Hello, I wanted to introduce myself and ask a few questions. I am new to the site however not new to being transgendered. I guess first up I am 30 yrs of age,I consider myself mtf, I am married to a good woman who is about to give birth to a little girl. I came out to her about a year ago and she has been learning and accepting as much as possible, Ive tried to get her on this site to have other s.o to talk to. She is not liking the idea of transition at all, I was young and scared when I met her and didn't tell her when we met, I feel horrible about that in hind site, I was 25 when I met her, and still fighting myself bc I thought I would go to hell, that I was broken, it took a lot of prayer and reading to realize that I won't go to hell, neither will none of you wonderful people. And I just came to terms with myself bc I wa afraid of losing family, I come from a conservative Christian back ground, from Alabama. Plus I am adopted and growing up half of my family treated me as much, wouldn't let my cousins play with me or spend the night, same thing in school, no friends, just myself. I was caught dressing up and acting natural to me which was feminine, I was spanked and threatened with embarrassmen, as I got older I got good at hiding it, I went to a Christian school, str football player, a running back to be exact, I worked out hard to put my feminine ways behind me I was near 200 pounds at 16, I was very strong and fast. I joined the u.s army, and went to Iraq. I got several tattoos on my arms. I did everything I could to be tough, a man'a man. I am in a lot of pain and have no body to talk to... I am worried about transition bc I am still built muscular, I get hit on all the time and people think I'm a stud, I seen some people get good results that were like me, but my biggest fear is losing my mom and dad bc all that they have done for me. It almost seems cruel to put them through this, so they don't know, I have so much to lose but so much to gain, what do I do? They helped me get a house get my own semi truck. I make plenty of money, but I still owe them so much. Then I'm afraid if my wife and I split she will go for sole custody of our baby, and this is Alabama, she would say I'm transgendered and there would go my baby, I don't know if she would do that, I'm just afraid of that. She thinks that just dressing is enough, that it makes me hurt more she don't understand, I do dress when I'm home, bc that's all I can do right now, but it upsets me bc I feel so fake, I know it's not real yet. She also thinks this because I was molested as a child that I feel like a woman, she does not understand that I felt that before then. I am sorry if I broke any rules but I need a friend, I read all of them but I might have missed something. Also I am sorry for any bad spelling I am on an I phone bc I am a truck driver and I don't have a lap top. Does any body here do over the phone counseling, just a friend to talk to, or know where I can talk to someone that does over the phone. I am at the point of no return and I can't take it anymore, I love my wife, but I have a responsibility to her and my child. But I'd rather pay child support and get shared custody if it were possible. I'd like to avoid that, she is open to dressing and even shops with me, but beyond that she don't want me taking hormones to change my appearance. I'm sorry I just spilled all of that at one time, it's been in me a long time. Thanks to all of you for any advice or love and encouragement.
Hey Cristyjade
Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
You will find there are many people here with similar experiences growing up and/or with their significant others. Hopefully you will find some answers and guidance.
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Cheers
Grace
CJ
I am not a counsellor but you are taking the right step in trying to find a counsellor. I understand that there are gender counsellors in the US who will offer over the phone counselling but cannot vouch for their effectiveness or make a recommendation
When you start counselling and you are referred to an endo you and your wife may find the language, understanding and therapy that you both can embrace or at least live with.
In my case just stopping the dysphoria was a major break through. Low dose hrt shut down the dysphoria without significant or rapid physical change. Although ymmv the emotional benefits were immense and made my life and our relationship much, much richer. The path we take from here wil be less fraught and quite deliberate. This works for me as I am non binary, whether it would work for you is unclear
Hope you find a good therapist. Life can be so much better when we take the first steps towards a better place and a richer life
Safe travels
Aisla
Thank you and I believe that transition is something I have to do, but not at my current weight or size, I'm going to lose weight and try and lean my muscle mass out through Pilates or something like that, I am really flexible, so yoga is not out either, at one point in my life I was around 150 in basic training and Lordy I was skinny, If I could get there without bulking up but mange to keep enough muscle to turn into fat which would hopefully go to the right places I would be really happy. I don't have in realistic expectations, but I know if I work hard I can be passable, I know to some that's not the goal, because they are comfortable just being themselves. But I watch videos on you tube and actually a few were happy to talk to me about transition, one of them was like me, bulky, body builder and around same age, and she passes so easily, it gives me a lot of hope, although I found out that for some reason, probably due to a tumor on one of my glands(don't worry it's been there sense birth) that I have always had a little higher estrogen level than most men, so I have had to work harder to define muscle, and to build mass, even now at 240pds I dress up and my wife is like wow you have a nice ass and hips, and I've never had a prominent Adam's apple, it's there but even when I was skinny it was barely noticeable. So I have a lot of hope. I just don't know if that will be enough to give up my family, and have to move. I just need friends that are transgender like me, I can't lose what I have, I know if I start hormones that it takes along time,
And I can hide the effect from most people I care about for a long time, but as for my wife I don't know if I could successfully hide it from her. She knows I already produce estrogen (actually every body does even if it only a little bit in men) but I have more than others, I'm fact it made it hard for me to get her preganant, took five years due to low sperm count, I have had the blood work to prove it, and she knows this, and there is a possibility as I get older estrogen count could be more than t, it's not enough to make drastic changes but I have developed very sensitive nipples over the past few years, I am very emotional, I always been able to contain my emotions inside, for instance my very close grandfather passed in 2008, I love him so much, most gracious person and wise person anyone could ever meet, I could not cry, inside I was destroyed, outside all I could do I was make myself look upset, it like I have all this pent up emotions inside me, that I can't get out. I also have PTSD, from combat, I am just a mess, lol
I just know in my heart that Cristy is who I really am, I am so glad that I finally know that, I wish I would have had understanding parents, but I didn't even know what being transgendered was then, I was always upset bc I would look at other women, and I'd think that's me, what I felt. But I do not know why or what it was. This was all the way up til 2002 and at 18 I have never heard the word transgender, transvestite, I had heard of gay and lesbian I wasn't that backward, but I had no idea there were others like me. I just buried it deep inside and lost myself in music and doing manly stuff. For a while I thought I was a transvestite or crossdresser, once I had heard of those things, but I felt fake everytime, sex or sex activities while dressed did not stop the pain and different ness inside, and I really didn't care about he clothes, I would just feel like it was a lie. I wished upon every star, I prayed for those feeling to go away, bc I was taught that it was bad, even beat for it when I was around five yrs old, my mom and dad don't think I remember, but I do. I still love them, I can't hold grudges or hate or judge, it's against my nature to do so. They thought they were doing the right thing, but they weren't. I really hope that things change in society, I just am thankfully there's a place like this to vent and hopefully make friends once people get to know me. We'll I'm determined to follow this path. I'm up all night watching videos and researching bc it's not something I can put at the back of my mind any more. I guess I am about to be friendless and without a family. Bc when I tell me wife that I have to follow through with it it's probably going to be ov. She has said multiple times, I married a man, and you are what God made you, a man. I have explained to her God made transsexuals for a reason, were not a mistake. For what reason I don't know, maybe He wanted us to learn that about ourselves, we all have our own burdens to bear regardless of gender and sexual orientation, but He wants us to take that journey, God gives knowledge for a reason. Sorry about the religious tangent, but I showed her where it says in the Bible that we will all be accepted as long as you believe in God and Jesus. She has gotten to the point where she said that I won't go to hell, but she is hung up understandably on my assigned gender, I should have told her upfront but I was still in denial. I will always be in love with her, but I feel this need inside, not in my brain, but in the pit of my soul, it's like a voice calling to me. I don't believe she will go on this journey with me. So I have to tell her that I have to and that I love her no matter what, but if she leaves then so be it, it wasn't fair for her not to know before we got togeather and it's not fair to me to keep living a lie. I just dread finding a different love, or falling in love agian, I never wanted to lose the love I had. So I guess child support and split custody is in my future. Wish me luck and I'll keep an update from an appropriate section. Thanks agian.
Im a parent of six and a grandparent of four and I was afraid Id lose everything as well. It seems your wife loves you and is willing to bend from the "norm" or at least accepts you so best to give her a chance. Things dont change overnight and everyone changes together and they can see that we are the same just happy. You should find a way to talk to a therapist and they can give you help. I just starting using this forum and tryin gto be of help and dont want to break the rules but reach to me if lonely. I did this alone for the most part and wouldnt wish that on anyone ever no how no where nada.
Thanks sweetheart! I have talked to her and I don't think she will leave now, she finally told me why she don't want me to take hormones, she has seen me dressed several times, and I weigh 240, but hardly no fat, we'll maybe around 14 bmi, and I am 6ft tall but she says I look so much like a gg, that she knows I will become a woman, like I have a condition thats Cuased me to have higher normal e levels than normal males, but I am not fem looking in boy mode, and I am extremely responsive to e bc I have had it in meat higher levels since birth, it's due to a tumor, so I have a nice bum and hips, my face doesn't have that chiseled male jaw line, and I don't have a prominent Adam's apple. I also am going through sympathetic pregnancy when I'm around her. So basically she knows that more than likely losing weight and hormones will be very effective, and I'll be a woman and want men, this is what she told me. I told her I am hers regardless, and I will stay if she will let me, I know some have gotten attracted to men on transition, I however have never been attracted to men at all, if that happens I will still be attracted to her. If I become bi that doesn't mean I'm gonna act on it, if that were the case I would have cheated on her before. Any way I don't have pm privileges yet but I will at 15 posts and I would love to have a girlfriend. Thanks sweety you warmed my heart!
Welcome to Susan's, Christyjade. Seems that have taken some positivr steps in your progression. It took my SO some time before she accepted me as mtf. Yours seem to want this to work. I feel the love you have for each other. I pray that the both of you will work this through.
:)
Thank you!! I am soooo great full in found this place.i think my biggest challenge is going to be the town I live in, I have always been seen as alpha male type of guy, macho. Getting my so to leave is going to be hard, I think her family will be more accepting than mine. They have lesbians in there family that are excepted. My family is going to be different, I'm afraid that my dad will be the worst, my mom I dunno, she did always want a daughter. But we live on several acres and all my aunts uncles and grandparents live on our road, they are very very conservative Christian. It won't matter how we'll I look or even if I pass completely, there gonna be a no go. People in town already don't like my family or hers. There is a bad inside the loop closed society. If your not one of the in families you're related as an outsider even though my family is one of the earliest there back from the 1830s. So I been wanting out for the longest anyway. The way I want to do it is hrt and weight loss, my family already knows I'm losing weight so thats no biggie, long hair? Not so much a biggie either, my problem is due to sensitivity to female hormones I am about 70% shure I will respond very well to hrt. And hiding boobies will be hard. Once I lost enough weight and can pass physically I'm getting yes on voice surgery and going full time. If I can make it a year or year and a half before then that will give me time to make arrangements. At that time I am going to switch to dry van hauling from oversize hauling. I need the oversize work now so I can bring in enough money to pay for hrt, voice, electrolysis, then srs in that order. So I need a lot of prayer, I am thinking about starting it in the next month and taking low dose t so that I can still get a decent um,,,,, you know sex life, I've talked to people that did that and were able to keep the wife in the dark for about 6 months until they started getting boobies and hips and such lol. I don't know I would might even consider keeping my birth genitals to keep her happy, if I could get the physical appearance I want. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Smooches