What does it mean to feel female?
I know my brain functions differently on HRT than it did before.
I know my body is changing slowly.
I dunno, I just expected it to be... different. I guess I didn't really know how to anticipate the reality of transition.
Everything is different, touch, taste, smell, sight, my body is all squishy now. And yet... it isn't THAT different... well boobs, but still...
I keep wondering how do FAABs feel in comparison to how I feel, will I ever really know? Will I ever feel things the same way as they do?
I think it just is taking me time to have all these years of being male melt away.
I will never have a female frame or natural indoor plumbing, so there is that...
Authenticity... such a weird concept. I played a man for so long, and now I just want to be... but I want to be a female.
Just a thought I am having in the middle of the night...
Thanks for reading.
I don't really know what is i to be female really all I know is that the estrogen flowing through my veins is so much better
That is such an understatement.
Way better!!!
And boobs are cool.
Quote from: Tori on June 08, 2014, 08:42:24 AM
That is such an understatement.
Way better!!!
And boobs are cool.
cleavage too, so cool
Almost there... I guess if I force it.
that's a difficult one
it feels nice to have estrogen flowing through my veins... I love my boobs and the cleavage it creates.
I feel female when i paint my nails, put on make-up or wear a nice dress or walk a day in high heels... A day at the spa really makes you feel like a woman.. to be pampered is really nice... A wonderful feeling is getting flowers from someone.
When I was lactating... having the breast pump attached to my breasts made me feel like a woman... the suction of the pump on my nipples feels amazing. it gave me an idea have it is to breast feed.
the estrogen in my veins has made me more emotional and i cry easier ...
Us t-girls will never experience pregnancy or periods... the periods... well my cis-female roommate says I am lucky to miss out on periods.. the pregnancy one. that makes me sad...to have life growing inside you must be amazing.
I think a lot of things can make you feel female
I don't think HRT is necessarily the biggest part of the mental transition. For me, changing my name and being accepted by friends and family changed my outlook on life more than the hormones did. I could let go of the male crutches and walk freely on my own knowing that I was surrounded by people who would support me.
And as for comparing my feelings to cis-females, my sister said to me "now I understand who you are, but I can never understand what you've been going through all these years".
Emotionally. Physically. Breast changes. Panties bras clothing lipstick nail polish. Hugs Shannon
Tori, I struggle with this question daily. I just don't feel female. I feel (disappointingly) similar to my male self. Yes HRT had the effect of changing me emotionally, but I still didn't feel like a woman.
My gender therapist tells me it doesn't matter. That as long as I'm in the presentation that makes me comfortable (and I really am), that's what's important.
If you asked cis women, most of them would pooh-pooh the idea that there even is such a thing.
So I've come to the conclusion that gender is so complicated, it's better just to decide what we want it to mean for us, rather than trying to figure out where we fit according to some standard.
I once worried about "feeling female" but now I'm simply glad that I can be me, without disguises, masks, or pretending for other people.
Quote from: Tori on June 08, 2014, 08:30:46 AM
I keep wondering how do FAABs feel in comparison to how I feel, will I ever really know? Will I ever feel things the same way as they do?
No, you won't ever know. We don't have the same experiences. Just like a black cis woman doesn't have the same experiences as a white cis woman. Or a cis woman born in England has different experiences from one born in Japan.
We have this idea that there is this mythic commonality among all women. Something that unites us together as one type of being, one version of reality. And to a degree, there is something to that. I have more similarities, more commonalities to another female than I do to a male. But that's all it is, really. We don't, we can't, experience our lives and our identities the same way as another human. Any other human. Ever. It is an unfortunate limit on the human condition, on communication. It's also why we developed poetry, music, literature, art--to try to find a way of crossing that impossible threshold, of offering impressions of our reality to another.
But we have to accept that not-knowing. You have to trust the inside of your head because that is all you've got.
A clever person said on these forums some time ago, "Everything I do is something a girl does because I'm a girl." Well, everything I feel is how a female feels because I am female. What does it mean to feel female? To feel like me.
I just want to add that I feel good about any changes that have occurred, such as boobs, hot flashes on occasion, etc., but I still feel like me. Then again, I am not on HRT, such as estrogen patches, etc., just on Bovine Ovary method for almost 7 months. Began with pueraria mirifica and other herbs before that. That might have made a difference. I still get the same moods as always, irritation at things, etc. So, I have not mellowed out at all, like some have noted.
Stephanie
Quote from: CandiceSkirvin on June 08, 2014, 11:57:29 AM
I just want to emphasize something you said in your reply (see the bold and underlined stuff). This is exactly right. Most of us do pooh-pooh the 'feel like a woman' thing...except Shania Twain maybe...because we all have such incredibly different experiences in life. Sure, there can be some common bonds between a lot of women, e.g., periods, but even that is an example of something that doesn't happen to all of us. The only things that absolutely happen to all of us are birth and death.
I would say that you feel disappointingly similar to your male self because you experienced being male as a female. You have a female mind. There was never any escaping that no matter how hard you tried or how well you acted in the male role. You still experienced your male life with a female brain. Your female self is disappointingly similar to your male self because you are still the same person inside. You didn't magically change your brain from male to female. Maybe I am wrong though. I don't know. It's just always been my understanding that trans* people are born with their gender and that's why so many say that they always knew. Maybe I don't understand as much as I thought I did.
Hi, Candice! Your posts on this thread (as well as some others by other people) really resonate with me. I've been out full-time for a bit over a year and a half now and still haven't started HRT.
And yet I've undergone a total revolution inside. My feelings have evolved tremendously. In all my little day-to-day dealings with people, I no longer feel the same person I used to be. I've allowed myself to be what I am, and that has made a huge difference, even without hormones.
What does a woman feel like? As you're pointing out, who can really say? What do I feel like now? It's hard to pinpoint it exactly. But if my feelings aren't "female", they'll do. They're certainly not what they used to be.
Just be yourself. Eventually you'll decide what that is. But the process of discovery is very, very nice.
I feel the same mentally as I always have. I just think I was born with a female brain and had to adjust the body. I'll always be the same person
I like that last part, Paula Lesley! About "Having boobs helps, too". It is society's take on it. Having boobs is female. The bigger, the better. It does not make the person, but we are so influenced by breasts that we can't help ourselves. Besides, they are fun to play with! Lol! I have a hard time keeping my own hands off of mine, in fact!
QuoteWhat does it mean to feel female?
That is a question I was asked a LOT when I was young and began protesting my 'assigned sex' but I didn't really have a clear answer then. The answer didn't evolve until a year or more post-op and didn't become crystal clear until decades later when I read "Why Gender Matters" (by Leonard Sax).
There is no "feeling female". What there
IS is common experiences, things we have in common with others of the same gender.
As a child, my sense of being female came from commonalities with other girls, things like preferred forms of play and a dislike for loud or pushy behaviour, early development of linguistic abilities, preference for non-conflict, and concern for others. I understood and could identify with girls and felt one of them but had nothing in common with boys.
Through later childhood and my early teens, a growing sense of being excluded (to some extent) by girls was very distressing - I had always been excluded by boys - and I became very isolated.
Within a short time after SRS, like a year, I began to see my childhood differently. I always
WAS a girl and, seen in that light my responses and my problems were totally understandable for a young girl trapped in an untenable situation. Integrating into women's life was a snap! It just meant letting go and relaxing into being myself, unguarded and uninhibited.
Through the 40 years since then the vast majority of my friends have been women (cis women) and we have talked about everything imaginable. In that time I have come to understand that the biggest factor in feeling like a woman is in shared experiences, both the good and the bad. With the exception of periods and childbirth, there is little difference between my life and those of my friends.
In my humble opinion, "feeling female" is about where you fit, the place in life where you fit in comfortably and naturally.
Quote from: Tori on June 08, 2014, 08:42:24 AM
And boobs are cool.
If your boobs are cool you should cover them up a bit better... ;D
Well, I've been at this for a couple years now, and I can tell you what my experience has been:
I don't 'feel like a female' at all; I certainly feel happier, less stressed, less anxious, less tense, etc. because I'm finally getting to be authentic with/about myself.
As a transwoman you've been female all along. I'd imagine any change in how you feel about yourself comes more from being honest with yourself than anything. Otherwise, I personally don't think there is anything 'new' to feel.
I think therefore I Am!
well, I feel like ME. For once I don't have to pretend to be something I am not....I just let myself flow free. I am naturally taking on female body language, and a feminine demeanor, and just slipping out of that old male skin.
My therapist told me that I "radiate femininity"....whatever that means....lol.
for me I am who I am. My personality is exactly the same as it has always been . the packaging is changing but I'm not I just always viewed my self female
This has really turned into a cool thread.
I sometimes "feel female", but I think it's just euphoria I get when I imagine doing everyday stuff while presenting as a woman. I've been told I look very happy in my cross dressing photos.
Quote from: suzifrommd on June 08, 2014, 11:48:01 AM
but I still didn't feel like a woman.
If you asked cis women, most of them would pooh-pooh the idea that there even is such a thing.
So I've come to the conclusion that gender is so complicated, it's better just to decide what we want it to mean for us, rather than trying to figure out where we fit according to some standard.
How can you or anybody, who has never been a woman, and starts down the path of HRT and/or RLE know ? It is impossible to know without a frame of reference.
I think the best you can do is live like a woman, see how are are treated, see how you feel after a few years of HRT and RLE, and compare to the memories of when you were male.
I have asked several cis-female, and none could answer the question, all of them told me that they have never ponder the question. Most of them told me they just kind of know they are females and they are different than the boys at a very fundamental psychological and physical level.
I never felt like a boy, so now or then (pre HRT and RLE), I always felt female. I do not struggle with this issue but I found facinating
Hi Everyone this is a really nice and interesting thread.
I have had the experience of transitioning twice ( I first transitioned in the UK, about 26 years ago). The first time I transitioned I lived full time as a woman for just over 2 years. was working as a Secretary/receptionist , dressing as a womam full time, on HRT and I had a group of really strong and loving women friends around me especially a couple of very close ones. (These were the ones that gave all my "male clothes: to the charity shop to make sure I was 100% committed)
This female bonding really helped me to feel totally female 100% of the time. It wasn't that I just dressed very in a feminine manner (I only wore skirts and dresses) nor , that I wore make up, perfume or acted in a womanly way,. It was all these things and with the mental changes too. The calmness, the gracefulness, the need to think about how I looked, people (including men) giving me flowers, couples treating me totally as a woman. All of these things plus the physical changes, the soft skin, made me not conscious of feeling female. I just was female every minute of every day.
Omn of the things I really enjoyed and is something I am doing now on my second transition stage, was to have a pampering day at the beauty therapist once a month. Sometimes I went on my own, sometimes with a girlfriend.
I used to make a day of it. Facial, Eyebrow shape and tint, eyelash tint and lash extensions, Underarm and arm wax; full leg, tummy (abdomen) and full biknei line wax (I always had a Hollywood (Landing strip) wax; full pedicure and manicure including french tips or polish, body massage then makeup. In the warmer months I also had a full spray tan.
Being pampered in the beauty salon is just about the very best way I can think of feeling totally female.
Hugs
See, I never understood this. i never felt female, no matter how outwardly I seem female. There was no like, magic sense or something.... It is what convinces me i should start living as a boy again.. cuz I'm not validating myself or anything by living as a girl, just being allowed to be honest about my personality.
I only can ever really know is what it's like to feel like me. All I know is I like "happy" me better than "who cares if I die tomorrow" me. The rest is gravy. And I like gravy. A lot.
How does one "feel" female?
It's an odd concept... To feel you're a gender. Does that happen once you become an embodiment of stereotypes? Like a caricature of what we perceive one sex to be?
Frankly, I don't think anyone ever felt like anything but themselves, and why should you want to, really?
You're yourself, if you identify with women better, then that's enough to make you one, I think? I doubt any women "feel" like women, they just feel themselves and don't give it any thought... I guess you can know you're a woman but what does feeling like one mean?
Huh, assuming that a lot of gender-related stuff go off during social interactions... and assuming that I dont know "how", but do feel "when" it happens, it is mostly when being around other people. Lets say, nothing makes it feel female more than when receiving small and kinda meaningless acts of validation - stepping out of elevator and bumping into several men, smiling for being a bit awkward, letting them pass first (cause You suddenly dont feel very happy about having so many guys behind Your back), seeing them opening a door, then turning around to You and gesturing to let You pass... walking among them and suddenly feeling so small in comparison...
The sum of really small and meaningless things and actions makes really feel that way :)
When being alone, such thoughts tend to stay away from this airy-head :), I simply live without thinking who or what I am.
Since first reading this thread, I've started watching myself, trying to figure out in myself what my gender feeling is.
I think the problem is not that I don't feel female. I do, some of the time, especially when I'm using feminine mannerisms or voice or doing some classically female activity.
The problem is that I feel male some of the time. That I definitely identify as male on occasion.
I hate that. I don't want to identify/feel/see my self as male, pretty much ever. But I do.
Quote from: suzifrommd on June 10, 2014, 06:08:13 AM
The problem is that I feel male some of the time. That I definitely identify as male on occasion.
I hate that. I don't want to identify/feel/see my self as male, pretty much ever. But I do.
Being/feeling non-binary is a dirty job at times. But somebody gotta do it ;).
I mean, I get the point, and often embrace it myself, that we just feel like ourselves. We don't feel gender.
But why then were we dysphoric to the point of needing to transition?
I am surprised often enough at how much my life has changed on HRT. But those changes have not changed who I feel I am. Not at my core. If anything, I feel more like me than ever before and I kinda' dig it. I am just the one who makes the choices and drives the car.
The tactile feeling of female clothing is something that makes me feel female. Especially now that the garments and undergarments are really starting to fit my shape better. I want to go shopping...
And yes, social interactions where people treat me as a female are remarkably helpful. Men treat women differently and women treat each other differently. I am impressed at how easily some folks accept me for who I am and not who I was. Still got some learnin' to do, but it is oh so fun.
And boobs. They are kinda noticeable all the time. They keep moving after I stop. They get in the way. They feel nice and hurty at the same time.
All this stuff can be overwhelming one moment, and have me going, "Is this it?" the next.
I usually dream I am in transition now. That is cool.
One thing I was sure of prior to accepting myself as TG was not feeling like a man or a boy. I think that it is difficult to know what a typical female feels like until we are socialized and living as one and that feeling has been validating for me. How much is gender roles vs gender identity? IDK
Quote from: Tori on June 10, 2014, 02:25:49 PM
But why then were we dysphoric to the point of needing to transition?
I can offer my experience:
I long held off on transitioning precisely because I knew if I DID transition, I'd still be the same person, and I didn't need to physically BE female in order to do stereotypical 'female' things; to assume one must be female in order to be verbose, to enjoy shopping, to wear dresses, to be emotional, etc., was to me, to be as sexist as those who forbid me from doing those things in the first place for being 'male'.
I continued on doing whatever the hell I felt like, social consequences/gender-binary be damned, convinced my dysphoria was the result of being gender-programmed. Gender is a purely social construct right? I thought there was no such thing as "gender-identity", that identifying as "male" or "female" was dependent entirely upon how you were raised, and that I was just a nutjob who needed a good kick in the pants. (If you have even a tenuous grasp of human biology and/or psychology and/or the numerous case studies which contradict this perception, you realize I was way, way off, but I beg your understanding as I was a stupid teenage armchair philosopher/psychologist)
It was only after trying this for a couple years that I accepted I still wasn't happy (in fact more miserable than ever), and this approach had in no way ever remedied my GD in the slightest. There was a profound disconnect between my mind and physical body. I may have been expressing myself in whatever way I chose, but try as I might I never overcame the trigger of seeing myself in the mirror. It was only after doing my homework, seeing the physical evidence for transsexualism, being exposed to the error in my (quite frankly TERF'y) theories, realizing that in 22 years of telling myself I could "beat this" I'd never come any closer to actually doing so, and realizing that the alternative was ultimately spiraling deeper and deeper into depression ending in suicide, that I chose life and decided to pursue transition.
I'm still me, and I'll always be me. The pains of GD have steadily begun to subside, despite never 'feeling female', and for once I'm a happy, productive member of society.
tldr: I transitioned because transsexualism is a physical condition, and transition is, as of this moment, the only viable treatment.
Quote from: Tori on June 10, 2014, 02:25:49 PM
But why then were we dysphoric to the point of needing to transition?
I wasn't always. I sucked it up for decades. I seriously thought I could die with my deepest, darkest secret intact. And I damned near did. Twice.
The thing about dysphoria is that it seems to be a progressive thing more often than not. I could still live as a guy with the level of it I had even ten years ago and not have needed to transition. It got to the point where I didn't want to get out of bed, spent half the day crying in a fetal position and the other half completely drunk. Transitioning wasn't even remotely on the table for me until my therapist told me that my brain was starving for estrogen and that I was actually a prime candidate for a successful transition (and she was right about transition not being as big of a deal as I had made it out to be). I took the estrogen, it worked wonders for my mental state right away, and only then did I start to shed the decades of systemic denial. Two months later I was full time.
I am not really so certain there is such a thing as feeling female or male. At least not in the sense that one can "feel" anger or "feel" joy. The most I can reall approximate for me is that there are times when I feel "wrong" and I feel "Right". Being myself, being Femme, being on HRT all of these things just feel right to me, trying to push myself into a male role, or heck even try and understand why men think the way they do just feels "wrong" to me.
Perhaps a non-binary has a better description than that, it could be a simple case of me not knowing the feeling because in order to know it, there needs to be a contra feeling to compare it to.
I don't have all the answers, but I will say my feelings change all the time now. I was on HRT for 20 months before going full time, and during that period I felt like a man and HRT wasn't working. It took allot of electrolysis and my breast growth to make the change to full time.
Also, while Living as a man, I wanted to be a woman and cross dressed(had a secret). Living as a woman I have no desire to dress as a man, or crossdress per say(no secrets). So for me, the HRT helped, but living as a woman was the cure. Or may I say, HRT helped me live as a woman.
Not sure this helps :-\
Quote from: Northern Jane on June 09, 2014, 05:41:54 AM
That is a question I was asked a LOT when I was young and began protesting my 'assigned sex' but I didn't really have a clear answer then. The answer didn't evolve until a year or more post-op and didn't become crystal clear until decades later when I read "Why Gender Matters" (by Leonard Sax).
There is no "feeling female". What there IS is common experiences, things we have in common with others of the same gender.
As a child, my sense of being female came from commonalities with other girls, things like preferred forms of play and a dislike for loud or pushy behaviour, early development of linguistic abilities, preference for non-conflict, and concern for others. I understood and could identify with girls and felt one of them but had nothing in common with boys.
Through later childhood and my early teens, a growing sense of being excluded (to some extent) by girls was very distressing - I had always been excluded by boys - and I became very isolated.
Within a short time after SRS, like a year, I began to see my childhood differently. I always WAS a girl and, seen in that light my responses and my problems were totally understandable for a young girl trapped in an untenable situation. Integrating into women's life was a snap! It just meant letting go and relaxing into being myself, unguarded and uninhibited.
Through the 40 years since then the vast majority of my friends have been women (cis women) and we have talked about everything imaginable. In that time I have come to understand that the biggest factor in feeling like a woman is in shared experiences, both the good and the bad. With the exception of periods and childbirth, there is little difference between my life and those of my friends.
In my humble opinion, "feeling female" is about where you fit, the place in life where you fit in comfortably and naturally.
NorthernJane, I think that for many you've hit the nail right square on the head, and Ms Grace then followed it up (which ties in) with her thread about unexpected triggers (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,166548.0.html). And then there's that little thing called SRS... lol. Not to poo-poo anyone's late arrival, but it looks like the earlier one starts, the better.
The first time I felt female was when a transman (we are good friends and knew each other before we started hormones) said that in his eyes I always was female (I always saw him as a man, this happend just before we started on hormones). It was nice but it didn't stick.
It did stick when I fell in love with him ;D
Still though I'm just me so I feel like myself.
I feel female in sooooo many ways. Let's get a list going. Hugs Shannon
I feel like a female when I throw off my man clothes when I get home and put on my girly things. I feel like a female when I take my HRT. I feel like a female when I feel like me. Feeling female is such a big question. It can be visual, mental or just feeling finally right. All I know is that I love my girly feelings so much better than before.
Heather
I kind of look at this differently. I have always, at least since I was 11, felt female. I just didn't look like it and certainly wasn't allowed to let it show. I can think of several occasions in the past when I was doing super macho things with the thought in my mind that I was faking it all. One time in particular I distinctly remember thinking, women aren't supposed to be here, when thinking about myself.
I've been on HRT now for a while and I honestly really don't feel any differently about myself. I do look kind of different though which seems right. And makes me happy.. What I'm wearing or what I'm doing don't seem to make much difference.
So if I had to describe what it feeling male or female is I can only say I don't know. All I know is what I feel like and my mind has always said that was female.
I've felt female, but somehow WRONG, for a long, long time. On and off when I was very young, and again starting in my early 30s. (In between were T injections, military service, and general deflect, defer, and deny activities).
Now, since I started HRT, I wake up feeling female and RIGHT every morning recently. I'm even happy, and cheerful, which I haven't been EVER.
Quote from: eli77 on June 08, 2014, 01:43:34 PM
No, you won't ever know. We don't have the same experiences. Just like a black cis woman doesn't have the same experiences as a white cis woman. Or a cis woman born in England has different experiences from one born in Japan.
We have this idea that there is this mythic commonality among all women. Something that unites us together as one type of being, one version of reality. And to a degree, there is something to that. I have more similarities, more commonalities to another female than I do to a male. But that's all it is, really. We don't, we can't, experience our lives and our identities the same way as another human. Any other human. Ever. It is an unfortunate limit on the human condition, on communication. It's also why we developed poetry, music, literature, art--to try to find a way of crossing that impossible threshold, of offering impressions of our reality to another.
But we have to accept that not-knowing. You have to trust the inside of your head because that is all you've got.
A clever person said on these forums some time ago, "Everything I do is something a girl does because I'm a girl." Well, everything I feel is how a female feels because I am female. What does it mean to feel female? To feel like me.
I agree. It is not whether or not I feel female, because that has always been what I have felt. Hrt just helps our body to more align itself with how we have always felt. That s at least my feelings on it.
Jo
It's visual and emotional
One of the things that's been at the back of my mind for years is that, if I was to transition, would I have to put on a feminine act. For this reason, I always dismissed transition as an option and viewed myself as a guy with an interest in all things female.
However, now that I view transition as a more viable way forward for me (from an emotional standpoint, I'm pretty well sold on the idea but this has to be weighed up against a lot of other factors so is by no means a 'no brainer' for me), I have come to realise that it's not about being one thing or another but just being me.
However, there are some very clear differences between the genders and, even though (due to family issues) I am still having to present fully as male at present, when I do something in what I perceive to be a female way (sitting down in the bathroom or sitting down in a feminine way are good examples), it gives me the warm feeling of at least being on the journey inside.
Amanda
Hi there.
I was on a nearly 20 year hiatus from HRT, trying to ignore my overwhelming femininity. I had my GRS back in 1991. When I stopped any kind of HRT, I slowly started getting angrier, and this made it harder for me to enjoy anything. Lots of denial in there. I just restarted HRT a few days ago, and the relief I feel now is not like anything I can compare.
I present as male, but am often referred to as a ma'am, miss or missus. It is who I am.
Having estrogen [Estradiol] even a low dose for now, going thru my body again is the right match for my brain. I don't feel much different other than feeling so much more confident and sure of myself; I can't imagine now why I ever quit.
This proves to me that transitioning and GRS all those years ago was the best thing I could have done. I was right. I no longer care much what others think or how I present to them, they can 'clock' me all they want, I am who I am, and comfortable finally [again?] to be me.
Tanya
I am feeling really girly today I'm wearing pink panties and a matching pink bra and a floral dress with a bow and white heels. Hugs Shannon
It feels to be female when you want to transition. A cis girl will try to fix it if she is in the wrong body and being treated as the wrong gender. What could be more female than that?.