(TW? - recovered memories of self-hatred regarding female parts)
I apologize ahead of time if I offend anyone with my past thought processes and for the incoherent mess of my post! I hope it makes some sense at the end of it all!
Ever since I have started identifying as non-binary, it's as if my subconscious unfolded and memories I had kept buried deeply came flooding out.
One memory was of desperately begging my family doctor of any options to remove my female breasts and genitalia, only to be told no surgeon would perform on me because I "might change my mind in a few years and decide to have children."
Another memory was a very vivid daydream I had of walking down a path of self-destruction, trying as many alcohol and drugs possible to trigger cancer in my breasts and genitals so they could be surgically removed. Yes, I'm painfully aware the logic behind that daydream is illogical - I was young and very naive back then, I thought if I treated my body badly, surely it would lash back.
Somewhere along the way, I had convinced myself that I hated everything about me that was female, this included my feminine qualities - the online transgender community at the time enforced this ideal and like worm handed to a starving baby bird, I gobbled it all up without hesitation. While on HRT, I learned very painfully that the feminine qualities about myself are a part of my identity and suppressing them was making me miserable! Cutting my growing hair to a stereotypical short male haircut, as a result losing my long fringe and side-bangs made me feel like I was cutting off pieces of myself but I felt compelled to do it, otherwise I wouldn't be able to "pass" or I feared I would be perceived as "not trans enough." Thankfully, since then, I've stopped adhering to such silly rules and doing what makes me happy - growing my hair out to the length that I enjoy having it at.
I had let my self-hatred of my female parts consume the parts of myself that I never had any previous issues with... and with HRT having taken effect over the three-four years, I grieve the loss of my female voice, my soft skin, my slender body. I am feminine in every manner possible, just not in the manner of being female or male. The invisibility of passing as male is wonderful since I'm introverted and prefer to blend into the crowd. However, my young androgynous appearance and my very deep, masculine voice causes people to double-take or worse, laugh at me. Normally, I'm not one to care what people think but to be laughed at is incredibly humiliating.
When I realized my identity as non-binary, I realized I do not mind having female fat redistribution, subtle female smells, soft skin, little body hair and my female voice. When I watch MtF videos, I cannot stop smiling - I don't know why. Pre-HRT, I wouldn't have been able to comprehend why anyone would want a vagina or breasts but now, I understand it's much more complex than that and in a way, I find myself relating to transwomen in regards to voice and hair removal. On the flip side, I relate to transmen who are comfortable in their skin and their goals of top surgery/bottom surgery. I'm grateful that transitioning has caused me to become more open-minded, I just don't think I expected to be so sensitive to the joy and frustrations both transwomen and transmen go through while transitioning.
Echelon
You know when I was going to chase the cute kitty child around the forest, I was thinking totally andro on your core. I see it is more complicated, hope I did not and do not offend. My head had you as andro all the way, and blessed. I spotted you on line and wanted to see what you'd do with the forest creature thread.
Surgery is so permanent... and being on the opposite side of dsyphoria of course the idea for me as an mtf trying so hard to grow stuff, for an ftm body fix is like.... Wow. I can't even let my head go there. Which of course doesn't matter, you probably would have a reaction to why I'd want do ditch the "thing". Doesn't matter a whit in the forest does it. One of the things I really love here is our diversity of genders.
I worry. That push to full binary transition, the not trans enough.... That gets me going real quick... the casting out of a component of ourselves by hating it.... I don't like it. Not liking it physically or socially, fine. Hating our selves... not fine. Self hate is not cool. Yet I sure get how it is with body dysphoria, I have it bad. I just don't hate the male component anymore.
I used to. I thought he let me down. I thought he was a failure at being a him. I thought he didn't protect me enough. I never saw how hard he tried to understand Satinjoy. Now, SJ and Satinjoy can respect and love each other for who they are. And they are both me anyway, just opposite sides of a trans diamond core.
The hormones I guess are reversible, the bodies can morph, but the surgeries need to come from our cores, when we figure that part out, it has to be from a very stable place. Regret is not something we can afford. And hating a component, theres a lot behind all that. I hated the male, then the female, then me. Then neither. It took a lot of work to get out of that, and know as a nonbinary soul with eyes wide open, I can make my choices. See what I need to see from the side that works for me. Appreciate me, all of me.
Deep voices can be sexy as heck. You getting laughed at deserves this mtf ripping someone's ass off. Laughter is the most cruel thing a person can use. It can also be a terrific healing tool. Powerful like the surgeons knife, cuts either way.
So, you are supported here, whatever you do, but have your eyes wide open. It sounds to me like full andro presentation would work wonders for you. Meaning that perfect balance between the male and female presentations, a blended person, eye candy for you, and joyous for everyone you meet.
Those instincts can be strong later dear. Take your time....
Blessings and warmest wishes.
SJ
Satinjoy,
First of all, thank you for responding - it means a lot, more than you could possibly ever know. There's no need to apologize, you could never offend me and never previously did. :)
Oh, believe me, I am most definitely androgynous at the core - well, at the very least, my gender expression is androgynous. I consider myself to have both feminine and masculine qualities - my ideal physical body would be flat-chested with genderless traits (bottom half). Basically, the description of my kitty child I wrote in the Forest thread.
On that note, when you posted in that thread, I had all the intentions of responding but it's been years since I've role-played and being inspired from your reply just now, I have an idea swirling around my head and intend to post after I finish this reply ;D
I probably would not have any reaction at all. To be honest, I would understand why! Sure, in the past, I have yearned to have a biological penis - a part of me still does but if I magically woke up tomorrow with one, I would be deeply conflicted - I would be torn between "My wish came true!" and "Oh great, now I'm going to have to tuck the darn thing!"
The male part of me only desires the penis for appearance reasons. Sex doesn't interest me. Sure, I participate in masturbation but it's only to satisfy the libido - I rarely enjoy it for the sake of pleasure (never have pre-HRT either). Peeing standing up doesn't concern me but if I had the option, it could be interesting to be able to "switch" between genders depending on how I feel that day (i.e. pee sitting down in female restroom, pee standing up in mens restroom) but at the moment, being non-binary and feeling genderless the way I do, I avoid binary toilets altogether due to the stress they give me. I currently use the unisex restrooms when available.
Thankfully, I have many, many years ahead of me to introspect on my options for bottom surgery. Top surgery is happening without a doubt - breasts hinder my androgynous presentation. Ideally, from the deepest parts of my core, I would love nothing more than to have no genitals down there. But upon researching the surgery options, it's a lot easier to have metoidioplasty with modifications so I can still at least have the minimal genitalia I can have without risking the chance of removing erectile tissue and being unable to get it back.
I no longer harbor any hate towards the female side of me, my physical body or myself at all. I think I was just quite taken back that embracing my non-binary identity reminded me of how much I once hated myself whereas now, identifying as NB has made me feel happier and much more comfortable within my skin than I ever did identifying as male or female. I feel like I have taken a step forward, another leap of self-awareness achieved about myself.
To the forest thread! ;D
Thank you again
Jacey
EchelonHunt,
Great comments! A lot of people are thinking a little deeper about the binary life and taking exception to being so neatly packaged for the rest of society. Sending you a pm that you will find interesting....Shan