Would you shut her out or keep talking?
Hello sisters. Most of my family came around and is fine with me except one. Two years later, I still haven't met my niece because my brother in law (let's call him Alex) still has a problem with me. All this just because I'm being myself now. Although we never were close, we were friends while was I was stuck as "male". I never ever did anything to him.
Because of this, it has caused a conflict between my sister and I. She's willing to meet anytime and says that he's the one with a problem with me. I love her very much but also am angry because I feel that she chose her husband over her family. Guess what? Alex always has wanted a son so when they found out her sex, he was very upset for a long time. If he's ashamed of his own daughter's gender, he isn't qualified to be a father. At all. No wonder his mom shot herself.
She is an adult and Ashley is her daughter too so she has the ability to make decisions for herself but as I said, I feel she chose him over us and lets him control her. So a year ago, I told her to refrain from contacting me until I can meet my niece. She and I got back in contact recently, and she offered to meet to discuss. But it'd only be for her to make more excuses on why her niece can't meet her aunt.
When we did talk last year, she and I had to make arrangements at family gatherings like Thanksgiving so that way I won't be able to see Ashley but still see rest of the family. I agreed to make arrangements by coming over at a later time to show that I still love her and would be patient. But enough is enough, it's time for me to be a family member and I will refuse to make arrangements from now on- I will go at the time the host (aunt) invite me. It's up to her to get her sh*t together or don't show up. It just felt so stupid and embarrassing that I had to leave every time she had Ashley. The last time I checked, my criminal record didn't indicate I'm a rapist, murderer, thief, or drug addict.
If you were in this situation, would you still include her in your life and talk to her or shut her out completely because you're not able to meet your niece? What they're doing is so wrong and nonsense. All the other cousins are happy for me and let me visit their newborns anytime. A friend even asked me to be the godmother for her newborn.
well, my situation is a little different . I haven't talked to my sister in 20 years because of an unrelated problem. I never thought I'd ever see any of my nieces and nephews again. I still probably won't see my other sisters children ever , but my niece contacted me over face book a year a go and its been a great feeling. I hope your nice is independent enough to reach out.
I Would ofcoure include her in my life. But I wouldn't make arrangements. If you choose to go at a different time, your distancing yourself form a niece you want to see. In a way your letting your self be shut out of your nieces life by your sisters and her bf, without it having any negative affects on them.
I don't see my nephew anymore, because of my sisters bf, but I still go to family gatherings as normal, she and he and me are invited as normal, they don't show up. But this is because they don't want to, not because somebody ells doesn't want them there. Not because I don't want them there.
Its my sisters bfs attitude that has left them out of family gatherings. They are just as welcome as me. But they don't show up, and don't interact with much of the family anymore, and when they do its when I'm not there and no way near as often. But unless its one of their gatherings I'm invited and always go when I'm supposed too.
So no don't cut them out, but don't put yourself out either. Do everything you can to keep a bridge built, don't be the one to tear it down :)if they tear it down, it doesn't reflect on you, and you will know you did all you could to be a good sister and aunt.
Quote from: ButterflyVickster on June 01, 2014, 08:09:27 PM
So no don't cut them out, but don't put yourself out either. Do everything you can to keep a bridge built, don't be the one to tear it down :)if they tear it down, it doesn't reflect on you, and you will know you did all you could to be a good sister and aunt.
This is exactly what I was going to say. It sounds like the rest of the family
wants you around. Don't deprive them because of some unreasonable demands from your brother in law.
There's a proverb that says (paraphrased), "show kindness to your enemies, and in doing so will heap burning coals on their heads and you will be rewarded." In other words, by taking the high road you demonstrate that you aren't the one with the problem and don't need to make accommodations. Your family -- and hopefully your sister -- will recognize it, and you stand a better chance of normalizing the relationship.
I wonder if reestablishing a regular relationship with your sister could be the first step in having a relationship with your niece as well. You've been patient a long time, but perhaps it will pay off with just a bit more time. Win your sister over, and see what happens next.
I learnt something very important six years ago when I became a fulltime single parent and I got treated like an outsider. And it is this.
I am not the problem.
No matter how childish some people act remember those five little words and smile.
Quote from: Urban Christina on June 01, 2014, 07:42:07 PM
I love her very much but also am angry because I feel that she chose her husband over her family. Guess what? Alex always has wanted a son so when they found out her sex, he was very upset for a long time. If he's ashamed of his own daughter's gender, he isn't qualified to be a father. At all. No wonder his mom shot herself.
She is an adult and Ashley is her daughter too so she has the ability to make decisions for herself but as I said, I feel she chose him over us and lets him control her. So a year ago, I told her to refrain from contacting me until I can meet my niece. She and I got back in contact recently, and she offered to meet to discuss. But it'd only be for her to make more excuses on why her niece can't meet her aunt.
The thing is, you can never compete with a spouse. The only time you may win against a spouse is if you're her child (and sadly, even then sometimes this doesn't happen). I understand your pain and frustration. But most people will side with the spouse over siblings, parents, etc.
And being a woman, she may not feel able to go against his wishes. She should be able to in theory, but many marriages have a power imbalance in favor of the husband. It's awful, but she's willing to see you without him. So, she hasn't entirely abandoned you. Hope things work out. I'm not condoning their actions, just trying to give a perspective on it. I wouldn't shut her out. She probably feels torn - the fact she will meet you alone sounds like she is.
I would go to the family events and show up at the time I was invited. I would also leave an invitation open to my sister to meet and talk. Sure, she might be full of excuses but at least you are still communicating and anything is possible if that is happening. Quit accommodating other people; they are the ones with the problem - not you.