Hey all,
As many of you may know, I have been having some family difficulties ever since coming out. It's one of the reasons I've taking so long with my transition as I don't really have much of a support structure for this. Anyway, I'm okay with the fact that this is very hard for family to deal with and understand that it takes time to evolve, but honestly, I feel like some people won't ever accept it. I have a very close relationship with my mom, so it's been very hard for me to know that I don;t have her support and she is openly hostile of my transtion. To be honest, I would have hoped it would have gotten easier with time, but she is still very dead set against this. For example, when I told her I would be getting my first estrogen injection tomorrow, she made her usual threats about holding me back and putting an end to my transition and cutting my hair, etc. I realize much of these are harmless threats, as her kidnapping me and sending me to get help from the church, but it gets hurtful that there hasn't been some acceptance after knowing about this for over a year. When does it stop? Having my mother either look at me with anger/disgust or break down crying on the couch isn't really something I can deal with. And the selfish aspect of this is that I can't afford moving out and don't want to offend anyone enough to lose my shelter. I pay rent at home but I would be screwed if I had to the average rent where I live. I don't think that will happen anyway, but I just want my family to come around a bit. I mean they definetely made big improvement compared to where we were and things are much more pleasant, but we have a ways to go. Things were actually much better, she just freaked lately as I've had a couple of endo appointments and am actually switching from pills to injections. Maybe it's all temp shock as it hasn't been nearly as bad as it was in the past. I don't know. Anyway, does anyone else have important people in their lives who can't accept this? How do you cope and deal with it? I realize you can't win everyone, but this is my family, and it's one of the reasons I feel everyone is ultimately going to hate me which holds up my progress. I just don't know how to do all of this and wish it were easier sometimes. If I stopped focusing on other people and their reactions, everything would be simple. Unfortunately, even though I am transitioning because this is what I want and feel is best for me, I move slowly out of fear of other people and what they think about me. And sadly, what people think about you does matter. It's what upholds our relationships, maintains friends and keeps you employed. It does matter in the end. And if your own family has this much difficulty, whats the rest of the world going to think? You know.
Sorry, just needed to talk out loud to someone. But can anyone relate? And how do you cope with it over a long term period without any sign of it ending?
P.S. I'm just venting and sharing the drama. My family members are great people, so please don't judge them despite my one sided post.
Not in a position where I can relate as I'm living on my own now, but I feel for you LTL. *hugs*
So you can't even find any private rooms for rent that are similar to the rent you are paying at home? It just seems like a bad situation. You can't stay around that kind of negativity, especially when it's coming from someone you love. I would look into whatever options are possible for moving out. Friends, other family, etc.
sorry your in this hell. I lost my family(siblings) 20 years ago.
Hey learningtolive,
I can totally relate. Almost everybody i'm close to doesn't think transitioning is the right thing for me to do. I constantly get negative comments about the way I look and will look, that i will never be "normal" etc etc *yawn*... Personally my mum always says to me, "I can't understand why you want to make your life so difficult like this?!"...
Well... the simple fact is to just keep going. I think i'm kinda naive but I am hoping for my family to eventually come to terms with the way I am and I'm sure yours will too. If you're like me you probably feel uncomfortable walking around your parent's house, and probably uncomfortable being who you really are around them... I remember my mum telling me on several occasions to stay upstairs when family who doesn't know was visiting. Many incidents point to the fact that I'm an embarrassment to my family.
Anyway, I'll be moving out on my own next year so I won't have to deal with my family putting me down and making me feel guilty as it seems the only way forward... Maybe you should try and find an alternative place to stay in the future also? I'm hoping that by giving them some space it will *hopefully* help my family deal with the situation a bit better, maybe yours will too. Don't get me wrong, I do love my family so much, but being around them isn't doing myself or anybody else any good.
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful though...
With the exception of my brother, I can't talk to my ENTIRE family since my transition. Parents, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. I even learned recently that my brothers wife thinks I'm a freak after years of pretending to support me.
Bloody freaking religion is the bane of human civilization.
I'm not out yet, but I think family is really important, I don't want to hurt them, and without their support, I'd feel very alone. Until I actually come out to them and let my intentions known, I can't be certain, I'm certainly not looking forward to it.
I am very close to my mom, I'm sure she will support me though almost anything, but I'm not sure about transitioning, not only because she doesn't understand transgender people, but because she cares for me, and worries about my long term well being, education, relationships, employment and so on. She wouldn't want me to face hatred and ridicule from anyone either, it would hurt her just as much as it would hurt me.
Even if my family supported me, they could face ridicule and resentment from other people around them who don't. I don't want them to suffer just because of me. It seems as though, I have to choose between my happiness and theirs and I can't have both. Whaat a life.
What other people think of you really does matter LtoL, some people may eventually learn to not care about other peoples' opinions, but I don't think I could ever get to a point where what other people think about me would not affect me personally.
I hope your family will eventually get around. I hope they understand that this is the only way you will ever have a shot at being happy in life.
My father has been passively hostile about my transition since I told him. He's not prepared to meet me and thinks it's impossible for me to "change into a woman"... Not holding my breath for a quick resolution. Mind you, we were never that close to begin with, unlike your mom and you.
It varies greatly. And we can never predict how people will react or if they will change later.
I read a story last year about a transwoman who had transitioned many, many years ago. She was in her 80s when she died and had transitioned in her late 30s. Her sons had rejected her the entire time though her daughter had accepted her. When they all arrived to clean out her house and began going through 50 years of personal belongings, her sons finally came to grips with her transition and finally expressed remorse (to their sister) about how they had treated this woman but it was too late for the one to whom it mattered most.
I've read other stories where family members come around after a year or two or three. You just can't predict whether they will ever change once you've begun your transition.
I'm going to close with some quotes that have been good reminders to myself (I have them pinned on my PInterest account):
"One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go." -- Anon.
"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward." -- Steve Maraboli
"No one can tell you what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don't." -- Stephen King
"There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't even jump puddles for you." -- Anon
The above may seem trite but they've helped remind me that my life is mine and not anyone else's. I have to live my life for me, not for others. I've grieved loss of family, being called "it", being physically attacked, being the subject of vicious gossip and more. And as I've grieved and let go, I've found others stepping into that void who've loved me, lifted me up, and become my emotional family. My sons and I were very close. Now we've barely spoken for over two years and I've been banned from seeing my grandchildren by them. I had a choice, move on with my life and find new support structures or wallow in misery. I moved on and I advise you to move on as well. Either your family will decide they want to be part of your life or not. And whatever they decide, it's not your fault. They are the ones making that choice so don't blame yourself, don't let them guilt trap you with "you made me..." type statements. I'd get out of that house and move on with my life if I were you.
From a hypothetical view point, not actually having experienced it, but knowing my family very well, they would never have accepted it.. They were way too concerned what others would think, church, neighbors, friends etc... They probably wouldn't kick me out, but have done the same thing they did when I was really depressed during my teens, and they simply arranged for police to quietly take me to a psych. Ward at the hospital until I got over it.. They never even talked to me about it.?
The good news is, once I moved out on my own, my family seemed much more accepting of me in most things.. I think when you get more independent, they tend to be better, probably cuz they have less control of what you do..?
I hope that might be a little bit helpful, even though in my case it wasn't very positive...
people won't accept you unless they want to. it's not enough that they get used to it, they will actively have to change their opinion on the matter, or have a miraculous change of heart which you are unable to cause on your own.
i have had way too much other issues with my parents as it is. enough to know that my mother will never validate me in any way, and will find the viles expressions of her opinion on transitioning, when it becomes time for that.
i wish i could love her, but she has betrayed me and my siblings in ways that have made that impossible.
she's still a wonderful person, in the areas where she functions well. she just isn't suited to be a parent. unfortunately.
all you can do is believe in what you're doing, and never let your family think that there's anything they can do that will change your mind.
it will hurt though. no loss no gain, they say. sometimes the choice is only between bad and worse.
but you can still hope that your family will choose you in the end, rather than hurtful beliefs, opinions, and principles.
i do not think your mom will learn to accept it just with time ... unless and until she is convinced that what you are becoming will lead to your good health and happiness she will be against it for the rest of her life and you are the only one who can convince her of your happiness . moms are protective and she needs to be sure that you will safe and happy in the world . tell her your feelings of the happiness and contentment you have found and the support you have from others -- let her know your deepest feelings about wanting o be female ,and also let her know you have a support system in the world . you do need is to convince her that you are becoming happy and that you do have support and acceptance from other people around you which she knows will contribute to a healthy mental state the environment you are in so she needs to hear that and see that to feel comfortable that you are making the right decision . if she believes it will lead to positive things for you and not negative things you will be amazed at how supportive she becomes . if you don't do that she will not , now or ever, support you doing this .
Hugs
First I would look into your local trans group to see if there are any resources for you. I think that there would be a better chance of your mother coming around if you were not living at home. Right now she can yell scream throw a tantrum and you will be there tomorrow. If you could find a place on your own then if she yells or screams you might not be back for a couple of weeks or more that's going to sink in that you can walk away and she might never see you again. With you living at home she risks nothing by being unaccepting.
Family can be so good and so very hurtful. My parents are gone but I doubt they would have approved. I can relate to the loss of a family member though, my son. I loved him so as a baby and vividly recall the blood sweat and tears it takes to raise a child. He rejected his sissy, queer dad as he became an adult but I continued to work for decades to be a part of his life only to be rejected once again as the "it" and "thing" now banned from seeing him or my grandson. That may change but I am now more realistic about pouring love, hope and emotional weight into a situation with diminishing returns. We are adults now and I advise any of us to have adult relationships with some balance. I no longer berate myself for failing as a dad or reach out for his rejection. If he ever does come around or suggest acceptance I am ready to meet him there. Your mom's intransigence seems very ideologically based and not responsive to reason. She needs the epiphany thing and i don't know how that will happen for her?
Part of my response is to value all the more the deliberate and created family of very close friends around me. We do need family and community and we can create that right where we are. LTL you are so very bright and caring that i can only imagine you as a welcomed family member. Maybe some time you will move on to a family that wants you around just the way you are. Lots of people have found family as an informally adopted son, daughter, sibling, mother or father. It is becoming more the norm as "blended" and non traditional families flourish. My favorite sister is another trans woman, my brothers are mostly gay men.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Honestly, my family is very important to me and my mother isn't someone I could remove from my life. Moving does seem like a good and healthy thing to do, but I can't afford that. Even though I do "okay" and can survive with what I earn, adding on the rent would make things too tight for me. I live in an area where the cost of living is quite high and many people in my age group do still live with family as a result. One day I can move, but with transitioning costs and saving up for things factored in, it becomes stupid for me to do that. I should add that my family aren't bad in anyway. It's just that I wish I could have their support. I'd like to be able to talk to my mother about my life without it causing a fight or drama. She is important to me and I want her involved in my life, but right know I do feel like I have to hide things and that sucks. One of the hardest parts of my transition has been the hiding from everyone and holding my life back until I get the courage to go fulltime. It's getting harder and harder each day that I move forward and I wish this awkward phase woud end (thanks horrible appearance). Anyway, it's not a complaint with my family. I just want them to support me. And I want to be able to talk about my life, desires and where I am headed without feeling like I'm the evil one tearing up my family or feel guilty that I am transitioning. After a year of this, I hoped there would have been some acceptance but I don't know if I'll ever get anything more than opposition tolerance. Guess that's something I'll have to come to accept.
A year is long enough to go through the grieving process. I get the sense from your post that she was back in denial, and finding out that you were getting injections made her confront the issue again. Is there anyone she respects and listens to, a grandparent perhaps, that is more accepting and that can talk to her? She needs to hear from someone other than you whom she trusts that it's time to accept that you are her daughter.
Also, I don't think she is going to kick you out unless things got really, really bad between the two of you. She would have already if she were inclined to do so. She knows the state of the rental market as well as you do, so she knows what she would be subjecting you to if she made you move out. I don't interpret her actions are malicious; she seems more like she is being protective (misguided, but protective).
she just doesn't believe that you will have a life that will make you happy if you do this and if she thought so she would support you completely. your happiness and safety , what she is most worried about ,depends a great deal on the acceptance of the people around you . share with her the support and acceptance you have from those around you that will reduce her anxiety .
Sadly, there is a crueler affliction than gender dysphoria, and its name is religious fundamentalism. Some grow out of it but most cases that persist into adulthood are incurable.
You should immediately stop telling her about things like getting your first E injection. This is not helping. In fact, I would not talk about it at all with her or even about it. it's not helping. Only time may help. Maybe. But talking about it is not going to help. You don't have to stop tellling her, but it's not helping. I would just act like it's not happening. I mean what was the benefit of telling her about the first E injection. No offense, but it sound like you keep trying to cultivate this close relationship where she will finally see the light and be like "OMG that's awesome." But that's not going to happen. Time. And not talking about it. That gives her time to process it without constantly hearing about it.
It also sounds like you have the means to move out, but don't want to. You need to if you can. That right there could help more than you know. Ya know. Find a roommate. I know this sounds harsh, but really it's been going on for quite some time and I remember how happy you were before you came out, and now that woman is long gone. You need a change. Seriously. For yourself if no one else. This is tough stuff but I really do care for you a lot and you need to do something diffferent and distance is the greatest promoter of closeness.
No some people won't accept it. Especially those closest to us that have known us as one person most of our lives and then they are faced with meeting someone new that they thought they knew all along.
I definitely agree with Joanna on this. If you have the means it is definitely time to get out on your own. Sometimes we just need to be on our own to decide what we really want. I don't want to sound harsh either but LTL needs to do what LTL wants and needs to do what is best for LTL with no one else involved in the decision.
Sometimes we have to cut the apron strings ourselves. You don't have to remove your mother from your life but you have to do what is best for you and what makes you happy and comfortable with yourself and everyone else just has to take a backseat to what you want and need. If your mother don't want to be a part of it or refuses to acknowledge it, then that is her loss for not knowing or getting to know the real you. It may sound selfish but it really isn't. Pretty much when it comes to gender dysphoria it is more about survival and what we need than what others want or need us to be to them. Does that make sense? It may sound selfish but believe me it's not. It is way more about what LTL wants and needs to be happy and to survive her life before anyone else. Family or not.
I really hate to say this but sometimes we need to think more of ourselves than others. If that is selfish wanting to live our live the way we want then I am just a selfish "B". We can't do anything for others if we are not comfortable with ourselves and happy with who we are.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on September 04, 2014, 10:58:50 PM
It also sounds like you have the means to move out, but don't want to. You need to if you can. That right there could help more than you know. Ya know. Find a roommate. I know this sounds harsh, but really it's been going on for quite some time and I remember how happy you were before you came out, and now that woman is long gone. You need a change. Seriously. For yourself if no one else. This is tough stuff but I really do care for you a lot and you need to do something diffferent and distance is the greatest promoter of closeness.
I can't speak for LtoL, but in my area there are couples in their forties living in their parents' house because the cost of buying a home or moving into an apartment is absolutely prohibitive. After decades of poor planning and looking down on renters, there just aren't enough apartments to go around, and the landlords know it. It's a supply problem. When a decent apartment complex does go up, the units are snatched up immediately for premium rents (think $1500 for a 500 sq. ft. studio). Basically, the only remotely affordable rents are in illegal apartments, and even those are way, way overpriced, and many are not fit to live in. So when LtoL says that moving out is financially infeasible, I believe her, because I know people who make decent money who are in exactly the same boat she's in. It stinks, because you're right, distance would probably solve a lot of this problem, but if it can't be done, it can't be done.
I'm afraid that some people simple can't accept those kinda changes. Others my change their mind over time, but you will never know 'till they do.
As my family, i belive that they could accept(ish) that. At least most of them. I dont think my mom would/will understand, but I think she would/will be by my side. My really big problem is my fiancee and our kid. I'm pretty sure she would freak out.
Honestly, everytime I think in transition, I wanna run away to a very far place and cut ties until my transition is over. thats how afraid I am of it. I dont know if anyone felt like this, but my wish is just move to, I dont know, Canada (seems friendly and far away enough form Brazil :D :D :D ) but at the same time i think this is just a form of run away and not a solution.
Quote from: Tessa James on September 04, 2014, 12:31:31 PM
Part of my response is to value all the more the deliberate and created family of very close friends around me. We do need family and community and we can create that right where we are. LTL you are so very bright and caring that i can only imagine you as a welcomed family member. Maybe some time you will move on to a family that wants you around just the way you are. Lots of people have found family as an informally adopted son, daughter, sibling, mother or father. It is becoming more the norm as "blended" and non traditional families flourish. My favorite sister is another trans woman, my brothers are mostly gay men.
Most of my family is here or elsewhere in cyberspace. For those of you I have been given the privilege of meeting I am in awe of who you are and what you represent to the world. You are a bastion for me against reality when I do not feel strong, and I am grateful to you all. LTL, I'll be in Connecticut in a couple of weeks visiting new friends, and can take the train into the city if you would like to share a meal.
Some of my natal family accept and love me, some don't, a few despise me. This is strange and hard for me. I don't usually write on these threads, because I usually end up teary, but I feel the need to acknowledge how very powerful this community, this family is to me and to countless other seekers. I could not have walked this far down the road to my authentic self without you, and I'm not sure I could complete the journey if this venue did not exist.
Sometimes when people leave or feel they must leave the forums I actually grieve. It is odd, but I am saddened when a voice is hushed, and a friend disappears.
Peace,
Julie
The only thing I really wanted to say was with regard to this:
Quote from: learningtolive on September 03, 2014, 08:53:51 PM
And if your own family has this much difficulty, whats the rest of the world going to think? You know.
Family sometimes has more of an emotionally vested interest in making you how they want you to be. So I've found it's often the other way round, and family are the ones who take it the hardest. The rest of the world don't seem to care as much.
My brother wishes I was six feet under. Has done ever since he found out, and probably always will. He's the only blood family I have left. How do I cope with it? I don't think about him. Or have anything to do with him, if I can avoid it. It hurts sometimes, yes. And I don't advocate that path for anyone else other than myself. But I cannot change his mind. I have tried. He doesn't want to listen. So... he makes his choice, I make mine.
Sometimes, there comes a point where you feel "Okay, I've done as much as I can. I have to live for me, now. Not to give you what you want." It's hard. Very hard. But the alternative is so much harder.
Thank you everyone. There is truth to the whole distance makes the heart grow fonder theory, but it's not an option. Finding a place for less than $1,000 a month around my job isn't easy. I'm sure they exist but they are very few and come at a different price. I can't afford $1,000 a month. While I'm not getting minimum wage, I'm not living large considering the cost of living in my area. But yeah, I would love to get my own place.
And some of you make a point. There was a time where I was so excited about my future and really positive about everything. Something did change. Maybe I just hoped things would be easier than they were. That somehow everything would be okay and the world would accept it. I still look forward to the future and can't wait to transition, but the fear and pessimism has grown larger. To be honest, I feel very uncomfortable about my appearance and wonder if I every will like it. I'm working on it, but it's doubtful I'll ever be satisfied. Still, I have no doubts about my path. This is who I am and what I want. Just a bit jaded and cautious now that everything is happening and real as oppsed to my hypothetical transition at the start.
Anyway, I do appreciate everyone's thoughts. I just get bummed out that I don't have no acceptance. The truth is I have no support system. I hardly even have friends and acquaintances and I'm not really important to those who would fit in those categories. It's really hard to go through this all without feeling like you have someone there for you, let alone accept you for who you are. My family was always that and now I lost that. It's a very hard and lonely feeling. Social isolatition along with the fear of rejection and facing all the confines that being trans creates. Maybe that's why it crushes me. The only people that ever accepted me are now having a hard time just doing that. And while I grow through a phase of self discovery and learning to break all the emotinal and physical barriers that have always haunted me, I do also face the consequences of that as I progress. Doing all that alone really sucks. It makes it much harder. I want my supportive family back.
LTL
If wishes came true, we all would find acceptance from family. I will always try to be open to my family and will always love them. As Tessa observed, sometimes we must seek family in other ways. You have family here if you so choose. You are enormously bright and filled with life. I for one am your friend, and the support you have here is powerful.
I know that this isn't anything like having someone who you can ring up for coffee and conversation. I also know that none of us are exactly normal. But for me at least it is a pretty good surrogate until things change. Are you still planning on graduate school?
For me that was a way out until I got thing together financially. I also known that is kind of backwards, but I am kind of that way. Anyway you can call if you need an ear anytime.
Peace,
Julie
LTL,
Hugs,
There is family and there is everyone else. The two are very different.
I'm out at work and full time. I get so many people coming up and asking how it is going; asking how they can help and telling me they admire my strength. They tell me I look nice, the listen, they support, they help. There has been only one day after going full time that I have not had to come out to someone. It gets old but they so want to help. Outside of my family, there have been no negative reactions. Not a one.
Then there is family. I have a couple supporting relatives – an ex-marine and his wife that I finiancially supported for almost a year while they got things going. That's it, that's the end of the list. The rest vary from tolerant indifference (as long as I stay away) to overt hostility and attempts to essentially destroy my life. To them, I am sick, demented and dangerous.
I hold my head up high and I keep going. I bend over backwards to be a good person, to show love and not to hurt anyone. I cry a lot at night, when no one is around or after my wife falls asleep. But each morning as I leave for work I look in the rear view mirror and I see me, the woman with the beautiful smile. The tears I cry then are tears of joy. In the end, I am making progress. By my actions, they are remembering what love really is.
Love should want what is best for the one who is loved. Those who really do love you will come around to that realization. You just need to hang in there as best you can. If that is living with them or finding your own place, hang in there.....
Hugs,
Jen
You're somewhat in a potentially great situation to deal with this. But you have to approach this the right way.
People absoutely hate being forced to alter their views and beliefs. Most people fight violently against it, regardless of what it is. Regardless if it's family or anyone else. And the more you try to be open and communicative, the less receptive they are.
That sounds to me like a fairly good description of your social dynamic I'm sorry to say.
But, The reason I say this is a potentially great situation, is because your family can watch and learn without even realising it. And that really is the only way you can ever get through to close-minded people. If you were not living at home, you would likely never be able to get through to them.
That is what happened to me living away. I've lost all of my family, except for one sister ( who was also mostly exiled ). And it's mutual now. I cannot respect close-minded people, family or not. They're unwelcome in my life.
So, it's a delicate thing to do. I would recommend completely stopping all talk in the family about transition or anything trans related. Just don't mention it... and respond with an absolute minimum if asked ( although that is unlikely ). But don't stop talking or communicating about everything else. The last thing you want is to be seen as distant.
The best you can do, is demonstrate that transition is making you a happier person as transition progresses. Let them see you become more stable and happy. Let them see you smile and grow into the beautiful woman you are. That is something they will notice, and cannot help but see as positive. And when they do... it becomes pretty hard to deny that transition hasn't been a blessing.
I wish you the best of luck with it.
And I'm reminded of a saying. You cannot choose your family.
Well, I never bring up trans related stuff unless asked. When that happens, I choose to tell the truth, but that has consequences. It's very rare for me to bring up trans stuff without being prodded with my family. However, it would be nice to just have some accpetance. People I can talk to and not have to worry about what I do or say. Like just have the ability to be myself and that's enough for acceptance. I don't have this at all and it's why I'm very conscious about what people think of me. Besides my therapist and online venues, I have no support structure. And going through this all alone sucks. And then when my family asks me questions and I get negative results from answering it, I feel even more isolated, lonely and rejected in my transition. This probably why my therapist keeps pushing me to go to support groups and socialize more, but all I see is rejection and I don't want more of it. It's why I hold myself back to a degree. But I'm getting close to a point where hiding is really taking a major tool on me emotionally. The holding myself back and maintaing a male presentation is killing me. REally it is. I want to be more open. I want to start living a life and feel able to be true to myself and feelings. But without any support in my life and mainly just criticism about what I am doing, it makes me more paralyzed. To be honest, I'm at a cross roads. My desire to be true to myself has increased very much but it combats the whole "reduce all the conflict and rejection that doing this can create". Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. But I'm sad, frustrated, lonely and tired of hiding who I am and how I feel. It's a major cost to keep waiting for the right time to go full time, but social rejection also has it's price. I just wish I could make people accept and understand me. That I could erase the potential negative ramifications of going full time and mend all the fences between my family and I. There is nothing more that I want than my mother to accept me as her daughter and be on my side, not against it and openly making things harder for me (which she has said is her goal as a means to get me to stop or delay everything). Maybe getting all this out now and showing her there is going to be a stop to this may eventually help her give up and accept, as Sammy stated. I hope that's the case. There is so much uneccessary heartbreaks due to our trans identities. I'm sorry to each of you in this thread that has also had to deal with family problems.
About grad school, yes I do intend on going one day; however, I don't know what I am going to do. I love studying politics and would love to work in academia or for some progressive group that fight for things I believe in. But I've seen what my degree and awards/accolades from college has meant in the market. Very little. That's why I'm thinking about a different field. In the meantime, while I do some soul searching, I do hope to save some money and fund my transition. The cost of Srs is incredibly daunting, but I need to get it done. And I really want to get a nose job. I hate my nose and it makes me feel like I look very manly. It hurts.
Quote from: Sephirah on September 05, 2014, 03:19:31 PM
The only thing I really wanted to say was with regard to this:
Family sometimes has more of an emotionally vested interest in making you how they want you to be. So I've found it's often the other way round, and family are the ones who take it the hardest. The rest of the world don't seem to care as much.
My brother wishes I was six feet under. Has done ever since he found out, and probably always will. He's the only blood family I have left. How do I cope with it? I don't think about him. Or have anything to do with him, if I can avoid it. It hurts sometimes, yes. And I don't advocate that path for anyone else other than myself. But I cannot change his mind. I have tried. He doesn't want to listen. So... he makes his choice, I make mine.
Sometimes, there comes a point where you feel "Okay, I've done as much as I can. I have to live for me, now. Not to give you what you want." It's hard. Very hard. But the alternative is so much harder.
He may be the only blood family you have left but blood don't mean anything other than you two share the same parents. You have family, but I really don't need to tell you that though. Me, personally, I would never talk to him again. As a matter of fact, he can do with the horse on which he rode in on in the place he rode in on if he were by brother. Just so sorry though. But you do have everyone else that loves you no matter what, unconditionally. That is your real family, genetically bound or not.
My personal support structure has been four very dear and accepting friends.
The first was the very first person to whom I came out. My spouse was later angry that I told this woman first but she is an LGBT ally and has a gay brother and at least two other trans friends. I knew she would accept me and I feared my spouse would reject me though I naively hoped she would not. In the end, my fears were justified.
The second is another wonderful woman whom I've known for 17 years now. When I came out to her she replied that suddenly everything made sense. I asked what she meant and she said I was never like any man she knew but seeing me as a woman and suddenly it all "made sense". She's been extremely supportive throughout.
The final two are a married couple whom I've known for about 15 years and they've both had zero issues with me at all, thankfully. They've included me with their children and have been there regularly for me.
Without those four, I'm not sure where I'd be. Maybe six feet under. But because of them I've been able to look beyond the ugliness of others.
Maybe you can find an LGBT support group nearby? Often through such groups you meet not only other LGBT people but also other straight allies as well.
LTL
Other than family and support groupies, have you come out anyone else? Is there no one with whom you can talk, laugh or cry?
Jen
Quote from: JLT1 on September 07, 2014, 07:43:45 AM
LTL
Other than family and support groupies, have you come out anyone else? Is there no one with whom you can talk, laugh or cry?
Jen
I am out to my friends and acquaintances as well, but I haven't officially come out to many people. I suspect most people in my day to day life know. Like at my job, I suspect one of my friends told people there and it's likely spread around. The only thing, however, is I don't know what he said about me. Therefore, people probably know, but I don't know to what extent as I've never talked to them about it. In fact, I do my best to hide it and keep quiet so that I won't be read. As for my friends, most of them are wonderful people that are very supportive. I owe a lot to them for their support and assistance through all of this as I probably would have been in a much worse space without them. I'll appreciate and love them forever for that. The thing is, however, I don't reach out to most of my friends often and I'm not comfortable using them as part of my support. Here and there we'll talk, but they have busy/prodcutive lives and it's not right for me to drag them down with my drama. So, I don't really have friends that I can talk to on a regular basis. And that can be lonely during this process. Especially when you get someone judging eyes on a daily basis. Like I feel like everyday I'm wearing a ridiculous costume that I can't take off and the eyes of other people point out that they notice it too. I just wish being trans wasn't such a stigma in our society. But it is, and I have to make sure my transition goes as perfect as possible because of this. Until I get to that point, I live unhappily as a weird looking and unhappy guy. But the stress of it and the day to day crap because emotionally exhasting and depressing. I don't know how much longer I can put up with it. I just want to look different and stop hiding everything I think an feel.
Sorry for the tangents that are all over my post. There are just many different things that I am feeling during this time.
Quote from: LizMarie on September 06, 2014, 03:09:22 PM
My personal support structure has been four very dear and accepting friends.
The first was the very first person to whom I came out. My spouse was later angry that I told this woman first but she is an LGBT ally and has a gay brother and at least two other trans friends. I knew she would accept me and I feared my spouse would reject me though I naively hoped she would not. In the end, my fears were justified.
The second is another wonderful woman whom I've known for 17 years now. When I came out to her she replied that suddenly everything made sense. I asked what she meant and she said I was never like any man she knew but seeing me as a woman and suddenly it all "made sense". She's been extremely supportive throughout.
The final two are a married couple whom I've known for about 15 years and they've both had zero issues with me at all, thankfully. They've included me with their children and have been there regularly for me.
Without those four, I'm not sure where I'd be. Maybe six feet under. But because of them I've been able to look beyond the ugliness of others.
Maybe you can find an LGBT support group nearby? Often through such groups you meet not only other LGBT people but also other straight allies as well.
As for support groups, I really don't attend them. It's hard for me to explain but I feel like I don't fit in to them when I go. To be honest, it's a little weird being the only transgirl in my age group. There is really only one or two around my age that I know, but they aren't always at the group and they are younger than me anyway (I'm 25). Most of the older transwomen are very nice and supportive, but sometimes there is an age and lifestyle barrier that makes me feel different. They have important struggles themselves, but I can't always relate to them even when I empathize with them. Then again, we all go through much of the same stuff and they are very nice and supportive people. It's just... I feel like I don't fit in at those groups. There is no particular reason, just a feeling I get because of my age and the transition status I am in. And for this reason I avoid them even though my therapist keeps pushing me to go. I know most of that is silly and shouldn't prevent me from going as there is much to be gained and nice people to associate with, I just have a lot of social anxiety and feel like an outsider for whatever reason.