I'm very new here and for a reason. Although I'm older... 66... it is only within the last 2-3 weeks that I've realized I'm transgender. Through 4 years of therapy for other reasons (well, maybe not, after all), I had one more box I had to open and look into. I've made a lot of discoveries about myself and I've made a lot of progress. This last box to be opened scared the living daylights out of me even before opening it and it took me several weeks to face looking into it.
I'd begun to think transgender, but I kept pushing it away. I had a couple tough sessions with my shrink trying to deal with this. On the drive home from therapy one day, the words came out of my mouth, "I am a woman." I can't even tell you where those words came from, but I felt an immediate calm come over me. I smiled to myself. If felt good about myself.
When I went home, I put my 'girl' clothes on and walked around as if on air. Again, my mouth opened and this time I was saying, "I love me!" and I meant it.
In my next therapy session, I told my shrink about this and how happy it made me. I'm missing a week of therapy because of Labor Day but told shrink I might be telling my wife before my next session. Now I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll lose my wife, my adult children, my job, my friends... let's see... is there something else I could lose too? Well there that goes too.
My therapy started as a condition of my wife continuing our relationship after finding out about a secret I'd kept from her about another, let's say, fetish-like activity. She felt lied to, betrayed, etc. The therapy has been the best thing in the world for me, and recently my wife has been saying how much she loves me... how things are so good... and I do love her in return. So now I feel like I'm poised with a chain saw to chop our relationship apart and cut her heart out. I can't possibly imagine my wife wanting to continue a relationship with me as a trans-woman. I'm afraid of hurting her and hurting my family, even knowing how much it will hurt me if I can't be true to who I am. I feel that if I do love my wife, I owe it to her to tell her now and not keep it hidden from her.
My older daughter is to be married next summer (and as clergy, I'd be performing the service) and I feel somewhat of an obligation NOT to be in transition in a noticeable way at that point, but I need to do something!!
On the one hand, we aren't in a position financially to split up and go our own way, but I can't use that as a crutch and false hope that it might keep us together.
Heck, I'd be happy moving into another bedroom of the house and just being close friends to my wife, but I have little hope for that either.
I look at myself in the mirror and see a bald head... yeah, maybe a wig, but I'd so, so love to have a nice head of hair and be able to change hair styles. There are some other features that could be changed...if I'm not too old...and if we aren't too poor (and look, I still say 'we'...)
Oh, I'm sorry to get on here and just sob like this. I started reading the sticky thread about people who did NOT lose everything and that's nice, but is there anyone out there who can relate to my situation? Old, afraid, anxious to plan transition but afraid to think about it?
Of older people here, have you managed to save your marriage or at least keep a relationship between you? How??
Anything any of you can say might help. I don't know... I've just got to get past my fears.
Hi sweetie! Your post is so much like everyone's here. We have all been in the newly discovered and scared to death period when we are totally lost as what to do next. That varies for everyone so there is no cookie cutter answer at all. I started transition at 47 and lost a 16 year marriage and a 16 1/2 year old daughter. My son 15 1/2 stayed with me and has been a rock of comfort and acceptance. What I can definitely tell you is this issue will not go away and now that you have an idea of what is going on it will get much worse every day you decide to fight it. Can you have a life after Transition? Yes, totally. I am so glad you have a Therapist now and us to help out when we can. We lose a lot, but what we gain is worth it, our true selves we no longer have to hide. I hope you find the path that is right for you. If you choose transition know it is expensive and you will have some loss, anxiety and the world will be completely different from then on. Good luck! :)
I am 52 and told my wife 19 months ago and my wife told our (16 year old at the time) daughter 3 months ago. We had some rough times but things are better now. I hope as time goes on we can adapt. I do not know if she understands how transition will continue to go on for a while. I am hoping slow change is manageable. My wife said a little while ago that 16 years ago when I gave up alcohol and drugs she thought that was difficult on our relationship ( I was curled up in a ball crying for a day and it took a year to get better) but the past year was much worse.
Fear is something I am working on actively. I am reading , "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron (the book was given to me by a sponsor). I work on fear with my therapist and it takes many forms. I developed a lot of defenses to fear and violence. I need to deconstruct them and it is difficult but the payout is unbelievable and well worth the work.
Hi older you are definitely not alone here I hit the wall just before my 63th birthday and was alone at the time. It was the most horrible experience in my life and I cried for three months then finally accepted the fact that I had really known all my life.I called my ex with whom I had been married to for 20 years and she came back to me and supports me 1000% she always knew I was different but really didn't know how much. She is 71 and I love her dearly. I have now been on HRT for 8 months and feel great it actually cleared up all my joint pain ,great side affect, but I still look like Shrek. Oh well I am an old lady.Good luck to you just keep the communication between the two of you open and honest because there will be 10,000 questions to be answered and you both have a lot to learn. Hugs Patty
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 01, 2014, 07:19:43 PM
Hi sweetie! Your post is so much like everyone's here. We have all been in the newly discovered and scared to death period when we are totally lost as what to do next. That varies for everyone so there is no cookie cutter answer at all.
Today is my 18th day, and I'm still in that period!! Urg!! If only these darn gender therapists would answer my emails. I get that it's a holiday weekend, but I sent it on Thursday, a mere 30 minutes after he replied to one of my earlier emails.
iiMTF
Thanks to each of you. I know that I need to talk with my wife. I won't know how she'll react until I do. But I do owe her the truth and as much as I'm desperate for support, I also know I have to think about supporting her. I'm mired in my own conflicting thoughts and feelings, but have to think of what this will do to her as well. Whether she can stick with me or not, I should support her as much as I can.
I'm worried and afraid about planning and starting a transition as much as I am excited and anxious to get to that point. justpat, I had to laugh when you said you look like Shrek! Yes, I'm an old lady too and I need to get used to that idea. I don't like to think people now see me as being as old as I am, so maybe that could be true when I finally present as a woman. I guess we're a lot like cis women in that we'll never be happy with how we look. We have the added layer of worrying about whether we'll pass.
And even as I've sort of cleared my head for now, I know I'll be all over the place before I actually get up the courage to talk with my wife. I guess I'm afraid of letting those words out of my mouth. As I've read here from others, once the words are out of your mouth, you can't put them back in. But the words ARE already out of my mouth. I know. And if I don't act, I won't be happy with myself.
I'm the same age as you, OlderTG. I came out to my wife nine years ago. It took her some time to accept my being transgender but now she does. I'm not going to have the surgery but I have transitioned emotionally and spiritually. give your family some ime and space. It's a lot to digest.
:)
To live authentically is to truly, finally, live! Your marriage may not survive, but both of you will. I suggest that if your wife is willing, you find someone you can both relate to and begin to talk with a professional in the middle. Transition brings out many emotions, many of them pretty raw.
My wife tried, I tried - it eventually fell apart. We will be okay. You will too.
Hair sometimes comes back. My head glinted pretty brightly, but it is better than it was, and will get better yet. Spironolactone helps, 5% Minoxidil helps, Finisteride helps. A couple of years helps too. ;) Hang in there, you're in a pretty good place to grow, become, be yourself.
Julie