I was just wondering whether the new people to the site would like to share their experiences of what made them consider that they might be transgender. I know I told my story before , but honestly it helps me put things in perspective to share with others who have dealt with the same issues. I've noticed that quite a few new members are visiting the site and it would be interesting to see why they're here on this particular site. Susan's has helped me sort things out quite a lot. Well for me it started when I was 4 years old. I started cross dressing with my older sisters clothes. I found her clothes a lot better then mine and I love to dress up as much as I could at night when I thought everyone was asleep. I also used to sleep in my sisters fancy slips. I'm sure my parents were aware of it because the slip was off and I don't remember taking it off by morning. I also had a boy friend at 5 or 6. I didn't realize he was a boyfriend until later , but we held hands and I felt very comfortable with him. My parents tried to get me to stop talking to him because I think people saw us holding hands. That approach didn't work though. I continued to cross dress through grade school and high school and college till the present . I totally never fit the male role. I played the game in late high school with parties and dating ,but I was a phony bologna . Half my psyche was trying unsuccessfully be a guy , the other half was this dark secret of yearning for who I truly was. MY life was basically very painful. I got out of high school and met a bunch of girls at an all girls school who accepted me as a sister ,It's was a very joyous time of my life. I started doing LSD and I stopped the cross dressing ,but always hallucinated about being female. I've always so desired to be a woman. Always thought about the operation. Reached out to psychiatrists and psychologists , but never was able to reveal my true condition until last year when I lost all hope and thought the only way out was the eternal abyss . I stopped doing LSD and the cross dressing and bi- sex exploded. Aids came along and I went into sexual hibernation . I turned totally towards cross dressing and learning how to be a total woman the best I could. I always dreamed of being on estrogen , but outwardly I was in so much denial of being transgender . Severe conflict between the inside and outside. I totally wish I had the nerve to approach someone early on about getting hormone therapy , but it was such a dark secret I was hiding I wouldn't let it out. It took a stint on suicide watch in a hospital to finally admit to my self I was transgender and there was only one way to continue living and that was to transition. I'm so very great full to the team of doctors the gave me my life back. I'm kind of writing this maybe in the hope of helping the newcomers with my story and to say there is hope. sorry for the rant if you've heard me tell this before , but honestly it's mostly a selfish motive to talk about it just to free myself of the pain of the past, Thanks everyone for listening I truly appreciate it.
For me, it was looking back over my life and realizing that I've felt trans related things at different points. My first memory of dysphoria was being around five and being utterly convinced that I was born a girl, but that my parents wanted a boy and just had things... rearranged. As I began to hit puberty, my subconscious sort of... hid my transness from me because honestly, I don't think I would've made it through those years as I was already struggling HARD with sexuality. My mind took care of me in that respect. About a year ago (I was 19), I really began to feel these emotions resurface and I began to dive into them. None of that is to say I still didn't feel trans during the 13-18 period of my life... god knows I was so jealous of cis girls.
The reason I came to Susans is because I wanted to learn more about being trans from other trans people. I wanted to know their narratives so I could see how we relate to each other and learn from other experiences.
There is a lot of similarity amongst us. I was very surprised when I found this out.
I am currently 27. For as long as I can remember I have felt this way, but never had the courage or self respect to accept it.
My earliest memory as a toddler was going into my cousins room and putting on her girl underwear. I also cant remember this, but Im told when I was around that age I was caught putting on makeup.
When I was a little bit older, 7 or 8 I saw this documentary (what sex am I?) and I was instantly saying to myself that I want to be like this man who changed into a woman.
Around that same age I was caught by my cousin wearing her clothing, everyone was out in the pool swimming and she came in to use the bathroom and didn't knock. She saw me and never said a thing to anyone ever.
I was forced to go to catholic school and I was an altar boy for 6 or so years. Durring this time growing up in a catholic school, I always felt wrong, I envied the girls and their outfits constantly.
I was picked on every day by almost everyone, including the girls. There was a select few who liked me.
When I went into high school I became a drug dealer and didn't appreciate myself. I was depressed a lot, smoked cig's and I was emo/goth. Of course I had really good friends, but for some reason I felt awkward everywhere I went (this has been my whole life) they call it dysphoria.
Durring high school I had a bunch of female clothing, and I slept in girls cloths almost every night for a couple years.
I had several denial points where I burned the cloths and said it wasn't possible, I cant do it.
I kept telling myself it was a fettish thing for the longest time, I would do my business and then tell myself ->-bleeped-<- this, im not doing this anymore ... but then a couple hours I would look and see hmm, im still wearing these cloths and it feels pretty good.
I have felt awkward and different for a long time, I hated myself and always just wanted to be loud and high pitched, but was always silenced by my guy friends.
SO about 2-3 weeks ago I had a break down and I accepted it, I saw a video of this manly looking marine and she transitioned into a astonishing female.
I have ALWAYS had feminine qualities, soft skin, my face is feminine (I often get told I look just like my mom) (this is why I hid behind a beard for so long).
So I had this breakdown, almost crashed my car and cried for about 5 hours, then realized everything added up to this, be yourself, you know you are a girl because its all your thinking about all day (" I wish I was her, I wish I could trade body's with her, she is gorgeous, I love that makeup")
Once I accepted it and made my new facebook I felt empowered and haven't felt this kind of happiness ever, I MEAN EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I reached out and called a therapist, she told me if I go every week I she can write me a letter as soon as possible, she also knows all the doctors I will need to consult because she has delt with the trans community for over 20 years.
O yeah, every girlfriend I've ever had was Bi-sexual, or is now gay. Not sure if that means anything. My first love was Bi-sexual, and she called me out one day and asked if I was wanting to be female, I never answered her but DAMN.. when I look back thats crazy.
congrats. yea I had a girl friend once that told me I should of been a girl, but I didn't quite understand at the time what she meant.
Quote from: stephaniec on June 22, 2014, 03:38:56 PM
congrats. yea I had a girl friend once that told me I should of been a girl, but I didn't quite understand at the time what she meant.
Thanks, yeah its weird when you connect with someone and they can really see who you are.
I had a resident in the rehab I manage who's trans. While researching it to serve him better I kept seeing things that apply to me.
Since then I'm remembering more and more, even recent things that just didn't click. For example I play an MMO and have about 30 characters. Only two are male. So. When I told one of my online friends who has never interacted with me other than by text that I think I'm trans she asked me why I thought I was male inside. ::)
BTW. My avatar is one of my characters, Polly Phoenix.
Quote from: Dee Walker on June 22, 2014, 03:50:25 PM
I had a resident in the rehab I manage who's trans. While researching it to serve him better I kept seeing things that apply to me.
Since then I'm remembering more and more, even recent things that just didn't click. For example I play an MMO and have about 30 characters. Only two are male. So. When I told one of my online friends who has never interacted with me other than by text that I think I'm trans she asked me why I thought I was male inside. ::)
BTW. My avatar is one of my characters, Polly Phoenix.
that's quite interesting
My earliest childhood memories about age 3 are of wanting to tag along with the girls, not feeling in my place with boys, dreams of being a girl... This went along forever since I can remember. I had bunchs of female friends and little male friends and the girls would use female pronouns on me all the time though I never paid much attention to it until recently. Everytime I saw something about sex change on TV or the press I was extremely fascinated by it yet in deep denial.
I can definitely relate to the being female bodied hallucinations on LSD, those were really nice and happy. I did not do much xdressing except at uni, I spent one full year full time out except during classes, had a bunch of friends and people who knew me only as a girl. Before getting a stable relationship, a job and a flat, I thought having these things would somehow mean the end of this "stage" (silly me LOL), but now I see after getting them, that there was only one way out, so here I am. Years before I came out to anyone or even myself, my GF would every so and so ask me, if I did not want to be a girl? If I did not wish I was born female? Am pleasantly surprised for all of us that many of you had a mirror experience of this kind with the GF asking stuff and connecting on a deeper level.
It seems there's a lot of similarities in experiences.
With having older sisters I remember wearing pink nail varnish, and the infant school saying something to mum. Trying to put on knee high boots and being yanked away by my father. Fairly constant fantasising about being a girl when I was a teenager. Various comments through my life like "you'd have made a good woman" and a few "misgenderings" as a female, even when in make mode. Most of all the constant nagging away in my mind about what's really going on and a complete inability to wish or think it away, leading to spirals of depression until- enough!
It's not a easy decision to make about who you really are, but I think I'm getting there.
Ros
Quote from: rosinstraya on June 22, 2014, 05:03:04 PM
It seems there's a lot of similarities in experiences.
With having older sisters I remember wearing pink nail varnish, and the infant school saying something to mum. Trying to put on knee high boots and being yanked away by my father. Fairly constant fantasising about being a girl when I was a teenager. Various comments through my life like "you'd have made a good woman" and a few "misgenderings" as a female, even when in make mode. Most of all the constant nagging away in my mind about what's really going on and a complete inability to wish or think it away, leading to spirals of depression until- enough!
It's not a easy decision to make about who you really are, but I think I'm getting there.
Ros
I can vouch for that , it's extremely difficult
I have an old video that covers that to a degree
https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CB4QtwIwAQ&url=http%3A%2F%2Fm.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DQ3ALYHqaZUY&rct=j&q=xjulieb1x&ei=oVunU8aLEqGm0QXSmIGADQ&usg=AFQjCNEAFBaSy4Q09Blgi82luqta7rzPdQ&bvm=bv.69411363,d.d2k
Xx
As a pre-everything soon-to-be-transitioner, I'd just like to share my feelings in this thread for younger transitioners like me who might relate to it or have similar situations
I remember one time I felt like asking my father if I was born a girl or a hermaphrodite, and if he chose me to be a male. This was before I knew what ->-bleeped-<- was. I thought that there had to be some reason or justification for why I detested being biologically male so much. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't ask, because it would have been an awkward and embarrassing situation.
Quote from: Chic on June 22, 2014, 06:56:08 PM
As a pre-everything soon-to-be-transitioner, I'd just like to share my feelings in this thread for younger transitioners like me who might relate to it or have similar situations
I remember one time I felt like asking my father if I was born a girl or a hermaphrodite, and if he chose me to be a male. This was before I knew what ->-bleeped-<- was. I thought that there had to be some reason or justification for why I detested being biologically male so much. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't ask, because it would have been an awkward and embarrassing situation.
I was way to introverted as a child to ever bring anything like this up. I was always afraid my parents would ask me about my cross dressing, they never did though
I first came here a few years ago (with an old user name) mostly to figure things out. Since childhood I had been dreaming about being reborn, but as a girl. And as the years passed I started feeling more strongly that I was unfairly locked out of the "women's club". So I had to realize that no, not everyone feels this way, and no, this is not a 30 year long phase I'm going through. So I came here to learn more about the trans spectrum and where I fit in. And after reading posts here for a year or two, I was sure that transsexualism applied to me, so I worked up the courage to seek out the local gender identity team.
And now, a year after I changed my name and started treatment, I stay to offer my story and perspective to those who come here with the same questions I did, and to see how things are going for those who are at the same part of the journey as me, and those who have come even further.
When I decided to physically transition, that was when I had made up my mind after... at least 16 years of going back and forth from what was preferred, in my family, to what I 'selfishly' wanted for myself. The idea of being transgender was scary beyond belief for me. That was mostly because I didn't know much of the term, for I only saw snippets on television, and how society diagnosed transgender men and women. I was twelve when I was fully aware that someone could actually transition from a genetically male body, to female, but by that time I still didn't accept that I was 'in-waiting'.
I've had periods of wanting to physically become a woman, to thinking about how that would affect my present and future relationships (with family and friends), and then deterring from the transition path altogether-- dysphoria doesn't just leave, though, and I found that out when I was reaching 18. I was in angst at that point, hating myself, metaphorically steaming and spitting fire at my face in the mirror. I just loathed me, altogether. I couldn't brush it off as a phase any longer, otherwise I think I'd hate myself even more, and I'd just be a wreck to myself and everyone close to me.
I'm still in a limbo period, but I've recognized that I'm mentally prepared now, more than I would be if I were as bold I am now, only younger. Granted I'm 20 (Just turned 20 this month), but I feel like I need to act as soon as possible so I can truly be happy, and not just a happiness of optimism and hope for the future. I want to feel happy for the -now-.
Essentially I always knew I wanted to be a female, but I didn't know how to exactly achieve that until, basically, a year ago.
I've had the feeling of wanting to be a girl all of my life. But with all of the denial and fear it's never been as strong as last year in May. That's when the pressure of life boiled over. I wasn't happy any more and I had to find out what was behind that door in my mind. I wanted to be before risking the wonderful life that I had.
And thanks to Susan's and my therapist I am sure that I am on the right path now. Aside from my divorce I am happier and more productive as a person. My friends are helping me to survive. My mother, while having some trouble dealing with whole female pronoun thing, is very accepting. And the changes in my body aren't scaring the ever living crap out of me thanks to everyone who shares their experiences here.
Thank you. Thank you all for sharing. :)
Girl forever, never had any need to be a boy, dressed as a girl for as long as I can remember, then I hit the real world of work etc, my mum threw me out at 13, made my way as best I could, scary, and often painful, but I was me. Then I managed to get into a hostel, still a girl. Then I was told in no uncertain terms, that if I wanted to get on that that had to stop. So I did stop and the depression that followed was so dark, cried all of the time, lived in a very dark place for years. Coming to Susan's and my Gothic friends made all things possible. And I thank you all for helping me get to where I am now. Nobody will ever tell me again to be what I am not, you have all made this happen, you all gave me strength and hope again and you saved me from the hell I lived in.
Love and hugs
Jayne & Ian ( My fiancé)
xxxxxxx
Quote from: JayneS on June 23, 2014, 09:35:18 AM
Girl forever, never had any need to be a boy, dressed as a girl for as long as I can remember, then I hit the real world of work etc, my mum threw me out at 13, made my way as best I could, scary, and often painful, but I was me. Then I managed to get into a hostel, still a girl. Then I was told in no uncertain terms, that if I wanted to get on that that had to stop. So I did stop and the depression that followed was so dark, cried all of the time, lived in a very dark place for years. Coming to Susan's and my Gothic friends made all things possible. And I thank you all for helping me get to where I am now. Nobody will ever tell me again to be what I am not, you have all made this happen, you all gave me strength and hope again and you saved me from the hell I lived in.
Love and hugs
Jayne & Ian ( My fiancé)
xxxxxxx
good for you a survivor and a happy camper
I think I always knew that i was a girl. When I was young I loved playing with the girls, and if we played house I always wanted to be the mommy. I was always jealous to see the girls dressed up in their dresses. Teenage years saw me jealous of the girls as they started to development breasts. at the age of 14.. i tried on pantyhose for the first time, i remember seeing my moms black pantyhose (still my favorite color today) in the hamper... and i got this urge to put them on, just like the girls at school. Before I knew it.. I had them on... I loved the feeling and was sad when it was time to take them off. This quickly became a habit. I started buying own pantyhose in various colors.. I got a cheerleader skirt when I was about 16 or 17 and panty followed sometime after that.
At the age of 19 a something terrible at time, but turned out amazing happened. I was caught in my cheerleader skirt by a female friend.. I was studying in it, as she kinda worked in on me. We were close, so I spoke with her and she understood. She supported me fully and she helped me a few weeks later dress fully. She worked at a thrift store at the time. She organized the outfit.
I wore a blue dress, black pantyhose. That night was the first time I shaved my legs, wore makeup, wore a bra, painted my nails and wore heels. It felt amazing and right... she had no issues with me dressed up in front of her.. I dressed often and the outfits grew and like the pantyhose it became a habit and i accepted that I was a cross dresser, i even got my ears pierced later on. She encouraged me to seek therapy and on my 21st birthday I started HRT.This female friend who now is my roommate was there for SRS 3 years later. She painted my nails (hands and toes) pink to welcome me to womanhood for the hospital stay.
My roommate helped and taught me to be a woman. She taught me how to apply makeup, match outfits and how to walk in heels. The most difficult thing once i accepted myself.. was learning to sit like a lady.. ladies don't sit with there legs open. Now its second nature.
Quote from: noleen111 on June 23, 2014, 10:05:47 AM
I think I always knew that i was a girl. When I was young I loved playing with the girls, and if we played house I always wanted to be the mommy. I was always jealous to see the girls dressed up in their dresses. Teenage years saw me jealous of the girls as they started to development breasts. at the age of 14.. i tried on pantyhose for the first time, i remember seeing my moms black pantyhose (still my favorite color today) in the hamper... and i got this urge to put them on, just like the girls at school. Before I knew it.. I had them on... I loved the feeling and was sad when it was time to take them off. This quickly became a habit. I started buying own pantyhose in various colors.. I got a cheerleader skirt when I was about 16 or 17 and panty followed sometime after that.
At the age of 19 a something terrible at time, but turned out amazing happened. I was caught in my cheerleader skirt by a female friend.. I was studying in it, as she kinda worked in on me. We were close, so I spoke with her and she understood. She supported me fully and she helped me a few weeks later dress fully. She worked at a thrift store at the time. She organized the outfit.
I wore a blue dress, black pantyhose. That night was the first time I shaved my legs, wore makeup, wore a bra, painted my nails and wore heels. It felt amazing and right... she had no issues with me dressed up in front of her.. I dressed often and the outfits grew and like the pantyhose it became a habit and i accepted that I was a cross dresser, i even got my ears pierced later on. She encouraged me to seek therapy and on my 21st birthday I started HRT.This female friend who now is my roommate was there for SRS 3 years later. She painted my nails (hands and toes) pink to welcome me to womanhood for the hospital stay.
My roommate helped and taught me to be a woman. She taught me how to apply makeup, match outfits and how to walk in heels. The most difficult thing once i accepted myself.. was learning to sit like a lady.. ladies don't sit with there legs open. Now its second nature.
you have a very nice story.
I did not understand what was wrong with me until I was thirty and saw something on TV and went to the library.. picked up a book and started to cry when I read my life's story. I thought I was alone...
I from an early age thought I was supposed to be a girl..But being a son of a coach.. my dad made sure I knew how to behave like a dude..seriously.
Not one day of my life was not affected by my GID.
Ugh.. what a journey.. life is good.. and I am happy society is changing its views toward the LGBT community.. yea!
Carrie
Indeed a very beautiful story Noleen!
I planned on writing a short reply but ended up with a summery of my life story. Sorry about that, when I start writing I just can't seem to stop... :icon_lol:
The first thing I can recall is being in the first class of primary school, I was 4 years old at the time, looking at one of the girls in my class and wishing I was a girl like her. I thought it was something weird and didn't plan on telling someone. Most of the times when I could make a wish I'd wish I would become a girl. As time passed I caught the information that there were people that "were born inside the wrong body" and underwent surgery to get a female body. From that point on I wanted to become a woman when I grew older.
Like ganjina everytime I saw something on television or in the newspaper about sex changes I would get fascinated. But I also felt a feel of shame, caused by the reaction of my father on the subject. Whenever the topic came up on TV or when we one time ran into a crossdresser/transgendered woman he would make ugly remarks that reinforced me hiding my feelings and thinking I was a freak. The same happened whenever I would play with the clothes some of my pluchies had on or when I showed other forms of feminine behavior.
At the end of primary school I started dressing in my mothers clothes when I was home alone and I had a good group of friends that seemed to accept me for who I was. I was never mocked for identifying with female characters and even accepted as one of the girls for a day. Even though we were joking it felt really good. Looking back that was actually a really happy time in my life. My mom must have suspected something when I wanted a girly agenda in 6th grade (4th grade in the USA). She was alright with it, but was afraid I would get bullied.
Things changed when I went to high school. My mom has psychological problems and could make my life a misery when she went on a rage. When I hit puberty I wouldn't take her :icon_censored: anymore and it became hard for me to stay with her any longer. So I ran away to go live with my father (my parents got divorced when I was 4) For the first two years I was too busy with school and the lawsuits between my parents, however just like PoeticHeart not a day went by that I didn't want to be like the girls I encountered. When I was 16 the lawsuits were finished, I tried to fit in with the boys and went out a lot. This was it, this was life...
..well life wasn't that great. I got to the point where I got depressed. It got better when I started hanging out with a group of girls that became my best friends. At this time I started buying my first own female clothes and slowly the feeling of guilt and shame of doing it turned into some sort of acceptance that I was at least a crossdresser. One day I came across a Youtube channel of a girl from Hawaii, transitioning in her teens. I wished I could to that too, but I quickly returned into a state of denial. I had to live like a boy in the body that testosterone had already made into something I didn't feel right in. I really felt trapped in the wrong body, but just couldn't accept the situation.
This changed when I had just turned 18 and went on a vacation to Cuba. I met some great people, including some gay people and a fashion designer from Venezuela. I actually still have a cloth bag that she made, which reminds me of a good time. They showed me that it's okay to be who you are and accept yourself. When I got back I didn't feel the need to be one of the boys anymore and in my final year of high school I started letting myself become one of the girls. On a sunny winter's day I got all dressed up after finishing a week of exams and I felt the happiest I ever did until that point in my life. I wanted to be a girl forever and for the first time show others that this is who I am. I asked myself two questions; 1. If there was a magic pill that would make me a girl, would I take it? Yes, because I have been wanting to be a girl for nearly as long as I remeber. 2. If there was a magic pill that would make me a boy without the feelings of being a girl, would I take it? No, because I never felt as good as when I expressed myself as a girl and taking that away would make me another person. I am a girl.
Three months later I made the phone call to the gender clinic. I grew older now and my SRS is getting close. Sometimes wishes do come true...
What brought me to Susan's in the first place is to read people's experiences with surgeons. The internet has been a great help in my transition. It showed me what I need to do in order to transition and experiences from others, that were further in the process, have been of much value. In general, contact with other transgendered people learned me that I'm not alone and, except for this one thing, we're just people like everyone else. I'm still learning, but I also hope I can help people that are full of questions like I was a few years ago.
yes, definitely not alone
For me, My wife told me. we'd been physically separated for just under a year (my job was not where we wanted to raise the kids), when she had to have surgery. I went up to take care of them and Bonnie actually told me she thought I was trans. She didn't know where on the spectrum, but suggested I look into it. She had asked me one time when we were dating, a little over three years prior, if I thought I should be female, but I, of course, vehemently denied it. That got me started into really exploring myself. I had been hospitalized twice in three months in the mental ward just a little over a year after we got married. I now think it was because with Bonnie, I was actually free to be myself, and I didn't know how to cope with that, having repressed everything so much growing up.
When I started looking back, it seemed to be staring me right in the face. When I was little, I'd lie in be, "trying" to fall asleep, and I'd pretend that I had been in a coma for whatever reason, and would wake up as girl. In kindergarten, I played with blocks with some of the boys, but I would want to play house with the girls more. I got caught in fifth grade playing with barbie dolls when I was at a friend of my brother's house, that belonged to her younger sister.
I swiped some of my mother's underwear and some older clothes that wouldn't fit her anymore and started dressing. I have no idea what age. I purged more than once and was found out more than once. I actually wore pantyhose with panties to church under my dress clothes one day (I think I was about 12). My panties were outside the hose, because that's how I thought it was supposed to go. I wore panties to school in middle school on some days, just not ones with gym. There was a dress-up box at my grandparent's house for all the grandkids. At the time, it was 3 boys and 1 girl. My favorite outfit was the majorette/cheerleader costume. I actually bought my first pair of panties at 14 when I was on vacation with my uncle at the beach. He was napping and I walked to the Walmart next to our hotel (that uncle is one of my biggest supporters). When I met Bonnie, I actually had more panties than she did!
In high school, I identified better with and just wanted to hang out with the girls. But it never really happened. Then I did an uber masculine thing. I joined the USMC. I think that was one way of trying to prove my masculinity to myself, and in the end, it failed, which, all things considered, is not a bad thing,
Once I started looking at everything, I realized I wasn't just a crossdresser, but that I actually am transgendered/transexual. Unfortunately, Bonnie is not staying married to me. We are in the process of getting a divorce. But it's not from lack of love. She really wants a masculine partner, and I'm just not it. We both thought I was when we married, but found out looks can be deceiving. Bonnie is still my best friend and is right beside me. I'm still struggling with bringing this to the kids, especially as I don't really get to see them (stupid job....).
That's pretty much my story. I'm still pre hrt, and am still presenting as male, even though I'm out to a few people.
And this is more than I've told just about anyone. I'm one heckuva introvert.
good luck and best wishes I know the introverted thing well and every thing else
I've always known I was a girl from my first memory up until this day. Most of you who've been here a while know my story so I won't repeat it here. I'm just very happy I'm finally transitioning and want to express my thanks to all of you lovely ladies (and a few gents) here on Susan's for without you, I'd have no support system especially now that my SO and I have broke up.
Love and hugs to you all! :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
I've been through a lot to get to the happy place I'm in right now -not very much of it pleasant. Many of my posts describing some or all of it aren't for the faint of heart. But I wouldn't be here without all of you. You too Stephanie. I remember reading your posts since I first became a member here.
Best wishes to all of you! :icon_bunch:
Ally :icon_flower:
Oh boy where do I start? Hmm kay well It all started when I was a wee little thing I kept on having this feeling that I was never quite well.. Me. For some reason I was jealous of other girls I met, knew or saw ( this is at a later stage ) I secretly did put on my mum dress once and back then I was seven or eight and it looked really huge on me and I kept on tripping over myself as the dress was dragging underneath me. So one day I got caught putting on a bra ( okay you may laugh now ) and my mum caught me and she slapped my hand and said that it was rude and silly to so that. Soon I asked my mum, 'mummy how does it feel like having those balloons under your clothes?' I always wondered why only girls had them and I wanted them too. So my mum told me what they were and what it was used for. So I went ooooooh ( I didnt understand a thing )
A year or so down the line I was pressured by a feeling I reffered to as "knives in my tummy" whenever I saw a girl... So every evening after playing in the yard Id go to the bathroom and make myself a bubble bath and id just lather my whole body with soap and for some reason I felt like a girl Im not sure why but It made me feel better. Eventually I had to rinse off the soap and dry myself. So I did this everyday for a few months or so and at one point made my disphoria even worse. So I forced myself to stop it. Some time later I came out ( at a young age too im not mentioning it ) and my mum said she was expecting it sponer or later as one day she did peek on me in the bathroom talking all girly and covered in soap. My dad however wasn't so accepting about it.
And on after the sad parts and more sad parts I started HRT ( again Im not mentioning the year for some reason this is all private to me and I feel bad talking about it as it was one of the most horrible times in my life ) I started seeing the girl I always was in the mirror bit by bit. Now I was born fair skinned but fot dark i mean really dark as I spent a whole lot of time in the sun due to sports. But after going on HRT I stopped my sports and was indoors most of te time and started getting fairer again. A few of you should know how dark I was back when I was a guy I sent you pics in a PM If I wasnt mistaken.
( now dont go asking me for that picture ill be embarrased to show it, id only show it to those I truly trust )
Soon I had FFS & SRS ( once again not mentioning dates ) and my dream of becoming a girl was becoming a reality now all that was left was to officially change my name. It was Ethan before just so you know but since on HRT I chose the name Evelyn. Now I was minor when getting surgeries done and it took a whole lot and I mean a whole fricken lot of letters and really good lawyers to help my mum fight for my rights and what I wanted, after a whole year and a half I was allowed to change my name ofiicially and Live as a girl without having anymore fears.
Now Im am probably the happiest girl on the face of the earth and I will forever be grateful to my supporting parents. Oh also I forgot to mention, Me and my dad patched things up really well and he loves me more now ( well sometimes a little too over protective... Okay a lot protective XD ) one of the joys of being me I guess. But when I look back from where I started off from? Boy.... It was sure worth it.
P.S I have a whooooole lot of more to talk about but it would be too much to read XD so if any of you girls wanna know more just PM me and ill be more than happy to tell you my life story.
P.S.S I have been planning to make a timeline of my transition but to go thru my pictures when I was a guy is just too nervewracking and did bring back a few bad moments, my mum is going to help me out with it but dont expect anything just yet its going to take a reaally long time for that timeline. Slowly but surely ill get it done tho.
Quote from: Allyda on June 23, 2014, 11:10:21 PM
I've always known I was a girl from my first memory up until this day. Most of you who've been here a while know my story so I won't repeat it here. I'm just very happy I'm finally transitioning and want to express my thanks to all of you lovely ladies (and a few gents) here on Susan's for without you, I'd have no support system especially now that my SO and I have broke up.
Love and hugs to you all! :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
I've been through a lot to get to the happy place I'm in right now -not very much of it pleasant. Many of my posts describing some or all of it aren't for the faint of heart. But I wouldn't be here without all of you. You too Stephanie. I remember reading your posts since I first became a member here.
Best wishes to all of you! :icon_bunch:
Ally :icon_flower:
thanks for the kind words. I remember your story well when you first came on board.
Quote from: stephaniec on June 24, 2014, 10:45:15 AM
thanks for the kind words. I remember your story well when you first came on board.
I figured you would. In my earliest posts I never mentioned my being intersexed because I was afraid of most girls seeing me as different. But as time passed and I learned about Jill, Miranda, and a few others I felt more comfortable in letting that part out. But I really went through some dark times before getting here, where I am now, and I'm finally happy again for the first time in my life since before I lost my biological Mom at age 6. I'm just very thankful you've all welcomed me into this wonderful family here on Susan's.
Ally :icon_flower:
Quote from: ~Evelyn~ on June 24, 2014, 04:13:58 AM
Oh boy where do I start? Hmm kay well It all started when I was a wee little thing I kept on having this feeling that I was never quite well.. Me. For some reason I was jealous of other girls I met, knew or saw ( this is at a later stage ) I secretly did put on my mum dress once and back then I was seven or eight and it looked really huge on me and I kept on tripping over myself as the dress was dragging underneath me. So one day I got caught putting on a bra ( okay you may laugh now ) and my mum caught me and she slapped my hand and said that it was rude and silly to so that. Soon I asked my mum, 'mummy how does it feel like having those balloons under your clothes?' I always wondered why only girls had them and I wanted them too. So my mum told me what they were and what it was used for. So I went ooooooh ( I didnt understand a thing )
A year or so down the line I was pressured by a feeling I reffered to as "knives in my tummy" whenever I saw a girl... So every evening after playing in the yard Id go to the bathroom and make myself a bubble bath and id just lather my whole body with soap and for some reason I felt like a girl Im not sure why but It made me feel better. Eventually I had to rinse off the soap and dry myself. So I did this everyday for a few months or so and at one point made my disphoria even worse. So I forced myself to stop it. Some time later I came out ( at a young age too im not mentioning it ) and my mum said she was expecting it sponer or later as one day she did peek on me in the bathroom talking all girly and covered in soap. My dad however wasn't so accepting about it.
And on after the sad parts and more sad parts I started HRT ( again Im not mentioning the year for some reason this is all private to me and I feel bad talking about it as it was one of the most horrible times in my life ) I started seeing the girl I always was in the mirror bit by bit. Now I was born fair skinned but fot dark i mean really dark as I spent a whole lot of time in the sun due to sports. But after going on HRT I stopped my sports and was indoors most of te time and started getting fairer again. A few of you should know how dark I was back when I was a guy I sent you pics in a PM If I wasnt mistaken.
( now dont go asking me for that picture ill be embarrased to show it, id only show it to those I truly trust )
Soon I had FFS & SRS ( once again not mentioning dates ) and my dream of becoming a girl was becoming a reality now all that was left was to officially change my name. It was Ethan before just so you know but since on HRT I chose the name Evelyn. Now I was minor when getting surgeries done and it took a whole lot and I mean a whole fricken lot of letters and really good lawyers to help my mum fight for my rights and what I wanted, after a whole year and a half I was allowed to change my name ofiicially and Live as a girl without having anymore fears.
Now Im am probably the happiest girl on the face of the earth and I will forever be grateful to my supporting parents. Oh also I forgot to mention, Me and my dad patched things up really well and he loves me more now ( well sometimes a little too over protective... Okay a lot protective XD ) one of the joys of being me I guess. But when I look back from where I started off from? Boy.... It was sure worth it.
P.S I have a whooooole lot of more to talk about but it would be too much to read XD so if any of you girls wanna know more just PM me and ill be more than happy to tell you my life story.
P.S.S I have been planning to make a timeline of my transition but to go thru my pictures when I was a guy is just too nervewracking and did bring back a few bad moments, my mum is going to help me out with it but dont expect anything just yet its going to take a reaally long time for that timeline. Slowly but surely ill get it done tho.
that's a great accomplishment and good your parents cared about you.
Honestly I am not sure when I knew I was trans. I know that I was dressing up in girls clothing as a teen but I don't remember exactly when that started. Off and on since then I dressed in secret and mainly had no idea why I wanted to other then for the sexual stimulation. Slowly I discovered the internet and back then the internet was AOL. That's when I started spending a lot of time in their chat rooms pretending to be a girl. I still had no idea why I was doing it other then it turned me on. The fact that I couldn't get the same stimulation from being a guy in a chat room probably should have been a clue I guess.
Anyway I had always been a gamer so when I found certain social games I began exploring in the virtual world as a girl. Even then I still had no idea I was trans or even what trans really was. I bounced from game to game and finally found Secondlife. I tried playing as a male there but I never enjoyed it like I did playing a female. some 6 years later I am still playing Secondlife and have met a few other trans people there. Talking with the trans folk I met in game is what started me thinking I might be trans myself. At that point I knew what trans was but thought it meant only someone who hated their genitals and were constantly on the verge of Suicide.
My personal experience is I don't hate my genitals I just wish they looked different and have never seriously considered suicide so it took me a bit longer to realize that it's different for everyone. I realized I wanted to be a girl only a year or so ago even though I had spent a lot of time laying in bed praying or wishing I'd wake up one. I guess I am just slow or something. At this point I think the evidence is over whelming. If given the choice I'd dress as a girl all the time, I love makeup and clothes, my taste in music is much more female then male, and I would kill for an hour glass figure and boobs of my own.
Sadly I'm 32, bulky, hairy, and balding so I'll never get to be the girl I want to be. My finical and living situation also prevents me from transitioning and that is something that isn't going to change as far as I can see. I really am thankfully for secondlife at this point for the chance to at least be a girl there. I wish life were different but at least I am not the suicidal type. I don't like that I am stuck as a male with no real life support or people to talk to but I can deal with it.
Anyway that's my story if it helps anyone or whatever. Sorry I got a bit off track at the end.
I was raised in a very strict authoritarian home and was part of a very strict authoritarian religion so the thought of being anything other than what I was never occurred to me.
Still to this day my brother, who I no longer associate with, always told me once we'd grown up that I'd, "...always been soft." Although he meant it as an insult it's a glimpes into how I was as a child and young adult. I've never been a guy, guy or a man's man and never felt the need to be.
Looking back the first dysphoric memory I have is when I was 11 or 12. My mother, sisters and some of their friends were all sitting around sharing and comparing make up and I remember feeling this wonderful rush go through me as I looked at all the "pretty" things they had laid out.
I remeber saying how I envied them for having so many nice things they could do for themselves. My mother immediately responded with, "Don't ever let me hear you say something like that again." At the time I didn't know why she would react that way but that was that.
Fast forward to April 2000. I'd been married for about 8 years and finally discovered personal development. (self help) I dove in head first as I could no longer tolerate my level of dysfunction as a person and the disconnect from myself.
As time went on I continued to "deprogram" myself from the indoctrination from family, religion and society and as I did my sexuality changed from heterosexuality (supposedly) to pansexuality.
I began to get in touch naturally with my "feminine side" which grew to the realization that I had a very large part of me that was feminine that I needed to embrace and express.
The perfect outlet for me was in the MMORPG's I was playing. I made my first female character and loved playing her. She had a beautiful name and I dressed her in beautiful costumes. I even had one player tell me that he knew I was female because, "...male players don't dress their characters like that." That felt "so" good to hear. (Sigh...memories. :)) I still play a game currently where most of my characters are female.
Fast forward to spring 2012 when I had a very intimate fling with a MtF woman who has since become a good friend of mine. I always admired and loved her courage to move through life "knowing" who she was and engaging life fully. What I didn't realize at the time was that I was projecting on to her and she was mirroring back to me what hadn't become conscious within me yet.
Recently I entered a wonderful phase where I've achieved a deep inner peace with my past and myself as a person. It was right after this time that the realization that I'm female became conscious. I guess that acceptance of myself was what I needed.
It was an extremely emotional moment as I experienced so many different things on so many different levels such as happiness, grief, fear, the feeling of coming home, relief and the despair of being even more different than I already was just to name a few. I wound up crying myself to sleep that night.
The nice thing about the way the realization came about is although I'm not comfortable in my body I don't hate it or hate myself for being male and for me that's very important.
I'm so glad I've found Susan's and could share this with everyone.
Hugs! :)
Angelia
I don't know, life just sort of kept pushing me that way. My body just happened to be basically female and I liked guys and always ended up in like a girl social role, I couldn't pass as an adult and often was gendered female. It just happened. I just thought I'd be better off as a girl. I probably was and am, but it's hard also dealing with mental illness and not having dysphoria to make me feel motivated or something.
Sorry if my story wasn't what u wanted though since I don't ID as trans, just mostly as a boy who changed my presentation
Quote from: Allyda on June 24, 2014, 02:40:03 PM
I figured you would. In my earliest posts I never mentioned my being intersexed because I was afraid of most girls seeing me as different. But as time passed and I learned about Jill, Miranda, and a few others I felt more comfortable in letting that part out. But I really went through some dark times before getting here, where I am now, and I'm finally happy again for the first time in my life since before I lost my biological Mom at age 6. I'm just very thankful you've all welcomed me into this wonderful family here on Susan's.
Ally :icon_flower:
I remember because my mother died when I was 8. also your Indian heritage struck me as fascinating.
Quote from: stephaniec on June 25, 2014, 01:49:53 PM
I remember because my mother died when I was 8. also your Indian heritage struck me as fascinating.
I'm happy you remember. Losing my Mom at age 6 was very hard on me. She never pushed gender issues because she knew about my intersexed condition at birth. It was getting adopted off the rez that threw my life in turmoil, and, even for the first year that wasn't so bad until my adopted Mom married the macho guy who became my adopted father very much against my wishes. I never cared for him when they were dating -him or his son, then after they married my adopted Mom turned into a very submissive woman letting him pretty much make all family decisions. Without too many more repeated ugly details, this is when I sank into and abyss of misery and my being forced into being something I was not.
I'm Chirkiawah Apache and am BIA registered. I'm just happy to have found this website, and more so now to be able to help some of the new girls coming aboard that are in need. And, unlike some, I'll still be around long after my SRS. I've found a wonderful community here, and expect to be around for a long while.
Best wishes Stephanie, and thanks for being there when I needed you. :icon_bunch:
Ally :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on June 25, 2014, 09:16:49 PM
I'm happy you remember. Losing my Mom at age 6 was very hard on me. She never pushed gender issues because she knew about my intersexed condition at birth. It was getting adopted off the rez that threw my life in turmoil, and, even for the first year that wasn't so bad until my adopted Mom married the macho guy who became my adopted father very much against my wishes. I never cared for him when they were dating -him or his son, then after they married my adopted Mom turned into a very submissive woman letting him pretty much make all family decisions. Without too many more repeated ugly details, this is when I sank into and abyss of misery and my being forced into being something I was not.
I'm Chirkiawah Apache and am BIA registered. I'm just happy to have found this website, and more so now to be able to help some of the new girls coming aboard that are in need. And, unlike some, I'll still be around long after my SRS. I've found a wonderful community here, and expect to be around for a long while.
Best wishes Stephanie, and thanks for being there when I needed you. :icon_bunch:
Ally :icon_flower:
I worked with a Chippewa Indian for a long time She gave me a kitchen table I've had for 10 years. we're good friends
Quote from: stephaniec on June 25, 2014, 09:32:52 PM
I worked with a Chippewa Indian for a long time She gave me a kitchen table I've had for 10 years. we're good friends
The Chippewa are good people and I'm very happy you got to know one of them and have her friendship. Well, now you have an Apache friend. Though, the name for our people Apache wasn't what we called ourselves. The word Apache was actually derrived my whites from a word in our Native Tongue called Apachu, which means: "The People." Among my people I'm known as being Chirkiawah. The word Apache during th 1800's was used by the whites and Mexicans to classify or define our separate bands into one tribe. For even though there were different bands, we lived together and shared our lives. We Apache were a migratory people, not warriors. We'd go south for the winters and north for the summers following the game. We didn't pick up arms against anyone until we were provoked first by Mexicans then later by whites. During a famous battle between the band Geronimo (that's also not his real name by the way) was originally born into where everyone was killed except him was where he got the name Geronimo, which is actually derrived from a Spanish word the Mexican soldiers yelled during a charge (I'm not sure of the exact word). He was young, a teenager, and was adopted into our Chirkiawah band. This isn't in the history books and isn't known by too many people other than historians outside the tribe.
I just thought you'd enjoy a little true history. I think I've derailed your thread enough Stephanie. We should get back on topic, lol!
Ally :icon_flower:
good to know. I'll get out before the mods show up
Quote from: stephaniec on June 25, 2014, 10:28:56 PM
good to know. I'll get out before the mods show up
Well, it's your thread Steph. I'm just trying to be respectful for others who may want to post to your original topic. I don't think you have to worry about that being it's your thread, lol!
I enjoyed your interest.
Ally :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on June 25, 2014, 10:43:51 PM
Well, it's your thread Steph. I'm just trying to be respectful for others who may want to post to your original topic. I don't think you have to worry about that being it's your thread, lol!
I enjoyed your interest.
Ally :icon_flower:
I've got another story about two Navajo Indians I met in Santa Fe some time.
Quote from: stephaniec on June 25, 2014, 10:51:03 PM
I've got another story about two Navajo Indians I met in Santa Fe some time.
I'd love to hear it. Pm me if you want.
Ally :icon_flower:
I've covered the incidents in the past a few times here so I won't bore you again,wanting to start school as a girl,taking old clothes from the stuff going to jumble sale,wanting to be the girl on the back of an older boy's BSA,hating boy's haircuts etc.
I was a few weeks past my 21 st birthday and was working on my Triumph,it was a very cold winter so cold I did 30 minutes on,15 minutes off.My Dad was complaining about the mess I'd made so I used old newspapers to stop oil getting on the garage floor.We didn't usually get a seedy newspaper but there was a special offer Mum wanted so it mean't buying a weeks worth.There was a transexual life story in it and when i read it it was like a bucket of icy water was thrown over me.The experiences were so similair that I was now able to join the dots and realise what made me different and this feeling was never going away wasn't a phase and one day I'd have to deal with it.
I wish I'd sought help but I was so sure I'd be an ugly,hairy monster I became a caricature of a man,bikes,muscle cars,booze,weed,speed,girls(and a few guys).In reality very few people were fooled.
I rely a lot on dictation as I have had strokes and seizures typing is hard but so many of your stories are so accurate if only we did not have the religious jerks perhaps it would have been easier for all of us
Sorry for spelling grammar
In childhood I was always more interested in playing with girls and my male friends sisters than with males. It was at the age of 8 that I became aware of the differences between male and female and began questioning why I was the way I was. I had never really fit in with my peers and for that reason stacked with fear of judgement from my family I had kept my feelings to myself. It had taken me the next four years to build up the courage to grow my hair long at the age of twelve. It was also at this point that I learned through the internet that other people felt the same way as I did and that I wasn't just crazy. I would cross dress throughout my teens when no one was home. Having been a competitive swimmer ages 7-19, once my manlihood started being more manly I began tucking it all back as best I could before races as there would just be so many people watching me and standing on a starting block in a speedo leaves little to the imagination. I was a bit of a late bloomer, and always the smallest in my grade, but when my body started developing the way it did in contrast to the females in my grade, it found myself anorexic ages 14-19 on top of being a competitive athlete. In high school I was a bit of an oddball. Most of my friends were female, but still afraid of judgement and so very content that I actually had friends I continued to keep my feelings to myself. I came out to a few close friends and my parents when I was 19. My mother, naturally worried about me, went to see our family doctor to educate herself and gain some piece of mind. I'm really thankful for this, as it was her speaking with out physician that got me lined up so see the one therapist in the province who deals with and specializes in trans patients. I had seen him when I was 21, however the way it worked out he retired before I could receive my letter for the endo. At this point they were unsure if he would be replaced as there was no one else in the practice. I became discouraged, gave away all my worldly belongings, became highly involved in political activism, and spent a little over a year travelling the country with my K9 companion. When I returned home I spent 9 months working and seeing the new gender therapist here. She hadn't specialized in gender therapy in the past but had stepped in when she was needed. I feel as though there is a lot she could be more knowledgeable about but I had a really great experience with her. It's unfortunate I stepped away when I did, but am incredibly grateful I took the time to find myself.
In retrospect I've known my entire life I was born a little girl and at the same time was young and confused and just wanted acceptance so I found it by being who the people around me wanted me to be.
When I was a child, I played with both boys and girls. I remember one time when I wanted to follow some girlfriends down into a finished basement to play that they didn't want me to follow because I was a boy and they were going to play with dolls or something. I felt rejected. Then later puberty kicked in and I learned what my sexual role was supposed to be. My gut reaction was horror and envy like I was cheated out of something. I felt like I was given the wrong gender. I envied girls. I was attracted to girls but I wanted to also be one of them. That feeling never went away. I went on to envy my girlfriends. I am okay as a guy but I am pretty sure I'd be happier as a woman.
I started stealing and wearing. my sisters clothes since I was like 5 (and I still do to this day, only I don't need to return them.) Around early middle school I started to gain the urge to be a girl, though I didn't think it possible, so I tried to live as a boy. Though I'm not sure if it contributes, I've always wanted long hair and I've always kept my nails long. I learned of srs around early high school, but all I knew is that it was expensive, so I never considered it. After I started to feel depressed in January of this year, Ruby, an online friend of mine, set me up to talk with one of hers, a girl named Blair. Blair was mtf and informed me on the basics and whatever else I asked about from then on. She became like a big sis to be. I also studied a lot on my own but mostly from youtube. I came out to my mom in April then my dad the next week, that period was pretty much hell, my sister found out next week, she was cool though. The week after that I read a letter I named "My Final Effort" to my mom and it helped to understand. Currently I'm in the therapy stage, but I'll hopefully be starting hrt soon.