hello everybody,
My name is Emma. I have a loving family of three. My husband, myself and our precious girl. Yesterday, my husband told me that he has been having fantasies of sleeping with a transexual and his feeling are becoming more and more needed as time goes by. I asked him did this attraction start since he married me and he said no, he has had those attraction but he never payed any attention to it cause it didnt bother him. but now that it does, he came to me for help. He says he loves me dearly and our sexual relationship in bed is enough for him. On the other side he also says, he has the urge (1 to 2 times a month) to look at transsexual porn.i told him from what i heard from him, He is bisexual. He said no, becuase he will never sleep with a gay man. I told him, "but u do understand that in reality the person that looks like a female has a penis. he said yes. i told him, so your okay with a male that looks like a female with male parts to have sexual intercourse with you. He said yes. Once again I told him your bisexual. He said, "you dont understand, I dont want to have any relationship with them i just want to have sex with them and im very ashamed that i am feeling this way, how can i fix myself. I dont want to have feeling for transexuals. i told him so basically are attracted to a womans look but also mans penis. he said yes only if they are both on the same person. What was shocking to me was when he said he wants the transexual to give him anal sex. he also joked around by saying he is going to get me and himself drunk and both of us are going to have sex with a transexual. I laughed and i told him not happening. i really dont know what to do cause i dont want to lose my husband and to be honest i dont want him to be attracted to anybody exxcept myself. I feel like he is confused, but in reality i also think he is bisexual. On a side note once during our intercourse, i explored with his anus and he said he liked it. so i know if i tell him to go explore with a transsexual he is most likely going to like it so i dont want him to take that step. I want to know what i can do to take him out of his fantasy. He is really stressed out about what his feelings are telling him. I want to know if anybody can help me help my husband. Can anybody please give me suggestion on what to do next.
Also, i would like to say sorry if i have hurt anybodies feelings. I have not done anything intentionaly. Also i am extremely new to all this.
thank you to allt he poepl in advance who help me.
That sounds very stressful Emma.
If it helps, your husband does not sound bisexual. He is not attracted to men because he is not attracted to masculinity or male bodies. A lot of people are confused by this, because they think of transexual women as men which is not actually true.
Because of hormone replacement therapy rewriting our bodies to use our female dna, our features are female, we have female curves and secondary sex characteristics. Basically we send the same signals that attract straight minds to women.
The fantasy men have about us is very common indeed. It rates as one of the cost common fetishes on the net. Some people theorize that is because we are female bodies, female minds, but with genitals a man can understand. He knows the pleasure he gives because he has experienced it. Vaginas can be a bit confusung for a man, I am sure you know.
Look I personally think the best thing to do is let your husband know you believe him about not being bisexual, and that he should not feel ashamed of his needs. They are common, if currently taboo among men... but it is VERY common. He will feel better knowing you understand him a bit better and accept him for who he is.
Then I would sit down and explain that you entered into the marriage with the understanding it was monogamous, and that you need to feel confident he won't cheat on you, and that you are not comfortable joking about threesomes of any sort. If you can share with him some fantasies of yours that you never got to experience- but chose to never have in order to be with him that may help. Let him know that him and the security he gives you is important.
You may like to discuss this with a marriage councilor. Many couples use therapists to keep on track- it can be really helpful to have someone there to mediate. My wife and I use one occasionally for fights we cant resolve. We are going great!
If you are feeling a little more adventurous maybe talk about adding a'strap on' to your bedroom antics. Make it a game.
your husband may be disappointed if he actually slept with a transexual woman. The majority of us don't actually like penetrating with our penis because we don't feel like it belongs to us... our brains are wired up physically to run a womans body. It can be very weird for us and we lose interest quickly in that role. Some of us feel sick at the very idea of being in a male role. Gives me the heebies, personally.
Transexual porn is very misleading... the girls have to modify their hormone replacement therapy just to maintain an erection and they use lots of edits and cuts.
good luck and best wishes. I hope this helps.
one thing about fantasies is that they get worse and worse the more you deny them. and another is that they're only fantasies. i have some rather awkward fantasies that would never happen in real life, and i'm quite glad that they won't because i have a feeling that i'd be rather displeased if anything from my worse fantasies actually happened.
fantasizing about sex with a transsexual woman is a little different from my fantasies, mostly because there are a whole lot of transsexual women out there (or on here) who haven't removed their penis (yet). the fantasy is something that could theoretically happen, and i'm sure your husband is struggling a lot with this. it might be a bit like how i as a bisexual person still chose to not go for a person of the same sex as me, because it would most likely ruin some very close family relations. i'm not married though, so i wouldn't breaking any trust based relationship, but still.
as emmaline wrote, most transsexual women are completely uninterested in using their penis for penetration, so your husband is likely to be very disappointed if he tries out his fantasy with a transsexual person. but do let him keep the fantasy, it's no worse than women fantasizing about being taken by a perfect stranger who's also perfect in bed. except that it seems to bother him more. you could suggest trying with a strap-on device if the thought isn't repulsive to you, finding new ways to enjoy each other in bed isn't bad at all, even if ideas come from fantasies that many believe are weird (but are actually very common).
He would probably love strap on sex with you. If your ok with it, he would probably get off on that a lot.
But only if YOU are comfy with it.
Its kind of a shame that so many people still think and say that if a straight man has sex with a trans woman, he must be gay.? If a person identifies as female, even having a penis, you are having sex with a female.. Plus, some trans females that haven't had SRS, don't use their penis during sex, and think of it as not to even belong on the body they visualize themselves having..
What I mean is, a CIS man and a trans woman, are simply a man and woman...
Quote from: emmaghev on August 20, 2014, 04:31:23 AMi told him from what i heard from him, He is bisexual.
You think he's bisexual because he wants to have sex with a
woman?
Quote from: emmaghev on August 20, 2014, 04:31:23 AMHe said, "you dont understand, I dont want to have any relationship with them i just want to have sex with them
So he doesn't want to treat transexual women as people. He wants to use them as objects for his own gratification.
I'm pretty pissed off at both of you and don't understand why you feel the need to come onto a trans
support site.
Quote from: Edge on August 20, 2014, 09:52:09 AM
I'm pretty pissed off at both of you and don't understand why you feel the need to come onto a trans support site.
Might be she's looking for answers that you aren't able to give her, it's obviously better left up to a trans woman to respond to in a polite and friendly manner.
Quote from: Shantel on August 20, 2014, 11:27:46 AM
Might be she's looking for answers that you aren't able to give her, it's obviously better left up to a trans woman to respond to in a polite and friendly manner.
Of course. Because as someone who has been objectified myself as well as been told I'm not really the gender I am, I obviously have no idea how offensive that is. (That was sarcastic.)
Trans women can respond how they want. That doesn't mean I can't also.
Quote from: Edge on August 20, 2014, 11:39:29 AM
Of course. Because as someone who has been objectified myself as well as been told I'm not really the gender I am, I obviously have no idea how offensive that is. (That was sarcastic.)
Trans women can respond how they want. That doesn't mean I can't also.
Yeah you can, best to be polite and not so prickly though hon, the lady is looking for answers.
I don't see this as an issue only transwomen can respond to. What the husband said is quite offensive and dehumanizing. If he gets his kicks from looking at TS porn, what is the big deal, don't be so horrified. If he likes a bit of anal exploration and your happy to accommodate, go you two, but really what an earth can any of us say to help you? and what help are you exactly looking for - if any?
Emma, is the question you're not asking us something along the lines of: "I think my husband wants to become a girl"?
i think it might be a good idea to calm down a little and realize that not only trans people need support in their lives. i was once a sheltered young woman myself, and thought all kinds of wrong things about sexuality, something which definitely put limitations and strain on my first relationship, because i didn't understand some of the things that my partner wanted, and interpreted things in completely wrong ways. just because i had grown up with this is a sin and that is a sin, and if anybody wants that, they obviously are like so and so.
it takes time to learn how to communicate about other sexual practices than the missionary position, especially if one grew up with prejudice everywhere around. it takes time to explore one's own fantasies and likes. and attacking people because they have no idea where to ask for help, really won't help anyone. it's better to calmly and politely explain where the person's misconceptions lie, and how those things actually are.
you can't expect everybody to understand everything, even less everything about transsexualism. i only had a vague understanding of it myself when i was younger, took me like, 20 years to find out what really was wrong with myself. people who don't even have the experience, will have an even harder time understanding this.
it's a real shame if you don't take this time to educate a person who even seems to be wanting knowledge. even if they aren't too sure about exactly which knowledge it is they need, or how to phrase questions the right way.
Using medical terms, it's called gynemimetophilia. He is straight but gynemimetophillic, for example, a guy who is attracted to pregnant women is straight but at the same time he is maiesiophilic. It's latin and quite a long way of saying it, but the only medical term to describe attraction to trans women or men is gynemimetophilia
I agree, no need to get mad. I also agree that it will never happen in all likelyhood. The idea of sticking the thing i do not even mast- with into a slimy hole w/feces in it is disgusting to think of. But, i am asexual as well, so... No. and really we are all flawed and we are not hearing it from the hoarses mouth so we can not know how he feels. No cause for anger over second hand information.
Emmaline, I think a counselor dealing with sexuality and marriage is in order.
What your husband expressed can be triggering (bad for trans), good luck.
First off emmaghev, sometimes fantasies that we have had and have built up and built up over time, if ever gets as chance to become true often are not what we thought them to be. In other words, fantasies are fantasies. I kind of agree with Edge and Shantel so I will be extremely gentle. I really don't care too much about being objectified. I don't mind feeling a little sexy but not as just a sexual object. Does that make sense?
I would almost bet money that this is something that your husband has built up over time in his mind and if ever it came true, he might not even be able to go through with it. I would do like someone suggested and go to the nearest toyshop and get what was suggested. And then just maybe a little role playing with your husband. This may in fact be all that he needs. Maybe watch a little porn with trans women in it together and how he reacts watching it with you may indicate if it is just a blown up larger than life fantasy or something he truly may want. And if not take it from there.
But with the "toy", I can almost bet you can fulfill that fantasy because trans women are women. Its just we got a little something extra a lot of the time and sometimes it don't even work anymore depending upon a lot of factors. So he most certainly isn't gay or bi if he is strictly attracted to trans women. And I would almost bet that it may just be the feeling of vulnerability of being on the receiving end than anything else. So try that first and it isn't that uncommon hon for guys to like, God I hate talking like this not on the sexuality forum, anal penetration. It stimulates the prostate and psychologically gives him a feeling of relinquishing control ,surrendering to his lover and so on due to everyday stress.
I kind of hope this helps a little and gives you some ideas how to proceed.
I'm on the male side of transition, but I've been married to a man for a very long time by most estimates. I can't give much advice about his particular desires but have you two tried experimenting? My husband and I have a pretty active sec life and it's not exactly conventional but quite healthy. Once we started playing out fantasies with the two of us and some aides we had a much more fulfilled sex life. We find that the conventional two positions are a little dull.
Another thing to remember is that your husband isn't bisexual or gay. He's attracted to women and trans women are women. It can be confusing, but just looking around this site and talking to the ladies here you'll see that they really are just women with some different life experiences and situations. It's no different that a woman from America talking to a woman from Indonesia; their lives are different but they are still women. Much better women then I ever was, even when I tried my best.
Just talk with your husband and if you two decide to experiment, only do what makes you BOTH feel comfortable. Don't concede just because he wants something very specific. Contrary to what some men say, it's very easy to control urges. Good luck to you, OP.
ETA: I'm not going to put my personal feelings in on this topic. It's already potentially a powder keg and I'm going to assume that the OP meant no offense. I would rather assume the best than the worst. Yes, I know what it's like to be objectified by men better than a lot of people, and I know what it feels like to be assaulted. I still have nightmares, so I can sympathize with the fear and invalidation that a lot of trans women are forced to feel. I like to think the OP came here to ask opinions and have input from the population her husband is fetishizing. While I don't think it's okay to turn a person into a fetish (it started happening to me when I was 11) I do think it's important to acknowledge that they exist.
I agree with Edge, and I don't see why we can't have an opinion on this. If he sees transgender women as women, that is not bisexuality. If he sees them as men who look like women, then yes, he might be bisexual to some degree - but he has a twisted and incorrect idea of what and who a trans woman is. Transgender women are women, Emma. Have you asked him if he understands and believes that?
Emma came to us for help, she is distressed and does not know where to turn.
Yes, we are objectified. Yes, cis men treat us horribly and violently. Yes, society needs to be taught the truth about transgender people, use respectful language and accept us.
But Emma isn't here to hurt or insult us, she is is scared and needs advice.
Being offended and prickly will not help people learn we are human. Being human will.
This is what Laverne Cox and Janet Mock did right- they used it as a teachable moment.
Don't worry about and please forgive any negative responses Emma- we encounter violence, bigotry and very often murder, it is super stressful being trans.
Emma, I think Emmaline has really captured the essence of the situation and has provided an excellent analysis and a practicable strategy to assist in overcoming your situation. As she pointed out, we live a difficult existence, difficulty not only from the world we live in, but also from our own internal world. As Kermit so aptly put it, it isn't easy being green. I hope you understand that we are more than willing to help you with this, and that since this is a forum of discussion, various opinions will out. You will find, however, some consensus, virtual nodding of heads, if you will. I have read this thread and I cast my vote with Emmaline.
Quote from: emmaghev on August 20, 2014, 04:31:23 AM
I told him, "but u do understand that in reality the person that looks like a female has a penis. he said yes. i told him, so your okay with a male that looks like a female with male parts to have sexual intercourse with you.
I have all kinds of problems with your statement. First, not all transsexual women "
have a penis" and I suspect that you'll be hard pressed to find a transsexual woman that wants him to play with it or put it inside his butthole. Furthermore, we ARE NOT MEN that "look" like women. It sort of irritates me that you would come here so ignorant and insult the whole of transsexual women because of your ignorance. Biological sex characteristics (i.e a penis) does not determine a person's gender identity and had you actually took some time to read a sentence or two about transsexualism you'd be well aware of this fact. A transsexual women in a relationship with a man is a "HETEROSEXUAL" relationship irrespective if she is packing a man tumor around or not. I mean...WTF here? You are not trying to
"hurt our feelings" as you blatantly insult the whole transsexual community with your willful ignorance. Screw you.
Take a chill pill Natalie, Emma is no different to the millions of people who have not been taught about us and are fed bullsh$& by the media. She came here looking for answers to save her marriage, and can walk away with a lot of real information. Attacking her or anyone for that harms us all.
Emma, you may like to search you tube for a program called 'the gender puzzle'. It will help you understand what transgender people are.
OK people.
We have a post from a woman who raises concerns about HER partner and how SHE can deal with the issues.
I think you have all been on this support site long enough that if someone is asking for help we should be able to dismiss our personal opinion and express comments that address the situation in a mature and feeling way.
If you cannot do that, then why respond?
Trying to score cheap point is not support.
I'm disappointed with the attitudes that have been expressed in this thread and note that the OP has not returned.
Cindy
Emma, I'm sorry for your stressful situation. Your husband is not abnormal, human sexuality is quite diverse and his attraction is quite common. Hopefully you two can talk through it with or without the help of a therapist. I suspect your instincts are to understand but also to protect yourself and I would encourage that approach. There may be spice you can add to your sex life or there may not be, but on the flip side he needs to know you matter too and he has to meet your needs of honest and clear communication and fidelity assuming that is what you require (and I expect it is as it would be for me).
Best wishes, I'm sorry you are under such stress.
Whilst ignorance is a bad thing, this person is willing to learn and isn't trying to intentionally cause harm. We should be understanding and try help as best we can to educate Emma. I understand how offensive and harsh her comments may have been, I thought that too. We all have our ignorances but being open and wanting to understand is what really matters in a situation like this. I'm not trying to start anything here at all but I think we should take this opportunity to make positive.
Emma, please don't feel threatened or scared to post again. You're only here for legit concerns. I'd just like to clear things up for you so you can better understand why what you said may have offended transgender people and how you can avoid doing that again in future.
*Our physical bodies do not determine our gender, people do and if someone is a transgender woman then they're nothing more than that - a woman; same goes for transgender men - no matter what they look like or what parts they have.
*Many transgender people experience ignorance/prejudice and hate from most of society due to the lack of knowledge on this topic; we were born like this and didn't asks for any of this; there is nothing wrong with being transgender, however. We are human just like you and every other person on this planet, we feel and have emotions too.
*Transsexual porn is very misleading and shouldn't be taken seriously, just like most porn, it is merely fantasy. Most transgender people experience dysphoria because of their bodies and most aren't comfortable with their genitals.
*Many transgender people experience depression because of the lack of support and understanding from those close to them and feel they need to hide, thus causing problems such as clinical depression. I'd also like to mention that the rate of suicide amongst transgender people is much, much higher than that of the general population.
*If someone identifies as a transgender man then it is only respectful to use male pronouns and refer to them as their chosen name, vice versa.
*Being transgender is something we're born with, we feel it on the inside and know who we are, we don't do this to deceive anyone, we're just being ourselves and we more than often lead lives full of misery because of that. There have been many studies to prove that it is real, I'm sure a quick Google search could yield some useful information/evidence.
*Gender and sexual orientation are very different things. Gender is who we are on the inside. That can be male, female or non-binary from what I know. Sexual orientation is what gender we are attracted to, and there's more sexual orientations than just lesbian, gay and bi-sexual but I won't delve into that as it's irrelevant. Example: Someone could be a transgender woman and like women; they're therefore lesbian. A man attracted to a transgender woman is straight. You get the idea. The word transgender simply implies that someone's gender-identity doesn't match their sex (their physical body).
*Gender and sex are also different things. Gender is in the mind and sex is physical. We are still nonetheless whatever gender we identify as, our bodies (sex) just don't match our mind (gender) but that doesn't mean you should think any less of us because of that.
I'm not sure how to answer your questions but I guess role-playing with a strap-on could work. As long as you're comfortable doing so, of course. I hope I was able to clear some things up for you, feel free to ask more questions if you need. I know it can be a hard concept to grasp, it is very complex, after all.
I am not going to apologize for standing up against ignorance. That would go against everything I believe in. Like that fact that is site is supposed to be here to support trans people. Teaching that transphobia (even if it is accidental) is ok is not supporting trans people. Teaching that objectifying trans women is ok is not supporting trans people. Being apologetic for those of us who are standing up against these things which are not ok is insulting to me at least and I'm guessing others who consider trans people to be equal to cis people.
If I get in trouble or kicked off the site for saying so, so be it. I'm not the kind of person who will happily sit down and shut up just because people I don't agree with say I should.
Edge - I think you are right to stand up for what you believe in. I hope that the Mods do not penalise you for it.
I can understand the OP not knowing the subtleties of cis/trans matters as most people do not, so I can forgive the OP for asking in a bid to gain more understanding.
Maybe the comments against the original posting could have been worded a bit differently but the points made were valid nonetheless and stand on their own merits.
Honestly, while OP did say she wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings, she failed. Educating people who don't understand is important, but the post was quite ignorant and offensive. Especially the "male that looks like a female" part. I didn't come here to see transphobia, I came here to connect to other trans people.
It is ignorance but isn't it better to try and educate someone willing to listen and understand than to further escalate the issue? I know how offensive some of the things she said are, I don't deny that at all. They could of really triggered someone and made them feel really bad for all I know which isn't what someone who is transgender needs, especially since many of us come here to get away from it. Maybe I'm just really calm at the moment, I know this stuff usually makes me angry but let's try and keep the thread as informative as possible.
I don't think anyone is trying to teach that transphobia is okay (it's certainly not!). But it's better to try and educate someone to prevent any further mistakes in future than to not at all. We'd simply be letting the ignorance continue or prevail by not speaking up about it in a way we can debunk some misconceptions on the topic of transgender people. We're all going to have different opinions at the end of the day but we should try do our best to make any positive change we can. That's just my stance on this though, and no one has to agree with me.
I mean no offense and am not trying to make attacks at anyone, that's the last thing I'd want to do on here. I think it's best if we just try to calm down and do the best we can to make good of this. I won't be arguing with anyone so please don't try to, I respect everyone's opinions and feelings on this. I am reluctant to post this in fear of starting anything, but I will. I'm just trying nothing more than to take a gentle and non-aggressive approach. I care very much about people like us who have to deal with ignorance and I hate the fact it exist but there's not much we can do except try and educate people about it. Honestly, we shouldn't have to put up with anything less than acceptance and understanding but the reality is we do.
I'm not taking sides if anyone thinks I am, I'm just explaining my view on how I think we can best handle this. Yes, what was said was ignorant and offensive but there's nothing we can do to change that but Emma seems willing to understand and that's great. That's so much better than someone who has no compassion and refuses to listen. We should be taking advantage of that to inform her why it was. Anyway, I've really gone off-topic so I won't say anything else unless it's relevant.
Quote from: Cindy on August 21, 2014, 02:19:20 AM
I'm disappointed with the attitudes that have been expressed in this thread and note that the OP has not returned.
Cindy
The one thing I notice here is what Cindy noted: the OP has not returned.
Given the manner in which some of the replies have been worded if I were her I would be afraid to come back. I keep looking at this thread hoping she would come back, and so far nope.
A lot of good and useful points have been made here as well, and I hope they get a fair hearing.
A sad unique creature...
Erin
If OP apologizes or something, I'll be fine with it- people make mistakes. I just really didn't like seeing that post, especially here of all places.
So it's unacceptable to be a little harsh in the face of blatant transphobia, but acceptable to be condescending towards our own members?
Isn't seeing how trans people feel honestly about any given question or issue part of the learning process for the rest of society to learn from, and also everyone within the group.?
I thought that the replies answered Emma's questions very well, and with reasonable sensitivity.. Why Emma neglected to reply at any point may have nothing to do with the comments..?
We all hope she returns and chimes in, and we can all talk further. :)
The way I see it the OP came here looking for help. She doesn't know the "proper" lingo on the site so she doesn't know what to say to avoid offending someone - she apologized ahead of time for that and explained that she doesn't know. The great majority of people in the world fit this description - being transgender is not a topic that most people know anything about - hence, the reason she's here asking for our help. We are the experts in this area; we live it day to day. We should be willing to help and educate people about us when we get a chance. This was the chance.
Maybe we could show some grace, kindness, and understanding of her situation and try to help her? I thought that what Emmaline posted was excellent.
Quote from: Declan. on August 21, 2014, 10:50:46 AM
So it's unacceptable to be a little harsh in the face of blatant transphobia, but acceptable to be condescending towards our own members?
If you feel my comments were 'having or showing an attitude of patronizing superiority' then you are mistaken. I was asking for tolerance from those who are so often not tolerated, I was asking for acceptance from those who are so often not accepted. I was asking for understanding from those who are misunderstood. If that is condescending you mis read my intent and I apologise.
Quote from: OreSama on August 21, 2014, 08:57:35 AM
Honestly, while OP did say she wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings, she failed. Educating people who don't understand is important, but the post was quite ignorant and offensive. Especially the "male that looks like a female" part. I didn't come here to see transphobia, I came here to connect to other trans people.
Exactly. I get that OP probably didn't have negative intentions, but she certainly wasn't sensitive either. In my experience, if you know well enough to preface or conclude with "I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but...," you probably could have avoided hurting feelings altogether if you were more careful with your words. This isn't just an MTF issue, the sentiments expressed in this post could be blatantly triggering for a lot of people. While I don't post much, this is one of the few places I can go where I know I won't run into transphobia, and especially not transphobic apologetics. I think it's possible to provide guidance and answers to someone while pointing out the harm in the rhetoric they choose. Cisgender couples can find support for a variety of issues, including fetishes, just about everywhere else, but safe spaces for trans people are few and far between.
Also, the idea that FTMs can't comment in threads like this, even though it's not even in the MTF section, is troubling. Especially since I've always seen (and welcomed) MTFs comment in FTM-specific threads and section without any issue.
Moments like these really, REALLY, make me miss Nero. He had amazing insight and would have the right words for this situation.
I have seen people come here and make bull-in-china-shop gross errors in how they expressed themselves. I have seen members of the community call them on that in a manner that may be considered a little bit harsh. In many regards their comments were "technically" correct. And I then have seen (or maybe more correctly not seen) the OP NEVER come back. Others have been able to overcome the situation, but not many.
I just want to cry. There is usefull stuff here and the OP may never consider it.
Erin
Quote from: ErinWDK on August 21, 2014, 11:54:52 AM
Moments like these really, REALLY, make me miss Nero. He had amazing insight and would have the right words for this situation.
I have seen people come here and make bull-in-china-shop gross errors in how they expressed themselves. I have seen members of the community call them on that in a manner that may be considered a little bit harsh. In many regards their comments were "technically" correct. And I then have seen (or maybe more correctly not seen) the OP NEVER come back. Others have been able to overcome the situation, but not many.
I just want to cry. There is usefull stuff here and the OP may never consider it.
Erin
I would rather preserve one of the few safe spaces we have instead of putting up with transphobia for the sake of educating someone who is not in a position to actually need support from transgender people. She doesn't have a transgender significant other, or a transgender family member or child, or a transgender friend, at least from what I can tell from her post. Her husband has a fetish, and she believes transgender women are men. She will understand that is not the case from reading the replies here, whether they're harsh or not.
Quote from: Klaus on August 21, 2014, 11:53:52 AM
Exactly. I get that OP probably didn't have negative intentions, but she certainly wasn't sensitive either. In my experience, if you know well enough to preface or conclude with "I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but...," you probably could have avoided hurting feelings altogether if you were more careful with your words. This isn't just an MTF issue, the sentiments expressed in this post could be blatantly triggering for a lot of people. While I don't post much, this is one of the few places I can go where I know I won't run into transphobia, and especially not transphobic apologetics. I think it's possible to provide guidance and answers to someone while pointing out the harm in the rhetoric they choose. Cisgender couples can find support for a variety of issues, including fetishes, just about everywhere else, but safe spaces for trans people are few and far between.
I see your point here, Klaus, and do not disagree. I believe that the point others have been trying to raise, is that because of her lack of understanding of our universe, we should be a little more lenient and try to guide her to knowledge while in the process of offering her some useful advice. Honestly, I don't like being objectified either, but having endured hostility for an accident of birth for all of my living memory, I have learned that sometimes you can reach someone and win a friend. Please understand, this is not a criticism of you or anyone else.
Quote
Also, the idea that FTMs can't comment in threads like this, even though it's not even in the MTF section, is troubling. Especially since I've always seen (and welcomed) MTFs comment in FTM-specific threads and section without any issue.
On the same page here, bro. I don't think any specific blanket statements were made or intended. Sorry if you got that impression. We are, after all, family.
((((group hug))))
-ellie
Quote from: EllieM on August 21, 2014, 12:17:54 PM
I see your point here, Klaus, and do not disagree. I believe that the point others have been trying to raise, is that because of her lack of understanding of our universe, we should be a little more lenient and try to guide her to knowledge while in the process of offering her some useful advice. Honestly, I don't like being objectified either, but having endured hostility for an accident of birth for all of my living memory, I have learned that sometimes you can reach someone and win a friend. Please understand, this is not a criticism of you or anyone else.
No worries, Ellie, your post was actually one of few that I thought was respectful instead of dismissive to those who were upset by the original post. :)
QuoteOn the same page here, bro. I don't think any specific blanket statements were made or intended. Sorry if you got that impression. We are, after all, family.
Agreed, the blanket statement I was referring to was "it's obviously better left up to a trans woman to respond to in a polite and friendly manner" in particular, not anything you said. We are family, and while there are issues that affect us differently, I always thought we valued one another's opinions more than this.
This topic has come to a very sad conclusion. Nothing more can be gained and the OP has not returned.
I feel ashamed with some of the responses the OP received. :(
TOPIC LOCKED
I agree with Jessica.
It's sad the we do back to others what we hate being done to us.
2 wrong never make a right.
We are here for support and that goes for SO they are truly not bad people. They are just as hurt and confused as us.
Feeling hurt and sad.
emmaghev you have my apology.
This is a support forum and it appears some of the members forgot this. Transgender issues are complicated not just for the person experiencing them but for those around them. Not everyone who comes to this forum seeking support will be transgender, yet this site is there for all of them.
This better not happen again.