Sigh. Yeah. You heard right. I've been a bit pissy lately (like in the "I think I got clocked by a 5 year old" thread) for a reason.
The reason why? Well. I was browsing this tumblr below. And instantly things started to reconnect in my brain like clockwork.
http://johnny-escobar.tumblr.com/archive
Especially check out the stuff from March 2013 and onwards.
Oh yeah, some no-nudes, don't worry about that. It's images of dream cars, luxury apartments, money and power, no-nude girls.
Yeah I rant and rave against male privilege, but this is some seriously alpha dog kind of stuff to look at. Is it worth the trade?
I don't know. But I've hit the brakes.
Thoughts?
FYI I also posted the same topic in the F2M forum.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,166361.0.html
I'm not seeing anything I can't have as a woman.
Sure. But to 'get there' would be 100X harder as a trans woman, no? The odds are impossibly stacked. At least I feel that way.
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 05:25:57 AM
Sure. But to 'get there' would be 100X harder as a trans woman, no? The odds are impossibly stacked. At least I feel that way.
You are sure You wanna get there? Lots and lots and lots of cars.... meh. Or was there smth else?
Maybe I've hung around with too many women who were happy, wealthy, go getters..
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on June 04, 2014, 06:20:03 AM
You are sure You wanna get there? Lots and lots and lots of cars.... meh. Or was there smth else?
"She has the beauty and looks. He has the money and power. It's a match made in heaven."Here's the thing. If you are a guy transitioning to female. What are the odds that you'll make top shelf status in the beauty department? Or bump a beautiful cis gal away from a wealthy man? Probably - 0. But the money, power, and male privilege aspect is tangible to that same guy, and can be worked on, now.
Isn't being true to who you are more important?
I've just worked out my completely 'meh' attitude to this..
Money is no longer exciting to me.. I know that material wealth is a hollow form of happiness.
I got the girl.
I've been a rich man.. ($180k a year working 12 hours a week, 90's money.)
I've been a poor woman.
My life is so much richer as the poor woman.
Evelyn, it all depends on what you value in life.
Personally no, it's not worth it to me. I'm too old to be worrying about young girls and super cars that while cool looking are horribly impractical. I have other dreams that I want so much more and transitioning is at the top right below my son.
It's not a matter of realism of if one can do something easily or not. It's about having the drive to be able to accomplish something. If you the alpha dog life and to transition well yes it's harder but in an equation that is already in fantasy land then one should be aware that it is equally difficult to achieve that dream trans or not. So if you want it then study on how people are succeeding at getting that dream, model a plan, an execute it. That seems to work for me on most of the problems I solve in life anyway.
Oh and if you decide to go that route give us a call. I for one am totally willing to be photographed half naked on your expensive car if you're footing the bill. :D
Quote from: Olivia P on June 04, 2014, 06:35:00 AM
Isn't being true to who you are more important?
This was basically my thoughts on it. I have had material things and power in certain groups and it never made me happy for more than a fleeting moment but being true to myself has a sort of lasting fulfillment.
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 06:28:50 AM
What are the odds that you'll make top shelf status in the beauty department? Or bump a beautiful cis gal away from a wealthy man? Probably - 0. But the money, power, and male privilege aspect is tangible to that same guy, and can be worked on, now.
One this doesn't always work out for cis girls as when you are treated like an object you are often traded as one too. I've known too many doctors and businessmen who tire of their now not so young wife and trade them in for a younger one. Prenup lawyered up sadness all around.
And anything is possible if one wants it enough.
Honestly, wealth, money, and power you are looking at aren't exactly in reach for most men either. I personally can't see the point of a car worth more than a modest comfortable home that is easily within each to either male or female...
Take those money and power away from him. What is he?
Hmm... I won't be top shelf, but I'll be respected as a female. I'll take it! Then again, I've never had money. BTW, I've seen some absolutely gorgeous women who have always been broke.
Maybe you wont accept that, but why is it so important to you?
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on June 04, 2014, 07:05:27 AM
Take those money and power away from him. What is he?
Yeah, I never really liked the idea of being defined by my possessions.
I'll get a decent and nice looking motorbike one day, though.
I think her beef with the whole situation is that she'll never be the best, so why go for it at all?
But in reality, it doesn't matter what you have if you're not happy with who you are.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on June 04, 2014, 07:17:53 AM
I think her beef with the whole situation is that she'll never be the best, so why go for it at all?
Because life finally feels comfortable? :)
I didn't say I live by the premise, but some people are just wired to aim for the best.
Its funny I saw a lot of in substantial objects, and some very curvy woman in those photos.
None of which I would want. or do I? I was envious of a bottom or two.
But as far as the male privilege is concerned I have wondered if it might be easier to achieve my goals as an activist? But it fades away quickly when I think of how much Id be giving up.
My only goal in life is to make life better for others by working to make mine better. The trouble with me is the more I have the more I give away. Having more then what I need makes me feel selfish every time I pass a person less fortunate then myself.
lol, But replace every car with an ornate dress and some extravagant shoes...???.
PS. I always ask myself why am I doing this? Truth is in man mode, all my future was, was a flat with a bed and Tv and an internet connection, and miserable depressing job (all job would be depressing in man mode) while I existed living waiting to snuff it, and I got bored of waiting. So I had to have this one thing, before I could want anything ells, because without all I want is ......... So its about life and fulfilment.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on June 04, 2014, 07:17:53 AM
But in reality, it doesn't matter what you have if you're not happy with who you are.
You can have everything, everybody but you could ever want, but without that one thing you want it isn't worth a thing.
Quote from: ButterflyVickster on June 04, 2014, 07:26:39 AM
PS. I always ask myself why am I doing this? Truth is in man mode, all my future was, was a flat with a bed and Tv and an internet connection, and miserable depressing job (all job would be depressing in man mode) while I existed living waiting to snuff it, and I got bored of waiting. So I had to have this one thing, before I could want anything ells, because without all I want is ......... So its about life and fulfilment.
My thoughts and experience summed up well.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on June 04, 2014, 07:30:09 AM
My thoughts and experience summed up well.
People say to people all the time, once you get what you want, you will always want something ells.
But that's the point as far as Im concerned, it true. Ever since not being a girl started to affect my life for the negative, that all ive wanted. And without this one thing I couldn't see past it. Now Im on my way, there is all sorts of other things I want. I actually have now, a future I want to work towards :), so yes I sometime wonder if, trying to get there as cis-male image might make it easier to get. But that's because I forget how bad I felt before, the improvement in my mood, and my motivation for life all come from wear im going. Put me back in the living coffin and all this motivation and enjoyment life gives me is gone. So having this one thing makes me want other things(blows a big raspberry)
Just so you know the conversation is ongoing on the other side as well with some relevant parallels.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,166361.0.html
BTW: I haven't aborted the mission outright, but having thoughts about it and that may change. I did benefit from E of course. ;D
And no worries, I'm not going to turn this into a drama or multi page monologue.
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 07:53:25 AM
Just so you know the conversation is ongoing on the other side as well with some relevant parallels.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,166361.0.html
BTW: I haven't aborted the mission outright, but having thoughts about it and that may change. I did benefit from E of course. ;D
And no worries, I'm not going to turn this into a drama or multi page monologue.
Well I wasn't worried :P and to be honest, doubting ourselves and re evaluating our situation is the only way we can know if its still the right thing for us to do :)
if you clean a window and close the curtains, you cant just assume the window is still clean, you need to open them and re asses the window. :)
Just to be sure
I think we re missing a point here
its not about what you can do etc etc its about what you are
I know that if I remained male I would have such an easier time
but I aint no male , so I aint give a ->-bleeped-<- about any sort of privilege they might have
I dont care about it at all, I just dont want them to mess with me,,,
being trans is hard we all know
but its about living an authentic life
than living an easy lie
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 07:53:25 AM
And no worries, I'm not going to turn this into a drama or multi page monologue.
Oh, please no worries too - we are pretty good and confident in hyping up multi-page dramas ourselves :).
Quote from: FalseHybridPrincess on June 04, 2014, 08:12:14 AM
I think we re missing a point here
its not about what you can do etc etc its about what you are
TOTALLY AGREED! This is it in a nutshell.
For many of us, I think it's not just natural but obligatory to spend substantial time thinking about what we could gain or lose when we transition. Some of us simply have to transition; others (like me), well, we have been luckly enough to be able to choose the place and time.
Possible losses #1: status at work; maybe income; running in the park at 11:30pm; walking home at 2am
Possible losses #2: male clothing that never used to fit me anyway
Possible losses #3: my beard. Yay, finally!!!!
Possible losses #4: bits of anatomy that I'm not exactly gonna miss
Possible losses #5: a car that now looks faintly ridiculous with The Girl behind the wheel
Possible losses #6: those interminable and mind-numbing guy conversations that focus on stuff, and how much of it
Gains #1: I've got The Girl. It's a 20-year old dream! It's not perfect, but she's happy and so are her friends and family
Gains #2: suddenly I'm a size 36; everything just fits almost perfectly!
Gains #3: girl conversations. Finally I don't need to pretend I'm gay, and then only be half-included in them
I'm trying to be serious and humourous at the same time. It's not always an easy call. Many of us have not been given the best breaks in the world. But I'd happily give up a lot of the power and status just to be who I want to be.
Hugs
Julia
Material things over me being happy with myself, no contest whatsoever, I'll take me. I don't have much to begin with, also had to give up a lot of stuff being homeless (twice). I have enough personal belongings to fit into a single large duffle bag, probably with all my clothes too. One thing I've come to know over the years, even though there was I time that I got caught up on 'collecting' stuff, it never made me happy and the more I got the worst I felt, but that's because its not what I really wanted.
I was reading through a lot of your posts last night, and it seems to me that you just like pretty things. Do you really feel like you are a woman, really, truly? If so, don't give that up, you'll hate yourself later. Or maybe its just the thought of being a beautiful woman that entices you? Ooh, pretty face, nice long hair, soft smooth skin...but wait, this is sweet and all, but I don't know if I can handle living my life this way! Tough choice for you. Risk all the bull->-bleeped-<- transgender people have to go through to find happiness within yourself, and possibly live in poverty as well, or @#$% it, it was fun for that little bit, but...
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on June 04, 2014, 08:34:20 AM
Oh, please no worries too - we are pretty good and confident in hyping up multi-page dramas ourselves :).
Actually I think I might have unwittingly stirred a hornets nest. I mean the gall. Walking into a male forum only to be flogged for asking them if they identify with these male privilege/status kinda things.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Foi62.tinypic.com%2F11ah2xk.jpg&hash=ffb4e8a77c03119fbe970167a13c44caba7a4266)
I'm a woman. I'll deal with the hardships we face as women, anyday, over having male privelage, over having money, cars, power, etc.
None of those things would mean anything to me if I wasn't happy wih myself.
I had to lol at this one.
http://johnny-escobar.tumblr.com/post/65940359221/lamborghini-aventador (http://johnny-escobar.tumblr.com/post/65940359221/lamborghini-aventador)
Because I'm probably the only person in the world who wasn't like "Oooh! Lambo!"
Instead I noticed the Il-38 in the background first :P
I'm such an aviation nerd :P
I've been pretty successful as a guy, and have gotten to run in some rare circles and with some extremely famous people. Here recently I had decided to buy a lambo(probably a 6.0 diablo or early -Murci, much prefer the iconic diablo though) and was shopping pretty hard before realizing the actual reason I wanted to buy one.
The thing is, all those things were done to keep my mind off of GD, and convince myself I was a real man. But what's the point of having accoutrements if they're just a distraction? As nice as upper class white male privilege can be(especially compared to being trans) what's the point if you spend your life as an imposter?
So yeah. Now lambo fund is dedicated to something else more worthwhile.
I guess this is my official very first nervous breakdown thread (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Foi57.tinypic.com%2F1qna09.jpg&hash=e6e5e5898556b83a5c3fe25531e9202a95631325)
Has anyone here ever had one of these?
I think I better sleep. 1:00PM EST.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Foi62.tinypic.com%2F15d742c.jpg&hash=1bc443353d8167962e1dab614eb36e7514a79e5f)
Hi Evelyn,
Obviously, I don't know you. But I feel that I can say with a high degree of certainty that if you pull the plug on your transition trajectory now, the day will come (sooner than you think) that YOU. WILL. REGRET IT!
I won't bore you with tales of all that I gave up (and lost) when I transitioned. But I will tell you this... in the 16 years since I went full time and totally committed myself to life as I woman, the only regret that has ever put a serious wrinkle in my peace of mind from time to time is that I did not transition at a younger age.
This conversation reminds me of something that my best friend said to me when I came out to him all those years ago. In horror he said, "You wanna be a woman? Why would you want that?" And when I told him that transition is my only chance at happiness in this lifetime, he said this to me: "Why would you want to be happy when you could be normal?"
Sixteen years into my life as Miharu, driving a 9 year old car, living in a modest but beautiful 3000 square foot home in a beautiful neighborhood, happily married, and the girliest-girl by far on my block, I can honestly say that I'm happier today than I have ever been at any time in my past. And I fully expect life to continue to get better and better into my future.
And this moment, this life, this body, this hair, this big beautiful diamond solitaire wedding ring... this is the reason "why be happy when you could be normal."
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Let's look at it from another perspective. People with certain disabilities are not "Top shelf" either, and have the same chances of pulling a guy away from a cis girl as we do. They can't really change it, but they go on with their lives. They cannot change it. They are still loved.
I'm poor have no toys could care less of any thing male privilege could possibly bring me. haven't had a car since I was a teenager. Far more interested in my math hobby . As long as I can afford HRT I'm one extremely happy camper. Oh yea food and shelter and also some sort of working lap top
I didn't do this to be pretty. I did this to be true to myself. I just do the best I can with what I have left to work with, and I feel good about that. F*** what anyone else thinks. F*** male privilege. F*** society. I am the real me now and that's all that ever mattered.
35 years ago I had a decent 327 Chevelle and 2 Triumph bikes.I had a gorgeous head turning girlfriend and was earning good money in a rubbish job in a factory and life sucked as a guy.
I haven't had a bike for 28 years or a car for 12 years. I have an OK job with long hours and rubbish wages,I've been single for 9 years and walk with a stick a lot of the time but wouldn't swap being a woman for anything I had before
Quote from: Jill F on June 04, 2014, 01:20:29 PM
I didn't do this to be pretty. I did this to be true to myself. I just do the best I can with what I have left to work with, and I feel good about that. F*** what anyone else thinks. F*** male privilege. F*** society. I am the real me now and that's all that ever mattered.
I feel the same way myself. I would give a +1 if I could, but I cannot....
The question for me is what is the real illusion? Is it an illusion that fully transitioning will make me happy, or is it that power and what money can buy will make me happy? There are risks that either one may be unsatisfying over time. So I guess the real question is what in me feels compelled to seek one or the other.
I am the consummate over-achiever who has grabbed all the brass rings. I bought into the illusion that this would be the source of my happiness. The quest for money and power has been for me an insatiable quest. Once I hit the next plateau, be it a position or possession, I am content for the moment. The contentment is short-lived. Then I feel I need more, I become increasingly competitive and cannot enjoy what I have achieved. I am constantly looking over my shoulder at what others have that might make the difference. Seen in this way, it's more an addiction that a source of happiness. And the time and effort is enormous and never ending.
The quest to resolve my dysphoria could also be based on jealousy. Perhaps I want to become what I envy in the woman I observe – a simpler and more gentle way of life. Perhaps my quest for money and power have been a distraction to quiet my gender dysphoria, and therefore resolving the dysphoria holds the key to my happiness. Or maybe it's just one more quest to quiet the normal discomfort of being a human. I don't know, and that is why I am in therapy. All I do know is that the quest for money and power have not quieted my soul or made me happy.
WOW! DO these photo's actually mean success!! Cool cars and attractive (half nude) women. Not a single pic grabbed my attention....though I only looked briefly in able to respond correctly to this thread.
Yes I do believe the U.S. is a very materialistic society....why else would Kim Kardashian even be on tv. I don't think its just directed toward gender though. One reason I am divorced is because my ex wanted to live beyond our means. She is now free to do that with her new husband, and it is easier for her since there is 2 incomes in there house. I know though the stripes on a tiger don't change!! She just recently bought a new vehicle, but the old one was only about 4 years old. Money and materialistic things for her and our children are high on the list. Our children's future and who they become as young adults is never considered.
This reminds me of part of a show I caught last night called celebrity wife swap. It was with the wives of David Justice and Dweezle Zappa. The materialistic attitudes of both men were completely opposite, but even more so for the wives. Sure Dweezle isn't as rich as Justice but what the Justices seen as needs were something almost anyone would see as gluttony or ignorance. The wife of Justice disgusted me thoroughly, one of the worst things she did was to give Dweezle Zappa's child a cell phone....she thought this it was unheard of for a 12 year old not to have a cell phone. It made her mother cry when she found out. What did she provide for her by letting her get a cell phone at such a young age?
I know darn well I would have a bit more things for myself and my children would be more spoiled if I had any money. But I know I would still base my decisions on my values and morals in life. I do make some purchases on myself that I don't need to do....but not too often....such as manicures, Pedi's and some clothing. I do need to do some of these to keep me feeling better about myself though. I am no good to my children if I am hating myself even more. When it comes to materialistic things (besides cloths) nothing really excites me. Just recently I returned a 32" flat screen tv I bought, I already have a small flat screen in kitchen and thought do I really need this one also. I decided to stick with the big boob tube in the living room!! The only regret I had was that I got such a good deal on it. Just like all my clothing....I never buy anything unless its not on clearance or from a thrift store, and my wardrobe is very a updated and an attractive one. One can still be thrifty and still look good!!
When I lived as a guy - and I was one, for a while - none of this stuff interested me then, and still less now. My father is the "money above all" type, and I just never got the point; I'd rather be *happy* than collect a lot of pretty toys.
Honestly, I think many men who actually grow up get over the phase of drooling over stuff like that. Not all, but the attitude on that tumblr seems awfully immature. (Not to mention objectifying women.) Heck, to check I sent it to a cis male friend of mine who's sort of my go-to for normal guy attitudes and he emailed back an eyeroll and "Is this dude 16"? :)
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 12:14:21 PM
I guess this is my official very first nervous breakdown thread (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Foi57.tinypic.com%2F1qna09.jpg&hash=e6e5e5898556b83a5c3fe25531e9202a95631325)
Has anyone here ever had one of these?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Foi62.tinypic.com%2F15d742c.jpg&hash=1bc443353d8167962e1dab614eb36e7514a79e5f)
YES I HAVE, especially when, I notice a male trait or behaviour in a part of my personality, it sends me for a loop, not just discovering male traits, but reacting differently to a woman in a situation, it all sends me for a loop.
But the point is, I get out of that situation doubt myself but rebuild from the ground up, but people are different. Theirs something about me that no matter how masculine I look, or how Manish some parts of my personality are, I still identify female, and its that what I struggle with, how in all my life can I feel female in my male body, I take gender away from everything, so I want long heir bot female hair, I want skirts and dresses and body con clothes, I want boob and a vagina, I want to wear heels. I don't like leg hair, I don't like facial hair, I like earings. but if none of this makes me a woman, why do I still identify as one?? Why do I like men if im not comfortable being with one with the exsistance of this third leg?
Sp the only thing I can say is, I female because I am
None of that does anything for me. If it did though and being a man was the way I could get it, I would have to go without.
This, whatever it is, is not something I can turn off or seperate from the rest. It's not something that I am going through, it's who I am.
Mikaela
Just woke up.
Wow I got negged twice? :P I guess I'm now the big bad evil Evelyn. ;D
I don't really know you, but I still love you.
HUGS!
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 05:41:02 PM
Wow I got negged twice? :P I guess I'm now the big bad evil Evelyn. ;D
Hehe I'm actually deleting the account shortly. Haven't decided if I'm getting off the mones or not. Oddly out of habit I swallowed another E tab on schedule. :D
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 05:41:02 PM
Wow I got negged twice? :P I guess I'm now the big bad evil Evelyn. ;D
Transgender people often have self esteem issues, which leads to thin skin.
And what good does deleting your account do?
Wha? What about your pretty hair? You going back to boring ol' sex?
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 05:46:42 PM
Hehe I'm actually deleting the account shortly. Haven't decided if I'm getting off the mones or not. Oddly out of habit I swallowed another E tab on schedule. :D
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 05:46:42 PM
Hehe I'm actually deleting the account shortly. Haven't decided if I'm getting off the mones or not. Oddly out of habit I swallowed another E tab on schedule. :D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FONN-0uoTHI
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 05:46:42 PM
Hehe I'm actually deleting the account shortly. Haven't decided if I'm getting off the mones or not. Oddly out of habit I swallowed another E tab on schedule. :D
You know I've done this almost every site that I've ever been to, sometimes more than once, but somehow, even when purging to start anew, I didn't do it for this place, guess I felt I may need to come back again someday (though I couldn't find my password for the longest time), and so here I am.
Maybe you just need a short break away to think things through for yourself without any other minds muddling things up into a mixed bag of confusion. Just misplace your password some place that you wouldn't think to look, and maybe when you are ready to come back here (if you ever want to) it'll just suddenly pop up, like, "hey, over here, looking for me!?".
Even for the most obviously transgender woman, the decision is hard because of the things we perceive we're giving up, but this journey has been so worth it for me I wouldn't think of going back. When they bury me it's going to be as a woman. Truthfully, Evelyn, I mourn for you, because if something so transitory and meaningless (at least to me) as money and power is enough for you to even think of de-transitioning, you're one mixed up lady. I hope you make the right decision, whatever that may be. I wouldn't stop anything until I talked to your endo or therapist first. I think the decision to de-transition is actually bigger than transitioning, because you're walking away from such an important part of your life that you're now saying isn't the way of life you thought it would be. I've come to the point where if transitioning didn't work for me, I wouldn't waste another day on this planet and I would end things permanently. Please think this through. Hugs, Mira
Your identity how you identify yourself can't really be taken away without you letting it. Hurricanes, recessions, criminals, etc etc can all take away the material things. Why gamble your identity for a chance at something that is ultimately so frail? A lot ofof the richest people in the world right now started off as nerds tinkering in there parents basement with a phone line in the back of their 486 computer. Are they really a different person with money? Are the half naked ladies after them? If they were 30 years old showered weekly and lived in the parents basement do you think the cars interest them? No! That hiding in a secure place is their identity they tend to hold their identity even with the money. A poor extrovert would likewise turn into a rich extrovert. You are you. You aren't money.
Ask what and who you want to be, because the day may always come that you feel like you lost everything I doubt that a sense of self is easier to lose than money or belongings.
This entire website with more than 11 million posts exists because of the incredible need to be able to be self aware and self identify on a deeper level than money could ever touch.
Anyone has the ability to be wealthy, its rare for people to be absolutely true to themselves.
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 05:41:02 PM
Wow I got negged twice? :P I guess I'm now the big bad evil Evelyn. ;D
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 04, 2014, 05:46:42 PM
Hehe I'm actually deleting the account shortly. Haven't decided if I'm getting off the mones or not. Oddly out of habit I swallowed another E tab on schedule. :D
I hope you're not deleting your account because of mine and another's negative rep. point on you. Reading through this thread, it seems like your topic/comments in the FTM section (which landed you neg reps) was you taking your insecurities about yourself and channeling your anger about it onto the transguys.
If you're feeling that bad and are unsure about your identity, just quitting the site might not be very helpful. Maybe taking a short break to clear your head some will be good for you, but Susan's Place can be helpful on figuring things out if you go about it the right way.
Topic has now run it's course.
Topic locked