Hi everyone!
I am Nikki, I am 27 and I just recently accepted the fact that I am female inside. I Have known since my earliest memories as a child. I have had countless day dreams and other fantasies and dreams about being female.
Accepting it was not easy, I almost killed myself a couple of times and then took at look at my life and realized I was slowly killing myself for the past 10 years. I would sit on my computer and hide behind video games and smoke lots of pot to dull my female emotions. I had been to the point where I was drinking 2 giant 2liters of pop a day and finishing entire pizzas by myself, cramming junk food down my thought hoping I would have a heart attack and die.
Denial for me has been the worse though, when I thought it cant be done, or ill be ugly, or im too fat, or my friends will leave me and ill be alone, I would just take those excuses and run with them.
I had never been attracted to gay men so I was always confused on why I felt this way. Then I learned Gender orientation is different than sexual orientation.
I have been secretly watching transition timelines for about 5+ years and always imagining myself trying to do the same thing.
When I realized that being depressed and hating myself isn't going to make it feel better, I accepted who I was. And honestly, Im the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.
To think, being female has been on my mind every day of my life, and I just shoved it under the rug like a lazy procrastinator.
Any who, I really look forward to being myself and actually being happy for the rest of my days.
Now Im almost 2 weeks into acceptance, I have been on a diet and working on my body daily, and scheduled to see a therapist to start gender therapy.
I quit smoking pot and I only drink water and eat healthy foods.
I have literally never felt this good, my self-esteem is so very high I feel like crying when I type this out.
I shaved my beard yesterday and saw my real face, ( I haven't shaved it all off in years) I got to say, I am going to be a very beautiful woman and look forward to all the great things I missed out on growing up as a biological male.
I have no fashion sense, I don't know makeup, I don't have any girly cloths that fit. I am literally on ground zero here.
Anyhow that's my slightly complex story, and I am happy to share it with you.
Hi Nikki, Welcome to Susan's.
We all had to start at zero so you will find many people with lots of advice when it comes to make up, fashion or even doctors or therapists.
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- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
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Hi Nikki!
Welcome to Susan's. I can completely relate about the depression and suicidal thoughts. It was horrible, right? It's been over six months and I'm still flying on the happy that replaced all that darkness. I'm so happy for you that you made it though and into the light. :laugh:
You're a part of the family here now. Come on in and relax. This is a safe place to explore and interact. :angel:
Thank you so much :)
A big warm welcome Nikki! You story sounds so familiar to us. You have found a great family here to learn and make new friends in. :)
Hi Nikki and welcome to Susan's. Self acceptance often leads to self-discovery. When I accepted myself it was a life changing event. Today nine years later I've never been happier. Thank you for sharing your wonderful story.
:)