Ok, the rules are very simple...
follow all of the rules of Susan's place
get your truth out of your system
be kind to anyone else brave enough to post
if you are reading what some else has posted, take care of yourself and remember that serious honest can be triggering
ok .... go
i guess i should start. most of the stuff i need to get ot focuses on mental health and past abuse. And i'm too scared to post that here. i think i already come off as negative and self-pitying. if i let the real ugly stuff out i'd ... i dunno. i'd scare people off or i'djust get written off as some sort of attention seeker or worst of all i'd be pitied.
I hold too much in and have major meltdowns. As a Paramedic I tried to be as perfect as possible. I took losses personal and I guess that mindset carries over to here and I think I should post more to get it out of my system. I don't want to be seen as weak though because most here have things far worse than I do. :(
Why not, this is relevant to me today lol.
The truth is, I have some really, really deep-seated issues with my transition. HRT is one of the best things I have ever done for myself, I have a lot more inner peace, I am more stable, I feel like I am finally in a place for growth, and being seen as male feels very authentic, to the point where it is almost a relief after being seen as a woman for so long.
But sometimes, I get into a really bad headspace about it. I think about the person I used to be and it takes me on a rollercoaster. On one hand, I remember how I could just never adjust to being in a female body, and how angry that made me. That scares me and kind of depresses me that I was ever once like that. But on the other hand, the actual process of transition, while a good thing for me, has left a lot of damage. Becoming the man I am exposed me to a lot of hurtful words and betrayal from my loved ones, a lot of abandonment from friends, going from being treated like a normal human being to a freak of nature, at worst, and a special little "gay" token at best. At least as a girl, I didn't have to worry about these sorts of things because everything matched up.
When I was a girl, I could just lie about everything I was, I never had to expose myself, I had this persona that I could put through anything because it didn't feel like the real me. But the moment I truly acknowledged my maleness, and could no longer deny it, I feel like I become exposed to the world. So many people say they felt liberated upon coming out, but I felt scared and I still do. It's been 5 years. I felt vulnerable the day I stopped hiding this truth about myself and that vulnerability has never gone away. Sometimes, when my head gets really bad, like it did today, I try to romanticize the time when I was a girl, rationalizing to myself that it was safer, and easier.
I feel like at some point I will have to acknowledge that the things I went through as a result of coming out as trans, over the years, have probably traumatized me on some level. There's no shame in it, given that it is a difficult process, but sometimes I feel very alone in these feelings.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 24, 2014, 11:08:01 PM
I hold too much in and have major meltdowns. As a Paramedic I tried to be as perfect as possible. I took losses personal and I guess that mindset carries over to here and I think I should post more to get it out of my system. I don't want to be seen as weak though because most here have things far worse than I do. :(
I can relate on some level, Jessica, I take everything onto my conscience and I have an inflated sense of responsibility. I don't have a lot of advice on how to deal with that, but I want you to know that I personally have never seen you as weak or held it against you when you need some support from us. You offer so much in return, you should never be ashamed to reach out and be the person who needs support now and again.
The truth is i feel i am a strong woman.
The truth is i survived my transition.
The truth is i still fall to my knees and cry.
The truth is any talk of self harm or loss of a community member tears me apart.
The truth is i am just human.
Quote from: christopher on August 24, 2014, 11:05:28 PM
i guess i should start. most of the stuff i need to get ot focuses on mental health and past abuse. And i'm too scared to post that here. i think i already come off as negative and self-pitying. if i let the real ugly stuff out i'd ... i dunno. i'd scare people off or i'djust get written off as some sort of attention seeker or worst of all i'd be pitied.
The truth is I actually really admire you and I think you're strong. Granted, that may be for selfish reasons because knowing that someone else can relate to some of the issues I have/have had has been a comfort and help to me. (Not that I'm glad you have those issues. You get what I mean.)
The truth is that I am still afraid to tell people what I want even when they ask me because I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid to say my opinions and talk about stuff I like because I'm afraid that no one wants to know. I'm afraid to say when someone is doing/saying something I don't like because I'm afraid they're going to get hostile and/or violent if I speak up.
Quote from: birkin on August 24, 2014, 11:15:05 PM
I can relate on some level, Jessica, I take everything onto my conscience and I have an inflated sense of responsibility. I don't have a lot of advice on how to deal with that, but I want you to know that I personally have never seen you as weak or held it against you when you need some support from us. You offer so much in return, you should never be ashamed to reach out and be the person who needs support now and again.
Thanks love!
Truth is, I'm terrified to even try to open up. I've only managed in the time I've been here to open up to maybe 4 people, but only in private messages. I want to cry when I think of posting how I feel at any given time. Truth is I'm strong looking on the outside, but weaker than a blade of grass on the inside.
Quote from: christopher on August 26, 2014, 09:49:00 AMI thought I had beat this thing.
Maybe you have. I've noticed that things that have been beaten can still come back for another butt whooping. I've found that the more times I beat something, the weaker it comes back and the easier it gets.
The truth is you can do this. You already did.
The truth is I sometimes wonder if there is something about me that makes people think it is ok to treat me as if I'm inferior. I wonder why rules are strict to the point of ridiculousness for me (I get in trouble for not even breaking rules) while everyone else can get away with anything. No wonder I have trouble seeing myself as human. I don't get treated like one. Not that that stops me.
The truth is that I get told a lot that I shouldn't like myself, that I shouldn't be who I am, blah blah blah. Too darn bad. There is nothing they can say that can convince me. I love being me and I'm not going to stop being me.
The truth is my habit of putting everyone else first leaves me doubting the wisdom of addressing my trans nature even though I know that way lies madness and worse.
The truth is I love and respect each and every one of you even when I (occasionally) shake my head in wonder at your incredible stupidity, cluelessness and meanness. (All of us have bad days and say or think things we shouldn't. Get over it, whether you said it or were said to and move on.)
Quote from: Dee Walker on August 26, 2014, 11:22:13 AMThe truth is I love and respect each and every one of you even when I (occasionally) shake my head in wonder at your incredible stupidity, cluelessness and meanness. (All of us have bad days and say or think things we shouldn't. Get over it, whether you said it or were said to and move on.)
That's not love and respect.
The loss of Nero hurt me deeply and I don't know if I will ever get over it.
Quote from: Edge on August 26, 2014, 10:25:38 AM
Maybe you have. I've noticed that things that have been beaten can still come back for another butt whooping. I've found that the more times I beat something, the weaker it comes back and the easier it gets.
The truth is you can do this. You already did.
The truth is I sometimes wonder if there is something about me that makes people think it is ok to treat me as if I'm inferior. I wonder why rules are strict to the point of ridiculousness for me (I get in trouble for not even breaking rules) while everyone else can get away with anything. No wonder I have trouble seeing myself as human. I don't get treated like one. Not that that stops me.
The truth is that I get told a lot that I shouldn't like myself, that I shouldn't be who I am, blah blah blah. Too darn bad. There is nothing they can say that can convince me. I love being me and I'm not going to stop being me.
you saw what i wrote before i deleted it.i know there's a lot of truth in what you are saying but bleh. When it comes back it's so easy to feel hopeless, you know?
I'm glad you are not going to stop being you!! It wasn't until... hmm... probably my mid to late 20s I settled into a life where there were I was more accepted for who I was.
Quote from: Jill F on August 26, 2014, 02:52:24 PM
The loss of Nero hurt me deeply and I don't know if I will ever get over it.
I don't do this much because of my own weirdness but I'll send a hug your way if you need one
Quote from: Edge on August 26, 2014, 11:53:26 AM
That's not love and respect.
How so? ??? She loves and respects everyone even thought they are different. Where is the lack of love and respect in that statement?
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 26, 2014, 11:50:12 PM
How so? ??? She loves and respects everyone even thought they are different. Where is the lack of love and respect in that statement?
She then went on to call people stupid, clueless, and mean.
Quote from: Edge on August 27, 2014, 12:08:19 AM
She then went on to call people stupid, clueless, and mean.
Have you ever phrased something wrongly? There is a deeper meaning to her post that I understand. Phrased poorly, yes. Hateful, no. :)
Quote from: christopher on August 26, 2014, 11:34:16 PM
you saw what i wrote before i deleted it.i know there's a lot of truth in what you are saying but bleh. When it comes back it's so easy to feel hopeless, you know?
Yeah I know, but I hope you'll keep in mind what I said and tell yourself you can do it because we both know you can and knowing that plays a huge part in overcoming it again. That sounds so cheesy and rambly, but it's true.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 27, 2014, 12:14:08 AM
Have you ever phrased something wrongly? There is a deeper meaning to her post that I understand. Phrased poorly, yes. Hateful, no. :)
While an argument can be made for clueless since it could be meant in a neutral way or mean since not everyone considers being mean a bad thing, stupid is invariably an insult in every context. Also, she did not say anything about having phrased that poorly and there is no evidence that her words are not completely intentional.
I don't insult people I love and respect. I treat them with love and respect.
Quote from: Edge on August 27, 2014, 12:16:51 AM
While an argument can be made for clueless since it could be meant in a neutral way or mean since not everyone considers being mean a bad thing, stupid is invariably an insult in every context. Also, she did not say anything about having phrased that poorly and there is no evidence that her words are not completely intentional.
I don't insult people I love and respect. I treat them with love and respect.
Have you ever read a post and thought "What an idiot"? Has someone ever upset you enough with a comment to get mad? Has someone ever made you think a question was so far off the wall it doesn't belong on this site? All I ask is the benefit of the doubt be given to the poster. We have no idea if she was tired, ill or just distracted somehow when she posted. Everyone makes mistakes in life and on here. If you are perfect than by all means hurl the stones. Lord knows how many times I have made post replies that upon review by me later came across totally opposite of what I meant. That's all. :)
Yes, but I don't claim to love and respect them.
I'm not "hurling stones." I'm pointing out that insulting people isn't love and respect. Which it isn't.
Quote from: Edge on August 27, 2014, 12:53:47 AM
Yes, but I don't claim to love and respect them.
I'm not "hurling stones." I'm pointing out that insulting people isn't love and respect. Which it isn't.
You win sweetie! Have a good morning. :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ak0.pinimg.com%2F236x%2F60%2F7e%2F1c%2F607e1ce123596277ab918dd73293db8e.jpg&hash=644b1e9af7012150fc4fba3db59f01f8c99061e7)
The truth is this picture is meant to be self deprecating in a light hearted way because... too tired to word.
I am already a statistic, I'm trans!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
:police:
The truth is everyone needs to behave and be respectful of others - Name calling and such does not fall into that category and will not be tolerated
Stay on topic - Do not make rude and insulting comments about other people
Thank you
V M
The truth is,
I listen to too many people telling me how to be..
Some say I need to be more open with me personal feelings and share more.? Others say I share too much, and I shouldn't be so personal on the internet.? Others ask why I don't like more guy-stuff, while others say its very attractive to show a feminine side.?
The truth is, most of the time I have no idea who I am, and everything I say and do scares the crap out of me, wondering if I'm right or wrong..?
Truth is other people may consider me weird or different but I just want to be loved and liked, just like them.
Truth is I am just a normal person. Special in my own way, but normal nonetheless.
Quote from: Mark3 on August 27, 2014, 04:31:59 AM
The truth is, most of the time I have no idea who I am, and everything I say and do scares the crap out of me, wondering if I'm right or wrong..?
"To remember who you are, you need to forget who they told you to be." I'm not sure who said that, but those are some true words.
the truth is I'm greatly disappointed in myself. I've been unable to keep my finances straight lately and with other stresses and being off hrt long term, I've been back to thinking about just pulling the trigger all day, every day. I'm not sure what is stopping me, maybe a little hope that things will get better, I don't know, but I'm tired of it, that's for certain. Throw in feeling ugly and worthless and it would be quite accurate to say I'm one ->-bleeped-<-ed up person. I just don't know if I can recover from it this time.
The truth is I believe that I don't belong here. I am not in a position to transition and realistically never will. I believe that I am nothing more then an annoying nuisance that everyone secretly dreads to hear from. I believe that when I try to help that I make matters worse, I gave advice in a pm yesterday that disgusts me. I believe that I have made some here so angry with me that they never want to hear from me again.
I believe that I can only communicate properly when I am angry or bitter that when I am happy or playful I might as well run my fingers down a chalkboard.
I hate where I work but if I quit then my life just gets worse. I can't go to mental health people in this city so I feel all alone and cast adrift. No one needs to be bothered by my troubles they are just an annoyance.
At best I can suppress these feelings sometimes even from myself but they never go away for long.
I also believe that I owe people who read this self pitying drivel a sincere apology.
The truth is I feel really separated from my family and I honestly don't care. It should make me a bad person, but the people I care about I would do anything for. They are just not blood.
The truth is, I dislike my brother in law immensely for how he treats my husband. For someone who claims to love his family and to be an ally, how can you deny that your brother is gay when he bares his heart to you? ->-bleeped-<- you. I hope you get lost on the trains and don't make it back tonight. At least we can enjoy the evening without my baby feeling like he has to walk on eggshells.
The truth is, I'm actually not as hard as I act and I get frightened very easily. I still have night terrors.
The truth is that even though I don't know why the stuff my mom says bothers me, it does. And the truth is that that makes me kind of a baby. Because it's not mean stuff, it's not bad stuff in any way. I am lucky that she accepts me and I shouldn't complain. My mom has always had deep deep body image issues and every time I try to talk to her about being trans she relates my transness to the little voice in her head that says she's not pretty or skinny enough. In fact, she probably has body dysmorphic disorder. She probably experiences dysphoria in a way similar to how I experience dysphoria.
But even if it's similar, it isn't the same thing. And I wish she would just really listen to what I was saying when I try to tell her about it. I wish she didn't get that stretched out mouth look between a smile and a frown and the crinkles on her forehead like she doesn't believe what I'm saying. I wish she would take what I'm saying as something that is personal and important and difficult to share instead of saying well, everyone has something about their bodies they want to change. It isn't just about my body. It's about who I am. And the fact that, even after four years, she won't call me by my chosen name or male pronouns speaks volumes about how little she understands and how hard it is for her to just listen to me.
But the truth is that I'm still lucky. Whatever is going on with her, she accepts that this is happening and she isn't trying to stop it. I'm not going to lose her in any way. And I know how lucky that makes me. But it's still grating. I'm still letting it eat away at me. Who knows why.
The truth is..
You guys have to live this stuff everyday, 24/7...
For me being here is just a choice, and I can put it out of my mind anytime..?
That gives me self-guilt sometimes,
because as a passionate ally,
part of me wants to go deeper in understanding into what some of you are going through,
but I can't due to lack of actual experience and feeling these things myself...