Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi,

I'm a 23-year-old male and I'm not sure where to begin. I've come to realise that I might be genderqueer. I'm physically male and present as male. I sometimes have occasional feminine or effeminate behaviours but I don't feel physically or emotionally female. I feel deeply I'm androgyne but I don't dress how I feel.

I'm really scared of trying to dress androgyne and I don't know where to begin but I've felt for years that I've wanted to be as I feel but I've never had the courage to do anything to change it. I haven't done it before and I'm scared I'll get it wrong.

The wonderful thing about us here is that there is no wrong way to dress.

Keep sharing, others will chime in, and don't be afraid, the answers are here and will come....

Give yourself a hug dear your just took your first step and we are with you.

Satinjoy,

It's a big step and I know it isn't going to be easy. I'm don't know what I'm most afraid of. I've tried to dress how I feel at others times but I got too afraid and stopped. I see a lot of androgynous style clothes in shops but I don't want to be a trend. It's very female-orientated too and I couldn't see myself wearing it.

Alexi, if it feels to big, the break it down some more, maybe one thing until you feel comfortable then more  or adding another piece.
There are a lot of little things that only you will notice that is different, just getting the feel for it.
If you're androgyn, then really what you are wearing is androgyn, as opposed to an androgynous look or fashion.
But the look, the fashion sense has many different elements to it, there isn't a strict look to it.
It's pretty flexible, so pick up on the things you like that have less impact on those around you.
It's a way for you to get used to how you want to look and not have to be worried about what someone might think.
It's a difficult thing to do sometimes, I make hardly any effort towards looking a part and look the way I feel like, which is really pretty tame.
It isn't the clothes, the look that defines you, it's how you, yourself, the way you want to do it that defines you.
You are you and who you are depends on who you want to be. Stuck for ideas? Invent yourself.
You already pretty much know yourself, just expand on it in ways that are comfortable for you, right now.
A shirt of pants, maybe a hat you like or some jewelry that appeals to you.
Also be aware that it isn't necessarily the style as it is the fit, or cut of the clothes.
Look for the cut that suites your body, the one that gives you the look without yelling at the world to look at you.
Good fitting clothes go a long ways in getting the look, more so than any particular style.
Have fun shopping! I did today.
I didn't buy anything, but I did look at some clothes that have no particular look to them, but they would fit me well.
That I didn't care for the style, is the reason I didn't buy them.
I also passed on some that I like the look of, but they just wouldn't fit me well.
If you're looking at fashion magazines , ads and just seeing something you like on the Internet where aver you go, look at how the fit looks first.
If it's professional shots of something, you can be sure that they are very fitted to the person to make them look better.
Some people can wear just about anything, so long as it fits them nicely. If it looks good, it fits properly.
Ativan

I couldn't have asked for better advice. I recognised a lot of the things I feel desperate for. I feel like I should look androgyne to make me feel better about myself emotionally. I don't pay attention to fashion magazines. I know photographs are heavily modified to sell products and lifestyles and like I said I don't want to look like a phase or a trend.

It's a good idea to make everything smaller and make small changes but I don't know where to start. Are there things you do in your life? Are there lifestyle choices you make that reflect who you are?

Alexi

Fashion and dress are one element.  Andro expression or cues can also include hair (removal re body/face and growing longer hair or changing your cut).  Brow grooming/shaping and manicured nails may also help.

Shirts with buttons on the left, more vibrant color or pattern, boots with a heel, size of watch, choice of belt and bag are just a few specific examples of choices that can help your expression without screaming GQ.

As Ativan says, try something, if it works, play with it.

Safe travels

Aisla

I could do something to my hair and shave. It might make me look more youthful if I shave. I know makeup can have a dramatic effect too but I've never tried it. Is it better to make my face look softer? What about my eyes or jawline?

Shaving, laser or electro all help.  Moisturiser will soften and freshen your complexion.  Slight shaping of the eyebrow and tint on upper eye lash can also help.  Hard to soften the jaw without makeup, hrt or ffs

Aisla

I'll shave and moisturize. Trimming and shaping my eyebrows is going to really help too. Is there anything else I should think about?

Thank God Ativan and Aisla got into this one, I am in way over my head!  I am more similar to Alexi than I thought :)

Now I want to buy some boots and head for the thrift store too....

For those that know me, by the way, my mind has accepted the short hair and once again I can see both male or female in the mirror neck up, which is a great gift...

Alexi I am GQMTF transsexual, its a bit different for me....

Love to all

The girls out in me again, the guy came out in another thread.... it is so interesting how this works

But Alexi you are getting good advice here from some really great people.  I need to just watch and listen on this one, I too am scared to push social envelopes.

I like looking male but there's an appeal about almost looking female that I like too. It's trying to find the clothes and the comfort and finding a style which works for me emotionally and physically. It's trying to find a style which works and allows me to express myself as I feel but not doing too much or overdoing it.

I'm going to find some shirts and shoes and try different things with my hair. I can always change my hair whenever I want.

Just be you. When I went to my therapist I was like I hate myself and what I look like. She said so change it and I did. Much happier now...no one can tell you what to change because they aren't you. Just be you. :)

Quote from: StevieAK on July 26, 2014, 10:14:39 AM
Just be you. When I went to my therapist I was like I hate myself and what I look like. She said so change it and I did. Much happier now...no one can tell you what to change because they aren't you. Just be you. :)

I hate looking in a mirror because I don't like anything I see. I can change it but it's the change which feels like too much and I haven't got anyone I can speak to about it. Who can I speak to?

Get thee to a therapist!  I know it sounds simplistic but having someone sitting there you can bounce things off that doesnt have an agenda and or their perspective, that is trained to help you figure out what is happening will be very helpful.. Been there done that and glad I went.

Quote from: StevieAK on July 26, 2014, 04:35:14 PM
Get thee to a therapist!  I know it sounds simplistic but having someone sitting there you can bounce things off that doesnt have an agenda and or their perspective, that is trained to help you figure out what is happening will be very helpful.. Been there done that and glad I went.

Can I book an appointment with someone or do I need to ask for a referral from my MD?

Quote from: Alexi on July 27, 2014, 10:36:45 AM
Can I book an appointment with someone or do I need to ask for a referral from my MD?

Google it for your area. Look for reviews from others if possible. Physiology today I think it's called and should come up has an interactive Web site that directs to practitioner's in water one has issues with, best wishrs.

Oh and idk but if people knew where you were they may have person experience. 

Being androgynous enables one to be free of the constraints imposed by either gender model in terms of preferences whether it be speech, expressions, dress mode and general appearance, it doesn't have to be a radical transition. I came to the place and decided that I hated shirts with collars, probably because of my short neck and find them irritating and decided that the usual collection of men's shirts were boring and drab, and I wanted color. Then the usual loose fitting jeans didn't fit my body style so I bought several pairs of different Levi slim-fit and skinny jeans. My feet were always miserable in men's shoes and sandals that were always too wide with big clumpy Neanderthal soles and truck-like treads usually starting at D width and going wider, having narrow feet requiring a C width if I'm not to be skating around in my shoes, c widths if available are usually another $100 so I found some rather unisex women's medium width shoes and sandals that are extremely comfortable to wear. I started collecting and adding these and other things to my wardrobe piecemeal a little at a time and now have a drawer full of women's cotton tank tops, and various tops from Victoria's Secret that are colorful and clingy. I recently purchased several colorful long sleeved women's cotton Henley T's from Duluth Trading of all places, you know they are a little longer so that you don't show your butt crack.  :D Their commercials are hilarious! Mixing typically male and female clothing and styles is a lot of fun and allows one to express themselves outwardly rather than feel like just another one of the drones. This selfie gives you and idea of how subtly you can be if you want to get started adding a few things in to express your inner self through your physical appearance. This is a collarless cotton Henley T shirt over a white Coobie bra with the cookies removed so that the girls don't aren't overstated, kind of a crappy photo but you get the idea.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimagizer.imageshack.us%2Fv2%2F320x240q90%2F855%2F99fp.jpg&hash=e27152fabddbda89f23d31994848599f36d4776b) (https://imageshack.com/i/nr99fpj)

I'm feeling scared and trapped. I don't have anybody to speak to about my feelings.

Talk to me...
I'll leave my email on till around midnight cental time, US, so even if it looks like I'm not here, I'll keep an eye out.
Ativan

Quote from: Alexi on July 28, 2014, 07:22:59 PM
I'm feeling scared and trapped. I don't have anybody to speak to about my feelings.

Do an online search of your geographic area for a transgender support group or a GLBT organization and contact them. They will have knowledge of all the local resources including counselors some of which may offer counseling on a sliding scale based on your income and ability to pay. You're always welcome to PM myself and other's here once you have made, I think fifteen posts.

I don't know if I'm transgender or not. I feel so confused and tied in knots.

Alexi

As Stevie said please see a gender therapist.  While you may be transgender you also may not be transgender.  Diagnosis requires a skilled therapist.  I didn't know I was trans* for many years! I thought and feared that I could be many things.   The diagnosis provided immense relief and allowed me to move forward.

Safe travels

Aisla

I'm in a lot of emotional pain. I feel confused and so tired. I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed. Worst of all is being alone.

When you're here, you're not alone.
It's difficult in real life IRL, to have those feelings,
but taking the time and getting a few more posts up,
telling us more of what and how things are going would be a big help for us.
It's hard to respond to your posts, there isn't to much that can be said other than what has been said already.
Is it hard to find the time to be more interactive here?
It is for some, others have plenty of time, so people come and go, some are here a lot.
In other words, hanging around for longer periods of time, give people a chance to talk, may be a big help for you.
Have you looked into a therapist yet?
Hope things are getting better for you.
Ativan

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on July 30, 2014, 02:25:06 PM
When you're here, you're not alone.
It's difficult in real life IRL, to have those feelings,
but taking the time and getting a few more posts up,
telling us more of what and how things are going would be a big help for us.
It's hard to respond to your posts, there isn't to much that can be said other than what has been said already.
Is it hard to find the time to be more interactive here?
It is for some, others have plenty of time, so people come and go, some are here a lot.
In other words, hanging around for longer periods of time, give people a chance to talk, may be a big help for you.
Have you looked into a therapist yet?
Hope things are getting better for you.
Ativan

I found a therapist I hope might help. I haven't found recommendations about them but the person claims to have experience counseling of lots of conditions and I can afford to pay the hourly rate too. It's not hard to find time to interact; I don't know what to say!

It can be hard to put words to your thoughts, I have difficulties with that.
We're all pretty used to it, quite a few people find it hard to say the things they have on their minds.
Know that there are a lot of people here who are very understanding and wish nothing more than to be of help.
We all help each other, even in ways that aren't apparent sometimes.
But it's the nature of who we are, we are a different kind of people, yet we are all so very normal in our own ways.
Have you been able to look through some of the back pages and topics?
Lots of good questions have even better answers in most of them.
It can be difficult, but I think you'll find that we are very understanding and know just how difficult it can be.
I'm interested in you, I know quite a few people are.
Go and look at how much rambling I can do in a single comment.
If that's what it takes, we're here for you.
Sometimes, we do get wrapped up in things that are going on and it might not make much sense to someone who is new here.
Don't let that throw you off.
There are a lot of people, a lot of different backgrounds.
A lot of understanding and good advice for everyone.

Nice to know a therapist is in the works for you.
Just know that we are here to support you, that we care.
Ativan

I've looked through some of the topics and subjects other people asked about and some of them answered some of the questions I had, or are identical to thoughts or feelings I had too. I feel so alone sometimes that it's unbearable and I wonder if I can do it at all any more.

I have nobody to speak to and no safe places to go which makes it so much worse. I feel like I can't hold on sometimes. Somtimes I don't want to and I wish I didn't have any of the pain I'm feeling.

There is always a hand reaching out to help you here.
It's a safe place for many of us, a place to speak, to listen, to converse with others who are in the same kind of place, others who have been through it as well.
If things are getting to be to much, look into the closest crisis centers in your area, have them as a back up plan.
I do, I have several that I have found over some very troubled years, some of which are still going on, but I'm working on them as so many of us are.
It's a process that we go through in our own ways, it's always different for each of us, but we have banded together and although no single person has all the answers, as a group, we do have many to share.
Never be afraid to bring up any issue that you're having.
We don't care if it is one or a hundred, we're here to help walk you through them.
I know that feeling of how hard it is to hold on sometimes, I have gone through the giving up and was helped through it.
I understand the pain of just being and how horribly awful it can feel.
I'm not alone in this here. We talk, we do our best to fix the things that are wrong and are able to move on to the next step in the journey.
This is the place that is safe, it is well guarded by the excellent safety measures that are built in and the constant attention to this by the staff here.
It's the safest place that there is for many of us, and for you to.
People are reaching out, right now, there are many helping hands for you to grab hold of and are ready to pull you back up.
Reach out. Speak to us. If you can't hold on, we'll hold on to you, share your pain.
It's easy for me to ask you to trust us, I know how hard it can be to do this, but it's here, it's a place you can trust.
Ativan

I didn't ever think I could feel so much pain and be in so much anguish so often. I look in a mirror and I don't like anything I see. I don't like my appearance but I feel unable to change it. I wish sometimes I didn't hold on. I wish sometimes I couldn't hold on. I wish I could let go, but it seems so much more difficult to let go than to hold on.

I've tried reaching out. I've tried and I've lost so many people for trying to reach out that I have nobody left.

You have found us, we aren't going anywhere.
Holding on and letting go...
Are you talking about your life?
Or is it a holding on to something that holds you back when you want to move forward?
I don't look at myself in mirrors anymore, I don't like who I see, it's not the person I am.
I'm pretty much stuck, but I'm working on it.
There is always a possibility that maybe I can't see right now, but I know they are, they always are.
My experiences tell me they are, I found them at times I was more than just lost and hurting.
Reach a little farther, you won't lose any of us. It doesn't work that way here.
I'm sorry if any of the recent topics have cast any doubt about that.
There are people working behind the scenes, behind these boards, holding on to people who are in need.
Have you seen the PM? The Personal Message? We use them to talk in private, sometimes it's better that way.
We talk, we learn, we find the ways that we need to keep moving forward. The possibilities.
Hold on, hang in there... There are possibilities we haven't even begun to talk about.
Ativan

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on July 31, 2014, 01:29:47 PM
Holding on and letting go...
Are you talking about your life?

I feel embarrassed being alive sometimes. I'm much better off to other people not being alive. I almost can't bear the pain of being alone any more. It's so painful. It's so unbearably, unbearably painful. My life has no value. My life has no worth. I'm really sorry.

Alexi,
Now you know what I look like.  Now picture me forty lbs heavier with a nasty ass beard, terror filled eyes, and afraid to reach out.  That is what two and a half years of therapy, a couple years of HRT and a lot of love from the people here can do.  Where you are  makes a difference. You are surrounded by survivors of dysphoria, depression, and actually just plain old fatigue.  If an old bitch like me can live and be happy you can too. ;)  Call, PM anytime.

Julie

Quote from: Alexi on July 31, 2014, 02:19:09 PM
I feel embarrassed being alive sometimes. I'm much better off to other people not being alive. I almost can't bear the pain of being alone any more. It's so painful. It's so unbearably, unbearably painful. My life has no value. My life has no worth. I'm really sorry.

Perhaps some people feel that way about you. Perhaps they don't. Those that do are seriously not worth their weight in dirt. They are also, unfortunately, everywhere. It is easy to believe them. Don't.

Your value, and your worth, are still there inside you, just buried under all the anguish and pain. These things can still be found, even if it takes some time to sift through the lies we tell ourselves. Even if it makes more sense right now, telling yourself you are without value and worth is one such lie. The truth is there, underneath it all.

We welcome that you share, since many have been in a similar place. You never need apologize for it, for sharing these feelings that are real to you. Though miles may separate us, we are not alone anymore. People here are real, and we care about you.

I, for one, would like to know more about you. What is something you enjoy about this world, or about yourself? Or one thing you like to do, before the pain made it difficult?

Quote from: Jera on July 31, 2014, 05:54:58 PM
Perhaps some people feel that way about you. Perhaps they don't. Those that do are seriously not worth their weight in dirt. They are also, unfortunately, everywhere. It is easy to believe them. Don't.

Your value, and your worth, are still there inside you, just buried under all the anguish and pain. These things can still be found, even if it takes some time to sift through the lies we tell ourselves. Even if it makes more sense right now, telling yourself you are without value and worth is one such lie. The truth is there, underneath it all.

We welcome that you share, since many have been in a similar place. You never need apologize for it, for sharing these feelings that are real to you. Though miles may separate us, we are not alone anymore. People here are real, and we care about you.

I, for one, would like to know more about you. What is something you enjoy about this world, or about yourself? Or one thing you like to do, before the pain made it difficult?

I don't think I'm worth caring about. It's becoming harder and harder to fight against but at the same time I'm so worn out.

I know what I want to look like. I know about how I feel and understand how I feel. I recognize that I'm non-binary. I know I'm non-binary; yet I still don't know if non-binary is transgender. It doesn't feel like it is. It feels fake to think about it as transgender. I haven't had the time to contact the therapist I found; but I will.

Quote from: Alexi on July 31, 2014, 06:28:03 PM
I don't think I'm worth caring about. It's becoming harder and harder to fight against but at the same time I'm so worn out.

I know what I want to look like. I know about how I feel and understand how I feel. I recognize that I'm non-binary. I know I'm non-binary; yet I still don't know if non-binary is transgender. It doesn't feel like it is. It feels fake to think about it as transgender. I haven't had the time to contact the therapist I found; but I will.

These words, "transgender" and "non-binary" are really just that, just words, and nothing more. It's not something that you have to aspire to, or fit the definition of. We use them to try describing what we're going through, but so often they're not quite enough. They often mean different things to all of us. It's more about finding yourself, being true to yourself, and there's nothing fake about that. Nothing could be more real! If these words work for you, great. If they don't, that's perfectly fine, too.

Even if you don't feel like you're worth caring about, is it enough to know that I do, anyway? I really would like to know more about you. Nobody should have to go through what you are, alone. Please feel free to shoot me a message or talk, or vent, or whatever, whenever you want.

If you don't want to claim the label "transgender" for yourself, you don't have to at all. It can be a scary label in a lot of ways. The reason people include non-binary/other genders in the transgender category is so that you (yes you! as well as others) can know that you will be welcomed and included in transgender communities.

You are yourself, and that is enough.

I have met many people who felt alone, and who felt like giving up. I have been one of those people. It can be very hard to realize that you are not alone, especially when those feelings are so strong. Struggling with that as well as trying to explore your identity is hard -- it's hard enough to even maintain the already-established parts of your identity in the face of dark thoughts and hard times.

Please know that this community will be here to support you in being yourself, whoever that may be, and that there are many things worthwhile about you, no matter who you are.

And remember that you are not alone. Many others here have felt alone, but as you say, have posted similar things. Many here have gone through mental and physical distress, depression, dysphoria, confusion, and loneliness, and come out of it alive, thriving, and happy with themselves.

You can do that too.

I actually don't like labels, but at the same time I feel a little less lost using a label as it's like a goal to work toward. Ideally I'd like not to have to use a label and let my gender expression explain how I am; but that's a long time in happening and I haven't even started to change the things I want to change yet. Like if I'm walking out in public I dream about how I want to look and express myself but can't bring myself to do it, or buy clothes I want; I almost become impatient because I want to change my gender expression now, but at the same time I just can't do it.

I'm not sure where to start, but at least I'm looking for a therapist I hope might help. Do I have to go through a test? Or tests?

Quote from: Alexi on August 01, 2014, 06:34:17 AMI'm not sure where to start, but at least I'm looking for a therapist I hope might help. Do I have to go through a test? Or tests?

The only test you may have to do is a blood test if you'd like to have hormones in the future - but that will be touched on by your therapist when you get to that stage. Otherwise, just think of therapist sessions as chats with a friend. They are there to listen, give you advice and help you put any doubts or worries to rest. They can be an excellent support network if you are struggling to find support elsewhere.

Alexi,

You sound as though you are in so much anguish.  Everyone has their worth, and everyone has their importance in the scheme of things.

You said that you don't know what you want to be.  That is normal, the important thing is that you realise this is so, and are looking at doing some thing about finding out.

Therapy is all about talking, and having someone help you find yourself.  There are no tests, nothing that you can fail.  Sometime questions can be confronting, but they will drive you forward.

Everyone's advice is sound. Everyone goes through this part of starting and the questions that come along with it.
You're stepping out of you comfort zone and into your life. The effects vary depending on the person.
This is why we stress seeing a therapist, they are like a guide for you, not a gatekeeper.
Be wary of anyone who is, not all of them understand non-binary, some even let their own personal feelings get in the way.
But you'll know right away is it isn't going to work, but at the same time, it can take a couple sessions to get it rolling.
And it will. I think most , if not all of us have felt lost in the beginning, and it is common to feel that way as things move along.
Like I said, we are all different, but we do know how we have all dealt with things and we do have many good things to tell you as you step into the journey that your life is taking.
Relax, we're right here, right with you on this. Most of us have had the help of many others as we too move along on our journeys.
It's going to take patience, lots of it for now, until you find the things that are going to work for you.
There isn't a single one of us who hasn't wished they could simply make a transformation and step out into the world.
It'll take some time to find your footing, but once you do, the time spent will seem like it was short and sweet, which it will be.
Each step is important, you do want to do it right, to not have any do-overs or at the least, keep them to a minimum.
We learn the most when we are patient with ourselves and each step we take is well thought out before we take them.
We can help the most with this. Learn from our mistakes as well as our triumphs.
Done right, you're gonna have fun, even through the bumps in the road ahead.
Hah! I sound like a cheerleader. Nobody can tell you what to do, nobody knows exactly what is right for you.
But we can help you find the things that you'll find that are right for you.
Looking forward to learning more about you and how things are going.
Ativan

I tried to change my hair earlier. I stood in front of a mirror and ignored my face as much as I could. I didn't get it to any state I liked and almost got a point of upsetting myself about it. I want to look more female, or less male, but I'm so worried I'm going to fail at it.

I feel trapped in my body. I'm in tears. I don't think I can do this.

Be wary of anyone who is, not all of them understand non-binary, some even let their own personal feelings get in the way.
But you'll know right away is it isn't going to work, but at the same time, it can take a couple sessions to get it rolling.

Good advice...first therapist kept calling me he and thought I wanted to play dress up

Go to one who understands and respects you.

Everybody goes through "I can't do this" look at before ano after. There are some that came further than they ever imagined I'm sure.

Best wishes
Stevie

I'm in tears. I can't keep myself composed at all.

Friend we have all filled buckets. Chill..you don't need to do it all at once...get a therapist..

Alexi,
Remember to breathe.  Stop trying to fix anything and breathe in for a count of three, hold for a count of three, exhale for a count of three.  Do it again and do it again.  You will feel calm coming into the chaos.  None of is us perfect, we are all human becomings.

Till you manage to get in to see someone, it will be almost impossible to change very much.

Self will cannot fix this, acceptance can.  Breath babe, it gets better, nothing stays the same for very long.  You are young and beautiful regardless of how you feel at the moment.  Breathe .....

Love,
Julie

Alexi

While we are not standing in your shoes, many of us have been in a very similar place.  It was this that caused many of us to take a step, to seek to understand and to address our situation.  The only thing that is certain is that if you do nothing then nothing will change.  Presentation and lives do not transform on a wish or a whim.  Work is required.  There is always a way forward.  There is no timetable or destination.  Set your pace and your direction.

Step back.  Breathe.  Look into your eyes.  Your soul is there.  Love your self.  You are beautiful.  You are unique and you are far stronger than you think.  You will move forward and your life will get better.  Believe and breathe.  Honor yourself.  Give yourself a chance then move forward.

We can listen, support and advise but we cannot do this for you.


Safe travels

Aisla

Has anybody else felt like disowning their body? It's hard to explain, but I don't feel attached to it sometimes. It's like I don't recognize it. I'm not sure if I feel comfortable with it but I know it'll take lots of work to become comfortable with it.

I think I've found a hairstyle I like and found some clothes to suit it too; best thing is is that I feel comfortable about those.

Being in the wrong body is what dysphoria is all about.  It's wrong, it doesn't fit, looking in the mirror is like a distorted illusion.  Almost killed me.  Acknowledging that was the first step to authenticity.  Take that one, knowing that your instincts are correct, and that a solution can be sought, and you are on your way to a different way of living.  It's both a scary hard thing and a good thing.

Quote from: Alexi on August 01, 2014, 06:05:32 PM
I think I've found a hairstyle I like and found some clothes to suit it too; best thing is is that I feel comfortable about those.

Alexi

Well done. Only up from here

Aisla

I'm struggling. I'm distressed beyond words.

You need a Therapist right now. Many have suggested it already and it needs to be your first step at this point. Until you confront your inner self and get it out in the open you will continue with these ups and downs. Hair tips will not work. Clothing tips will not work. Makeup tips will not work. You need to talk to a professional NOW if you ever hope to get these feelings under control. Most of us have been in your shoes and so we know what we are talking about. Please increase your search for a therapist as you are too close to the edge right now. At this point it is the only logical step you can take. You have us to come to and talk, but we can only do so much. Good luck.  :)

I am in a agreement with Jessica and others in therapist.

Nothing else matters if you do not enjoy those moments.

Gender therapist is the first step in this very hard and long path you are walking.

Do a search in your area for help.
Hugs

Alexi,.. You found a therapist, I am assuming you made an appointment.
Not to long ago, there was a person who repeatedly made new topics and always centered the conversations around themselves and their self pity.
Whenever we gave advice, this person chose to ignore it and turn the conversation into one of simply woe is me.
This went on for some time, and although quite a few people responded with kind and informational answers, that person chose to ignore them.
As time went on, less and less people responded.
Eventually, their story became one of new topics that were simply woe is me kind of thinking.
Even then we kept up with very kind, yet firm answers of what we thought were the best answers we had.
No matter what we said, we were ignored and there were new topics and then simply post after post of feel sorry for me, yet no real response to our comments other than to turn them around and elicit even more self pity.
It's still pretty raw for many of us, it wasn't that long ago. We all have our problems, some worse than others, but we do.
Before this turns into another version of being jealous of our lives, know that we work with people on their problems and do have certain expectations of trying to move forward.
I don't want this to turn into another self pity kind of conversation, some of us gave all we had and in return had our lives, based on an assumption of living the good life thrown back at us.
Please don't do this, losing people to their own grief and problems can be to much on us.
None of us, very few can tell you that everything is just fine with their lives.
We can give you the best advice that people who are struggling themselves can give, we live it everyday.
Your very first comments and several since have been asking for pity.
We understand that, we feel the same way at times, for some, all the time.
But telling you 'hugs' and telling you things will get better do nothing to actually get you to a better place, it's simply a recognition that you are having problems as well.
The advice to see a therapist was given because of some of your first comments.
It sounded like you had found one.
My question is, did you make an appointment? And how far away is it from today?
Struggling with your presentation will not help the feelings you're having, no matter how much you wish they would.
You need a solid foundation to be able to build on, to better achieve the things you are having a hard time with.
Your frustrations are in your way. You need a guide, someone who can help you find your way.
We're not therapists. We are people just like you, trying to find our way.
Our success stories and advice that works is because we have been there.
You're asking, in a sense, what you should do for a presentation. It can wait.
You need to dig into just what your frustrations are and find a direction with a therapist.
Many of us do, I see one every week as I have for the last five years.
Invaluable to me, I couldn't get through each week without her.
I'm losing her in a few more weeks and will start with a new one, but I won't be starting over.
I have a good foundation under me and will use that to work with my next therapist.
There is going to be a learning curve for us both until we know enough about each other to move forward with therapy once again.
In short, we all have our problems and until we have a foundation and have learned on the curve of each others lives, we don't know what else to say.
This, as weird as it might sound, can be a trigger for things that are even bigger problems for us.
It's why we seldom talk very much about how hard it is and concentrate on what the problems are and how are we going to move forward.
It's not our choice to turn from pity, it is a necessary thing to keep our own problems at a level we can deal with.
We know very little about you, we have very little to go on.
You need to open up and understand we will help, but we can't stop our own progress and have a pity party for each person who comes here.
Have you made an appointment? How soon is it? You need to keep the progress rolling forward so ours can too, if you need our help.
I know it's hard to talk about your personal life, but just saying you feel this or that in a down way gives us nothing to work with.
We're more than just a place to find sympathy, we are about support.
Real honest to goodness support that has real honest to goodness results.
I understand you are feeling down, but you have to give to get.
Why are you down? Not the easy answer, the real look at yourself and explain it to us answer.
It's not tough love, it's the only practical way we can help. We help by giving the best advice we have as a group.
We've banded together to get over the pity me and choose to move forward.
We want to help and help is getting you to move forward.
The question of 'what's it going to take' is not meant to be hard, it is practical and keeps our own problems from becoming harder.
We can't get to emotionally invested in you if you won't let us help you move forward.
What's it going to take?
It's an honest question to how you're feeling, a question we need the answer to, to be able to honestly help instead of emotionally dragging ourselves down to help you.
And we really honestly do want to help. Help us to help you. It's how it works here, we help each other.
We don't have a therapist on hand to answer the questions you need to move forward, but we do have some pretty smart people who do understand problems in their own way.
Sooner or later one of them is going to be true for you, but please give us more to work with here.
I hear a cry of pity and think this person is going to off themselves. That hurts to the very core of many of us here.
Don't be the trigger that that can cause this, be the person who wants to move forward.
We'll help you to move those mountains, but we can't do it alone, without your help.
You'd be surprised at what can be accomplished here by opening up a little and working with us to help you move forward, to stay on track, to move those mountains of crap that life is sometimes about.
We've been there and done that, and want to share.
That's what support is about, and we're good at it.
We want you to be good at it to, we get the bad feelings, we have them too. Everyday for some of us.
We keep on sharing and helping, just the same.
You get out of this what you put into it.
When is your appointment with the therapist you found?
That person I was talking about? We haven't given up on them, we're waiting for them to move forward so we can help.
They're still here, letting us know they are thinking on this. It's hard for them, it was hard on us. We all have our work cut out for us.
What are you going to do today to help yourself move forward?
Ativan

That hurt to read so I avoided responding.

Yet you responded anyway.

Only to avoid answering any of the questions.

Ativan is wise, you could learn a few things from them. Ativan didn't write all that out with the intention of hurting you - no, Ativan only wants to help you, as they have helped many others before you.

The big bad world out there isn't going to care for your feelings. The big bad world won't think to apologize if they accidentally trample on your feelings.

That's how it is. That's life. It's called reality.

I've been called a freak, that I would be a mutilated woman, that nobody would hire me, that nobody would love me, that I would die alone ... all this from my family members lashing out in fear.

Yes, my family members.

If I had Ativan giving me advice when I was struggling at the bottom of the pit, it would sting but it would open my eyes to the truth.

Don't close your eyes - don't turn the other cheek.

Support is available always but not if you will avoid the problem. It's up to you now.

It hurt to write it.
It also hurts me to read it again.
But it is an offer of a helping hand to help you move forward to a better place than you seem to have been.
Yah, it might be a tough read, but people here want to see you moving forward.
I do.
Writing it hurt because it also reveals that we all have our problems.
Not something that is easy to talk about in some ways, despite not being specific about them, it is hard.
But I want you to know that we can help you move forward in the ways that are of your own decision.
I fully expected to have many negative reactions to it, it was tough, and it was meant to be.
Sometimes it takes a little harder push than what a person is asking for, to help them move forward to even better ways that we can be of help.
It wasn't meant personally hurt you, but rather to let you know we can help you to a better place, in the ways we have learned from each other.

Still, I have heard that since it was written that you are indeed moving forward.
To hear that isn't a justification, it is indeed simply good to hear.
I take it that you are moving ahead with a therapist, which hopefully will be an asset on your journey in life.
I am sorry if it hurt, and I was aware of that when I wrote it.
It hurts in ways that are hard to define when all we have to go on are statements that cry out in agony.
Instead of sympathy, it was an attempt to help you by extending not just a helping hand, but to grab ahold and pull you up.
If you are indeed moving forward then it did accomplish what the intentions were, to help you step up and to move forward.
You have many people here who are ready to help you through these tough times.
Have you had your first appointment with your therapist yet?
Ativan

Quote from: Alexi on August 05, 2014, 10:07:30 AM
That hurt to read so I avoided responding.

The truth always hurts initially until we realize that we need to deal with things and become adults. We are all like extended family members here and Ativan is loaded with wisdom from having been through the crucible and having their own issues hammered on the anvil of life's harsh experience until the dross has fallen away and we can safely say that Ativan is regarded here by many as a wizened sage who cares for each of us in a compassionate and loving manner.

I haven't initially responded much to you Alexi, because though I've been around awhile I don't deal well with drama and resist commenting as it will only come out hurtful, but believe me I have been on your side cheering for you in hopes that you would wake up and pay attention to what's been offered here and then begin to take responsibility for yourself my moving ahead. You're not the only person that has come here and needed a compassionate attitude adjustment and no doubt you will not be the last. I hope that eventually you will be able to give someone else a lift and a little cyber hug too some day. My best to you Alexi!

I got a therapist. We're meeting in the afternoon.

This indeed very good to hear!
Let us now how it went, after you have had time to reflect on it.
It is of course your personal choice to comment, but it is exciting to hear!
The first steps can sometimes feel like the horizon isn't getting any closer,
but know that they are some of the the biggest steps you will take in your continuing journey.
Be open and honest, give your therapist the chance to do the same.
Hoping they are a good fit for you,
Ativan

I didn't speak to for too long or about too much, or in too much detail. They asked me about how I felt about myself and the things I thought about myself. It lasted about an hour before making another appointment, but I was told not to expect too much yet. I felt nervous before I went to it, but I'd feel worried if I didn't feel that!

Ahhh sweetie you listened to those who have been there done that didn't you?  Good for you!!!!

I just moved up my next therapy appt.

All I can tell you is this - it helped me, and it saved everything.  And the people here have carried me in their arms many times.

Good for you.  Keep digging, as they say racing, you just took the green flag.

Listen to the sages here, listen to all of them, there is wisdom in this place, great wisdom, greater even than dysphoria.

Some day, you too will be able to say "I love you" in the mirror.  It took me years, but it happened nonetheless, and the reason it took so long was because I didn't deal with it when I was young, I needed help and I did not feel worthy.  I was incorrect...

You have been given a gift, little one, inside is a blessing and the sun and stars.... and the gift..... is you

:)

Quote from: Alexi on August 08, 2014, 03:09:42 PM
I didn't speak to for too long or about too much, or in too much detail. They asked me about how I felt about myself and the things I thought about myself. It lasted about an hour before making another appointment, but I was told not to expect too much yet. I felt nervous before I went to it, but I'd feel worried if I didn't feel that!

Ahh,.. the 'honeymoon' phase of therapy...
It does take more than a couple sessions before things really click when they are going to.
If you felt good enough to make another appointment, then I take it is good between you two.
It gets easier each time. It gets better each time.
One hour, which is really 45-50 minutes isn't a lot of time to get to know each other and how it will work between you two.
Which is going to be different for everyone. Putting trust into your conversations makes things much smoother.
Know that you can trust your therapist.
Trust goes a long ways, it's a two way street.
I hope this works to help you, you deserve to be the best you can be.
I've gone through several therapist over the years, I see one each week. I'm losing her, and starting a new one.
It's going to be a nervous thing for me until I get to know her.
At least we are all getting together in a couple weeks, my therapist I have now, and my new one.
A smoother transition that way. kinda cuts the 'honeymoon' period to a minimum.
You hang in there
Ativan

What else should I be aware of as I begin to transition? Are there things I should or might expect, or is it a different experience for everybody?

You should be fully aware of just what you want and expect a transition to be.
This is where a therapist comes into play.
They should be your guide, helping you to find the right path for your journey.
There are other issues that life brings up, they should be able to help you integrate them into what you want.
It is essentially a different experience for everyone, but there are going to be paths most likely that others have used.
But there are many paths, you might use some of them, it depends on you.
This is one time in your life that it is all about you, all of it.
Because you are on your way to being the true you, the individual you are.
It's a tough road for many, the reason vary, there are to many to write about and I don't want to give you any preconceived ideas.
You're on your own in one sense, but in another, there are many people on those same paths and you might find each other.
This forum is one place to find them, a good and safe place for you.
I guess I would imagine that everyone could be seen as on the sides of those paths, cheering you on, yelling out their own advice to you.
But be prepared for things to feel as if they are going wrong, it does happen and we all have had doubts at one time or another.
My advice right now is that you get back out of it what you put into it.
It takes determination, be willing to go for what you think is best for you.
There is going to be times that you will have to step past your comfort zone, but know that it grows with you and is always right there for you to step back into when you need to, when you just want to.
This is your time, your opportunity to be who you really are and not someone elses expectations.
So how hard it is is up to you. How easy it is is up to you.
Stay in touch here and most certainly ask any and all the questions you have.
The better the question, the better the answer.
There is a lot of information here, try the search box in the upper right corner of every page your on.
A lot to take in, so take your time and use it wisely.
There are a lot of people here who can share parts of their experiences, even some to help guide you along.
It makes me happy that you're here, asking questions. It makes a lot of us happy to see you here.
This is one way that it all starts to come together, others have started to find themselves here just like you're doing right now.
Ativan

I haven't been coping at all well. I've been unable to sleep and am feeling hopeless and deeply miserable. I get frightened about all sorts of things and I'm not sure I'm ever going to "pass" as androgynous. Loneliness is incredibly hard to cope with too.

We are happy you are here.  Rest in this.  Passing is just being, not worrying.  Living.  As do you. See your therapist...they can help.  The beginning can be scary but all beginnings are, and then we are free, and we soar.

But get off the presentational worries dear, that is not helping you, find your truth of who you are, and unconditionally accept them and love them.  Learn to love who you are, and all the rest will follow.

This phone is a mess

Editted and reposted 2 posts up from here.  Cell phones change what I say

Quote from: Satinjoy on August 25, 2014, 06:23:07 PM
Find your truth of who you are, and unconditionally accept them and love them.  Learn to love who you are, and all the rest will follow.

Confidence is in knowing your own truths, the ones that make you unique.
That is the one thing that nobody can ever take away from you.
That is the one thing that nobody can ever use against you.
That is the greatest strength of all...
Knowing yourself.
Ativan

Hey Alexi, you ok?  What's going on little one.... sometimes we need to outlast things that feel like they last forever and won't.  Feelings change, they pass.  Believe me.

Dypshoria can hurt but it gets way better after professionally treated, most of us don't hurt much and have joy

You can have joy, even if you don't believe it, its true

You ok?  Do I have to chase you into the forest for the creatures to love you up?

You deserve loving up you know.  We all do.

Hang in there dear little one, I hope you don't mind the little, but I don't think you have the many decades I do behind me in your life experience

Outlast it for a moment, just for this moment, and see the beauty in your eyes, whether you believe it or not, it is there.

Never give up.

I don't like the thought of people being worried, but I know I can't stop other people being worried. I've been in a severe depression for a month and it doesn't seem to be loosening its grasp any time soon. It's made worse only by not having anyone to speak to and feeling utter despair. I haven't got the years, or decades, Satinjoy has, so maybe it's not surprising everything is bleak.

I don't live in an area safe enough to live as I'd want, and it makes it so much worse in so many ways. I don't value my life or existence, and I've suffered through so many other things that the pain becomes numbing. I tried to do so much better for so many people, but I'm not worth it and I could help them by instead not being there and by not existing.

You're worth it to me...
Your statement of helping people by not existing is so wrong...
It simply isn't true. It really is just the opposite.
What have you been suffering through?
Who and what have you been trying to do so much better about and for?
I refuse to think that your not worth it.
You are not of any help to anyone if you are thinking that your existence isn't worth it me, to others right here.
You are worth far more than you know right now.
Just the fact that I'm commenting to you is reason enough to know you have worth.
PM me if you want to, I'm right here.
Ativan

Quote from: Alexi on August 27, 2014, 06:33:48 PM
I don't like the thought of people being worried, but I know I can't stop other people being worried. I've been in a severe depression for a month and it doesn't seem to be loosening its grasp any time soon. It's made worse only by not having anyone to speak to and feeling utter despair. I haven't got the years, or decades, Satinjoy has, so maybe it's not surprising everything is bleak.

I don't live in an area safe enough to live as I'd want, and it makes it so much worse in so many ways. I don't value my life or existence, and I've suffered through so many other things that the pain becomes numbing. I tried to do so much better for so many people, but I'm not worth it and I could help them by instead not being there and by not existing.

Thing is people we come in contact in a forum becomes family. Family cares for each other without judgement.

I wish you to think of what you need to shake the pain? The darkness?

How about your therapist for help?

For right now forget about labels and think more on as a human what do you see yourself doing 10 years from now.

Trying to say we live life for tomorrow based in happiness. I have always so hated labels and live a life as i choose best on being a human. Not trying to fit a mold. Just being oneself.

Remember family is here and you are a valuable member of our family.

Hugs

Hey there little one.

People don't nickname like that if they don't care, not a nice nickname like that one, like its my own kid.

I came from central ny, in the cow country, and I know what its like.  My dad is alcoholic and yelled all the time at mom before he passed out every night.  I know the name calling, I was born androgyn, and nobody could figure out my gender when I was in my teens.  The boys were rather cruel.  Actually very cruel, but I learned to face them down, make them feel like ->-bleeped-<- because I would not believe they were right.  Something inside knew they were wrong.  But I believed some of that, and I had to unlearn it.

Right after graduation I got into a community theater and found out that what had been bad, was valued.  My first show I landed the lead, Christ in Godspell.  Nobody cared about gender, they just had fun, and were accepting.  I did a hundred shows in a row and wound up making the Broadway union, and working off broadway in NY.

But I had to get to that place...

You should have seen the face of those bas...rds when I rode by them in a fiat spyder with the top down and a blond next to me that looked like a star, breathtaking.  This me, the one nobody would date.  (not the blond, I was the guy back then.)  If I hadn't been a drunk, I would have married her.  Their mouths fell open as they had to injest their big feet when I drove by.

Years later I crawled out of a condemned apartment in Harlem - me the kid from cow country, one of about 5 people defying the race barrier to be there - and with the shakes of withdrawl I went for a free coffee in AA and got sober.  Unloveable.  They loved me up instead, and stayed with me until I could learn to love myself enough to give me a chance.  A smelly drunk from a condemned hotel appt building in a nightmare neighborhood in NYC.

Little one, I have cars, a house, a motorcycle, I race professionally, I am a Broadway level actor, I help people and help save lives in AA, and reach out to my loved ones here, in this family.  And I just blew anonymity now, that was too many hints.  My body is female, my wife is stacked and very beautiful, and I have it all.  But I was willing to trade all I had to be TS. 

You could not have told me I was worth anything when I was young, when I believed the bully's, when I bought in on their bull->-bleeped-<-.  Nor could I have understood I would be able to leave that small town, and eventually head for greenwich village, to be a star.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have said I would become part of the union of the stars, and rub elbows with them at the broadway auditions.  All I could see was myself, and I believed the line of crap from the bullies, who know jack->-bleeped-<- about life, and will never overcome or help anyone but their own selfish, stupid selves.

So, you say you are worthless.  You helped me this morning by remembering who I am, who I was, who You are, and who you could be.  Maybe not a star, but you can be a star in here.  You have over 1300 reads on this thread.... how many people are looking to help?  1300 is a lot of reads, you are the most important person on the forum right now.  I never had 1300 reads.  Don't be scared, its mostly the same 25 people reading it and following it, because THEY CARE.  The NB's are a small group, but very tight, and fiercely protective of each other.

You need a good therapist, you will eventually get the environment change, and you will discover you are not only loveable, but important, another survivor that is trans, courageous, vibrant and alive, caring for others.  That is your destiny my child, that is your promise, fix your eyes on that, and let us love you until you can love yourself.  Outlast the temporary feelings, I know they don't feel temporary, you are young, but they are, they will pass, all you have to do is get through right now.  Not tomorrow, just now.  And give yourself a big hug from Satinjoy, another one that cares.

If I could crawl out of that hotel and live, surely you can get through today my dear.  I am no different from you at the core, whatever your gender may be.  We are trans, we are strong, we are valuable, and we love each other and stick together.

--Satinjoy

Depression isn't something that is easily beat.
I know this is true, I'm clinically depressed.
Not sad, not having a hard time, there isn't anything that has caused it, it just is.
It's a common misconception that you can just 'fix' it.
You don't 'just' anything about it.
It's not a simple mood, mood swing, it isn't even something emotional.
Those are all the results or symptoms of clinical depression.
Fixing them isn't going to fix depression, it only fixes what you think is a fix for it.
Here's a short article from HufPo, a very condescended version of it...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/26/depression-frustrations_n_5692649.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular
Here's the link to WikiWhatever for it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder

Depression is a very tricky thing to learn to deal with, but it can be done.
Most often, the advice of others does nothing, but every once in a while, that advice might trigger something else that can either make it worse or better, you just never know, because it is never the same from one person to the next, or even from one hour to the next.
Those of you who think you are clinically depressed, probably aren't.
It takes a lot to actually be diagnosed with it, most people confuse it with extreme sadness, even a short term sadness.
It's not sadness, that's something entirely different. Sadness is only one symptom of it.
There's also some very different levels of depression, just like there is for being simply sad.
It manifests itself in ways that you might not even recognize as depression, it is that tricky to nail it down.
This is one big reason you don't just take a whatever antidepressant and call it a day.
Most of the time, those will help relieve some of the symptoms, maybe enough for talk therapy to help.
Most of the time, it never goes away, you learn different coping mechanisms to deal with it.
If you're lucky enough, you learn enough that people will stop the 'get over it' advice that is so often given.
Most often, simple advice is like telling someone their broken leg is just something to get over and you should just walk it off.
Dysphoria? Just walk it off, just get over it... It sounds the same to a depressed person.
While that works pretty much for someone who is sad, even profoundly sad, it doesn't work for depression, real depression.
While I applaud the efforts and the kindness of others to help, and it does in the short term sometimes, it will never stop it.
I have my own set of coping mechanisms that work for me, they won't all work for anyone else.
Some might, that's how I learned about them.
For someone who is depressed, they have to find the ones that will work for them.
Dysphoria has a lot of the same elements in it as does depression, and the symptoms overlap somewhat.
But they are two different things and the symptoms need to be addressed separately, even when they appear to be the same.

There used to be a time, for a long time in fact, that I would simply walk away from anyone trying to give me advice for it.
Not because I was being an ass about it, and I was called that because of it, but because it actually caused me physical pain to hear it.
Another symptom that most people don't associate with major or clinical depression.
It really is there, I take meds for depression, I take meds for the physical symptoms as well.
I also use a share of my therapist weekly time to talk about it every fricken week. Every week.
For five years I have been on a steady diet of meds and talk therapy, and I'm also on a steady diet of HRT, which does help me, maybe not the next person though...

Even reading the two articles above will only give you a glimmer of what it feels like, and a lot of you should know this is true.
Reading an article or wikiwhatever isn't going to make anyone understand dysphoria, unless they can actually relate to it because they experience it.

It's a very real, very hard thing to deal with. I use dysphoria as an example, because a lot of us can relate to that.
But not everyone can. I hear the same things that people give as advice for that that isn't helping as well.
It took meds or HRT and talk therapy to be able to face it and then start the process to recover enough to face the world again.
HRT takes care of a lot of dysphoria right away, but not all of it, there are always lingering traces, there are for most of us.
Depression is even worse in how debilitating it can be, there isn't a cure...
Only keeping it under control. I can after years of trying different meds and therapy. I keep it at arms length from me most days.
Most days... Some days I don't even have to think about it, I'm lucky that way.
A lot of people secretly keep it hidden away, because the advice that doesn't help, it hurts that people could think you can wish it away with some magical advice from some swami guru's book of knowledge.
Doesn't work that way.
It can help, but know that it probably won't, just makes it worse.

So I applaud peoples efforts, but know that simple advice rarely does any kind of long term help with it.
The best advice is to calmly let a person know you realize that something might be wrong.
Seeking professional help is always good advice, because far to many people think they can beat it because of all the 'good' advice they hear.
I took a lot of that to heart and it is all good advice, I use a lot of it, but not for depression, sadness maybe, just maybe.
But most of it is just generally good advice for life in general and it is appreciated and I did learn a lot from it.
But know that it never ever did anything to stop the real thing that was wrong, real depression, major or clinical.

Most people who are suffering from true depression have know idea the extent it has taken over their lives.
They want to believe that almost anything will help, wanting to avoid the stigma towards antidepressants and therapy.
Because of the stigma that society places on you.
You hear it all the time, the whispers, 'they're depressed...'
You rarely hear that about lesser things like broken bones and other things that can and do heal in time.
Mental disorders are like a voodoo curse.
You have one and people treat you like they will catch it, or worse yet just turn their back on you because they can't fix it for you.
Of course they can't, it doesn't work that way.
The very best thing you can do is to acknowledge it and accept it.
I have to, I have no other choice.
It's either accept it for what it is or off myself.
Tried that, it didn't work out so well...
(*Yah, I know, it triggers me too.)

I can't let it go, but you can, it's mine, not yours.
But the one small thing that is so huge that you can do is to not stop your love, not to withhold it from someone who is depressed.
It's the very best thing you can do.
It's a sign that you have that kind of respect for what I or anyone else is going through.
We do that here with a lot of gender related problems and depression is a very real problem for a lot of us here, it comes with the territory it seems.
I see the love we have in comments around here all the time, we are good at it.
Really good.
Just thought you might like to know what you're up against when you know someone is depressed.
Just being there is the best thing you can do.
Let the people who are depressed know you won't give up on them.
I won't.
I can't.
I have no choice in this, I have to.
If I do give up, I give up on myself, the worst thing that I could do to me, a person who is clinically depressed.
Ativan

Makes worried I'll do more harm than good.

But I know we all care deeply about Alexi, and Ativan too.

I had to put two of my kids into the mental hospital for anxiety and depression when the family was being stalked by the sex predator.

It hurt to do that, but it was the best thing I could have done for them at the time.

They are much better now than before.  They had been in a scary place, a dangerous place.  They wanted out.

They are beautiful children, people talk about it a lot, sweet young adults now.

But I can't imagine how clinical depression goes, and my heart goes out to both of you.  I just hope I don't ever trigger anyone in a bad way.  I don't know if I did that or not.  The heart was right though. 

I just want to offer my hope, love, and support.

I have to get one of the kids back to a psychiatrist again, for anxiety.  Now.  It comes and goes for her.  Its a pain in the butt.  Anxiety and depression.  She's been off meds, now she needs some again.

But the love of our family for each other has seen us through for a long time. 

This place, right here, right now,  is a family.

We love you.  We love both of you, Ativan, and Alexi, you are our family here.

If it makes the tinyest difference, I hope that helps.   We truly care, and a lot.

I'm going to need some time to digest the most recent replies, I hope nobody minds. I stared into a mirror earlier and imagined myself as I want to be, but it seems further away, further adrift than ever. It's finding the easiest place to begin that's most difficult, nevermind trying to find my actual self.

I'm meeting my therapist again, but I've not told them about my thoughts and my MD prefers that I continue with therapy and won't prescribe antidepressants. Depression isn't anything unfamiliar, I've suffered bouts of it for a long time, and been diagnosed, but it's controlling it that's the hardest, especially without people for physical support.

Talk therapy is better than meds.
Let your therapist know, they need to know what is going on in your life.
They are your guide, the person who can help the most.
Meds take the edge off, not all that much more.
Sometimes they are needed, but your therapist can help get more to the heart of it.
I'm here, as are others.
You're not alone in this. Take the time you need.
It's nice to see you back again today.
I will see my new therapist today, this afternoon.
It's going to be like starting over again, but I have a good base under me now, so it should go pretty smoothly.
I've met her, I think she'll work out just fine.
I'll be in and out all day, gone for a few hours this afternoon, so PM if you'd like, I'm here.
Ativan

Quote from: Alexi on August 28, 2014, 11:16:22 AM
I've suffered bouts of it for a long time, and been diagnosed, but it's controlling it that's the hardest, especially without people for physical support.

We are here anytime for your support.

Hugs

I can't do it. I really can't do it. I hope I didn't worry anybody, I had an anxiety attack because of a trigger.

Hey there my friend

The anxiety attack will pass, we are here for you

I had one too.   Yesterday.  It happens.

Stay on the forum... lean on us... we'll be here....we are here.....

I have to get off the forum at the moment I am at work.  My pm's still get to me, I may not be much help, but pm me, Ativan - they have more experience, lots more, Mrs Izzy... I have done the overnight thing before on anxiety attacks where the forum carried me if I couldn't do it myself.  I need the forum too....

I can't do it either Alexi, but I am still here....that's why we all need each other so much

Warmest hugs right now to you....

Quote from: Alexi on August 28, 2014, 11:39:17 PM
I can't do it. I really can't do it. I hope I didn't worry anybody, I had an anxiety attack because of a trigger.

That's ok.  If you're not ready, you're not.
Remember though, often things seem far more difficult than they actually are.  But getting to the point of trying and doing - that can be paralysing.  We've all been there.

I've been taking more ativan (lol, Lorazepam) than usual, but my personal life has warranted it.
Depression can and does trigger anxiety attacks that don't seem to have a reason behind them...
Breath, breath, breath...
Slow deep breathes, long and slow.
Best thing to bring it down to a level that's workable.
Ativan

I'm in so much pain that I feel paralyzed. I have nowhere to go and nobody to ask for help. I'm silently screaming and I know nobody is going to help. I don't know what to write any more.

Just staying in touch with us is good enough dear.  Doesn't matter what you write.  Just matters that you know we collectively are here for you, and we can see when you are here.

I will be off forum for the weekend, I always am, but the others stay on the forums.

But I will be thinking of you while I am off.

One or many of us will be here on the forum.  You are not alone.  There are others that understand better too.

I scream inside too sometimes.  I just don't show it.

I am sorry you feel bad.

But we are here.  We care, and we are here.  And you are here too.

I'm in floods of tears and alone. I should be at ER but I know nobody could help. It only seems to help if you're actually dying, or have broken a bone or something physically serious.

Does the hospital you would go to the ER at, have a psyche unit, or any kind of psychiatric care available?
Some hospitals aren't equipped for this, they aren't always available.
Are you in the country or a small town?
You might have to travel to a larger hospital, most cities do have psyche care available.
I know in my area, if I go to the hospital that is under my insurance, they have zero, zip, none, nope, no psyche care there.
If I go in in the other direction, I go to a small city that does have a psyche unit and follow up care.
It really would help me to know where you are, there might be possible places and people I can contact to help you...
PM me with this if you want, no need to post it on the board.
I know it's hard to trust something like this to a stranger, but I'm no stranger to what you're going through.
Check out if there is a hospital close enough that they have psyche care available.
Also look by doing a google search to see if there are any trans support groups in your area.
They could be very helpful.
I don't know what else to tell you right now, but if you feel like you might need professional help, then you do.
Ativan

SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINES

LGBT Specific Resources:
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline
Toll-free 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)
Monday to Friday, 4 p.m. to midnight (Eastern); Saturday, noon – 5 p.m. (Eastern)
The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline provides telephone and email peer-counseling,
as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.

The Trevor Project
1-866-488-7386
http://www.thetrevorproject.org
The Trevor Project focuses on crisis and suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender
and questioning youth.

General Suicide Prevention Hotlines:

National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-TALK
For Hearing and Speech Impaired with TTY Equipment: TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
Are you feeling desperate, alone or hopeless? Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255),
a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you.

Red Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio: 1-888-628-9454
Cuando usted llama al número 1-888-628-9454, su llamada se dirige al centro de ayuda de nuestra red
disponible más cercano. Cuando el centro contesta su llamada, usted estará hablando con una persona que
le escuchará, le hará preguntas y hará todo lo que esté a su alcance para ayudarlo.

1-800-SUICIDE: Kristin Brooks Help Center, 1-800-784-2433
1-800-SUICIDA: Spanish speaking suicide hotline (800) 784-2432, 1-800-SUICIDA
Connects callers with a network of local crisis centers.

Vet2Vet
Veterans peer support line (877) 838-2838, 1-877-Vet2Vet
Veteran peer counselors and certified crisis centers take these specialized calls for law enforcement and veterans specifically.

Quote from: Alexi on August 30, 2014, 02:27:31 PM
I'm in floods of tears and alone. I should be at ER but I know nobody could help. It only seems to help if you're actually dying, or have broken a bone or something physically serious.

Not true the ER and Mental health ward help get me out of that darkness. Gave me a safe place to be and have staff and others to talk to.

Depression is a very strong medical condition that needs to be handled by one self or with the help of medical professionals.

Please as i said to you go seek the help.

Please it truly is not the solution to the pain. There is a life after major depression and GD.

Go please you know in your heart i am right and help is just a phone call away.

Love you.
Hugs
Isabell

the ER saved my life when I hit bottom

Yes alexi go to the psych er.  I did it with my kids it helped them big. Time.  Satinjoy

Alexi

Please take advice. Please suspend your disbelief. Know that we care.  We are survivors.  We have good lives.  You deserve the same.  Believe.

Safe travels

Aisla

Hon, I know that people have varying experiences with hotlines, but the Trevor Project is especially for younger people in the LGBT spectrum. Those people are in OUR community. Many have been where you have been. I urge you to call someone.

I remember a time when it was all I could do to get through the day--and I had to do it a few minutes at a time. It was excruciating to live in fifteen-minute blocks. People who haven't been there simply can't imagine it. Not really.

You already know that we care and that someone is on the site twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. But you need more than the site. Hotlines, support groups, therapists can all give you strength. But even they aren't always enough. If you are drowning, really drowning, please consider going to the ER. The most important thing is that you survive, be safe, be supported.

I got some sleep. It's broken sleep, but sleep. It's managed to relieve my anxieties and things don't seem so impossible, and much as I've tried to feel positive, I only tire myself. The Trevor Project is brilliant, and the people I've spoken to really do understand. It's amongst the only times I haven't felt judged, even though at times I feel like a terrible human being. They've understood me, even when I don't understand myself.

I didn't go to ER, not because I couldn't, but it doesn't have the facilities, and every other time I've been told I couldn't get help because they haven't got specialized care.

I'm really glad you were able to talk to somebody at Trevor's Project.

If you do end up needing to go to the ER, even if they don't have the right facilities, go anyway. At the very least, they'll be able to connect you with somewhere else that does. If the need is bad enough, they have to help you.

There was time I was lost, without help, and without the means to help myself. Long story short, I was sent by ambulance 40 miles away to a facility that did have the resources to treat me. And though I was seriously worried about not being able to afford it, I never had to pay a dime. There's so many more resources out there for you than you might think.

There is always an option, always somewhere you can turn to get the help you need. Susan's is one place, but you have so much more. Never think you don't have anywhere to go.

I look forward to the day where you can say you are genuinely happy. It will come, if you but let it come. :)

I'll take that as a good sign, Alexi.
Even broken sleep is good enough right now.
Don't worry to much about being positive.
I'm happy that you called the people at Trevor.
I get the feelings of being judged, and feelings like being a terrible person as well.
I kinda thought that your local hospital didn't have the right people to help.
Be sure to talk this over with you therapist.
I hope you don't feel anyone here has been judging you,
We really do care about you and want only the best for you as well...
Look into a hospital that does have help, the right people you can go and find help from.
The flood of tears is something that can help, don't worry about that, I still do at times...
Even now they still come sometimes for me as well. I don't like it, but I do accept them as something that happens.
You really do need to look into getting some help around there or elsewhere, find those people who can help.
This kind of depression is one that with the right people, you can beat it.
You deserve to have a better life and that's all we want you to do right now.
We're with you on this, there are some of us who know what it feels like.
We're here for you as well and know how important it is for you to find those people who can help, to be there for you in person.
Please work on finding them for yourself, OK?
I need to get some sleep myself. It's nice to know your working this out now.
Just know we're here for you, not judging you in any way, we really care.
Ativan

Quote from: Alexi on August 31, 2014, 04:49:04 AM
I got some sleep. It's broken sleep, but sleep. It's managed to relieve my anxieties and things don't seem so impossible, and much as I've tried to feel positive, I only tire myself. The Trevor Project is brilliant, and the people I've spoken to really do understand. It's amongst the only times I haven't felt judged, even though at times I feel like a terrible human being. They've understood me, even when I don't understand myself.

I didn't go to ER, not because I couldn't, but it doesn't have the facilities, and every other time I've been told I couldn't get help because they haven't got specialized care.

Sounds like you have now come to understand not everyone will judge.

Again we are all here to help and can reach out anytime of the day when you feel like your slipping.

Even though the ER does not have the resources and i think they mean transgender they should have doctors that can help in crisis when depression gets in a major issue. So they are also help in that aspect.

Hugs Alexi.
Izzy

My kids have been through this and it was hard for us to see them hurt.  Very hard.  But when we got them to the right place, after the internet search, after finding out who could help, our therapist helped clear the way to put them in a nice place where they had a little time off and got the help they needed.  They stayed as long as they wanted to.  Then, they came back home to us, feeling better, with some very helpful medication.  And we stayed with therapy.

A couple times we went to the ER and they were treated with some meds, felt better after a while, and went home, and then back to their therapists.  So they didn't need more than the visit to help.

Both are clinical anxiety and depression girls.  Both are ok.  It is something they live with, like I live with being an alcoholic.  We learn how to handle it.  It gets better, but it has to be treated by the pro's when its anxiety and depression.  That is so important.

Meanwhile, we are here for you.  I have been sneaking onto the forum because I want to support you, its really hard to do that at home.  No worries, you are worth it to me.

Keep checking in, keep working on getting to the pro's, I am sure Ativan has also been helping, and call that contact line they gave you that helped you.

And know we are here too, like Ativan said, some have the same stuff and really get it, some of us are SO's and we kind of get it, but really get it when it comes to getting help,  and we are here.

Warmest blessings my dear from Satinjoy.

Let us love you up.  Listen to the wisdom of the forum. 

the ER is  the best place when your that down. their job is to help

Main thing sweetie is that we are here for you.  Lots.  We care. You have lots of advice, and you know we are here, and that we care.

Blessings dear.
  When we can.  Someone is here.

I have to rest now...
We are here.  For you.

I'm too scared to "come out" too. I've been living alone for long, long periods of time. I thought I used to be comfortable being alone, but really, I'm not. I've tried the best I can to make friends, and still I've never been successful, though at least I tried. It's hard to describe, but sometimes you just know you don't belong, like you were a mistake and that, despite everything you've tried, that for the sake of everybody else, it's better if you just stop trying.

I wish I could find something to really hold on for.

I used too feel like that. Now I don't.  And we are here.

Stick with us.

Then don't worry so much about coming out...
You will when the time is right for you.
Right now, stabilizing the effects of depression should be your main concern, something to hold to.
Once you have that done, you will find other things you can hold onto, as well.
It's a tough thing to do when you're depressed and when anxiety takes hold...

You're not a mistake, but I know as well as many here, what that does feel like.
You're talking to people from here who understand that because we have gone through it as well.

Stabilize the depression, the anxiety and then dysphoria when you need to, in that order.
It does work, there are ways to do it.
I'd like, as well as so many others here would as well, to have those discussions with you when you are ready.
We will be here to talk about coming out, to talk about the things you want to talk about.
When you do know what you want to ask, when this depression is out of your way and you're ready...
And you will be. Those feeling you're going through are symptoms of depression.

Do everything you can to take care of it, it's hard, but once you start, it does get easier as you go along.
Stick with your therapist and talk about these things with them, they should be able to help you find the right professionals you need to take care of it.
I live with it each and every day, and it took finding the right meds, doses and coping skills to be able to continue on and have a better quality of life.
Follow this like a plan, an outline of your future. as who you want to be, as you see it as the way to live a good life, one that has certainty to it, one that has the quality you'd like.

Once you have a depression like this under control, and you can, there isn't a limit on how your life can be.
I know if feels pretty futile right now, geez do I ever, but you can do this.
Breath, take one step at a time. When it feels bad, breath... keep moving forward and you'll be there in no time and look back at this as a bump in the road.
It is hard to get this all started, but you have no choice. You need to work on getting this depression under control.
Trust yourself that you can and are going to do it.

It is one step at a time, no matter how hard it feels like it is to take each step.
But every step does bring you closer to your goals.
You will find friends along the way, you will be able to come out when it is your choice, when it is time for you.
Take this and own it, it yours to have, to be everything you have ever wanted to be.

Everyone who has ever felt trapped in the darkness of depression has taken the same hard to do steps in the beginning.
It really doesn't take very long before you feel like you're running with it.
But it does take making those first really hard steps to take to get there, I know.
I've taken them myself, just like others here you have talked with. Ask them...

Breath deeply and slowly, do it as much as it takes, and then step forward.
All the possibilities and more are waiting for you, just keep on stepping forward.
I wouldn't tell you this and neither would anyone else if it wasn't true.
I can say trust me until I can't say it anymore... Trust yourself that you can do this.

I know you can. I can feel it. I can see it. I know your going to fight this and keep moving forward.
Find the strength, it's there, the depression might be hiding it, but it is there.
It's always the first step that's the hardest, no matter what you do in life.
You know this is true, and it's true this time as well.

We're here, you can lean on us anytime you feel like it, anytime you want.
We'll be right there, right in step with you as you move forward.
I'd like you to trust in us, but I want you to trust yourself even more.
You can do this...
Ativan

Quote from: Alexi on August 31, 2014, 03:47:35 PM
I'm too scared to "come out" too. I've been living alone for long, long periods of time. I thought I used to be comfortable being alone, but really, I'm not. I've tried the best I can to make friends, and still I've never been successful, though at least I tried. It's hard to describe, but sometimes you just know you don't belong, like you were a mistake and that, despite everything you've tried, that for the sake of everybody else, it's better if you just stop trying.

I wish I could find something to really hold on for.

You have a friend here always.

I know it is hard getting past the loneliness.

I was married for 24 years and the last year with my X was like that, i was basically living each day just to breath. Even though we lived in the same house i felt so alone.

Again anytime you want to talk just give me a message. There is somehow we can find ways for you to get back in life. Its there and i am willing to help work on ways to make it happen somehow.

Hugs
Love ya
Isabell

I see you peeking at the board again my dear Alexi....

The fairy sees you in the forest, and smiles when sh'e does.

;)

Quote from: Satinjoy on September 03, 2014, 04:29:41 PM
I see you peeking at the board again my dear Alexi....

The fairy sees you in the forest, and smiles when sh'e does.

;)

I've been looking at some of the things I wrote. They're so depressing! I have a meeting with my therapist next week and my MD not soon after. Does anybody feel dissociated from their body? Is that unusual to feel? It's difficult to describe, but I'm hoping someone else might have felt the same. I'm still no closer to "coming out" and I can't find anyone to speak to who might understand.

It's weird, and it is really hard to describe, but once you know how it feels,..
It comes from stress, there are different levels, like with most things.
It is almost always temporary, but it can last from minutes to days.
Here's the wikiwhatever link for it, it kinda explains it, as so many wikithings kinda do...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)
It can be induced by stress very easily, it can also be from med side effects, or induced by mild hallucinogens.
Some say that the forest is a symptom, but that has never been proven and I don't care if it is...  ;)
Ativan

i've had this feeling that my body didn't really belong to me. i was not in the best state of mind whenever that happened.
learning to love my body as mine, the only one i have, has helped me.
i couldn't keep thinking that my body is a prison that i'm trapped in.
because that would make me imprisoned for life. transition or no transition.
because my body is still this one body no matter how much i change it.

in a mental health perspective, this isn't a very good symptom.
in any other perspective, it's not really that unusual, and probably a common symptom of a whole range of disorders. or substance use/abuse.

there's nothing weird about you, all that you're experiencing are just proofs that you're human.

don't worry too much about your posts being depressive. that happens all the time to many of us.
though i like to pretend that my life is all sunshine, so i try not to let all my moods shine through.

do consider though, to write something new with each post.
now we know you have a hard time handling stuff.
are there any words you can use to describe the feeling?
did something happen? or not happen?
how did that make you feel?

typing out these things can help just as much as talking to a therapist.
the anonymity of the internet has helped many when they were too scared to talk to any person face to face, or even on the phone.
share your feelings, your experiences, what is so difficult. instead of just saying that the future looks bleak. i think we all know that feeling.

i once took the risk, and told people here about my failure.
the response i got was validation.
you could try that too.
tell us why your future looks so bleak, and let us tell you that even this can be overcome.
give us a chance to give you some hope, now that you have a hard time finding this hope on your own.
i'm here for you too, from now on. i was only a little late because i haven't had time to sit down and read properly before.

and if the above was too much to read and remember, one last piece of advice:
answer ativan's questions. it will hurt, just like it hurts to remove a glass shard that keeps a wound from healing.
but it works. i know because i've tried it.

And don't get worried about saying anything wrong dear, just say.  Anything you want.

Yes that is me in that pic, and under my hand is a beard.  We can be anyone, and be beautiful.

You just have to realize that you are.

Blessings and Love

Satinjoy

I've been thinking a lot about different things but I never did write down any of it to look at if I needed to. It's typical of depression. I've felt not so physically depressed though, but neither happier. I'm still as lonely, but I'm feeling numb about it. I'm scared I'll look like a really horrible androgyne. I'm scared about getting older and if I'll still look androgyne, as much as I feel it. I'm scared of "coming out" but more scared of not. I'm scared of not finding clothes. I'm scared of "passing", and not be able to do it.

I'm going to work on my hair and try to find some advice about softening facial features. That does mean I'm going to need to tell someone and I can't find anybody I trust enough to tell.

:-\

You can trust the people here, ask the questions you have...
A lot of people are so helpful in so many different ways around here.
I can't give advice about hair... I just let mine grow since, well I don't really remember anymore.
Neither can I answer questions about softening facial features.
I have a face that shows my age, and it's very distinctly male after all those years of testosterone doing it's thing.
So I don't know how to answer a lot of questions, but there are people here who are interested and will have answers.
Trust the forum. Go and look at the areas that do deal with stuff like softening your features.
The general area has some good advice on a lot of things that you might want to try.
Hit the home button and then look down the list of different places that there are where a lot of questions are answered.
Ask all the questions about non-binary you want here, it's what it's for.
Some really good people who can help with a lot of that stuff.

But right now, I want to know that you are moving forward, that you will make the effort with your therapist and MD.
Happiness will come, a lot of people have come here to the forum not knowing, unhappy with life.
They have succeeded, as you will too...
It is just like I told you, one step at a time, you'll get there.
There are other people here who don't have anyone to confide in, so they do here as a way to help.
There are a lot of people who start out like that, but do gain the confidence they needed and do have friends.
There are people here who met here and now they are a part of their lives outside the forum...

I really like that you have looked back at your comments, you have a sense of how far you've come since the first one?
You should, you're doing good, trust us on this.
There are people here who are dying to give advice, you simply need to be engaged in the topics, or start a new one about your questions of how...
There are a lot of answers right here by people you can trust, just simply ask the questions.
I know things aren't the best yet, but they will get better, I promise.
Stick with therapy and think about low dose HRT for your dysphoria. It isn't for everyone, but you won't know if you don't try.
Once I started, things turned around for me in ways I didn't even think about. It might for you as well.
But stick with the plan, therapy and antidepressants to see you over this. You'll get there and most likely you will be able to stop the antidepressants.
You're several steps closer, keep taking them, one at a time, you'll get there.
A lot of us are looking forward to it.
Ativan

i'm really glad that i've written lots of stuff here. one thing is the responses i've gotten. people forcing me to think by showing me a different view of the world, often so fascinating that i can't help but try to climb another peak to find out what can be seen from there. and then there are my own posts, the thoughts of a person who was and still is me, but is also completely different from who i am now. seeing how i change was at first scary, but now i find it fascinating and inspiring.

Quote from: Alexi on September 04, 2014, 07:32:18 PM
I've been thinking a lot about different things but I never did write down any of it to look at if I needed to. It's typical of depression. I've felt not so physically depressed though, but neither happier. I'm still as lonely, but I'm feeling numb about it. I'm scared I'll look like a really horrible androgyne. I'm scared about getting older and if I'll still look androgyne, as much as I feel it. I'm scared of "coming out" but more scared of not. I'm scared of not finding clothes. I'm scared of "passing", and not be able to do it.

I'm going to work on my hair and try to find some advice about softening facial features. That does mean I'm going to need to tell someone and I can't find anybody I trust enough to tell.

:-\

Ummm... how to start with this... Well, ok lets try it this way. Alexi, You have one very distinct benefit - at this point You kinda know where You stand and what You want to achieve. Meaning, You will not have extreme expectations and will be able to avoid surprises on Your road. Not all of them but the nasty ones. Now, lets move on with some of Your questions... You see, once You start rolling many questions will disappear or just seem... less relevant? If You are androgyne in Your heart then "passing" gets kinda moot point, because...  Pass like who? You will be Yourself, unique and being Yourself You will pass as Yourself 100%.Now, if You will suddenly realise that You want to shift towards the other gender, then things get more complicated, but You dont even know now if You will have those desires. The same about clothes and hair and the rest. Once You start taking Your first steps You will grow more and more confident and figure out what works and what does not. Now, it might seem scary but it actually is not because if You are NOT changing Your presentation 100% it simply cannot out You since essentially You will bet adjusting Your style step-by-step. And really, given Your age and current trends - there is a lot of stuff which is perfectly permissible for men novadays which would have labelled one as queer even 5 years ago. Truly, this is the perfect era to be gender nonconfirming adult :). Heck, I could even get away with both ears pierced...
Now, about softer features. Facial hair removal helps - a lot. But I dunno how permanent it is with testosterone still flooding Your system as technically T should spam new hair follicles as the older ones get destroyed (otherwise transmen would not be getting facial hair, right ???). Of course anything with anti-androgenic properties will help to smooth and clear skin as well but we are venturing into HRT meds here which may or may not be Your choice.
Hair? You dont need to tell Your haircutter... Just say that You want to grow it out evenly and ask for help to crop it down from time to time instead of having that standard male cut which will leave You with no options afterwards. A lot of men novadays go for longer hair so that would not raise any eyebrows either (see, I told about this being the perfect era?).
What else advantages You have? You are still pretty young and can prevent further masculinisation. As You will grow into Your skin You will figure out what works and what does not - and most important - how You feel about that and Your feelings will change with time too. It might not be that scary in the end - it is just instead of flooding Yourself with questions You cannot answer yet, You just deal with them one at a time and then it all starts getting manageable :).

easiest thing ever to do with hair, is to simply let it grow. you'll probably get lots of split ends and stuff, but that problem should disappear as your hair starts to renew itself. new hairs that grow out after the old one has fallen off naturally, will have a closed tip that doesn't split.
or you could get a slight trim a couple time a year, a little more often when the hair is still short.

permanent hair removal is permanent. trans men grow beards because they already have hair follicles. lots of them. they just don't grow those robust beard strands without some androgen to reprogram them, and instead keep producing lots of annoying fine peach fuzz. but a damaged hair follicle could still suddenly decide to repair itself enough to grow hair again, so it's not permanent unless the hair follicle is properly destroyed.

softening your facial features is most easily done with a genuine happy smile. which would be one reason why many trans guys avoid smiling in pictures... there are tons of makeup videos on youtube, go look at those for advice, and the try out everything you can find. you'll find out that way what you like best. do try to avoid too much color and glitter though. the best makeup looks like a smoother and slightly more accentuated version of your own skin. dark brown can work just as well as black for making your eyes stand out, a colorless lipgloss will make your lips look fuller too.

I see you in the forest Alex I :)

Depression. I'm sorry.

:(

There is no need to be sorry for depression. You didn't choose it.

I sympathize, though.

Alexi dear if memory serves you have some important appointments coming up, and we would love to hear how they go for you.  Be honest sweetie, the more you trust your therapist the more they can help, it took some of us a while to do it, but as the process unfolds, it gets easier.   Once the risk is taken and  the secret exposed, it feels like some kind of anvil has been dropped that you have been carrying.  Those are your chains breaking and falling to the ground.

So take heart my dear.

I would very much like to write you into the forest thread, as I percieve you to be in your character.  Can the old playwright have permission to do that my dear?  It would be an honor.

---Satinjoy

I'm feeling numb. I'm neither happy nor sad. I've also been thinking about HRT. I don't feel I need it. I think clothes are the most important thing to think about at the moment. I'm having trouble finding androgynous clothing. I don't have a problem finding clothes to fit my body, but it's scary trying to find clothes which work.

I also got triggered earlier too by something both stupid and unexpected. I do have an appointment soon, so I might try to find some time to write everything on a piece of paper and take it.

I make lists of things I want to talk about with my therapist sometimes.
It also helps to keep the conversations running off on a tangent.
Having stuff written down helps to keep things focused on what you want.
Feeling numb can come after feelings from depression, it's common I think.
Depression is pretty emotional, I generally feel numb from bouts of it.

As for clothes, online catalogs are a fast way to look for the variety of stuff out there.
I think some others here could recommend some that cater to more androgynous stuff to wear.
Ativan

I take notes between sessions and as a result have very good ones.  My next one is next Monday, and I have notes from the forum discussions to talk over with him.

It's a good idea.  And it leaves reminders to review later in between sessions.

SJ, male mode

i don't have much advice to offer when it comes to therapists, other than what my sister has told me.
talk about everything that bothers you.

i would have seen a therapist myself a couple years ago, if i could.
but taking a whole day off work just to see someone other than my sister's therapist just wasn't something i could do back then.
and now, the nearest therapist is one of my colleagues. also a bad idea.

you're lucky if you have time to see a therapist at all.
you're even luckier if you have a therapist that you feel you can trust.

you could be right that hrt isn't the most important thing right now.
i found great relief in just finding some clothing that i could feel comfortable in.
switching between male and female clothing, without really trying to present as either or or androgyn, helped me a lot when i was struggling to find balance.

feeling numb is the farthest away from fun that i've ever experienced, even depression can't take away my amusement over a good joke that effectively. but it's still a tiny bit better than the urge to find a hole in the ground to hide in for the rest of eternity.
the feeling will pass sooner or later though.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Or what I'm feeling. I wish I could feel like I had a purpose. I really don't feel that, and I've not felt it for a really long time. I'm having conflicting thoughts and I don't know how I feel about myself or my body and I'm beginning to hate my body again. I wish I didn't feel so numb but at the same time I wish I could disappear.

How's it going with your therapist?
What you're writing is classic symptoms that depression can have.
Have you discussed this with your Therapist?
Did you talk to your MD?
This is the kind of stuff that your therapist should be able to guide you through.
Ativan

I haven't been to speak about it yet. I don't even know if I can go through with transitioning because I'm going to look so awful.

I just got out of my session.  I dumped it all out onto the therapist today, it was a great session for me.

When I first went to therapy, I was petrified.  I was scared beyond belief.  Same with the endo.

They helped me get through that, helped me to relax and talk.

Then I just let it come out of me.

Then I started feeling a tiny bit better.

Now I feel really good.  And I showed my therapist my picture for the first time ever.  It went well, but he took control of that first, then let me show him.

We get out of it what we are able to overcome our fears and blurt out in the session.   It doesn't matter what we blurt out, it just matters that we let it out.  They have to keep their mouths shut anyway, its law.  Its between us and the therapist.

So today, I blurted out stuff I was ashamed of, and now I' not ashamed.  I am just human.

I would encourage you to make sure you go back, and when the time is ready for you to do it, just blurt it out. 

You'll be glad you did it.

That's my advice, because its what I did, and it worked for me, its what I had to do, I did what I had to in order to let it out, to let myself be me.  And I found out that I had value, I did not expect that, I found out people were here for me in this place, and here for me there in therapy, and  that I was human, and  that I am me.

You are loved in this place.  Remember that, its the truth. 

We are here.  So are you.  That is what matters, but listen to our wisdom, and win.

Blessings and love from Satinjoy.

Quote from: Satinjoy on September 15, 2014, 12:57:50 PM
I just got out of my session.  I dumped it all out onto the therapist today, it was a great session for me.

When I first went to therapy, I was petrified.  I was scared beyond belief.  Same with the endo.

They helped me get through that, helped me to relax and talk.

Then I just let it come out of me.

Then I started feeling a tiny bit better.

Now I feel really good.  And I showed my therapist my picture for the first time ever.  It went well, but he took control of that first, then let me show him.

We get out of it what we are able to overcome our fears and blurt out in the session.   It doesn't matter what we blurt out, it just matters that we let it out.  They have to keep their mouths shut anyway, its law.  Its between us and the therapist.

So today, I blurted out stuff I was ashamed of, and now I' not ashamed.  I am just human.

I would encourage you to make sure you go back, and when the time is ready for you to do it, just blurt it out. 

You'll be glad you did it.

That's my advice, because its what I did, and it worked for me, its what I had to do, I did what I had to in order to let it out, to let myself be me.  And I found out that I had value, I did not expect that, I found out people were here for me in this place, and here for me there in therapy, and  that I was human, and  that I am me.

You are loved in this place.  Remember that, its the truth. 

We are here.  So are you.  That is what matters, but listen to our wisdom, and win.

Blessings and love from Satinjoy.

I know the feeling as I've done it before. I sometimes felt after like I'd made the therapist feel bad, despite it being nothing about the therapist at all! I feel like I'm going to be a really bad androgyne and I'm still struggling to understand the personal meaning of being non-binary. It's not easy to explain.

I get that, having gone through it and still do...
There is no honest way to explaining it.
I tell myself that, anyways...
It's simply what you need to do.
Unless it's something very personal that your therapist is seeing a therapist for,
It's pretty hard to make them feel bad.
Tell them what is bothering you, ask the questions you have.
They are there to guide you, not judge you.
Ativan

Quote from: Alexi on September 15, 2014, 03:27:32 PM
I know the feeling as I've done it before. I sometimes felt after like I'd made the therapist feel bad, despite it being nothing about the therapist at all! I feel like I'm going to be a really bad androgyne and I'm still struggling to understand the personal meaning of being non-binary. It's not easy to explain.

it's possible to be a bad man or a bad woman, because society has defined what a good man and a good woman are expected to be.
society still hasn't gotten the chance to define what a good or bad androgyne would be, it's up to us and you to define it, if we want to. but i don't want to define any good or bad in terms of gender. you might be a good or a bad person, based on how you treat others, but how can you be more or less of you?
let your therapist help you find your own way of non-binary.

I can't do this. I really can't do this.  :'(

Yes you can dear, just for right now.  You may need to call your therapist, you know the actions we recommend, but see, you are here and reached out, and for this we here are very grateful.

Take a hug from Satinjoy, if you want, cry on my sleeve, but we are here.  Worry about nothing, not transition, not anything, just rest in knowing we are here, and you are loved.

I keep saying it over and over, but I do this because its true....we are close knit, and we never give up.  We are trans.  You are loved.  Rest in this.  Call your support if needed, keep on reaching out to us.  We are patient and kind, and we are here.

Warmest affections

Satinjoy

I don't have any support. I don't even want any support any more because I'm not worth it. I do nothing but cause pain and misery for other people and they don't need it any more.

Dear, that is not true, you are buying into a lie.

And you can't hurt my feelings if you tried. 

What about those people you called that you liked?  You had a positive response post after that one.

Say what you like, but I think your worth it, or I would not be fighting for you right now.

Unfortunately, I need to head for a meeting, and others will need to help too here on the forum.

You may not want support, but you do have it.  We are here.  For some of us, its what motivates us the most.

I don't know your hurt, I couldn't, but I know support.  And you have it.

Blessings.

Quote from: Alexi on September 16, 2014, 10:41:09 AM
I don't have any support. I don't even want any support any more because I'm not worth it. I do nothing but cause pain and misery for other people and they don't need it any more.

Luv I am so sorry you feel you have so little support.

Being along is truly a hard place for any of us to be.

You know I am here and so are many others are but it's up to you GF to reach out when are feeling bad.

Me I am always around somewhere close.

Just a message. We will get you through this somehow just need you to be on board with a solution.

Hugs we are truly here for you Alexi.

Izzy.

I'm shaking and in tears. I don't deserve this any more. :'(

I see so much of my old self in you, Alexi, sometimes it's like looking in a mirror.

I understand the depression, the feelings of the non-existent self-worth, the low-self-esteem, the wishing of no longer being a part of this world... I understand it all too well.

Hating my body transformed into a hatred for myself. Depression sunk in after years of struggling to fit in with my female peers. I struggled with watching people around me succeed at school, their career goals and successful relationships while I am stuck in the same place I had always been. I felt worthless, I felt there was no redeemable features about myself at all. Whenever a therapist would say I am intelligent, I would doubt them. Whenever someone would compliment my appearance, I would doubt them. I doubted all the compliments and all the insults, I let them justify my negative views of myself.

Going into relationships was difficult because I had enough issues as it was. I was selfish back then and wallowed in my angst, being blind to the suffering of my partners who tried to support and console me. It was to no avail. One particular relationship ended and the partner spoke of suicide so frankly, it made something inside of me snap. I was angry that she was talking about taking her life so easily - over a short-lived relationship no less! I realized it must have been equally frustrating for her to watch me wallow in self-pity and not do anything to fix it.

I needed to make serious changes to my life. Sitting around and moping in my problems isn't going to help me reach my goals faster. Don't worry about what you are to other people. To be frank, other people most likely do not care - they are struggling with their own issues as it is. Can you imagine they would spend every waking minute thinking about how much pain and misery you bring to them? Of course not, that would be illogical. The thought that you will be giving them pain and misery is the depression talking, trying to justify your existence is not needed in this world by saying you are a burden to others. It is not true and you should not buy into it but I understand it's easy to believe that silky smooth voice when it has been your company for such a long time. Depression has become your very close friend but it's time to cut off ties as the influence has become toxic to your health. 

Inhale, count to three and exhale. Repeat this as many times until you feel yourself beginning to calm down. Once calm, spend some time introspecting on your thoughts and how you can manage your emotions in a way that you can still experience them but also not let them hinder your progress. Try experimenting with different styles of clothing and gender expression you'd like to express inside your own mind. A mind's imagination can be a useful tool for introspection of your identity (or lack there of - also not a bad thing!) It may take a few days, weeks, months or even years for you to come to a conclusion. And you know what? This is okay! Exploring one's identity should not be rushed, it will take time, effort, experimentation and of course, a therapist is always helpful for advice, guidance or just support.

Don't feel like you have to do everything at once - you will only end up overwhelming yourself and placing unnecessary stress where it's not needed. You are certainly allowed to go at your own pace and there is plenty of time. If you decide half-way that a certain identity is not for you, there is no shame in that. I have originally thought I was FtM and after four years on Testosterone, I now happily identify as non-binary. I used to feel like I was a "fake" for not desiring complete binary transition but that's the thing - transition is different for everyone. There is no cookie-cutter mold you have to follow.

If you can, make a plan for the future (travel plans maybe?), start a new hobby, make some new friends, chat to an elderly strangers or smile at people walking past. It might sound ridiculous but doing something small as smiling and making casual talk with others can brighten another person's day. Smiling is universal. If they smile back at you, there's that connection you have made as human beings... it is wonderful. So many people go through the motions everyday and forget that each and every one of us are only human - some even forget to smile! We all have up and down days - how we deal with those emotions is what defines us as who we are.

A psychiatrist once told me something that was in a very similar theme as one that was used in a comic strip, "Just because you haven't got it all figured out, doesn't mean you never will. Some day, you may even look back and wonder why you were ever worried."

Believe me when I say you are not alone and this feeling, even if it feels terrible now, I assure you, it will get better. I am on the other side of depression, waving to you through the dark tunnel, even though you can't hear or see me, I'm yelling that it is better on the other side - you just have to brace yourself and walk through the darkness to the light. At the end of the day, your life and your future is in your hands to control - it's solely up to you if you want to move forward or stay in the same place.

*Hugs* Support is always here for you. I hope you feel better soon and I hope I wasn't too harsh in my post.

Kind regards,

Jacey  :icon_bunch: 

You are worth it, even if that's currently hidden from you. Just know that none of us here will judge you about any decision you make and are here so you don't have to be alone in the darkness.

Quote from: Alexi on September 16, 2014, 12:08:41 PM
I'm shaking and in tears. I don't deserve this any more. :'(

I am here reach out. We are trying to get you to be strong. I am here.

Xo
Izzy

Its ok to shake, its ok to have tears.  I just was in a construction meeting and Satinjoy came out strong, I couldn't stop it.  I went back to my office and I shook a whole lot.  And then a coworker I had outed myself to said she did not notice it.  I noticed it.  So I thought everyone noticed it.  I am still a little bit of a wreck.

Its all ok.

Let it out, stay with us.  Many of us do not deserve things, but we still go on.  For me it got better.  It still gets better.  But I had to give myself a chance.

And I'm fine.  Just know we are here, and you are worth it to us.  We believe in you and will continue to do it, and sooner or later, you will believe in you too.  It just is.

I am going to be a little blob of jello for a little while, and then I will be fine.  That is how it is.  Its ok.  I work in construction and I'm genderqueer and have breasts and nails.  Its all ok.  But I have to realize that is true.

Hang in there, we are both dealing with our identities, and learning to accept ourselves.  You are lucky, you get to do it young, I am learning to do it after 50 years of stuffing it.

Warmest blessings

--Satinjoy.

Check in with us Alexi, just let us know you are around.

Makes us feel needed...

:)

There isn't very much anyone can do if you just comment that you have no support, but don't give a clue as to just what.
You comment that you're worthless... a comparison or really any kind of clue as to how worthless, worthless for??...
Just saying you're shaking and in tears leaves nothing to go on.
Several people have left you long comments of support and advice, but the advice is a crap-shoot, really don't have much to go on as to whether it's even advice you're looking for...
If what you say is to be taken at face value, then a competent ER is the place to be.
The nearest Psyche Unit available, because when you can't say just what the problem is, it runs deeper than what the comments in return here are going to do for you.
You're up for a while and then crash again.
A sure sign to me that you need antidepressants to smooth out the ride.
That you can't articulate the real nature of the problem(s), then you need to talk to professionals who can and will work with you.
We can all give you a shoulder to cry on, is it going to help?
We don't even know that... Let alone what kind of advice might be helpful.
It's time, this has been multiple events over a relatively short period of time and things haven't changed.
You really should do everything it takes to find proper help.
In an ER setting, they don't have the time to figure it out for you, they probably have people stacking up that have the usual cuts and scrapes and such that they deal with the most.
They don't have time to play twenty questions to get to the right one that you might have an answer to.
It's kinda the same here, you leave out the important stuff, the body of the comments you make.
It's not clear at all what you are trying to say, if there is something more than the words you have commented with.
I see this pattern and the only thing I can think is that you need professional help, and you need to get it soon, like right away.
If it takes you five hours to get to a competent hospital that has psyche facilities, then do it.
It doesn't sound like things have gotten any better, and it's now been, like I said, multiple times that you have stated pretty much the same things, without an explanation that we can work with.
You really need to be more specific if you can, otherwise it looks like your just repeating the same thing over again.
You have to do this, nobody here can do it for you.
Don't even know where you are.
Can't recommend anyone for you to talk to, can't even see if there is someone from here close enough to find out if there is a place you might feel safe at.
You have a tendency to comment and then logout, coming back much later, and we have no idea what's going on when you do this.
You cry out and then leave before the community here can react.
Very few people are available for more than a couple hours at a time.
Half of the responses go unanswered until you log in again.
That leaves us really nothing to go on, as well.
These are all things I know all to well for myself and because I've worked and lived with a lot of people who share these same things.
It really has come down to getting proper help, look into antidepressants at the very least and to build a support system.
I have as well as most of the people here who know those symptoms well.
We've been through it and we do know what we are talking about.
Need better information to go on if you are expecting help from the community, it's just the way it is, you don't give us enough to work with.
You say you've tried your ER and they won't help or can't help?
They will help if you insist that you need it, instead of just giving vague symptoms and then say nothing more.
Most ER's are only really band-aide stations until you get to the place either in the hospital or at another place to be properly taken care of.
They aren't the problem solvers, they are the ones who take care of the emergency at hand and then move on to the next person in line.
Here there is a lot of support, but you don't really get into any details in your comments that we can work with.
It really does sound like your asking for support, but support in what way?
There are very little clues to go on, and sometimes you have even told us that the support isn't the kind you want or need... You need to be more specific, or there is likely very little anyone can do as far as true support and advice.

It's time. You need to pull out the stops and do this. It isn't going to get any better if you don't, it will likely get worse.
If it does, it will go to the extent that someone around you will notice and you will be committed by the courts, not something you really want to do.
Once in the system that way, it is next to impossible to get back out, not without much more effort than it takes to get the help you need right now.
Not in a few days, right now.
I understand how futile it all feels, it is another symptom of things that you need to take care of, now.
The truth is, that there are really simple solutions to what seems to be the problem, but you have to act to take care of them.
If you don't, they are going to get worse and what it takes is just going to get harder.
Get on the phone and find a place you need to get help, make the call.
You liked Trevor Project, call them, see what they can do and don't hold back like you've been doing.
It's time to do everything you can to get better now. Today, right now.
PM someone here if you need more help, but be prepared to talk about it, to answer the hard questions.
If you really need, there are people who you can talk to on the phone if that's what it takes.
It's now up to you to make the hard decision to get this done the right way and it sounds like you need to,.. now.
Ativan

Quote from: EchelonHunt on September 16, 2014, 12:10:50 PMI used to feel like I was a "fake" for not desiring complete binary transition but that's the thing - transition is different for everyone. There is no cookie-cutter mold you have to follow.

Somehow you've managed to explain something I couldn't, or I felt like I couldn't. I almost still can't.

I'm afraid that I'll not be able to transition enough for it to be enough. I know transition is different for every person, so everyone is able to do whatever they feel comfortable doing. I've felt jealous of other people who've transitioned or are transitioning, they always seem to look so much better and seem to do it so much better. It's a weird feeling, and not a feeling I like, but I can't help but want the same.

I've tired everyone I could ask for help from in person. They tell me that I'm their friend, but I don't feel that. I know it's most likely because I'm so depressed that I feel like they're really not, but I can't help but think that they're just being kind so as not to upset me. I don't deserve them. They've done so much for me, but I don't ever get better.

They've tired of me.

Take ativan advice please now, they are right, time to act dear.   Sj

I can't do that. I'm too scared.

You're too scared not to.
This isn't one that you're going to just toughen out.
That hasn't been working out at all for you, it would seem.
I'm too scared you're not going to do something to help yourself.
I tried, as well as many other people here have, to try and tough it out of depression like this.
It just doesn't work that way.
Those people who it seems like transition is so easy?
It wasn't for most of them, some needed to get help in ways that are simply necessary.
What you see for some who transition as looking really good?
They do because they are happy, and they weren't always that way, it took help to get them to where they are.
For some of us, it takes the kind of help I suggested to you.
Nobody here wants to see you suffer and that is exactly what we are hearing from you, suffering and anguish at life.
It doesn't have to be that way. It is scary, I can see your point, it has scared the crap out of me each time I had to do it.
It took more than a few times for my bullheadedness to really get with the program and to do it right.
I've been good for over five years now. Where I was before I can only describe as hell.
I didn't even know it until I was safely out of it.
It's hard to see yourself right now and what you are seeing isn't you, it's the depression that you're seeing, not you.
You can do this, it will stop when you do this, nothing bad is going to happen and you know this is true.
Depression is playing one of it's cruelest tricks on you right now, making you too scared to stop it.
Ativan

Quote from: Alexi on September 16, 2014, 08:58:56 PM
I can't do that. I'm too scared.

You know we all have been where you are.

We have reached out for help when we lost the answers.

Are we bad persons for asking for the help we need when we need it.

We all care because we understand.

We offer help for hope.

Hope for life

Life for happiness.

I hold out my hand to give our support.

Hugs
Izzy

Quote from: Alexi on September 16, 2014, 05:27:19 PM
Somehow you've managed to explain something I couldn't, or I felt like I couldn't. I almost still can't.

I'm afraid that I'll not be able to transition enough for it to be enough. I know transition is different for every person, so everyone is able to do whatever they feel comfortable doing. I've felt jealous of other people who've transitioned or are transitioning, they always seem to look so much better and seem to do it so much better. It's a weird feeling, and not a feeling I like, but I can't help but want the same.

I've tired everyone I could ask for help from in person. They tell me that I'm their friend, but I don't feel that. I know it's most likely because I'm so depressed that I feel like they're really not, but I can't help but think that they're just being kind so as not to upset me. I don't deserve them. They've done so much for me, but I don't ever get better.

They've tired of me.

Transitioning won't be enough because it seems like your issues are rooted far deeper than your gender identity. It's easy to think of transitioning as being a magical solution to your problems - except it's not like that at all. The people who've transitioned or transitioning, like anybody else, have struggled through horrible times but have pushed through because they have a support network they can fall back onto - something you need to have before transitioning even becomes an option.

Friends can not be replacements for a professional therapist. A friend can support you and be there for you but they cannot drag you out of the pit you are stuck in, not in a way a therapist is qualified to do. It's not that they are tired of you, it's that they are incapable of helping you.

Please listen to Ativan's advice and call The Trevor Project or the E.R. PLease reach out for help. You have nothing to fear except fear itself.

I might try get some sleep. I can use IRC if real-time chat might be easier.

there's always people in the irc chat, even if the bot pretends they're sleeping.
i'll be on in a while, and try to stay for the rest of the day. get on when you can, i'm hoping to see you soon.

I think I've found someone I can ask, but it'll not be until later. I'll also need to think about the things I'd want to say so I don't confuse myself once I actually begin talking! It's hard to think of it in any order but I'll do the best I can.

Quote from: Alexi on September 17, 2014, 05:16:24 AM
I think I've found someone I can ask, but it'll not be until later. I'll also need to think about the things I'd want to say so I don't confuse myself once I actually begin talking! It's hard to think of it in any order but I'll do the best I can.

I have always made notes to use when I was having trouble keeping thing in order due to stresses.

The key, my dear, is to just do it.  Let go, don't even think, just do it.  Automatic mode.  It is how I survived.  I am in it right now, automatic mode.

There will be rejoicing on this forum if you do this.

Just make the call, get the help.  It is time.

SJ

Quote from: mrs izzy on September 17, 2014, 08:09:08 AM
I have always made notes to use when I was having trouble keeping thing in order due to stresses.

That's a really good idea. I'll write prompts just in case I forget anything.

How long can it take before a specialist is able to make a diagnosis of gender dysphoria or some other diagnosis?

The more honest and upfront with them you can be, the better all of it will go.
Even if it hurts, let them know that and tell them anyways.
As noted in another thread, sometimes a trial of very low dose HRT gives almost immediate results.
Not for everyone, but a very effective way to see if your body chemistry matches the wiring of your brain.
If you're going to break down talking about things, with a therapist is a very good place to do just that.
Once you find that they are helping you by way of guidance, they will appear as they are, an allie for you in your quest for inner peace.
Ativan

What Ativan said

Just be honest with your true feelings and where you feel your life should move towards.

Hugs and will keep you in my thoughts.

I haven't posted but I didn't want anybody to think I wasn't grateful for the responses and help. I'm not sure I'm much further but I've come to a realisation that I am transgender. The most frightening thing is finding the courage to come out; I still can't do that. I'm scared I never will.

There are many I have not come out to dear.  The first step is to come out to yourself....

The others can wait.  Some can wait forever....

Nice to hear from you I was concerned.

Blessings

Satinjoy

Sometimes I recall how my little baby first stood up and tried his first few steps and staggered forward and fell bonking his little head really hard on the coffee table, raising a huge bump and crying so hard that he lost his breath that I worried that he was going to die. I think about how he could have become discouraged and just lie there and continue to roll across the carpet whenever he wanted to go somewhere, but he would have been stilted and never would have developed beyond that point and would have been a sad and pathetic little human being.

But when he got his breath back and recovered sufficiently he climbed back up on his feet, giggling and chortling at his success he learned to walk and eventually run. It always starts with little baby steps and occasionally we do a face plant, but we get right back up and prevail. You can do it too!

haha.
the bad thing about growing up is that we start believing that one bad experience means every experience with that thing will be bad.
maybe i should go back to thinking like a kid. ok, so i got hurt a few moments ago. but i'm not dead, so it's safe to try again...

but then again, physical pain is a little easier to withstand. kids are terrified of emotional pain and will often not express some things if they've learned that expressing themselves will be punished by yelling, silence, or other forms of emotional violence.
that makes things a little scarier, but coming out to someone you can trust could give you that one good experience you need to continue in hope rather than fear.

I believe in you! You are an amazing person and you deserve to be happy. Keep in touch! <|:)

Feel free to message me any time you need to talk. I have been through the same types of things as you and I know how hard it is, but please remember that you are wonderful and honest and brave. You are amazing.

This goes for anyone on this site, as well. I may not be the most experienced at transitioning but I know what the terror of coming out and such feels like. Feel free to come to me when you are feeling low. <|:)

Dsyphoria and stress are becoming physically unberable. I feel as though I'm drowning. I can't do it. I really can't do it.

don't listen to your feelings.
look around you. where is the water you feel like you're drowning in?
look at the sky. can you see any cracks in it?

dysphoria doesn't kill. the only way to die is to actively take a step towards it.
dysphoria can't push you. it feels bad, but that's all there is to it.

what was all that stress about again?
i hate stress. tried for a long time to run away from it, but it was really no more effective than trying to run away from my own shadow.
dealing with it worked though. now i can recognize it when it tried to creep up on me, and just poke it and tickle it till it gives up on breaking me down.

i believe you can do it.
you've got it in you, all you need to do is some soul search, and you'll find it.
what did that therapist say btw...?

I stopped going. I got too scared.

owie... well, it's not like i don't understand.
i've run away before too.

just please try to trust me on one little point...
it doesn't disappear just by running away.
it came back to bite me in the a when i teied to ignore it away, when i run away from those who could help.

at least don't run away from us, ok?

Quote from: Taka on November 05, 2014, 01:48:13 PM
owie... well, it's not like i don't understand.
i've run away before too.

just please try to trust me on one little point...
it doesn't disappear just by running away.
it came back to bite me in the a when i teied to ignore it away, when i run away from those who could help.

at least don't run away from us, ok?

I ran for fifty years, but not fast enough to escape me.  If only I had turned, faced myself and embraced myself, so much fear would have vanished.  It's early dear, go back to them or find one you can open up to.  Someone has put in your mind something that makes you see yourself as not of beauty.  It is untrue, find your beauty it is there, inside you, someday outside.

I have acute body dysphoria, and I am so better now.

Stay with us, get unstuck, take a small step towards self acceptance and pull on your support, I know you have the contacts.

Come on little one, it's time to find yourself, you will be a diamond, you just don't know it yet, it takes time to find that out.

Blessings and love,

Satinjoy

The thing about running away from yourself, eventually you catch up with yourself and run smack bang into the back of your head.

The key is to embrace instead of collide....

Quote from: Satinjoy on November 06, 2014, 05:56:58 AM
The key is to embrace instead of collide....

Yes, this. And to remember that life is a sequence of temporary measures.

There are so many things I'd like to change about myself but it's so frightening. I'm frightened of feeling wrong or feeling disgusting or not feeling comfortable. I'm feeling ever more trapped and lonely and hate myself more and more.

Big drastic changes are scary, but change is also incremental. Lots of small steps will add up over time, and boom, before you know it you've left your starting point miles behind.

Start small, identify one thing, one tiny little thing you can change today and do it. It may not even make any discernible difference, but if you keep chipping away things will change. But at the same time they won't because you'll still be you.

I can't think of anything I could change. I think that's the biggest difficulty. I don't know what the most comfortable thing to change about myself is. I'm scared if I don't change something that I'm going to die because it's becoming so unbearable.

I think you need to rethink therapy and go back...

A tiny tweak, any tweak, might help, I agree with taka.

Quote from: Alexi on November 06, 2014, 11:31:56 AM
I can't think of anything I could change. I think that's the biggest difficulty. I don't know what the most comfortable thing to change about myself is. I'm scared if I don't change something that I'm going to die because it's becoming so unbearable.

Alexi

When in doubt and when overwhelmed, a therapist really does help.  They taught me that I had the strength and the ability to make a change.  They taught me that just making a start, just taking a single step made the difference. In my case just talking to someone about my feelings, my fears and my dreams took so much weight off my spirit that I then knew that there was a way forward and with help, with someone listening, with someone coaching and helping me find my way that I could create the life that I yearned for and find the person that I am.

Being suffocated and feeling trapped is not a given.  You can change this.  You deserve more than this.  Please take that first step.

Safe travels

Aisle

I'm such a waste of everyone's time. I'm so sorry. I'm trying so hard.

Buy a skateboard an learn how to drop in. No messing. Life isn't half as scary once you know you can fall at the floor and miss.

i don't feel like i've wasted anything.
i'm writing to you out of my own free will, without expecting anythimg in return.
all i hope, is for you to find a path to a better life.

i'm really sorry i can't find it for you though.
things would be so much simpler if that were the case.

(did you know that therapists don't bite?)

All we can do is show you the way, only you can open the door.

Quote from: Dread_Faery on November 06, 2014, 02:55:02 PM
All we can do is show you the way, only you can open the door.

And once it is open - make it damn sure that it stays that way :D.

Great seeing Emily here

Alex I, the fact that you are trying is huge.  Giveeyourself credit for it.  But it's action that pays, and knowing you have a shot at this when young, I lost forty years cause I blew my first chance and stayed in fear.  You dontthave to do that, the keys are in your hand.  But I can't put it in the door.  You have seen that door, but you are afraid of where it leads.  Close your eyes and walk through, set your spirit free.

A call to the support you already have identified, and your path becomes real.  Follow it, we all have, and see the dawn.

Blessings

Satinjoy

In my opinion, ultimate happiness is worth a bit of initial discomfort. Please don't try to sell yourself short because I know that you are a wonderful, brave, intelligent, kind human being and you are worth it. My suggestion is to go to your therapist again, or, if that one isn't working out, go try another one. Just keep investigating until you find someone who can help you. That is their job, after all.

Also, I would suggest to start a social transition if you want. Like asking some close, trusted friends to refer to you by different pronouns (which are okay to change later!) and start presenting differently in public or just around the house or with friends. Just trust in yourself that you matter and that your identity matters and needs to be expressed in any way that you see fit. Everyone on this site knows what you have been through. We love you. We want to help you in any way that we can. You are not wasting our time, because we want to make sure you are happy and comfortable as possible in your body and your life.

One final suggestion that has helped me with depression: On your mirror/door/somewhere you will see multiple times a day, write everything good about yourself in permanent marker. Make them bold, big, and definite, things that you are proud of in yourself, things that others love in you, and things that make you unique. You can draw pictures, too, if you'd like. Now every time you see these, you must read at least one of them and think to yourself "that IS true" and push any nagging doubts out of your mind. I believe in you. We ALL believe in you. You are a wonderful person, and you deserve to transition in any way you'd like.

You can do this!!! <|:)

Alexi, I just want to say I have seen a remarkable difference in what you're posting now compared with how you were posting when this thread started. Your problems haven't gone away, but you're dealing with them a little differently, a little better.

Can you see it too?

You'll get wherever you want to be; you have it in you to do this. I can see it, and I believe in you. :)

I'm going through transition. It's slow and harder than I could ever have thought and I feel like I'm walking a tightrope.