Hey Folks,
I found this group through looking at resources for partners of individuals who have recently come out as trans. I am struggling a little bit with how to be a supportive partner and was hoping to find a space where I could find someone else who is also going through this. I am a gay woman and in March, my partner of almost 5 years came out as trans. It wasn't the first time he had mentioned he didn't like his appearance and wished he had been born a boy, however in the past, he had always come to the conclusion that he was a gay butch woman and that feeling of wanting to be a boy came from not realizing he could be a woman and attracted to women. In march, however, the conversation went differently. He is a boy and has always felt like a boy and is starting hormone therapy. This was the first time since deciding he was a butch woman that he had brought this topic of conversation up.
Everything has been moving pretty quickly since March and Last night, he received his first dose of T. We went together and I had an extremely raw reaction to it and promptly burst into tears. My partner, understandably so, was not happy with my reaction and was upset because he felt that my crying turned it around and made it about me. My intention was not this, however I have felt very much an outsider in this process as my partner has not involved me in the discussion part of anything. He is someone who processes things internally and I am trying to respect that but what it looks like on the other end is, "I've made this decision, get used to it" without the ability of me to discuss my thoughts and feelings on it. I am so proud of the fact that he has been able to go through this and I think he is so brave, but I am upset that I have not been involved in the thought process of anything. I want to be stronger for him, but at this point I feel so overwhelmed with so many different feelings and I'm having trouble with it.
The other side of things is that he has wanted to come out to who he wants when he wants, which I completely respect. However, my best friends and family have been included in this group of people he wants to come out to and he has yet to make time to come out to them. He has had some great support from his friends who I don't know very well and this leaves me with him as my support network and no one else to turn to. The other reason I think I had such a bad reaction to the start of his hormone therapy was because of this lack of support. He works at a trans rights organization and actually discussed his feelings of being trans with his co-workers before he told me and they have added strength to his support network. Yesterday, they had a surprise t-party for him at work which is great because he really needs that support right now, however it was another way that I felt completely excluded from this transition. I was hoping that yesterday would be something the two of us shared privately and it felt like a very public moment for him. I still was unable to share this news with anyone in my network and am feeling incredibly isolated and distant from the process.
I guess I am wondering a few things, for those of you who have been through this process with a partner before, how did you create a place in your relationship that allowed for a support network to flourish while you perhaps felt overwhelmed or weak? And, how do you negotiate the coming out process? I of course don't want to come out for him, however I would love to lean on my family and friends right now. I think they are going to be incredibly supportive but I don't want to overstep what my partner has explicitly asked me not to do. Finally, I have been feeling like I don't have the right to ask questions, be upset or reach out for support because in the end, it isn't my body but it is my relationship. Has anyone else felt the same way? If so, how have you reconciled those feelings? I want to be supportive but I also want him to support me through this process as well.
If anyone has any advice, I would really love to hear it, even if it is something that will be hard to hear.
Thanks in advance for being my support network!
This place is actually a pretty good stopgap for the time when you can't talk to anyone else... which is not the same thing as saying I think that's a *good* state of affairs. I basically told my wife flat out that if she wanted me to be in any way supportive or helpful, I was going to have to tell a couple of my closest friends. Fortunately, she was OK with that. (She realized that having me dump all of my misery and worries and frantic half-thought-out fears on *her* would be worse!)
I do think it's unfair that you can't have your own support network b/c he won't make time, and that you're being shut out of the process. I would tell him - not in an effort to be manipulative, but just as the truth - that in couples where one partner makes unilateral decisions and refuses to respect the feelings or input of the other, the relationship is more likely not to survive. That's true in general, so it's the case for "Honey, I got a job and will be moving us cross-country" and "I'm pregnant, surprise!" as well as transition, mind you.
As for how to come to terms with that belief that "I don't have the right to ask questions, be upset or reach out for support," that's just plain NOT TRUE. We may not be the ones undergoing physical transition, but our lives and relationships will change in ways that mean we generally have to walk the transition path right alongside our partners. Unfortunately, my wife was 100% on board with this idea from the start, so I have no idea how you'd go about convincing your partner except to say essentially what you have here : that you're totally on his side, but you need your own support network and have a right to your own feelings. (Guilt-tripping you for crying was not cool, to say the least.)
You deserve a lot of credit for trying to make this work, and he needs to recognize that unless he respects that and tries to support you in turn, he's risking a precious relationship. From what you've said here, you're already a lot farther along the path of adapting to this transition idea than many partners are when they first turn up on Susan's; your issues have less to do with the logistics and emotions of transition per se than with the fact that he won't meet you halfway about needing support both outside and inside the relationship. And that might mean you need couples counseling, but it also might be as simple as gently but firmly making it clear to him how much he stands to lose if he persists in treating you as a second-class part of the process.
Thank you blueconstancy, I really appreciate you reaching out and affirming some of my feelings. From looking through posts I see that partners are able to be a huge support during transition and it sounds like a lot of folks who are transitioning are able to communicate very well with their partners. I guess I'm stuck at that point where I have tried to put my "supportive-partner" face on without any true communication and I'm realizing that I really need more communication during this process. I hope that things begin to get better although I suspect they will get worse before that happens. Thanks again!
I think it's important to discus it and say that you want to help but that you also need a place where you can talk about everything.
As a transgirl (male to female) myself I first looked for help before telling my friends and family. Not because I don't trust them and don't want them to help me, but because they can't help me. They just don't know how I feel and what is going on with me. When I told my mom and the initial shock wore off she wanted to help me but whatever she tried it didn't had a real effect on me (made me feel better).
Besides that, I didn't want to tell them unless I was 100% sure. It is something that can ruin any kind of relationship (family, friends and love).
He can be scared to tell your parents/friends and how they will react to it all or he might think that you already told them about you (which is unlikely).
I'm also scared to tell my boyfriend's parents/friends about me. They have met me but as I already look 100% as a girl they don't have a clue about my past. They might know it already if he told them, but I can't be sure. Also the thought that he might get rejected by his family because of me scares me. He told me his friends don't need to know about it because they won't get it anyway. I think his best friend knows (again not sure).
Talk to him about your feelings.
I'm glad to help! And yes, my advice for transition to everyone is basically communicate, communicate, communicate, as much as possible. :) I hope he *is* willing to meet you halfway, and to respect that just as you've accepted his need to process before he reaches out, YOU need to be able to rely on him for support during the processing phase.
Good luck...