[Thanks to everybody for the answers, I decided to remove the original complete history in the (remote) possibility someone from RL stumbled onto it and recognized a few things. Nothing to do with you people, again very thankful that this forum exists.]
First off, welcome to Susan's!
Second, you mentioned this:
"I do not identify myself as a woman, honestly. Something in between, possibly." -vickid
Have you ever heard of androgynous? Androgynous identify as a male/female cross, sort of in between, like you said. Do you think you may be androgynous? You should look into it.
androgynous: adjective
partly male and partly female in appearance; of indeterminate sex.
iiMTF
Hi vickid :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
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Hugs
V M
Welcome Vickid to Susan's family,
To help with your question. Many have tried to switch off the feelings and live that life of society says we must.
Your born x you must stay x. But those who tried i really do not think any will make it to long in there life where it will just get much to bare.
We are born who we are, mind non match to body. do we fix it our keep putting band aids on it.
Safe passage on your path, popcorn?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Foi62.tinypic.com%2F33a6ouf.jpg&hash=70038a414397cf8547aa00ee9064953fc318e096)
Izzy
Thanks for the welcome and to all on the forum. All the stories help a bit.
The androgynous thing is actually one of my coping strategies, probably the only one that actually works and makes me feel a bit better. I mean I can try to wolf out a bit (naturally hairy guy, and I put on a bit of muscle easily) but the dysphoric feelings become extremely stressful and intense, almost physical; a more neutral look almost fixes this, but also makes "slipping" int girl-mode easier. It's not necessarily bad, by now I am almost getting used to it, whatever I feel when I get back in guy-mode. But for now it's more an helper than something I really am.
As for being what one is, there's a lot of truth in that. And I ran not entirely unconsciously for more than 20 years from that so I am very aware of it. It's just that I have a strong belief (for personal reasons, not a judgement on other people's character) that will should be more important than our basic nature. So to accept that something that I am can be stronger that what I decided to be is still quite hard. Though this last year is making it somewhat easier, or just inexorable. It's a lot of stuff.
What I know is that I'm trying to get in touch with a therapist in the next few days, a big jump already, and let's see what comes out of it.
Thanks all again.
:) Hi VickiD..
Welcome, it's great to meet you..!
Yes, above comments are wise, you sound Androgynous.. Androgyny has a very nobel and historical history, you would be in very good company..! :)