I've been making friends from another town (most of whom teach at another university) and they don't know or suspect my history. One woman has even been opening up to me and is starting to consider me a close friend. Have any of you branched out to new friends who don't know? And did you think that there was a time that a friend became close enough that he or she should be told? I wonder if I will start feeling dishonest, especially as I continue to modify stories of my life to match the intimacy she's established. Still, I don't want to end the experience of having people who only know me as my true female gender.
I'm starting to get to that point but at the moment I figure most people realise I'm trans, it takes the worry out of wondering if they know or not. I'm not going to alter my life stories to keep people in the dark about me, although I might omit certain details...for example, yes, I went to an all boys high school but they don't need to know that.
If you can pass as a woman, there's absolutely no need for anyone but sexual partners know you're trans.
I made a bunch of friends in college who did not know. I came out to my class in a digital story, and it was awesome. Everyone accepted me, even my crush! :) It brought us all closer.
Quote from: wheatbread on August 25, 2014, 06:20:48 AM
If you can pass as a woman, there's absolutely no need for anyone but sexual partners know you're trans.
I don't think its necessary either.? Being CIS i really dont think i would know how to respond anyway, unless we were family or very close best friends, but you know your friend best, and better how she will react.?
I would just feel happy to have a new friend, and let time pass until it feels really right to say anything. :)
I usually let people know at some point. I wait until the ask about some detail of my past that can't be well described without the knowledge that I changed gender. I don't feel like I can really be close friends with someone unless they know (and I don't want a close friend to find out from someone else).
I made a new friend recently who didn't cop onto me. It fairly quickly became a nuisance trying to keep her in the dark. Naturally, she began asking questions about my marriage, things like that. The problem with "modifying details" is that you have to remember what you've changed, create a new narrative, etc. It's a lot easier just to let them know. Then you can always be honest with them, the way you'd like to be with friends.
But it could depend on your situation. If you're in a place where it would be risky for people to know about you, then you may have to stick to a policy of stealth. Telling this woman wasn't going to cost me anything, except possibly her friendship, in which case it wouldn't have been a friendship to begin with. As it turned out, she was perfectly cool with it.
I have a few friends who are trans. They didn't tell me. Others who knew them told me and I kinda figured it out. In the end I didn't care, and I was in fact happy that they were. The only disadvantage is that I can't go asking them for advice and support on transitioning because they don't know that they are out to me and I'd hate to bring it up, knowing how hard some trans women are trying to pass and even be stealth. I value their friendship and I'd hate to say anything that could be perceived to be hurtful.
Quote from: ImagineKate on August 25, 2014, 02:30:36 PM
I have a few friends who are trans. They didn't tell me. Others who knew them told me and I kinda figured it out. *snip*
And therein lies a huge issue. Other people must feel a duty to basically "warn" people that they are dealing with a transperson regardless of the type of relationship.
Im with Kate, I discovered a couple BFFs of mine, who Ive known for abt 5 yrs now, discovered were trans, when I came out to them.. They didnt know abt me, and I didnt know abt them... they actually thot i was outting them! It took abt an hour of back/forth PMs for them to finally see, it was me who was in this bad way. after that, they told me about themselves, so unlike Kates friends, her not wanting to let on that she knows (I think thats what she said) we are even closer now than we were before and they share help and tips and support with me. Making new friends, I have several on FB that only know me as femme, as my RL page Ive begun migrating friends over to my female page.. after a little while, I do tell them, and jist say, if you cant handle it, its ok, just please dont tell anyone else.. I haven't been dropped yet..
I have thought about this a bit recently as well.
For years I have felt like I had to hide this, keep it secret from everyone, and it was just totally draining. I was always on guard and worried someone might figure things out so I kept my distance from everyone and had no real close relationships with anybody because of it.
I have only told a few people so far about me and this but it felt freeing. Like, now I can not worry about anything, not worry about having to act macho and manly or acting girly or feminine but just be me. They already know my biggest secret and they are ok with it so I don't have to worry anymore or hide and can like actually have real conversations and stuff now.
I don't really want that to change in the future, I don't wanna go back to feeling like I have to hide everything again. I guess I would just take it on a case by case, person by person basis. For example, a real close friend who didn't know me from before I would probably tell at some point, a bf/gf I would prolly also tell but like a casual work type acquaintance, probably not. If the person is a real friend I kinda figure you have to be able to trust them, if not, why be friends in the first place. So to avoid going back to hiding I think I would tell someone if it came up somehow. I guess that could change tho if I got burned or burned enough.
You gals have all done such a good job isolating the dilemmas involved in disclosure. When I started making friends, I was driven by the desire to have a section of my personal life where I did not have to be trans. I'm not sure if others feel this way, but I transitioned because I feel like a woman. "Trans" is simply a label that others have given my condition. I don't feel trans. So if I have part of my life where no one knows, I get to more closely approach how I actually feel. But so many of you are right that I don't make close friendships by falsifying histories. I'm sure I'll tell her eventually, but I will hold out a bit longer.
Hugs to you!
I opened a 100% female face book page over a year ago. Lots of new women friends & we talk about everything. For some I've told them I was not born a natural woman however HRT, etc..... Most did not care at all & see me as a nice woman & a friend. So maybe just enjoy yourself but if you feel the need to be open to some about your past I bet they will not care. Good luck young woman.
Replace "trans" with hysterectomy or vasectomy and the answer becomes readily apparent. It's a birth defect between our legs and nothing more.
You can tell some people, but most simply have no right to know just like any other medical condition. If you accept the lie that we have some kind of arbitrary obligation to tell people, then you are supporting the falsehood that we have less right to privacy than anyone else.
If you aren't having sex with her, there's no point in telling. It's not anyone's business. You're just living your life and they can choose to be in it or not.
I'd just like to get to that point where I start thinking of those kind of thoughts
Quote from: Jane's Sweet Refrain on August 25, 2014, 07:17:49 PM
When I started making friends, I was driven by the desire to have a section of my personal life where I did not have to be trans.
Jane, I can understand this. You just want to be a person like any other. Nobody else has to tell you "their deep, dark secrets", and we shouldn't have to tell them ours. The only time I mention it is when, as I said in my earlier post, it's becoming awkward when I don't.
But if it's not necessary, then I don't bring it up. Nobody else's business. E.g., I'm a member of a book club. All women, but not because men are excluded but because they don't show up. Now I don't know if the others know I'm trans. If so, they don't care because they've never said a thing about it. But I've never mentioned it myself because there's simply no need to. It's my business, unless I choose to share it with someone else.
I'm taken as the woman I am around the people I associate with. I'm treated as one of the girls and I agree, I don't share my history or my birth defect with anyone unless we're dating. In the case of dating I'm upfront about it the moment I and my partner decide to get serious with one another. Secrets especially one as big as being trans and IS in my case will destroy a relationship so for this reason, I'm very open about my birth defects with someone I'm dating. But as far as everyday life, it's nobody's business but mine.
Ali :icon_flower:
Quote from: Jaime R D on August 25, 2014, 03:11:12 PM
And therein lies a huge issue. Other people must feel a duty to basically "warn" people that they are dealing with a transperson regardless of the type of relationship.
Even without friends telling me I knew. One of them really doesn't pass at all. She doesn't even seem to try. She dresses in guy clothes (except I'm guessing underwear) but identifies as female. Another looks passable but really doesn't seem to want to try for her voice to pass. She sounds male. She's a professor and her students seem to know.
I don't ask because it's just not that important to me, but I know. I just don't bring it up at all. I don't want hurt feelings and I don't really think it should matter what one is and if someone wants to keep that close to them, that's their choice and I'm fine with it.
But I see your point. I also see the debate within the trans* community about stealth vs out. I am undecided if I even get to the point of being passable just how much "out" I will be. There is the whole passing privilege and all. I am hoping HRT will be kind to me at least. I want to pass. But the other half of me says that I can't trade living one lie for another and being me means being truthful about my past. But it's a personal choice to be stealth or out and I respect it.
I have friends who don't know. Sometimes I have felt like I should tell them out of fear they will find out and resent it. I have always been glad a few weeks after that I didn't. Its a personal thing. I don't have a duty to disclose anything and there is a lot to lose, besides, if I want to be able to get on with my life and forget I am trans, I think its easier. Its not like issues that are affected by my past transition come up very frequently at all and I find it quite easy to avoid them without having to lie. Mostly we talk about clothes, crafts and husbands and boyfriends.
Quote from: kira21 ♡♡♡ on August 27, 2014, 01:08:24 PM
I have friends who don't know. Sometimes I have felt like I should tell them out of fear they will find out and resent it. I have always been glad a few weeks after that I didn't. Its a personal thing. I don't have a duty to disclose anything and there is a lot to lose, besides, if I want to be able to get on with my life and forget I am trans, I think its easier. Its not like issues that are affected by my past transition come up very frequently at all and I find it quite easy to avoid them without having to lie. Mostly we talk about clothes, crafts and husbands and boyfriends.
In the end that's what it's about ^^___^^. Living your life the best way you see fit. I too have many friends that don't know, and I have those that do. For the most part I'm just out living life. A good example of this was today at my pain management Doctors appt. While waiting for my prescriptions a lady came over and struck up a conversation with me. We just started chatting about every day stuff. Just two women having a normal conversation. It felt great to make a new friend too.
Ali :icon_flower:
Nobody I meet knows. I have friends and girl friends who are completely open with me, nobody suspects anything. It has its positives and negatives. I like that people don't know, but at the same time I have had to alter my life history so I'm not honest with them about how I grew up and stuff.
So I sort of feel like a lier...I don't like that part.
Judgement in all things. I generally assume that everyone can guess anyway - which cleverly removes the issue of freaking out if people know - and use my judgement on whether or not to tell people. I've only had one guy be a twonk about it, and that was when I wasn't present and he was being a privileged ass hole. On the rare occasions people read me as trans rather than cis, I'm generally laid back and matter of fact about it so it's not really an issue.
I will say that being open is a very powerful thing, but you are under no obligation to live visibly.