I'm curious if there is anyone in your life that will never know. I'm not talking like starting a new job as your preferred gender with a new name. I mean someone that you can say "I wish I could tell you about this really important thing in my life, but I can't ."
Mine is my one grandmother. She is not in great health anymore, and she is quite up there in age. My parents agree that we won't tell her unless it becomes impossible for me to hide it. (I have a trans friend mtf who can still appear male even after a year of hrt. She has shown me some ways to hide it). I think my grandmother would either be too confused or get too upset about it.
It has to be like your example tailored to each persons level. I personally told my whole family then came out on my male FB page inviting supporters to go to my new female page. I then closed the male page out. :)
I have one friend who I have known for a very long time. He is gay, but very transphobic. To the point of saying "I hate trans people". I know I'll lose him eventually, but I'm not ready just yet.
I have some old academic mentors that I will never tell. It breaks my heart to think about letting them down, and it doesn't matter, so they'll just not hear from me again.
We weren't going to tell my 92 yr old mother in law. She found out and said to me 'as long as you look after my daughter I have no problems with you living your life as Cindy'. That was about 3 years ago, she never misses a pronoun or forgets my name.
She is a wonderful lady.
That ship done sailed. I just assume everyone knows by now. If they have a problem, well, it's all theirs. Not giving a sh*t anymore about what anyone thinks is very liberating.
My mother told me that I had relatives that I probably shouldn't ever tell, so I just told my gossipy cousin and let her take care of that one for me. So I ended up losing an ignoranus of a drunkle. He's an idiot anyway and can just go chase cheap ass whiskey with even cheaper ass whiskey for all I care.
I won't be telling my mother any time soon that I am non binary, specifically MTA/Q. The reason is that she suffered for most of her life with severe post natal depression which started when I was born. There were a lot of factors which caused her significant stress during her pregnancy. If the science is right then this most likely caused the misgendering of my brain in utero. I love her too much to add another issue and cause her further guilt and depression as she has only become free of chronic depression in the last decade.
I might feel differently if I was intending to pursue a binary transition.
I sometimes wrestle with this issue as I would like to have a completely authentic relationship and understanding with my mother, and I have come close to telling her a number of times, but my sense is that the distress that this would cause her would far outweigh my unburdening myself.
Aisla
I didn't know what to do about my grandmother either as she has the same issues.
However when I brought it up to my gender therapist, she said she would be VERY surprised if my gma would have a problem w/ it. She said she has never once heard of an unsupportive grandparent. I didn't believe her at the time, but did set out to tell my grandmother anyway.
Turns out my grandmother has been one of the most immediately supportive people in my family. Kind of nuts.
Maybe the same will hold true for you, too, in time :)
Not telling my grandma. She abused the hell out of me for years, is still terribly abusive, says I look like a dyke with my new haircut (she doesn't mean it as a compliment but I take it as one), doesn't believe that I have suffered from ADHD and depression my entire life, and uses language like the T-word.
I also might not come out fully to my mother. She has schizophrenia and severe major depression, so I don't know whether she could handle such a big disclosure. But I am teaching her about queer people and what it means to not identify with binary gender, so that is good.
Everyone else in the world can know whatever. I am so over hiding myself from people. It was multiplying my anxiety and depression a thousandfold.
I had considered telling my mother, but even though now I would like to, I can't seeing as she passed away earlier this year. She was only 53 so, best to tell people sooner than later if you are uncertain because we don't really know how long someone is going to live.
I have told everyone close to me, before I go full time I am going to make a new Facebook and make an announcement on my old one... But, I will be purging my Facebook before I do this of people who it just isn't worth the effort to deal with or are no longer relevant to my life in any way (like people who were friends with my wife but not me). I know I am going to have to explain it like ten million times so better to just rid myself of those who aren't worth it before having to deal with coming out to them .
I won't be telling my father. I don't speak to him, haven't really since what '98 '99 (still have to see him work that one out folks). The problem comes in when I tell family, one of the arguments thrown at me is
"Your doing this just to get back at him" or
"Do you hate your father that much".
No I'm doing this because I am now on the way to happiness and I need to it is right for me (sorry for the slight derail)
Quote from: Jennygirl on June 28, 2014, 04:42:57 AM
I didn't know what to do about my grandmother either as she has the same issues.
However when I brought it up to my gender therapist, she said she would be VERY surprised if my gma would have a problem w/ it. She said she has never once heard of an unsupportive grandparent. I didn't believe her at the time, but did set out to tell my grandmother anyway.
Turns out my grandmother has been one of the most immediately supportive people in my family. Kind of nuts.
Maybe the same will hold true for you, too, in time :)
I was sure that my grand parents would hate the idea, especially after I had been disowned by my parents and brother and the damage it has done to my relationship with my sister. Turns out they are the probably the most supportive people in the family. My gran has complimented me many times and has been awesome about everything. :-)
My extended family in South America. Once I start transitioning, I can never see them again or even go back to my country to visit them which is fine since we aren't close. Not sure how changing my gender marker and name will happen since my birth certificate is over there and my mom says they don't allow that.
I initially intended not to tell my grandparents, for the same reason - they're very elderly, in frail health, and old-fashioned. My mother told me (they're her parents) that "it would kill them, maybe literally." My sister apparently got pissed off at my mother and told them FOR me!
I was kind of annoyed at the time, since the decision was taken out of my hands, but they've been fantastic. :) As supportive and loving as ever, and they not only get pronouns and name right, my grandmother switched right away to calling me "dear" and my grandfather started hugging instead of a handshake, which is their big "thing" for women vs. men. (Heck, they've been better about pronouns than my parents!)
My ex-wife.
Sadly, I knew that she would never accompany me on any meaningful personal journey - she was much too comfortable with her own life to consider compromising on it for her then-husband. I have no intention tof telling her, but if she finds out, so be it, and I really don't care what she thinks!
My grandfather on my mom's side of the family. Sadly he passed away a little over a month ago now so the decision is out of my hands.
In retrospect I don't think I gave him enough credit in this and I really don't think the problem was with him so much as me. He was such a father figure to me early in my life, my mom was divorced and worked a LOT to make ends meet and my sister and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents as a result. I was so afraid of disappointing him and knowing him and the man he was I think he would have loved me just the same. It probably would have been weird for him but I think he would have wanted me to be myself and happy.
When I begin my transition, I'm going to tell everyone except random strangers. You will accept me as a girl or I won't having anything to do with you. I'm hoping I don't lose my 2 sisters that dint know yet. Its going to be worse with one than the other, yet both are going to have a hard time with it. Fortunately with my other sister she accepted it so readily, I was shocked. No hesitation at all on her part. I can't even imagine what will happen with my 2 remaining grandparents. Seeing as how I rarely see them any more, I may not tell them. Ironically I think they might be more accepting than my 2 remaining sisters. My grandpa used to be a pastor and worked with people most Christians would have done anything in their power to avoid. So who knows.
Honestly, I don't think I'll tell my grandmother, but she isn't dumb. Old age hasn't done anything to her mind. I'm sure she'll take notice at some things, like when my hair starts growing out. It'll only be a matter of time before she asks me what's going on.
Quote from: ChelseaAnn on July 02, 2014, 03:39:40 PM
Honestly, I don't think I'll tell my grandmother, but she isn't dumb. Old age hasn't done anything to her mind. I'm sure she'll take notice at some things, like when my hair starts growing out. It'll only be a matter of time before she asks me what's going on.
Yep, pretty much the same boat here. My grandma is sharp as a tack, and it's looking more and more like I will be living with her while transitioning. Still, I'm going to do whatever I can to not engage with her on the subject.
There's no one that I've not told or didn't want to know. I have no shame in who I am at all. Now there had been people who others didn't want to tell, and that sort of irked me because I knew that sooner or later they would know .I felt that that would have been unfair to them. One person was my Aunt, who is in an assisted living facility. She's all there most of the time, but sometimes not to lucid (84 years old). We live about 1000 miles apart, but I do see her a couple of times a year. As luck will have it, I'm moving back there shortly. Other family thought it would be too much for her, but she was actually fine. Now one person I wish I could have told, but can't, is my Father. He died many years ago. I think he'd be fine with all of this too.
I have three pretty close male friends. One knew me before, the other is a trans friend I met at a support group, and the third is a gay man I met after I was being read as male everywhere. I have been friends with the gay man for about five years, and I just can't tell him. It's so nice to be seen as a regular gay man. I've been on the outside looking in since college. Read gay books, went to gay movies, hung out in the gay part of town, had a male partner who knew I identified as a gay man...I'm like other gay men in so many ways. I fit in perfectly. I don't want to give up my "cover" after feeling like a freak for so long. Just can't do it.
Quote from: Felix on June 28, 2014, 02:27:59 AM
I have some old academic mentors that I will never tell. It breaks my heart to think about letting them down, and it doesn't matter, so they'll just not hear from me again.
This resonated with me in a big way. Some professors really took me under their wings and had big hopes for me. I can't imagine how much of a let down I must be for many of them if they were to see me today.
My brother, he's sort of what I like to call my closest strangers. I decided to just let him find out on his own.
I'm not telling my brother. He hates me and wants nothing to do with me anyways. Sadly, I think he will be the most "supportive" in my family because he just doesn't care about me.
I will not be telling my grandma. I don't see the point in doing so since we rarely talk.
I won't be telling my grandpa since he's dead. I was actually close to him, so I wonder how he would have reacted.
I won't be telling the members at my church. They don't need to know and I'm sure they will find out eventually. Until then, I don't need the extra drama that telling them would bring me.
I think most of my undergrad recommenders were clued in. One is on the trans spectrum and knew I was, too. I wrote about trans issues for a couple of my profs. And one gentleman asked me which pronoun I wanted him to use in his letter. I wasn't expecting that question and was deeply touched. He was a sweet man (and I hope he still is).
I suppose it helped that I was pretty butch in appearance and had already changed my name.
I don't expect to have further contact with any of these folks, but now I'm wondering whether I should. I mean, later, when I have the psychological energy for reaching out in that way.
Still considering if I will go out of my way to tell any relatives. All of mine are in New Zealand and we have very little contact. Parents have both passed, no grandparents. My parents would have been a huge issue and there wouldn't have been any doubt that they would have hated this. I have no relatives in Australia so geography is helping a bit. Friends? So few it isn't an issue either. My wife can decide which of her relatives and friends are told.
I do have to consider who I tell professionally rather than waiting for the grapevine to kick in. Melbourne and Sydney are a very small world in my profession so I expect it to get around as soon as my workmates are informed. Hopefully I will be out of the country when that happens. If those I work with and respect are told, the rest can gossip!
I haven't told my grandmother yet. She's 93 and her mind is starting to go. I am beginning to feel like I should find a way though so I don't have to keep up the facade when I'm around her...
I have no intention of telling my dad. We have a strained relationship as it is (if it could even be called that) and I know he wouldn't handle it very well. I'm also even more leery of telling others right now because I told someone I thought would be supportive and they were far from it. The people that truly matter already know.
SC, you just reminded me...I have a letter for my father that I'm working on and need to send on Monday. I almost forgot. I have to revise the crap out of it. Ick.
Well, he knows, but my mother doesn't. I would have preferred to come out to both of them in my own time, but he preempted me, and now it's up to him to tell her. I don't care about her, but I feel unfinished and in limbo because she doesn't know. I think she would make life hell for him if he did tell her.
So I guess there's another person I can't tell.
Quote from: Arch on July 06, 2014, 02:39:24 AM
SC, you just reminded me...I have a letter for my father that I'm working on and need to send on Monday. I almost forgot. I have to revise the crap out of it. Ick.
Well, he knows, but my mother doesn't. I would have preferred to come out to both of them in my own time, but he preempted me, and now it's up to him to tell her. I don't care about her, but I feel unfinished and in limbo because she doesn't know. I think she would make life hell for him if he did tell her.
So I guess there's another person I can't tell.
Are you writing the letter to explain everything or is it that you're writing the letter so he has something to talk to your mom with? Sorry he found out and threw your plans for a loop. I know how you feel about the limbo thing. I felt that way with not letting my in-laws in on what I had figured out about myself and its truly something that weighs on you till you get it off your chest. I hope everything goes well when/if he does tel her.
I didn't have to come out to him; I could have just ignored the PI he hired. And then I didn't come out for almost a year. But I had been mulling over the idea of getting in contact again, except not so soon! I knew that if I suddenly turned up after all these years, I would need to come out to both of them. And then he hired someone to find me, and all of my half-baked musings (not plans) came to nought.
He had apparently been looking for me for years, so I figured that I had better write back because he might keep on pressing me. So I did feel pressured at the time. And I still don't know what the hell I want out of the relationship. I thought I was done with him, but I really don't know my own mind on this matter.
"Murphy, I'm a mess." Haha.
I'm expecting my entire dad's side of the family to be extremely judgemental, due to living in South America, being extremely conservative and a lot of them being rich and snooty ... so I consider avoiding telling any of them.
as it is though, I probably will have to tell my dad at some point, even though I'm sure he'll disown me since he's extremely sexist. Not looking forward to that, not to mention probably not being able to go back to my home country at all since I only do so to visit him.
Well i'm dreading telling my Mom and my 86 yr. old Grandma w/ alzheimer's bout who i am and who i want to be. I have told several of my new friends and they r very supportive of me and matter of fact i just went to meet a friend who knows bout me. I really figured a few would hate or de-friend me when i told them bout me, boy was i shocked they said no friends dont leave friends hanging. Not sure if i'm scared of the rejection i might get from real family or if i'm just not ready to come out fully to them. The friends who know r more like my extended family i call them my Sisters, and those that know r closest to me in the circle of friends.
The only people I came out to were my family - mom, stepdad, older brother, younger brother, older sister, and younger sister. Other then that I haven't told my dad, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmother, or anyone else. My grandma lives far away and is not from the U.S. and both my granddad died long ago. As for my the people I have not told I haven't told them because I just don't care anymore.
The reaction I got from them was neutral, does not understand me, and so forth. Although when I made changes to myself - I went pretty slow for yr. plus (baby steps for them) - they react negatively. My therapist who knows a gender therapist was completely useless. ran out of money to see him. and now am stuck like before, only with the exception that my family now knows about me. I hate my therapist.
Well anyway, the outlook I have on coming out to people is that I just don't care anymore. I will no longer make an effort to come out to people anymore or say anything. Instead am going to focus on being myself and if people look shock well that's their problem. I tire of my family teaching my younger sibling that people like me are disgusting or people always putting me on the spot. That makes me very mad.
From now on, am my own therapist until I can find someone that actually has past experiences with transsexuals. But that won't be for many years because I need to go to college to get a job and pay to see a professional gender therapist. Degrees are needed for entry level jobs. crazy huh.
I not going to tell no one nothing. Am just going to be myself. If they asks questions. all am going to say is "this is me and this is who I am" nothing else. not going to answer any questions.
SORRY FOR THE LONG ANSWER.
Quite a few people, actually! My main person for not telling... even though I know eventually I should, is my father. I think that his reaction would be scary and honestly I'd just like to make sure that my partner and I are far, far away. He's never been violent towards me or Handy, but I've kinda always had the fear in the back of my mind. He's basically a gun toting redneck who reacts very negatively towards anything lgbt related. We've never necessarily discussed trans issues, but I'm not eager to do so. I know before my SO came out, he thought she was gay and basically told me (in front of her) that gays are solely responsible for the moral degredation of society... and then proceeded to say he couldn't talk about it (as he nudged his head towards my partner). We hardly have a relationship, anyways, so I guess it's not much of a loss...
I think mostly we just plan on writing out the people who we can't tell. My gfs paternal side of the family is out, for sure, I don't even think they need the benefit of the doubt. They are fanatical christians... ya know, the kind who think harry potter and pokemon are demonic and gays can be cured. Well, even if they do find out, we don't plan on seeing their unpleasantness ever again. Her maternal grandparents are just so old, I honestly don't even think they would notice if she showed up presenting as female. So that is not really a concern, even though we won't tell her. She's been a bit dementia-ey lately (sad, I know) so I just don't think it is a problem. Her husband (my gf's step grandpa) is much more alert, but he is turning 90 soon, so who knows how much longer he'll be with us. Other than these few, we are pretty indifferent to who knows.
For right now I've only told people that I was positive would support me, because I manage to stay fairly happy and I don't want to lose that. The only person I haven't told yet that I plan to is my paternal grandmother because while she can be nasty sometimes, she's a good person underneath it and treats people equally regardless of gender, sexuality, race, religion, etc. Definitely not telling my maternal grandparents- people like them are why I was too scared to transition for years.
I'm going to blanket any remaining people that don't know with Facebook pretty soon. I'm giving one of my sisters a little more time to process it before her kids find out. They don't live with her anymore, but she doesn't want them to know. I'm sorry but ultimately you can shelter your kids when your behavior is exactly why they left in the first place. In about 3 weeks it will be public and she can't shelter her kids from that as they are both on Facebook.