Okay latley I haven't been in the best of moods and the next few weeks are going to be worde for me. (you know the drill we all have times of the year where we have those bad memories, those wounds that will not compleatley heal).
Now my usual tricks of coping using work and bowling are not working at much. (I'm now in the 140s constantly but I can't live at the alley). So instead of throwing myself a pity party (turning away from the cake) I've been thinking what drives us in life, transitioning is not easy no matter how far in life you journey or where you see yourself on the gender spectrum this is not an easy path we take. What fires us when we are down, what helps you to keep on going to dig deep and swing for the fences.
Now life is a river and we mearly drift upon the current. Everyone we meet influences us no matter how much we relise it. Using a carrot or a stick their words and actions DO shape our lives more then we know, belive or like to admit.
So what lights your fire when it starts to go down tells you that transitioning is going to be worth it even thou you are in pain at the moment, why and how? Do you lean on your friends in time of trouble? Is it the knowledge that you will survive. Or was/is there someone in your life that helped you before and memories.
For the members of Susan's and the lurkers in the ether, I'll tell you mine are you game to tell yours
Ok I have always looked at my maternal grandfather. He was the person who taught me to be how to be a quality human, showed me what a work ethic can do for you, my sense of loalyty, my bluntness, my twisted sense of humor and my legendary explosive temper. (With him, my sister mother and aunt all having it would be a good case of nature vs nurture considering we're both large families), and that just because we must follow the rules dosen't mean there are not loop holes in them. (he would teach his non catholic friends the Hail Mairy so they could get into church dances)
When we went to the Easter show the Ekka or I started to travel interstate solo not only would he fund us as reward for saving but also who was looking afterr us during that time to our suprise, (don't say he was a grandfather when you are talking over $100 here and you have around 12 grand kids please)
At his funeral three years ago I took a good hard look at myself and relised I had to transition. To do this I needed to get my finances under control first. Two years later I was finaly there, while not perfect the war chest is looking health and while this is my third time barring an unforseen act from God this will be my last.
So even thou I have day's I still want to hide under my bed his middle name will be my middle name and his memory is what drives me. Funny thou he would be one of the people I would be most terriffied of telling
"So how long have you known"
"Ummm since I was young"
"And you are only doing this now why"
looks at ground
"Gypsy why"
"Gypsy why"
He also taught us to face responsability for our actions, something else I'm slowly getting better at