Just curious as to what people are experiencing. So, what causes your disphoria to flare up?
put your status (mtf, ftm, etc) too
Me, mtf. My spikes are caused by going in the pool. In regular clothing, I can wear panties and a bra underneath, but not being able to wear the swimsuit bugs me.
Also, when my wig is giving me a hard time... Makes me really want my own long hair
M2F
Having to shave to leave my house for less then 5 minuets.
And bodycon clothes i cant wear or have to accessories to hide.... grr
basicaly any extra effort i feel i need to make in order to consider myself prsentable, that a cis girl wouldnt need to do.
It used to be being misgendered, but thankfully testosterone has taken care of that little problem. ;D
For me as a mid-transition FtM, my biggest spikes are caused by my hips. I have what my mother rather unkindly referred to as 'child-bearing hips' and although I work out every day to reduce their size, there's still too much female-pattern fat there for my liking and my clothes just don't hang right.
I'm hoping that I'll lose them within the next year, thanks to testosterone & regular gym attendance.
Mirrors.
Quote from: suzifrommd on May 28, 2014, 05:51:13 AM
Mirrors.
Yup! Yet I have a MTF friend who feels quite the opposite about them.
MTF
My work uniform to big on me and very male
FtM. My boobs and my hips.
people noticing my wide hips really bugs me.
Watching women walk by, past me.
Thankfully I have little hip development bone wise. But boobs.....they just need to go. Yesterday would be good. The week before even better...ya know?
Mirrors...catching my reflection and seeing a profile or shape that isn't what is in my head.
I am reliably 'sirred' from the back....have been for a long time. (Thanks for those slim hips and shoulders the size of my dad's...even if he was a little guy...) But that moment when I turn around and the person "corrects" themself. Come on T....work your magic.
MtF here. Physically, seeing face and body hair when I'm trying to present as female is distressing. Especially so when I've tried to shave and cover facial hair only to have it clearly return within hours.
Emotionally, I can get pretty dysphoric when I think about the childhood I won't get to experience and the worry I know my transition causes for people I care about.
It's usually a combination of things - being it situations where I have to present as conventionally male for any length of time, and feeling envious in the company of certain women. Also body issues, such as going more than a few days without shaving my arms and legs, and seeing hairs on my hands and wrists. The loss of my hair in my thirties wasn't great, but I'm resigned to hats and wigs when necessary.
I think it may be age related as well, as it's really started to hit me in my late forties, and I now feel it's too late to do much about it. When it's bad I'll treat myself to a new dress and a bottle of wine, or spend a couple of hours in the bath shaving everything.
I'm a male-bodied female btw, in case that isn't apparent from the above. Not transitioning as such, just a hybrid!
Quote from: CiCi Confused on May 28, 2014, 08:40:06 AM
Watching women walk by, past me.
Yup. Or seeing them on TV. Or hearing them talk in an adjacent office or on the radio. Or just thinking about being one and how unrealistic and unfair that is. :(
MTF. the slightest smells spike my dysphoria. i have heightened senses especially when it comes to smells.
I can't deny any longer that I have dysphoria, fortunately though it's not as bad as many peoples.
In general topics like the "I feel all soft and squishy" topic in MtF transs forum can instigate it. I had an episode of worse depression the day before yesterday... or I suppose the night. I always have the worse episodes at night. That ensures I can't call for help. It'l be 10 pm to midnight, and I feel it coming on, then it hits too late to call anyone and talk, leaving me stranded and alone desperately wanting to talk to someone. Fortunately the last one wasn't quite that bad. I don't get out much but If I get stuck around people talking vehemently about very masculine topics, that kinda makes it worse. And even in family events it sometimes gets weird to my family why I am inside with the girls not outside with the boys talking about how they fixed the truck AC or the superbowl. It makes it harder if I have to sit there feeling so out of place. Fortunately I'm ignored and left alone to moap wait tiill I can go be with the girls without anyone feeling odd. Or getting an odd look walking around from a grown up because we are having a family barbeque and I'm sitting there with a small bouquet of flowers between my fingers smelling them and admiring them. When kids look at me or just call me weird for that it doesn't bug me unless an adult then turns to look at me and gives me an odd look.
Triggers
Stylish cloths I like,
Beautiful woman and their body geometry
Some commercials.
Transkids,
beautiful trans woman
regret and jealousy
Programs, seminars and in-depth discussions on incest, physical abuse and beatings and sexual abuse.
Showering.
Cismales, mirrors, my hips and moobs. My binder not making everything flat enough for me.
MTF
Mirror - In regards to me not being able to shave a few days before a session. Blech, facial hair :P
Lots of primer and concealer those days.
Quote from: Jennifer.Alexandria on May 28, 2014, 08:30:28 PM
MTF
Mirror - In regards to me not being able to shave a few days before a session. Blech, facial hair :P
Lots of primer and concealer those days.
Yes!~ Body hair too. I just feel dirty if I'm hairy. Being smooth and with shade legs arms and armpits, despite my arms not being very hairy, help me feel less self-conscious.
Feeling hairy or leg-stubble / armpit stubble... just....ew. Hair may not be mad on other guys, but I just can't feel clean while hairy.
Quote from: Rayne on May 28, 2014, 08:43:57 PM
Yes!~ Body hair too. I just feel dirty if I'm hairy. Being smooth and with shade legs arms and armpits, despite my arms not being very hairy, help me feel less self-conscious.
Feeling hairy or leg-stubble / armpit stubble... just....ew. Hair may not be mad on other guys, but I just can't feel clean while hairy.
Luckily I've been able to keep up with body hair by shaving every two-three days as needed most of the time. Else, yeah for those one or two occasions when I couldn't find the time I just felt gross.
pretty much everything
MTF. I'm pretty early in transition, but I've really become quite the little fashionista. So seeing women in cute outfits really hits home since I can't wear them yet. Especially pencil skirts...I've got a real thing for pencil skirts right now. And cute shoes. And dresses...makeup...accessories. Ah who am I kidding. I want it all!! :/
Quote from: Jill F on May 28, 2014, 08:13:55 PM
Showering.
I get this one. I spent a lot of years knowing I was transgender, but telling myself there was nothing I could do about it. So I was able to mostly keep the dysphoria all bottled up, but the shower was the one place that it always came right up to the surface.
Quote from: katiej on May 28, 2014, 09:22:45 PM
MTF. I'm pretty early in transition, but I've really become quite the little fashionista. So seeing women in cute outfits really hits home since I can't wear them yet. Especially pencil skirts...I've got a real thing for pencil skirts right now. And cute shoes. And dresses...makeup...accessories. Ah who am I kidding. I want it all!! :/
I get this one. I spent a lot of years knowing I was transgender, but telling myself there was nothing I could do about it. So I was able to mostly keep the dysphoria all bottled up, but the shower was the one place that it always came right up to the surface.
Yeah. that is a problem for me too. Recently I take few showers, just baths. It helps me feel girly to lay there in a hot bath relaxing and shaving my legs, washing my hair. (I hate my short hair... GROW FASTER!) ^~^ A nice luxurious bath, or even if you have the money and stuff (I don't) perhaps a bubble bath. Great way to feel more girly while bathing
MTF (I think that's obvious....I hope anyway)
Once in a while I still get called "sir". It makes me want to vomit and cry at the same time, and these days I tend to get kind of mean as a result.
Breaking a nail for some reason triggers me bad....I have been known to lock the door, curl up and cry for an hour or so.
And finally...Men. It's not their fault...I just seem to have developed a healthy female libido without the proper parts to act on it.
All I can do is remind myself that I am getting there, and some day I can hopefully live a normal life.
mirrors
seeing particularly pretty girls (I prefer the natural look, but if someones hot my first reaction is 'why can't I look like that?)
exercise
girls' faces, just that feminine 'glow' their skin have..... :'(
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on May 28, 2014, 07:59:22 PM
Transkids,
beautiful trans woman
regret and jealousy
These ones are particularly tough to deal with these days. I really don't care about being transgendered, but I do care about being transgendered. I'd have been OK with it, so long as I looked like an actual woman, but I let it go a bit too long and fully passed through puberty. It's really hard to think of what could have been and I'm pretty positive if I had started young enough not only would I have looked totally CIS, but I'm also fairly certain that I would have been legitimately gorgeous. Instead I have no chance of ever being pretty, looking CIS, or even passing really.
I'm still pretty young. I almost feel like I could reach back into the past and change things, but then it sinks in and I realize that I'm trapped and will be for a very long time. It's awful to feel like you blew your chance to live before you even realized something could have been done. It's awful to feel like the only way you may ever live is if you die and are reborn... and that's holding out for a lot.
Like I've said, pretty much everything triggers my dysphoria these days. I lay in bed a lot now, that's pretty much all I do anymore and even that serves as a trigger. I realize that I should be up living my life and I think of everyone out having fun, just being normal, but then I realize that I really don't have a life to live anymore.
MtF. Body hair is what does it for me. I wanna sob when I notice it.
FtM (obviously, lol) pre-transition (also obviously I think)
Shark week
Misgendering (especially in public or by people who I am out to. By friends/family/acquaintances who I am not out to I don't mind it so much, cause they can't help it either) and bathrooms
Hips and "healthy women fatties". Piss the hell of with your women fatties. Did I ask for them??
Cisguys of my age and transguys who are much further in transition
POOLS! MOTHER->-bleeped-<-ING POOLS! I love swimming, but due to dysphoria... I can't...
The whole idea of a relationship is just... one big ball of dysphoria for me, lol.
My moobs don't give me much trouble. Let's just stay with it that they are small. If I go into detail HOW small I might make some guys out here very jealous, lol. If I haven't already... ;)
When I pass with someone else and my mom points that I'm not a boy, but I'm her "girl" I feel like I want to bury myself in shame.
When my parents scream my female name out loud with new people
These things make me really sad because I can pass without big problems but my parents/relatives/old friends seem they like to spoil everything :(
Quote from: Erik Ezrin on May 29, 2014, 05:25:20 PM
Shark week
I have to ask. How do sharks trigger dysphoria?
FTM
It's my butt.
I'm known for my butt. If you can't find me...you'll find my butt.
I don't understand why it causes so much problems!
It stands out in baggy clothes. I can't even!
And my cycle. I have the pheromones of a succubus! It
attracts more eyes to my butt. I want it chop it
right the hell off.
FTM.
Butch lesbians send my dysphoria through the roof. The idea that I might be confused for one of them instead of a guy makes me want to vomit and get out of there asap.
Anticipating outing myself to my family and friends and the resulting shame for keeping it a secret for so long. I know this is a topic that will be explored through therapy, and so many try to assure me that it may not be what I fear, but it's often worse than the gender dysphoria I have carried with me for so long.
Quote from: katiej on May 29, 2014, 08:52:31 PM
I have to ask. How do sharks trigger dysphoria?
It's an FtM euphemism for that special time of the month that we hate so much. You know, the week that involves a lot of blood-letting, just like the TV show of the same name.
I'm ftm, i think
Swim suits, bikini's, parties where i need to dress as a girl, cute/pretty/hot/handsome people, when someone asks me if i'm a butch lesbian (yes, rude), when my friend talks about career options telling me 'women have more chances finding a job in science' (i want to be a scientist lol).
P.e. Class too.
QuoteWhen I pass with someone else and my mom points that I'm not a boy, but I'm her "girl" I feel like I want to bury myself in shame.
When my parents scream my female name out loud with new people
These things make me really sad because I can pass without big problems but my parents/relatives/old friends seem they like to spoil everything
Totally forgot this one. Completely feel ya Kiwi! My parents are EXACTLY the same!
My mom is like "Yes, meet my DAUGHTER!" The first second she meets a stranger together with me. Really makes me want to sink into the earth right there and then :c
Often people see me as male already, but she or my dad will spoil it with 'correcting' them or not even giving them the chance to determine I am male. Worst is; I am out!
Less and less spiking as I explore my non binary identity and learn to express myself and present authentically and fluidly. Still triggered somewhat by misgendering but as I become more confident in myself I am less and less distressed by this. It is sort of like if I know who I am and I feel that I am expressing myself then that is all that matters to me
Aisla
Winter. I love winter fashion coats, jumpers, boots
Thinking about how my home state has become more accepting of children with trans issues in school. I know it still would of been hard for me but when I think about it. There could of been some help
Misgendering causes way worse dysphoria for me than anything about my body specifically.
I can remember several occasions where I've been in tears after having to indicate my birth sex on forms and paperwork and things.
Quote from: aggressivelyconfused on May 31, 2014, 10:04:35 AM
Misgendering causes way worse dysphoria for me than anything about my body specifically.
I can remember several occasions where I've been in tears after having to indicate my birth sex on forms and paperwork and things.
I admit this used to be a big problem. It ended since I no longer have to use the wrong check boxes and such.
Mtf
I dont get it as much anymore but seeing my junk before a shower, and just getting insulted (tho thats more of a human thing).
Usually seeing my fat behind fixes the shower problem tho i have a new problem of feeling fat. :/
emo, that has to be the first time I heard of a fat behind being both wanted and not wanted by the same person.
I haven't seen the wanted poster yet though, so it might be OK.
Quote from: LordKAT on May 31, 2014, 12:03:26 PM
emo, that has to be the first time I heard of a fat behind being both wanted and not wanted by the same person.
I haven't seen the wanted poster yet though, so it might be OK.
Its a strange paradox. Lol
My fat has become pretty feminine in a very short amount of time but now theres too much of it. Yep. I gained weight. So now im gonna have to go walking 10 miles to get down to like 120 hopefully. But ill probably be fine if i can just lose 15-20 pounds.
FTM, pre-everything.
- Looking in the mirror (which I've hardly ever been doing for over a decade because I know it makes me feel bad).
- Seeing men with typically masculine features (facial hair, jawline, etc.). Sometimes that gets bad enough to make me cry.
- When I'm wearing layers. When I wear baggy clothes, I can't really see my chest, but when I wear layers, it feels more obvious, and I find myself looking down and running my hands over them in an attempt to flatten them, knowing that that's impossible.
- My damn VOICE.
- The thought of certain sexual activities that are extremely common in people with the genitalia that I possess.
- Trans guys who are already on testosterone or have also had surgery and etc.
When I used to catch myself in a feminine posture, and have to self correct so noone noticed. Now I dont stop myself, but there are a couple of people that mock me by making the same pose (one in spite, another more in humor) but both trigger dysphoria
The word "spike".
pregnant women :'( It makes me feel incomplete and that I never will be and that even the breasts I have grown will never be used for what they were made for. :'(
I just found out a close friend of mine that I see all the time is pregnant too. The next 9 months are going to be hard. She is super lovely though and I am really happy for her.
My voice :(
And in the shower.
Getting misgendered, catching a glimpse in the mirror when I'm not expecting it, and lately especially talking on the phone. I hate that years of a female "phone voice' from various jobs is so hard to overcome, and it's not even like I can blame the other person. Any time a woman wants to commiserate about "that time of the month" or anything about bras, my day is pretty much ruined.
I share the problem that some people have with seeing young transpeople being able to transition. I am always happy for them, and I want their lives to go well and their identities to be affirmed and respected, but it's hard to avoid thinking if I'd been born just a decade or two later I might have suffered a lot less. It's hard sometimes to just accept that this is the way it is and I can't ever alter how things used to be and what that did to the body and mind I have now.
I am sad about how many people feel dysphoria with showering. I feel better about myself when I'm in the shower than almost anywhere else. It's so abstract. I have my body, and it has some "wrong" parts and it isn't movie-star sexy, but I like it. Even all the weird curves and scars are fine, because they're mine, and in the shower nobody gets to tell me that I'm not amazing. If I felt bad in the shower, and everything else was also wrong with my life, I'd work on the shower thing first. Enjoying how you look and feel while alone can carry you through a lot when you're not alone.
I think what gets me is when people start after I do but can get their surgery(s) way before I can.
Couples, and pretty women
now a days since my mirror is right across from my bed, basically every morning (night time since i dont wake until like 5 pm) my dysphoria hits me like a bullet to the skull.
Lately?
Breathing. Seriously, my dysphoria has been pegged since mid May. It goes away for a few minutes at a time.
Being willfully misgendered by family members.
FTM
I am a larger guy and have never been fond of wearing a binder, as there is a lot to bind and I find it uncomfortable. However, learning that I have a hiatal hernia and need to stop wearing my binder due to the extensive upward abdominal pressure it creates lent well to chest dysphoria.
Also, I have high T and low E. As a result, I do not menstruate on my own. My doctor prescribed Provera to induce it and reduce my risk of endometrial cancer (family history). Every morning for two weeks each month I have to take one of said pills, and I find that each passing day it becomes harder to bring myself to do so. I actually skipped this month entirely due to the overwhelming sense of injustice I experience. It is a moment of, "I did not ask for these parts. I do not want these parts. The least they could do is work properly."
In all honesty, I think my minor dysphoria spikes (which are nothing more than an inconvenience) are caused when I haven't expressed my feminine side in too long.
Dysphoria hits me pretty bad when I get my monthly gift.
This!!
Quote from: Kimberley Beauregard on June 12, 2014, 02:47:18 AM
In all honesty, I think my minor dysphoria spikes (which are nothing more than an inconvenience) are caused when I haven't expressed my feminine side in too long.
I have also kick in by passing someone on the street, reading forums like this or even talking to my wife. :(
Trying to socialize with women.
Being in a group of women.
Being dragged along to shop for womens clothing/having to wear the clothing.
Being cursed by genetics (enormous hips/thighs)
Cis-women in general... mainly their skin, their faces, their small bone structure, and the fact that they can go through life never having to question the fact that they're women.
That's what's really been getting me recently, is anyone who can take their femaleness for granted, and not have to constantly have their first concern every day be whether they're "passing" or not. Where a bad skin/hair day is just a bad skin/hair day, and a bad outfit is just a bad outfit, and neither is a threat to whether they look female at all or not.
Just seeing my shadow is enough to spike my wrath towards the female body.
Dialling back my hrt. Always checking to see if I no longer need it. Hope springs eternal! But dysphoria is the 'presence in the shadows' so E and spiro will remain an essential part of my life
I want to transition but these are the things that foil me mentally.
1. Fearing that I may never be able to transition successfully.
2. Not being able to shave cripples me... Ingrown hairs (my dad was from jamaica...) I have hair all over other than alot of my back.
3. My "20 foot wide" shoulders lol
4. Being around 190lbs of muscle despite not using anything other than my legs... -_- Nice gift to a man but I am not a man.
If anyone knows how I can deal within grown hairs or has any tips please do tell me, I exfoliate alot but still do get them.
And women all glammed up to go out clubbing viscous heels etc
I REALLY want high heels...
Quote from: TheQuestion on May 29, 2014, 02:27:03 PM
I'm still pretty young. I almost feel like I could reach back into the past and change things, but then it sinks in and I realize that I'm trapped and will be for a very long time. It's awful to feel like you blew your chance to live before you even realized something could have been done.
I know this kind of feeling all too well TheQuestion
6-7 years ago I was 16-17, I was going to get counselling and transition but got scared of the reality and magnitude of it...
I will never forgive myself for this.
Quote from: CandiceSkirvin on June 18, 2014, 04:37:51 PM
I hope that you will forgive yourself because there's nothing really to be forgiven. You were young and you were scared. You didn't know better, and probably didn't have anyone to help guide you through that time of your life. It's not your fault. (((((((((((big hug))))))))))))
Thanks :) xx x
I know that really but its kind of that feeling of loss of profit.
Like not playing the lottery and having your winning numbers come up 100,000 times lol
Im ok alot of the time tho, it just spikes from time to time x
Quote from: autumnwind44 on June 18, 2014, 04:28:45 PM
I know this kind of feeling all too well TheQuestion
6-7 years ago I was 16-17, I was going to get counselling and transition but got scared of the reality and magnitude of it...
I will never forgive myself for this.
You're in your mid-20's. We've got girls around here transitioning in their 70's. You're definitely still on the young side. HRT will probably be very kind to you.
Constantly being told your a "Good Boy!"
Going out thinking I'm passing and being informed that I am not :(
*mtf*
Getting home at the end of the day getting a bath/shower and realising I have no boobs and a thing after forgetting for most of the day or being called by my old name
Millie --<@
I am MtF, and I have been very dysphoric the last couple months..
Things that have been triggering it are the same as everyone else's. Shaving my face and having to shave my body.
Dont get me wrong, the effort is totes worth it, but I hate that I even have to. I havent been able to be myself lately because my personal life is burning up on re-entry right now. But this could me my phoenix from the ashes part of my life's song.
Just looking in the mirror has been triggering it too lately. I really want laser or electro on my face. My facial hair causes me to come to tears and can ruin a day. On top of that, each follicle itches an burns. It feels like my face is on fire!!
When I am sitting around, thinking about it, I start pulling hairs out, like a ritualistic machine. I think I might have trich, not sure.
So, I like everyone else have been spiking bad, especially lately as my life loses meaning and direction.
I'll bite ;)
Hitting the magical age of 25 and watching my body decide to just become a man against my sincere wishes ;P No longer feeling like I can adequately scrape the man off of my body with a razor. Having a beard shadow even after a fresh shave ... :( Oh and being taller than 98% of other humans.
Mirrors, I took a shower and shaved and then cried for 2 hours, hit me bad today.
Quote from: kira21 ♡♡♡ on June 05, 2014, 07:27:46 PM
pregnant women :'( It makes me feel incomplete and that I never will be and that even the breasts I have grown will never be used for what they were made for. :'(
I just found out a close friend of mine that I see all the time is pregnant too. The next 9 months are going to be hard. She is super lovely though and I am really happy for her.
As far as I have read, our breasts can produce milk for a growing baby. I was hoping to store sperm for a biological child as other options never interested me, but found out I was pretty much sterile (before HRT). So now hoping to find someone who will be open for adoption or surrogacy(?) with just his genetic material. I don't know if you would be open to either, but its at least an option.
noticing mirrors aren't helping. I see my body in my mind as being slimmer and feminine. Them shoulders and muscles and gut... ugh
1. Taking my wig off at night
2. Looking at my naked body front on in the mirror
3. Being out in spaces where guys my age are on the prowl for girls
4. Going out with a bunch of cisgender girls
5. Looking through cisgender girls' Instagrams
6. Singing
7. Being at a beach or pool
I know there's more but I can't think of them right now
FtM here, and it's mirrors. Just a nice constant reminder of God's cruel joke on me.
And sweating under the chesticles. I just want to tear them off and throw them in a fire, watch them burn. Anything that reminds me that I'm not even barely passing as a bloke.