014, 06:06:45 PM
That is a good thing. I kind of have mixed feelings about male and female therapist. I had a female therapist that was useless and have had a male that I truly felt comfortable with and I have had a female therapist that I was truly comfortable with. I guess its like anything else, therapists are people to and sometimes you get the brain and other times you get the butthole. :D
i just dont know though. i expected this to happen but its just so frustrating that it did happen. i mean like i am in a high state so the reality hasnt hit me yet but still, it makes me feel even littler than i feel now
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 13, 2014, 12:22:00 PM
i'm sorry (yes i know jessica-oneechan banned me from saying it)
::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
I dont wanna go back to cutting just to get through my day but the idea seems to be creeping up into my heart more and more.
When you feel like cutting yourself you better PM me. I will help get you through it Sis. You have me always, OK?
thanx oneechan. i actually felt like it earlier but i got such a sudden euphoric rush, i was just giggling myself into a coma so i'm ok now
I am here for you always Моя Сестра! ;)
but..........your not going to like what i did earlier o.o lets just leave it at that though. sry oneechan
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 13, 2014, 09:25:05 PM
but..........your not going to like what i did earlier
Can you talk to me first next time? Do you feel comfortable enough to do that?
i pmed you
well, i'm getting close to starting HRT(hopefully either next week or the week after but its going to be before summer starts) but i cant help but feel like though it is clearly apparent i need to start transitioning or i could potentially die of stress and my body just giving up from fighting my mind over dominance, it just seems to me like it gives the professionals more reason to throw more hurdles at me. i had a bad panic attack today becuz my girl mode went out the window so i had to go boy mode, my therapist's office didnt pick up the phone when i called all day and usually about half hour after i leave a message, my therapist calls me back, i got nada today. even though my endo gave me hope yesterday, she did leave me confused on whether i need the letter or just a note from my doctor giving me clearance to start HRT. so basically, i'm back to square one, u a creek without a paddle and no where else to turn to. all the full experience gender therapist i cant pay out of pocket and my insurance wont cover any of my sessions except this current one i have who really isnt a gender therapist but has some experience since he had a couple of patients who were trans. i just cant help but to feel left out to dry right now and its frustrating
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 15, 2014, 10:24:54 PM
well, i'm getting close to starting HRT(hopefully either next week or the week after but its going to be before summer starts) but i cant help but feel like though it is clearly apparent i need to start transitioning or i could potentially die of stress and my body just giving up from fighting my mind over dominance, it just seems to me like it gives the professionals more reason to throw more hurdles at me. i had a bad panic attack today becuz my girl mode went out the window so i had to go boy mode, my therapist's office didnt pick up the phone when i called all day and usually about half hour after i leave a message, my therapist calls me back, i got nada today. even though my endo gave me hope yesterday, she did leave me confused on whether i need the letter or just a note from my doctor giving me clearance to start HRT. so basically, i'm back to square one, u a creek without a paddle and no where else to turn to. all the full experience gender therapist i cant pay out of pocket and my insurance wont cover any of my sessions except this current one i have who really isnt a gender therapist but has some experience since he had a couple of patients who were trans. i just cant help but to feel left out to dry right now and its frustrating
OH Umiko, never give up hope, please. Sometimes therapsists do take days off during the middle of the week so that could be the reason they didn't pick up the phone.
On the bright side though, your new therapist does have a little working knowledge of the whole transgender deal. Just have a little patience hon. It truly is a virtue but when we are young it seems like the world is going so fast and everything has to be right now. When you get a little older the world does indeed go by even faster than when you were young, its just you get too lazy or tired or just don't care how fast the world is passing you by. I'm all three. ;)
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 09:27:39 AM
OH Umiko, never give up hope, please. Sometimes therapsists do take days off during the middle of the week so that could be the reason they didn't pick up the phone.
On the bright side though, your new therapist does have a little working knowledge of the whole transgender deal. Just have a little patience hon. It truly is a virtue but when we are young it seems like the world is going so fast and everything has to be right now. When you get a little older the world does indeed go by even faster than when you were young, its just you get too lazy or tired or just don't care how fast the world is passing you by. I'm all three. ;)
Time for me disappeared a long time ago. Time doesnt move for me so thats why i see this as going so slow plus every week its always the same thing, i talk and i get the "i understand, you just need to calm down and think of things to distract yourself and make you feel comfortable" first never tell a girl to calm down and second i cant feel comfortable thus why i am on therapy. This kinda stuff is what drives me to pill popping and cutting
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 10:00:37 AM
Time for me disappeared a long time ago. Time doesnt move for me so thats why i see this as going so slow plus every week its always the same thing, i talk and i get the "i understand, you just need to calm down and think of things to distract yourself and make you feel comfortable" first never tell a girl to calm down and second i cant feel comfortable thus why i am on therapy. This kinda stuff is what drives me to pill popping and cutting
Oh hon, please don't scar yourself up and careful of the pills. If you ever need to talk I'm here for you.
I agree, you never tell a girl to calm down 'cause it makes us way more hysterical. Especially when you add the dysphoria into the mix.
I can definately relate to what I emboldened in your statement. Being or feeling female is the number one thing that makes me comfortable.
well i'll give my time one more shot but if this doesnt work than i'm literally doomed
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 11:03:27 AM
well i'll give my time one more shot but if this doesnt work than i'm literally doomed
I feel so bad for you. :'( Please before you do anything like that talk to me. You can PM me anytime. It may take awhile to get back to you on weekends and at nights, with music it kind of limits my time during these times, but I will definately try to help you the best I can. Remember the whole age/experience thing OK?
i'm still highly unsure if my endo even wants a letter though she does want to know that i'm cleared and mentally prepared to start HRT
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 11:31:49 AM
i'm still highly unsure if my endo even wants a letter though she does want to know that i'm cleared and mentally prepared to start HRT
Yeah, she will probably want a letter. Especially about the mentally prepared part. Please don't get mad at me :( but try to calm down, again don't get mad at me but think that if this is something you truly want to do. Girls can tell each other to calm down without getting hysterical. ;) Then put it in your mind that it is, if it is something that you are ready for and reassure yourself that you are making the right decision and in therapy have and show resolve that you are ready to your therapist. It's all psychology Umiko and the more you seem sure about it and less upset and or confused the more your therapist will pick up on it. They usually analyse your body language, little things you may say, making eye contact and so on. I have faith in you and you just need that same faith in yourself.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 12:12:47 PM
Yeah, she will probably want a letter. Especially about the mentally prepared part. Please don't get mad at me :( but try to calm down, again don't get mad at me but think that if this is something you truly want to do. Girls can tell each other to calm down without getting hysterical. ;) Then put it in your mind that it is, if it is something that you are ready for and reassure yourself that you are making the right decision and in therapy have and show resolve that you are ready to your therapist. It's all psychology Umiko and the more you seem sure about it and less upset and or confused the more your therapist will pick up on it. They usually analyse your body language, little things you may say, making eye contact and so on. I have faith in you and you just need that same faith in yourself.
well if its body language and speech they analyze, i already have the boxed checked. i'm contemplating going back to my old therapist and asking for a letter, though i'm sure he would wanted me to take a little more time but due to the insurance thing, i couldnt tell him that i've made up my mind about what i was going to do and begin to make my transition preparations first before asking for the letter, but i couldnt and right now my mental state is crumbling becuz i'm not sure if i can still get a letter from my side therapist or if i have to go back and ask my actually gender therapist. my current state is due to the whole therapy discontinuation and there is no gender therapist in my area or the LGBT groups within walking distance since i dont drive nor do i want to, my mother is to busy to drive me and the buses and trains would take to long to get there
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 12:22:21 PM
well if its body language and speech they analyze, i already have the boxed checked. i'm contemplating going back to my old therapist and asking for a letter, though i'm sure he would wanted me to take a little more time but due to the insurance thing, i couldnt tell him that i've made up my mind about what i was going to do and begin to make my transition preparations first before asking for the letter, but i couldnt and right now my mental state is crumbling becuz i'm not sure if i can still get a letter from my side therapist or if i have to go back and ask my actually gender therapist. my current state is due to the whole therapy discontinuation and there is no gender therapist in my area or the LGBT groups within walking distance since i dont drive nor do i want to, my mother is to busy to drive me and the buses and trains would take to long to get there
Ask your old therapist. All he could say is no so prepare yourself but he may say yes. I know about crumbling mental states, just try to stay on the positive side. I got stories that would give you nightmares and I made it through. I'm really one to say this but just hang tough in there and don't let the world or whoever else bring you down.
he does indeed believe me thats why he had me go exploring though they end up backfiring its just i wasnt ready to admit to myself and when i did some deep thinking over the course of 2 weeks, i came to realize that this is in fact something i need to do and it became a life or death situtation due to the severity of my dysphoric attacks ive been having for the past year or so, its just these last 4 were far from normal becuz they nearly got me hit by a car, almost knocked me off a cliff, almost fell down 3 flights of stairs, and my heart stopped for few seconds. i just dont know what to do but to ask my side therapist and see what he can do. if that falls than, well....idk
Then I would definately ask my old therapist for a letter and ask your side therapist. If you are sure you are ready and it does sound like it, reassure them that you are. I think you may be closer than you think and like I said just keep a positive outlook. Or at least try your best 'cause dysphoria is a bitch. I have never really experienced it on a really bad level but it is definately getting stronger on me. So I can just imagine what you are going through.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 01:16:40 PM
Then I would definately ask my old therapist for a letter and ask your side therapist. If you are sure you are ready and it does sound like it, reassure them that you are. I think you may be closer than you think and like I said just keep a positive outlook. Or at least try your best 'cause dysphoria is a bitch. I have never really experienced it on a really bad level but it is definately getting stronger on me. So I can just imagine what you are going through.
i see dysphoric attacks as attacks based of how strongly your feelings are, but in my case, that principle doesnt apply to me for some reason. idk, i never was a male to begin with and becuz of my agreeable and neutral nature, it never really occurred to me until my late teens thus when the attacks starting happening. i've been trying to figure out which dysphoria i have. is it body, mental or social? if i can deduce that than i can give my therapist an accurate answer becuz thats really what they are waiting for
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 01:26:02 PM
i see dysphoric attacks as attacks based of how strongly your feelings are, but in my case, that principle doesnt apply to me for some reason. idk, i never was a male to begin with and becuz of my agreeable and neutral nature, it never really occurred to me until my late teens thus when the attacks starting happening. i've been trying to figure out which dysphoria i have. is it body, mental or social? if i can deduce that than i can give my therapist an accurate answer becuz thats really what they are waiting for
Has it ever occured to you or your therapist that it could be a combination of all three? Or something that isn't even the three that may be the root problem. Me for instance I have social anxiety, I am totally a different person in social situations than I am in real life. I have to be or I couldn't function in social situations. This is due to me having and introverted personality and that introversion I believe stems from being transgender. Like you I never was male or at least a real male to begin with. Hell I started growing little buds when the girls my age did that turned into little A cups. That totally different person that I use for social crap. That was full blown alpha male devil may care persona and in younger days I had a lot of relations with girls to keep up the illusion if you know what I mean and never had any children. With guys I know why I never got pregnant, joke of course :D. I do know I have low t levels and so on and probably had lower than normal T levels all of my life which is why I developed female like hands and feet, Freaking lovehandles that will not go away because there is actuall bone under there and a higher than normal male voice.
So in relation to the three, I have always had the social and mental parts and now I am starting to experience the body part. I still hide it really well but at times just feel like screaming about it at the top of my lungs. So it could verywell be a combination of all three.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 02:19:12 PM
Has it ever occured to you or your therapist that it could be a combination of all three? Or something that isn't even the three that may be the root problem. Me for instance I have social anxiety, I am totally a different person in social situations than I am in real life. I have to be or I couldn't function in social situations. This is due to me having and introverted personality and that introversion I believe stems from being transgender. Like you I never was male or at least a real male to begin with. Hell I started growing little buds when the girls my age did that turned into little A cups. That totally different person that I use for social crap. That was full blown alpha male devil may care persona and in younger days I had a lot of relations with girls to keep up the illusion if you know what I mean and never had any children. With guys I know why I never got pregnant, joke of course :D. I do know I have low t levels and so on and probably had lower than normal T levels all of my life which is why I developed female like hands and feet, Freaking lovehandles that will not go away because there is actuall bone under there and a higher than normal male voice.
So in relation to the three, I have always had the social and mental parts and now I am starting to experience the body part. I still hide it really well but at times just feel like screaming about it at the top of my lungs. So it could verywell be a combination of all three.
ah, if its all three than, well, i need to transition asap becuz i did have thoughts of going gonzo once again. but no, it never occurred to me but i knew being trans was the root of all my anxiety, depression, self-harm behavior, pill popping and my wild imaginations as they would call it. i dont have the average strength of a cis male, my voice is andro even though its more natural for me to keep it at the higher end, which gets people asking " why dont you just talk in your normal voice" its pretty irritating so i just make up the excuse talking in a lower voice makes my throat scratchy. but my therapist is just waiting for that answer so now that i have it, maybe i can get my side therapist to help me out though he has very little experience but does seem to be competent in the area
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 02:30:47 PM
ah, if its all three than, well, i need to transition asap becuz i did have thoughts of going gonzo once again. but no, it never occurred to me but i knew being trans was the root of all my anxiety, depression, self-harm behavior, pill popping and my wild imaginations as they would call it. i dont have the average strength of a cis male, my voice is andro even though its more natural for me to keep it at the higher end, which gets people asking " why dont you just talk in your normal voice" its pretty irritating so i just make up the excuse talking in a lower voice makes my throat scratchy. but my therapist is just waiting for that answer so now that i have it, maybe i can get my side therapist to help me out though he has very little experience but does seem to be competent in the area
Ahh that voice. I actually have to consciously lower mine especially on the telephone talking to customers or people I know I will see later, other than that they can call me Ma'am anytime. Just bring that up next time in therapy that all these problems are connected and see how they think of that.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 02:39:34 PM
Ahh that voice. I actually have to consciously lower mine especially on the telephone talking to customers or people I know I will see later, other than that they can call me Ma'am anytime. Just bring that up next time in therapy that all these problems are connected and see how they think of that.
i have tried, my old therapist just said go out and experiment more. i did as he said and those things nearly got me killed becuz my dysphoria ran me into the pavement. i did have do them in my stealth mode and i felt better but i still have issues becuz well, simply, i dont have boobs and that alone is enough to make me wanna break my mirror :-\
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 02:45:01 PM
i have tried, my old therapist just said go out and experiment more. i did as he said and those things nearly got me killed becuz my dysphoria ran me into the pavement. i did have do them in my stealth mode and i felt better but i still have issues becuz well, simply, i dont have boobs and that alone is enough to make me wanna break my mirror :-\
You don't have to have boobs hon. Look at Milla Jevovich I would die to look exactly like her and my boobs are bigger than hers. Do like all girls do at one time or another, stuff your bra. I have very few boy family members and they were so much older than me and a lot of girl family members around my age so I actually grew up knowing more about girly things than boy things and this probably allowed me to grow up in a more girly atmosphere. In a way I was lucky in that aspect. BTW you break a mirror and seven years of bad luck so by all means don't break the mirror. :)
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 02:55:28 PM
You don't have to have boobs hon. Look at Milla Jevovich I would die to look exactly like her and my boobs are bigger than hers. Do like all girls do at one time or another, stuff your bra. I have very few boy family members and they were so much older than me and a lot of girl family members around my age so I actually grew up knowing more about girly things than boy things and this probably allowed me to grow up in a more girly atmosphere. In a way I was lucky in that aspect. BTW you break a mirror and seven years of bad luck so by all means don't break the mirror. :)
haha, i'm not superstitious. i cant go swimming this summer which is very upsetting. really love swimming and wasnt able to for the past 2 years. well monday, imma ask my therapist his thoughts than imma try and spring the letter question on him. i really do need to contact my endo becuz i'm getting the feeling she wants my pcp and my psych to give the clearance more than a letter from a therapist :-\
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 03:04:05 PM
haha, i'm not superstitious. i cant go swimming this summer which is very upsetting. really love swimming and wasnt able to for the past 2 years. well monday, imma ask my therapist his thoughts than imma try and spring the letter question on him. i really do need to contact my endo becuz i'm getting the feeling she wants my pcp and my psych to give the clearance more than a letter from a therapist :-\
Be very careful, superstitions may not be real but just in case. ???
As for you liking to swim, that kind of sux but I don't care for swimming, actually can't swim but I do hate tan lines so I have a private backyard and sunbathe in a manner that doesn't create tan lines. Kind of leary about Google Earth but if there are that many people with nothing better to do than search for people doing private things, well I'll just give 'em a little show and hope they enjoy. ;)
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 03:20:40 PM
Be very careful, superstitions may not be real but just in case. ???
As for you liking to swim, that kind of sux but I don't care for swimming, actually can't swim but I do hate tan lines so I have a private backyard and sunbathe in a manner that doesn't create tan lines. Kind of leary about Google Earth but if there are that many people with nothing better to do than search for people doing private things, well I'll just give 'em a little show and hope they enjoy. ;)
::) being in the water is like leaving the world behind and jumping into my own space. if the only thing in this world that has enough power so to speak to soothe me and calm me down. people call me a fish even though i can swim but not that well xD
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 03:33:26 PM
::) being in the water is like leaving the world behind and jumping into my own space. if the only thing in this world that has enough power so to speak to soothe me and calm me down. people call me a fish even though i can swim but not that well xD
Being in the water deep enough that my feet can't touch, I would definately be leaving this world, hon. In a body bag. :) If it is shallow enough to where I can crouch down, I get what you are saying 'casue it is extrememly soothing.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 03:44:34 PM
Being in the water deep enough that my feet can't touch, I would definately be leaving this world, hon. In a body bag. :) If it is shallow enough to where I can crouch down, I get what you are saying 'casue it is extrememly soothing.
HAHA! that funny. its not that bad. i cant stay in the shallow area. i must be in the deep area xD well once i figure out my letter situation, i'll get my doctor to clear me than off to the endo i go
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 03:52:13 PM
HAHA! that funny. its not that bad. i cant stay in the shallow area. i must be in the deep area xD well once i figure out my letter situation, i'll get my doctor to clear me than off to the endo i go
Sounds like you are in a little better mood? You got any friends that drive. I don't know what area you live in but I grew up kind of out in the country where there were plenty of places to swim privately. Me and my boyfriend at the time would go there and have the whole pond to ourselves. Of course I did not swim and if I go out too far I figured he would save me so no worries. He even tried to teach me to swim but it never worked. actually I might have learned but him holding me up in the water with his arms was way more fun than trying to learn to swim. ;)
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 04:06:07 PM
Sounds like you are in a little better mood? You got any friends that drive. I don't know what area you live in but I grew up kind of out in the country where there were plenty of places to swim privately. Me and my boyfriend at the time would go there and have the whole pond to ourselves. Of course I did not swim and if I go out too far I figured he would save me so no worries. He even tried to teach me to swim but it never worked.
i can always go to sandy hook or point pleasant beach but, i would only be able to get my feet wet *tear* usually my family goes to the beach during the summer time or i can try and work at the local camp and go with them. just need to hope next summer comes quick so i can go swimming xD and i am feeling a little better though i'm concerned that i'd have to wait a lifetime to get that pesky letter
I don't think you'll have to wait that long. Look at me I am older and just now seriously thinking about it.
well i'll see what happens monday. i'm just still concerned my secondary therapist wont be able to write me the letter i need though he is competent and can tell mental illness from dysphoria seeing as he works in an outpatient psychiatric facility
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 04:51:57 PM
well i'll see what happens monday. i'm just still concerned my secondary therapist wont be able to write me the letter i need though he is competent and can tell mental illness from dysphoria seeing as he works in an outpatient psychiatric facility
Well Umiko, I really wish you luck. Let us know Monday how it goes. Does he know about the cutting? That please don't do, if you feel you need to let bad mojo out, curse me, curse at me, if we were face to face I'd even let you punch me, in the arm of course covered by a pillow, until you get it all out. I promise nothing offends me. I had a cousin that used to cut herself and it really used to break my heart. I used to let her beat the crap out of me, of course with plenty of padding, and curse me lower than life and let all her pent up agression be aimed at me. It may not help you but it seemed to help her quite a bit.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 05:13:25 PM
Well Umiko, I really wish you luck. Let us know Monday how it goes. Does he know about the cutting? That please don't do, if you feel you need to let bad mojo out, curse me, curse at me, if we were face to face I'd even let you punch me, in the arm of course covered by a pillow, until you get it all out. I promise nothing offends me. I had a cousin that used to cut herself and it really used to break my heart. I used to let her beat the crap out of me, of course with plenty of padding, and curse me lower than life and let all her pent up agression be aimed at me. It may not help you but it seemed to help her quite a bit.
yea, he knows about my cutting, burning, pill popping, attempts to self castrate and the other thing, plus he has my records from my stays at the hospital, counseling, and my psychiatrist's notes and medication regimen. i'm just hoping he can write my letter even though he isnt apart of the WPATH society. and i'd never do that becuz not only does it ignite my sadistic nature but becuz i hate hurting other people, it degrades myself when if i inflict either physical or mental pain even if you have pads on or has hard as a rock in an emotional sense. i'm a lover not a fighter lol. i figured out that i was only self harming becuz i wasnt accepting myself and i hated myself for not accepting myself so working on self acceptance is wats keeping me from hurting myself
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 05:22:11 PM
yea, he knows about my cutting, burning, pill popping, attempts to self castrate and the other thing, plus he has my records from my stays at the hospital, counseling, and my psychiatrist's notes and medication regimen. i'm just hoping he can write my letter even though he isnt apart of the WPATH society. and i'd never do that becuz not only does it ignite my sadistic nature but becuz i hate hurting other people, it degrades myself when if i inflict either physical or mental pain even if you have pads on or has hard as a rock in an emotional sense. i'm a lover not a fighter lol. i figured out that i was only self harming becuz i wasnt accepting myself and i hated myself for not accepting myself so working on self acceptance is wats keeping me from hurting myself
Self acceptance is the number one thing. Work on it most definately. I could care less if the rest of society accept me but I definately want, need and have to accept myself.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 05:44:21 PM
Self acceptance is the number one thing. Work on it most definately. I could care less if the rest of society accept me but I definately want, need and have to accept myself.
i know. screw society but society is still kicking my butt so i need to conform just a little so i can survive just until i go full time than i can say "later suckers!" xD
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 16, 2014, 05:50:00 PM
i know. screw society but society is still kicking my butt so i need to conform just a little so i can survive just until i go full time than i can say "later suckers!" xD
Now that is the attitude. ATTITUDE, sister. Don't let it kick you in the but though and conform just enough. I gotta so I probably won't be on here much this weekend but definately let me know how things go monday and I'll have my fibers crossed.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2014, 05:59:05 PM
Now that is the attitude. ATTITUDE, sister. Don't let it kick you in the but though and conform just enough. I gotta so I probably won't be on here much this weekend but definately let me know how things go monday and I'll have my fibers crossed.
k, thanx oneechan and i'll let you know monday
I meant fingers Umiko, just in case. Jeesh, getting ready to jam a little tonight with some friends and had two beers and have no idea what crossing fibers are. Already gonna be a rough night trying to hit all the right notes. :P Again good luck hon, I'll be thinking and sending you all the good luck I can.
lets face it, i was ok all day yesterday than towards the end i started hiding behind my sweater sleeve. than maybe around 8 i started getting depressed and than i almost broke down crying and now i'm stuck in this funk. idk whats wrong this time but its really upsetting. even had my mom give me the "are you unhappy speech." seems like my emotions are becoming more obvious. i'm suppose to be an impenetrable, non emotional being but i just keep crumbling. i just dont know what to do anymore. am i really that unhappy or is it just something else going on? trying to keep my composure for just a little bit :'(
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 17, 2014, 01:42:30 AM
lets face it, i was ok all day yesterday than towards the end i started hiding behind my sweater sleeve. than maybe around 8 i started getting depressed and than i almost broke down crying and now i'm stuck in this funk. idk whats wrong this time but its really upsetting. even had my mom give me the "are you unhappy speech." seems like my emotions are becoming more obvious. i'm suppose to be an impenetrable, non emotional being but i just keep crumbling. i just dont know what to do anymore. am i really that unhappy or is it just something else going on? trying to keep my composure for just a little bit :'(
I will let you in on a little secret. We can't always maintain composure. You are not a rock so don't try to be. Hell, crying feels good and is a very good way to release some pent up emotions.
No matter what you think or have been told or want to believe, you are not an impenetrable, non emotional being. Humans aren't capable of being that way. And if you find someone that
seems to be, they have conditioned themselves to act like that. I have seen supposed "rocks" break down and cry.
Sound like it sneaks up on you and comes over you in waves. Am I right? First you are OK. Then you tried hiding behind your sleeve. And then the depression comes. You said you almost broke down and cried. Cry your heart out Hon, don't hold those tears back. Have you ever been diagnosed with Bipolar Depression or Manic Depression? I have been diagnosed with Bipolar but I know enough about Psychology that I am not bipolar. I have Major Depression, it's just that the anxiety before it got undercontrol would make me seem Manic. But now without the anxiety it is just soul crushing depression in which I really have to work on.
Do you feel real good or at least normal emotionaly at times and other times just down and don't feel like getting out of bed? Go between happiness and sadness? That could mean you are bipolar, it is definately an indicator. Just hang in there Umiko, and definately in therapy ask your therapist questions and thier opinions and you have access to whatever they write, all you have to do is ask them if you can read it.
Good luck and I wish you well the rest of the weekend.
i dont fit the criteria for mood disorders or anxiety disorder with the new DSM-V criteria. i'm always in a neutral state and i try not to show emotions because, well, they bring me to much unwanted attention. usually after a good night sleep i'm up and fine again but it always creeps up again sometime in the week. i'm always hiding behind my sleeve though so i appear to be fine
i hit my low point again. i tried not to think about it until wednesday but unfortunately i get hit again. god how i hate having to much time. it sends me into thinking mode which than results in my going lifeless. i'm sry guys, i promised to only be positive but..im sry :'(
Quote from: Sprite Umiko Liliana on May 18, 2014, 10:33:45 PM
i hit my low point again. i tried not to think about it until wednesday but unfortunately i get hit again. god how i hate having to much time. it sends me into thinking mode which than results in my going lifeless. i'm sry guys, i promised to only be positive but..im sry :'(
We all slip. Just try to hang in there OK?
What sometimes helps me is writing out a list or outline of what I need/want to do, then once I can see everything broken down in an outline, I can cross things off (even if they are small) Doing this helps me feel like I've accomplished something.
seriously, just when i start to feel hope, i get shot down. idk if i can go on anymore. i have go through my pcp to get my hormones who has to contact my endo so she can at least give me enough to last me until i go see he but this could take so long. literally, with the amount of time i have left, dont think i can go on anymore