I got in a head state to write again, and this is the outcome.
There I was,
Sixteen and out.
I finally saw the world and understood it.
I just hoped the people on the other side did too.
Here I am now,
Twenty years young.
The world is just the same as it was back then.
Black and gray with a tinge of blue.
The names and faces remain the same,
The lies and games are overplayed.
Over twenty prescriptions under my belt,
Just to keep the demons away.
Three stays at the finest hotel for the unstable and crazed.
I guess it's just part of the act for them.
How do they expect me to keep quiet still,
When the only armor I can publicly wear is a piece of silver across my mouth,
And repeat the motto "Don't let them know; Don't disgrace our name"
Like a schoolyard pledge that has been hardwired into my had.
Don't tell me you're "trying to protect me" now.
Where were you all those years ago when I needed help?
What deaf ears did the shouting fall on?
How is this protection when I'm standing on the ledge you drove me to all those years ago,
During a warm July day when a broken backpack was all I though I'd need,
To help me cope with a trained hunger strike to survive the mean streets where those like me have to go,
Don't tell me it's to keep people from "making fun of me" now,
When you and all those around did the same.
It's too late to be a parent now.
It's far too late to claim your badge of honor now that the war is lost.
Don't act like my battle is some facade,
The act of some outgrown teenage rebellion--
An old regression of a kid at heart who lost their childhood,
Some act of a brat who never made it beyond the burger flipping stage.
The venom spat is like raining lithium that serves nothing but a reminder that I wasn't born right;
I'm not the perfect daughter you wanted,
I'm just the ghost of the son you threw away;
Who thought you'd understand the reminder of the stain of my life
Is like the ocean,
Eternal.
The reminder of how I'm not the man I should be,
With the needle in hand of someone robbed of their position;
Just trying to get back what was taken away
To burn the past like a bridge
In hopes its ghost will haunt me no more.
The reminder of danger around the corner brings the memories back;
Of nightmares of harassment and murder in the school halls,
The faces I always knew are the enemy of the fearfully blind,
In the land of pretenders and ignorant bliss--
The broken road ahead is all I've ever known,
Paved with the blood of those who fought or never made it.
I'm not your perfect daughter,
Just the ghost of the son you could have had but threw away.
I was just sixteen when I came out.
And I never thought it would truly be like this.