Hi
First I am deeply embarrassed.
Second, I am wondering what you do when you get off balance. In my case, my mind is locked on trans issues and I am trying to jar it loose. This appears to get worse when I have a hard time with just getting by.
So I am curious if we have prior experience to this too.
I have other issues besides being NBMTF. Anxiety, depression, sober alcoholism, those are at the top of that list. Compulsivity seems to be better now on the hormones. I am on a strong dose.
How do you break free, dear ones...
Satinjoy is a bit of a mess right now. It's showing in the posts so I don't want to say much, part of why I pulled off forum. I couldn't stop myself from constantly being on it.
What are your ways of dealing with being who we are when its painful or uncomfortable for you?
I can't seem to jar it loose all the usual escape devices don't seem to work right now. Maybe a simple bath and candles would help and would heal Satinjoy a little, I am feeling quite hurt, and not by the forum.
I usually post and talk a lot when its rough. And try to pray. My relationship with God is also a bit hurt now too. Resentments about the church, and frustrated that I can't seem to cope with rejection. It got worse since I cut my hair, I probably read gay instead of trans now. Not what I wanted.
Blessings dear ones. Sorry about messing up so bad on the denial post. It has been a dark time for me, very dark.
Nails out, but hiding and wanting to disappear, but I don't want to do that either. I lost something last week, something went out of me, I lost the joy of being trans. :(
Not fair. I can't be other than me, tried that, doesn't work.
Do you have things you do when you need to feel better?
Love to all here.
Oh Hon. I am so sorry you are going through this deal and know the feelings sort of. I had a little breakdown a couple of days ago and talked to some friends and that made me feel a little better. Just knowing someone cares really helps. I care.
Oh god, cutting my hair would be so damaging to me, I shudder to even think about it. We have all been mad at God. You know me and how Spiritual I am but I still get angry with God. 50/50 chance and the freaking fastest sperm was the one carrying the male chromosomes or whatever. Come on, I know my luck sux but God one or the other and it just happened to be the wrong one. Or at least I have the wrong brain in the wrong body. Yes I was born a DES son too like you my dad even told me that I was a high risk pregnancy and my mom had two miscarriages before me and the doctor gave her shots to keep from miscarriaging me. Yay, what luck. So if the DES deal is true it definitely is not our fault and were born defected at birth. But that isn't the important thing. We are trans. we see the world a little different, have a much harder time in the world and so on. Personally I think in a lot of ways we are better than a lot of cisgendered people because of this. We accept everybody, we try to help and cheer up each other. We see the world from two different sides of the gender perspective when most people just see it from one perspective.
Anxiety and depression are really bad together. I know 'cause I have both.
Hon, people are always gonna' reject us because I think we scare them because of something deep within themselves that they cannot perceive like we can. We cause them to question their own genders and all those little fantasies and day dreams they may have but never act on. Or do they? They don't really have to but we do. And a lot of them in privacy do to. You may be surprised what people do when they are alone.
Never feel embarrassed. You have helped and advised a lot of others here. Now you are in need. No, you should never be anything other than yourself. A lot of us tried and lied to ourselves and that is no good at all.
Put your nails back in Hon. Don't break one. I wish I could have long nails but unfortunately I can't 'cause they get in the way. Have a really good cry. there is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself and that's what I did a couple of days ago. I cried most of the night. When I get in those dark times I write poetry, dark poetry. It lets our some of the darkness within. I also beat the hell out of my guitar and let those dark feelings out in the way of music. Get some killer riffs sometimes and write them down for future purposes.
I know it probably won't help but just try to relax and understand you have a lot of brothers and sisters that love and care for you. My heart is truly breaking for you and I wish you the very best and hope you can find a way out of the darkness. I would go to the dark depths with a light to help you if I could.
"I know it probably won't help but just try to relax and understand you have a lot of brothers and sisters that love and care for you. My heart is truly breaking for you and I wish you the very best and hope you can find a way out of the darkness. I would go to the dark depths with a light to help you if I could."
Yes it does help. It is a difference maker.
I'm actually not mad at God, I am upset with some of the church. Oddly, I outed myself with a Pentacostal preacher the other day and recieved.... full acceptance. She gets it, especially DES and other birth origins we share with or without the exposure. And I understand its about my one on one relationship with Christ, and that remains ok, but I feel very weak there, it is uncharacteristic.
Strange thing, right after I posted this thread, my Christian poster fell down from the wall. Lord what a pun, didn't notice till I wrote it.
So, crying... still have a hard time really letting go and doing that one, social programming, have done it though in here, especially when I thought I had to leave this forum permanently last week. You all didn't let me... were here for me even off line when you knew I couldn't handle being here. I don't want to get syrupy...
So, to turn it positive, what do we do to regain balance...
I need to watch something wholesome and energizing, Death Race 1 comes to mind....
Nails out, hair in the closet, so's the rest of the wardrobe of the female me
The only thing I can offer, and I hope it helps, is a couple of songs that help me lift myself up anytime I feel ready to give up. Not only in every day to day life situations, but as I get closer to making my change. I hope they can help you, and the lyrics are the strongest part of all of them so definitely at least look up the lyrics.
Still Unbroken by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Undefeated by Def Leppard
Give Me Everything You've Got by Blue Stahli
Always Been A Warrior by Chase and Status
Those four songs have brought me back from my worst bouts of depression. Hope this helps in some way.
I stop.
I stop doing and listen to what is going on around me. Then I listen to music - a lot of it, and meditate over what I'm feeling and why.
Then I let it out - for me, playing my instrument is a great cathartic release. And it expresses my feelings to a God more than my words ever could.
Then on my knees and prayer.
Remember that it is the church that can fail us, not Him.
Oh my dear, wonderful people of trans, I am so greatful to you...
A wise member of our forum who I have tremendous respect for simply said two words to me last night and repeated them: "stop it", "just stop it". It worked.
My depression has finally broken, my mind is cleared, and I feel like I just woke up from a 3 week dream.
I'll find the triggers, I know what they are- fear of losing wife, fear of economic hardship, fear of being separated from this forum, and wallowing in self pity over other people's (not this forum) clueless perceptions of trans. The opposite, is faith, acceptance, and my own perception of trans.
So, having said that what got me through this strange dark period?
YOU DID. God too He's part of it in a big, big way, divine interventions, dreams sent to my wife, the works. But it was you who directly kept me going when I couldn't do it myself.
I pray and ask that your days be filled with incense and candlelight, warm dinners and red wine (for the drinkers-lol), love and warmth and the fellowship of the forum, the blessings of joy and of the sunrise, laughter and peace, warm water and fuzzy blankets, all the little things that we love.
Nails out, hair on, fully transitioned at the moment its Thursday morning, and wishing you a glorious, joyous new day.
Love to all here, absolutely.
I'm back.... my mind came back.... wooo hhooooooo
:)
I'm glad you're back Satinjoy. I am really happy you broke out of your spell. But sometimes if it weren't for the bad times, the good times wouldn't seem so good. :) In other words, sometimes we gotta' go through hell to get to heaven.
SJ
Welcome back, you were missed.
Back to the OP. Like Luna I stop. I breathe. I try to find calm and to find my centre. Understand what I am feeling and why ... well this is my preferred approach!
When I am off balance, unfortunately I sometimes panic. Luckily when my arms shoot out to regain balance there is normally someone here to provide a hand, a shoulder against which I can steady or stability which I can access.
Aisla
I think we naturally move towards balance.
The same for being centered.
They are two different things that don't always go hand in hand, we can have one without the other.
It takes letting ourselves find what is stopping that and we just return to at least a place that is close enough.
Being completely balanced and/or centered are fleeting moments, ones to remember for later when we need them.
They don't last for very long, we are always off from them in one way or another.
To always have them perfect would be very boring to me, kind of like having everything all at once.
Then what do you do? A lot of work to maintain something as powerful as those moments can be.
Being completely or close to being off-centered or unbalanced is where we don't want to be and when we can perceive that,
when we feel it coming or have stepped over the edge, we naturally go towards being balanced and centered.
Relax, forget what is throwing you off, know that it can pass if you let it.
I relate it to being on the edge, something we each define in our own ways, they are different for each of us.
I'm insane enough to run to my edge and dance along it, knowing I can look back and see where I need to be, to be in that area of almost balanced and centered.
I push that edge, I step over it with only one foot dangling at times. I did make the mistake of jumping once, falling a few times.
But I have a need to step past the comfort zone and push it enough that I soon forget or realize how small my problems really are.
I can see how easily I can just move back there if I just let myself go, to relax and breathe, to find the calm that I missed that made me run to my edge in the first place.
It's different for each of us, but the ways to get there are always similar.
I have a lot of little coping methods that I use, we each do. Practicing them keeps them effective.
Balance and being centered enough, it can be difficult for me to find at times and it can be extraordinarily hard to find a way back sometimes.
I have to trust that we just naturally will move back to an acceptable level, one we can deal with.
If we allow ourselves to do just that.
I find that our inability to keep this perfection of balance and centered to be something that makes us stronger.
Our need to always be looking to be closer to it, that elusive perfection, we find our strengths there.
Ativan