First time here, I hope to meet some friends!
Assuming that everyone passes somewhere within 100% of the time or 0%, a real passibility percentage must exist for everyone (even for cis people). (It seems that it is hard to arrive at that percentage for various reasons). I can't think of any good ways to determine exactly how anyone genders me, so the only tools I have are deduction and intuition. Currently I have never passed but I don't ever present as female. I'm waiting to let the hrt work a bit more.
Questions:
Is it easy to read people when it comes to how they gender you (even when they treat you as the gender you want)?
What does it feel like to pass?
When did you start passing and why do you think it started happening with you around that time period?
Quote from: Njdetashley on September 05, 2014, 01:16:49 PM
First time here, I hope to meet some friends!
You don't have to hope as you WILL meet new friends! :)
Questions:
Is it easy to read people when it comes to how they gender you (even when they treat you as the gender you want)?
Not really because if you think that someone smiling at you knows they could be instead thinking you look good or are friendly. I made it a rule when I started transition that I would never assume what someone is thinking. By doing that I shop, eat out and everything else we do and I don't look around expecting the worse. If you are relaxed you do not send out signals making people do a double take to look closer at you. So by worrying about passing you will actually encourage people to clock you. You will know intuitively when you have been and if there is a danger of some kind to you. Otherwise enjoy your life and go on like normal and you should have no problems. People are mostly tied up in their own problems and life and do not go out with the purpose to clock others.
What does it feel like to pass?
It is so incredible!!! I had an experience last night that cemented my femininity and passing. You just have to stop worrying about passing and live and things will fall into place. Relax and enjoy your life! See my story. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,172853.0.html
When did you start passing and why do you think it started happening with you around that time period?
I started passing before HRT if you can believe it. Like I said confidence is a huge part of it. I believed in myself and it gave others no room to question me. I have been full time now 9 months and in all that time I have never been clocked because of my belief in myself. I am serious about confidence being 80% of passing. If you look around women come in all shapes and sizes and all have things which could clock them. Most have what could sometimes be considered masculine features. However they do not dwell on them for the most part and attract no negative attention because of it.
I hope this helps you some! :)
This is a really heavy topic...the first thing to say is that not everyone passes, and while you should be prepared to face many more obstacles in life if you don't, that should still be no barrier to transitioning.
Right now, I'm about fifty-fifty. I'm on a collage campus, and most of the people here knows what a transgender person looks like, so my identity is pretty much common knowledge. That's a lot better than it used to be though; I can personally say that hormones and makeup have done a lot for me than any amount of confidence ever will. When I do-honestly, I don't care any more. I don't want to pass because I require the validation, I want to pass so that I can go through life safely and without my identity becoming a liability to my career. But when I notice that I can-it feels really, really great.
I used to think I passed all the time; I was wrong. Many transgender people (myself included) think we are passing when people gender us as female, but a lot of the time people are reading us as transgender and simply not reacting. For me, I've only just now started to arrive at a place where I pass fairly often-my face is as good as it's going to get, and it's starting to be enough to counteract the issue of my hands. But I'm getting there...and it's great.
Just remember this: You might not pass. There are many people out there who never have and never will. And that shouldn't be an obstacle to you transitioning. Yes, it will make your life a lot more difficult and you should always proceed assuming that you won't just so you can weigh the risks-but being seen as something is only half the battle. When you validate your OWN identity-it makes all the difference in the world.
Best of luck hon!
I agree with Jessica, never presume to know what someone is thinking about you - usually you are only substituting their thoughts for your own. That way lies paranoia, let me tell you! :) That sour look on their face might be gastro, that smile might be remembering the sexy time they had last night, that laugh might be a remembered joke, etc. Even when people tell you what they think how can you be sure they are being truthful? Unless you have clear evidence to the contrary you can't, best not to use up excess energy worrying about it. Personally I just presume that people know I'm trans. I met a woman through a work meeting two weeks ago and met up with her this week for a chat in a cafe about work stuff. If she realised I was trans she never alluded to it, it wasn't relevant to the conversation so I never raised it. I'll admit a part of me was absolutely one million percent dying to know if she knew or not, but since it wasn't relevant I was able to ignore that.
What's it like to pass? Awesome!!
I built it up, first few attempts were successful but low on the difficulty scale (even though it did involve going out into public, catching public transport, etc) and I just kept making subsequent efforts more difficult but as relevant to real life as possible to build up my confidence and my skills. See it doesn't matter if you can pass in nightclubs, it's awesome if you can, but life as a woman doesn't revolve around looking like you're at nightclubs 24/7...it's in going to work, catching the train or bus, going shopping for food and clothes, going to cafés, dealing with clerks at banks, etc. That requires a very different presentation to the nightclub look, clothing and makeup is usually much more subdued. That's where and how you need to be able to pass if you ultimately want to being living and passing full time as a woman.
Good luck, and welcome the forum! :)
wow these were all very good advice. thanks so much!
Sometimes it's obvious when people gender you correctly and sometimes it's obvious when you don't pass. But a lot of the time, especially in social situations, where people have a chance to modulate their reactions before you assess them, it's impossible.
Passing can be anxiety-provoking - when you're realizing that the slightest little detail can undo it all. But it does feel really good to be accepted as a woman and see that special smile that women reserve only for those with whom they share common ground.
A couple of things happened around the time I started passing. First I got a really good wig. Second, I started wearing glasses that deemphasized my eyebrow area. Finally it was around three months since I started full dose HRT, and I think it was starting to have an effect on my facial fat distribution.