I'm in a hurry right now but I discovered this new forum, and want to post ;-)
I decided not to physically transition more than 20 yrs ago, though I'm socially out and go with male pronouns (apart from work). I don't pass at all and get read as a butch lesbian mostly, though I date only men.
It's up and down with that decision, and I'm often afraid that I missed my life. I feel like I'm stagnating. But my reasons for not transitioning are still valid, and I don't see myself taking that step in the near future.
Others in the same situation?
Hey Bunter,
I'm new to this site and this is my first interaction on it. I'm considering non-transitioning. I'm in my early 20s, and though I'm aware of being transgendered, I don't think I will ever transition.
I'm curious about your reasons for non-transitioning. My reasons range from financial to social but I figure the more I learn from others like me, the better off I am.
Yes. I'm not transitioning. Basically, I'm all about natural health and taking HRT and doing surgery goes against my personal instincts with regard to my own body (if someone could wave a magic wand over me, that would be different). I also never wanted to basically destroy and have to rebuild my life, career, etc. I know it's not like that for everyone, but on all other aspects of my life I'm happy, so why ruin that? And lastly, and really most importantly, I don't feel I need to DO anything to be myself. I'm not suicidal or anything over my body. I don't think it's perfect and it certainly doesn't match up with my brain but I've found my own personal ways to deal with dysphoria. I just don't feel the need to change myself and go through everything that transition is just so it's more apparent to other people what my gender might be.
Bunter
I am continually changing, aka transitioning, but have found myself in a place which I hadn't envisaged when I started this journey. I certainly thought that with ffs, hrt etc that I would transition mtf but as I became more and more androgynous I identified more and more as non binary. I am now at the point, after 4 years of hrt, that I feel so much more comfortable mta that I no longer feel the need or benefit in continuing to transition to mtf :)
Aisla
I guess you can can put me in the 30 years of non-transitioning camp. In my 20's I twice experimented with transitioning. Twice I concluded I wasn't up to the challenge of being a target for the remainder of my life after having spent a good part of it as one already. At 6 ft tall, rapidly balding, and a few other physical things going way against me there was no way I could even think of passing. Just trying to be a barely acceptable guy was going to be hard enough.
I tried living as much as I could as a "Normal" guy. That had it's ups and downs. Overall it was a great time. But the dysphoria was always there haunting me in the background. Cross-dressing helped but still, there was always that slightly regretful unfulfilled wish. There were also the few odd major catastrophes in my life which I eventually came to recognize as having been the result of being trans and how poorly I was dealing with it.
The last disaster totally rocked me to my foundations. Everything that defined me and gave me at least some joy was gone. Eating and drinking myself to death wasn't working. The long awaited life review did. I started making changes in how I handled being trans and saw positive results.
By far the absolute best for me has been to finally loose a lot of the inherent shame and guilt which pretty much killed all my self acceptance and self worth. I am happy being me now and can see joy in life. A big part of seeing that joy I am finding is seeing Joanne everyday and making sure my hormones are in check. I currently present almost exclusively as male outside the home right now though that was not always the case. Just necessitated by a move back to the epicenter of closed mindedness and hate called New Jersey.
I keep trying to maintain that fine balance without having to fully transition. There are the easy stretches of weeks and months. There are also the bumpy roads that last days to a week. (Which is far better then the weeks or months they were).
I feel I do know where my true joy lies. However I still fear the consequences of that risk...at this point in time. In another year or so I hope my situation changes enough that I can follow my joy.
Kate
Still gendered as male. With low dose hrt you can minimise physical changes. Ativan and many others on Susans vary their hrt dosages with endo approval to achieve the desired physical and emotional result. Although ymmv the only significant problem was addressed by a bilateral breast reduction and Frankly I probably could have avoided this procedure if I had been a little more carefull. Given my rather large physique 6feet 215lbs I asked my ffs surgeon (Dr Z) to achieve a more androgynous result, which he did.
I think that most people take gender cues from clothes, hair, eyebrows, nails, mannerisms, facial hair and voice. At work I have never been questioned although I have had to re tailor my pants as weight has been redistributed and also have had to wear a t shirt and a thicker business shirt to not reveal anything more than what appears to be a little man boob.
Of course if I was practicing more than an androgynous appearance socially then cues such as eyebrow shaping, nails and haircut could see me male fail. What is surprising is that I have spent 3 hrs per week for more than a year having galvanic electro on my face - which is a little brutal. But scheduling it for late Friday PM means that on Monday there has been little evidence. Certainly no one has mentioned my disappearing beard, perhaps because the lighter hairs were removed first.
It may become a little more challenging as I now wish to grow my hair but I guess that I will soon find out. Won't combine this with pierced ears as again I suspect that alarms may ring. Note that I have not tried to lose weight which could also accentuate the above changes.
Hope this helps
Aisla
Thank you everybody, for your replies.
Escher- my main reason is health issues and a strong aversion to surgery. My anatomy is such that I couldn't live with only hormones but without surgery and still pass. I'm also afraid of entering a physical gender limbo because I have been heavily bullied all through childhood and young adulthood because of my gender weirdness and body. I don't think I can go through that again. I have other reasons, but I think it's not important why you don't transition. In the end it's a gut decision, you don't even have to give a reason. Everybody needs to make that decision for themselves.
Aisla- The thing about ftm transition is that you can't really take low dose hormones without having visible physical effects like beard or voice change. So the surgery issue would crop up as soon as I started hormones, that's why don't even take hormones. I sometimes envy you trans women and mtf :/
JoanneB- I can relate that you don't transition because you feel you won't pass too well and live in a hateful environment. I have always envied the trans guys who only need a bit of testosterone to pass perfectly and look really attractive, too. At the moment, I work in a place that is not that trans friendly, so I keep my head low. It's really draining.
I'd like to hear from you guys what ways you have found to deal with those problems that *never go away*.
Like always being mis-read- not only wrong gender, but wrong sexuality and social group/socialisation. Or being somewhat isolated from your environment, because coming out is so awkward when you don't plan to transition. People thinking you slightly eccentric, and how to deal with that. And all other kinds of stuff-- maybe we can compile a list :D
Quote from: Bunter on June 02, 2014, 05:41:49 AM
I'd like to hear from you guys what ways you have found to deal with those problems that *never go away*.
Like always being mis-read- not only wrong gender, but wrong sexuality and social group/socialisation. Or being somewhat isolated from your environment, because coming out is so awkward when you don't plan to transition. People thinking you slightly eccentric, and how to deal with that. And all other kinds of stuff-- maybe we can compile a list :D
Definitely look through the older threads on this non-transitioning board as some of topics related to this might have been covered.
Also, I'd recommend experimenting with different things to find what makes YOU feel more comfortable in your own skin without hormones/surgery/transition. Some of the things that have worked for me are:
1. Exercise. Being more muscular definitely can be a confidence boost.
2. Wearing male underwear and other clothing.
3. Wearing a binder.
4. Sometimes using a packer (as silly as it sounds, wearing it to bed made me feel comfortable)
5. Having a couple very close friends that I'm "out" to and who accept me as male.
For me, being androgynous works. It's reflects myself better than trying to be one thing over the other. I don't put on an act anymore around anyone (for instance, I don't try to act more female around other females). I think I've gained more people's respect simply by being myself than I ever did when I was younger and trying so hard put up some front. My maleness doesn't go away when someone addresses me by my birth name or if I have to put "F" down on a legal form. I seem to be almost twice the age of a lot of guys here though so I've got a cool career, and hobbies, and those friends who know. I've got a lot of other crap worked out in my life by this point so gender isn't as big as an issue as it was when I was 20 and going through a pile of other stuff on top of my gender issues.
Quote from: insideontheoutside on June 02, 2014, 11:23:15 PM
Definitely look through the older threads on this non-transitioning board as some of topics related to this might have been covered.
Also, I'd recommend experimenting with different things to find what makes YOU feel more comfortable in your own skin without hormones/surgery/transition. Some of the things that have worked for me are:
1. Exercise. Being more muscular definitely can be a confidence boost.
2. Wearing male underwear and other clothing.
3. Wearing a binder.
4. Sometimes using a packer (as silly as it sounds, wearing it to bed made me feel comfortable)
5. Having a couple very close friends that I'm "out" to and who accept me as male.
For me, being androgynous works. It's reflects myself better than trying to be one thing over the other. I don't put on an act anymore around anyone (for instance, I don't try to act more female around other females). I think I've gained more people's respect simply by being myself than I ever did when I was younger and trying so hard put up some front. My maleness doesn't go away when someone addresses me by my birth name or if I have to put "F" down on a legal form. I seem to be almost twice the age of a lot of guys here though so I've got a cool career, and hobbies, and those friends who know. I've got a lot of other crap worked out in my life by this point so gender isn't as big as an issue as it was when I was 20 and going through a pile of other stuff on top of my gender issues.
Hi and thank you for your reply. I'll check out the older threads.
I'd doing most of the things you wrote, too. I'd also say that I'm pretty cool with me being trans and all that after 20 years or more of being out.
I'm curious about two things-
are you out in your relationship, and how does your partner relate to you being trans? I stopped dating straight men after I came out. I'm not sure that was a good idea.
How do you manage to behave masculine when you relate to women, and not raise their anger? The older I get, the more pressure there seems to be about behaving like a women- and it all comes from women. They even sometimes talk to me on the street and if I don't give those "women-answers" I get angry looks. I had to read books to understand what they want from me (stereotypical women stuff following, not intended as misogynistic)- like: woman telling me about her ailments, expecting me to share my own, and "mother" her. When I don't, woman gets pissed off.
The older I get, the more I realize my differences, and it exhausts me. I feel pretty isolated everywhere I go, when it comes to gender.
(Straight women- nope, straight men- nope, lesbians- nope, gay men- much better but difficult because of the body thing.)
QuoteHow do you manage to behave masculine when you relate to women, and not raise their anger? The older I get, the more pressure there seems to be about behaving like a women- and it all comes from women. They even sometimes talk to me on the street and if I don't give those "women-answers" I get angry looks. I had to read books to understand what they want from me (stereotypical women stuff following, not intended as misogynistic)- like: woman telling me about her ailments, expecting me to share my own, and "mother" her. When I don't, woman gets pissed off.
I haven't met many women who get angry if I don't act like a stereotypical woman around them. Sure, maybe I won't become BFFs and join their cliché without acting like them, but most women don't think much about it. Any angry looks I get from women is when I am rude to them or I am over thinking their reaction. :)
It could also be because I live in a LGBT-friendly part of the country though and many women (especially around my age group 20s-30s) around here are accustomed to the idea of butch women or even transguys.
Quote from: Bunter on June 04, 2014, 11:54:27 PM
Hi and thank you for your reply. I'll check out the older threads.
I'd doing most of the things you wrote, too. I'd also say that I'm pretty cool with me being trans and all that after 20 years or more of being out.
I'm curious about two things-
are you out in your relationship, and how does your partner relate to you being trans? I stopped dating straight men after I came out. I'm not sure that was a good idea.
How do you manage to behave masculine when you relate to women, and not raise their anger? The older I get, the more pressure there seems to be about behaving like a women- and it all comes from women. They even sometimes talk to me on the street and if I don't give those "women-answers" I get angry looks. I had to read books to understand what they want from me (stereotypical women stuff following, not intended as misogynistic)- like: woman telling me about her ailments, expecting me to share my own, and "mother" her. When I don't, woman gets pissed off.
The older I get, the more I realize my differences, and it exhausts me. I feel pretty isolated everywhere I go, when it comes to gender.
(Straight women- nope, straight men- nope, lesbians- nope, gay men- much better but difficult because of the body thing.)
The words I grew to totally hate hearing... "You are not like other guys..." Dark clouds and lightning have nothing on them when it comes to foreboding. What women think what they want from a "Man" and what they really want, IMHO, tend to be different. But I am not bitter. Being a shy introvert finding love is not easy. So yes, I have a small sample to base my opinion on. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice....
Yet, being the consummate chameleon that I am, I can report back that from the vast sampling of "real men" I know, life isn't any easier.
How do I manage? Hard to say. I am in a 30 plus year relationship with my wife. Dealing with "Gender" roles and expectations has not been easy for either of us. I think we have survived because we do realize realize we are human, thus flawed. No matter how perfect (at the time) we think we are.
In our case totally mixed signals are often the norm. It cannot be helped I think. Bottom line, at the end of the day we are all human, with all the same foibles, weaknesses, fears, insecurities. At times we need the other to do some of the heavy lifting. Other times we need to do it. No one can be all things at at all times.
Perhaps that is the secret?
Quote from: Nimrata (aka LH) on June 05, 2014, 12:31:15 AM
I haven't met many women who get angry if I don't act like a stereotypical woman around them. Sure, maybe I won't become BFFs and join their cliché without acting like them, but most women don't think much about it. Any angry looks I get from women is when I am rude to them or I am over thinking their reaction. :)
It could also be because I live in a LGBT-friendly part of the country though and many women (especially around my age group 20s-30s) around here are accustomed to the idea of butch women or even transguys.
I have been partially male socialized because I've lived in all male environments for many years, since my early teens. I have real problems to adapt to female social behavior. Most butch women I know have masculine gender expression (movements, hobbies, dress etc) but are still female socialized (group behavior, talking about emotions, or what have you ;-) I don't mean to get heavy on the stereotyping here, but the social behavior in groups and so on is very different. Compare lesbian community with gay male community for example, very different social behavior)
It's difficult to adapt, or rather, I don't want to adapt anymore. I find it really exhausting to pretend I belong, when I don't really understand them
QuoteThe words I grew to totally hate hearing... "You are not like other guys..."
I heard that a lot from male partners (only the other way around), and it was actually a compliment. They were relieved that I was more like them and not like those "mysterious women". But in everyday life, it's become a real problem.
In my teens and tweens gender groups were more mixed, because people wanted to meet dates. But the older you get, the more the genders separate again. Most cis people enjoy that. But that is a huge social obstacle for me. I've been to family gatherings where there were literally two groups, male and female, and I didn't know where I should go. The same with LGBT events, they are 100% gender segregated.
At my age it just looks really strange when I try to enter an all-male group, if you get what I mean. It would be much more tolerated if I were 19, either because I would be regarded as a potential date, or because I would still fall under the tomboy category.
When I hang out with men now, their girlfriends and wives freak out.
Quote from: Bunter on June 04, 2014, 11:54:27 PM
I'm curious about two things-
are you out in your relationship, and how does your partner relate to you being trans? I stopped dating straight men after I came out. I'm not sure that was a good idea.
How do you manage to behave masculine when you relate to women, and not raise their anger? The older I get, the more pressure there seems to be about behaving like a women- and it all comes from women. They even sometimes talk to me on the street and if I don't give those "women-answers" I get angry looks. I had to read books to understand what they want from me (stereotypical women stuff following, not intended as misogynistic)- like: woman telling me about her ailments, expecting me to share my own, and "mother" her. When I don't, woman gets pissed off.
The older I get, the more I realize my differences, and it exhausts me. I feel pretty isolated everywhere I go, when it comes to gender.
(Straight women- nope, straight men- nope, lesbians- nope, gay men- much better but difficult because of the body thing.)
Yes I'm married ... to a guy. And I'm "out". He happens to be legitimately asexual so it works out pretty well (while I consider myself bisexual, there's only certain things I'd do with another guy). He doesn't 100% "get" my situation though. Plenty of times when we're by ourselves he'll still refer to me as female. Either way, my relationship probably isn't the best example ;)
I'm also pretty much an introvert. I have a few close friends, some of them are women who have known me a very long time (and only a couple know my "secret" of being trans), so they accept me as-is. Like I said, I don't put on any kind of act any more regardless of the gender of the people I may be around. I never liked to be around groups of women. It made me very uncomfortable because they would assume I was one of them and how they interact with one another is pretty foreign to me. I don't think I've really run into an anger reaction though. More like they would just think I was weird or something. Probably because I am an introvert and I will typically avoid social situations, groups, etc. that it probably doesn't bother me as much. I do find it exhausting sometimes just dealing with anyone in a social situation for an extended period of time, especially if something has gotten awkward. But the older I've gotten, the more confidant I am about being myself and I have no qualms about letting a woman know I can't relate to whatever it is she's talking about (like literally saying things like, "I have no idea what you mean. I've never experienced that, so I don't know.", etc.). My only advice on that front would be to cultivate the confidence to be yourself, regardless. The "act" as you put it, gets really tiresome and I'm sure is adding to this feeling. When I dropped my act, I found out that a lot of people accepted me (granted I'm not out as trans to 99% of people I interact with but there's really nothing about me that's female in the way of mannerisms, etc ... I wear male or very androgynous clothing ... I would say I socialize more like a male ... I have a confidence about me and I'm not afraid to show that). I'm sure the fact that I'm not looking to date anyway, or gain a lot of new friends plays into this too.
Quote from: insideontheoutside on June 21, 2014, 12:44:53 AM
Yes I'm married ... to a guy. And I'm "out". He happens to be legitimately asexual so it works out pretty well (while I consider myself bisexual, there's only certain things I'd do with another guy). He doesn't 100% "get" my situation though. Plenty of times when we're by ourselves he'll still refer to me as female. Either way, my relationship probably isn't the best example ;)
I'm also pretty much an introvert. I have a few close friends, some of them are women who have known me a very long time (and only a couple know my "secret" of being trans), so they accept me as-is. Like I said, I don't put on any kind of act any more regardless of the gender of the people I may be around. I never liked to be around groups of women. It made me very uncomfortable because they would assume I was one of them and how they interact with one another is pretty foreign to me. I don't think I've really run into an anger reaction though. More like they would just think I was weird or something. Probably because I am an introvert and I will typically avoid social situations, groups, etc. that it probably doesn't bother me as much. I do find it exhausting sometimes just dealing with anyone in a social situation for an extended period of time, especially if something has gotten awkward. But the older I've gotten, the more confidant I am about being myself and I have no qualms about letting a woman know I can't relate to whatever it is she's talking about (like literally saying things like, "I have no idea what you mean. I've never experienced that, so I don't know.", etc.). My only advice on that front would be to cultivate the confidence to be yourself, regardless. The "act" as you put it, gets really tiresome and I'm sure is adding to this feeling. When I dropped my act, I found out that a lot of people accepted me (granted I'm not out as trans to 99% of people I interact with but there's really nothing about me that's female in the way of mannerisms, etc ... I wear male or very androgynous clothing ... I would say I socialize more like a male ... I have a confidence about me and I'm not afraid to show that). I'm sure the fact that I'm not looking to date anyway, or gain a lot of new friends plays into this too.
Hm, that's interesting.
I'm not really introvert. So it costs me a lot to stay away from people and keep my mouth shut.
Oftentimes though that gets read as impolite, maybe because people know I'm not shy. As I wrote, it's mostly work situation that bother me.
If I were to "drop my act", I would be very obviously very different. I know I have done that in the past-- don't get me started on that all-lesbian birthday party ^^ I assumed, because people were queer I could be myself and make conversation like I'm used to in all-male (mostly all-gay) groups. You could hear a needle drop.
While it's funny to recall these situations- it's actually pretty painful. Being "the only one", even in a room full of butch lesbians is pretty tough.
It's like being back in school, when I was the official freak. With the girls because of my behavior, and with the boys because I'm not physically a boy.
It wears me out to be be back where I stared.
Quote from: Bunter on June 28, 2014, 04:03:40 PM
Hm, that's interesting.
I'm not really introvert. So it costs me a lot to stay away from people and keep my mouth shut.
Oftentimes though that gets read as impolite, maybe because people know I'm not shy. As I wrote, it's mostly work situation that bother me.
If I were to "drop my act", I would be very obviously very different. I know I have done that in the past-- don't get me started on that all-lesbian birthday party ^^ I assumed, because people were queer I could be myself and make conversation like I'm used to in all-male (mostly all-gay) groups. You could hear a needle drop.
While it's funny to recall these situations- it's actually pretty painful. Being "the only one", even in a room full of butch lesbians is pretty tough.
It's like being back in school, when I was the official freak. With the girls because of my behavior, and with the boys because I'm not physically a boy.
It wears me out to be be back where I stared.
I've run into my share of "angry lesbians". But those really aren't the type of people I'd like to hang out with or try to become friends with anyway. I do have one friend who identified as lesbian for years but now just identifies as queer. I also got along with her just fine. No matter what someone's sexual orientation or gender ID, it comes down to chemistry and whether or not you get along with them (or want to) as a person. It sounds like you're trying/have tried to hang with different groups, and have gotten mixed or bad results. I don't have any really good advice there other than to keep trying with different people.
With the work situation, I think as a non-transitioner, you end up basically just doing what you have to do (sounds like your work would not be a friendly environment if they knew you were trans, used male pronouns, etc.)? Plenty of people are in jobs they don't particularly like or they're not doing what they want to do, you just have an extra layer on there with the gender stuff. But a job is only part of your day/life.
On the dating front, since you're into guys (correct?) that might be a little tough. Straight "cisgender" guys are going to want to treat you like a woman and while it's not outside of the realm of possibility to find one that will treat you male, it probably won't be easy (like I said, my other half still refers to me as female). Gay guys are going to want someone who presents as male. Again, there might be a tiny percentage who will accept you as male but it's not going to be easy. I know that's not very helpful either but it seems to be what I've observed most personally.
Perhaps a change in perspective ... instead of thinking of yourself as "the only one", "the freak", or "back where you started", take small steps to change how you think about your situation. You could "own" that you're different. Yes, that is another way of dropping an act, but if it didn't help me out so much to start down that path I wouldn't mention it a second time. The people who became my friends are the ones who accepted me as-is. And when I started to see myself differently and take ownership in the fact that I am different I slowly started to feel more comfortable and confident around other people, regardless of whether they were potential friends or what.
It isn't easy having an outward appearance that differs from who you are, how you interact with people, you mannerisms, etc. It's probably one of the main reasons most people transition. But for me, I just really don't feel like I have to change myself physically to fit other people's notions of gender or how to deal with me.
Quote from: Bunter on May 18, 2014, 03:11:27 AM
I'm in a hurry right now but I discovered this new forum, and want to post ;-)
I decided not to physically transition more than 20 yrs ago, though I'm socially out and go with male pronouns (apart from work). I don't pass at all and get read as a butch lesbian mostly, though I date only men.
It's up and down with that decision, and I'm often afraid that I missed my life. I feel like I'm stagnating. But my reasons for not transitioning are still valid, and I don't see myself taking that step in the near future.
Others in the same situation?
Howdy!! As a fellow non transitioning FTM (in mind I guess) I can identify with you. I have realized what was "different" about me about 13.. But as a child I was a tomboy.. I hated femme clothes. and called myself a "baby boy puppy" (I guess thats easier than just a baby boy??) Its hard.. Because as a male mind and female body you often get id'ed as "butch lesbian" or whatnot. I am in a LTR with my bf whom of which, before me, identified as gay... LOL confusing, right? Its hard to have urges that your body does not allow, and its a bit depressing at times.. But if you can make something workable (like myself) it can lead to healthy lifestyles still. He knows I am basically a "gay man" inside the body of a woman.. and a lot of my fantasies are and have always been about doing things with/to men that typically only other men could/would.. LOL. I maintain and identify as a female (only have 'come out' to less than 8 people.) But I think people have an idea.. because heterosexual women and gay men tend to crush on me quite frequently... and not be sure why... and all my strictly heterosexual boyfriends tend to end up becoming bi curious after me.. WHOOPS! (all but my current bf had not been told about my "secret") Just stay positive and comfortable with what you decide. I sometimes feel I was gypped on a 'real' life.. But I look at what I have, and put that thought away whenever I look at my almost 8yr old son and realize that if I was born a gay man, as I feel I was meant to be, I would have never met this adorable and simply amazing person... Sometimes life is just funny like that.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv288%2FNo_one_important%2F2014-06-30-101652_zpsd84f1697.jpg&hash=3811f31bd25034bcb661cc11a95e9b3748dbbce5)
en................
Welcome to SP Mango, thanks for joining in the discussion.
Quote from: Nimrata (aka LH) on June 30, 2014, 01:20:10 PM
Welcome to SP Mango, thanks for joining in the discussion.
TY.. I was a member in like 2011 with the same name.. but I guess it got deactivated.. :D Regardless.. Salutations!
Quote from: insideontheoutside on May 24, 2014, 08:28:58 PM
Yes. I'm not transitioning. Basically, I'm all about natural health and taking HRT and doing surgery goes against my personal instincts with regard to my own body (if someone could wave a magic wand over me, that would be different). I also never wanted to basically destroy and have to rebuild my life, career, etc. I know it's not like that for everyone, but on all other aspects of my life I'm happy, so why ruin that? And lastly, and really most importantly, I don't feel I need to DO anything to be myself. I'm not suicidal or anything over my body. I don't think it's perfect and it certainly doesn't match up with my brain but I've found my own personal ways to deal with dysphoria. I just don't feel the need to change myself and go through everything that transition is just so it's more apparent to other people what my gender might be.
I can relate almost completely, except I wouldn't change anything about my body even if given the chance to do so quickly and painlessly. I'm put off by the idea of doing anything permanent.
insideontheoutside-
"With the work situation, I think as a non-transitioner, you end up basically just doing what you have to do"
My job situations are somewhat informal, so that other people there can pretty much be themselves. That makes it more difficult.
I don't have many problems on the dating or friend front (I'm generally out with friends and dates), it's really work and other professional situations that worries me. I work a lot and spend most of my time there, so having problems with social integration also affects my career, and my general well-being.
Quote from: _mango_ on June 30, 2014, 12:14:11 PM
Howdy!! As a fellow non transitioning FTM (in mind I guess) I can identify with you. I have realized what was "different" about me about 13.. But as a child I was a tomboy.. I hated femme clothes. and called myself a "baby boy puppy" (I guess thats easier than just a baby boy??) Its hard.. Because as a male mind and female body you often get id'ed as "butch lesbian" or whatnot. I am in a LTR with my bf whom of which, before me, identified as gay... LOL confusing, right? Its hard to have urges that your body does not allow, and its a bit depressing at times.. But if you can make something workable (like myself) it can lead to healthy lifestyles still. He knows I am basically a "gay man" inside the body of a woman.. and a lot of my fantasies are and have always been about doing things with/to men that typically only other men could/would.. LOL. I maintain and identify as a female (only have 'come out' to less than 8 people.) But I think people have an idea.. because heterosexual women and gay men tend to crush on me quite frequently... and not be sure why... and all my strictly heterosexual boyfriends tend to end up becoming bi curious after me.. WHOOPS! (all but my current bf had not been told about my "secret") Just stay positive and comfortable with what you decide. I sometimes feel I was gypped on a 'real' life.. But I look at what I have, and put that thought away whenever I look at my almost 8yr old son and realize that if I was born a gay man, as I feel I was meant to be, I would have never met this adorable and simply amazing person... Sometimes life is just funny like that.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv288%2FNo_one_important%2F2014-06-30-101652_zpsd84f1697.jpg&hash=3811f31bd25034bcb661cc11a95e9b3748dbbce5)
en................
Mango, great to meet you! Seems like we have similar stories- I've also dated gay men, or men who turned out to be queer.
Quote from: Bunter on July 01, 2014, 06:29:32 AM
Mango, great to meet you! Seems like we have similar stories- I've also dated gay men, or men who turned out to be queer.
Thanks, Likewise!
Its hard to be a true FTM mindset dating straight guys.. I think even the ones that I did not tell sensed it in me.. Because I honestly do give off "bro" vibes... Even when I am wearing "girl" clothes. (my straight "buds" call me dude and bro.. Even tho I am still (in the open) identifying as female... And dating me is "weird" in their mind... because-- well I am like one of the guys to them.. Even if they don't understand why. LOL.)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv288%2FNo_one_important%2F2014-07-01-135650_zps0d8e51df.jpg&hash=4c5736fd801f2e91332e47423e47e7fa4276fec9)
This is why I don't get surprised when I attract either closet bi or gay men more than guys who are obviously strictly hetero. My vibes and the way I present myself and behave tends to stump most guys..
My current bf came into my life as a "gay" buddy... And he kept telling me he didn't know why but he had an intense attraction to me. That was three years ago. I told him my theory.. and it was an odd time for awhile... But... He and I just celebrated 2 year anniversary on the 2nd...
Anyways, when I date a guy who is "straight" I often find, after I have left them.. that they have engaged or became curious in homoerotic activities or just plainly came out as bi.. I feel sort of badly because my current BF is the only one I told about "myself" that I have been with.. And although he claims me as his girlfriend and is attracted to my feminine traits (body parts, shape, etc) he still knows that I am not a 'typical' relationship by any means.. Even though on the outside we can make it appear so. :) So I can't help but think maybe I confused the other fellas... :/
If anything, I am like the best of both worlds in my opinion.. I can be girly and cute like a chick.. (RARE/ BUT I MAY) or I can fart, play xbox, and make dirty jokes while tossing back a beer like a guy..