For those of you that do, do you get a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you have to change back into male clothes, take off your makeup and/or wig, and prepare to be treated like a cis-male? I have been presenting female all day today, but have to run an errand, and so now have to go scrub off all my makeup etc..
It's demoralizing.
I do feel like I made good progress today though, this is the most comfortable in my skin I have been in years. The closet has a big mirror on it, and I find myself stopping work to just stare at myself in the mirror and make gestures/faces that feel "me" but I can't get away with when presenting as male.
I hope you all have a splendid day.
-Anna
Its technically the opposite for me, but I was so determined at first that I started wearing skirts and stuff to bed. Now its more of a habbit than a need. However I have to put on male clothing in the morning and then switch to women in the evening. It will be nice when I can go to work as a girl, but I haven't come out yet. I'm also thinking of coming out first, giving it some time, then live full time afterword.
Oh and since I get to switch to female mode after work, its like relaxing after a long day.
I am still male at work, and I am really losing my patience with it.
I don't wear a wig or put my hair up or anything like that, and the looks I get as male at work are a bit uncomfortable these days too. I think they are starting to suspect something is up.
I definitely get that sinking feeling while getting back into my old "male" clothing before work or going out and about.
I feel so awkward (like an overweight teenager) because I have to wear over-sized clothing to hide "things" that are changing due to HRT. I actually went shopping for the sole purpose to find clothes to hide my chest a few days ago... It was so weird. I'm moving across the country (to my old hometown...scary) soon and hoping to find a new job where I can be myself.
Quote from: Annabella on July 22, 2014, 06:21:05 PM
For those of you that do, do you get a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you have to change back into male clothes, take off your makeup and/or wig, and prepare to be treated like a cis-male? I have been presenting female all day today, but have to run an errand, and so now have to go scrub off all my makeup etc..
It's demoralizing.
I do feel like I made good progress today though, this is the most comfortable in my skin I have been in years. The closet has a big mirror on it, and I find myself stopping work to just stare at myself in the mirror and make gestures/faces that feel "me" but I can't get away with when presenting as male.
I hope you all have a splendid day.
-Anna
I... was just telling my girl friend about this exact sensation actually. I had a moment a couple days ago, I usually dress pretty androgynously during the day using a mix of boy and girl stuff... but even so, I love wearing my camis. Every day before my mom gets home I change clothes... but this particular day, I slipped the straps off my shoulders, and it was like, almost just too much. I just kind of wanted to sit there, straps off my shoulders, covering my chest and just cry. Naturally I changed clothes anyways, but sorta felt like crap for the rest of the day until it was late enough that I could change back.
It's been harder to take it all off and present as a male from a passing stand point. I get guys opening the door for me all the time. I love it. In due time I'll be full time. It's going to happen sooner than later.
Hang in there Annabella ;D
Its tough for sure. Im full time, legal name change/license pic, bit im still getting laser on my face, and the days i have an appointment i am not supposed to shave so i stay in as much as possible, without my makeup n hair.. i look like a man and i hide from the world except for my appointment. It hurts to feel like im revertinvg, even though i know im not..that will endsoon enough tho, but i know ur pain :icon_bunch:
I know those feels well. I hate having to go back into boy-mode. I can't wait to go FT so I can put the male camo away for good.
Everytime i have to take off the nail polish, wigs, girl clothes, headbands or whatever im wearing that day and put on the "boy mode" I always feel empty inside. One day there will be a time when I can put "boy mode" away for good, but until then I'll continue to live a duality that gets harder and harder each day.
It may sound weird coming from someone who still presents themselves pretty androgynously, but I don't even have a boy mode anymore. I refuse to wear any of my old clothes because they were more or less the product of my low self esteem (think lots of baggy sweatpants :/), so even if I don't wear skirts or very much makeup, all the clothes I have to wear are women's clothes. And because I completely stopped using a male voice completely when I started voice training, I have a lot of difficulty actually sounding male. So for the moment, I am in perma-andro mode until I am able to take care of the remaining issues I have with my body that prevent me from being confident enough to not feel like I need plausible deniability.
Quote from: Miyuki on July 23, 2014, 12:17:17 AM
It may sound weird coming from someone who still presents themselves pretty androgynously, but I don't even have a boy mode anymore. I refuse to wear any of my old clothes because they were more or less the product of my low self esteem (think lots of baggy sweatpants :/), so even if I don't wear skirts or very much makeup, all the clothes I have to wear are women's clothes. And because I completely stopped using a male voice completely when I started voice training, I have a lot of difficulty actually sounding male. So for the moment, I am in perma-andro mode until I am able to take care of the remaining issues I have with my body that prevent me from being confident enough to not feel like I need plausible deniability.
Me too...all I have are women's jeans and tops. I wear 1 1/4 hoops daily perfume and concealer anyway, some lip something. I wear clear finish on my nails but obvious. I just kept going further till now I flash cleavage, one button at...a...time. haha
For me I'm waiting till I'm ready to go full time 100% before I go out en femme, There are small exceptions though.
I spent my teens & 20's in & out back and forth, at almost 31 it's all or nothing. I can't deal with the stress & emotions of having to "Take it off" at the end of the day. It does bother me having to continue presenting as male, but I've been VERY patient and I'm getting close to full time.
The one thing that gives me triggers is when people use my birth name or use male pronouns. Or when I'm put in a situation that focuses on my male presentation. I just stay strong and fight through the feelings.
I've presented as female in every aspect of my life since the start of transition, so I've never really had a "boy mode" as such. But I do sometimes wind up wearing my little brother's clothes around the house (some of which were mine pre-transition) simply because they happen to be to hand. And it never bothers me because I know that only my mum and my younger brother will see me. I'm confident that my family won't look at me in a guy's t-shirt and see a guy - they'll just see their daughter / sister in a guy's t-shirt. ^^ I have a couple of ostensibly male pieces of clothing too, which I like and am quite happy to wear because they look suitably androgynous. So there are certainly certain circumstances under which I'm not too concerned about wearing male clothing.
That being said, even now, as I rapidly approach my fourth year of living as female, I would never dream of wearing identifiably male clothes outside in front of strangers, and would probably even find it pretty upsetting doing so in front of most of my friends. Maybe if it were someone who I deeply trusted and who I knew for certain wasn't going to view me as any less female for it. But even then, I don't think I'd be very comfortable. So I can only imagine how unpleasant it must be for those who still have to put on the act in their day to day lives. :/ I admire the strength and resilience of many of the people in this thread! <3