So I'm watching a TV show this evening that has a few scenes with young teen girls, all friends, having some fairly standard teen girl bonding experiences. And wow, did that feel like a kick in the guts. I'm not saying that, had I been born a natal female, I would have had any of those experiences but then, of course, I didn't get to have any girlhood experiences. As a "boy" I pretty much actively avoided most boy bonding experiences and was never privy to girl groups and cliques...so yeah, lonely a lot of the time. I realise that the past is the past, there's no benefit in playing out wishing games, but those scenes just triggered something that I thought I'd moved on from. These little unexpected jabs and insults can just pop up out of nowhere, can't they?
Yeah, this gets me every time too. I'm happy that I'm at least on the path to being my true self now, but it's certainly hard sometimes when I see young kids and am reminded of the girlhood I never had.
Understand you think everything is going fine that you are at peace with who you are and the road your traveling. Then BANG something comes out of the blue that sends you hiding under the bed for the next ten days. You can't prepare yourself for it because you don't even know it will come for you until it does, all you can do is cope. Or grab Dopey hold back tears and curse yourself for reading this thread (my bad I read almost everyone)
Not the same at all, but sometimes those kinds of things make me sad as well. I never really had girlfriends (aside from one I had a crush on at 7). But probably unlike a lot of trans guys, I was really sad about it. Anyway, not remotely the same because obviously I did have other girlhood stuff.
But coincidentally, I was watching a movie yesterday and marveling at the close girl friendships. The most I had were a few acquaintances. But never was able to get close. Probably why I am the way I am with the ladies here - feels great to get close to women in that way.
I too get hit hard sometimes. Young trans* who have a supportive family type videos, young girls having a ball just doing rime games and such.
I am gong to the Philadelphia Trans* Health Conference Thursday, Friday and Saturday and I will see a lot of young trans kids. I have been preparing for it mentally.
It has really helped me by making progress and discussing it at therapy.
The "SRS" light that goes on every time I turn on my Honda.
It mocks me, I swear.
most of you would think that since Im 19 that kind of stuff wouldnt give me dysphoria
but they do...
unfortunately we didnt get to have a female puberty , nor the unique relationship between girlfriends etc
I dont let it get me down ,but its sad nonetheless
The must unexpected trigger, I find is when I notice an old photo of myself, And things really get me down then, why did society turn such a happy child into the depressed person I became. Really if I was never forced to hide myself, would I of been so miserable.
Only things that helps me with this is, remembering
that It still hurt all those years ago knowing I would never have a period, or be pregnant, or be a mom
(society didn't cause that but I would of definitely not felt ashamed to scream at my parents about it)
Maybe that's why I hate society so much, maybe if I hadn't felt so ashamed about being me, I would of been able to be me.
I would of lived the life of a girl that couldn't have those three things, Its that what gets to me, not the things I could never of had, but missing out on all the things I could have had. Because having all those things, would of made everything else easier to bare.
In a way, This makes me stronger, because I don't blame myself for my situation, society is the cause of it. and that is not my fault.
I was a little more lucky I had close female friends that saw me as a girl and I'm very greatful
I mentioned it in another thread but Television is the one thing that makes me really dysphoric. Being out and about, oh yeah it's there but kind of like a low hum, it's there but isn't overpowering. But God when I watch TV it usually screams to the point that I just have to turn it off.
I thought I was the only one that this happened to.I was in the shopping centre when a girl about 7 came out of Build a Bear with her Mum dancing with joy.I was never that happy as a kid,not once
i was majorly in the female cliques when i was growing up. though i was always forced to be with the guys, i always wiggled my way back to my female group. what causes my dysphoria is after i hit puberty, and my friends grew up, we starting splitting off, was forced in boy scouts and other male activities and they got active in cheerleading, soft ball and other female sports. it was a major kick because i bought pom poms but could never use them and a tutu because i wanted to go into ballet
Quote from: big kim on June 07, 2014, 03:08:01 PM
I thought I was the only one that this happened to.I was in the shopping centre when a girl about 7 came out of Build a Bear with her Mum dancing with joy.I was never that happy as a kid,not once
Yeah it kinda' sux having to be "Daddy's
little man" instead of "Daddy's
little girl".
Oh god, aren't these just the worst?
I have many of my own triggers, some I know about, others that punch me in the face out of no where. In terms of the girl bonding, I had one really close girl friend in high school. She understood me as 'gay' (which was how I identified at the time) and we had plenty of our own bonding experiences. However, we were just two outcasts that fell together and so we were all the other really ever had.
Quote from: Jill F on June 07, 2014, 10:26:19 AM
The "SRS" light that goes on every time I turn on my Honda.
It mocks me, I swear.
Now I'm going to be thinking about that every time I start my CRV. :icon_eek:
Same for me, watching a movie (one example that pops to mind right away, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) or girls in real life, seeing them with friends, how happy they seem, getting along doing the things they enjoy together and while I smile, at the same time inside I'm upset that I never got those kind of experiences. What's stopping me now, right? I can't go back to those youthful times as a girl, but can create similar experiences now as a woman. But so many years of solitude make it far more challenging than typing up these words.
Two social examples that still hit me occasionally, that why couldn't I've been one of them...
Back when I was really young, elementary school still, there were times (only a few, since I gave up the idea of trying) that I had tried to wiggle my way into playing with the girls jumping roping or playing hopscotch together, but being a boy I was told I couldn't play with them, go away! I wandered off, by myself, head low, walking around with no one to talk to nor play with. Only times that was fine was when it was something that all the kids, girl and boy would be playing as a whole, but I was still a boy. I was excluded from playing with the girls only, and the boys when all together were too rowdy and rough, I didn't fit in either way.
There was one time also during those early years of my life when we'd (my father, brother and I) would go up to Massachusetts (we lived in Virginia) every Christmas for the big family get together, but at a time when all us cousins were getting older (I was the oldest, going into my teens by then), so not playing together as we had years before (not my choice, they all thought the games we used to play were too childish), things started becoming more adult-like (I wasn't ready to grow up), and I remember several of my girl cousins sitting on grandma's porch talking, girl stuff of coarse, and I sat down to listen, because for some reason it just interested me, they got up and walked away to continue without a boy eavesdropping. I felt alone, that was not a good year there for me as most of the time I just wandered around outside by myself.
These things stab at me occasionally too. Not every time, but randomly, out of the blue and BAM! It hits me. Thankfully these are becoming less over time but I've learned to not assume they will ever go away. It's healthy to not wallow in regret but I think it's natural to regret to some degree. We just need to consciously set aside that regret as soon as we can and not let it overwhelm us.
I've had it happen to me too. It actually happens fairly often. I'm pre-hrt and not out, and I work at a place where I see a lot female groups, like bachelorette parties and 21st birthday parties and the like. It's like a gut check for me.
I trigger all the time, when I see cis girls jog and wished I had that freedom and that body, with the TV set, in church, and each time I have to reground myself and remind myself that I have already arrived and am complete. Or see a nice 70s style of clothes and want to find them for my full transition times.
But I trigger anyway regardless of my head. It just works so much better now.
I've been teaching in women's college for years.
Every year I see girls come in, experiment with fashion and makeup, their successes and failures until they find a look (or not), hear their conversations, watch how they forge new friendships...It can get pretty disheartening at time as I long for that past that I never had.
One more place where I've lived by proxy :(
Still, I have from now to make up for it :)
My triggers are strange I guess. It seems that for most movies, tv shows and seeing real life situations of what we've missed out on is a trigger for most. But for me every time I watch a movie like the sisterhood of the traveling pants for example, in a way I feel better about myself because despite losing my adolescence to a severe depression, I forget about my troubled past and I'm able to live through those characters for just a few moments. Its very therapeutic, it heals a bit of my broken past. On another note I love watching movies I've seen before since I've been full time. I see it from a whole new perspective I didn't have before.
I've made peace with that decade of my life I'll never have back. It's tough to think about but at the same time I learned a lot throughout those years, it gave me a ton of wisdom about myself. I see a lot of cis friends and people in their 20s dealing with a lot of the same issues I was forced to face forever ago. In hindsight I feel lucky because at least I can spend this decade living my life exactly how I want to and not wasting so much time like I did throughout those troubling years.
An unexpected trigger for me was anytime someone from my past would out of nowhere try to make contact. Like being called by my old name is super triggering. I really need to change my number..
Hi Megan Joanne;
Yes you story, brings back so many memories for me growing up. All I ever wanted to do in my years from when I knew I was different than other boys (from Age 6) was to be with the girls in my school, my group and with the families, but all to often I was asked not to listen in or be together with the girls as "how could I understand " girls stuff as I was "just a boy.
Some 24 years later, when I transitioned for the first time, I was incredibly lucky to form three key relationships with women, as I transitioned. One was my ex Secretary, in my last male job. She became my rock and helped encourage me so much . She was a vibrant sole and very feminine and very fashionable, but hopelessly in love (until the boy left her). After some 6 months I moved in with her and we shared an apartment together for over a year during my second year of living full time. I can remember one day soon after I moved in with her I was standing in the bathroom, getting ready for work in just my bra and panties, putting on my make-up and she came into the bathroom and promptly sat on the loo to change her tampon. I said darling, I will let you use the loo on your own. I remember she said, don't be silly Judy we are both girls here! Over those 14 months we did a lot of female bonding and she taught me so much and really helped me to think and act as a woman on a day to day basis. Getting ready for work together each day (I was working then as a Secretary/Receptionist), meeting up after work and doing so much together with her and her sister was just amazing as she treated me 100% as female. It made up for all those lost years. We only separated when she got a new job in Swindon, whilst I was in London.
The second woman was my next door neighbour. She was about my age and a Marketing Director with a local company. The week of my transition, I came out to her and the couple next door as well). Maggie was also amazing. A very outward going, energetic, incredibly ft and beautiful woman. She took my under her wing and encouraged me to dress full time. (Alison my girlfriend above & Maggie together took all my male clothes to the charity shop one weekend when I was at the Beauticians getting a full leg wax and my bikini line done). Over dinner they explained that this now meant I was committed 100% to only dress as a woman. I really loved them both, but Maggie was my idol was someone to copy. She had fantastic style. Anyway she had this group of other professional girlfriends that she met once a month for dinner and she invited me along to one of their dinner sessions (they would always meet up for dinner sat a local restaurant and then end up at one of their houses for more "female bonding" and generally everyone stayed over. The first session was a little stilted, but Maggie had obviously briefed them and all four of the women made me very relaxed and from them on treated me no differently than themselves. I used to love those Girls nights out. Again it was like the "Sisterhood". Unfortunately Maggie got offered a job in Silicon Valley (Palo Alto) although I did visit her three times as Judith on holiday. Her ex UK boyfriend Peter also had a thing with me, but that is another story.
The third women in my life at that time was an older women called Yvonne (and her husband). They were both bi-sexual, but Yvonne and her husband always encouraged me to come and stay with them at weekends when I wasn't doing something else. Yvonne and I used to do frequent shopping trips into London from Newbury where they lived. Again they treated me totally as a woman, but there was a Sexual element to the relationship. But the female bonding with Yvonne (and her husband) and a group of other swinging couples they knew was also quite empowering for me.
Unfortunately I lost all three when I was outed at work and was forced through financial pressures and family pressures to de-transition.
The loss of those incredibly strong women has never been replaced, but has made my second transition easier from all that coaching;
Wow judithlynn, that was incredible. Crazy how life is. Too bad though that you had to go back into your shell and hide away for a while, that you had to lose them all as friends because of it. But sometimes the best friendships are short, like people passing by, a small kindness or experience shared can sometimes have the greatest positive impact on your life. You learned some wonderful things from them and remember them all fondly, keeping them in your heart always because of their kindness towards you.
Thank you for sharing these memories.
I won't ask why (but I did just hint), but I'm curious as to why this would break friendships that seemed so solid. You don't have to say, but after all that it did strike me as sad that them knowing you as trans and accepting you wholeheartedly, suddenly detransitioning would change all that.
Sadly, as a kid, every time I managed to establish a close relationship with other girls my age something would happen to very bluntly remind me I "wasn't one of the girls"... :-\
Yeah, you get too close and it just reminds you more.
^^^ Wow. You hit all the right notes with what I'm constantly thinking about.
THIS IS MY BIGGEST TRIGGER
Portrait of Lotte 0 to 14 years in 4 min
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vHRgpZ7NkA
Seeing this kind of stuff tears me apart. Which is my reason for posting this
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,166601.0.html
Hi Megan Joanne;
In answer to your question. Basically my friend Alison moving to Swindon for a new job left me in a position to needing a new place to live. I actually moved in with the couple in Newbury for a short while, but as I mentioned this was really a sexual relationship thing by them and although I adored them at the time I was quite unsure of my sexuality. However I found it quote tough commuting into London on a daily basis to my job as a Secretary/Receptionist and was looking for work when I landed the job with Abbey National Bank in Milton Keynes. so I found a cottage to live in nearby and I did quite well there. I was in the job about 8 months, , but one night the girls from my team plus some of the men from the office went out to a local night club. We were all dolled up for the night. I was wearing quite a sexy sand slinky dress including nice heels and as the evening wore on, I had perhaps a little too much White wine. Anyway I found myself dancing with this quite attractive guy from the office and suddenly the music changed to a slow (give me a body hug number). He wanted to continue dancing. It was OK for the first 5 minutes or so then he got "wandering hands" and of course felt something that wasn't supposed to be there.
Luckily the music stopped and I sat down, but I could tell from his face, he was thinking - Yipes!. The following week I was having a coffee with four of the girls in the office. (I should explain I always wore a miniskirt, blouse, jacket, pantihouse and heels in those days - not micro mini , but definitely a bit sexier than I would wear today and always looked really great. Anyway over coffee one of the girls asked if I was a TS. I decided to come clean and asked her what prompted it. Well it came out that "groping hands" had been talking about me and the day before I was eating some crisps at afternoon tea and unlike most women and I had put a lot in my mouth at once - very unladylike. This created doubts in her mind. Back then in the UK (in the mid 80's, being trans in the UK was much much harder than it is today. People were not so accepting. Anyway they all thought I was Postop - because back then I did pass 99%. No Adams Apple, small hands, small feet etc. Anyway after two days the whole floor knew, then HR said that a group of women (I never found out who) had objected to me using the women's toilets and that as I had not disclosed my situation I was laid off.
Coincidentally whilst all this was happing , I been trying to sum up the courage to come out to my parents and family - A very traditional UK working class family, and then out of the blue I was head hunted (in my former male self - to a top very well paid job in Australia.). I had been in Australia for 6 months before I transitioned. This was also about the time my best friend and neighbour moved to America.
So I had lost my job, my self confidence and my support network and my financial situation was not great. The couple in Newbury asked me to move in permanently with them then as a sort of live in housemaid/au pair."with benefits". They said they would fund my transition, But in the end I was not ready for such a sexual commitment.
I reluctantly decided to de-transition and moved to Australia, on the premise that I would still transition slowly, but work on building myself to a position financially to support myself what ever happened. That was 24 years ago.
Obviously as we all know (well those of us that are older) Gender dysphoria never leaves you and the older you get the worse it gets.
My biggest regret is that I didn't stick with the first transition. Mind you this was before the Internet, before surgery in Thailand etc etc
That was some experiences judithlynn. Mr. Wandering Hands, I'd like to go back in time and to that point in place to break his fingers for you, may I? That one jerk got it all rolling downhill for you. But being strong you didn't give up. Hugs for you.
i found a new trigger. my music -.- unfortunately the songs i'm listening to are major triggers plus the shows i watch on tv
Leave it to Ms Grace to post a really funny joke, and then a first class bummer! I did have a young life of active male bonding, but what, perhaps, could I have missed, otherwise? It's a question that should be put out to the Universe, as it's something which mere mortals must have great difficulty pondering: What if? Yes, that's a really good question, and though I'm not sure that there has been any connection to any sadness with which I might have lived, I hope that at some point I, too, am not kicked in the guts by it. Thank you, Ms Grace, for the warning.