My family for a few months after I started T and changed my name where so good about name checking and pronoun checking. My new name is sticking, but my close family members that I see fairly often mess up on pronouns so often these days. It's been 9 months. I noticed it starting at the beginning of the last month, but it's getting worse and worse. Like when I'm at home they feel like they can misgender me, but in public they won't do it. I feel like I have to have another talk with everyone to tell them that even if I'm taking a break from binding for the day/weekend that they are not to misgender me. I'm going for top surgery soon and I'm tired of feeling like my chest is what's making them do this.
I have a lot of chest dysphoria and use compression sports bras when people come to see me and it's the weekend. It works wonders (not miracles) but I sometimes feel like it's not working and I'm even more self conscious because I'm the one that has to be super forgiving and guilty while they continue to think all their work is optional. Any tips on how to have this conversation again in an adult manner that won't have me a wreck at the end?
I was thinking like
"You guys have been slipping back into calling me 'she or her more often lately, it makes me feel really anxious and dysphoric when you do that. I won't get mad if you at least correct yourself, but I don't want you taking me saying 'it's okay' when you mess up as a reason to never gender me correctly. You are my support and I don't like feeling bad about asking these things of you without you telling me how hard it is. It's hard for me too, to hear you telling me how hard it is and then you stop gendering me correctly. You use my name and then use 'she', my name isn't a feminine name. So it's really jarring and hurtful to me when you do it."
I can relate. New people are quick to pick up your chosen name and the right pronouns because they don't know any better. But family and old friends...I hear ya.
After a year on T it still goes wrong at times. Especially with the older folks, or when they talk behind your back. Or when they suddenly have to call you or whatnot. The old name and pronouns are rooted deeply into their systems after so many years of calling you that way.
It sounds like your family is accepting and trying, like mine. When it goes wrong after a long time of it going right, it hurts like a mother trucker. But I do not think they do it on purpose. What you have written seems like the right way to go about it. A small reminder that it really hurts you when they do it wrong should make them put a little more effort into it again.
Well, mine do it deliberately. >:(
I'm two years into my transition and 9 months on T so they've had time to get used to the idea, but they stubbornly refuse to. I gave them leeway until a couple of months ago. I'd correct them every time; a simple "Dude, you know better!" was my usual tactic but they stubbornly refused to gender me correctly, so I needed a new tactic.
So I told them that any time they misgender me, our conversation is over immediately. Because if they want to be rude to me, I'll just get rude right back. I've been known to walk out of the room whilst they're halfway through asking me for something. It's super effective; they came around pretty darn quickly. ;)
I'll be honest, this situation seems to have improved after top surgery. I honestly believe that, at least in my case, wandering around the house without a binder made it more difficult for them to see me as male and gender me correctly. Now that the evidence is plain to see, they've certainly cut down on their rude misgendering. Now, instead of calling me 'she', they tend to refer to me awkwardly in the third person, e.g. "Mum is cooking Mum's dinner". Ah well, we'll get there eventually.
FTM diaries: Doesn't it sting so much more when it's people you know are trying? It sucks! Sometimes it happens so fast or I won't even process that they're talking about me for a few minutes and I'm lost for words in the moment. It's never during a request bc my name is subbed in so it's like 'x can you abc for me?'. I do think it's when they aren't around me that they revert back so I've gotta crack down. I sometimes find myself remembering that top surgery isn't a holy grail but damn if it won't give me the traction I need.
Mr X. I know they mean well, but they do so well with my name that they never ever slip up and call me by my old one. That's what sort of cheeses me, that everyone took the time to practice that,but don't seem to hear themselves sometimes with pronouns. The little things can get you sometimes.
As for family, friends and even some closer repeat clients that commission me, I've been immediately correcting them. I don't even care if they fumble with an apology, correct themselves after I remind them or what have you. As long as it's being enforced back at them.
I noticed that even my daughter and husband have taken it up for me when it comes to my family. My daughter corrected my grandpa so much he actually started to finally use my new name and my husband did the same for my dad. Both who still feel that I'll "Always be their little girl" (pardon me while I go gag)
I hope you can get it through their heads that it's mentally necessary for them to get your pronouns right every time no matter how long down the road it is. I know I get super dysphoric as well around the family members who feel like this is all a "phase" and continue to be in denial that it's happening.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 04, 2014, 10:20:33 AM
So I told them that any time they misgender me, our conversation is over immediately. Because if they want to be rude to me, I'll just get rude right back. I've been known to walk out of the room whilst they're halfway through asking me for something. It's super effective; they came around pretty darn quickly. ;)
I think that's a very good idea. It sets a firm boundary without escalating into a verbal confrontation. I'm going to use that.
And I'm sorry to hear things are going like that, Campenella. :( I like the idea of explaining to them that you're sacrificing by being patient when they misgender you and saying it's ok, but that's not a pass for them to do nothing at all. Sometimes I don't think families legitimately don't realize that while it's hard for them to use a different word, but not doing so can ruin someone's entire day, week, etc..
Quote from: campenella on June 04, 2014, 11:34:52 AM
FTM diaries: Doesn't it sting so much more when it's people you know are trying? It sucks! Sometimes it happens so fast or I won't even process that they're talking about me for a few minutes and I'm lost for words in the moment. It's never during a request bc my name is subbed in so it's like 'x can you abc for me?'. I do think it's when they aren't around me that they revert back so I've gotta crack down. I sometimes find myself remembering that top surgery isn't a holy grail but damn if it won't give me the traction I need.
I think the reason why it's stinging you is because you know they
say they're trying, but their actions show that they're not yet 100% committed to trying. I don't think your family is anywhere near as bad as mine: I think they probably just need a gentle nudge to get them nearer that 100% trying mark. So if they say 'x can you abc for me?' and 'x' is a female pronoun or the wrong name, simply pretend you didn't hear them talking to you. That'll most likely make them repeat it, or say 'I asked can you abc for me?'. At which point you can gently say, 'Oh, were you talking to me? Sorry, you said 'x' so I figured you must've been talking to/about someone else, because as we all know I'm not 'x' any more.' A couple of instances like that will probably do the trick. Gently training them like that is a good way forward without hurting their feelings or getting into an argument. ;)
Oh, and if they're talking about you between themselves whilst you're standing there and mispronouning you, you could either just walk away (which is a useful tactic for any conversation that causes your dysphoria to spike) or you could act as if they've suddenly stopped talking about you and have started talking about some random woman instead. So interrupt them and say: "Sorry, who is this 'she' we're talking about now?" This gives you an opportunity to gently correct them: if they say it's you, you can act surprised and say something like "Oh, well we don't use 'she' for me any more, do we? Wow, has it really been 9 months since we all agreed that my name is 'x' and we're all going to call me 'he'? Boy, doesn't time fly!". You could then reinforce the message by saying how much happier you are now that
everyone is calling you 'he', and how much it means to you that your loved ones are making the effort. Considering how your family obviously loves you and are trying somewhat, a positive message like that is likely to be much more effective than a negative one about how much it hurts you when they don't make an effort.
What they call you behind your back when you're not around is, sadly, beyond your control. But the good news is: those pesky female pronouns will eventually dry up as you continue to transition. Remember: people tend to believe what they can see with their own two eyes far more than what you tell them, so when your transition gets to the point where you present as undeniably male with no remnants of female presentation left behind, they should naturally stop mispronouning you behind your back too... because they'd feel ridiculous to be doing so. And yes, top surgery was a major help for me in this department, so fingers crossed it should be helpful for you too.
FTMDiaries you helped me feel so much calmer with your advice! Thank you so much, you are amazing :) I'll try these methods that everyone has suggested and I think I'll feel more confident in the future.