So my therapist and I have been seeing each other for about 9 months to a year I believe it is. With all the discussions we have had, she still says I need to find peace and have a stable life before/if I wanted to change. But to me it's driving me insane, because I totally am oblivious to the whole idea of having a content life the way I am right now, which I hope some people can relate to in here.
Is it just me or do I have a reason to be going insane over this it seems like. Not in a bad way, just like agitated and I don't understand her thinking. Any ideas, or help?
Have you told her that Not Transitioning is what is keeping you from having a stable life?
Sarah L.
I'll try to quote what I remember best here, but I believe she said, "Your thinking in the wrong direction, you have to find peace in yourself, then change, not the other way around." That isn't a direct quote but it's along the lines of what she said give or take a few words.
Has this therapist worked with TS people in the past? If not, it might be time to look around for another therapist.
Sarah L.
She has some encounters, she's doesn't only see them though, she has other clients as well. It's just profound that she would say that, it just doesn't make sense in my mind. Should it though?
Shane,
It is good to stabilize before doing transition so that you can tell if the dysphoria or depression is weighing more on your mind. There are people on this site that stabilize when the depression is under control. Others can never stabilize the depression and they live with a myriad of issues. Sarah L. suggested that you visit a good TS therapist which is an excellent idea!
Quotebut I believe she said, "Your thinking in the wrong direction, you have to find peace in yourself, then change, not the other way around."
In theory she is right, in practice... Well, someone here said it better. (paraphrased) "If I can find peace with myself like this, then WHY do I need to transition!?"
I.e. Your therapist doesn't have a clue.
I realize that is harsh, but in my opinion she is totally underestimating this affliction. The 'cure' is not a magic bullet, but doing nothing is very detrimental.
In my opinion, of course.
Please feel free to tell her I said this.
9 months is enough time to decide whether you are being helped or not. It doesn't hurt to have a 2nd opinion...something to consider.
Hi,
Other than the gender issues, do you have depression or anxieties? Are you living some outrageous life that we don't know about?
Just asking, I don't mean any offense, and of course, you don't have to tell us anything you're not comfortable with.
Love,
Rebis
Quote from: Rebis on July 30, 2007, 06:47:13 PM
Hi,
Other than the gender issues, do you have depression or anxieties? Are you living some outrageous life that we don't know about?
Just asking, I don't mean any offense, and of course, you don't have to tell us anything you're not comfortable with.
Love,
Rebis
No other problems with my life really besides this. I'm pretty stable, but at times depression hits mainly because of my feelings with myself and my life. I'm just a normal person working and going to college. Speaking of that I must go now to work :( But thank you for the advice and keep it coming so I have something to read up on when I'm back!
Thank you everyone!
Quote from: shanetastic on July 30, 2007, 06:17:14 PM
So my therapist and I have been seeing each other for about 9 months to a year I believe it is. With all the discussions we have had, she still says I need to find peace and have a stable life before/if I wanted to change. But to me it's driving me insane, because I totally am oblivious to the whole idea of having a content life the way I am right now, which I hope some people can relate to in here.
I had the same, exact experience. It took me 11 months to get an HRT letter, and even then I don't think she was very happy about it.
Looking back, although she said she wanted my inner and outer environment to be more stable, I think she probably wanted a real commitment to transition, and I was still waffling a bit with,
"Well, I don't KNOW how hormones will make me feel, as I've never tasted estrogen... so I can't commit to something I've never felt!" I KNEW I'd never turn back, but somehow formally declaring that to the world - and even to myself - scared me to death.
~Kate~
Question Kate,
Did that delay help or harm do you think?
I don't think she understands the fact that I'm depressed at times because I've been living nineteen years feeling this way, and I finally get the courage a little under a year ago to do something about it, and yet nothing is being done as it feels like. Sure, she's learning more about me, but I'm not and I don't see any difference in myself despite my feelings getting worse and worse (if not unbearable at times as it feels)
There is a concept that HRT is a diagnostic tool for GID and for TS. Those that benefit have GID and TS but those who are not cannot tolerate the hormones. To wait longer than a few months, seems like she wants to slow down the process and that makes me wonder about motives. Is she milking the situation for more client hours?
I doubt that the therapist is "milking" for more hours, but I would question if she believes in the TS condition. It would seem to me that either you are giving mixed signals or she isn't in favor of people transitioning.
I think it might be time for you ask her some very specific questions.
Sarah L.
She says at times that I'm too young to know what I want right now and maybe later in life. I know it sounds bad to say that, but maybe it's because I'm giving her mixed signals I have no idea to be honest really. I'm just hoping that she comes to the point well she will think it's time to let me make my own choice. After all, this is my life, not hers. I wouldn't think she's trying to get more hours out of me, because regardless if she allows me to transition I'm still going to see her. Ahhhh I'm just confused, what does she want!?!?
Edit: Maybe she's not in favor of people transitioning, because she was like "Well transitioning is hell, it's worse than what your going through." But I don't think she understands maybe, after all I don't think it can be worse than my life right now with a past suicide attempt. I don't think it gets any worse than that right there.
As I said, maybe it is time to ask her some very direct questions.
Where does she see you going from here? How much older does she think you need to be? Etc.
Sarah L.
Well I'm 19 right now. And when we were having a discussion, she was like well you don't need to make any choices right now after all your still young. Maybe you'll want this more when your older, but for right now your still young, you have other options. . . blah blah blah ya know?
And I have no idea where she sees me going from here to be honest, I don't think she ever mentioned anything like that. Maybe it will be time for some questioning though indeed.
You might consider asking her Shanetastic, but then I do favor a direct in approach method in most cases.
But this said, yes I do think a limited HRT trial is probably the most telling thing, but I am not in the minding that it is foolproof. If you are aware of yourself the difference between T and E is quite noticeable however and if it was in doubt it is another data point as it were.
Odds are unless you are explicitly clear the therapist is going to wait until you are. Uncertainty is, after all, NOT a good thing in the context of life altering decisions.
Personally I really did not have any problems with my therapist (Dr.Bushong), and although I was starting to come apart at the seams it was not a huge delay (far more than was necessary but part of the job description of a therapist is to help you help yourself. YOU have to be ready after all, an then of course the therapist has to agree with you ;) )
Anyway, I suggest making your minding very clear and leaving no doubt. Usually that is good advice anyway ;)
*curtsey*
Quote from: Kimberly on July 31, 2007, 07:25:54 PM
You might consider asking her Shanetastic, but then I do favor a direct in approach method in most cases.
But this said, yes I do think a limited HRT trial is probably the most telling thing, but I am not in the minding that it is foolproof. If you are aware of yourself the difference between T and E is quite noticeable however and if it was in doubt it is another data point as it were.
Odds are unless you are explicitly clear the therapist is going to wait until you are. Uncertainty is, after all, NOT a good thing in the context of life altering decisions.
Personally I really did not have any problems with my therapist (Dr.Bushong), and although I was starting to come apart at the seams it was not a huge delay (far more than was necessary but part of the job description of a therapist is to help you help yourself. YOU have to be ready after all, an then of course the therapist has to agree with you ;) )
Anyway, I suggest making your minding very clear and leaving no doubt. Usually that is good advice anyway ;)
*curtsey*
Thanks for the advice :) I'm a horrible person to ask to ask a direct question. I prefer to go around everything myself it's just how I am. I'm not afraid to admit what I want, but I don't think she is willing to accept it right now I guess. It will probably take some convincing, but if she doesn't budge, whatever, it's my life I'll go elsewhere. I know exactly what I want, and what I am willing to sacrifice for it, and that's all that matters to me. Sure, I'm 19, but so what, I'm an adult too, and that doesn't mean you can treat me any differently than anyone else to walk through those doors.
Quote from: Kimberly on July 30, 2007, 08:18:01 PM
Question Kate,
Did that delay help or harm do you think?
It helped, but not in the ways she intended I'm sure ;)
My therapist was fond of the saying,
"You need to *own* this..."Well, I certainly learned THAT lesson well. My transition ended up being mine, and mine alone. It happened because I MADE it happen.
Seriously though, it was a stupid, reckless game she played with me. It sounds like yours is being kinda careless with you too, Shane. You're an adult, she has no right IMHO to suggest you're too young to know what you need. If there's a REASON behind it, fine, but a blanket statement that you're too young is just unfair prejudice. You're not a
"19 year old" - you're Shane, and should be evaluated as an individual, not an age group.
Therapists DO like directness and commitment, but sometimes they interpret that as being rash and overconfident as well. But then again, vagueness and hesitation is seen as not facing your issues honestly. So I dunno, I swear you just cannot win with some people.
~Kate~
Yeah, thanks for the advice. I'll give her like two more months to see if she can learn to accept that my choices are for me, not anyone else. If not, time to move on elsewhere and find someone else I guess and start it all over. *sigh*
;) You might consider mentioning that to her as well really.
Shane,
I do not believe it is for a therapist to tell anyone what direction their life should be going. Her job is not to determine if you are TS. Her job is to help you accept it. When you say things like you want her to understand, it makes me wonder who the therapist is and who the patient is. It's not your job to convince her you are TS. It's her job to help you transition.
If you are waiting for her to tell you that you are TS, I just don't see that happening. You need to tell her what you want to happen and why. Either she gets on your team, with your goals, or it's time to find another therapist. TS is self diagnosed. If she does not believe you are TS, she needs to tell you why she believes that and how she could know.
Be straight up and ask her if she intends to write the letters you want her to write and if so, when? If not, why? The entire age thing is irrelevant and has me wondering if she is not taking a role that is not appropriate. It's not up to her to decide, it's up to you and I would like to know what exactly qualified her to know at what age someone can make decisions for themselves? Saving people from themselves is best left to gods, not therapists.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Quote from: Elizabeth on August 01, 2007, 06:48:53 AM
Shane,
I do not believe it is for a therapist to tell anyone what direction their life should be going. Her job is not to determine if you are TS. Her job is to help you accept it. When you say things like you want her to understand, it makes me wonder who the therapist is and who the patient is. It's not your job to convince her you are TS. It's her job to help you transition.
If you are waiting for her to tell you that you are TS, I just don't see that happening. You need to tell her what you want to happen and why. Either she gets on your team, with your goals, or it's time to find another therapist. TS is self diagnosed. If she does not believe you are TS, she needs to tell you why she believes that and how she could know.
Be straight up and ask her if she intends to write the letters you want her to write and if so, when? If not, why? The entire age thing is irrelevant and has me wondering if she is not taking a role that is not appropriate. It's not up to her to decide, it's up to you and I would like to know what exactly qualified her to know at what age someone can make decisions for themselves? Saving people from themselves is best left to gods, not therapists.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Oh how I couldn't agree with you more. This whole situation is just annoying for me. It just drives me insane in the sense that I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with her. I don't really want to pay her for me to tell her my history and try and find a temporary solution for it. I'm paying her to help me FIX this problem, not try and find alternative ways around it. Maybe that's why she is driving me insane.
Other than that, I just don't know what to do. It's sort of dissapointing that nothing has happened yet. Sure, I don't want to feel this way, nor do I think anyone does. But hey, I don't feel like I am being given the chance to live my life the way I want to, and that's the part where I'm losing it. I'm not here to pay here to tell me things I already know, or that I don't really care about.
Okay venting is done argghhhh.
The role of a therapist with a Transsexual is to assist you with transition, not analyze your past or provide temporary solutions. They are mainly there to serve as an outlet to the frustrations of your transition process, not to contribute to those frustrations.
Tell her if she does not going to give you an HRT letter that you will fire her and find a therapist who has dealt with TS regularly and will not delay you on your journey...then see how she reacts.
She right now is a barrier, and if she does not give you the letter in the next session, I would fire her. If you are stating you are TS, and that is the root of your problems, there really should be no delays. Most therapist these days do three months like clockwork, and some do not even follow the SoC, and give out the letter well before then. 9 months is to long to wait and deal with a therapist at 19. If you know who you are the therapist should not prevent you from that path.
Posted on: August 02, 2007, 10:09:29 AM
Quote from: shanetastic on July 31, 2007, 07:06:44 PM
She says at times that I'm too young to know what I want right now and maybe later in life. I know it sounds bad to say that, but maybe it's because I'm giving her mixed signals I have no idea to be honest really. I'm just hoping that she comes to the point well she will think it's time to let me make my own choice. After all, this is my life, not hers. I wouldn't think she's trying to get more hours out of me, because regardless if she allows me to transition I'm still going to see her. Ahhhh I'm just confused, what does she want!?!?
Edit: Maybe she's not in favor of people transitioning, because she was like "Well transitioning is hell, it's worse than what your going through." But I don't think she understands maybe, after all I don't think it can be worse than my life right now with a past suicide attempt. I don't think it gets any worse than that right there.
Right there is a red flag. If she is not in favor of transitioning and says its worse than what you are going through, it kind of tells me she is intentionally blocking you from doing so. Transitioning will turn your life upside down, but its MUCH easier the younger you are, and much more of a mess the older you are. It seems to me the few TS she has encountered are older, if she is thinking you are too young and thinks transitioning is worse than not doing so.
I don't know the way she is kind of strikes me as out of touch, and just a poor therapist. She is serving as a barrier.
I agree with what others have said. If you are absolutely certain you are TS and want to transition, and you have hired her to facilitate and help you with this process, then she should be affirmatively moving in that direction, and not putting up more barriers or telling you you are too young. Now, if you really aren't certain, and she can see that, or if you have some other serious mental health issues that keep you from being able to make a good decision about this at this time, then she should explain that to you, clearly, so you know what's going on, and you can then decide whether her view has some validity, or alternatively, to see someone else to get things going. Don't waste endless time and money with someone who simply thinks transitioning is a bad idea for reasons that have nothing to do with you.