Sorry if this was the wrong place to stick this. I considered it putting in in the MtF forum area, but then though it wasn't limited to just transwomen, so I stuck it in the next closest category. Move if needed.
Today, SRS has played on my mind a lot. I was doing a lot of cleaning at work, so I had long periods of solitude. On the whole, I believe I want to get SRS. It'll be at least 10+ years before I believe I'd even come close to affording it, plus being in a professional environment that shouldn't be transphobic (I plan to open either my own trans therapy clinic or go into a preexisting one). However, part of me has been doing the 'cost-benefit' analysis in my head.
A lot of my dysphoria is social. I do from time to time either enjoy my 'stuff' or down right hate it; 99% of the time I just don't really pay attention/care about. I think I would really enjoy having a vagina, but sometimes I worry that I could have regret (I have long standing commitment issues, so perhaps that is the root of these feelings). In my state, I do not have to get SRS to change my gender markers. However, in my birth state, you have to get SRS in order to have an updated birth certificate. With this in mind, I would hate to be in a situation where I have to present my birth certificate and then have to explain my transness; I just don't wanna deal with that.
So, even though I don't have over whelming body dysphoria (it does exist though), I'm wondering if SRS is the way for complete social integration. Thoughts and suggestions welcomed.
For some of us who very strongly need to be whole both inside and out like myself, SRS is a mandatory element of our transition. But for some who don't have the strong genital dysphoria I have, they can be happy with just hrt, and FFS, also VFS if needed because they aren't thoroughly repulsed by what is between their legs like I am. I can't stand to even touch the vile thing let alone have any kind of an intimate relationship with anyone until I have a vagina. A lot depends on your level of dysphoria, how you see yourself, knowing who you are, and what you need to accomplish from transition to be happy.
Hope it helps some.
Best wishes! :icon_bunch:
Ally :icon_flower:
I wouldn't do SRS for social reasons. No one will knew what's between your legs unless you tell them.
SRS is about your relationship with your body. I never had body dysphoria at all, but I did get a sense that my body was the wrong shape. That was enough for me to go ahead with SRS.
Quote from: suzifrommd on July 06, 2014, 12:33:37 PM
I wouldn't do SRS for social reasons. No one will knew what's between your legs unless you tell them.
SRS is about your relationship with your body. I never had body dysphoria at all, but I did get a sense that my body was the wrong shape. That was enough for me to go ahead with SRS.
I have to have SRS, without it, life isn't worth living despite how far I've come. I can't stand to even touch the thing! When I go to the bathroom and sit down to pee I can't look down. If I do I'll lose my stomach, and that's putting it nicely. Also lately it's been getting worse. I feel it's a good thing for me I'm having my SRS this December. I finally see an end to abnormality after soooo long it's hard to think about it. I'll finally be completely whole and healed after all these years living in between genders.
Ally :icon_flower:
Alldya I think I feel where you are coming from, I myself was in that boat a lil over a year ago. I had socially transitioned long ago, and had complet
completely integrated but something held me off of srs, for a lil bit then it just hit hit me and I said enough is enough, I was tired of battling all the time the dysphoria, the not feeling normal, the not feeling complete, it just finally came to a either I got srs or I got dead. It was that serious, in the end I got srs, and now my mind is at piece I no longer have to do that daily battle, now it's other thing, but in the end I can say I got 99 problems but my gender isn't one.
Some don't need srs to feel fine, and there isnt anything wrong with that, but I will say thoroughly weigh your choice, as if you don't need to have surgery than you probably shouldn't get surgery, at least yet. But just because you decide against it now doesn't mean you can't have it later, something to remember here.
I hope this helps.
Quote from: calico on July 07, 2014, 12:40:15 AM
Alldya I think I feel where you are coming from, I myself was in that boat a lil over a year ago. I had socially transitioned long ago, and had complet
completely integrated but something held me off of srs, for a lil bit then it just hit hit me and I said enough is enough, I was tired of battling all the time the dysphoria, the not feeling normal, the not feeling complete, it just finally came to a either I got srs or I got dead. It was that serious, in the end I got srs, and now my mind is at piece I no longer have to do that daily battle, now it's other thing, but in the end I can say I got 99 problems but my gender isn't one.
Some don't need srs to feel fine, and there isnt anything wrong with that, but I will say thoroughly weigh your choice, as if you don't need to have surgery than you probably shouldn't get surgery, at least yet. But just because you decide against it now doesn't mean you can't have it later, something to remember here.
I hope this helps.
Thanks Calico, it helps knowing there are those out there who know how I feel. I don't know if you know, but I'm also intersexed, and what male genitals I have are abnormal along with my being xxy. So I truly have lived my entire life in between genders though I highly favor the feminine physically and my hrt has only enhanced that.
Regarding the surgery, despite how I look I'm 49. I need to be whole while I can still look good. 49 years of going through what I have is well over long enough waiting. For sooooo long SRS and being whole only felt like an unattainable dream. Now, I finally have a wonderful Endo and insurance that is covering my hrt and Endo visits plus it will cover both my SRS and VFS. The VFS I may have to have after my SRS and I make my move back home to Cali. For I'm having a hard time finding a voice surgeon here in Florida.
I have a history of two suicide attempts. And I'm not talking slitting wrists or overdosing on pain meds or benzo's. On my first we were at a beautiful lake that had a cliff you could dive off of. The water was very deep there. Long story short I dove in and kept swimming down, and down until I couldn't hold my breath anymore, and I blacked out. I awoke choking some minutes later surrounded by paramedics and the people who were with me swimming that day. If it weren't for the quick thinking of two of those people who knew me and my situation and how I was feeling, I wouldn't be here. On my second nearly 10 years later I loaded the clip of my 9mm S&W Semi-Auto, made dam sure there was a bullet in the chamber, held it to my temple and pulled the trigger. It went "click." The gun slipped out of my hands as I cried and cried cursing the world and God for not making me whole. I wouldn't answer my door or phone, or computer/emails for over 3 days as I lay in my room sobbing. Finally a girlfriend of mine had her boyfriend kick my door in and got me to the hospital. My gun was still on the floor beside my bed where it fell from my hand. I later found out the bullet I had loaded into the chamber was a dud with a faulty primer. It should have went off but didn't. Call it what you will, an act of God, or shoddy ammo manufacturing but you get the idea.
This is the first time I've posted these details of my suicide attempts. I did so in effort to hopefully help people understand I know those feelings all too well. They were surfacing again six months ago. I live alone now and still own weapons. Had I not began my full transition when I did I wouldn't be here now. Since beginniing my hrt/full transition those thoughts have gone far far away. The only time I feel a little like that is every time I go to the bathroom or take a shower and have to see what I know with all that I am shouldn't be there. Yes, they are mild compared to what I felt again a little over 6 months ago but I know them well, and I want to keep them far far away. Having SRS will make me whole with normal female genitals and push them out of my life for good.
Right now I'm happier than I've been since I was a small child just before I lost my biological Mom. She never pushed gender issues and knew of my conditions plus, I always even at that young age identified as a girl. I look forward to each day, I feel 30 years younger, and now that I see a beautiful woman staring back at me in the mirror I smile as a feeling of femininity and happiness washes over me. So I need to be whole. And now that it looks like that can finally happen, I can finally have my dream and remain this happy woman I've become I have to go for it. It's my turn, I've waited long enough.
I sincerely apologize for the length. It's time this girl gets to bed. I thank those who read this for understanding.
Sweet dreams
Ally :icon_flower:
Ally
Thank you for sharing your journey. It is fantastic that since starting transition you are now in a whole lot better place and your previous despair has been left far in your past. The future is glorious and is there for you to shape, to suit the person who you wish to become.
I wish you continued love and good fortune on your journey.
Safe travels
Aisla
Alldya, I want to hug you and not let go, I feel as though I could cry, while myself did not have an intersexed condition, but, I feel I can now share this that I am about to write, haven't shared what I am about to with many, and I use to think It could be used to identify me, but I don't believe so much of that anymore. So I would like to share as well, as do believe I understand where you are coming from in a since, growing up (pre puberty age 12-13)I really didn't have a concept of gender, looking back I'd say I associated with girls more so than boys, I played with sticker books animal, dolls and house, most of this was thanks to a grandmother that took care of me way to often, as a grew older I started to rebel (still pre puberty) didn't want to go to school because I was picked on for being strange, and not feeling I belonged there like, like I was out of place. Then puberty hit, and with it brought depression, anger, psychiatric hospitals, halfway houses, and state custody, it was a nightmare, my rebelling turned into not going to school, the depression turned into suicide attempts of all kinds, sitting in a puddle of water and grabbing bare wires that were where a socket was supposed to be, trying to hang myself, trying to drown my self, so many attempts, this was all 12-13 till 18-19,the failures ended in me being in the hospital's some hospitals were bad some good, a d I mean ones that put me in straight jacket, and drugged me, tortured me etc, and which it brought anger, anger at God, anger at my mother, anger at the world, and everything in between, than became outbursts of the anger, which resulted in me becoming custody of the state, my mom started using harsher ways to deal with me including lieing to the law to have me arrested, which is how I ended in custody, I went through state hospital evaluations, again hospitals, then to try and get further ,education I was put into job corps, which actually was an option of that or juvenile hall where I had been and tortured, again. In job Corp I was attacked, and lost a small piece of my memory (the part of the attack) at which I lost it, they wanted me to go home, and as I sit in the ra's office while he called my mom, I over heard she didn't want me to come home, she told him to do something else with me, which that moment stays with me still, it didn't matter however as he loaded me up in his personal vehicle and took me home, even after seeing me battered and beaten, she still wanted me elsewhere. I ended up back in a hospital eventually, they wanted to medicate me, which I didn't accept, at this hospital they didn't force me, from here I went to my father's custody, which that didn't work, so back home I went, then to another job corps, which I seemed to be OK there for a bit till, I met some transgender students which was my first experience seeing, I ran away because I was first ally starting to realize, I ran because I saw myself as something other than human, something sick and felt as though my soul may go to hell, to purge my feelings I went to the military, which that failed, partly because of my mental issues, and partly because of underlying health issues. I came home, to an unremitting mother, but it kinda stabilized a bit, but it went downhill I started associating with the wrong people, started trying Street drugs, and again back in trouble with the law, where I ended up in jail, and to my surprise my mother rescued me, I was out of jail but in a probationary period, we moved several times,and I went job to job to job, and at the near end of probation, I finally started to figure it completely out, I started online, and talking with others and I made a friend who helped me to move forward, I started seeing a counselor (reluctantly),at first my mom was OK with what I was doing till I went to a local Dr for hormones, which he gave me, my mom had enough of what she deemed a (phase) and went to the Dr and told him I was mentally unstable, which the Dr quit prescribing the hormones, I lost it once the hormones stopped, my head became a mess, my mom was against me, my job was against me, it felt the world was against me, I tried again to kill myself, and finally after my mom said she was going to try and get me help, I loaded my car with my female clothing and a few other things including my works laptop, while everyone was asleep and ran away, eventually I met a trans individual who had friends and they save me, and finally I transitioned to my self completely at the age of 21. Over the years I rediscovered God, and while my family hated me I was happy, but I still felt lost because of the unacceptance of my mother, at around 25 I lost the lady I loved most, my grandmother and with that I decided I was going to cut ties after I had went to the funeral, but something happens and that was my mother decided to begin to learn about me and would reestablish a connection which has held very strongly today, which at the age of 34 I would have my srs and ultimately my mother and I finally came to an understanding. My past is still very painful to me, but I have learned and moved forward and now that which was my past feels as though it belongs to anther, or maybe a past life, that was not mine. And that which is my past is no more, today I love my self, my mother loves me as her daughter, and no one who met us would ever think of the story I just told, and finally my head is quiet.
So Alldya I can say I somewhat understand where you are coming from, and seems some of us get the wrong play of the cards, and indeed some of us don't make it, so believe me when I say this, I love you, I love you for who you are, and I love you for being you, as well as all the other "survivors" here who feel they are alone, have got that wrong end of the stick or play of the cards, so please always know you are not alone and that you are loved.
Quote from: Aisla on July 07, 2014, 03:28:32 AM
Ally
Thank you for sharing your journey. It is fantastic that since starting transition you are now in a whole lot better place and your previous despair has been left far in your past. The future is glorious and is there for you to shape, to suit the person who you wish to become.
I wish you continued love and good fortune on your journey.
Safe travels
Aisla
Thanks Aisla, I appreciate your understanding and encouragement. I'd much more rather talk about more happy things like my future myself, than dwell in the past. I'm doing my best to leave the past where it belongs. Sometimes though, something crops up that brings back all that awfulness. However, now that I'm in transition it's much easier to put it back in it's place, so to speak.
Again, thanks.
Best wishes :icon_bunch:
Calico, thank you for sharing your journey as well. Oh I knew you understood sweetie from your first words. It's something I can tell by the way someone writes and expresses themselves. In any case, It seems like we have a lot in common. And more to talk about as we continue our lives. Although, in your case you've already had your SRS? I'm also very happy to hear that you and your mom have patched things up. A mother-daughter relationship is something I longed for over the years, and still do. While my adopted Mom is still alive, she hangs on to religeous beliefs that get in the way of that closeness you and your Mom have. She is trying though. I just hope she'll let me come see her, and she'll give me a hug as her daughter while she's still able as she's now 80.
I love you too Sis. Know that. And if you ever need to you can pm me anytime.
Hugs :icon_hug:
Ally :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on July 07, 2014, 02:40:19 PM
Calico, thank you for sharing your journey as well. Oh I knew you understood sweetie from your first words. It's something I can tell by the way someone writes and expresses themselves. In any case, It seems like we have a lot in common. And more to talk about as we continue our lives. Although, in your case you've already had your SRS? I'm also very happy to hear that you and your mom have patched things up. A mother-daughter relationship is something I longed for over the years, and still do. While my adopted Mom is still alive, she hangs on to religeous beliefs that get in the way of that closeness you and your Mom have. She is trying though. I just hope she'll let me come see her, and she'll give me a hug as her daughter while she's still able as she's now 80.
I love you too Sis. Know that. And if you ever need to you can pm me anytime.
Hugs :icon_hug:
Ally :icon_flower:
Same gos to you as well if you ever feel the need you can pm me anytime and ill answer
for your adopted mother, always keep hope there, but In case it doesn't come to fruit, don't let it hurt you to much, at the age of 80 I dae to assume, that she grew up in a time and on beliefs that trans is a sin, and while she may not come to accept it, remember the love in her heart is very much real, and so is her love believe in that. One thing I did with my mom and family was I took a step back to try and see what they saw,to feel as though they did, and while hard as it was I took the role and asked myself what would happen if I were a parent, I told myself my love would be always there but I would fear for my child's well being and how society might face them and that was where I finally understood where she was at ,perhaps its the same. Just a thought. The biggest fear is the see a child being hut physically, emotionally, and at the hand of strangers , added with the extra fear of someone hurting, and possibly killing because of who they feel they are. I certainly ould be scared for my child (if I had one) so. I hope this help just a little if any at all. :icon_hug: :icon_flower: