Or rather "Cameras and Mirrors"—but it makes for a better title, doesn't it?
One thing about coming out of the closet and starting to live full-time as yourself is that bit by bit you begin to understand certain things about yourself. In recent days I've come to understand two small but significant things about myself.
(1) On this forum I recently came across a list of personality traits that transgender people have in common. One of them immediately caught my eye: we transpeople don't like having our photo taken. Now how true this is of all transpeople I can't say, but I know that it's true of me. All my life I've had a serious aversion to cameras. It has actually made me angry on occasion when somebody was pointing a camera at me, and there have been times I was quite rude to someone who wanted to take my photo.
Now that I'm out, this has changed. I've had my photo taken any number of times lately, and it doesn't bother me at all. But one thing that bothers me is how much it used to bother me. A few years ago I was forced, much against my will, to get in on a family portrait—mom, dad, us kids, the in-laws, the grandkids, the whole crowd.
Everyone else was relaxed and smiling at the camera, and there I am sitting at the end of the front row, fidgeting in my chair and looking off into the wings. My brother-in-law remarked on this, how I obviously was wishing I could be somewhere else. The photo is disturbingly similar to this one from the 1950's:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_neT8fdNk1Ls/SUBKgldmr1I/AAAAAAAALzw/oNRxMUZ97dI/s320/Pauline+Parker+%28foto+escolar%29.JPG
The girl indicated by the arrow is Pauline Parker. Not terribly long after this photo was taken she murdered her mother. If you've seen the film "Heavenly Creatures", you'll know what this is all about. It's fairly sobering to see yourself looking not entirely unlike a mother-murderer.
(2) All my life I've had a fascination with mirrors. I don't mean that I'll sit in front of a mirror staring at myself for hours. But, e.g., when I brush my teeth, as I'm finishing up, if I happen to glance at the mirror, I'll freeze, studying myself intently for a few seconds. Or if I see a mirror in a public place—a shop or a hotel lobby, for instance—again I might stop and take a long look (then remind myself to move on: if somebody saw me staring at myself like that, they might find it rather odd).
I still look in the mirror quite a bit these days, a trait that I think I have in common with lots of transpeople. But things are different now. When you're trans, sometimes you feel a bit unreal. You have a hard time believing what's happening to you. This can't be real. How is it possible that things could have got so badly screwed up?
You look in the mirror and you seem surprised to see anything at all there. Then you react with suspicion: Who are you? How did you get there? Where did you come from? What exactly is going on here? Or it might be: Is that me? No, that can't possibly be me!
Whereas nowadays, now that I'm out, when I catch my reflection in the mirror, I smile—and often start laughing with delight. There you are! So nice to see you again!
A mirror, like a camera, is a major challenge to your soul because it captures your body, your exterior, and insists that that is you. It cannot capture your soul, which is the real you. It sees no more than the hosts of cisgender society who insist that you are no more than meets the eye.
Your gender is one of the main building-blocks of your soul. There are others, which can vary in significance, depending on the individual. Others might be your family, your nationality, your ethnicity, your religion, and so on, depending on what is deepest in your heart. But your gender is among the most important of those building-blocks, and in fact might be the most important of all.
When your gender is under attack, your very soul is under attack. This is something that cisgender women often feel. Not too long ago I heard a woman complaining about how some people were trying to make her feel uncomfortable about the fact that she enjoys reading history. To some, history doesn't seem like a proper pursuit for a woman. And many a time you'll hear women complaining about how often they heard something on the order of, "You're a girl! You can't play baseball!" Or a long list of other things a girl supposedly can't do.
Women often find their gender under attack. They feel the force, the reaction, the rebellion of their gender identity. They may not articulate to themselves the resentment of their gender identity in the same terms we do, or perhaps not as keenly as we do. But they feel what we feel, even if the specifics of the event are somewhat different.
You must be true to yourself. You must live according to your nature, a major part of which is your gender. When our cisgender enemies try to force us to ignore our gender and live according to our bodies, they have no idea what they're doing. They're trying to undermine the very foundation of our souls—the result of which is such profound anxiety and discomfort that you can come to take on the look of a murderer. And that's a very serious matter.
so i'll have to transition in order to look good in pics?
nice to know there's hope. i'll aim for super photogenic, the way all my siblings are.
i did start to realize a while ago that the reason i don't want any pics of me, is that i wouldn't be me in those pics. it's not simple fear of the camera, it's not even about looking good or not. i don't even take enough pics myself, of others, because of my own aversion to cameras. memories are better when they aren't inside a frame.
It is said that a photograph captures a piece of the soul. My soul was barren, and I felt diseased. I avoided photographs as much as possible. Mirrors were startling also. "Who the f**k is that dude?"
Living full time and authentically relieves that anomie, and both pictures and mirrors now symbolize progress and celebration for me. It's not narcissism, it is congruence.
Kind of scary to think that I may have presented as a psychopath for years though. It kind of fits though, perhaps I shall take a look, or perhaps not. ;)
Peace,
Julie
can't say for the picture thing. Never been for or against pictures.. that hasn't much changed.
I can't say I remember if I found myself staring at myself in mirrors/mirrored surfaces pre-transition. Maybe just to make sure my boobs were out of sight or something, but i definitely do what you're describing now.. Stopping for a moment without realizing. Sometimes I'll find myself just thinking about other things... but starting at myself in the mirror like after I brush my teeth or something like you had described. Not even really intentionally looking at myself... then i move away
All I can say is that in the last 6 months I have taken 800 pictures with my iPhone alone...as best I can tell that is more than the last 27years combined.
Quote from: Hikari on August 20, 2014, 07:15:50 PM
All I can say is that in the last 6 months I have taken 800 pictures with my iPhone alone...as best I can tell that is more than the last 27years combined.
Wow! You have been a busy girl, haven't you?
Interesting replies here. Interesting to see that I'm not the only one. Others have had similar feelings and experiences.
I also hated having my picture taken most of my life. Any time I find a picture from the older days, I destroy it. I don't care who owns or paid for it. Unfortunately, I know there's probably still some dvds out there with me on them, dressed in capris and small shirt like mother wanted, looking completely miserable and huddled away from the camera.
Nowadays, as a man, I'm a little less reluctant and I'm kind of surprised at the smile in some of those pictures.
Wow, this was an interesting read! I've never really thought about it before.
I'm like that with both cameras and mirrors. I feel really, really uncomfortable if someone persists with taking a photo of/with me. It has nothing to do with feeling ugly, I just find it really hard to look at pictures of me because it always gives me the strongest sensation that something's wrong. Even pictures where I think the person that appears to be me looks quite attractive, I still get that same unnerving feeling.
Same feeling with mirrors. I stop sometimes (not in public though, I always avoid reflection surfaces in public so that I don't get a panic attack) and just look at my reflection, trying to find something familiar. I rarley do, besides the eyes, or irises.
When thinking about it for a bit, I think it stands to reason that these feelings of unease towards mirrors and cameras are often found among trans* people... Most of us tend to feel astranged from our physical form, our bodies and faces. No wonder we don't like to get that fact like salt in our wounds if we can avoid it.
Yes, it has been very much this way... I hated taking group photos in the school and uni, always taking the same place, same expression - I could take any of them, pick at the person standing in the left corner, last row, and yup, there he was. I convinced myself that I am simply dont look in pics and thus I hate looking at myself. But when I finished high school, I took all those pics and burned them - at that time I was thinking that I am entering uni and leaving my old life behind so there was no point in keeping them. But now, I think, there were other reasons for that :D.
I also taking photos for ID, but I had to change my passport recently and now, I finally liked what I saw :). Now, I just want to look good in the pic :). Also, pics from my 20-30ties do not disturb me anymore, I just look at them and there is that surreal feeling of looking at someone else...
I never thought of the picture thing. That makes a lot of sense.
Pre-puberty I was in a lot of pictures.
During and post-puberty I hardly have any, up until I started working, then emigrated and married, divorced, dated, married again and had kids.
That could have several explanations though, mostly that to take a picture then you had to have film and have the photos developed, which could take a week and change. Today with digital a photo costs nothing, takes no effort and is instantly visible.
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on August 22, 2014, 07:29:21 AM
Yes, it has been very much this way... I hated taking group photos in the school and uni . . . But when I finished high school, I took all those pics and burned them - at that time I was thinking that I am entering uni and leaving my old life behind so there was no point in keeping them. But now, I think, there were other reasons for that :D. . .
This makes me think. I have no photos of my youth, or any other period of my life for that matter. I did a fair bit of traveling when I was young and have no photos of my travels. I don't even have any photos of my son when he was little. Furthermore, when I leave a place, I leave it. Rarely have I gone back to a place I used to know, no matter how much I liked it. And I leave friends behind as well, hardly ever keep in touch with people I used to know.
If you're uncomfortable with yourself, you're uncomfortable with people and places that you're a part of.
Foxglove,
That is spot on. What I have found is that I come closer to my authentic self, I value people and experiences profoundly. It even goes back to being interested in people who taught or were good to me in my old life. It takes a while, but I seem to be becoming human.
j
Quote from: Foxglove on August 21, 2014, 06:21:06 AM
Wow! You have been a busy girl, haven't you?
Interesting replies here. Interesting to see that I'm not the only one. Others have had similar feelings and experiences.
Most of them are bad selfies, but at least I will be able to really track my progress on HRT lol.
Quote from: JulieBlair on August 22, 2014, 11:58:23 AM
Foxglove,
That is spot on. What I have found is that I come closer to my authentic self, I value people and experiences profoundly. It even goes back to being interested in people who taught or were good to me in my old life. It takes a while, but I seem to be becoming human.
I can understand this, too. I used to be a confirmed loner, or "self-sufficient" as somebody once put it. But now that I'm "out", I want to be "out"--that is, out and about and among people as much as possible. And I'm not afraid of cameras or mirrors any more.
Quote from: Foxglove on August 22, 2014, 01:50:17 PM
I can understand this, too. I used to be a confirmed loner, or "self-sufficient" as somebody once put it. But now that I'm "out", I want to be "out"--that is, out and about and among people as much as possible. And I'm not afraid of cameras or mirrors any more.
Yes, this was very true in my case as well - I was even taken extreme pride in that, considering that eradicating all emotions was the only way to ultimate freedom.
I ALWAYS hated getting photographed as a kid. No idea why. Today, I hate it because nobody ever gets a flattering angle. Plus, smiling just feels fake. On the other hand, I love taking other peoples' photos. It's my number one hobby (and freelance business).
smiling feels fake? but fake smiles are so nice...
one of the best pics i've seen of the younger me, was taken from behind.
Quote from: Taka on August 25, 2014, 07:15:46 AM
smiling feels fake? but fake smiles are so nice...
one of the best pics i've seen of the younger me, was taken from behind.
Yeah, fake smiles... Don't you love it when the eyes says *I hate you like yesterdays jam* but the smile still stays strong with dimples and all? Or the kind of fake smiles where it's just a good effort but ends as mostly a showing of teeth. ::)
Quote from: Taka on August 25, 2014, 07:15:46 AM
smiling feels fake? but fake smiles are so nice...
one of the best pics i've seen of the younger me, was taken from behind.
Smiling for photos, yes, because it makes a statement that you are a generally smiley, cheery person. If you are, then good. I smile as a courtesy and when something is funny. I'm not a grumpy or a downer, but smiling for no good reason just seems like an act of insanity.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOH-OwdWBLw
i might have to start warning people against sarcasm...
fake is what ruins pictures. real photogenic people look perfectly natural and just the mood they're feeling when the pic is taken.
people who can give a real smile to the camera just because they like having their pictures taken, are lucky.
When people say lets take a picture I just don't get why they would want to do that and then I get very stressed out by the situation and people make a big deal when I don't want to be in the photo and I really just look bad , uncomfortable and forced to do it and I end up messing up the photo and I just can't truly smile i'm so nervous around people and the situation and insecure about my looks.
When i'm out I avoid reflective objects and when i'm in the bathroom I look at myself in the mirror for along time hours and can't connect with the image reflection I see. I can't even tell if i'm attractive because i'm just not sure of anything.
My mom loves to tell people about how the photographer at her wedding "couldn't even manage" to get a photo of me. If I had wanted my photo taken I would have made myself available. If I didn't care if my photo was taken candidly I wouldn't have eluded the photographer on purpose. :P
I've also had to deal with the pressure of being in a photo, and then being harped on for refusing. What the hell? I mean, I understand wanting to capture a memory, but don't bully someone into it. And now, today, I'm a photographer. ::)