Hey everyone,
since i discover myself since a few years i know about some of my foibles. im really pessimistic and are sceptic about everything, i ponder everything down to nothing. and because that isnt enough i fall into a Zombiemode the last years to keep me sane. i cant descripe it in english really: i want to do something, work on my thesis, lose weight when i hit 200 lbs, moving out. working on things which disturb me but finally i do nothing and dont know why. that burdened me more and more and i want to do something about this, but i dont act again and...i cant trust in myself anymore.
on the other side i stop smoking last march. my motivation was, the last day not smoking was so hard, that i dont want to have this day ever again. why i was working here but not on other fields? smoking wasnt so disturbing for me and stopping is much harder than writing some pages about a new serversoftware or changing food habits...
i have no failing anxieties. i dont saw any sense and outcome because my brain show me in a clear way for every solved problem a new will arrive. finish thesis-look for a real job or other study, move out-self care needed, losing weight-allways look what i eat till im dead. so doing nothing have the same outcome finally...ok that was before i understand what is wrong with me.
when i discover my transidentity im getting motivated, could grap my problem. finish thesis and find job to financial backup my move-out. everything looks so easy and meaningful for a moment. i could draw a future and start losing weight, plan to start therapy and transition...
the sense was there but after a few days i get so pessimistic about my outcomes, not passing, more about selfacceptance and all the other worst case scenarios and so i fall back to my status of inactivity. im chicken out before i really start? it seems that i am not able to help myself and i dont know why. this hopelessness drives me mad. and how to beat a strong conditioned behaviour? it seems that i try to sit my life out...
greetings
Ishtar
GD overpowers most of us from time to time. It frequently comes with it's cousins depression, negativity, pessimism, loss of motivation and inaction. At times like these having a good therapist, friends and an effective support network are critical. Then it comes back to you. Taking any step, one at a time is important. Success breeds success. Achievement no matter how small is a cause for celebration. It is there for you, if you want it, reach out and take it. In the meantime we are here for you. Many of your friends on Susans have been in a similar place and moved to a better place. Take heart. You have taken the first step by posting. Now take the next step.
Safe travels
Aisla
Transition is not an easy path, Ishtar. Most trans people have struggled with doubts and concerns at some point for another - it isn't a sign of character weakness. If you can find someone to talk to about these issues to give you a sense of perspective, rather than over thinking everything to the point of exhaustion, you might find some of the perceived roadblocks are not as immense as you believe and get some realistic and practical goals in place.
This sounds exactly like me, lol. I mean, down to the letter - a few months ago I wasn't doing anything on my thesis, I wasn't making healthy choices to lose weight for surgery...so I understand! It's easy to get caught up in a cycle where you don't feel able to make any movement forward.
I still struggle with it, but I found something that helps. I force myself to do one small thing. So for example, with my thesis, I actually said to myself "OK, just write one paragraph, don't even research it, just write it off the top of your head." So I did. And then I found, once I got going, I wanted to build on that paragraph. I wanted to edit it, add some sources, etc. And the paragraph soon built into a full page. I had to force myself to start on one paragraph each day, but it always ended up being a bit more, and now that it's built up it's almost finished!
I do that with other stuff too. Like when my bedroom is a disaster and I feel depressed and like I can't finish it or even start. I just think, OK, I'm going to pick up three things. Or I'm going to pick up the garbage around my desk. Or clear off something on a particular piece of furniture. I always end up doing more.
Just remember: when you feel like this, the challenge isn't in actually doing things and solving your problems. It's in making the decision to get started. If you can overcome that, and start with just one tiny step, bigger things often follow. I remind myself of that daily, and it's difficult every day, but it's helped me move forward.
Humans are lazy by nature .But start with baby steps like pick one of your goals and write it down and post it on your bathroom mirror . Its not there to shame you its there for mental idea to be planted so you take the next step .Like one day you look at it and it clicks (i can do that thing).Don,t beat yourself up .. from what i read your on right path you just need a flexible plan ..To question trials and results on your journey is part of journey i think .We all wish on look ,results,the moment we can wear something ... If we don,t have goals then we are stuck in neutral .All the famous were dreamers .If it works for them then we need to dream even more .. PM somebody here because the power of two is stronger than one girl carrying all makeup by her self .Relax and have fun with it because life whats to smile more than you think .AKA Sara
I believe that when it's time you know it. I knew it based on some of the emotions you described. I believe that dysphoria is a progressive state in which we become increasingly restless and in turmoil until we do something about it. My own procrastination was based on fear. But sooner or later, the pain exceeds the fear. And not to do something made me feel at times that I was going mad. I found that this was something that I needed to talk over with a therapist.