Not feeling good today - suspicions creeping in once again that I'm not trans.
On paper, I seem pretty trans:
- Had feelings that something was not right since childhood.
- Always wanted to be a girl.
- Three most recent years I could think of nothing other than how badly I wanted to be a girl, like literally nothing else.
- Regular therapy, referral to endo.
- On HRT, love it, best thing I ever did.
- Came out to family, they're ok with what I'm doing and see no problems.
- Having beard and body hair laser removed.
- Enjoy presenting as female.
Yet today, I'm second-guessing myself and wondering if I'm trans or whether I'm just crazy and have convinced myself that I'm something I'm not. But looking at the things I've done, could I really have got this far and just be some kind of perverted, confused loser who let a fantasy run wild?
I wouldn't worry too much I think it is fairly common. So relax and have fun with it.
I agree, it's perfectly normal to question yourself when transitioning. I do that all the time, drives me crazy some times.
Quote from: White Rabbit on August 26, 2014, 04:54:49 PM
I wouldn't worry too much I think it is fairly common. So relax and have fun with it.
A trans friend of mine is fond of pointing out that cisgender people basically never think or brood about their gender. The fact that you're even fighting the battle at all is pretty telling.
Brenda-
Don't forget that you are having these feelings after being on HRT - much like the patient that stops taking her medication early because she feels better, the HRT has made you feel better and now you are questioning what you are doing after HRT has worked for you.
I think that these feelings are completely normal. I am going full time in about 3 weeks and I just came out at work. My guy side pushes doubts into my mind occasionally even now.
All I have to do us to remember how things used to be and that gets rid of the doubt.
Cisguys wouldn't love HRT because their brains don't have anywhere near the number of estrogen receptors that we do.
When cisguys who are being treated for "guy cancers" are given estrogen, they usually get really cranky and depressed from it.
Wondering if you're crazy is the only 100% guaranteed way to know that you are sane. If you were miserable as a man and you're happier as a woman, well there's your answer.
I don't mean to hijack your thread or anything, but I feel exactly the same!
I check off everything on your list, too, except the last one. I can't bare to see myself in women's clothing anymore.
This has happened before for odd days, but this bout of inverse gender dysphoria has now lasted for about 10 days...what's a girl to do? ::)
I think it is normal and is just the residual image and feelings you have had of yourself all these years living as a male. You will be fine! I went through this as well and it does get better the more you see the real you and get used to the new sensations and emotions in your body. :)
I spent a good many decades questioning just what sort of trans I am. After taking on the trans beast, once and for all (I hope) six-seven years ago I STILL question myself. There has always been one one common theme. THe instant "Yes" and the follow on "But....."
When the instant gut response says "Yes" I think that says it all. The rest is all excuses or justifications for your fears, shame and guilt that hold you back from learning what it is like to live as the real and complete you
Yup, same here as well. From time to time there comes up this moment of "WTF am I doing!!!11", "Maybe I have talked myself into it". Last time, I went as far as to stop the HRT.
3 days later I woke up with that strangely familiar feeling of something very important slipping away and fading out - it took me half an hour to recall that one - straight back from my childhood/teens when I realised that there is no hope. On day 4 I woke up to something resembling erection (never been dysphoric with regard to genitals, just kinda annoyed about stuff which tends to have its own mind) - next thing which I did - got back on anti-androgens.
if You are kinda adventurous and feel like You need a bit of shaking up... try jumping off AAs... and see how Your body will respond to that... Or maybe, rather dont..
Brenda,
You are a girl. A beautiful, compassionate human being. I seem to be following you around a bit this morning, and what I see is lovely and feminine. That you are questioning everything, even transition, means that you are paying attention. Paying attention is good. Remember to breathe. I sometimes forget, and get so wound up inside that I think I am either crazy or might explode. It will be okay.
Peace,
Julie
Questioning yourself at this stage is completely normal. I was questing myself the whole two years I spent on low dose HRT before I finally decided to get serious about transitioning. But I don't think I am what you would call a typical case. ::) If HRT is making you feel better, that is about the best test for being transgender that we have, so try not to worry too much. ;)
I had doubts ALL through transition. And again, they weren't based on any sort of concrete reality, they were just based on the fear of "what if I'm not really trans?" or "what if I'm not really female, what if I'm just a super-effeminate twinky guy?"
The thing that I always asked myself, and I think you could benefit from it too, is constantly asking myself "do you want to go back?" I imagined being back on testosterone, having body hair again, dealing with MPB again, the male sex-drive again, and being socially treated as male again. And as long as I was still revolting at that notion, and the answer was no, I couldn't go back to living like that, and therefore as long as there was nothing concrete making me want to change my mind and go back to being male, I reasoned that there was nothing to worry about. I also had a lot of self-critical bouts along the line of "If I could be a cis female I would do it in a heartbeat, I wouldn't be having these doubts, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to be a trans female even though I probably identify as female." So really the doubts were coming in because I was wishing that I could be MORE feminine, not less, and I realized that going back would solve nothing, it would just get me even further away from that ideal self that I wish I was.
My therapist asked me, after a weeping session where I was crying about not being "female enough," "Do you regret starting transition?" And I answered no, I could never go back off of hormones. And her response was "then focus on that. Quit focusing on whether you live up to some ideal standard of femininity or not."
I'm not sure if our reasons are similar, but I imagine that your mind is just doing the same thing that mine was doing... overthinking it. Just relax. Unless you actually have concrete regrets, a legitimate desire to go back, then there's nothing to worry about. You'll know if you've ever gone too far.
(Side note: I'm still having doubts. Mainly because wearing makeup every day and planning outfits every day and trying to live up to female standards of beauty every day is a royal pain in the a**. But at the same time, I still don't want to go back to being male. I'm just wishing that being female was easier.)
Its nice to know I'm not alone in this issue. It doesn't occur very often.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on August 28, 2014, 11:28:38 AM
(Side note: I'm still having doubts. Mainly because wearing makeup every day and planning outfits every day and trying to live up to female standards of beauty every day is a royal pain in the a**. But at the same time, I still don't want to go back to being male. I'm just wishing that being female was easier.)
Tell me about it. ;) My hair used to take five minutes to blow-dry, and now it takes over 20... I used to be able to just throw some clothes on and walk out the door, but these days it takes a half hour minimum (and I do mean minimum), and I still dress androgynously, and that's not counting the ridiculous time I spend removing body hair. But it's a small price to pay for being able to feel good about myself for pretty much the first time in my life.
Crisis averted, I guess. All the advice and encouragement hit the spot, and it's good to hear that this stuff isn't uncommon or insurmountable.
Transition without a little turbulence would be boring, wouldn't it? So it's time to ignore the internal negativity and doubt and continue on the original course, steady as she goes.
You girls are awesome. ;)
Quote from: Brenda E on August 28, 2014, 04:53:52 PM
Crisis averted, I guess. All the advice and encouragement hit the spot, and it's good to hear that this stuff isn't uncommon or insurmountable.
Transition without a little turbulence would be boring, wouldn't it? So it's time to ignore the internal negativity and doubt and continue on the original course, steady as she goes.
You girls are awesome. ;)
I would rather prefer not to have those internal turbulences if I could. Please. Please? :) When these happen, they tend to do so in the most appropriate time and manner :(.
Quote from: Eva Marie on August 26, 2014, 05:44:53 PM
Brenda-
Don't forget that you are having these feelings after being on HRT - much like the patient that stops taking her medication early because she feels better, the HRT has made you feel better and now you are questioning what you are doing after HRT has worked for you.
I think that these feelings are completely normal. I am going full time in about 3 weeks and I just came out at work. My guy side pushes doubts into my mind occasionally even now.
All I have to do us to remember how things used to be and that gets rid of the doubt.
Having doubts? Here may be one reason why. As Eva Marie notes,
you are on HRT. Basically what happens is MTFs get on estrogen the way they are supposed to be, then their brain begins to function normally, and they then begin to doubt if they were ever trans and some choose to de-transition. One case discussed was of one patient who repeatedly went back and forth, never understanding that the entire reason they were happy and content was estrogen and anti-androgens and instead believed that their GID was no longer an issue.
Your HRT could be making you content as you, leading to these doubts.
Testosterone Toxicity Implicated in Male-To-Female Transsexuals? Some thoughts. (http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm)
Quote from: LizMarie on August 28, 2014, 06:57:09 PM
Having doubts? Here may be one reason why. As Eva Marie notes, you are on HRT. Basically what happens is MTFs get on estrogen the way they are supposed to be, then their brain begins to function normally, and they then begin to doubt if they were ever trans and some choose to de-transition. One case discussed was of one patient who repeatedly went back and forth, never understanding that the entire reason they were happy and content was estrogen and anti-androgens and instead believed that their GID was no longer an issue.
Your HRT could be making you content as you, leading to these doubts.
Testosterone Toxicity Implicated in Male-To-Female Transsexuals? Some thoughts. (http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm)
Oh wow! I always said that my brain was wired differently, but i didn't realize it was physically similar to cis women.
Hi Brenda
These ups and downs do happen from time to time. For example, in my case if I'm ill or about to break a cold I feel generally insecure and sometimes it manifests as "Am I doing the right thing?". Or after a bad day for whatever reason when I'm not in my usual mental state.
I really would not worry unless these feelings become more frequent or deepen in intensity.
Hugs
Julia
I was just reading things... I wonder if the media, peer pressure and society in general with it's negativity towards trans people plays a role in making you second guess yourself sometimes..? It's just that when so many people think something is wrong, even when it is NOT, that has an effect that we don't realize sometimes..?
Quote from: Mark3 on August 29, 2014, 09:06:20 AM
I was just reading things... I wonder if the media, peer pressure and society in general with it's negativity towards trans people plays a role in making you second guess yourself sometimes..? It's just that when so many people think something is wrong, even when it is NOT, that has an effect that we don't realize sometimes..?
Without a doubt these influence us all greatly. While some uncertainty comes from questioning whether we're actually trans or not, some absolutely comes from questioning whether it's worth the pain and trouble to go through life actually out as trans in light of continued (but improving) negative portrayals of us in the media and in public opinion. Times are changing for the better though, slowly but surely.
No if anything the reactions have made it easier. I've had a very positive experience with the exception of 2 out of my 3 sisters. I was very surprised. My doubt is in the permanence of it. I have no problems going sterile. I don't think babies are for me. I don't even think I have a problem with going laser on my facial hair. I think my biggest issue is the surgery. It scares the crap out of me. There is a girl on youtube that is awesome called princess jules. Her surgery went really badly, which actually didn't phase me since I know how bad it is to begin with. She had massive problems with recovery and was stuck in the hospital for 2 days longer than the other girls that had the surgery. I know I don't want my tool, but getting rid of it isn't going to be fun.
Quote from: Mark3 on August 29, 2014, 09:06:20 AM
I was just reading things... I wonder if the media, peer pressure and society in general with it's negativity towards trans people plays a role in making you second guess yourself sometimes..? It's just that when so many people think something is wrong, even when it is NOT, that has an effect that we don't realize sometimes..?
Quote from: awilliams1701 on August 29, 2014, 04:11:07 PM
No if anything the reactions have made it easier. I've had a very positive experience with the exception of 2 out of my 3 sisters. I was very surprised. My doubt is in the permanence of it. I have no problems going sterile. I don't think babies are for me. I don't even think I have a problem with going laser on my facial hair. I think my biggest issue is the surgery. It scares the crap out of me. There is a girl on youtube that is awesome called princess jules. Her surgery went really badly, which actually didn't phase me since I know how bad it is to begin with. She had massive problems with recovery and was stuck in the hospital for 2 days longer than the other girls that had the surgery. I know I don't want my tool, but getting rid of it isn't going to be fun.
Hiya sister
Acceptance of the permanence of surgery takes time - it's a slow mental process and it's one that frankly should scare you due to its significance.
Probably you shall find in time that you are either ready for it, or have decided that you don't want the surgery - both options are perfectly valid. At the start of this year I began contemplating FFS and SRS very seriously, and in fact FFS scared me much more than SRS due to it being my face - the most visible and defining part of me. And the FFS went just fine - I'm still me. And from a few months ago I also entered the mental space where I know I am ready for SRS.
Getting rid of your penis is of course not going to be fun, but when you're ready for it, the procedure will just become something you have to do.
I don't pay attention to the scare story videos in the same way that I read about aircraft accidents but keep flying.
Hugs
Julia
The girl on youtube that had issues said that she believes you can never truly be ready for it. She was as ready as she was going to be. After she woke up she started to regret it for the next few weeks, but after a month or so she doesn't regret it anymore and thinks its the best thing ever.
I suspect its going to be like that with me. I hope I don't end up with her complications. But at the end of the day, I can't see me keeping this thing.
http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm
Quote from: Juliett on August 29, 2014, 01:58:02 AM
Oh wow! I always said that my brain was wired differently, but i didn't realize it was physically similar to cis women.
bah, didn't get to quote this correctly.. .. the Testosterone Note.. -may- explain myself... but.. i still believe the DES cause much more likely..
I've been watching Jules for quite a while... cried when she posted those video updates..
Quote from: suzifrommd on August 26, 2014, 05:41:00 PM
A trans friend of mine is fond of pointing out that cisgender people basically never think or brood about their gender. The fact that you're even fighting the battle at all is pretty telling.
I spent years convinced that I wasn't really trans. Then it dawned on me that most guys don't wish they had a vagina. And as Suzi said, they definitely don't suffer from depression over it. That's when I finally accepted that I really am transgender.
Quote from: awilliams1701 on August 30, 2014, 06:06:30 PM
The girl on youtube that had issues said that she believes you can never truly be ready for it. She was as ready as she was going to be. After she woke up she started to regret it for the next few weeks, but after a month or so she doesn't regret it anymore and thinks its the best thing ever.
I've watched Jules quite a bit too, and I think she's awesome. But she seems like she could be a bit of a drama queen. I'm not saying her recovery wasn't rough. But like Julia said, don't pay too much attention to the horror stories. Keep your eyes open and know what's possible, but don't fixate on the possibilities -- they are rare.
Well unless Jules lied, she did spend longer in recovery than the other girls.
Quote from: Juliett on August 29, 2014, 01:58:02 AM
Oh wow! I always said that my brain was wired differently, but i didn't realize it was physically similar to cis women.
Here's my growing list of brain differences in trans people. It's rather long and points to lots of formal science papers so be prepared to be bored.
One Stop Trans Brain Research List (http://lizdaybyday.wordpress.com/2014/08/14/one-stop-trans-brain-research-list/)
Quote from: LizMarie on August 31, 2014, 12:06:58 AM
Here's my growing list of brain differences in trans people. It's rather long and points to lots of formal science papers so be prepared to be bored.
One Stop Trans Brain Research List (http://lizdaybyday.wordpress.com/2014/08/14/one-stop-trans-brain-research-list/)
Thanks LizMarie, I have always wanted to understand where all these feelings come from and it has been difficult to find an answer, I know that I was born a woman in the wrong body but never really understood why, hopefully this reading could shed some light about it.