So I had my first session today with my gender therapist and on one of the forms I filled out, it asked me what my desired outcome or goal I was expecting to get out of therapy. To be honest, I'm not fully sure. Part of me wants to transition, another part still thinks it's too extreme. So I left it blank and she later questioned me on it and I told her the truth that I wasn't sure. But I'm wondering, if I later DO decide that transition is what I truly want, if she'll be hesitant to recommend hormones because I wasn't absolutely 110% sure from the get go?
My opening line to my therapist was 'Tell me I'm nuts. I don't want to be trans.'
Hormones came in time with no issues.. And here I am, almost 4 years later, a mostly happy woman..
I wouldn't worry about it. If you're unsure, you're unsure. This is what therapy is for. Just talk openly and honestly and the topic of transition will come up frequently. Presumably your therapist knows what issue you are there for.
I wouldn't worry. The other classic that therapists get from MtF is 'can you help me be a man?'
The answer is usually, 'I can't change your brain to suit your body, but I can help you change your body to suit your brain.'
No, I don't think you've done yourself any harm, in fact, it probably was the best thing to say. Honesty with your therapist can only help you understand yourself and help you come to the right decisions for your own health.
Hope you build up a good rapport and quickly come to understanding yourself. :)
Quote from: TiffanyT on May 29, 2014, 02:12:09 AM
I wouldn't worry about it. If you're unsure, you're unsure. This is what therapy is for. Just talk openly and honestly and the topic of transition will come up frequently. Presumably your therapist knows what issue you are there for.
Pretty much what I was going to say. If you're unsure, the you're unsure, and therapy probably wouldn't hurt, especially with regards to finding out where you want it to go. You'd be shooting yourself in the foot by tilting your unsure state in one direction or another, as opposed to being honest about your situation.
No you didn't shoot yourself in the foot. If you have any hesitation it's best to confront that now with your therapist. Once you start hormones they're really is no turning back it does change you. So talk these doubts out and make sure this is what you want then decide of this is the right coarse for you. :)
IMO, if this caused problems, you have the wrong therapist. Your therapist is to help you discover what you want, not to use your own words against you. Any therapist that does that is gatekeeping.
I think you're OK, but, as with any therapist, keep your eyes and ears open. If you have concerns, don't dismiss them.
I really don't think you shot yourself in the foot. If you're not sure, you're not sure. That is what therapy is for is to find out what you really want.
Not at all, honest open frank conversation with your therapist is essential, besides many of them have an extremely well trained BS detector and they can pick up on any lying fairly quickly. If you had simply acquiesced to group-think peer pressure driving you toward transition and lied to achieve that end without really exploring your true inner being about the matter, then you might really be shooting yourself in the foot like more than a few have done before you.
Quote from: suzifrommd on May 29, 2014, 06:58:12 AM
IMO, if this caused problems, you have the wrong therapist. Your therapist is to help you discover what you want, not to use your own words against you. Any therapist that does that is gatekeeping.
I think you're OK, but, as with any therapist, keep your eyes and ears open. If you have concerns, don't dismiss them.
Exactly. A good therapist knows that situations, including what's best for any one person, is always subject to change. When I first went to see my therapist about this, I was certain I wanted certain surgeries, but not completely on board with hormones (I'm a trained singer, and my 5-octave range had been a *major* part of my personal identity --and even after I got on board with the hormones, i still needed to sort that out with myself, and to this day I *still* struggle with it, it helped a lot when it
finally dawned on me [something I had actually suspected since I was about ten] that Kate Bush and a few other women singers known for a high soprano are actually singing in a falsetto voice rather than their natural range --falsetto is especially apparent in [ostensibly cis-] male singers, because it's not something people are used to), and she was cool on giving me the letter when I changed my mind.
I think you said the right thing by being honest. This is about doing what's best for you and honesty is a part of finding what that is. I highly doubt that your response would prevent you from getting treatment should you wish to go down that road at a later point.
Quote from: Cindy on May 29, 2014, 02:13:24 AMI can't change your brain to suit your body, but I can help you change your body to suit your brain.
That is the most succinct and accurate explanation I've ever seen. What a great way to help people understand what is going on in transition.
You did exactly the right thing, Jessica. If there's one person you should be absolutely honest with, it's your therapist. He or she is (or should be) someone who looks at you from a neutral, unbiased position and can help you through this without any preconceptions or emotional attachment. Friends, family - they're useful to talk to, but they do have a nasty habit of steering you towards what they want you to be, not what you want to be. Just look at the number of stories of parents and other family members who disown trans children and siblings unless they repent and stop being trans. >:(
Because the therapist is someone who is neutral, you really have nothing to hide. The worst thing you could do is pretend that you're something you're not - therapists aren't mind readers, and if you go into therapy pretending that you're 100% sure, the therapist might wrongly assume that you're more gung-ho about transition than you really are.
I doubt seriously any legitimate gender therapist would hold you to what you wrote on that initial intake form. The purpose of therapy is to work through issues, to develop as a person, and if that development is that you're committed to transitioning after all, then so be it.
My own therapist has told me that he is most comfortable with clients who are still unsure - it's a good indicator that the client understands already the gravity of transition. It's no small process, and it's not to be taken lightly. Clients who come in basically asking for a letter, he's more concerned about because they might be rushing into something that they really haven't worked through properly. Generalizations, but illustrative of the fact that uncertainty about transition is a good thing, not a bad thing.
I'd also suggest trying to pin down your uncertainty. Are you uncertain about being trans, or are you uncertain about whether or not you want to transition? There's a huge difference. For me, I'm 100% certain I'm trans, but I'm not 100% certain I want to transition. If there was a way of stabilizing my mind and becoming content with my body without transition, then I'd take it in a second. The process of transitioning is an immense undertaking, largely irreversible, and there are many trans people who are trans inside their heads but take no (or few) steps to actually transition. It works for them.
But to answer your question - finally - I fully agree with the other posters in this thread. No good therapist will withhold endocrinology referral letters based upon your initial uncertainty. If, after enough therapy, you come to the conclusion that you do want to transition, then you'll have no trouble getting that letter. The therapist isn't there to rubber stamp letters for every person who walks in the door and proclaims that they are trans. The therapist is there to work precisely with people like you, who are questioning things, and help them to come to the right decision for their unique circumstances.
On a side note, enjoy the therapy. It'll have its ups and downs, its uncomfortable questions, and its moments of uplifting revelation. It's part of transitioning in its own way. Open up to the therapist, be brutally honest, because he or she is not judging you. It really is an amazing journey, and you should look forward to each and every session, tears and laughter and frustration and all. :)
As others have said - it's perfectly normal to go to a therapist with uncertainties - after all, if you were certain you wouldn't need the therapist, right? They expect uncertainty and a part of their job is to help guide you to a place of certainty about things. When I first went to therapy I thought that I was bigender and I the purpose of seeing her was to get some advice on how to deal with what I was feeling. 3 months later I walked out of her office certain that I was a transsexual :-\
Quote from: __________ on May 30, 2014, 07:08:39 AM
On a side note, enjoy the therapy. It'll have its ups and downs, its uncomfortable questions, and its moments of uplifting revelation. It's part of transitioning in its own way. Open up to the therapist, be brutally honest, because he or she is not judging you. It really is an amazing journey, and you should look forward to each and every session, tears and laughter and frustration and all. :)
This is one of the greatest parts of therapy. It is a chance to find out who you really are, and how the outside world sees and perceives you in a non-threatening environment. My own therapist still provides fascinating nuggets of information about me a year after we started seeing each other, and for this reason I really look forward to our session each month.
I won't kid you though - therapy will reveal some things about yourself that you won't like/will have to work on, and you may actually feel angry at your therapist from time to time. The therapist may give you advice that you think is really bad; mine did that to me and I thought she was nuts. Every time I later discovered that she was 100% correct in what she had told me.
A good therapist will assign homework that takes you out of your comfort zone. Mine sent me to a indoor ritzy mall in Beverly Hills to walk around en femme - the purpose of that was for me to get comfortable in my own skin. And I survived the experience :P
So be sure to enjoy the therapy :)
With the OP permission, how many do/did enjoy therapy?
I have to say there appears a minority who don't.
And yes a lot who are fearful when they start.
But in my experience many trans love talking to their therapist - to a point of clogging up the system ::)
Cindy, I found him very useful early on, but progressively less useful as I just got on with life. And yes, I did enjoy it. It was useful, challenging and sometimes outright hard work. But, on the whole, I enjoyed it. I wouldn't be the person I am today without it.. I don't think I'd have made it..
I didn't ever see a "gender therapist" per se, however I did see a female VA counselor for PTSD issues on an almost weekly basis for seven years and we discussed my gender issues at length, so I was able to kill two birds with one stone as she and the VA endocrinologist produced letters for my Orchiectomy and for my SRS that I later sidestepped. It's on file with Marcie Bowers just in case I change my mind at some future date. So in that respect it was helpful although I was pretty clear in my mind what I wanted to do from the outset, so it was more like an exercise of just verbalizing it to someone to clarify it in my own mind as well as hers.
I flat out told my gender therapist when I first started seeing her that I have no clue other then to try to sort out what is best for me to do given all the massive conflicting needs in my life. I wish I could be sure what is the "right" thing for me to do. I also know I have a totally horrible track record at that
Quote from: Cindy on May 30, 2014, 09:09:22 AM
With the OP permission, how many do/did enjoy therapy?
I have to say there appears a minority who don't.
And yes a lot who are fearful when they start.
But in my experience many trans love talking to their therapist - to a point of clogging up the system ::)
I guess I really like therapy. I'm not really close to many people so I keep my business really private. I've always felt like I've had two different lives but only displayed the one. It is nice to finally be able to share and talk and discuss my other life, the secret one, with someone else w/o having to worry about being judged, insulted or embarrassed about it.
Quote from: Cindy on May 30, 2014, 09:09:22 AM
With the OP permission, how many do/did enjoy therapy?
I have to say there appears a minority who don't.
And yes a lot who are fearful when they start.
But in my experience many trans love talking to their therapist - to a point of clogging up the system ::)
I like my therapist and enjoy talking to her, but I'm not sure if it's doing all that much good anymore. I feel like week after week it's the same thing and I've got nothing new to really share or talk about. My therapist assures me I'm making progress and discussing these things are all good, but really what's the point if I'm not getting better? I feel like I'm a waste of her time, quite honestly, and feel bad for even putting her through my drama to begin with.
I am waiting myself for first appointment yet the shot my foot thing may apply to me.
She lives in city couple hours drive away and does her appointments in evening. Waiting a few weeks I had thought to ask later if I should or if I even can even get a hormone level test but was honest in saying I am just plain confused and understood that question may be horse before the cart thing. I would like to think I haven't got the cannon out but I have admitted honestly just confused and a therapist is not a GP so maybe I haven't shot myself. As for the response to same question I did put plainly confused so guess a plus side and an honest one at that. I guess just asking you ladies if the medical requisition is a bit over the top?
May we all find the right decision for that fork in the road of life whatever that may entail:)
You absolutely did the right thing by telling your therapist the truth. That's the only way that she can help you. If you are not sure, then her job is to help you find yourself.
I think I told my Therapist dozens of times that I wasn't sure if I was transgender over the past few years, and finally I'm sure, and started HRT. It never hurt me that I told her the truth that I wasn't sure of myself. You don't want to start HRT unless you are sure that it is what you want to do.
Thank you and yes in this case the truth really does not hurt. And of course why I am seeing her to begin with to figure out the truth if you will. Time and myself will tell:)
Quote from: Jen72 on July 26, 2014, 11:10:26 AM
I am waiting myself for first appointment yet the shot my foot thing may apply to me.
She lives in city couple hours drive away and does her appointments in evening. Waiting a few weeks I had thought to ask later if I should or if I even can even get a hormone level test but was honest in saying I am just plain confused and understood that question may be horse before the cart thing. I would like to think I haven't got the cannon out but I have admitted honestly just confused and a therapist is not a GP so maybe I haven't shot myself. As for the response to same question I did put plainly confused so guess a plus side and an honest one at that. I guess just asking you ladies if the medical requisition is a bit over the top?
May we all find the right decision for that fork in the road of life whatever that may entail:)
Getting a T level test is no biggie for any GP to ask for. Think all the ED and raise your T adds on TV! I'll play The Amazing Karnack and say "The answer is... normal". Ultimately and endo or GP will/should establish a baseline level for T & E before HRT so as to gauge what the changes are for the doses you are given. Otherwise not much of a need to know beforehand.
If you are just want to know and don't want to ask a MD there are a couple of possible ways to know. You can get oral swab tests on-line for E and I assume also T. Also, depending upon what state you live in or are near to, there is at least one on-line site that I have used to get my T and E blood tests done through. Essentially they have a doc that writes up the script and it is set up through a major lab network. THe cost is reasonable. Not as reasonable as an insurance co-pay but not bad
Quote from: Heather on May 29, 2014, 06:01:06 AM
No you didn't shoot yourself in the foot. If you have any hesitation it's best to confront that now with your therapist. Once you start hormones they're really is no turning back it does change you. So talk these doubts out and make sure this is what you want then decide of this is the right coarse for you. :)
Yes Heather you are SO right. I am 6 weeks into daily estradiol valerate and micronized progesterone. This has affected my body in ways I largely expected and hoped for (developing breasts is off to a fine start) and in ways I didn't expect...
Being able to FEEL, especially genetic cis girls, much better what they feell...calmness and euphoria...body odor disappeared in 3 weeks...acne one face disappeared in 3 weeks...protruding nipples that are super obvious through my shirt already wow this is moving faster than I expected...softer, higher quality hair on my head, already...a strong urge to NOT get another haircut, just let my hair grow longer, naturally, at this time which I NEVER dreamed or thought of would happen before hormones...
Johanna.
I absolutely love Therapy! Both of mine have helped me tremendously and I owe them a lot for my successes. They were patient when I was pushing to go further than I was ready for and have been rock solid for me. I teared up a little when they told me I could go to every other week instead of weekly! :)
I told my psychologist exactly why I was there: "recommendation letters." I was not there for any other reason. On my recommendation letter she stated I was her most successful patient and then retired.
Thank you never thought of online as I live in Canada so health care thing a little different then USA.
I guess I am just excited yet anxious and frightened of what lies ahead. Which is probably normal well whatever normal is:) All that being said thank you so much for the information even though just starting to figure things out if you will it all helps knowledge is power after all.
Generally speaking health care in Canada is cheaper but more regulated. Go figure then again no health care plan is perfect. Fortunately I also live in Alberta or think fortunately all quirks between states/province and government in general.
The more I ask the more I understand you wonderful people and grateful to learn from such a caring group.:) It also helps me open up to like minded people been an introvert since I was hmm I don't know 1 year old no joke.
Yes, Jen, our friends here are great friends, full of comarderie, support, and great info.
Johanna.
Just tell the truth, never tell a therapist what you think they want to hear or with a slant on the truth for a desired outcome. Why pay to play mind games?
On a side note don't be afraid to change therapists if you feel the first does not understand and or you don't communicate well.
The only way you can "shoot yourself in the foot" with any qualified therapist is by not telling the truth.
I made my first appointment because a close friend caught me planning my own suicide and she hounded me to get help, so I did. I walked in and told the therapist about myself and that I thought I might be trans. She began asking questions about my past, about things that I'd buried. By the end of the first hour, I'd been crying and opening up about so many things that had tormented me over the years.
Later, six months later, I finally asked for my HRT referral. She told me that she was ready to give me that referral a month after I had begun therapy but waited for me to ask. I asked her when she was sure I was trans and she said by the end of that first session she was sure.
I only have my personal experience to go on but I was very fortunate to have gotten a therapist who I later discovered was one of the top trans therapists in my city. She works with a lot of trans clients and also teaches courses at one of the nearby universities, including courses about transgender treatment.
My advice is be truthful. Tell your therapist why you are there. Don't hide things because letting those out may trigger other memories. One of those cascading memories for me was one of my two best friends kissing me, me not fighting it, and me desperately wishing I could have been his girlfriend. That triggered because of something else we were discussing at the same time.
Give your therapist as much information as they ask for and be prepared to ask questions as well. Show interest in yourself and they'll show interest in you.
Now that I have my first appointment done and a second one in the works I do have a better understanding of what the therapist is really there for. By the way I have never ever seen a therapist/councillor whatever before in my life.
Yet to the point the whole reason for a therapist is basically this for them to hear you out and guide you and council you to what path you shall travel whatever that may entail. If you mislead your therapist then you are misleading yourself which really means it HURTS YOU in some form or other whether making the wrong decision or even going forward perhaps to fast for you.
All that being said if the therapist is not a good fit then time to find another. I think I have found a good one whom only has 3 years experience with transgender but a ton of social work. But she has learned under one of the gatekeepers so she has some know how aswell she admitted that the first one I spoke to actually has different specialty that could help. That to me shows sign of a good whatever that admits they don't know it all.
I hope all you out there find the right guide for you and most important be true to your therapist which also means be truthful to yourself:)
Quote from: Cindy on May 30, 2014, 09:09:22 AMWith the OP permission, how many do/did enjoy therapy?
I have to say there appears a minority who don't.
And yes a lot who are fearful when they start.
But in my experience many trans love talking to their therapist - to a point of clogging up the system ::)
There were days where I dreaded therapy. Being taken away by "the men in white coats" has been one of my worst recurring nightmares since early childhood. We would be driven past the Central Mental Hospital at least once or twice a week (it was along the route to a frequent destination of my parents'). There was almost always some comment, be it "There's the loony bin." or "That's where anyone who is not quite right in the head ends up." My parents considered mental illness of any kind in the family to be extremely shameful. This was passed on to me.
It took me over 15 years of recovery in NA, which also included many dozens of therapy sessions, to finally admit to myself that I might need to talk to someone about my need to be more female.
And yet, even through the trepidation, I never backed away from a scheduled appointment due to fear. I knew there was something deep inside that I had not admitted to, I just could not figure out what it might be. Once I admitted to myself that I was trans, I was finally able to start dealing with some of my other issues that I had not been able to come to terms with before.
I have had some good therapists, who were able to guide me through my fears. Even when I was fearful upon arrival, I felt a safety in their offices that allowed me to overcome my fears enough to talk.
The simple answer to Cindy's question is: Yes. I felt safe with each therapist I visited. I enjoyed that feeling of safety & acceptance.
(I need to learn to get to the point a whole lot faster.)
Tessa