I think repressing my GD is starting to cause more issues than just dysphoria. I believe it is starting to cause some emotional and mental issues. I feel like I am just barely getting by.
Is it possible that repressing gender dysphoria instead of treating it is going to create more issues with my mental and emotional health ? :'(
YES.
Depression (which can be life threatening), anxiety, self-hatred, anger... just to name a few.
It ain't worth it.
Get a therapist and find the help you need. Don't let things start to eat away at you.
I'm afraid to say that it will get worse as time passes by and it can manifest as mental and emotional issues. Most of the people on this site have, one way or another, tried to push these feelings aside and continue as their assigned gender but ultimately have decided to transition because the GD has become unbearable or they want to stop feeling uncertainty about their questioning identity. If GD was able to be repressed, there would be far less of us. I suggest seeing a gender therapist to help you cope and help with your gender dysphoria.
I have already gone through two therapists(and two letters) to get prescribed testosterone but that was only covered by insurance. The testosterone may not be covered my insurance leaving me to pay out of pocket(money I dont have at the moment). I keep praying that I can hold out ti'll after I am done with vocational school(Job Corps) or maybe JC will try to work something out in regards to the medication but I may not make it. I am slowly starting to lose my mind and sanity. I have tried to commit suicide over 30+ times since I was 7/8 years old and it is a freaking miracle that I am here now.
I have been misdiagnosed with ADD but my recent therapist believed I was just dealing with gender dysphoria and spent a lot of time being focused on my dysphoria versus paying attention in school, or doing anything in a more a productive manner. I feel like I am just fighting a battle and the battle is within myself.
I know the mental health system is anything but perfect but I do know they eventually manage to get things right. If your paying more attention to your dysphoria then maybe you should focus on that for the time being and then do school. Its better to set things aside if you have issues which are more pressing at the moment and to me your dysphoria ranks #1. For the testosterone have they already said that the insurance wouldn't cover it? Are you able to ask any organizations in your city for prescription assistance? AFAIK, they don't ask what type it is just the total cost.
Yes it will. My pre HRT labs gave me 3-5 years to live. Now one year later my lab work gives me 30-40 years of life left. Repression of anything affects the whole body mind, spirit and body. :)
Are there any other steps you can take towards transition currently? Binder, haircut, name/pronoun change (even if it is just with a few people, rather than legal name change), etc.?
Have you looked into goodrx coupons? It is a big help for me, less than half the cost for a vial.
I have a binder. Need a new one though. Need a haircut BAD. I already have a chosen name(first, middle and even last name) and intend on changing it legally hopefully within the next year. I already have a surgeon lined up(none of the big names in the game) and I plan to go to him hopefully next year as well if my ducks are lined up in the row I want it to be. The reason I considered JC was because I have been hopelessly looking for a job for a few years now and have been failing miserably. Since I have no experience whatsoever, this hurts me tremendously. I have come to the conclusion, that me looking for a job is just not working out and even if I got a job, I would still be stuck here. I don't have any money for college at the moment and am in no need to throw myself into a financial debt that I am in no position to pay for or struggle to pay for. I also need to get out from under this house I am in at the moment as it doesn't help me not one bit and relocate to a place where there are alittle more resources(there are not a lot of resources here, and we didn't even have a support group for anything LGB-related until 2006 and T-related until 2008-09 and they were 30-45 minutes outside of where I am. I live in a bible-thumping, baptist ran, christian family values city in South Carolina). I am covered under my mothers insurance until I am 25 but that is just around the corner.
Quote from: Tysilio on August 26, 2014, 04:35:27 PM
YES.
Depression (which can be life threatening), anxiety, self-hatred, anger... just to name a few.
This is absolutely true and I've suffered all of the above AND currently suffering PHYSICAL problems as well (mainly from binding) and being a shut-in due to having dysphoria...
Quote from: CBowski on August 26, 2014, 04:19:26 PM
I think repressing my GD is starting to cause more issues than just dysphoria. I believe it is starting to cause some emotional and mental issues. I feel like I am just barely getting by.
Is it possible that repressing gender dysphoria instead of treating it is going to create more issues with my mental and emotional health ? :'(
Wow someone who finally gets what i have been trying to tell everyone i learned through my transition the very hard way.
One has to let go of the social grip and move forward for there own health.
Walk you path. Is it easy no, but better then being sick from repression.
Hugs
One of the first things that the psychotherapist I had to see at the gender identity clinic said after I explained my past mental health stuff was that he believes that my depression is probably due to dysphoria. He's not even technically allowed to diagnose me with gender dysphoria for another two sessions.
Gender dysphoria can complicate other problems quite a bit, and it doesn't go away on its own.
Echoing what others said, yes it can. Don't repress it.
To add a personal story as to the dangers of repressing GD (not to mention depression/anxiety), my years of repressing my GD (26 years) caused me to develop a full-blown dissociative disorder which has, in many ways, ruined my life.
I have a gender therapist he's very experienced and pleasant and I end up leaving feeling happy and hopeful about my transition. The next day I get very depressed and start picking out the things that I don't like about myself and end up self loathing and wishing I was never born.
i was saved by the internet. have been depressed for so long that i don't really know when it started. mostly because i was never allowed to express anything at home, much less gender atypical behavior or preferences. but somehow, the internet helped me realize there was more reason to how i've been feeling out of place at all times. i've always known, just not pain attention. and internet also showed me how great it feels to be able to have my own identity, and not being forced or expected to act like someone else.
while still unable to transition, it has helped me a lot to find ways of being true to myself, express myself the way i feel is natural, and having online communities where i can be the real me. it also helped a lot to just accept that transitioning is a process that takes time. lots of time. and that's only if you get access to medical treatment. so have patience, don't expect or hope for a miracle, and instead do what you can do without medical treatment. like expressing your true self, and not letting others disrespect you for that.
repressing dysphoria creates lots of of troubles, just like repressing any other emotion or feelings. you don't have to transition just to stop repressing dysphoria, it's enough to accept yourself as who you are, and understand that you are who you are, no matter what you look like, and no matter if you can transition right now or have to wait for a little bit. dysphoric feelings about your body are a little more difficult to deal with, it might help to simply feel sad about not looking right, when the feelings hit, instead of hating. a whole lot of everything are processes within yourself. this is a fight that you have to fight with yourself in order to grow strong enough to face society openly and without fear, when you have confidence in who you are, other people will find your story much more easy to believe as well.
also, get that haircut. society can't prevent you from that, neither can your family. take the scissors in your own hand if you have to, it's a really nice feeling to cut off unneeded hair. all changes, even the small ones, help relieve dysphoria, by reminding you that the future isn't set in stone, and any changes are still possible.
Had a dysphoric episode(or what I believe to have been a dysphoric episode).... It just kind of came in a wave and I felt like it was a combination of anxiety and out of body. It's like, I didn't feel human anymore. I felt like I wasn't even a person anymore if that makes sense. Was that dysphoria ?
Quote from: CBowski on August 27, 2014, 10:56:54 PM
Had a dysphoric episode(or what I believe to have been a dysphoric episode).... It just kind of came in a wave and I felt like it was a combination of anxiety and out of body. It's like, I didn't feel human anymore. I felt like I wasn't even a person anymore if that makes sense. Was that dysphoria ?
Yes, most likely.
Definitely! I've always felt like this disgusting creature-thing ever since I was about eight years old. I hated being looked at, but people always complimented my looks, which confused me... I would then look at the mirror, and feel this shame and disgust just fill me up. It's pretty awful. I couldn't understand why I had so much self hatred, since I just couldn't think of anything that would cause this sort of feeling.
I just recently (the past year) realized I could be trans, and that changed everything. Just imagining myself as already a guy made my self confidence go up by a ton, and I even feel sexy, which I never felt before. I'm really afraid of medically transitioning, but as my fear grows so does my sense of hope and looking forward to the future, so I must be doing something right.
Quote from: CBowski on August 27, 2014, 10:56:54 PM
Had a dysphoric episode(or what I believe to have been a dysphoric episode).... It just kind of came in a wave and I felt like it was a combination of anxiety and out of body. It's like, I didn't feel human anymore. I felt like I wasn't even a person anymore if that makes sense. Was that dysphoria ?
Yes. I used to think of myself as some kind of monster, or an alien, or a badly-programmed machine, and even that felt better than thinking of myself as a girl. Dysphoria is difficult to describe and even more difficult to live with, but one of the best indicators of it's presence is how much better you feel when you find ways to alleviate it.
Quote from: CBowski on August 27, 2014, 10:56:54 PM
Had a dysphoric episode(or what I believe to have been a dysphoric episode).... It just kind of came in a wave and I felt like it was a combination of anxiety and out of body. It's like, I didn't feel human anymore. I felt like I wasn't even a person anymore if that makes sense. Was that dysphoria ?
Yeah, it was probably dysphoria. Feels terrible, doesn't it? Please, if you can, find a good therapist and begin your path to transition. I'm sure you'll feel much happier and things will feel right; and hopefully you won't have these awful dysphoric episodes.
Don't make the mistake that I'm making every day, don't repress... I'm severely depressed and trying to seek help as soon as I can, that's how much dysphoria has affected me. I much feel like lesser than a person, but it's just the dysphoria messing with my brain.
i have not been medically diagnosed, but i certainly have maladaptive daydreaming disorder, some serious form of dissociation ( its too long to explain like this, i mean i don't feel i exist, i act out the daily activities as if acting in a play, and my memories of myself are always in third person, i see my body as somebody else's and even have been attracted to it once in a while- thats gross- and etc.) and i don't know really, but perhaps there is some kind of depression. who knows what else? i must mention that since i discovered what i really am and let myself do what he likes the maladaptive daydreaming has significantly diminished, so i guess there's something in it.
I don't have "proof" for this, but I'm convinced that along with some other issues I believe that repressing my GD lead to a number of somatic health problems. I developed severe food intolerances and fatigue over the past years. I had never understood that I was trans - something was "off" and it had to do with gender, I knew that much, but I could never put a finger on it. Now I know I'm FTM, but my body has known for much much longer.