I've been lurking around the forums as a guest for a while and finally decided to open up and introduce myself, and hopefully maybe find a little bit of comfort and help. So, without further ado...
My name is Alex DeKeyser (pronounced Deh Kai Zer for those curious) and I am currently 28 years old. I live in a small town close to the heart of Texas and have almost all my life, temporarily moving to places such as Tampa and Valrico, Florida.
I go by male pronouns, though, since I am pre-T and pre-op, I do not get offended if a stranger calls me by my birth gender since I do have quite a feminine face, and voice. Still working on the voice, hah. I, however, do not like being called anything other than Alex, or my nickname - Kash.
I grew up as an adopted child to a very strict family who, while I won't say they're hardcore into religion, deeply are not only homophobic, but transphobic (I found out the hard way) and would rather dismiss entirely that anything of the sort exists. While growing up, even though when I was young I had my own mind and way of liking things such as boy clothes or toys or such, I was forced into a feminine lifestyle and severely punished if I did not do what my parents wanted of me. I was told to be seen and not heard because I 'embarrassed' them (being my parents and family) and if I spoke out of line even by a fraction, again was punished either verbally or physically, and in more recent years, emotionally. I was always called the black sheep of the family, as I've always been different and a rather open-minded and carefree about the social ways of the world around me. I wasn't even -allowed- to have a job when I was 16 and forced to stay in my parents' home until I was well into 19 to almost 20, and didn't first move out on my own until I was 22. Because of this upbringing, I am quite naive with a lot of things.
I knew I was, to say, not in the right body, when I was 14 and starting to look more like a young woman. I still had very long hair because of my mother refusing to pay for me to professionally cut it, and with it being very thick and curly, I was too scared and not stupid enough to cut it myself. I wore clothes I absolutely hated, was around a group of people that were extremely intolerant of anything different, and in a school that had no support system for those that were bullied in any way.
Despite all this, I can proudly say that I still grew up to be a kind and caring person, and happily once I moved out was able to experience all walks of life.
I found out about the term 'transgender' when I was 24, and it clicked that that matched very well to how I felt growing up, and from that point on, I slowly grew to realize that I indeed wanted to be a guy. Only a few things stood in my way.
I had a straight boyfriend, who is currently my straight husband. I love him very much and he says he loves me, but I am having doubts about that due to the fact that I have been trying to pass as a male for 2 years now and he still continues to misgender me after I came out to him and refuses to call me by the name I chose when out in public.
My parents, who are confusing to be sure, say they support me. They also misgender and miscall me and make sure to be as smug about it as they can. When I asked if they could help me find a therapist the first thing they said to me is that I need a therapist to tell me that 'I'm not actually a male and that I'm just delusional and to cure me.' You can only guess how well I get along with them now.
Financially, just like much of the world, I struggle. Moreso as I suffer from medical problems in my legs that don't allow me to work but I have not been approved for disability. I want to work, I very much do, but I do not want to risk injuring myself and further putting my own body and health on the line for an extra buck. I may not have much of a choice soon as I am sure my husband and I will not be lasting too much longer (especially if I finally find a psychiatrist that will approve me for T and start on it) and I must find a way to sustain myself and live by myself.
That is pretty much the gist of my background and story, and I'm sorry if it's confusing. Any questions to clear anything up are welcomed as I respond to answering better than explaining.
For now I bid you a hello and hope to make some friends on what I hope is a supportive site.
Welcome to Susan's Alex.
Find a list of topics that will help you post in the forum
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
I am sorry that you feel your marriage will not survive. I know it is hard being love seems to be one sided when it comes to transition.
Take everything a day at a time. I am married to a transman and it has been a hard path he has walked and still walking towards his final goal. Many hoops and much time waiting for things to get schedules.
Being you are disabled do you get medicare? if so they now will cover all transgender related care up to hysto and including GCS. Not sure in states if they cover top surgery?
Hang in there and take is as slow as you need to be comfortable. As for your future it is yours to have. Either on the CIS side or by staying in the community.
Safe passage on your path
Mrs. Izzy
Quote from: mrs izzy on August 06, 2014, 09:33:22 PM
I am sorry that you feel your marriage will not survive. I know it is hard being love seems to be one sided when it comes to transition.
Take everything a day at a time. I am married to a transman and it has been a hard path he has walked and still walking towards his final goal. Many hoops and much time waiting for things to get schedules.
Being you are disabled do you get medicare? if so they now will cover all transgender related care up to hysto and including GCS. Not sure in states if they cover top surgery?
Hang in there and take is as slow as you need to be comfortable. As for your future it is yours to have. Either on the CIS side or by staying in the community.
Safe passage on your path
Mrs. Izzy
Thanks for the welcome. Yea it feels like a lot of things are overwhelming and I'm just trying to not freak out and have anxiety attacks about it all the time but it gets hard, especially since my husband wants me to put transitioning 'on hold' to have a child. But he makes it sound like if I have a child with him that I'll have to give up on transitioning because of the child themselves and financial, as if it wasn't hard enough right now. I'm conflicted.
Also no, right now I'm not on medicare, though I probably should be. I just had a sonogram on my legs which I won't hear back about it for a couple of days. I've already had xrays done and nothing has really shown up except it's already been proven the way my legs face make them a bit weaker in the bone. I'm just trying to figure out why they swell and bruise almost constantly, which makes it, on some days, almost next to impossible to stand or walk for a long period of time.
Hi Alex and welcome to Susan's.
:)
Hey Alex! Welcome to Susan's! Looking forward to seeing you around the forum. :)