So I figured it makes no sense to date openly as I am getting my surgery in November. Most guys who like TS love them because their special. (Not all, but MOST). I am very passable and could get away easily. What are your thoughts on it.
When I say stealth I mean going on dates for a while, then eventually spilling tea but saying I am post op or was born with Kilfiners something to that matter. A man who loves me shouldn't care. Pussy is pussy lol. I know the children part would be an issue tho.
Well I don't think I will be stealth to that extreme. Just the beggining when I meet men. Eventually I will tell them but once they get to know me for me and not freaked out cause I had a dick lol. I'm planning on saying I was born with a vagina but no ovaries instead I had testicles.
The only warning about not telling your lover on your past is this:
It takes only 1 jerk from your past babbling or a close parents innadvertently using your old name (we all know that never ever happens right?)
You then have a drama on your hands.
Quote from: Samantha007 on September 02, 2014, 12:57:05 PM
I am almost 6 months post-op, leading a very stealth lifestyle. Stealth is not only about guys. It is about living as a 100% woman without anybody knowing about your past. That includes friends, neighbours, acquaintances, employer, partner and everyone you meet on a daily basis. I have been leading a stealth lifestyle for the last 6 years (except with former boyfriends who obviously knew because of my pre-op status). Since srs, I have been living completely stealth, even with guys I have been intimate with. It was fun at first until I met my current boyfriend. I feel like I'm carrying a big secret, and this is beginning to bother me. I really don't want him to find out a few years' time and accuse me of being dishonest. I also want him to love me for who I really am. This has lead me to think about other people in my life too. No one in my entourage knows about me. I sometimes think that people should like me for who I really am. Yes I am a 100% woman but the fact remains that I am not a biological woman. I am a transwoman. Stealth has its pros and cons. I think unless we love ourselves as trans, no one will truly love us. We need to be proud of who we are. The mistake that I have been making up until recently is that I forgot that I am a transwoman. I convinced myself that I was no different to any woman. That is wrong as I am different to most women on earth. I am a transwoman (despite being born with xxy chromosomes), something which should be celebrated rather than being ashamed of. Having said that, I think it is going to be a while before I am able to summon the courage to tell my current bf.
hugs,
Samantha x
Hi Samantha, I love this post! I have been living in stealth for a long time, but my life is a little bit different. I don't let myself get involved in relationships that could end up being devastating. The art of stealth is actually quite tricky to pull off and requires more of a desire to being a bit of a loner, but it is not without it's rewards either. As soon as you tell that boyfriend, you run into the old problem of who he knows or friends of friends. The next thing you know people are staring at you funny in the break room at work.
I do agree that I constantly remind myself that I am a trans woman and I agree it should be something to celebrate instead of bury, but it is what it is I guess. I do agree that if you truly love yourself, then it makes it very easy for others to love you back!
I've been mulling over the whole issue of dating and boyfriends and stealth for a while.
I must say that I would find the effort of going stealth totally exhausting. This certainly doesn't mean that I am happy for any old joe to know about my past, but with my circle of friends and professional acquaintances, for me it would be crazy to reinvent myself, throwing all of my history away in the process. So yeah, if I'm known as the girl who used to be a guy, so be it - not ideal. But if people want to be with me because of who I am now, not for who I used to be, these are the right people for me to have in my life.
Yes, there are definite insecurities about being trans and also attractive to men, but between some of the unsolicited comments I have started to receive from people around the city, as well as a totally unexpected recent reaction from a friend of mine, I am hopeful that some decent guy will want to be with me despite the history of my "lower bits" :D
Quote from: Samantha007 on September 02, 2014, 12:57:05 PM
I am almost 6 months post-op, leading a very stealth lifestyle. Stealth is not only about guys. It is about living as a 100% woman without anybody knowing about your past. That includes friends, neighbours, acquaintances, employer, partner and everyone you meet on a daily basis. I have been leading a stealth lifestyle for the last 6 years (except with former boyfriends who obviously knew because of my pre-op status). Since srs, I have been living completely stealth, even with guys I have been intimate with. It was fun at first until I met my current boyfriend. I feel like I'm carrying a big secret, and this is beginning to bother me. I really don't want him to find out a few years' time and accuse me of being dishonest. I also want him to love me for who I really am. This has lead me to think about other people in my life too. No one in my entourage knows about me. I sometimes think that people should like me for who I really am. Yes I am a 100% woman but the fact remains that I am not a biological woman. I am a transwoman. Stealth has its pros and cons. I think unless we love ourselves as trans, no one will truly love us. We need to be proud of who we are. The mistake that I have been making up until recently is that I forgot that I am a transwoman. I convinced myself that I was no different to any woman. That is wrong as I am different to most women on earth. I am a transwoman (despite being born with xxy chromosomes), something which should be celebrated rather than being ashamed of. Having said that, I think it is going to be a while before I am able to summon the courage to tell my current bf.
hugs,
Samantha x
That's simply impossible, my jobs require background checks etc, as do apartments etc. There is no true stealth without breaking the law, and one could start with a new SS# as an undocumented immigrant, that is a vague but far fetched possibility.
Quote from: nicolegn7 on September 02, 2014, 02:03:01 AM
So I figured it makes no sense to date openly as I am getting my surgery in November. Most guys who like TS love them because their special. (Not all, but MOST). I am very passable and could get away easily. What are your thoughts on it.
When I say stealth I mean going on dates for a while, then eventually spilling tea but saying I am post op or was born with Kilfiners something to that matter. A man who loves me shouldn't care. Pussy is pussy lol. I know the children part would be an issue tho.
i think you have the right idea. im post op and in my 20s and i do not openly share that im trans until after a few dates and i find we like each other. gives us a chance to you know.get to know each other. i have found this works well TBH
Quote from: Samantha007 on September 03, 2014, 06:56:40 AM
Well, it depends how long you've been living full time. I started when I was a teenager, and I am a holder of a Gender Recognition Certificate. Here in the UK, you don't have to disclose anything to your employers regarding former names for background checks, etc. Even when applying for Crimininal Records Bureau checks, you can fill in a separate form and send it separate from your employers forms. Only a senior member of staff can have access to your data. It's called the powerful Gender Recognition Atc 2004 (amended in 2010). Living stealth is possible as far as employers and authorities are concerned. Not sure, it's a good idea to be stealth with long term partners and every single person you know, though. It creates another closet. I know this from experience.
hugs,
Samantha xx
Absolutely agreed that if you started really young stealth is perfectly possibly. If you start late, once you already have a substantial social and professional history, that tends to complicate things.
Of course I'd like to wipe from people's minds that I was ever male, but that machine only exists in Men In Black :D
Quote from: Julia-Madrid on September 03, 2014, 12:00:40 PM
Of course I'd like to wipe from people's minds that I was ever male, but that machine only exists in Men In Black :D
Interesting. I thought I'd feel that way, but my transition is such a part of my (recent) past not to mention an amazing experience, that it's hard to talk about what's going on with me without alluding to it.
Quote from: suzifrommd on September 03, 2014, 12:04:06 PM
Interesting. I thought I'd feel that way, but my transition is such a part of my (recent) past not to mention an amazing experience, that it's hard to talk about what's going on with me without alluding to it.
You know Suzi, allow me to contradict myself a little and say that I agree with you ;D. My friends and close work colleagues are naturally curious and find my changes and occasional escapades quite interesting. And like you, I am having amazing experiences without even needing to go out and look for them! :o
Let me try go for more accuracy: some family members are finding my transition challening to assimilate. They're candidates for memory-blitzing. So are the acquaintances, distant "friends" and so on whose main interest in me is for my novelty value. It's all a fantasy, I know - they'd talk to each other at some point, boo hoo hoo!
Quote from: nicolegn7 on September 02, 2014, 02:03:01 AM
When I say stealth I mean going on dates for a while, then eventually spilling tea but saying I am post op or was born with Kilfiners something to that matter. A man who loves me shouldn't care. Pussy is pussy lol. I know the children part would be an issue tho.
Every situation is different, but that's the way to do, it worked well for me, I eventually told my boyfriend my history when he proposed marriage and got engaged, he didn't freak out, but was surprised, we dealt with it and are now 4 years married, he loves me for the person I am and completely accepts me as a woman.
As for the children part, well a woman at my age, it doesn't arise, these days as a housewife, he cares more about my cooking and housewife skills than my long past distance history pre transition that he never knew, he's a typical man and Im just a typical woman.
Quote from: Samantha007 on September 03, 2014, 07:59:48 PM
Transition is not to be assimilated. The process of assimilation is not to be applied here. Assimilation is about conforming and adopting something literally. It is the process by which a person or a group of people acquire the social and psychological characteristics of another group. For example, you could say "Waves of immigrants have been assimilated into the American culture."
Transition is to be understood and accepted as a natural phenomenon in life, in my view.
hugs,
Samantha x
Hi Samantha. :). There are two meanings for the word "assimilate" so we are both right - http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/assimilate.
Transition is definitely to be understood and accepted, but it is an uncommon phenomenon and many people find it hard. I am not militant about it, but rather tend to educate and inform. Gently.
Hugs
Julia.
Disclosing to partners, though not necessarily on the first date is powerful as it shows trust, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
I also dislike the term stealth, as it implies hiding, being in receipt of cis privilege is a much less damaging way of talking about it.
Um I don't know if stealth could work for sex.
I am a year and a halfpost op and I still have scarring that is visible without pubic hair present.
ps if your going to be seeing Brassard I like nearby. Send me a PM if you want me to come on over with a care package or something :)
Ladies remember I said dating stealth for a limited time! I know it can't be done forever but for a few months dating someone it surely can. I started at age 14 and all my documents are changed. I am very passable. I just want someone to get to know me for me first before they make the decision if they want to be with a post op transgender. I feel as though I am fully woman and look fully woman so they will still be attracted to me, Only problem will be the child bearing thing. Being stealth is pretty much impossible now days but dating wise, I think it's easily attainable. Now getting married and living with a man for many many years, eventually it will come out but I would have told him by then
Sometimes a woman's past is her business. Any cis women that meets a new man does not go into details about her previous lover/man. If you look nice & feel like a woman maybe just go forward. That's after your GRS of course. You should tell a man that you cannot have children for some reason but I think that's all you should tell him at some point in time.
I've dated & enjoyed a lot of nice men. I've given oral & received anal sex with a lot of men as their nice woman. Men do not expect us to tell them everything, they are into the moment & passion & the future.
So to me after your GRS & healing period you are a woman! Just enjoy being a new woman & go forward with your life to find a good man.
Good luck GF.
Stealth yet posing in an open, public forum doesn't seem to make sense. It's also a breeding ground for violence. Why not just say, "this is who I am" and be done with it?
Quote from: Natalie on October 13, 2014, 06:44:50 AM
Stealth yet posing in an open, public forum doesn't seem to make sense. It's also a breeding ground for violence. Why not just say, "this is who I am" and be done with it?
Unfortunately we live in a society where it's just not easy to say this is who I am before being judged. I don't mind explaining it to my spouse if it gets to that level but I don't feel the need to expose it to every man I am dating unless it gets serious like marriage.
It's your life...
I basically live in stealth... ok,,, I am post-op.. Only my female roomate knows that I was born a man... none of my other friends/work colleagues know my secret..
I have slept with one man since srs and he had no idea.. He put his penis in my vagina and he sex with me.. and his penis was rock hard.. so he was turned on... and believed that i was born with the vagina.
But being a serious relationship with a man.. hmmm I think Its right to say something, as what happens if it comes out at a later stage...
With the exception of this website and one other I live in stealth without even wanting to, or trying to. All my friends and neighbors see and treat me as cis -and I'm still pre-op. I've been cleared for my SRS and am in the process with my Doctors in getting it scheduled now.
I sort of follow the OP's way of dealing with dating. The moment my partner says she wants to make a commitment and providing I feel the same way, I disclose everything. Recently tho my genital dysphoria has become so severe and crippling it's been impossible for me to date anyone. And I'm so lonely I've been entertaining the idea of getting back together with my ex even though all she does is use me. I'm starting to feel like that's all I'm worth anymore. :-\
Ally :icon_cute: