Either a friend or a stranger.
Microaggressions are small, subtle yet apparent insults that occur either intentionally or unintentionally and communicate a hidden hostility or disapproval towards someone. They may or may not be aware they are doing this (subconscious) - but the slips happen if you know what to look for.
Two examples that happened to me recently:
First one -- I was out in guy mode with a good friend, a CIS woman we'll call Wendy. She's somewhat aware of my trans proclivities. Anyway we where getting her car diagnosed at a private house garage. They had a golden retriever on the lawn to which we where petting. Wendy asked if it was a boy or a girl, to which the owner replied from inside the garage "girl". Then she said quietly with me there, "oh! so you're his kind of dog". That was a micro-aggression.
Second -- I needed a pair of sharp eyebrow tweezers so I went to a beauty supply store to pick one up. I was dressed in guy mode, hair long (and well moisturized I might add ;)) around my shoulders so I looked like an effeminate andro guy. At the counter to pay - the cashier gal seemed to pause giving me a subtle quick 2nd take. I noticed her robotic rhythm of straight forward scanning the item and finishing the exchange seemed go off track. Like her mind went off course (or she was thinking about something). She hands me my change with seemingly brusque body language then looked away with an aloof look on her face.
These are micro-aggressions.
Sounds a bit the definition of being paranoiac to me...
Sonia
Quote from: BeingSonia on May 22, 2014, 03:14:29 AM
Sounds a bit the definition of being paranoiac to me...
Sonia
Maybe yes, maybe no
maybe that was a micro aggresion too
or maybe we are paranoid after all
meh, of course we are...
It is never paranoia when you know people are out to get you.
Microagression from friends: Never they know if they want to go behind my back, they should do it to my face and I have to be (proverbably) armed. Otherwise I come back at them a lot harder. (The not so microagression is what I'm having trouble with)
Microagression from strangers: Complete strangers I haven't noticed haven't cared. Retail its amazing what a confident friendly I belong here attitude can do. You don't have to be outgoing and confident just friendly, that and with bright red and blonde (blue,pink,purple,black) hair I've probably been getting those looks for a long time
I used to experience this a lot when I had a really busy social life, either by friends, family or even strangers. Since I lead a quieter life nowadays, I have noticed it a lot less. Microaggression is similar to passive-aggressive behavior I find.
Here's an interesting blog post
http://tranarchism.com/2011/03/04/a-day-in-the-life-of-an-angry-transsexual/
"Dealing with microaggression is a bit like standing in a hail storm. Though each individual pellet of ice may sting, no single one on its own can do real damage. But together, they can punch through car wind shields and strip the bark off trees.
Each microaggression impacts the self-worth of an oppressed person, makes them feel invisible, makes them feel uncared for, makes them feel hopeless that anything will ever change. Over time, it all adds up."
I Yeah i get these from freinds even my dad.
When people ask how many children he has. he says "three one of each."
But sometimes they can be a set up for somthing els too.
I Have one freind who made a dog joke about me. but it led into another freind saying "hes only saying it coz he likes it doggy." and the first saying to the second "like you dont?" and then me saying "well your going to have to find bitches without standards."
but yes i get the silence ones too. but that might be the lack off agfession too.
(if you cant say somthing nice, dont say anything at all).
This is a tough one. Am just going to talk about strangers here.
Like I pass, I know for a fact I do.
However, there are still times on public transit where I get those long stares from women. I dress a little differently than a lot of women (I'm scene). And my hair style is edgy and kinda short (its growing).
So I assume they are scoping me out for those reasons. I also do the same to other women all the time!
As far as interactions go between me and other women while shopping or w.e, all seems normal.
So I would try to brush it off and realize that if they do happen to clock you, its them with the problem not you.
And let me tell you some of the women that have scoped me are unattractive and overweight lol. I do believe the odd one of them may be envious lol
Best to just go about ur business and dont give a darn what anybody thinks. Its what I do. If anyone has a problem with me I automatically place them into the loser category lol.
They're not even worth thinking about. Am too happy to ever be brought down by anyone :)
I was thinking of this topic today at work. I'm guilty of these. I don't intend them and they are a symptom of me being distracted by my own mind. Anxiety, depression, deadlines, low blood sugar, stressors... These bring out the worst in me. I become more masculine and really a jerk trying to fix things and patch up my world even if it is not mine. It only takes a minute to gather my wits again but usually by then the damage is done and I feel ever so small.
To any of you who I may have transgressed against I am truly sorry. I am trying my best to be better.
To those who have dropped such slights against me I wish you to know that it is just water under the bridge.
Hmmmmm...my elderly cisfemale neighbour met my best friend once, a stunningly beautiful (and therefore less 'passable') post op MTF who's an airline wide body (big planes) purser when she was wearing her uniform.
My neighbour asked me 'she's a flightattendant??' So I said, 'she's actually a purser'.
My neighbour then said: 'really??Is she allowed to do that kind of job?'
In other words: MTF= a freak who should be hidden from society....
My neighbour is a bit, ehm, feeble minded but I was really annoyed....she didn't even realise how very downputting her remark was.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x805d-nwQI
I guess it's similar :D
Strange thing. I had let a couple from my church know where I live because their daughter lives in the neighborhood. They showed up at my door unexpectedly the day before one of my electrolysis treatments. I wasn't wearing any makeup so the stubble on my face was evident. I don't know if they knew I was trans before that.
They introduced me to their daughter and her family and it was a pleasant occasion.
The next day, they came back to ask whether I knew there was a LGBT group starting up at the church. I was taken aback. I had never discussed being queer with them. I think their hearts were in the right place, but the second visit (not the first) made me feel very uncomfortable.
I'm also getting these long stares from women in public places. I still go out as a guy so it's kinda weird they're staring and it's not like they're interested in me.
If menacing stares are considered microaggressions, then its part of my daily life. Gotta love living in a hispanic town. And to my unimaginable shock ~ the stares come primarily from middle-aged/older women, and not so much from Men. However, when the men give me menacing stares, its almost double or triple as menacing as any of the women, almost like they want to run to their car and pull out their rifle... I literally twist heads sometimes and wonder if they're going to break their neck from how much they swung around to continue their insultingly rude stare-down.
As for friends; lets just say out of the 9/10 friends I had....I only have 1 now because i was sick of their interpretation of how important using the correct pronouns and correct name was to me. Saying that its "no big deal" to out me in freakin' public.
Hah, there's not a thread here at Susan's where someone doesn't experience this from someone else thinking their own stuff doesn't stink. Sometimes it's quite subtle other time's it's total Alpha behavior, it's a fact of life that everyone lives with regardless of whether or not they have some kind of gender issue. What is a real concern is outward naked aggression from either cis-genders which can be emotionally and even physically painful. I don't experience this often probably because I look as though I might be dangerous, but I know most of you more feminine trans women do as do the masculinized appearing trans men.
Has anyone not experience microaggression?
The microaggressions I get tend to be from the trans community itself. I was part of a group that never responded to me, but seemed favor its people that appeared to be struggling in their transition. The minute I post something positive about it, they'd jump on me like I shouldn't be talking... or when I post something that's troubling me, they'd ignore me. Could never figure out what their problem is.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on May 27, 2014, 01:45:01 PM
The microaggressions I get tend to be from the trans community itself. I was part of a group that never responded to me, but seemed favor its people that appeared to be struggling in their transition. The minute I post something positive about it, they'd jump on me like I shouldn't be talking... or when I post something that's troubling me, they'd ignore me. Could never figure out what their problem is.
Probably because you're a damned fine woman huh? I'd put my money on it hon!
If it's jealousy, Shantel, then jealousy is not going to do them any favors. They're an advocacy group, they SHOULD be more focused on widening their influence, not thinning it out over baby details.
And yes, I left that group.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on May 27, 2014, 01:49:09 PM
If it's jealousy, Shantel, then jealousy is not going to do them any favors. They're an advocacy group, they SHOULD be more focused on widening their influence, not thinning it out over baby details.
And yes, I left that group.
I've actually noticed this too, its almost like they want you to be struggling as much as they are... I think its basic human nature to prefer talking about the negative than relishing on the positive. Jealousy is a powerful motivator to act unfavorably, almost like they've been denied a right that you have unjustly stolen from them. Silly -_-
Granted; in my private time I have yelled out in pain about how i feel others are having more progress than me, but to blame this on THEM as if it were their intention, would be childish and foolish.
Misery loves company. I'd rather avoid it. The transsexuals that aren't jealous or fixate on being miserable are usually the more fun ones to be around anyways. Not just by me, but by people outside of the trans community.
Lately I'm sensing a negative vibe from a CIS Asian acquaintance (my landlords daughter) who comes around from time to time.
I actually had a small crush on her when we met a few years ago. But I was in guy mode. Now I'm blossoming as a gal myself and I've unabashedly become prettier than even she is. My slender hands and nails are longer, they look feminine and was commented on 5 weeks ago, "you're a girl now..." I flipped my hair and 'jokingly' implied, "I am a girl..." ;D
A month onwards I'm improving, my hair is longer than hers and my face is undoubtedly feminizing. Now I'm getting these somewhat snotty looks of disdain from her. She's also wearing makeup and studying me when she's around. Am I now competing with her? I'm not even wearing makeup - still presenting androgynously.
I'm not sure what to think of it. :D
Quote from: Evelyn K on May 23, 2014, 02:44:32 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x805d-nwQI
I guess it's similar :D
This is the first thing I thought of when I read this thread!
LOL
;D
Quote from: Evelyn K on May 27, 2014, 05:50:04 PM
Lately I'm sensing a negative vibe from a CIS Asian acquaintance (my landlords daughter) who comes around from time to time.
I actually had a small crush on her when we met a few years ago. But I was in guy mode. Now I'm blossoming as a gal myself and I've unabashedly become prettier than even she is. My slender hands and nails are longer, they look feminine and was commented on 5 weeks ago, "you're a girl now..." I flipped my hair and 'jokingly' implied, "I am a girl..." ;D
A month onwards I'm improving, my hair is longer than hers and my face is undoubtedly feminizing. Now I'm getting these somewhat snotty looks of disdain from her. She's also wearing makeup and studying me when she's around. Am I now competing with her? I'm not even wearing makeup - still presenting androgynously.
I'm not sure what to think of it. :D
I doubt your competeing with her? this you would know :p. But maybe she is trying to compete with you? Maybe she is jelouse? or envious? maybe she feels she needs to put extra effort in to look more atractive? maybe she HAS to do this and feels like she shouldnt have to? maybe she feels anoyed at this?
But you know what? thats an awefull lot of maybe. If your worried you might loose your freind, have you pointed out that youve noticed this? and told her she doesnt need make up because pretty girls dont need make up?
If she is feeling intimidated by your femininity, maybe helping her feel better with hers might ease some tention.
Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 27, 2014, 06:30:58 PM
I doubt your competeing with her? this you would know :p. But maybe she is trying to compete with you? Maybe she is jelouse? or envious? maybe she feels she needs to put extra effort in to look more atractive? maybe she HAS to do this and feels like she shouldnt have to? maybe she feels anoyed at this?
But you know what? thats an awefull lot of maybe. If your worried you might loose your freind, have you pointed out that youve noticed this? and told her she doesnt need make up because pretty girls dont need make up?
If she is feeling intimidated by your femininity, maybe helping her feel better with hers might ease some tention.
A little reverse psychology and a few flattering comments can mend a lot of holes in the fabric of friendship, excellent idea Vickster!
Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 27, 2014, 06:30:58 PM
I doubt your competeing with her? this you would know :p. But maybe she is trying to compete with you? Maybe she is jelouse? or envious? maybe she feels she needs to put extra effort in to look more atractive? maybe she HAS to do this and feels like she shouldnt have to? maybe she feels anoyed at this?
But you know what? thats an awefull lot of maybe. If your worried you might loose your freind, have you pointed out that youve noticed this? and told her she doesnt need make up because pretty girls dont need make up?
If she is feeling intimidated by your femininity, maybe helping her feel better with hers might ease some tention.
We're not really friends, she's actually now married, :D
But I've sensed some bewilderment ever since I jokingly proclaimed, "I-am a girl ;)" to her and her mother and sister, and her seeing these real facial changes. These aren't highly schooled people, being boutique shop keepers from a relatively mundane city in China just 7 years ago. Without some rudimentary medical understanding, exposure to trans people or pertinent popular media about our existence, I would imagine they are not capable of making even a layman's assumption about what could be happening here, other than, he must really *be* a girl afterall! (whew I know run-on sentence) So to them I must be an absolute mindf* to have hidden this for all these years. :D
As for "competing" I don't know. I certainly am not. But to the Asian gal, I probably effaced my former self in a surprising way. And she may feel the need compete with me as CIS girls normally do.
I guess I may enjoy microaggressions. When I wear plainly, few people watch me. With 4-inch heels, I can attract nearly all of people in the street, especially women. Women like to comment, and I can hear what they are saying about me. It can be a kind of first-hand evaluation of my appearance and fashion.
I have heard jokes on my gender identity at least once every day during the last several years. I do not complain so much. At least, they are interested in me.
Both men ad women become more friendly to me. For example, a few days ago, one woman, who attended a group meeting together with me, came and asked me to smoke cigarette together in the yard. As it is still taboo for women to smoke in my country, especially in this remote and conservative island, she wanted a kind of protection or excuse from me (not alone, but two women smoke!). She would never ask it if I look like a man. She even touched my arms without any hesitation. Also, she commented on my skirt, advising to wear differently, and recommended her secret anti-aging cream. Other women asked about the height of my heels, or gladly took photos for me, too. They commented I look sexy, but I do not think they are jealous of me.
barbie~~