One of the next steps I have to take is telling my teenage kids that their dad is actually a girl. Not sure how they'll take it (boys, 15 and 18).
I'm sincerely hoping that they'll be cool with it - I tried to raise them that way, but as a parent I know full well that no matter what I tried to do to influence their values, I'm competing with the values espoused by their friends, the television, the internet, and their own independent thoughts on the subject. They've never really been too embarrassed to be seen with their old dad, but I'm guessing this could change that pretty quickly.
So...
Any stories about how it went with your own teenage kids? Good? Bad? Lots of slamming doors and cold shoulders, or just a hug and a "no big deal, I love you no matter what, dad (mom)"?
I don't want to frighten you; I hope your kids respond better than mine did, and the fact that you have sons may work in your favour. But mine are both girls, and they were utterly, inhumanly awful to me. Maybe girls react worse when it's their mother who is transitioning? Who knows.
In the two years since I came out to them, I've been completely starved of affection by my entire family; forbidden to attend anything at their school; been excluded from family events; been consistently misgendered; and had to suffer them making clear that my presence in my own home is barely tolerated. If I didn't pay all the bills, I'm sure they would've pushed hard to kick me out of my home.
All this in spite of the fact that my kids have been raised in a very open-minded environment, and both of them have LGBT friends at school. They say they behave this way because they're embarrassed and ashamed of me - both for being trans, and for being gay.
I sincerely hope it goes a heck of a lot better for you.
My 15 year old son was OK with it and I have been full time since January 1st of this year. As long as I don't block the Xbox in any way I could probably have four arms and no big deal. My 16 year old daughter though, OMG! She is a religious zealot and moved in with her mother. I do not get calls, texts, letters or any other form of contact at all. Her parting words were I was doomed to hell for eternity. She is of course Southern Baptist the same group who just adopted the resolution against us.
Quote from: __________ on June 17, 2014, 07:57:10 AM
Any stories about how it went with your own teenage kids? Good? Bad? Lots of slamming doors and cold shoulders, or just a hug and a "no big deal, I love you no matter what, dad (mom)"?
My kids were loving throughout, though it took them awhile to get used to the idea.
When I first started dressing, I'd announce to the house that I was "in costume" and they would retreat to far corners so they wouldn't have to see me. After a few weeks, my 17-year old son had had enough of this, and just hung around. He didn't seem to mind. (Amazing. If I'd seen my father en femme, it would have scarred me for life!)
My 16-year-old daughter, OTOH, never wanted to see me like that. I ended up raising the topic with her therapist, who agreed with me that it wasn't good for her not to see me the way I was going to be all the time when I went full-time. Still, it was only a couple weeks before I went full time that she was willing to see me this way.
It was another two months before she was willing to be seen in public with me, which is a lot, considering we used to go shopping together frequently.
Now my daughter and I are closer than ever. It's awkward with my son. He still loves me and sees me, but I think there's some distance that wasn't there when he saw me as male.
So the general teenage responses range from very bad to just okay...
Then again, thinking back to what I'd have done if I saw my dad growing tits, I'd have been mortified and deeply ashamed to be seen with him. I wouldn't have banished him from my life, but I'd certainly have asked him to wait in the car when he was collecting me from soccer.
Just one more thing to worry about. :(
Thanks for the responses.
My wife outed me last Sunday to my 16 year old daughter. She has gay friends and we raised her with no religion.
Sunday was ugly, Monday was cold, Tuesday was like nothing happened, Thursday was ugly and Friday was ok, Saturday and Sunday was good. I am out of the country and returning tomorrow.
My daughter has called me names (->-bleeped-<-, pussy, ->-bleeped-<-) and has said some pretty mean things. I remained calm and will bush back about the names when I get back.
She did not know what to think and is guided by my wife. My daughter is terrified that I will express.
Oh my, if there's one thing I am eternally grateful for, it's that my spouse will never use my kids to hurt me or poison them against me. Sorry to hear another less-than-ideal outcome and I hope it works out well, Cynthia Michelle - while a week isn't much history to base a prediction upon, it seems like it's already getting better day by day.
I think it depends on how the kid was raised and how much exposure they have had to LGBT issues. My son who turns 16 this year has been exposed to quite a lot over the years and even before my spouse came out to us he had seen a MTF young girl on 20-20. For my family once I knew that my husband was MTF we began talking about transgender with him then eventually just told him and he went ok cool whatever makes you happy. There were worries not so much about his reaction but how it would affect him at school because he just started high school and he is also a football player which we felt might lead to bullying and things. Fortunately nothing has gone wrong for us but the fear was there for sure.
I guess the only other thing I noticed is that no matter how accepting our son is he has issues from time to time. He'll tell me that he wasn't prepared for his Dad to wear this or behave in a new way but talking about it helps. I think my advice is to take small steps and let your children know that its ok for them to be confused or to talk with you about something that bothers them and hopefully it all goes well!
Quote from: __________ on June 17, 2014, 07:57:10 AM
One of the next steps I have to take is telling my teenage kids that their dad is actually a girl. Not sure how they'll take it (boys, 15 and 18).
I'm sincerely hoping that they'll be cool with it - I tried to raise them that way, but as a parent I know full well that no matter what I tried to do to influence their values, I'm competing with the values espoused by their friends, the television, the internet, and their own independent thoughts on the subject. They've never really been too embarrassed to be seen with their old dad, but I'm guessing this could change that pretty quickly.
So...
Any stories about how it went with your own teenage kids? Good? Bad? Lots of slamming doors and cold shoulders, or just a hug and a "no big deal, I love you no matter what, dad (mom)"?
I don't think it's right to do that to a 15 year old kid. Sorry but I think kids come first.
Quote from: Amy1988 on June 18, 2014, 08:17:21 PM
I don't think it's right to do that to a 15 year old kid. Sorry but I think kids come first.
She is not doing anything to her kids besides telling them the truth about who she is.
Quote from: Amy1988 on June 18, 2014, 08:17:21 PM
I don't think it's right to do that to a 15 year old kid. Sorry but I think kids come first.
If I was a kid, I'd much rather have a happy transsexual parent than a miserable or dead one. Worrying about what other people might think and allowing a largely transphobic society to dictate the terms of transition has already cost too many lives.
Quote from: Amy1988 on June 18, 2014, 08:17:21 PM
I don't think it's right to do that to a 15 year old kid. Sorry but I think kids come first.
They'll figure it out sooner or later. :)
I think hiding it would do far more harm than good. When I was hiding it, life was miserable for
everyone. My marriage was about to fall to pieces, my mental health was at an all time low (major depression, utterly disconnected from family life, might as well have been gone), I was abusing substances to get through the week, and there was a real risk of suicide. I was the world's worst dad. No, worse than that. I wasn't a dad at all. I was a stranger, and an unpleasant one at that.
Since coming out to my SO, the marriage has improved immensely, my relationship with the boys has improved immensely, and I've got my own mental health sorted out. We're more a family now than we ever were in the past decade.
I hid it so long in part to protect the kids, but that ended up hurting them more because of how destructive it was living in a closet. I also don't want to hide it and have them think that it's something shameful or disgusting. And I think they would rather have a happy trans dad than the drunk, angry, unstable piece of ->-bleeped-<- I used to be because of hiding things away inside.
Believe me, I've thought this through long and hard, and telling the boys is the right thing to do - at the right time (which is not when they're in their twenties). They'll handle it one way or another, and the dangers of postponing transition until they're older (and not necessarily better-equipped emotionally to cope with the change) are far greater than the dangers of telling them.
Son (19) and daughter (17) told at the start of 2014. It could have been earlier but I waited until physical changes made the conversation necessary. My daughter was wondering.
Son not impressed. He says he gets it intellectually but emotionally has big issues with it. He has said there is no way this will cause him to not want to be around me but there has been a period when he pulled back a bit. First year university so he does have a life away from me. I respect his view on my transition and hope to show him that it isn't as bad as he fears.
Daughter is ok. Both still refer to me as Dad and that will continue until I am full time. After that, who knows!
My wife and kids have never unloaded on me over my transition. It is very respectful and for that I am grateful.
I've got four kids and they are all cool with my transition. The biggest thing for them, I think, was how other people would react or treat them. Once they saw that adults were supportive, and other kids really didn't care, everything was fine. We all get along great, and I think having a sense of humor about it all has helped.
Quote from: Amy1988 on June 18, 2014, 08:17:21 PM
I don't think it's right to do that to a 15 year old kid. Sorry but I think kids come first.
I think you mean well, Amy. But the simple truth is, you can't shelter kids in the modern world, especially with the internet and how prevalent the media is in our lives now. In the case of something they will need to deal with because of their family situation, it's a lot better they learn about it from their parents.
In the case of Transgender issues, they better get used to it to begin with, because that's probably what rights activists are going to focus on more now that the whole marriage equality fight is all but a done deal. So they're going to hear about it anyway. If one of their parents is transgender, they're going to find out, and unlike in the past, they may even have some idea of what that means. Raising your children and being honest and open with them, and dealing with the fact that they are developing and will react as individuals which may go great or badly on any number of topics ... that's called parenting.
The kids come first, and being honest with them even when it's difficult, actually ...
ESPECIALLY when it's difficult, says a lot about a parent, their parenting style, and themselves as humans regardless of how the kids react. That's called parenting. Teaching your kids how to deal with the world around them.
Soon I'll be discussing with my therapist about telling my daughter as well, though she's 7. Everything I've read and everyone I've talked to says her young age will actually make the experience easier. Teenagers on the other hand, want little to do with their parents even when everything is fine and normal. But even the best teens need a good hard slap of reality to make them start being adults and thinking about the world outside of themselves. A jolt like "Dad isn't" may actually be just what they need even if it does make them more difficult to live with for a while.
Today's children are exposed to so much more transgender issues, and even gender-bending in all the shows they watch. Just as we had Bugs Bunny in drag growing up. Now it's pervasive. We focus a lot on things we see as negative stereotypes in media, but there is much more out there that I think is positive from the perspective of kids. Gender variance is just accepted with them these days, and you can definitely see the shift in young adults. It's not unusual for children to know of someone who is LGBT in their school, and the older they get the more likely it is.
I'm kind of glad that someone started this thread, because I've been perplexed with this situation for a while. I have a nine year old niece that kind of knows what's going on in my life. I've been dropping little hints at her from time to time, but because my sister's divorced and has had some problems my parents tell me that if child protection services finds out that my niece is living in an environment that they don't feel is good for her they could take custody of her. Should I wait till she's older before I tell her or should I risk it?
Quote from: Gina Taylor on June 26, 2014, 11:11:21 AM
I'm kind of glad that someone started this thread, because I've been perplexed with this situation for a while. I have a nine year old niece that kind of knows what's going on in my life. I've been dropping little hints at her from time to time, but because my sister's divorced and has had some problems my parents tell me that if child law finds out that my niece is living in an environment that they don't feel is good for her they could take custody of her. Should I wait till she's older before I tell her or should I risk it?
I'm pretty sure that child protection services can't remove children from the home because someone is transgender. So, you could try discussing it with your sister.
My 15 year old son was fine with me. He was just glad that I am happy now. He also confessed that he loves to cross dress....lol. Maybe it runs in the family?
He did admit that it took some "getting used to". But now it's just normal to him.
The only thing so far is that we are a bit confused about what he should call me :/
Quote from: TaoRaven on June 26, 2014, 11:06:29 PM
He also confessed that he loves to cross dress....lol.
OK I am dying to ask. Was it surprising or were there hints? :)
Total surprise. But I am glad that he feels comfortable enough to share that with me :-)
Quote from: TaoRaven on June 26, 2014, 11:53:36 PM
Total surprise. But I am glad that he feels comfortable enough to share that with me :-)
Sounds like you have a good relationship with him. :)
You can say it's not right to do that to a 15 year old.
1. It's there. You need to deal with it. You can't pretend anything that some people don't like doesn't exist. Shall we pretend that there are no gays too? How about not people of different races?
2. It stigmatises us. I know there is something to deal with there, but by saying pish it back in the can, you are giving the message that trans people are something to be ashamed of and should be hidden. I would want my children to be brought up with good values. Even if they are not popular values.
Quote from: Gina Taylor on June 26, 2014, 11:11:21 AM
I'm kind of glad that someone started this thread, because I've been perplexed with this situation for a while. I have a nine year old niece that kind of knows what's going on in my life. I've been dropping little hints at her from time to time, but because my sister's divorced and has had some problems my parents tell me that if child law finds out that my niece is living in an environment that they don't feel is good for her they could take custody of her. Should I wait till she's older before I tell her or should I risk it?
In this situation, here's what I would do:
1. Honestly and straight forwardly answer any questions your niece asks. It's not fair to you or your relationship with your niece to ask you not to give simple facts about yourself when she's curious.
2. However, for all other communication, run it by her mom (your sister).
I wish I felt as certain about CPS not caring about a transperson in your niece's family, but with some of the wacky stories I've heard lately...
My wife and daughter seam to be adjusting well and there has not been any hostility or nasty comments for a week. So, I am guessing the shock of the news to my daughter has worn off and my wife no longer has to worry about how she will take it. I wish I could have presented the message but that is water under the bridge.
Gina, I would discuss what you wanted to say to your niece with your sister. Also, I would abide with her wishes.
My kids just graduated out of their teenage years so I am hesitant to reply, but maybe someone can get something out of this. I have two daughters aged 20 & 21. Both are away at college now. I recently came out to both of them.
The older one was like "that's cool" when I told her. She has some very good gay friends and she surprised me with some rather strong feelings that she expressed about equality; I never had a clue that she felt that way. She has not seen me in person in female mode but she has seen pictures.
The younger one is more of a "deep" person and she had to think it over for a little while but she eventually reached the "that's cool" attitude too. She's seen me in female mode and we've been shopping together as females. For father's day she sent me some jewelry. She recently went to the pride march in the town where her college is and apparently had a good time. She has expressed to me the same strong feelings about equality that my oldest daughter did.
Who knew that they were so cool? I have found that kids in general are generally more accepting than older generations because to most of them it's no big deal - they grew up with it (except for the overly sheltered kids).
Speaking of sheltering kids - we did not shelter them from the world (but we did shelter them from danger of course). We talked about various things that happened in their lives and in the news and we discussed why people are like they are. I encouraged them to be who they are and to accept people as they are. Now they are doing the same with me.
Me coming out as trans has actually brought me closer to the youngest one. There was miles of separation between us when I was pretending to be a man because I was angry and drunk all of the time. As Jill said - better a happy trans parent then a miserable one pretending to be someone else.
Quote from: suzifrommd on June 27, 2014, 06:30:06 AM
In this situation, here's what I would do:
1. Honestly and straight forwardly answer any questions your niece asks. It's not fair to you or your relationship with your niece to ask you not to give simple facts about yourself when she's curious.
2. However, for all other communication, run it by her mom (your sister).
I wish I felt as certain about CPS not caring about a transperson in your niece's family, but with some of the wacky stories I've heard lately...
Thanks Suzi for your excellent suggestions. I will talk to my sister and my niece, because my life is just as important to me as she is to me, and losing her will never be a part of the equation.Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on June 27, 2014, 07:10:57 AM
Gina, I would discuss what you wanted to say to your niece with your sister. Also, I would abide with her wishes.
Thanks as always for your kind and sweet word Cynthia. I plan to be discussing these things with my sister and my niece. :) And hopefully it should come out good :)Quote from: Amy The Bookworm on June 26, 2014, 09:38:22 PM
I'm pretty sure that child protection services can't remove children from the home because someone is transgender. So, you could try discussing it with your sister.
Thanks for your excellent input Amy. I do plan on talking with child protection services and finding out for myself where I stand, so I at least have something to fall back on if my sister has a rebuttal. ;D
This is interesting to me since I have not yet crossed this bridge but know I must soon. My kids are son 22 and daughter 18. I expect my daughter to be easier than my son, but who knows.
Not looking forward to it but I know its overdue. Sigh....
Quote from: Samantha Rogers on June 28, 2014, 12:51:13 PM
This is interesting to me since I have not yet crossed this bridge but know I must soon. My kids are son 22 and daughter 18. I expect my daughter to be easier than my son, but who knows.
Not looking forward to it but I know its overdue. Sigh....
If that picture is you, you should show them that. You look very happy in it (and cute too!). I think that's something that people need to see from us sometimes. They don't realize how down right happy we are being ourselves. I went to visit my mom recently, and she walked me through putting on makeup. The pictures she took of me are probably the happiest I have ever looked in my entire life.
Yes thats me, Amy (thanks)
I know the conversation is coming and I am pretty sure my daughter knows something is up. I had already raised suspicions by gradully adding skinny jeans, longer hair, and jewelry such as bracelets and a neck chain or two to my drab attire over the last year, blending the lines quite a bit. But it really raised her eyebrows when I had my ears pierced not too long ago. Lol
Sigh...can't put this off much longer, I am afraid.
Of course, between his video games and controlled substance appetite my son would probably not notice if I was wearing a LBD. :D
My kid is atypical. A little bit intellectually disabled, a little bit schizoid, very ticcy, and entirely dependent on me. But here's how it was for us - I told her when she was 11, accidentally blurting it out in frustration after she cracked up laughing when I suggested I might try on her nail polish. I should have told her years before that, but I thought she knew. My outward transition by then was happening gradually but was very obvious.
Her initial reaction was sobbing. She had thought I was a gay woman (we had been involved in lgbt and civil rights stuff all her life) and she had her heart set on my marrying another woman so she could get a mom who wore dresses and makeup. I never knew before that she thought that, or wanted that, and so my years of trying to be reasonable and acceptable only set her up to be confused and disappointed. I regret waiting so long.
I tried to comfort her at the time, but all I could give was hugs and reassurances I wasn't going anywhere. Her tears subsided almost instantly when she realized that she could have a DAD, omg a dad. She thought I would instantly become a hulking manly man and all danger would be null and void. She rambled half that night about how powerful I was and what problems I could solve. I thought I had raised her to be less rigid in her gender definitions, but I can't control society. We had only recently left alabama.
I told her she could call me mom as long as she needed to, but she quickly switched to 'dad' of her own volition. She would use mom occasionally, and the only pattern I could see was it seemed if someone knew I was trans she would use mom and if nobody knew she would call me dad. When we were alone it was dad all the way.
She was sometimes embarrassed of me, but that depended on who was around. We have since stopped hanging out in places where gender or sexuality is overpoliced. Transpeople on the radio these last few years seem to have helped her see my "problem" with gender as a real and global phenomenon. She is much more accepting and willing to treat my being trans as more than a weird secret when other people have the same problem, and the problem is framed as normal people facing barriers to being themselves.
-
All that is a whole lot of words about my own child (who is different), when what I mean is your kid will accept and respect you if nobody important to your kid doesn't. Your children will follow the lead of the coolest kids in their classes and the most-liked family they know. I do agree with what's been said about kids these days being more aware of the variety of human experience than most of us were growing up, and that it's not fair (to other transpeople's existence or to cispeoples' intelligence) to treat gender identity as shameful or unimportant.
As a few others have mentioned it's good to tell the kids rather than to hide it/avoid it because it just doesn't work well. It's not so much about how they find out or when as to what life is like if the parent can't be open with how they feel. My son had very little of a relationship with his father and part of that was because his dad was struggling with being transgender and none of us knew this. We only saw how depressed, angry and closed off he was and it was getting worse over time. Coming out to both me and our son has done wonders for their relationship as they have started to communicate with one another and do things and it's awesome! I'd hate to think of what could have happened to both of them if my husband hadn't come out. The risk is well worth taking so that both the parent and the child can have a chance at being happy and having a better relationship :)
I've done some research in the past week, and I've found that by me being around my niece as a woman is not going to change her because she is who she is and I know how much she loves me as a person and my influence on her will only be as a person and won't be reflected because of my chosen gender. :)