In spite of what we have been told or the experience of others, transition is a journey with unanticipated consequences. Were you at all naive in your expectation? What were your unexpected losses, and what were your unexpected benefits?
I expected to lose almost everything, but I only lost a few "friends" and a drunkle.
I was pretty much as good as dead if I didn't transition, so I guess I had nothing to lose. Turns out it was the best decision I ever made, and now I want to live long enough to be a little old lady.
OK, I'm kidding about the little part...
So far? I didn't expect to be ushered out of all male conversations, especially when it is about something everybody involved used to respect my opinion on.
Benefit I get to walk away complaining to my sister, laugh about what I thought id expect, let them mess things up and come back with an I told you so, and feel smug. :)
they might not let me be involved in getting it right, but I don't have to help them do it wrong either :p
Some family members who I expected would support me have become absent and no longer socialize with me. I expected some rejection, but that rejection has depressed me more than I thought it would.
I came out at the office after 8 months on HRT. My boss, an older woman who I thought would be very uncomfortable, has been nothing but positive and supportive. . In fact, the whole office who are mostly women have been outstanding in their support and accommodation, including suggesting that I should now use the ladies room.
Quote from: ButterflyVickster on June 04, 2014, 09:22:24 PM
So far? I didn't expect to be ushered out of all male conversations, especially when it is about something everybody involved used to respect my opinion on.
I have experienced that same dismissive attitude by certain family members. Not only is my opinion less valuable, it must be assumed that I can no longer repair things (plumbing, electrical, ...) I have always been able to fix.
I expected to lose everything and everyone.. In the end, lost no one.. And nothing.
The benefits are that I get to live my life as me.
As it turned out, my expectations were fairly realistic.
The losses were expected; a few not so close friends and a neo-nazi brother.
The one unexpected benefit I can think of was that my nieces became my new best friends/new sisters.
The first family member I cam out to besides my wife and close friends was my father. I knew he would be the hardest to tell and probably not accept even though he had told me he supported gay marriage despite being a gun carrying republican (and retired from the railroad police department.) Since we live 1000 miles apart I also wanted to tell him in person and it just happened that he was the first I would see first. He at first was open to it and then basically told me to go back into the closet. Here is what he told me would happened and what actually happened if I went down this path of destruction (as he put it.)
- Consequence: I would lose my wife
Reality: My wife has been supportive from day 1 and we are closer now than ever. If we were to ever break apart it would have nothing to do with me transitioning.
- Consequence: Our business would fail (my wife and I own a small computer software/consulting company)
Reality: After coming out to all of our customers, all accepted and all they cared about is how good of a job we did and we didn't loose anyone. We renewed several contracts and have acquired a few new ones.
- Consequence: It would lose friends and family
Reality: I didn't loose a single friend. The only family members that have not been supportive or accepting is my father and his (3rd) wife (who is a Southern Baptist utlra-conservative) and 2 of his conservative sisters. His other sister has been supportive and we chat on Facebook regularly.
- Consequence: It would lead to a life of misery
Reality: I'm happier now than I have ever been my entire life. I feel more like myself and I couldn't be happier with who I am now
I will say that going into this I knew that there was a possibility of loosing my wife. However my wife is my best friend and even when there were doubts as to whether we stay married, my wife knew that I had to be my true self. If we had not stayed married, we would have still been best friends. Fortunately she decided to stay married with me and her own issues with coming out as bisexual to her parents. Once her parents we on board (and it took some time for them to accept it) our relationship pretty much solidified at that point. My mother and stepfather and everyone in her family (some even in TN) have been supportive. My brother, step sisters and step brother have all be accepting. Both my wife and I were invited to one of my step-sister's baby shower next month.
The only unexpected consequence was losing the "male privilege" in certain areas. My first experience of this was 2 weeks ago when a client was getting a new FiOS internet line installed and the installer literally ignored me in the beginning. One he understood that I was the technical person in charge he was OK. However I had to work twice as hard if I had been male to prove that I knew what I was doing when it came to networking.
Some unexpected benefits has been getting close to my wife friends. One of them had lost some weight and sent me a dress that I love. Another unexpected benefit is now I love dancing. Whereas before as male I couldn't stand it.
All in all the benefits outweigh the disadvantages a thousand times over and I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Quote from: Sydney_NYC on June 04, 2014, 10:21:41 PM
Some unexpected benefits has been getting close to my wife friends. One of them had lost some weight and sent me a dress that I love. Another unexpected benefit is now I love dancing. Whereas before as male I couldn't stand it.
Dancing, cooking, shopping, anything stereotypically female. I hated them all because they were major dysphoria triggers. Even when my wife got all dolled up, I'd tell her it wasn't necessary.
I am not quite completely "out" yet so my story is unfinished. Here's my score so far:
Losses:
I lost a marriage of 27 years to my soul mate.
I lost a very good male friend that is intimately familiar with trans issues (very hard to explain that one but it hit me hard).
I lost all of my physical strength.
I lost a sad, dreary, pointless male life that I never really liked.
Benefits:
I have made lots of new friends, and I have discovered that is it very easy now for me to make friends.
I am far more bold and adventurous now - I want to try everything.
I am no longer afraid of everything.
I have a completely new attitude and i'm a very confident person now.
I now socially fit in with people whereas before I did not.
I now have a better idea of who my true friends are and who will stick with me as I go through the rest of this.
I look far younger now. Someone recently told me while sitting on a couch next to me that he thought I was in my 30's. He was shocked to learn I am 51.
I have gained far more acceptance as Eva than <boy name> ever enjoyed.
I have gained emotions and empathy and compassion.
I have gained the ability to multitask.
People are far nicer to me.
I have gained happiness and contentment.
Quote from: eClare on June 04, 2014, 09:03:20 PM
In spite of what we have been told or the experience of others, transition is a journey with unanticipated consequences. Were you at all naive in your expectation? What were your unexpected losses, and what were your unexpected benefits?
Unexpected losses: (1) A couple friends who couldn't deal with me talking about my transition. (2) The brutal reality of dating as a trans woman. No one, no one, when they put up their online dating profile, says "Oh Boy! I hope I meet a 52-year-old woman who used to be a dude!" (3) Being given the "cold shoulder" by people who are not attracted to me. I am basically invisible to people who don't think I am useful to them, something that didn't really happen when I was a man.
Unexpected benefits: (1) Feeling TOTALLY comfortable in the company of women. Like I belong there naturally. I never imagined I would actually pass as a woman or be accepted like a cis woman. (2) The lesbian community is full of intense, interesting, intelligent women, not all of whom hate transgirls. It's been a worthwhile world to travel in. (3) Feeling 100% ME. I never realized that there was a huge part of my being that wasn't being expressed. I never wanted to dress in women's clothing, act feminine, etc., but now that I do it, if feels like a part of my soul has been set free.
I literally had absolutely nothing , now I have everything
Unexpected Loss -
- My best friend of 10+ years (and also my smoking buddy)
- Toxic friendships with ignorant people.
- a rocky unstable marriage
- a controlling and unilateral sense of sexuality and intimacy
Unexpected Gain -
- A completely female mind set... I still feel like I'm in a male body, but my mind has this encompassed sense of femininity that I never expected, I mean i knew hormones would change a few things mentally... but it literally made me from "confused male who feels female" to "adamant female who is desperate to see the female transformation."
- At first i was afraid i wouldn't be able to play the part or like my anxiety around my family or friends would be too much to handle for me to be myself... Now I behave female in every way because it just feels like "this is how I'm meant to behave, its how I've always felt", and the anxiety i use to get about "oh no, how am I supposed to behave female around my family >_< awkward!" have completely gone away.. In the search and finding of my female identity, my behavior, speaking voice, mannerisms, walk, responses, etc. Have become unexpectedly female to the point where its a natural response and i have no control over it
- The realization that my male behavior was a very elaborate act that deserves a golden globe award.... If I try to act male now, i fail so miserably that its obvious how before I would force a male persona masterfully... by that logic, I must have had some blind male friends or male friends in denial, because my girl friends saw right through the bull->-bleeped-<-.
- My depression has vanished (the kind not related to dysphoria or dysmorphia), the inexplicable and crippling depression i've lived 23 years with has vanished, and hasn't returned since the moment my bell went off.
- Increase in patience. I was always more impatient than a hyperactive, ADHD, DMV attendant... wanted everything to be done QUICK and EASY. Now I have this incredible sense of patience to deal with so many things in my life, and to wait for things a lot better... granted i still have a bit of impatience, but who doesn't?
- I'm a daring thrill-seeker now, I use to be timid and afraid of doing ANYTHING outside my comfort zone ~ Now i'll do everything at least once and chances are i'll enjoy it.
- My emotions are more controllable and easier to express.
- I think i look more attractive now than I did as male (granted, thats probably a result of losing a ton of weight and actually having a fashion sense now, which brings me to my next point....
- I HAVE A SENSE OF FASHION NOW lol.
- People actually like me for me and not for who I use to be.
- I was always social, but now I'm even MORE social.
- I'm open and true about who I am, and I'm not afraid to be weird by any definition.
- I've matured WAY more
- Sex is way more amazing than it ever felt as male despite the lowered sex drive
- I can shop anywhere xD
- A wife that has become my partner in crime, team mate, best friend, comrade, equal, fellow female, support beam, sunlight. Whereas back then... back then we were practically nemesis to each other with a burning flame of love holding us together despite hating so much about eachother. Makes me kind of tear up just thinking about how we use to be, compared to how now we are just so happy together, even though she isn't a lesbian and was afraid she would lose interest in me... this is probably the biggest unexpected gain.
I am still early in my transition by most standards. Though at this point I've told all but a few friends I don't see often and some more distant family members. Thus far I haven't lost anything to my amazement other then perhaps the illusion of being a normal guy with a bright uncomplicated future ahead of him. (Which was harder to give up then it might sound).
Still I feel like I gained a lot from this. My family has been supportive, my friends have been amazing. Even my girl friend has taken to this surprising well, and is supporting and encouraging. Our relationship was never bad by any means but it definitely feels even better then before.
Like many others I thought I knew what I was getting into. We read everything, go to therapists and still are surprised by the depth and ubiquity of transition. For me it changed almost everything. Some of the unknowns that I encountered include the emotional roller coster from euphoria to public crying. I love now having a greater emotional range and the world seems to hold more color for me.
I should have but didn't expect to be physically molested but have had two experiences of being "felt up" in public. One was a female stranger the other a known male relative. That is something almost a third of all women deal with in this country and is a sobering part of being out there.
My greatest fears were an exaggerated part of the toxicity from keeping my "secret" so long. Most of those fears were not realized but included the idea of not being taken seriously. Many ciswomen readily understand this and as an activist it is troubling to find that some men try to ignore or talk over me and other woman in meetings and elsewhere.
The best part is feeling so much more right as myself and cannot, IMHO, be understood unless one feels it for themselves. More than magic it is real, tangible and a peace I never knew until transitioning. My benefit column is far longer than the losses and there is more to come as my transition continues.
I expected to lose everything. I lost 2 "friends" and a cousin.
I gained....
- Total support from all of my customers
- Total support from all of my neighbours
- Support from almost all of my family
- A lot of new friends who are friends of all the females I knew. My circle widened.
- A new confidence and self-belief
- The ability to sleep instead of mentally torturing myself each night
- The ability to listen instead of "winning" the argument
- Empathy. I am no longer emotionally numb
- Better health. I am no longer a slob.
- Youth. I look 10 or 15 years younger. People mistake me for 40.
I could go on and on but I think I would say that the most unexpected thing I gained was cellulite and fat on the inside of my thighs giving me "thigh rub". I never saw that one coming.... :o
My ex wife told me she would stay with me throughout my transition. This was before we started dating and were interested in each other. She then fought me every step of the way. So I lost her.
However, in dating her, I lost a bunch of opportunities to make friends that I didn't even know about. After I divorced her, several people came out of the woodwork and told me they were sorry, and that they wished they could have informed me before I started dating her.
Now I have a very large group of supportive people in my life who love and care about me.
Quote from: eClare on June 04, 2014, 09:03:20 PM
In spite of what we have been told or the experience of others, transition is a journey with unanticipated consequences. Were you at all naive in your expectation? What were your unexpected losses, and what were your unexpected benefits?
eClare, What were yours?
I have only begun considering transitioning and have not lost or gained anything yet. My family and friends do not know about my dysphoria -- only my therapist whom I have seen only twice. One of the reasons for my question is to determine whether I am being naive about the future. I anticipate I might loose both a marriage and career which are two aspects of my life I have worked hard to build. But recently, the dysphoria has become overwhelming so that I have become depressed and can think of little else. Thanks for asking. :)
I lost nothing and gained hope.
eClare,
As you can see, most of our gains and losses were anticipated although some were not. The most common and greatest anticipated benefit is pretty evident. We have come out from hiding into the sunlight to reveal the authentic person we have always been inside, comfortable for the first time that our outsides match our insides. Some of the anticipated losses are also pretty evident as well. Relationships change and often suffer. Some marriages survive but many do not.
I have always thought of it in terms of pain versus fear. If and when the pain gets great enough, only then are we able to overcome the fear and take the steps that are necessary. We who share our experiences are here to give you hope and diminish your fear, to enable you to make decisions that will alleviate your pain. Because it seems that for us who suffer gender dysphoria, the pain only gets worse over time.
When I transitioned at age 24 (1974) I lost everything - I got thrown out of my parent's home, disowned, and banished from my home town, and had no idea what lay ahead, NO IDEA!
What I found was that I became MUCH more than I had ever dreamed! I was a completely different person, more even than the women I had always admired. I was a polar opposite afterwards and REALLY liked the person I had become, the kind of woman that other women looked up to as a role model - image that! LOL!
Quote from: Northern Jane on June 08, 2014, 07:31:47 AM
When I transitioned at age 24 (1974) I lost everything - I got thrown out of my parent's home, disowned, and banished from my home town, and had no idea what lay ahead, NO IDEA!
What I found was that I became MUCH more than I had ever dreamed! I was a completely different person, more even than the women I had always admired. I was a polar opposite afterwards and REALLY liked the person I had become, the kind of woman that other women looked up to as a role model - image that! LOL!
good for you
Quote from: Northern Jane on June 08, 2014, 07:31:47 AM
When I transitioned at age 24 (1974) I lost everything - I got thrown out of my parent's home, disowned, and banished from my home town, and had no idea what lay ahead, NO IDEA!
What I found was that I became MUCH more than I had ever dreamed! I was a completely different person, more even than the women I had always admired. I was a polar opposite afterwards and REALLY liked the person I had become, the kind of woman that other women looked up to as a role model - image that! LOL!
People often wonder how we've changed yet I don't think that I have changed. What's changed (and changing) is my confidence in myself, to express myself, to not be a member of the herd, and to express what I've felt all these years. To those on the outside looking in, it may seem like a massive change. To me it's been more of an unleashing of what was always there.
Quote from: eClare on June 06, 2014, 08:34:29 PM
I have only begun considering transitioning and have not lost or gained anything yet. My family and friends do not know about my dysphoria -- only my therapist whom I have seen only twice. One of the reasons for my question is to determine whether I am being naive about the future. I anticipate I might loose both a marriage and career which are two aspects of my life I have worked hard to build. But recently, the dysphoria has become overwhelming so that I have become depressed and can think of little else. Thanks for asking. :)
eClare, When one gets a little older, while they have less time for the future, they are fortunate to have a lot to look back on and reflect about. One think I would ask is, "Will I be sorry for the path I'm choosing?" None of us should live with regret, but none of us should take a path that is far less fabulous than the one we could have taken, either.
When I lay really sick, two years ago, I asked myself, "What are the things that most mattered in life to me when I was very, very young?" It took less than a minute, even looking that far back, to come up with the answers: 1) I didn't want to be a boy - I wanted to be a girl,
desperately, and 2) I wanted to write music. Just those two things. So, I hatched a plan to accomplish what I'd wanted in life so many years ago. Before I knew it, I had four pianos. And, well, the other thing is in the process of making history. If I had made that decision when I should have, I can tell you that my life would have been about a millions times better.
It's worth saying that over the years I came to acceptance of what I was born with, and I know that if I had a suitable male brain and male body I could live and have a happy life as a male, because I like my own company, accepted what I had, and truly like women that like men. But I get it that my brain doesn't quite work like other guys. In fact, it's quite different, so although I easily fit in, it will always be a struggle to play the same game they play. On the other hand, super-charging it with E will hopefully allow my brain mature to where it should have been a long time ago, and I will find a way of dealing with some very difficult problems in a new way (which I feel I already am).
And one more thing - although I'm not sure if when the time comes that I'll genuinely like women who like women, or if I'll have any regrets over what might have been had I not made this decision, I'm doing the best that I can at making lemonade with those lemons. I appreciated the thoughts that were presented by others in this community on this subject. They are those who have been there, done that, so their advice will be experientially better than mine. BTW, I very much like your name.