I began GD-related therapy (for the 2nd time in my life, the first time 22 years ago i chickened out) last July and began transitioning in earnest in September. Started hormones in November, which felt amazing and still feels good. Sometime in February, I purged my closet of men's clothes, which again was a huge relief. I have my name change hearing later this week (I cried in gratitude at my atty's office when all the papers were signed!) and some FFS procedures scheduled in July. All is proceeding at a good clip - although if you consider I waited until 43 to do this, it's been glacially slow.
Periodically I coast along feeling great, feeling so authentic for the first time. Transition seems utterly RIGHT to me. People tell me I'm more open, more bubbly, more sparkly than I ever was as a guy - that a certain darkness they didn't even know was there before has lifted. I sometimes get overwhelmed with emotion when i see my silhouette in a mirror/window and realize, I finally look like a girl - like ME!!
And yet....I also go through periodic and violent emotional backlashes, where I recoil from transition and I'm SURE I'm making a terrible mistake (these usually coincide with some major new step being taken). During these periods, I don't ever think, "I'd so like to be a boy again" -- I think, "I don't think I can possibly go forward any more". There's a fear that I'm making a terrible mistake I can't back out of. The feelings do pass eventually, but their mere existence trouble me - which feeling is the "real" one? In any given one of these polar-opposite moments, the terror and the joy BOTH seem to come straight from my gut.
Is it even POSSIBLE to NOT be a true TS-woman if transitioning opens up your personality, you respond well to HRT, you're glad to endure hours of electrolysis, you feel your stress completely dissipate when you put a dress on for the first time etc. etc.? I've been completely up front with these doubts to my therapist, but he doesn't take them very seriously. He says given my history I'm about the clearest case of an mtf he's ever seen. To some extent, I think these negative feelings map onto taking a new step, to fearing violence/getting "read", and/or anticipating "coming out" to new people/groups of people. But I'm not sure that's all of it. Maybe I'm just torturing myself here.
I wonder - have others of you experienced this type of back-and-forth emotional swings/doubts during transition? I'd appreciate hearing what you did about them, and if they passed once your transition was relatively complete. Or if you didn't end up transitioning, what was the tipping point for making that decision?
I have (and still sometimes do) get those feelings from time to time. I guess it really depends on the depth of the feelings you get. allow me to elaborate:
-Example: I often think sometimes "maybe i'm making a mistake, maybe i miss being male or I miss the things I use to do as male."
These kinds of thoughts are often (for me at least) wrongly explained because i'm leading myself to believe that the way I behaved as male (at least, the parts of me I actually enjoyed and conveyed authentically without it being an act) was only acceptable for someone who is male... but that is incorrect because I can be whoever i wanna be, even if that means being a girly girl with the occasional vulgar man-like joke or expression. Not all girls are perfectly female, and its easy to forget this because we are conditioned to believe that women are one way and men are another way, but my wife is MORE of a guy than I ever pretended to be lol... she burps, she makes messes, she's more vulgar than me and says some of the most disgusting things around our friends that are funny to them, she is crazy sexual and has a libido like any other guy, but she identifies as female and still has a very feminine persona involving body maintenance, makeup, haircare, fashion and shopping, etc. So i guess what I'm trying to say is that just because we did something or behaved one way as a male, doesn't mean we can't also be that way as females.
- 2nd Example: Your brain has been wired in a male persona for 43 years, and you may have had 1 or 2 wires switched up which I'm going to label "GD", so then you took the steps to properly rewire your brain to be in the correct frequency. But it takes time for your brain to realize "ok, I'm not male anymore, I'm female", so I would say its pretty normal for your brain to be having recanting thoughts about manhood and all that, your brain is pretty much undoing 43 years of manhood and converting it into womanhood within the short course of maybe 1-5 years, so i think it's only natural that your subconscious would be having its own little conflict.
But anyway, before i continue spewing stuff that is most likely nonsense ~ what i do to combat these feelings is remind myself just how miserable I was pretending to be male, I remind myself of how my childhood and my teen years were a daily walk through hell that ended in a suicide attempt on a weekly basis... Sure, i had some good times because my life wasn't a complete ->-bleeped-<--storm.. but those good times I had were so few and far between. When i allow myself to remember the pain and discomfort and idea that my life was worthless to me, instead of thinking "I might miss being male", i start to think "I wish i would've transitioned earlier and salvaged what were supposed to be my "best" years". Not always the best outcome because one should never dwell on the past, but when i think that way, its easier to escape the more overbearing feeling of "i think im making a mistake".. by replacing it with "I wish I could've made this realization earlier." because going forward is easier than going backwards, so thinking "i wish i could have done it earlier" brings on thoughts of "at least i'm doing it now."
I mean sure, the stomach aches of fear and nervousness still come sometimes, but as long as I remind myself that this is a temporary discomfort compared to a quarter (or in your case nearly half) life time of complete misery and lies, a little discomfort is a walk in the park.
Well, I never had much doubt about my path though I definitely have fears and concerns all the time, so I can relate with that part. To be honest, I have no idea how I'm going to get through this and don't even know if it's possible, yet I would have said the same thing about where I am now a few months ago. It's just a tough thing and it's hard to grasp overcoming difficult chanllenges. Doesn't mean you or I can't make it. So that's what I would say on the fear front.
However, if you don't mind me asking, is there a reason why you suspect transitioning might not be the right thing for you? Is there some specific reasons you feel doubt? And are they more related to fears about transitioning rather than doubts about it? Don't feel afraid to ask yourself these questions. All of them are important to consider, so be honest with yourself and follow your heart. Good luck with everything! :)
Most of the time I'm quite happy with my transition. But I've always been fairly adaptive, so nothing from my old self has tried to pull me back.
The one time I had doubts was when I went through a deep depression this winter. At first I thought it had been caused by the androcur, but after going off it the depression kept getting worse. Then I thought "Oh no... It's the estrogen... HRT is making me depressed because it was a bad idea from the beginning. I'm not going to get through this." Luckily I didn't back out, and in the end it turned out that my usual seasonal depression had been made worse from too low estrogen levels.
Hi, Theadanielle!
I can certainly relate to what you're saying. Perhaps it's a problem we older people have (and sad to say, I'm a fair bit older than you). You live so long in the male world that you develop an image of yourself as male. So when you switch over to the female world, even though you're living according to your nature, according to your psychological necessity, there can be a conflict within you.
One thing I had to get over: in the time leading up to my coming-out, I was trying to convince myself that I didn't really want to come out. I had finally admitted to myself that I was trans, but I kept telling myself, "Coming out is OK for others, but I'm not really that sort of transperson. That's just not me."
How much sense does that make? What sort of transperson is the right sort to come out? And what sort of transperson was I, that I wouldn't be the right sort to come out?
I eventually realized that I was still dealing with feelings of shame. I'd accepted that I was trans, but not really. I eventually got over that hurdle.
This may not be your case. You may not still be dealing with residual feelings of shame or non-acceptance or whatever. Maybe you need to think about it, see if you can identify your feelings.
It may be nothing more than ordinary fear. Transitioning is a huge, huge step to take, and as exciting, fulfilling, exhilarating as it is, it is scary. No need to be ashamed if you're feeling a bit of fear or uncertainty.
I changed my legal name after I'd been out full-time for only three months. Now that's a big step to take, and I was afraid that I was doing it too quickly. But when you're out, it's extremely inconvenient to have a male name, and I was quite sure at that point that I never wanted to go back to my old life. So I changed my name, and I haven't regretted it. You can always be afraid that you're doing things to quickly.
I can't tell you what to do, of course. You have to decide for yourself. But I might counsel you a bit of patience.
I've been out full-time for a year and a half now, and one thing I've learned is that your feelings evolve a great deal as you go along. You have to be patient, let them evolve in their own time. I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know if I was anticipating a full-blown revelation and all of a sudden things would be entirely different.
Maybe it works that way for some people, but it didn't for me. Changes have been steady and profound, but they do come in their own time.
E.g., I don't really feel totally integrated into the female world at this point. How could I? I spent so long in the male world that I don't see how I could expect to switch over completely in the blink of an eye. These things can take time.
But there are various ways of gauging your evolution. E.g., I'm still in the process of getting used to my new name. No surprise if that should take some time, I used the old one for so many years. But it is a fact that my old one means nothing to me any more. Emotionally I feel completely detached from it at this point. So in a way I'm in something of a no-man's-land at this point in this regard. Other people switched over to using my new name very quickly. It's taking me a lot longer.
I've stopped worrying about this sort of thing. I believe in letting things come in their own time. I can't see that it does any good to ask myself, "What should I be feeling? Oh, my God, I'm not feeling that! Is there something wrong with me?"
For me, because of my age, because of all the many years I spent living under a false identity, what I call my "personal transition"--that is getting to know myself in my true identity--is something that requires time. In a way, I feel like I don't really know myself. I'm like a stranger to myself because I always had so many barriers in place specifically so that I wouldn't know who I truly was.
But the question I ask myself is this: if I could go back to my old life, would I do it? Most emphatically not. The mere thought sends a shudder through me.
Maybe you should ask yourself that question. You're in the midst of your transition. If you could turn the clock back, go back to your old life, would you do it? If not, then you know that transitioning is right for you. You have to go forward, you have to face whatever doubts or fears you have and allow them to die a peaceful death in their own good time.
A lot of the time I don't really know how I feel about myself. Sometimes I have residual (and awful) male feelings. A lot of the time when I'm out and about and not really conscious of myself, I do have something of a female image of myself. Sometimes I feel caught in the middle, neither one nor the other.
I don't see any need to worry about this. I'm getting to know myself, and sooner or later I think--I hope--I'll know who and where I am.
Sorry for this long, rambling post, but as you see, your situation struck a chord with me.
I wish you all the best,
Foxglove
I use to have doubts all the time, but each step forward makes it harder to think of going back.
Initially I was scared sh&tless, but every step forward so far has made me feel better about myself and I know that I need to stay on this path.
Many thanks to everybody for their thoughtful and honest replies. It's nice to know i'm not the only one. I'm going to just push through the feelings. My experience is that they always go away and I feel OK again. I don't ever want to go back to being a guy! I think sometimes I just get overwhelmed, especially when the "next step" in the process presents itself and I have to jump to meet it without a net! :-) Changing my name legally, I think, is the most committal thing I've done so far, yet my friends have been calling me Thea for months and I love it! There's always that moment of awkwardness when a building security guard says, "ID please, Miss" and I have to hand him a picture of old, bearded me and explain everything! That will soon be over, thank you Goddess.
Foxglove, I think you really hit on something. Transitioning at 43 (or older) is different than it would have been when I was 19 and wanted to do it (but had no financial means or emotional support). Dismantling a whole identity that you've thrown yourself into for 25 years isn't simple. I believe, though, that it will be worth it.
Quote from: theadanielle on May 28, 2014, 12:51:29 PM
I believe, though, that it will be worth it.
It's been worth it to me, Thea. Every hour, every minute of my life since I came out, it's been worth it--for the peace in my soul and the joy in my heart. I hope you'll find the same.
I waited an awful long time to be honest with myself and the world. I am now well into transition and not a day goes by without feeling blessed in some way. Admittedly I have the occasional negative doubt, but those are generally around what are considered mainly male activities. I just say to myself "Girls can do anything!" and carry on regardless. :)
Thea
I think doubts are normal and healthy. Foxglove's comment re taking your time and processing/dealing with issues is important. The journey is important. It is interesting that most of us only think initially in terms of binary outcomes. It took me quite a while to understand that my authentic and fully self authored identity was non binary and that my presentation if sufficiently androgynous would allow me to feel and present as less gendered in a binary sense. This way I have accessed both parts of myself and transitioned to the most powerful place for me. We each have a different narrative, different paths and different journeys to take. I wish you well on yours.
Safe travels
Aisla
I think it's normal and healthy to question things, it's a monumental process, coming to terms with your gender identity, wanting others to accept you for who you really are, establishing yourself as you really are, it's huge and can be very stressful, then there's pills and potions, and surgery too, but taken a step at a time the process isn't so bad and becomes manageable and for me at least the answer each time to: "is this what I really want?" is "yes it is" :)
Quote from: Aisla on May 29, 2014, 08:46:12 AM
Thea
I think doubts are normal and healthy. Foxglove's comment re taking your time and processing/dealing with issues is important. The journey is important. ... We each have a different narrative, different paths and different journeys to take. I wish you well on yours.
Safe travels
Aisla
This is a journey, it is your journey, and it is the most important journey you will ever take. To not question would to not be mindful of its import. There are costs to everything, and the cost to live an authentic life is not insignificant. But it is a voyage of discovery, and like all adventures into the unknown is both yin and yang - danger and opportunity. Whatever pairs of opposites you find most helpful.
For me the take away is that I am at long last whole, defragmented, open, and hopeful. I am no longer lonely, I am no longer afraid. Yes I still wonder if this life decision which is irrevocable was the best one, but those thoughts are banished by joy and hope. I say this a lot, and to anyone who will listen. My name is Julie Blair; I am proud, lovable, and worthwhile; I am a girl! This is my affirmation when I doubt, or feel confused.
My finish to flying over the rainbow will not be until I am finally finished with this plain of existence. Till then join me celebrating becoming who we are, and all we can be.
Peace,
Julie
This brings up an aspect of transitioning, or rather of not transitioning, that I think hasn't been covered very much. Living and presenting as one gender, when one is internally another (or somewhere else on a sliding range), must make for powerful psycho-protective mechanisms to kick in, especially if there are co-morbid (trauma) forces at play. I wonder if, at least to some degree, dissociative identity disorder doesn't commonly set in with TS's. If one wasn't aware of their own symptoms, or how those symptoms should be understood, they would be sitting completely in the dark. This really would explain a lot, but I'm not referring to any person, in particular.
Suziack
Quick caveat - I am not a trained Psychiatrist so my response is just based on my personal experience and narrative.
Yours is an interesting hypothesis but for me it has been the opportunity to identify and to express myself as non binary which released me from any stress which may have arisen in a full transition to the other binary or arisen from not transitioning and retaining my current binary presentation. Quite frankly if I had fully transitioned I know that I would have had deep psych and adjustment issues to deal with. My psych and I are very pleased with my current flexibility in presentation, identity and body so nope, no dissociative identity disorder here, but I suppose that it may have arisen if I had taken the traditional path and your hypothesis proved robust
Aisla
One of the things with transitioning is you look at yourself more closely am I right in doing what im doing im I sure I can go back but dont know how to would I want to etc
its not a bad thing but over thinking can cause its own problems I would have a bad day early on and think mmmm but the good days I was sure I knew I didnt want to stop hormones as I liked them to much.
I had a real bad patch where I didnt want to be here any more that was 4yrs into it what I had done was arrive where I should be and hadnt realised because I had been thinking to much with out just getting on with it.
transtion is a scary thing with to many what ifs and in reality nothing concrete just the feeling you have inside that says you need to do it with out really knowing why.
if im honest I still dont know why i had to do it but I couldnt go back.
xx
I totally relate to the recoil after a step forward but after it settles in I can't imagine going backward to manhood. That's my proof. I think some of that is rewiring, some is self acceptance issues and some is plain fear of the unknown. I highly doubt you'd do what you've done if you weren't trans. You might find a stopping point that isn't all the way across the canyon but that's totally different from whether you are or are not.
Yes.
I wonder if I had to do this. I wonder if culture gets to a place where men are free to embrace the feminine if I wouldn't have had to transition. I wonder if there was another way.
I don't know the differences between men and women. I thought there was this wide gulf but now that I'm on the other side I look around and say, "Hey, this looks familiar." So, I wonder if knowing what I know now if could I make it work if I went back? I don't know. I'm not tempted to try, which does give me a measure of peace.
Of course some of my concern could be coming from me forgetting what torture it was for me to be a man...
Quote from: Misato on May 29, 2014, 09:33:48 PM
Yes.
I wonder if I had to do this. I wonder if culture gets to a place where men are free to embrace the feminine if I wouldn't have had to transition. I wonder if there was another way.
I don't know the differences between men and women. I thought there was this wide gulf but now that I'm on the other side I look around and say, "Hey, this looks familiar." So, I wonder if knowing what I know now if could I make it work if I went back? I don't know. I'm not tempted to try, which does give me a measure of peace.
Of course some of my concern could be coming from me forgetting what torture it was for me to be a man...
Misato
As a non binary identified individual I believe and feel that your comments are in fact very close to the mark. So much of identity is tied up with needing to be recognised for who you are. Clothing, hair, physique, voice, affectation etc are all strongly gendered and it is often very difficult to present and access the broadest range of human attributes when you are signalling one binary or another. In fact in many cases behaving one way and presenting as another binary triggers violence and discrimination. For me as a non binary I am trying to find that balance where I can access the fullest range of human qualities and attributes and be seen to be neither one binary or the other. While presentation and physical attributes continue to be necessary or needed in order to give permission to demonstrate gendered qualities I suspect that a non binary presentation is the most comfortable and powerful place for me to authentically express my identity.
Perhaps after the biological needs for propagation are met then humanity as a whole can seek common ground and a less constructed view of what it means to be born male or female.
Aisla
Aisla, That's an interesting take on the whole transitioning thing, and raises some good questions. How does one stop in the middle and remain there? How does one even know when and where to stop? How does one know things wouldn't be better (or worse), if they proceeded further? Wow!
Quote from: Suziack on June 05, 2014, 09:05:43 PM
Aisla, That's an interesting take on the whole transitioning thing, and raises some good questions. How does one stop in the middle and remain there? How does one even know when and where to stop? How does one know things wouldn't be better (or worse), if they proceeded further? Wow!
Suziack
Where I am heading is that there are almost as many genders as there are people. That we flex our gender almost by situation and by interaction. The locus or centre of gravity of this expression/identity is where you currently are if you are expressing yourself consciously and authentically. Where we stop or rest for a while really depends upon where we feel most authentic and confident/safe. For many this will be an ongoing journey of growth, exploration, learning and discovery.
Of course resting in a non binary state is challenging because people being people want to signal who they are so that they are recognised for who they are. Given the binary lenses that are frequently applied perhaps the best we can hope for is a male, a female and an 'other' or non binary presentation - whether this is queer or androgynous or a different hue is probably subjective and in the end depends upon the intended message and the message received. When we finally start treating and respecting folk as individuals who are expected and able to access the full spectrum of human qualities, expression and experience without discrimination, danger or vilification then we will have made real progress.
Aisla