Background: I'm currently thinking that I'm bi-gender, in a split-identity type thing. I'm also in a birth-gender-heterosexual marriage which I have zero desire to lose.
My wife is, unfortunately, struggling with the changes. I'm taking things slowly, to ease her into things. She's yet to meet Mandy, just [male name] in skirts a few times (no chest padding, no makeup, no name/pronoun switch). But, I still get the feeling that she's struggling, and on top of that it's kind of tearing me up inside that I can only be with her with half of who I am.
(It's also meaning I can't do certain changes to my appearance etc without it being hard on her. The facial hair took over a week before she'd even look at me properly, but I'm somewhere on the gorilla side of body hair, and it's triggering dysphoria spikes whenever I dress up nicely)
AJ
You are in a difficult place. Strongly recommend that you engage with a good gender therapist to help you understand yourself so that you are in the best position possible to communicate honestly and in a timely manner with your SO. The latter may also benefit from working with a relationship counsellor
Safe travels
Aisla
You can't help your wife through this. You have (unfortunately) no control over how she deals with your gender issues. This is a bitter pill for trans folk to swallow, but, unfortunately, the reality.
She's going to need to decide what being married to a genderqueer person means to her.
Here's what you can do:
* Be 100% honest with her, whatever happens. Tell her wherever you are and whatever is going on.
* Don't make an effort to "protect" her from what you're going through. Be your true self around her, including dress, voice, gestures, etc. She needs to know who you are.
* Listen when she wants to talk.
Good luck and hugs, Amanda. This is one of the most brutal parts of our gender journeys.
Just take your time and don't force it is my advice. If I could have imagined that we would be where we are now and still married...well I couldn't have. When your wife washed your bras you've crossed some sort of bridge. Take it one day at a time and let her see that you are the same only better happy. Favorite saying from wife is that she loves seeing me happy. Love you and you can love her better.
You could suggest she join a group or even join here to help with her struggles. Another option would be for her to see a therapist to help her understand what you are going through and to help deal with her own issues of dealing with it.
The ones who succeed seem to be big into communication and moving slowly.
I hope you find a method that works for you.
Quote from: Aisla on July 18, 2014, 06:52:52 AM
AJ
You are in a difficult place. Strongly recommend that you engage with a good gender therapist to help you understand yourself so that you are in the best position possible to communicate honestly and in a timely manner with your SO. The latter may also benefit from working with a relationship counsellor
Safe travels
Aisla
+1
I read two issues for you. First is "You think.....". I for one thought I was___, pretty sure____, Maybe not_____, More 'Normal' than_____. After about 6 years on the road to self discovery, unlearning LOTS of behaviors that no longer work for me, support from a great TG group, and now a good gender therapist; I am more unsure now than I was 2 years ago what is 'Right' for me, beyond what is working right now.
In time, I now know if/when I come to the fork in the road I'll be taking it and not running back or hiding as I've done in the past.
The second issue is wanting to keep your marriage together. Well, that entails even more work than what you need to do on yourself. My wife had known for over 30 years that I had gender issue, mostly CD since that was how I managed it. Yet dropping the T-Bomb 6 years ago was a shocker. It has been taking LOTS of open and honest discussions to make things work so far. Our lives are tied to theirs just as theirs are tied to ours. Everything needs to be a joint decision and likely requires compromises.
On top of the logistics, keep in mind how you spent nearly a lifetime trying just to get some level of understanding. Your spouse is way behind the curve. That is on top of all the mixed emotions she is feeling after learning the person she tied her life to is not the person she thought you were.
Being unsure yourself of many feelings you dared not even acknowledge, you aren't exactly a fount of reliable information. Just pure emotion. Avoiding TMI in talks is very difficult. Perhaps more so than fighting the desire to charge ahead into the unknown.
Overall, I suspect more (two sided) discussions are needed. It would do you a world of good finding TG support groups nearby. It was a total life changer for me. Well worth the 180 mile round trip for me in rural WV. People there can also turn you on to helpfull and knowledgeable gender therapist.
Thank you all for the input. It Perry much lines up with what I thought already, but it's very helpful to hear it from those who've got some more experience in things.
It seems to be improving, bit by bit..
Quote from: AmandaJones on July 18, 2014, 06:17:41 AM
The facial hair took over a week before she'd even look at me properly
With this said I sure would get a Therapist on board now. If this is hard for her I would not even talk about HRT or anything else until then. Not trying to be a downer (just realistic), but if this alone bothers her I don't think she will be very receptive to transition at all. You may have a very rough road and some hard choices to make very soon. I do want you to know you have support here when you need it though. :)
Hi Amanda,
I can relate. Also in a bit of a limbo, MtF identifying 'genderqueer', was mulling over HRT. Came out to spouse earlier this year, and had some ups and downs. Keeping the relationship is a big priority, so it affects my actions in a major way.
A few things I tripped over:
- Uncertainty is devastating for the spouse. It makes them feel like the foundation of their life is shifting. For a while I lived openly "considering transition". I thought I was merely being honest with her, and that she would appreciate such honesty. In reality it made her stressed as hell because every time I waffled she thought our life was falling apart. If I had to do it again, I would make my internal debate more 'internal'. I'm not saying "lie to her", but spare her the agonizing details.
- No amount of good nature, tolerance, or counseling will be able to save a relationship if your spouse is no longer attracted to you in your chosen presentation. Sorry. We may feel it's unfair, but it's just human nature. Please don't blame her if that happens (and it is likely to happen the further you proceed with feminization).
Like others here, I recommend counseling. I worked with a therapist too, and it helped to put things in perspective. There are no silver bullets though.