I'm 3 years into transition, 4 years if you count the name change and male presentation before T, and sometimes I forget I'm even trans. I mean, I don't know if I feel like a cis-guy, but it feels like I've always been this way. It doesn't feel like 5 years ago I was straightening my hair and wearing eyeliner to class just to fit in.
Today was my last day of summer class (university) and a bunch of us went for drinks after and a few of us were talking and the topic of my transition came up. I'm pretty open about being transgender, and people talk, so a lot of people in my program know. Heck, I performed a monologue about it in a play in front of thousands of first years a couple years ago. Today I said it was weird that all of these people met me after I started T and never knew me as (femalename), but that the people I met in first year university in 2009 knew who I was before and watched me transition. I'm not really good friends with any of those people. All of my friends only know me as who I am now. These friends have seen pictures and heard clips of me singing, and they say I look and sound like me in both, just different genders. My mom says that too.
My dad thinks I'm going to wake up and regret this some day. I will admit that I sometimes have twinges of missing my soprano singing voice. I had trained for years. But at the same time, the voice I have now is truly my own. Maybe I won't be as great a singer, but to be me, that's pretty cool.
When I first found out what transgender was and said "whoa that's me!" part of me was worried that I was rushing into it because I was unhappy with myself. Or bored. I know that's ridiculous, but that's why I got therapy. I do admit that part of me thought I might have an easier time as an actor if I transitioned. But I told all of that to a psychologist and she helped me work through things to see if I was really transgender. Some days I do worry that I'll want to present as female again, and it will be harder now that my voice is deeper and I have facial hair. I'm going to try performing drag this fall to see if that's enough.
I do think transitioning was the right step for me, even if my trans narrative isn't the usual one that people would expect. 3 years in, I'm happier and more confident than I ever was.
Just a rant to people who might understand.
Thanks for sharing your story. Good to hear you are happy now. It's ok if your narrative isn't the usual one. People like you sharing your stories shows that there's a lot of ways to be true to our self and a lot of ways to be trans
Congrats on 3 years. If you feel better now, don't let other people's opinions sway you. You know you better than anyone else will.
Does anyone know that Eddie Izzard quote off the top of their head about "these aren't women's clothes, these are MY clothes! I own them!" Or something like that. I like wearing "women's" clothes sometimes. Nothing wrong with that. I say give it a shot! There's no law saying men can't wear whatever they want.