Since my introductory posting, I've looked thought this site and found that the word transsexual is a term that seems to most accurately describe me. While I am relived to be able to assign a label to my condition, what are the likely choices I have, or the ramifications for me and my loved ones? I have always tried to look at situations from many points of view. What if a therapist agrees and I decide to reveal my situation and transition into a woman?
I decided to try and quantify or qualify the impact my transitioning would have on others, especially those who are closest to me. It has not been an easy exercise. First, there is the trio in my home. My wife will undoubtedly be devastated and feel violated. And my children will have to live the rest of their lives having to reconcile who I am and how to explain the person who used to be their father. Parenting will be difficult at best. And then there are my parents and my siblings. I suspect my mother will attempt to be supportive, but I know it will break her heart. My dad will be devastated. He will shut down emotionally, and be hurt beyond any hurt he has felt before. The whole scenario will be like their reacting to a death. But most deaths are unforeseen and not intended. This is more akin to suicide.
How can I live with myself afterward? From what I have read on this forum, I will be told that I am not being selfish or to blame, and that I must be what I must be. But that's not entirely true. I know people who have been in serious physical pain or psychological pain through extended periods of their life who bear up and live life without complaining. And isn't this the hardest hurdle of all that I might deal with? I have a pretty thick skin and have learned how to deal with criticism from others. But I was born with a moral compass that demands that I judge my actions relative to the consequence it has on others. It has served me well in life. But now ...
So, what is the tipping point? Is it going with the selfish and perhaps self-centered me? Should I wait until my kids are older? Or will the pain become so great that I have no other choice? And when will I know I have reached that point?
I commend you considering all of this, but think you are over analyzing it way too much. You could drive yourself bonkers assuming how everyone will respond. People do surprise you. As far as kids my 15 year old son didn't show much reaction when I told him, he just wanted me to get out of the way of the Xbox. I have been full time since January 1st and a couple of times he has slipped and called me Mom. My Facebook went from around 15 with only three or four ever posting anything on my male page to well over 60 at last count with 20-30 I message every day on my female page. In real life I gained more friends than I lost. My parents while shaken up kind of knew it was coming and have been very supportive as long as I am happy and well adjusted. This from military, conservative and Catholic parents. I think the only shame should be with pre conceived notions without giving your loved ones the right to choose their reaction themselves. I lost a 16 year marriage, but not from gender issue's. Just food for thought. No offense meant in my post. :)
I can tell you a fact. Gender Dysphoria does not go away untreated and only gets exponentially worse as time goes by.
I think you already know the answer. You transition as slowly and as imperceptibly as possible. It's no fun being transsexual and it can be very expensive, in many different ways. No one "chooses" to be transsexual. You do what you have to do.
I think "coming out" causes many more problems than it solves. The reality is usually not as bad as family and friends imagine after you tell them you are transsexual.
That is a conflict a lot of us face. And compromises are difficult and rarely fulfilling. It's also uniquely personal. No two people are the same nor are their relationships. I wish I had an easy answer for you. There isn't one.
My situation is similar to yours. As are my values & attitude. I chose the path of non-confrontation. I don't feel the crushing need to change my physical appearance to "be female" as others do, and the cost of doing that would be more than I'm willing to pay. So I'm sneaking around the edges of it, feminizing, androgenizing a bit, living vicariously thru the other crazy chicks and dudes here. It's my rational compromise. No I'm not happy about it. I would probably go full Fem if I could, but I can't. Life isn't fair.
If nothing else you'll get sympathetic support here no matter what you choose.
I'd suggest you not make other people's minds up for them. There were plenty of people who I thought would take my news in the worst possible way. Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong. And there I'd been wasting brain energy and impugning them in the worst possible way - all for nothing.
Two things: don't get ahead of yourself, maybe talk to a counsellor and see if you can work out things including whether you may have internalised transphobia...I did, and once I acknowledged it and rejected it I found I was a lot more comfortable with my decision and less likely to project the same onto others.
Secondly, yes some people have suffered bravely and silently in silence through their maladies. But generally they were people for whom there was no cure or remedy (cancer, quadriplegia, MS, etc). Being trans gender is not the same thing. :)
Thanks so much for your feedback.
As I said, I am trying to examine the situation as honestly as I can. Am I deluding myself that my reservation is how will it affect others? Perhaps the real issue is one of fear and pride.
I am well respected in my family, my community and in my profession. I am affirmed as a good father, good husband, fine neighbor and highly competent professional Am I really selfishly trying to avoid the inevitable change in my position within those groups. I must admit those are major stumbling blocks. In fact, I am just a scared little girl hiding in a man's body. I am beginning to think that fear is really at the root of my problem. So it was with alcohol until I came to realize I was using it as a way of not dealing with life on life's terms. But from what you are telling me, there is no program to make me non-transsexual. I guess I will have a lot to discuss with a therapist.
Quote from: Clare Manning on May 17, 2014, 11:46:37 PM
I am well respected in my family, my community and in my profession. I am affirmed as a good father, good husband, fine neighbor and highly competent professional Am I really selfishly trying to avoid the inevitable change in my position within those groups.
I had the same situation Clare. 25 year Paramedic/Firefighter, 3 years Elite Flight Medic, could get a job anywhere because of my skills/reputation, I am still heavily involved in my child's education and hobbies, I mow my elderly neighbors lawns and check on them during storms and such. You know what? The respect was still there if not increased because of the fortitude transition requires. None of that will change as bad as you think. If a bunch of Alpha Dog Firefighters and Medics can accept me now, you should do as well. A Therapist is key to accepting the fact you can't change who you really are inside. I think I speak for most when I say the hardest step is accepting yourself. Once you do that, you will soar! :)
Quote from: Clare Manning on May 17, 2014, 10:58:50 PM
But that's not entirely true. I know people who have been in serious physical pain or psychological pain through extended periods of their life who bear up and live life without complaining. And isn't this the hardest hurdle of all that I might deal with?
I've lived 30 years with this psychological pain without enduring. Some of us have lived 40 or 50, or more years without complaining. You've lived decades with it without complaining.
There is a difference between extended periods and life long. Eventually we all hit the end of our rope. And again there's a difference between them. Between having that simple but wonderful hope that eventually this pain will end to give you the extra push when you've reach the end of your rope, and knowing that it won't get better, that you've reached the end of your rope now, and still have 50 more years or so to endure, that it's still going to get worse before the end. That is a huge difference. It also accounts for the huge difference in suicide rates for pre-transition trans* and transitioning trans*.
I'm not saying it's impossible. It's very possible and there are many trans* that survive and endure and push on without ever transitioning. But there's also a reason many of us on here say those things. Because its true, that there is nothing wrong with doing what you need to to live, nothing selfish about it.
It is your choice to make, as it has been for all of us. And it's never an easy decision, even when you don't have a wife or children to worry about. We all deal with our version of what you are going for. And only you can decide which is the right answer for you. Just be sure it's the right one for you, because no one else can carry this burden for you, no one else can lift it from your shoulders to give you a rest, no one else can feel your pain for you. Good luck.
Hi Clare,
Can I reinforce what the other women have said. I'm as high in my profession as you can get, lecture 300 med students at a time. Interact daily with senior pathologists, have four PhD students, meet high power government execs and responsible for a large health budget.
I was so terrified of coming out. I was going to lose everything, family, career, had no friends so that wasn't an issue.
Biggest waste of emotion I have ever had. :laugh:
I'm more respected, I'm loved, I chair high power meetings with ease, I'm far more effective than before. My wife loves me, my family loves me, my BF loves me.
I lost nothing except fear.
Now I am a very happy successful woman who doesn't have enough time in her life to fit everything in.
I was terrified of going to a therapist - a doddle, been FT for two years and I did that by walking into work on a Monday as Cindy after telling my staff on the Friday.
There nothing to fear except fear itself, and we all know the alternative to facing up to being TG, depression, substance abuse and misery.
Arrange to see a therapist is my advice.
Yes there will be tough times, there will be tears, there will be regrets.
But there will be a life worth living.
The tipping point? When I realised that I either had to be myself or book my own funeral...
Some that 'endure' do so only because they think they have no other choice - which is not a life.
I worried what others would think.. I still have all the family and friends I had before, plus a whole lot more. I've been loved for who I am..
A palliative nurse recorded the most common regrets of the dying and put her findings into a book called "The Top Five Regrets of The Dying."
1.I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
"This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it."
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
"Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."
full article:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/03/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying_n_3640593.html
Clare
You sound like a very loving and self aware person. You also sound like someone who thinks before acting and will normally do everything in their power to avoid hurting others. These are all admirable qualities.
However I would like to suggest the following possibilities. Without starting the journey, working with a therapist, employing various strategies to better express yourself you may be getting ahead of yourself in already being concerned re the impact on others of just one scenario or endpoint on the journey which is now open to you.
Debussy's post is powerful. Having been in a palliative care ward because a medical bed was not available I can attest to the pain felt by those who have lived their life according to the expectations of others. Don't reject the possibility of a fully expressed and powerful life. A human life is precious.
Like you I was terrified that once I started hrt etc that I would be on an express train to a full transition. I avoided taking the train for far too long. Quite unexpectedly I found that when I did board the train that this was not the case. I was on a journey but it was a journey which was that of a non gender binary, and it has enriched my life and my relationships far beyond what I thought possible, and there has been minimal impact on my family once I realised that complete, timely and entirely honest communication was required to ensure that my wife knew exactly where my spirit and my head was at a given point in time.
Debussy, no matter what you decide - not to travel, or to travel to a non binary or to a binary destination I suggest you seek a respected gender therapist. The many wonderful folk on Susans will then be here to provide you with support, advice and a friendly ear. I wish you well.
Safe travels
Aisla
Hi Clare,
Before seeing this thread I had just posted this https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,165274.msg1429295.html#msg1429295 on the thread "My wife wants out.."
I think it is very relevant to your situation which is very similar to my own several years ago. Hope the story related helps you perceive how you might find a path forward that meets your requirements ie. allow you to be yourself without destroying everything else that counts for you.
Warm regards and best of luck.
Donna
Hi Clare.
I was just about to fall into my old habit of suggesting what you should do, in an attempt to shield you from some of the intermediate pain that I have experienced. There has always been a tendency on my part (and perhaps others) to suggest a solution that is based on my experience – and perhaps in this case to validate my own decision to transition. In reality, in spite of reams of statistics and insight from those who have related their experience, all we have to offer you is our own experience, and suggest that you take it for what it is.
For me, the tipping point was a period of deep depression that was so intense that I cut myself off from everyone and became physically ill. I resigned from my job and rented a room in a motel, telling no one where I had gone. Like you, I felt terrible about how my transitioning might affect others. But I began to realize that my state of being was just as bad if not worse. I finally sought help, and gradually came to realize what was best for me.
On balance, I do not regret my decision. I say on balance – there are people I miss and friendships that did not survive. Moving to a new location and living in stealth mode had made my life easier, but there are those trade-offs.
What is my suggestion to you? Honestly, apart from your speaking with a qualified therapist I have none. Perhaps there are those who successfully bear up and never transition. And maybe we don't gather statistics about them because they never acknowledge who they are. So all I can share it my story and what has worked relatively well for me. I hope that wherever your journey might lead you, you can find peace.
Your story rings loud and true for alot of us .I too have family and worries but when it all came down to being true to myself it just felt right for me. When the need relaxes the fear monster you will go on with one eye on inter girl and one on reactions of others .. You don,t have to earn the right to be what you are .You just have to balance harm versus out come .. You will loose some along the way and find the people you most fear will be best friend .. Its scary as hell but if you never take the plunge you will never me the YOU . This is ONLY MY VIEW and your living it. We are here for each other so go do whats right for you and your loved ones .AKA Sara ( ps my neighbors are like what the ??)
Reading your beautiful words has given me hope and brought me to tears. I so much appreciate your honesty and willingness to share what is so personal. Our stories may be different but I identify with the feelings of each of you. Donna, thank you for the hope you have passed my way. And Annie, thank you for reminding me that this may be more than I can control or handle by myself.
I love you all!