My husband came out to me a few years ago before we were to be engaged. It shook our relationship and we called off our engagement for a while. He then came to me and said they were just thoughts and they were gone. I believed him and we continued our engagement and got married a year later. We'll have been married for 3 years this October. He came out to me again last week. This time with the ultimate decision to transition no matter what. I was so devastatingly heart broken. The man I fell in love with and the man that I said my vows to wanting to become a woman. I felt like I should hate him and be angry with him. But I'm not, i'm just incredibly hurt. If he had just been open with me from the start things wouldn't be this hard. I feel like it was all for nothing and the relationship we have doesn't matter. I imagined my future with this man; children, traveling, growing old together. It just feels like its all gone now. I can't be with a woman. I wish I could except him as he is and I am not blaming him at all. But I can't except a woman as a lover. I just can't. But I am trying to make things work. I've agreed to let him go on a low dose of hormones, cross-dress when he is at home, go to support groups, and seeing a therapist. Its going to be hard for me to accept all that in itself, but I am trying. I am really, really trying. I just don't want to lose my husband. We have had such a wonderful marriage, such a happy marriage. My parents love him as a son-in-law. My distant family loves him as in in-law. My grandfather (who very recently passed away) would always tell me it was God that brought me and him together. I know that as hard as it is for me, it is probably harder for him. But I just hope and pray that this new freedom helps him to decide not to fully transition. I don't want to lose him because I love him, I really do.
Its understandable that your struggling, this is not something you expected (even though your spouse did mention it before you married).
Hopefully both of you can work through this, keeping the lines of communication open. Talk about both of your needs. This is something your spouse has probably been struggling with their entire life, you can't be expected to understand without time and information.
It can be survived, but only with total honesty between both of you.
Hello superstacy1,
Welcome to Susan's. You are not alone in your feelings and I am glad you found us. I have no personal experience with an SO and transition but I do know there are many here who have.
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Hi Superstacy,
So sorry to hear of your situation. I am the opposite side of the fence, like your husband. The process of admitting to oneself and then others can be tortuous for all involved.
I imagine two kinds of spouse, the soul mate who sees the physical package as unimportant and the partner who is invested equally intellectually and physically in their spouse. Some of us I am sure hope for the former, for someone to love us as we take the steps that are 120% necessary to us; but life is not that easy.
Whilst I want to transition with every fibre of my being and every day I delay tears at the core of me; I cannot yet bring myself to say that to my wife, because she is category two and those four words " I need to transition" will destroy my/our life another way. So I hope in vain that she will accept my steps one by one...which tears at her little by little. And I get grumpy, smoke too much or drink little but too often. It is the worst dilemma, no pain free way to a calm, happy life as myself and as a couple. From your description your husband may be similar to me.
For her not to transition may ruin her as a person; for her to transition may as well if she loses you. But while i believe you can rebuild a life after divorce, you can't mend dysphoria without transition.
So what is left is honest and painful talk and like me she may not open up fully for fear. I cannot lie to my wife, but I also physically cannot say some things. From your perspective you can ask for honest answers to hypothetical questions removing yourself from this hypothetical life:
- if I was not here would you transition fully?
- have you ever promised yourself you would be living as a woman by a certain age? I promised myself 17,20,25,30,35 and now 38.
If she cannot answer, tears up or is straightforward it might help you have your answer.
Then it comes down to whether you can adapt or become category one...the soul mate ambivalent about packaging. Or the wife who transitions to best friend and transition supporter and advocate. If neither cap fit, I would look out yourself, consider making a clean and swift cut and move on.
I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear, I am not well qualified to advise so can only project my situation onto yours. If it really doesn't ring true or offends anyone in any way, my sincerest apologies.
Nat
I'm only 26 years old. I've never been married. I've never had anyone I would consider to have a serious relationship before my boyfriend. And...I understand. I understand vaguely how hard this will be for you both. But I also know this much, that if you love your spouse, you can accept this eventually. (I'll call her she as it seems obvious your SO is a MtF based on what you have said.) Love is about long suffering, and caring for someone more than you care for yourself. About being willing to die for them if you really love them more than just a little. I assume that as you are married and profess to love them that you can eventually accept this. I know it's a big step. And I am sure it must be shocking.
You are probably thinking about how she lied to you back then. How she pretended it went away. And lying to your spouse, I can only imagine, is hurtfull. Especially on such a huge issue. And I can see how that must hurt you.And then, you must be hurt that she was never really giving you her true self. Always holding herself back and never really divulging or showing herself.And I can imagine that you might feel that she's stealing your marriage and the happyness, and future happiness. I can see many more, but then my post would take ages.
But also understand your spouses desperation. Those feelings hidden even from you, the person she should have no secrets from. I can imagine her pain too. I don't think she wanted to keep this from you. I can only imagine the pain of keeping this from you. And the pain from the dysphoria wasn't helping. I can sympathize with the daily battle. Trying to repress it. Shoving your inner self and true feelings deep down into your mind and locking them up so tight that you can almost forget they are there. you can never really forget it totally. And each day you lie to yourself is a day you fail to deal with it. And it makes the depression worse. 2 maybe 3 episodes of depression a week is what i've had. Sometimes crying, and missing half a nights sleep or a full one. It varies. Some people feel none, others feel much more. I have no idea where I am on the spectrum. And then there was likely the effort to hide it from you when she probably needed the emotional support. Just hiding depression is hard and not really effective. To be honest, and I can not say, I don't know, nor do I claim to know, this is merely a possibility, but I think she might not have been quite as happy as you, not due to you but these issues.
Anyway. I would suggest marriage counselling. It's all i can think of. Also...This kind of thing doesn't go away, if anything, it gets worse. She'll only feel worse inside if she has to repress it, and it'll take it's own toll on your marriage. There could even end up being resentment issues.
I again say this... I do NOT have any authoirty. This is only my intuition and what I could see happening. I am sure this is hard. And if you think we can't imagine the issues, or mroe specifically me, you should know that people in this forum have faced these issues, or will eventually. And I've already told 2 family members of my own gender issues. I know the awkwardness and fear of telling. I would have a nice long talk and say everything on your mind, holding nothing back.
To paraphrase "The Name of the Wind's Teccam" Secrets of the heart are like stones in your heart. They grow and grow and drag you down. Unlike secrets of the tongue, they don't press to escape and get ot. They grow heavier and heavier and are hard to ever tell. People hoard these secrets in their heart like some twisted treasure. Anyway. I lack any authority or knowledge of your situation other than what you said. this is all my own opinion and suggestions. Feel free to ignore it. I am sorry if any feelings were hurt. :(
Well i have been reading your story for a while and i know how you feel. i fell in love with my girl not knowing at first she was MtF and when we started talking more just before i asked her out she came out with it. i had to think about this. i mean she is awesome and i love her but it did strike me hard but i just thought of this. i loved her for her for the things that i know wont change and if they do they wont change drastically. You getting married to her (i'm saying her for the same reason rayne did) means that you really love her. Maybe you should talk to each other and figure things out. and also take some time to think about it yourself. i'm not the best at this stuff but i do know how you feel and i thought maybe getting a few pointers from someone who use to be in your spot would help. If it didn't i'm sorry.
Welcome to Susan's, Stacy! :)
You and I have very similar stories. I'm really struggling, too. I only found out about my husband's feelings recently, although honestly he first told me last summer, then retracted it like a day later saying he was wrong. Some days I think that I can totally handle this, that my spouse transitioning is just the wrapping paper, that he's still a great person inside and that he isn't doing anything "wrong". On the other hand, I think I can never stay in this marriage, that I'm still young and that I'm giving up on my own life and happiness if I stay with him and maybe resent him or something. I really want to support him in his transition, but I also want him to stay my cute, male, husband. I think that I need to be a better person. Yesterday, he and I argued all day via text message because I need him to be honest with me, and we need honesty for our whole relationship to work anyway, and he says he's afraid to tell me things because he doesn't want me to get upset. We have a lot of rough patches in our past, because I have lots of trust issues anyway, and I struggle with anxiety that causes me to overthink and overanalyze and worry, worry, worry. He is super sensitive and takes every frustration I express as a personal attack. I get frustrated becuase I don't know that love is enough to get through this; I wonder if I will ever be able to see him as her. And, I remind myself that I am forty steps ahead of where he actually is: right now he is experimenting and hasn't even been officially diagnosed, he has yet to go to therapy. Anyway, I hope that we SO's who are not 100% cheerleaders (yet) can reach peace in our own minds and be ok with all of these changes.
Hi Katrinka,
You're beautiful btw so lets get that out of the way :-) I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now, I'm sure it's pure torture. But, be thankfull knowing that there are others, like me, that have absolutely no chance in hell passing for a woman at all, but you can, and DO, unqueastioabetly, if that's even a word.
I'm sorry I can't offer any more advice other than be happy with how beautiful you are and to be strong and decisive with you're decision making I the future.
You're a reason why I continue on, though our situations are quite different.
-Matt Eachon
Superstacy
Your story is not dissimilar to many of our partners. In my case the only way we have moved forward is through a commitment to total honesty with full and timely communication. You, your partner and both of you as a couple should seek support.
It is easy to jump to conclusions early in this process. However you may both discover a deeper love and stronger relationship as you move forward together. In our case while I had initially thought, and told my wife, that I identified as a woman and wished to fully transition, this is not what has happened. Over time I recognised that my identity was non binary. This has meant that while I now present more androgynously my wife and friends still see me as her husband. The fact that I have removed all facial and body hair, taken low dose hrt, had ffs, grown my hair longer and have manicured but not lacquered nails has met my needs and those of my wife.
I am now expressing myself authentically and our relationship has strengthened as we have moved forward together.
Whichever path you choose I wish and your partner all the very best.
Safe travels
Aisla
I think a lot of transpeople do believe at times that they are "over it," that they don't have to transition, that it was all a wild hair and sorry for bringing it up and all that. I don't think it's an issue of dishonesty. It can be terrifying to go forward, especially knowing that to do so could let down loved ones. I spent years trying to force myself to be a woman and I only stopped once it became more painful than just giving in and transitioning. Your spouse is probably doing their best to be authentic and do right by you.
I am the spouse of a transgender woman for essentially some 30 years. She knew I was TG back then, I also thought that I could keep on faking being a guy back then. I actually had a fairly good run at faking it. I also created a LOT of problems for myself, for her and for US in how I was dealing with it.
Back a few years ago when I dropped the T-Bomb she was devastated. She felt betrayed, lied to, saw all our and especially her hopes, wishes and dreams vanish. In many ways I totally and unilaterally redefined our marriage.
Bottom line, you are far from alone in how you feel. It is a shock for a spouse, any spouse, even under what may seem to be optimal circumstances.
The past few years have been a struggle for us both dealing with unknowns. She married a man, likes men and how they make her feel. One of her zingers is "I had the opportunity to marry a woman if I wanted to." She tries her best to support me since she fears the alternative is finding me hanging from a rafter in the garage. I fear the alternative of turning into a lifeless, soulless, zombie again. Perhaps better off dead except I have promises to keep and obligations to live up to.
Thank you everyone for the replies. It just seems like the beginning of a long journey. I'm trying to be loving and supportive but sometimes I get really week and break down. Lots of tears have been shed. From both sides. But I'm trying and I hope it counts for something. I just never in a million years thought I'd be going through this. And maybe If I was raised differently, or maybe if I was just different, things would've been easier.
Quote from: Superstacy00 on June 07, 2014, 10:21:27 AM
And maybe If I was raised differently, or maybe if I was just different, things would've been easier.
I can guarantee that many, many of us have felt exactly this. I'd be willing to bet your partner does, too.
Quote from: Superstacy00 on June 07, 2014, 10:21:27 AM
Thank you everyone for the replies. It just seems like the beginning of a long journey. I'm trying to be loving and supportive but sometimes I get really week and break down. Lots of tears have been shed. From both sides. But I'm trying and I hope it counts for something. I just never in a million years thought I'd be going through this. And maybe If I was raised differently, or maybe if I was just different, things would've been easier.
I don't know if this has been said or not but, one thing you said is, you don't want to lose them because you love them. Well, keep in mind, you aren't losing the person you know and love, they're still there right by you, no matter what form or shape they may be in. To put it another way, let's say they got into an accident which left them somehow able to still walk, talk & function and all in life but their appearance was now so disfigured, you couldn't see the person they used to look like but, by being with that person, you can still see who they always were. Make sense? So, just remember to try you best to be supportive/there for them and also remember, they're still the same person you know and love, just more themselves is all. Hope that helps you both.
For us, your answer is half and half Shana. Rationally, yes. Emotionally, no. I get the analogy, I do. The selfishness to choose to walk away is more apparent in your example than in what we face, but it is exactly the same. This selfishness though, is what puts us into such dire emotional spaces.
No one chooses to have life be this hard. Once you've been with a partner past that point where your investments are in the lifetime range, these choices we make to work at our investments changes the scope of it all. For me, it's the knowing would've given me the option not to have chosen this from the beginning. That very well may have changed the course of my life. Regret not having been given the option. I understand growing up and discovering who you really are as you age. Being married is the bond that finds us working together to try to get the balance just right to stay as a couple.
I am not fond of phrasing it thusly but when our partners say that they are still the same person that they were before but even more themselves, it's simply not true. The idea of it is clear, but in practice it really isn't. Thought processes, considerations are different, behaviours, choices are different. Small things like a change in habit, to visible (yes, superficial) ones like hair removal are intensely apparent to SO's. They change our perception of the person who we now mourn having lost. Being supportive is different for everyone, but each change highlights something that will forever be lost of the person that was.
Then, there is the perception of us, the SO's. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't. Being a supportive wife and staying can mean letting your loved one change from being someone they were not to someone that they are or want to be and we have to change too. (Some of us have to change to live lives as what we aren't.) Leaving makes you even less humane. There is no easy answer.
So, I doubt that I'm making sense anymore but I'm hoping Stacy is having a better time this week and I'll apologize for overrunning her thread.
Sayra,
You have completely hit the nail on the head and I totally thank you for that.
My husband tells me all the time that I'm not losing anything, that nothing is going to change, that everything is the same as it has always been. But I just don't feel that way. I feel like I am mourning. My husband makes me feel guilty for missing the artificial things like the smell of cologne or the what he used to wear... And I've read so many things about how we should love what's inside and not whats on the outside. And I've always loved his personality. Since he has come out to me things have changed. Sometimes I don't recognize this person at all. I am in such a dark place right now. I honestly don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this in real life besides my therapist. I just can't help but feel totally and completely alone. I just don't know what to do anymore.
@Stacy & Sayra: I never said things wouldn't be different. That's why I gave that example. If either of you have ever played Kingdom Hearts 2 and you know about Riku in that game/series then you might better know what I was trying to say. Sure things aren't going to be the same, both emotionally and physically and yes the person on the inside is being more of themselves so things aren't fully the same there but, if you look hard enough, maybe you can see the person you know and love. Either way, it's not going to be easy for anyone and I wish you all the best of luck! Just keep going to the therapist and talking to them about it. Keep hanging in there as much as you can and I really do hope it all works out. Also, sorry I couldn't be of help.
Stacy, I didn't know how badly the isolation made things for me until I asked my husband if I could have my best friend to confide in her to ask for her support back. There was shock, but her concern was ultimately for me. It's good to have a therapist but having someone who knows you without the title of patient or client is immeasureable. Problem is in asking to reveal a dire secret that isn't yours but binds you tighter than any secret might.
Knowing that you and Kat are in the same boat has helped me feel loads less crazy. The SO forums are quiet here, but they are at least not entirely filled with vitriol. Some of the other sites are much more suited to nearly lunatic situations and I know they are there and they make me feels slightly less bad because at least I'm not experiencing what they are. Looking at this chasm that TG has put between us, despite our honesty and love for each other, I am certain that it is better knowing someone, somewhere is standing right next to me feeling how I feel and that it's understood why I feel that way.
I know we will do what needs to be done and just hope that if nothing else, I have a few words that might make this a little less difficult. Hope that you and Kat are having good weeks.
SuperStacy, you and I in so the same place. My spouse has changed so much since February (weight, hair, clothes, voice, friends) I feel like I am on a train that is out of control. He gets so mad at me when I mention what I see (he for now; still hasn't started the official transition and I am holding onto the past as long as I can). I go from ok, to panic, to fear, to anger, to numb. He just doesn't seem to understand that I liked how he looked with a little more "meat" and I liked his sideburns, and I liked his rough jaw skin in the morning. I liked other things, too. He tells me I'm mean, "The meanest person I've ever met," in fact, because I still feel so betrayed and scared and confused and uncertain... and certain about my bottom line. We are seriously lone wolves in this journey. My therapist is pretty much at a loss as what to do with me; she told me to go to the same gender therapist as my husband (who still has not had an appointment). I want us to go together. I'm starting to wonder if I am interested in women, since "he" has ALWAYS been a woman. Maybe I don't know myself. This is like going through some terrible teenage movie or MTV reality series. I hate it. I hate losing my emotions and my mind and my temper. I'm so over it. I told him I want a separation, and he said no. No. I feel trapped. But at the same time, I don't really want to run away. Both situations are terrifying.
Hey Shana, trust me when I say that we understand because we really do! Rationally, that is. We've looked at these faces for years, some of us have for decades. We know that the person is there. They feel no different than they did except they are happier, more free, more themselves. There is NOTHING that would make me happier than to let that person be, but what about me? Then the emotional part kicks in. Every little nuance of our relationship is under threat and any minute difference is noted, catalogued, and filed away. As an SO, life becomes a slideshow of what was and is no longer. We dwell on the changes we see and fear what comes next. Just how it is if you've chosen to stay. When you walk away, you leave with intact memories of what was without constant reminders that it is no longer.
I thank you Shana for your input. When I get the chance to explain here, I can use parts of how I explain how I feel to a stranger to the partner I have devoted my life to without having to scrounge through the muddied feelings for the right words.
Hope you're having a good week too Shana :)
Sayra, if there were a "like" button, I'd press it right now.
Kat, your lone wolf thought is exactly how I felt. Much as the wording has such strong connotations, there are some days when I feel like the right word is, victim.
When we discussed the differing perspectives of what exactly was happening, I felt that this change was a choice in expression, a lifestyle. My husband views this change more like a chronic state. He compared it to terminal cancer. Using that analogy, when I'm upset I feel that leaving is a matter of choice, his or mine, but he sees it as almost abandonment. So, if we stay, we are judged to be "that poor woman" (so very broad in generalizations here...) and if we go, we are judged by the community that supports our loved ones to be heartless (again, generalization). Damned if we do and if we don't. As far as I'm concerned, we lose no matter what choice we make. Can the same be said for our partners? I don't know.
I wish, Kat, that your therapist could be more help. How are your local support groups? Any way that you might be able to re-recruit your best friend to support you? It's so vastly unfair that our partners make a whole new support network when they approach the community, but we are forced into isolation because our partners aren't ready to "come out" yet. I feel like we deserve to have a support system. (My husband reasoned that's what the community SO support groups were for, but that is utterly not the case.) For now, there's me, if you feel the need Kat. You can message me if you'd like.
Separation may not be a bad idea. Space, time are both things you might both need to gain perspective. I understand that I only get to hear your side Kat, but if you guys aren't getting along and you're clearly hurt and angry (meanest person...etc...) why won't he give you that space? (You aren't mean at all. Quite reasonably upset, really.) Maybe not a legal separation, but a weekend to visit someone you really miss?
I don't know what to do. I was a doubtful person going into this relationship; I was married once before and was cheated on, forgave, and used as a cute accessory to someone's career. Since finding out about TG I have become this suspicious person (especially because he came out, then retracted it all within a day a year ago); my spouse then hides what he needs to tell me about herself (and I use the two pronouns purposefuly). I am T.I.R.E.D. of the lying. If you are not being truthful, then you are lyiing. Sorry to be all binary on that, but truth and lie are pretty clear-cut: the nicest person can ease into a lie very tenderly. I love the man I married, but that man does not exist--so now I don't know who I love. I don't love the female version. I don't know her. If I met her at a party, I probably would want to hang out for coffee...not have sexy time. When I met my husband, the guy, I wanted sexy time asap. I am so confused.
QuoteI'm starting to wonder if I am interested in women, since "he" has ALWAYS been a woman. Maybe I don't know myself.
I think many spouses end up having this thought. It is OK to wonder and maybe there is something to it, maybe not. There is nothing wrong with questioning it though.
The confusion and feelings of betrayal are to be expected. I'm just glad that the 3 of you are talking and sharing. going through all this alone would be hellish as it is for transitioning people to go it alone.
The fact that you are talking and working through your own feelings as well as dealing with your SO's issues says a lot about the capacity to love. If things don't work as a married couple, could you see yourselves as good friends with your SO? Sometimes, that is the better solution. Sometimes it is worth all it takes to stay together.
There is nothing wrong with voicing your concerns to your SO. Have them slow down and give you a little time to catch up so to speak. Just don't ask them to slow down and think that is all there is to it, I can guarantee they are waiting (and likely not very patiently) for you. The train ride, with all its hills and valleys, is taking both of you. Sometimes the tracks diverge a bit is all. sometimes they never come back together.
I think the biggest thing is to keep talking to Your SO's and to each other.
You are not alone!
Kat
Congrats on your 10 000th post and it was one of your best. Respect, communication and working through your feelings does help. I wish the OP well. My wife has shown remarkable patience but when I asked her whether she wanted us to separate, she said "no, I choose us, I choose our relationship." This was a huge step because I have changed, but in many ways she says that I am now a much nicer person. Yes I am non binary so my wife has not had to question her sexuality but she has had to question who she married, the basis of her love and whether her dreams can still be pursued.
This thread has been very powerful. It has reminded me that while with each relationship involving a TG spouse there are so many similarities, there are also many differences. Each of our situations differ and it is unhelpful to adopt someone else's story or narrative. We do need to write and to own our own narrative, just as we need to seek, find and travel our own paths. I wish the OP and her partner the very best that life has to offer.
Safe travels
Aisla
Quote from: Aisla on June 11, 2014, 07:27:20 AM
Kat
Congrats on your 10 000th post and it was one of your best.
:embarrassed: Thanks
We as SO's have understanding from a lot of sides. Aisla and LordKAT, are two such supportive voices who let us know it's ok to feel as we do from thier perspective. It's easy to forget the other side of things when we stand so close to our loved ones and feel so very hurt by it all.
Kat, I hear you on the honesty. It's vital, but there are also times when it is important to consider if it is better or worse to hear it all. Your particular situation makes the issues we discuss a bit different. With my husband, after 3 little ones, the attraction to his male presentation is there but we've learned in the past decade to cherish our intimacy and sex is only part of that expression of love. This is absolutely NOT the case for everyone. I think perhaps, that's what is weighing on you this week?
When our loved ones change gender, staying can mean our changing sexual orientation. Now when it sort of isn't by choice but by situation, it's darned scary! When you throw in a partner who is less than forthright, it's scary, hurtful, and creates a perfect storm of self-doubt. Kat, without knowing the other side, it's all I can offer that you both need to do the honest "What are we doing here?" talk. If you aren't able to get there, doubt will always be present. Hope you're able to sort at least a couple points out, Kat.
Its been a while since I've given an update on our situation so I figured I might as well post...
My husband and I had decided on an agreement, or as we called it a "compromise," Where he started low dose hrt but was not going to fully transition and we decided to stay married. This was a very difficult decision for both of us but we agreed that we love each other and understand each others limits. He has been on hrt for a little over a month and we have been talking about kids. We had originally been planning to get pregnant in September (Right around our 3rd Wedding Anniversary) and I guess I really didn't comprehend that if he was on hrt there is no way for us to have children. This has brought up a multitude of painful arguments. And I for one have so many different thoughts going through my head:
1.) Should I leave and let him fully transition? I wish I were strong enough to stay and be okay with it, But I can't. So I am still confused on if I should be the one to leave to let him become what he truly wants to be. I wouldn't be leaving him out of hate but I feel like I would be letting him be free.
2.) Will this "compromise" last forever? Will the low dose hrt be enough to help his dysphoria? Or will it eventually become too hard and I will lose him anyway?
3.) Can we be happy without the children we have been planning on for years now?
And although none of those questions can or will ever be answered we decided to try something else... He decided to give up the hrt for a few months to get me pregnant and to bank sperm if we decide on future children, but I am so scared about his mental state after starting the hrt he has been so happy. I feel so terrible. Like I'm taking away his happiness.... I still feel just as lost as I was when he originally confided in me about his GD.
Superstacy
This really is a journey. No matter how well intentioned and in love that you are, the outcome is uncertain. Certainly with honest, timely and ongoing conversation the relationship will survive even if it morphs into that of friends or separated parents. On the other hand there are many of us for whom a non binary identity best reflects who we are and low dose hrt and minor changes in presentation suffice. I started on this path influenced by much of what I had read so thought that a full transition was inevitable, that it would end our relationship and that it would be traumatic. I have learned that this is not necessarily the case either for me or for many others.
Given the deep love that you have for each other and for your dreams together, I recommend that you take the first steps together and see how it goes. I use game theory when I do not have perfect information. In my experience in the absence of certainty, or where you just don't yet know the right answer, decisions should not be binary (yes/no) when there are other possibilities (pause, do neither etc). Take your time, work the issue and the relationship - the best and the right answer for both you and your family will become clearer over time.
Safe travels
Aisla
Oh Stacy. Those two first questions are ALL I think about. All the time. Every time we argue. I wish we could have answers but it would be unreasonable to expect. Hope that you can do what we're trying, which is not to dwell on the uncertainty of the future, but to live in the good moment of now. Very difficult for us on our bad days, but it's all we can do. Well wishes for this week.
Me too, Stacy and Sayra. I don't hate my husband either, even though I clearly get really frustrated with him, but I have a very hard time seeing things working out if he starts to make dramatic, permanent, physical changes.
I fear for that too. He's told me everytime that he's practical about it. He can see what is acheivable and that he doesn't want surgery but that hormones are under consideration.
Every new change, step towards his goal, I feel is a step away from us. So I often face his changes with a great deal of anxiety. I want desperately to say that I am strong and that we will get through it together, but I struggle with fear, anxiety, overwhelming sense of sadness when he wants more. I know it makes him happy and that perhaps we are the reason he doesn't make the leap. I often think that it really might be easier for him to just get away from us and do what it is that makes him happy without the constraint of reeponsibilities and whatever else we entail for him. (Most especially on the days he is very unhappy and dysphoric.) But there are all these other parts of life that are involved and the uncertainty of what lies ahead is immeasureably weighty. That's why we choose to live in the good moments of now as best we can and face each change as it comes.
Today has been rough. Finals are upon me and he was having a bad day. I'll be honest, I really didn't need to hear that he was having a bad day and then have to sit all day wondering if this is the day he tells me that he's going for it. That is just how I live my life now. I walk on the edge of my world being ok-ish and having it disappear in a flash. Sorry for the rant. It just is not the greatest of days.